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Thursday, July 28, 2005

Jealousy In A Slave??? No Way!! (umm..reality bites but yes way!)

The Green Eyed Monster. Jealousy. One of the misconceptions about slaves is that a true slave is never jealous because they are happy with whatever makes their owner happy even if that means a second slave or more. This is not true. In this day and age people are more aware of the baggage they carry around, more aware of their issues and emotional/mental scars. I think part of this is because these things are talked about more often and better known than they used to be. I also think part of this is because society has become a "victim mentality"..meaning, blame someone else for everything and no one takes responsibility for their own actions anymore. But that's a different topic. (and a sweeping generalization too..there are some who take responsibility, not everyone is blind to their responsibilities)

Jealousy however, is a very real emotion. It is most often caused by insecurities and fears. In this day and age there are many people in relationships that have insecurities and fears from prior relationships. For me, there are quite a few. Mostly they center around my being afraid that I am not good enough and will eventually be replaced. Partly due to my disability and how severely it affects my day to day life. Partly because I have been replaced a few times in the past. Once due to having had my ex-husband's child, and thus my body changed. Once due to life being too stressful and the guy just couldn't face me cuz I reminded him of that stress. Once due to my back and how it affected my life. So that has created issues. The first and last ones more than the second. I have worked very hard on resolving the issues and the low self esteem which accompanies them, but it has not been easy. I still occasionaly get twinges of jealousy and fear being replaced. Its not as intense as it used to be, but it is still there.

When this happens I feel very guilty, un-slave like even. I don't want to be jealous or fear being replaced or losing Master. But to hide those feelings and lie about them to him by denying they exist, would be even worse in my eyes. So I tell him about them when they occur, even though I worry that they will upset him, make him frustrated with me, or even make him keep some of his own thoughts or feelings to himself out of fear of upsetting me.

An incident occured last night that brought this up for me and I've spent most of today thinking about it off and on, examining my feelings and reactions. Overall I am very proud of myself and how I am handling it. A year ago this would have sparked off major self doubt, fears and depression. Two years ago, I probably would have withdrawn from Master and "licked my wounds" (which would have been self inflicted anyway, as they usually are.) But this time, I told him how I felt and I have not pulled away, nor have I fallen into constant "I must be doing something wrong" thoughts. I did get the spark of fear that I was not good enough for Master, and my mind used my disability and limitations as proof. But instead of letting that fester, I told Master that the feelings were there. He is a very understanding man and very very patient. I am very lucky to have him. (He doesn't like jealousy and such, but he does understand that with my history, some issues are going to be there and take time to heal.) So we talked about it and that talk made me feel better.

As usual such an incident prompted my mind to start working. I have found that the best way to prevent jealousy is to work on the underlying fears and insecurities. If a person has a strong self-esteem and is secure in themselves and their relationship, they are not as prone to feeling jealous. By working on the underlying self esteem issues and insecurities, one can strengthen their resistence to jealousy.

I have come a long way and this incident proves that to me, and for that I am both grateful and proud of myself. But I know I would not have come this far if it was not for Master's love, understanding, patience, and support.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Honor In Slaves and Slavery

I was on IRC today and found myself involved in a discussion that pops up frequently in some gorean rooms. It was the old "slaves have no honor" discussion. I know that some people believe a slave has no honor of their own because a slave owns nothing, their Master/Mistress owns everything. Personally I do not agree with this.

Honor has been defined and redefined many times. When I use it, I mean it to say that an honorable person is one who is honest, trustworthy and reliable. Doing the right thing even when it goes against the crowd. Standing up for what one believes in. But not being arrogant or domineering.

I was trained that a slave's behavior reflects upon their owner at all times. Because of this, the slave carries part of their owner's honor with them. If the slave behaves in a pleasing and appropriate manner, this reflects well on his/her owner. If a slave behaves badly, this reflects badly on his/her owner. But beyond that, I think a slave has their own honor. In reality, slaves in m/s relationships are not raised to be slaves. So they do not have the cultural backing of a slave, and thus their mental state and their emotional states can conflict with their need to be a slave. a slave, in r/l, is also a human being and probably one that has their own interests, jobs and responsibilities. How the slave handles those areas of their life show whether or not the slave is honorable. The same qualities that define honor for a master or mistres, can be applied to a slave in r/l m/s. A slave needs to be trustworthy, honest, and reliable. They need to be able to do the right thing, even in the face of others who do not agree. They need to be able to stand up for what they believe in, what they want and need, so that they do not rush into collars and then regret them later. Honor is something I believe all human beings should have and it applies to both, dominants and subs/slaves.

