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Thursday, January 25, 2001

Today has been a quiet day. I didn’t sleep very well until about 8AM, then I think exhaustion finally took over. I managed to complete the changes to the discussion section of the web site. All of the discussion pages are updated and linked to templates with the exception of the main page and the two pages giving log information for 1999 and 2000. I have decided that I will move the discussions back to Sunday nights. Thursdays are just too hard for me. I am too tired by the end point of the week to want to start and host a discussion. With 4 kids and a house to take care of, I just don’t seem to have the energy for them. However, on the weekends, when the housework becomes Ron’s (by his preference) I don’t feel so worn out and am better able to run a discussion.

I am a lot calmer than I was when I blogged last night. I know my panic reaction was inappropriate, not with Ron, but in general. I guess I wasn’t expecting Sam to cry like that, or react that way this quickly. Especially when we don’t know for sure if they are going to prosecute or not. We hope they prosecute, but there is no guarantee that they will. I guess I have lost my old coping mechanisms, though they probably weren’t very healthy either. Mostly I shut off the emotions I couldn’t deal with, in order to remain calm as much as possible. I would fall apart from time to time, in private, and cry or vent in my journal. What finally soothed my mind enough that I could lay down and try to sleep was some poems. I wrote about 7 of them, 3 of which I thought were pretty good. Sometimes releasing the emotions through poetry is such a major relief to me, but I can’t always do it. Often the words just won’t come like I need them to. That’s ok, I have another outlet that I treasure the most, and that means a great deal more to me. I have Ron. Someone to talk to about it all and lean on, knowing he will be there for me. I also have Kimmie and her support, which is invaluable. Neither Sam nor I are alone in this and that makes things a lot easier to handle.

Ron wrote in my blog last night, some very nice things I might add. The situation he describes is not something I view as weak. Screaming, yelling and beating Tony up would not have done any good and only made the situation a lot worse. Ron has a great deal of self control over the outward showing of his emotions, mostly he controls the outward appearance of anger and/or rage. He is not so controlling of feelings of happiness, love, joy, peace, and things like that. Personally, I think being able to control oneself when enraged is a good thing. It is far too easy to not think before speaking when one is talking from a viewpoint of pure anger only. Any situation is merely made worse. It’s not that he doesn’t feel the emotion; he just doesn’t let it control his behavior. This makes it a lot easier to trust him and in my opinion makes him a better man. Now, I have that strength to draw upon in this situation and that alone gives me some inner balance and peace. It’s nice to have that foundation.


*smiles*

I will be there for you my Lady.......and for you...a small sample of my strenght....or weakness.....depends on how you look at it......

There was an afternoon a few years ago....just a few days after the custody battle...that Rose and Tony came to the house to see Rachel.....and when Nathan came out to say hello Rose brushed him off....They were out in the front yard......Rose at that time refused to come into this house....Nathan was hurt and upset by his Moms dismissal of him and went to his room.....So I went out and sat on the front step.....just to be there.....Rachel went inside after a bit and Rose spewwed a bit of her vemon at me.....Saying something to the effect that I didnt have to come outside and ruin thier visit with Rachel......At that moment I wanted nothing more than to kill them both...I would have given anything to do so....but I just sat there......told them that I came out there to tell Rose that she had hurt Nathan baddly......and I was upset that she could do such a hatefull thing to her son....I said this in a total calm voice.....sitting there and smoking a cigar....And Tony looked at me with this face so lacking in comprehension that it was pitiful...and said...."Your upset?,,,,,you sure dont show it" ....to which I smiled....Looked him in the eyes and said....."No actually right now I am enraged......I would cheerfully choak the life out of you both.....but that wouldnt do anything good for the kids would it?.....Rose just gapped at me like a fish out of water and said "Your so cold......its like your dead already.......and I nodded....."I just cant see how letting my anger show would do anyone any good.....not the kids,.....not me....not even you....Frankly your not worthy of my emotion",,,**OK I am paraphrasing a lot here..this was like a 5 minute conversation.....at one point Tony said something like come on down off your step and do something about it....and I said that the momentary pleasure of kicking his ass wasnt worth the trouble of talking to the police about why I did it....or talking to my superviosr...or my commander.....or anyone else for that matter......

So take this for what its worth....was a just too weak to let myself explode like I wanted to......afraid of what might have happened?.....or was a strong enough to keep my head....its something I have debated several times over the years.....I know I am not afraid of the possiblity of getting my ass kicked by Tony.....he isnt strong enough or big enough to do me that much harm......I am afraid that if we had come to blows that I would have killed him....and even a slime ball like him doesnt deserve to die for what amounts to adding Roses infidelity.....does he.....now Sam's dad is another matter entirely....but fortunately he is not close enough that I have to resist that temptation very often.....

Just depend on this.....that the strenght and restraint I showed that day is yours now.....I am strong inside........and I shall be standing with you and with Sam...each day......*grins*...and if I start pulling away....I am sure you can find someway of letting me know I am getting too far away.....like a blog....or a journal....or a whisper while cuddling......