Being a slave does not mean that I suddenly lack ethics or honor. I am still the same person I was before I became owned. I still have the same values regarding such things as telling the truth and fulfilling my responsibilities. If anything, my values have gotten stronger as now my behavior reflects not only on me, but on my Master as well. I take that very seriously. I know I am not perfect and I do make mistakes, but I try very hard not to make mistakes, specially in public, because I do not want to reflect badly on my Master. Such behavior fits clearly under the term "honor".

ok..lost my train of thought. I'm multi-tasking and I don't do that as well as I used to LOL

Master/slave relationships and the myths around them

beca the slave said...
Great blog! i just started mine, would love to know what you think: http://becasstory.blogspot.com/
Thanks!
beca

I went to beca's blog and read it. She is also a slave in a master/slave relationship. Her blog is similar to mine in so much as she hopes it will help others understand m/s relationships. Thank you beca for sharing your blog with me, I greatly enjoyed it!! I pasted your comment into this post so that others will see your blog as well. I think its a great way to help people understand a master/slave relationship.

In reading beca's blog, I read the comments she has received. One of them included questions that are common myths that people are told and believe about slaves. Which got me to thinking about the article I wrote two weeks ago about such myths. So I decided it would be a good idea to post my articles in my blog, not just on the site. This way, those who read the blog, will see them. Specialy since I know that not everyone wants to be surfing through such a large web site. So here is that article.

Common Myths About BDSM Slaves and Slavery
Author: Raven Shadowborne © June 2005

This article is copyrighted to the stated author(s) and can not be reproduced, copied, reprinted, or posted without the consent of the author. It is used here with permission of the author..

Myths are often created by people who have one or two facts, or part of a fact, and then fill in the blanks themselves. Or myths are created as a source of amusement and entertainment by an author or reader. Myths can also be created simply by how a story changes when it is passed along verbally, as anyone who has ever played “post office” can attest to. Myths can also be created when one instance or experience becomes verbally generalized to make it apply to everyone.

Myths about bdsm are just as prevalent. The most common reason for a myth to form about bdsm is a lack of experience or knowledge on a specific topic. Rather than learning more before educating others, some people assume they know more than they do and inadvertently create a myth to fit or expand their knowledge. Others create myths to deter people from engaging in a bdsm activity that they find objectionable.

Many myths exist about slaves. Some of these myths are created due to fear, lack of knowledge or understanding, and in some cases as a deliberate choice to not learn the truth about slaves. People pass these myths along to others as factual information and perpetuate the cycle of intolerance and ignorance that surrounds slaves and slavery. This creates more myths, misunderstandings and miscommunications as time goes on.

The most common myths about slaves, in master/slave based bdsm relationships, which I have heard, are included in this article and followed by the truth (as I understand it) behind each myth. These truths are based on my experiences as a slave, and on many discussions I have held with other slaves in order to learn more.

Myth 1: Slaves are doormats who obey everyone and blindly become whatever their owner tells them they are because they have no sense of self and no thoughts of their own.