I Love You

Ron
It’s been an interesting few days. I have Dreamweaver, versions 3 and 4. It is a program that helps make web pages, but also does a great deal towards maintaining the site. It means I am going to have to do some major overhauling on the pages to get them ready for dreamweaver maintenance, but that’s ok. It will make site wide changes a whole lot easier! If I need to change an email address all I have to do is change the templates and the program will change every page associated with that template. It will keep track of the last days a file was edited and automatically try to upload newer pages than what are on the remote server. It will also make a great deal of other things easier such as adding roll over images, forms, and more!

I got a call yesterday from the chief of the child abuse unit for the district attorney’s office in Massachusetts. I went over everything with him, especially the reasons I felt they were making an unfair decision about not prosecuting Sam’s case. He had to agree with me that the excuse of “it’s too complicated” is a cop out, that they don’t want to do the work on a complicated case. He had to agree that Sam deserves the right to seek justice if at all possible. He had to agree that their job is to prosecute criminals who abuse or neglect children. He had to agree with a lot of what I said. He did tell me he was not personally familiar with the case, but that he would review the case file himself and decide whether or not to move forward with prosecution. He said he would get back to me by the close of business on Friday. This may mean that I have to bring Sam back to Mass for another interview, and that the outcome of that interview will decide it so they do prosecute. It may mean that he feels the case is not winnable, though even he said that if I was giving him accurate facts, the case is very much winnable. I told him there is medical evidence from two separate doctors backing up my daughter and that all her psych files state clearly that Sam’s resultant mental problems were a direct result of having been raped by her father. I also told him that those records will show that Sam has remained quite consistent about her disclosures over the past 6 years, giving the same details over and over to her therapists. He basically agreed that this is all very damning evidence in a trial and would be enough, without her testimony to get a conviction, but coupled with her testimony would almost guarantee a conviction. So now I find myself hoping that they will prosecute. That Sam will finally get the justice she deserves. I also find myself very afraid. Afraid of the pain, disruption and tension this will cause. Afraid that I might not be strong enough to see her through this. Afraid that she might lose and he will be found not guilty even though I don’t think he will let it go to trial since he didn’t let a case that was one kid’s word against his, without medical evidence and with 5 prior years of lies from the child that it did not happen, go to trial. He copped a plea instead. Dennis is a chicken shit when push comes to shove.

Sam, of course, has been a bit tense since we discussed the phone call and what it might mean. I thought it was school stuff bothering her. I guess I have gotten very used to her being “ok” again because I didn’t even think that it could be the phone call and possible trial upsetting her. I feel dumb for that because I should have realized what was making her snippy and tense. Tonight she came to me, crying. She said she was so scared, and remembering it hurt her so much. I held her, let her talk and soothed her as best I could. She said that despite the fear she wants to continue to move forward. I told her that I also am scared, but I didn’t break down. God I wanted to just curl up somewhere and cry for hours, hide, pretend none of this ever happened, but I can’t do that and I know it. Instead I have to be her rock, her support. I have to remain calm as much as possible in front of her. I have to listen to her, soothe her, hold her and be there for her. If I fall apart she will not be able to do this. I know she is a very strong kid. I believe in her. But I also know she will need all the support she can get during this whole thing, especially if it goes to trial. I want to see this man pay for raping his own daughter, but I am so worried that I am not strong enough to deal with the tension this will cause. Maybe I too am panicking a bit, hell I probably am. Especially since I don’t know if they will prosecute or not. I also worry about my relationship with Ron. This is not going to be easy, it will take a lot of my time and concentration. I know Ron is a patient and understanding man. He is very supportive. But I fear that this will put too much stress on the two of us and tear us apart. Situations like this are not easy to live through, and they take a toll on everyone involved. I’m going to need him. His strength, love, and support to survive this. To help me be strong for my daughter I’m going to need him to listen to me and support me. I will of course do the same for him. When all of this first happened in 1993, it was the death blow to my marriage at the time. We just could not over come the pain and the guilt each of us felt and my then husband pulled away from me. Rather than going closer to one another for the support we needed, we both ended up dealing with it as best we could on our own. Neither of us did a very good job of it either. So this experience puts the fear that this will tear Ron and I apart deep inside me. I want so badly to believe that the strength our relationship has had for the past 5 years, and the strength we have now will be strong enough to keep us together through this. Part of me does believe this but I’m not sure if that is just the naive part of me, or if it is my instincts. Ron and I have handled a lot of things together, many of them painful and stressful. We did it by being there for one another and talking to each other. Leaning on each other as needed too. I hope we can continue to do this through this problem too.

If Sam reverts too much from this, I will put a stop to it. I’m hoping she won’t but I figure I best be prepared for the worst that way I won’t be overly shocked if the worst occurs. I have to mentally gear myself up for the same hell I lived with for 6 years from her. The tantrums, arguments, disobedience, attitude, nightmares, tears, and all of it. I figure if I gear myself up to deal with her absolute worst, I will be more readily prepared to deal with whatever does happen. I do think she has healed to a point where the absolute worst will not happen, though I have no delusions that this will be easy. This will be one of the hardest experiences her and I have to go through. But I think the end result will be very much worth every single tear shed throughout it if that bastard goes to jail. I think if he does go to jail, she will finally stop feeling that little nagging doubt that she somehow deserved his abuse and that small bit of guilt she still carries within her. For him to go to jail will be absolute proof that he was the one who was wrong, not her. That he was the one who screwed up, not her. But I am so scared. Scared for her, for myself, for my family and for my life. Part of me wants to kill Dennis. Part of me wants to just forget he exists. It is very confusing and I don’t like such emotional roller coasters.

It was so very hard to soothe Sam tonight. I did it right, and I succeeded, I know that. But it hurt me to see her crying over this again, to see the pure pain on her face and the fear in her eyes. She is so young. She is only 12 years old, even though sometimes she seems so much older. It’s at her most vulnerable times that one can very clearly see she is still a child and still needs the loving support of her family. She wrote me a note later telling me she loves me and thanking me for listening to her. I wrote back to her thanking her for talking to me and telling her again that she is strong. She seems to be ignoring all the successes she has already had, dismissing them I suppose because they are in the past, so they are not as fresh in her mind. I reminded her that she has already come a long way and has already succeeded over so many painful things. Telling her again that she is very strong, and that she has my full support at all times.

Ron and I talked afterwards and I told him my fears. I told him what I was expecting as far as the worst case scenario went, and as far as what I truly thought would occur taking into consideration the great progress Sam has made. He told me what I can expect if he gets over stressed and needs a break. I already know that he is pretty good at telling me how he will react in given situations, and so far he has always acted the way he said he would. The things he said he would do for that “break” (like walk around the mall for a little while, or go to a friend’s house and blow off steam) are all things I can easily deal with and not feel abandoned or anything else. Just so long as he doesn’t withdraw from me and refuse to talk to me about what is bothering him at all, or refuse to discuss the situation under any circumstances (which I seriously doubt will happen) we should be ok. I know he loves me and I love him. We work hard to keep our communication alive and working well. We have yet to have a real fight, which is great too! I think that has a lot to do with the fact that we can talk to one another and resolve things before they become so intense or stressful that one of us blows up. (Though I don’t think Ron blows up because he almost never yells, no matter what is going on.)

Sam mentioned being afraid of doing this trial thing, and feeling like she is betraying her family because “This is my dad. My flesh and blood. Though he was wrong, and is a bad person, I can’t get it out of my mind that he is my father” I can understand that, and for her, this must be one of the most difficult aspects of the whole thing. He is her father, and despite everything he has done to hurt him, there is a part of her that still loves him just because of who he is. That has to be so very confusing and painful all by itself. All I could tell her was that I realized that and I understood how hard it is to stand up to one’s parents, but that in this case, she is doing the right thing. I also told her that if she truly felt she couldn’t do this (not just a momentary panic outbreak of fear talking) that I would put a stop to it. That I would not be at all disappointed in her or angry with her. I’m not sure why, but that seemed to really calm her down and she told me that she didn’t really want to stop prosecution if they choose to go forward, but that she is scared. So we talked about fear for a while, and pain, and a bunch of other stuff. She did a lot more of the talking than I did, which is the way it needs to work. But she calmed down a great deal, even smiled as she hugged me and thanked me. God I love this kid so much! I am so proud of her. She has dealt with so many things a kid should not have to deal with, and overcome so many obstacles in her young life. I just wish she could readily see her own strength and see just how great of a person she truly is. Maybe this final act of dealing with her father will help her to see that.

Please God let us make it through this and let justice be done. Please. After all these years, give Sam the justice she deserves.