Truth: Doormat is a term often used to deride slaves. It means that a slave lets himself or herself be walked on and they have no thoughts or opinions of their own. For the majority of slaves, this is not true. Slaves have just as many thoughts and opinions as other people do. Owners take pride in having a slave who has well thought out opinions and who is capable of thinking for them selves. They can provide the owner with much needed input that the owner can use to make informed decisions and choices for both the slave and the relationship. Also, slaves who can think for them selves are more capable of handling responsibilities the owner gives them without needing constant supervision and they provide intelligent and challenging conversations with the owner. Many master / slave relationships have rules that govern how and when a slave can tell their owner of their thoughts, feelings and opinions. Despite the variations in this area, every relationship requires such input from the slave. Owners often value a slave who thinks for themselves and find such a slave to be more pleasing.Obedience is a requirement for a slave and is pleasing to an owner. However it is not true that a slave will obey anyone that comes along. Slaves must obey the rules and expectations of their owner to the best of their abilities. Sometimes this means submitting to and obeying another, but such is always done by order of the owner and not every owner will share their slave this way.
Being a slave does not erase individuality. Instead, it enhances it. Often slaves who are unowned must hide or exert a lot of control over their submissive and service based nature. Society does not approve of people who are submissive or people who are happiest when they serve another before themselves. The very nature of a master / slave relationship allows a slave the freedom to express every part of their personality and hide nothing. It encourages the slave to grow as both an individual and a slave. Every slave is different; with different likes, dislikes, wants, needs etc. A slave must have a good working knowledge of who they are and what their wants, needs, expectations etc. are. It is impossible for a person who does not know who and what they are to give those things over to the control of another because you can not give away what you do not have or know. A slave and their owner use this self awareness to help the slave grow and to make changes in the slave’s behavior and mental state. Often these changes are discussed before the slave submits by the prospective owner telling the slave their expectations of the slave (including behaviors they want and those they do not want). This allows the slave to decide if this is how they want to be, the relationship they want to be in, and gives them a chance to consent. These changes are beneficial to the slave, helping them to be more of the person they want to be and to be more pleasing to their owner. Master / slave relationships require the same kinds of compatibility as vanilla relationships with the addition of bdsm compatibility. In order to achieve this, the slave must know themselves well and have a strong belief in them selves.

Myth 2: Slaves are actually abuse victims who take any and every thing their owner dishes out.

Truth: It is true that abuse exists. It is also true that abuse exists in bdsm. Further it is true that many slaves have been abuse victims at some point in their lives. It is NOT true however, that all slaves in master / slave relationships are current victims of abuse. There are many differences between an abusive relationship and an m/s one. As well as differences between a slave and a victim of abuse. The most important difference between a victim and a slave is CONSENT. In an abusive relationship, the victim is not informed beforehand that their partner is going to abuse them. They do not discuss what kinds of abuse will be used or anything else along those lines. Therefore the victim gives no consent to the actions of the abuser. For slaves there are discussions of what will be expected, what kinds (if any) of b/d or s/m activities might or will take place, what the rules will be, how the owner will enforce these rules and so much more. All of these discussions are designed to give the slave the information they need to make an informed choice to consent or not consent. These discussions are also intended to prevent abuse through consent, determining compatibility, determining goals, informing each participant of any issues that could effect the relationship and more. The whole point is to learn if a relationship between those specific people will be a healthy and fulfilling one for them.
It is true that once a collar is accepted a slave is then expected to accept whatever the owner chooses to do. However, this is directly impacted by the numerous discussions before the collar and the continued communication that takes place after the collar. In a dominant/submissive relationship, the submissive is allowed (and expected) to set limits on what the dominant can or can’t do. This is not true for most slaves. However, it is expected for the slave to inform their owner of any condition or situation that effects how they will receive and respond to the owner’s actions. But the final decision of what actions to take or not to take, is up to the owner. A slave should be sure they fully understand and can accept what the owner will (or might) do, and what the owner is capable of BEFORE a collar is placed. Any limits are set by the owner, so it is imperative that a slave submit to an owner whose limits closely (or exactly) match their own. In this way, the owner’s limits extend to the slave and the slave does not have to set the limits themselves (yes it is a tiny distinction, but an important one). Some m/s relationships use contracts to spell out what is expected by each person, what is or is not accepted and more. These contracts often include guidelines for the slave to follow if they want release or if the owner starts to do unsafe things. Some areas can be compromised on, if the owner is willing to do so. (Some owners are not willing to compromise.) Things like clothing choices, toy preferences, types of play that need to be worked up to/introduced slowly and similar things can be compromised on. Other things such as sexual preferences, monogamy, polygamy and anything else that is a true NEED for the person, should not be compromised on as doing so usually leads to a bad ending.

Myth 3: Slaves can not take care of themselves and want an owner because they believe having one will solve all of their problems and the owner will take care of everything for them.