She asked me how a person knows what is the right thing to do. I told her that most of the time the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do as well but that once it is done, a person will be glad they did it no matter how hard it was. This, sadly, is the truth. It seems that people are the most satisfied with themselves when they have achieved something that was very difficult to achieve, worked hard to get something they wanted or to succeed in their lives. The hardest fought battles bring the most complete satisfaction. Again I reminded her of the many things she has already successfully fought. Telling her that what she has already gone through was the worst part, and it was. Facing the memories, the intense pain, the soul deep fear and the mind numbing dissociation were all so very difficult for her. Recovering her self esteem and a larger belief in his being wrong than in herself was a completely uphill battle that she won. Realizing that despite the pain she has lived through, life was still worth living and succeeding it was hard for her. Learning to open up and love people, and let them love her without all her fear based anger defense mechanisms (fighting, attitude, rudeness..all designed to push people away so she couldn’t get emotionally hurt again) were extremely difficult to repair. Learning to trust again was hard. Learning to see the good things in life, and in herself was hard. Talking, in detail, about the things he did and how it made her feel was extremely difficult. All of those things combined are a lot harder to do than testifying. I reminded her that she had the same fear reaction when she prosecuted that kid in school for touching her inappropriately all the time and that she still managed to do it. That she remained calm even when the kids attorney accused her of misplacing her memories of her father onto this boy’s shoulders and responding with a calm “that’s not true” instead of immediately yelling at the lady or attacking her. Basically reminding her that she has testified in court before, and that she succeeded then. I told her very clearly that testifying again will not be as difficult as all the healing she has had to do. She had to agree when I listed all of that and more, that she has faced some very difficult things and that she has succeeded. Again I told her that to be scared is normal and expected and it’s ok. She was so grateful. When she left the room, I wanted so badly to just break down and cry. To scream..throw things, break something. Anything. Lose it completely. But I didn’t. I couldn’t because I knew she was still awake and she would hear and that if she did hear it, she would lose confidence in my ability to support her. Even now, a few hours later, my mind is still jumping from point to point, my heart still beating fast, and tears still brimming in my eyes. The thought “I can’t do this!” keeps forming in my head over and over. Though I logically know this is fear based. It’s not that I can’t do it, it’s that I am afraid to do it. I am afraid. God I hate being afraid. I am also so very angry! Angry that it took this long to even get someone to review her case carefully and without bias. Angry that she absolutely has to take the stand if it goes to trail because Mass is a backwards state. Angry that it happened. Angry that he has gotten away with it for 6 years. Angry that I was stupid enough to listen to the so called professionals when he started hounding for visitation after not seeing her for a year and a half. Even angrier that the court gave it to him and I was dumb enough to go along with it. Angry that it ever happened. Angry that he would do this to his own child. Angry that she has so much pain inside her. Angry that she had to live with this kind of pain. Angry that she lost her innocence at 5 years old. Angry that she stopped looking at the world with that wide eyed child’s amazed view when she was 5. Angry that her life has not been everything I had hoped it would be. I wanted so badly for her to be happy, and to grow up normally without being touched by such violence and pain. I wanted her to never have to deal with serious self doubts, suicide thoughts or anything else. But none of that happened. It was torn from her when she was 5 and her father thought it would be OK to have sex with her. Where the fuck did he ever get that idea? What a sick bastard! I once said that it was as if he had killed her, and it was. The child she was disappeared. She was replaced with this terrified, pain wracked wreck who couldn’t sleep, think or feel safe enough to go outside. Who couldn’t believe she was worth anything at all. For years she fought those demons, fought the nightmares, and she almost lost. It was that almost losing that gave her the courage she needed to finally face it all and heal it, to get on with her life and stop living in the past. To stop hiding. I am so very proud of her.

Mostly though, I am so very scared of what the near future will bring. If they prosecute, which I honestly hope they do, my life (and hers) is going to get so much more complicated and stressful. I just hope I am strong enough to deal with this. Please God give me the strength to help my daughter through this, please.

Ok I have to stop here before I lose my mind. I need to go do something else and concentrate on something else before I start obsessing over it and find myself unable to function or think about anything but all of this. It is truly a terrifying thing to face when one is facing placing their own child on a witness stand to prosecute their own father for rape.

Wednesday, January 17, 2001

I find myself thinking about the difference between a submissive and a slave. Everyone defines things so differently that it is so often confusing to the new people who are just learning about the lifestyle. People have a desire to describe themselves in as few words as possible, yet in BDSM that is impossible because of the fact that many people take the terms and just change the definitions to fit whatever they want it to. I do not understand the need to do this, though I suppose it could be because they like a particular word, or any other number of reasons. Anyway, a slave is very different from a sub, whether people wish to admit it or not. There is a difference in how a slave thinks, acts, expects and submits. A slave tends to think more along the lines of black and white. There is very little shades of gray. They do not seem to expect much leeway in the reaction of their dominant. By this I mean, if a slave is feeling ill and thus doesn't complete all their usual daily tasks, often they will expect the dominant to react with the usual punishment. A submissive may be more inclined to expect leniency from the dominant because they were ill. A slave thinks in terms of being owned, not submitting. To them, being in a collared relationship means they are owned, and often this translates into the statement that they do not have the "right" "choice" or "option" to walk out if the relaitonship goes bad. Also there is a level of acceptance of the dominant's behavior that seems alot more intense and widespread than many submissives would allow. For example, a dominant wants to bring in a third. A submissive may demand certain criteria be met before they allow ( yes, allow) such to occur, whereas a slave may say "It is not up to me, if this is what Master wants, so be it" and quietly accept this new change. To somet his kind of thought process is considered wrong or somehow brought out by abuse, but this is not neccesarily true. A slave thrives on the fact, absolute fact, that they literally have no control over the rlationship or what will occur within it, whereas a submissive often retains some level of control in the relationship. The thought process focuses solely on what would make the master/mistress happiest and how the slave can be most pleasing to them. Subs tend to think of themselves and their own pleasure in addition to the that of their dominant, slaves work very hard to put themselves second in all the things and their owners first. To them, this is what comes wiht being a slave and submitting completely.

A slave acts differently from a sub as well. If you listen to slaves talk about their behavior, they often speak of being quietly accepting, in control of themselves at all times, formal, and other such things. There seems to be more focus on how the slave behaves at any given moment, with less leeway. In many slave relationships, the slave is required to use an honorific at all times, and couldn't conceive of calling their master/mistress by any other name. Most slaves find yelling, tantrums, fits, or any other out of control behavior on the part of a slave to be reprehensible and deserving of severe punishment. Slaves put alot of emphasis on their behavior and how they react to their dominant. They hold themselves to a high level of self control. They require of themselves to have a pleasing demeanor as much as possible. They see no room for bratting behavior, any form of topping from the bottom, or any other form of manipulating the dominant. They look down on any behavior that is perceived as designed to force the dominant to meet a need of the slave, rather than the slave focusing on the dom's needs. A slave will strive for perfection from themselves in completing all the tasks their master/mistress gives to them, while still keeping an eye out for things that they were not specifically told to do, but think would please their owner if they did them. A slave is required to be very self sufficient and capable because they often have a lot of responsibility placed on them. Slaves often feel that a slave should not need to be micro managed by their dominant because this is not pleasing, unless of course the dominant likes to micro manage.

A slave's expectations from the dominant and the relationship are often very different from those of a submissive. A slave does not expect to have their desires met beyond their basic life supporting neccessities. When their dominant does do something for them, they see it as a gift, not a neccesity. Slaves tend to view things that many submissives expect in a relationship, as a luxury not a neccesity. This does not mean that a slave will accept being abused or treated like they are worthless, it just means they do not expect all the trappings that others expect from their relationships. (such as cuddling on demand, talking whenever the slave wants to talk, sleeping in a bed etc)

A slave submits differently from a submissive as well. Slaves will set no limits on their dominant's activities. They will not say that the dominant can't do a certain type of play or use a specific implement. They may tell the dominant that they do not like certain activities or implements but they do not ban the dominant from using/doing those things. They expect to be asked to do things they may not particularly like and they consider it as part of submission beacuse to them, submission is not about pleasing the slave, but about pleasing the dominant.

well I've lost my train of thought. Oh well..that's the closest I've gotten to this article in the last year. Maybe some day I will actually be able to finish it. Wouldn't that be nice.

Today was a good day overall. I did alot of housework, which is probably why my back is singing ava maria. But I feel like I accomplished something, so that is good. I played with Kyle for a while, and he really liked that. I did some research into what Nathan asked for for his birthday, and found the places where the stuff can be bought. I talked with the girls. Ate dinner, and got all the laundry done. Balanced the check book and did some cross stitch. Same old thing as yesterday I suppose. I didn't sleep well again last night, my back woke me up around 3 AM or so. Of course, Ron was awake and well we did the rabbitt thing again. I wonder if that is what is making my back hurt so much lately, all that sex? Who knows and I don't care if it is, I'm not giving it up. I enjoy it too much. I gues ROn is right and I am a slut, but he likes me that way so that's good.

Tuesday, January 16, 2001

The last couple of days have been better. We don't have the 3 yr old anymore which is actually a major relief to me. I like the kid, but boy does it ever increase the stress level to have two children under 5 in the same house! I was extremely offended by Rose's insistence that the boy be brought home to her beacuse she felt I would take my dislike of her out on the boy. I am not that shallow or cruel. But she can think what she wants. honestly, I think she is just trying to hurt Ron if she can. Apparently she gets into these cycles where she starts to feel guilty for everything she did in her marriage with Ron and apologizes to him. This apology is usually followed by some sort of blow up, within a week, that ends with her not speaking to Ron. So Ron's guess is that this shit with the 3 yr old is Rose's blow up since she apologized for everything she did wrong to him on New Year's Eve. I guess it is going to take me a while to get used to her cycles. Personally I just don't understand this woman, probably because I can't be that mean or manipulative, especially not to my kids.

Ron and I have done the rabbitt thing the last week. The space that had come between us while I was away is gone again, and we are once again talking easily, cuddling, flirting and all that. Back to normal, and it feels good. I had started to get very worried, but thankfully the space went away. Ron did explain how he was feeling that was causing him to be just a bit distant from me. I do understand those feelings, and have had similar feelings myself. But understanding it did not erase the nervousness that the space caused me to feel. Ron, of course, understood my nervousness. It is really a major relief to be in a relationship with someone who understands things as much as he does. Someone that does not accuse me of being irrational or stupid or any other number of things because my thoughts/knowledge does not always match my emotions. Ron knows that one can know mentally how something is, yet still feel differently anyway. He understands and accepts that emotions are not always logical and that they do not respond to logic sometimes. It's really nice to be in a relationship with someone who pushes me to be my best, while loving for me who I am anyway.

The kids are doing well and I for one feel alot better with Rachel here. She seems alot more relaxed here than she did when she was staying with her mom. I've found that I have gotten very protective of her adn that I love her very much. Her and I are growing closer. We talk alot and she tells me alot of stuff. I'm glad. :))

Somoene on icq today insisted on me sending them bondage pics of myself, which I told him I don't have any. He refused to believe me and started talking about how hard he was and stuff like that. I placed him on ignore so he went to the web site and sent me an email through the feedback form, telling me he wants the story of my first year as a submissive/slave. I did not respond. I get very uncomfortable with people like that. Why be so pushy? If someone says "no" why isn't that good enough anymore? I guess I just don't get it. I get online to talk to my friends and be friendly, not to cybersex people. Hell, I get jumped enough in real life that I don't need, desire or want cyber sex. It seems pointless to me somehow, real life is so much better. Though the request did get me to thinking about how my life has gone since I accepted Ron's collar. It has gone very well. Ron is not too strict with me, nor extremely lax. he lets me be myself including my sense of humor and brattiness. He enjoys both of those especially since they closely match his own and he loves sarcasm and verbal banter. He does not demand that I hide my intelligence, nor is he threatened by it. He does place rules on me, that I am expected to follow, within reason. He allows for some fluctuation due to my back, or the kids, but he does not allow me to just ignore those rules or blow off the tasks he sets for me. There are some rules that are not at all flexible and I know that. I know how far I can go and if I go further then I get in trouble. But I manage to keep to those limits fairly easily.