Truth: Unfortunately I can not say that this is completely false because there are people out there who are exactly this way and believe having an owner will fix everything. I can say that this is most commonly seen in people who are very new to bdsm, with little or no experience and is not found in just m/s relationships but in d/s ones as well. It is also known in purely vanilla relationships as the Knight In Shining Armor Syndrome. It is also true that people who are like this are the minority, not the majority. The truth of the matter is, this just does not work and is untrue for the vast majority of slaves as an m/s relationship is not a co-dependent one..Slaves must be capable people. First and foremost they must be able to take care of themselves. A person cannot take care of someone else unless they can care for themselves first. Many slaves have a lot of responsibilities. Some are required to do budgets, take care of the house, and/or assist their owners with a small business. Some have less complicated responsibilities, but regardless of what the specific responsibilities are the basic fact remains the same. The slave is expected and required to fulfill those responsibilities to their owner’s satisfaction. In some cases, slaves are required to take classes and learn how to do something their owner wants them to do. The slave’s goal is to please their owner. To be able to meet that goal, a slave has to be able to take care of themselves to ensure they will be able to take care of their owner and their responsibilities.An m/s relationship does make some things easier. For example, the division of power is very clear resulting in fewer power struggles (with a preference that there are none at all). This is easier than a vanilla relationship where power struggles are more frequent over such things as “Whose money is it?”, “who takes out the trash?” and other subjects that are clouded by the expectation of full equality. Having an owner does fix some things such as the desire to serve. An owner gives the slave someone to serve, thus satisfying this need and “fixing” any confusion or need to suppress it. However, other issues such as low self esteem, depression and similar issues, cannot be fixed by an m/s relationship and in many cases an m/s relationship will worsen those issues. Being owned is not a solution to life’s problems and issues. It is a relationship and thus adds issues of its own to whatever issues already exist in a person’s life.

Myth 4: Slaves are stupid and incapable of identifying their own wants/needs

Truth: It cannot be said that all slaves have a superior intellect, nor can it be said (truthfully) that all slaves are stupid. Logically speaking since both kinds of human intelligence exist, the same variations are found in slaves. However, less intelligent slaves have been rare in my experiences. I have seen slaves pretending to be stupid due to some mistaken belief that it makes them a better slave. This is not true. Often, these are people who are new to bdsm and master/slave with little experience. Slaves must be intelligent because they are often relied upon to handle many of life’s day-to-day aspects and to do so without constant supervision and directions. This requires problem-solving skills and extensive knowledge of how their owner prefers things to be. Slaves also need strong observation skills so they can learn what pleases their owner without them having to explain every tiny detail. Slaves are expected to learn quickly and to put their knowledge into practice on a consistent basis. Intelligence is required for these things and more. A slave’s intelligence coupled with their strengths, individuality and self-reliance direct effects their ability to identify their own wants and needs and to separate them properly. Speaking on an basic level, people only need those things that sustain life (food, clothing, shelter and intellectual stimulation), and everything else is a want. A slave must be able to tell the difference between things they truly need and things they want. This can be very hard to do, but with practice can be done. Someone with little intelligence, minimal self-awareness, and a lack of mental or emotional strength has a very hard time differentiating between the two. A slave who sees everything as an urgent need quickly frustrates their owner. This puts the slave’s focus on them selves over their owner and m/s will not work that way. Slaves are expected to inform their owner when a need arises and many also like to be aware of a slave’s wants as well. Most owners want to meet their slave’s needs because they know that needs must be met in order to kept he slave at their best. Many will try to meet a slave’s wants as well, often as a reward or because they love the slave or any other number of reasons. Owners are not mind readers, so it is up to the slave to be able to recognize wants vs. needs and inform their owner.

Myth 5: Slaves are weak.