Today was a fairly quiet day. I did some laundry, cleaned the bedroom, paid the bills and tried to rest my back. I did not sleep well last night and was woken 3 or 4 times because my back was hurting and I had muscle spasms. So my pain level was fairly high today. I did alot of cross stitching today, and am hoping to get those ornaments finished within a couple of weeks. the designs are rather simple, and thus they are a bit boring so it is not as pleasant to stitch for long periods of time. The more complicated designs drive me nuts as well, but at least they are interesting to stitch. My friend Shelly told me that I stitch better than she does because the back of my projects are almost as neat as the fronts. Which is the way they are supposed to be. I can't say how hers look because I have only seen one of her projects and taht was years ago so I no longer remember what it looked like very clearly. I don't recall the back being real messy or anything. well that's about all I can think of tonight.

Saturday, January 13, 2001

Well tonight was not a real good night overall. Ron's ex went home from the hospital today and the kids went to visit her. Of course the 3 yr old went too, which was good I know he was missing his mom. Anyway, the kids all came here for the night. We ordered pizza which made all the kids happy. Then Ron left to do an inspection at work. While he was out he called his ex's house to see if she needed milk or anything, she said yes, he bought it and dropped it off over there. Thus ensued a conversation about custody of Rachel. Ron had informed the ex that he was taking custody of Rachel back because he no longer considered the ex's house safe for the child due to drinking and drinking while driving. I agreed with this decision for those reasons and the whole emotional manipulation crap the ex puts the kids through. Personally I find it completely deplorable. The ex brought the subject up in front of her mom and her sister who were there to help her, most likely figuring they would back her up or somehow intimidate Ron into backing down. Ron did not and repeated the drinking/driving reasons for taking custody back. (which is a simple matter since legally Ron is the custodial parent of both his kids and the custody arrangement was temporary pending the child's safety with her mom) The ex's wife and mom looked quite uncomfortable at this reason since they had no idea that the ex had been drinking while in the accident that broke her legs, though alcohol was not a factor in the accident and the ex was not cited for drunk driving though her car was impounded. Anyway, Ron then left and returned home. He walked in to find my trying to find out why my son had bit the ex's son. I spanked my son for biting and made him apologize. I knew however that my son had to have been pushed into biting because he just does not randomly bite for no reason anymore and has not done so in at least 4 months. Turns out the ex's son had punched my son in the back. Having misread the time (vcr clock said 8:30 and it is an hour off) I ordered that both kids could go to bed. I was tired of the whining, they both seemed very tired and were whiney and cranky. I figured a half hour extra sleep wouldn't hurt either one of them. Just as the phone range and it was the ex demanding that Ron return her son to her and citing that Rachel told her I hated her guts (which I do as a matter of fact, though the hate is a fairly recent thing that came about because of the drinking and driving thing, I have no tolerance for such irresponsibility at all) and that I yell all the time and stuff like that. Basically making me feel that she felt/said (through implication) her son would not be safe with me. I however, did not know if these were new "stories" being told my Rachel, or just a repeating of old stories Rachel told the ex months ago. Either way, I became extremely hurt and frustrated by this shit. I felt that we had bent over backwards for this lady, in more ways than one. We've accomodated her constantly changing work schedule, allowed extra visits with the kids, allowed the temp custody arrangement (thus her chance to prove herself a fit and safe parent, which she failed to do), and more. Ron is always trying to help her out. Yet this woman is never fucking satisfied. personally I think she is very pissed that Ron got involved with another woman and is trying to cause trouble in the relationship. I remember him telling me a couple times that she asked to come back to him, and once he even considered it for the sake of the kids. But he ended up telling her no. From this I feel that she wants him back, and is pissed that she didn't get it. Anyway, I felt very frustrated and very angry. Rather than be grateful that she had people willing to help her during her recovery (which will be at least 2 months in a wheelchair, crutches after that and probably physical therapy) so she doesn't lose her son to the state, she insults the people caring for her son and helping her out. Biting the hand that feeds her. Same shit from her, different day I suppose. It feels to me like every three weeks there are accusations against me that are being attributed to Rachel's mouth. I really don't know if she tells new stories, or if the ex just throws an old complaint at me, but it still hurts. I try very hard to get along with his kids, and be their friend. It is not easy because there are times when, as the adult, I feel it neccesary to discipline/correct them for something and I don't feel safe doing so because I never know how this story will get interpreted by their Mom or how it will get re-told to her. It makes me very afraid to do anything with his kids, even be friendly. But if I don't make overtures to be friendly, I get accused of ignoring them and favoring my own kids. I want so desperately to just tell this woman to fuck off, but I don't. Because, like Ron, I know she will hurt her kids if I do. She tells the kdis things that are total fabrications, in the attempt to make them dislike their father, or to gain their sympathy. Things like "Your dad took you from me for no good reason" which is not true. It's a very difficult situation for the kids and for Ron. Ron has done a great deal over the past 6 years to help his ex, in the interest of keeping the peace so the kids don't get "hurt", but his ex does not return any of this and the kids have come to expect this as the proper treatment from their dad to their Mom. Some of this helped Rachel keep alive the hope that her mom and dad would get back together, to the extent that the divorce still hurts as much now as it did when it first happened. This made for a hellacious mess when Ron and I announced we were going to get married. I don't know what to say or do with his kids anymore, and I am very afraid to do anything. It really angers me that their mother treats them this way. I could name alot of examples and I've only been here a short while, I'm sure there are alot more situations that I am not aware of because I was not physically here. Sometimes I want to just run away rather than fight this woman because it is not a fight I can win. In her Kid's eyes I automatically lose because I am not her, and if I argue with her it will be me who is wrong no matter who or what starts it. It is extremely hard being the step mom in this situation, and the kids don't exactly help. Ron says we will talk with Rachel tomorrow to find out if the stuff her mom is still saying is from recent stories or old accusations that I have already adressed. I do not yell anywhere near as much as I used to. In fact, I've only raised my voice twice this week. and not once was it directed at her. Once was to be heard over a screaming 3 yr old..the other at my daughter for going off the deep end over something that didn't really matter that much.

I try very hard not to get frustrated, but I can't help it sometimes. I just want to slap this woman. She has made it blatantly obvious since I got here that she does not like me, resents my prescence in her kids' life and all that. She has not been nice to me at all, and even went so far as to complain to her kids that i ignore her when she comes in the house. Which I wasn't doing. I would say hello, she never asnwered me, so I stayed away from her figuring that is what she wanted. She tells Ron tonight that she gets upset because this used to be her house and it is hard for her to see someone else (another woman, me) living in it as "their" house. I really believe that the ex wants Ron back, maybe not for who he is, but to be closer to her kids, I don't know for sure why, but I do believe I am right. I just which she would stop hurting her kids and making their lives so much more difficult than they have to be. Maybe I should slap the bitch.

Oh well. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. It will certainly be queiter without the 3 yr old here.

Thursday, January 11, 2001

It's been a hectic few days. We have an extra kid around the house this week, hopefully he won't be here much longer. It is a hell of a lot more work to have two children under 5 yrs old in the house. I finally got my luggage and spent time yesterday unpacking it all. Now I have extra clothes to wash, oh goody! Things still feel a bit "awkward" between me and Ron. I don't know for sure why but it's there. I think it might have to do with my having been gone for a week. That's long enough to start to adjust to my not being here, and now I'm back so maybe we're trying to get back into synch with each other. Or maybe we just need a good long intense play session. Who knows? I don't.

I finally got Dreamweaver to work for me and printed out the tutorial so I can do it without being connected to the net. It looks like this program will be a great deal of help to me in maintaining the web site. Now comes learning the darn program. LOL It shouldn't be that hard, I'm not exactly stupid, but sometimes new programs can be so intimidating. I really do hope it speeds up the time it takes me to update the site and makes it easier to manage it. HOpefully if it does these things, I will finally be able to work on my private site and get some of that stuff updated. I've wanted to add things to my personal site, like pics of me and my kids, but I haven't had much of a chance to do it yet.

I have decided to become active in the whole child abuse thing and see if I can't either force them to prosecute or change the laws so other parents do not get lied to like I did. It really pissed me off to find out taht I was being given lip service, and in turn lying to my daughter. I mean if they really didn't want to prosecute the case, why did they bother telling me they would? What a waste of my time and everything else.

I really can't think of much to blog about but I tried.

Monday, January 08, 2001

It was and is very much evident Ron and I feel the same way, but I think that was pretty obvious too.

Well I finally made it back home. Home, what a wonderful word that is, and it is truly wonderful to finally have a place that I can not only call my home, but feel that it is completely my home. I have searched for a long time for a place that I could feel at home in, and now I have it. It's amazing though that one doesn't always realize when they have found what they are seeking until they are removed from the situation. By going to Mass to visit family for a week, I realized just how much being here meant to me, and just how good it felt to be here. Realized that I had indeed found my home. While in Mass I missed Ron and Kimmie and the kids so much. I felt kind of lost and very much alone. I did not like those feelings at all. I also realized that the only place I wanted to be was wherever Ron, Kimmie and the kids were. They are my family and my home.

I know the few blogs I put up while I was there probably didn't make much sense, but I didn't have a whole lot of time in which to blog without someone looking over my shoulder and reading what I was typing. And it surely is a bad move to be writing things that would only result in causing an argument if my parents read over my shoulder. Alot of the time I spent up there, I was feeling very confused and very tired. I had forgotten how exhausting and exasperating my parents can be. I got the usual lectures and insults that I have come to expect, and though they don't hurt me as much as they used to, they do still make me feel sad. For the first time, I defended myself to my father and he didn't like it much. However, he did finally stop judging me long enough to finally listen to my reasons for the actions he disaproved of so strongly. He had to admit that I made the best choices I could in those situations. That amazed me. What would have amazed me even more is if he actually apologized for the last couple years of insults and judgements, but I was not expecting one, and he did not disapoint me in that area. He did not apologize. He did however express understanding of the choices I made, but even that understanding was a half assed backhanded insult/compliment mix. I found that I have done some more growing up in that I no longer let them affect me as intensely as they used to. I find it easier to let things slide with them. I guess I have accepted them for who and what they are, and in so doing have reached a point where I no longer expect them to change. I can't change them, I can't change the way they think or their preconceptions, all I could change was my reaction to them, and I finally succeeded. Sure the insults and disaproval still saddened me, but they didn't make me feel like a complete failure or anything like they used to. That is good. I suppose that means I have grown more secure in myself and don't need their approval as badly as I used to need it.

My daughter was very well behaved while we were in Mass. She was polite, helpful, and just wonderful company. Her behavior gave me a sense of vindication with my parents. I've lived with their disaproval of me as a parent, and their verbal insults of my parenting skills for so long that it was very nice to hear them say that she is a good kid and is turning out very well. They didn't exactly attribute her growth or behavior to my parenting skills, but I sure as hell did! LOLOL I don't need them to say it, it was enough for me to see the look of shock on their faces and the comments about how good Sam was because I've waited a long time to hear them say those things. I know who helped her get to where she is, so I didn't need to hear them attribute it to me, but it sure felt good to see them having to compliment her instead of telling me how bad she was. I spent many years defending Sam to her grandparents, and it was certainly nice to not have to do that anymore and to have her behavior back up every defense I have ever had to speak for her. They complimented her to her face, and I took those as silent compliments to my parenting skills because quite simply she learned alot from me as her mother, and I know it.

The really weird part about being in Mass for a week was how quickly my mother tried to treat me like I was 10 years old again or something. And it sure as hell didn't work. We didn't argue about it or anything, but I just simply continued to behave in my normal manner. It was very interesting watching them try to bite their tongues and prevent themselves from giving me a bed time, or telling me to be home at a certain time when I went to visit my friends or any other number of things a parent does with thier children. I am sure it was just as awkward for them since I was the baby of the family, the youngest child. It must be difficult for them to see me as the adult I am now, when they still view me as their child. I tend to have that same viewpoint with my children. In this respect my mother was right, I do understand everything she's ever told me about being a parent, now that I am one.

Well that's about it for now.

Tuesday, January 02, 2001

*smiles*

Guess all you want too my love....Me?....I know....you are my love....my friend....my soulmate....my life.....and I shall love you every day....till I pass from this world....and if I have any say about it....beyond that........I Love Thee....I Love Thee.............I Love Thee.....or was that not evident?

Monday, January 01, 2001

I am amazed at how much imprinting occurs on a person from the environment they are raised in and the people who raise them. I have easily slipped back into the bostonian mindset while I've been here. All the little ways of protecting my belongings while at the local mall, wathcing carefully for someone following me, or checking the backseat of the car before getting in, all those things. And the same reactions, responses and thoughts going through me when my parents talk or behave in a familiar manner. The ability to tune out their incessant sniping at one another. The ability to ignore their insults, at least outwardly, and appear to be accepting "constructive criticism" or "parental concern" when inside all I want to do is scream at them for bieng so judgemental and narrow minded people who can't accept someone taht does not meet their exacting standards and expectations from one moment to the next. It's exhausting and so sad. I find myself sitting here, feeling the way I did when I used to sneak a late night phone call to one of my friends to just talk to someone who accepted me for who I am by sitting here after they are in bed in order to blog. to vent. Knowing that this blog can't possibly judge me, and simply accepts everything I type into it. It's a nice feeling, rather stabilizing.

I learned that my parents have been married for 42 years already. I can't believe it. They almost always seem to be complaining about one another, and picking at each other, yet they have been together for that long. Is that becuase they were raised to so strictly believe that marriage was forever, no matter what? or is it because complacency has set in after such a long time making them believe they could not possibly be happy with someone else, or can't even see themselves will someone else? or has such a long time together made them feel that they must stay together because it's a habit? God, those are really sad reasons to stay married, to stay living with someone for such a long time. Maybe I am overly romantic and expecting too much from a long term relationship. Weathering storms and dealing with the many ups and downs of living is something people MUST do in order to have a marriage last more than a couple years. Life is not all roses and chocolate, sweet and pretty. Life is hard, dirty and downright cruel at times. A marriage must be able to withstand both extremees that life dishes out. But does it mean that the love has to be lost? God I hope not. Maybe I am flighty and idealistic, searching for a relationship that will keep the love and intimacy even when it is 40 years old, but I hope I'm not. I've heard of relationships lasting that long where the love was still so evident that it brought tears to my eyes. That is what I want. A relationship that keeps the love, support, caring and intimacy no matter what life throws at us. Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever knows what they are doing, or is it all a guessing game? I don't know but I hope that it isn't all a guessing game, because I suck at those. LOL