Truth: Weak human beings exist, so I am sure there are weak slaves somewhere. (Weak is being used here to mean mental/emotional weakness, not physical strength) However, such weakness is the exception rather than the norm for slaves. Slaves are strong individuals and have to be so for many reasons:
  1. They must overcome society’s (and probably their upbringing) ideas of a “good relationship”
  2. They must have insight into and a good working knowledge of them selves. Weak people are unable to have these as they lack the strength to take such a deep look at themselves and usually have low self esteem and a skewed self-image
  3. Slaves have to reveal all of the knowledge this insight gives them to their owners. It takes a great deal of courage and mental fortitude to share these inner things with another.
  4. They have to have the self-control needed to live up to their end of the bargain as a slave. This takes strength, especially when they aren’t in the mood or don’t like a task given them. At these times they must rely upon their strength to complete these tasks and to behave in the manner they agreed to upon submitting to their owner.
  5. Giving complete control of one’s self to another is scary and very difficult to do. Our culture does not teach people how to do this and it is not easy to do. Doing this places the slave in a very vulnerable position (physically, mentally and emotionally vulnerable). It takes strength to give this control and to maintain submission.
  6. Slaves have to maintain all they currently are, and continue to grow as a slave, partner, lover, friend and every other role/title used to describe a person. Someone who is mentally or emotionally weak, can not grow because they lack the strength needed to identify areas that can be improved and to learn from their experiences.
All of these things take courage, strength and commitment to accomplish. A weak person would not be successful with this over time. Slaves do have weaknesses or bad habits, they have moments of fears, confusions, doubts etc., and they get tired, same as all people do. Slaves have these moments because they are people not because they are slaves. It is very common for others to blame slavery as the cause for those moments or times in a person’s life, when the true culprit is life itself and the fact that we’re human beings. The inner strength of a slave shows best during these times because it is that inner strength that makes it possible for them to continue being a slave during those down times.
Myth 6: Slaves are all the same and have (or are not allowed) no interests outside of their owner.
Truth: This myth is one that is often used to put down slaves. They are called robots, Stepford slaves or cookie cutter slaves. Despite the many similarities between slaves, once you get beyond these surface similarities differences become apparent. Slaves are human beings and as such there are just as many variations in personality, interests, behaviors, etc. in a group of slaves as there are in other group of people. On top of these human variations, slaves vary in bdsm areas as well. For example: The desire to please others is a similarity between slaves. However, the intensity, reason behind it, and expression of this desire differs from one slave to another. The same can be said for most, if not all, of the personality traits found in slaves. It is these variations that make each slave different. They also make which relationship type and owner that works for them, different. If slaves were all the same, there would be no need for compatibility discussions or any of the other things that are done before a commitment is made. Any slave would do for any owner. It is these very differences that make a slave right for one owner and wrong for another, and make growth possible. As for interests outside of one’s owner’s interests (such as hobbies, studies, friends etc.) every slave has them. Again, this is because slaves are people, not just slaves, so they have the same variety of interests as any group of people does. Most experienced owners encourage their slaves to continue with their interests and hobbies. For the owner, these things were most likely part of the attraction they have for that particular slave. Most owners want their slaves to be all of who they are and to enjoy their lives and they know that to do these things, the slave must have interests and such outside of slavery and bdsm so the owner encourages those interests and activities. If however, a slave’s interests or hobbies (and even friends) are detrimental to the slave, the owner might choose to make the slave stop or at the very least cut back on them. It is also not uncommon for a slave and their owner to learn more about any hobby or interest that they do not have in common so as to grow closer together. Also, people sometimes just need a break (especially during periods of stress) and a hobby can provide stress relief and the very break the person needs. Experienced owners know this as well and allow (even encourage) their slave to take such breaks.
These are the most common myths about slaves and slavery that I have seen or heard in my experiences so far. As one can see, these myths are often based on misunderstanding and/or a lack of knowledge or experience. These myths can cause a lot of harm sometimes if people believe them and then base their behavior in their relationship on them. These myths have often been used to insult, belittle or otherwise hurt a slave (even to a point of causing mental/emotional harm). Most often I have this done by people who are not slaves yet are somehow insecure or otherwise bothered by slaves, so they put them down. A master/slave relationship, when entered into with full knowledge before hand, can be a very healthy and happy relationship for those involved.
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I do hope that this particular essay helps those who read this blog to understand some of the realities of a master/slave relationship, and that it helps shed light on the many myths and misunderstandings that exist about these relationships.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Old Guard, New Guard, The way I was trained

I was doing some reading today. I came accross some articles regarding the history of the leather scene and read them. It was quite fascinating reading to be honest. Some of it was very familiar to me, not because I was there when these things were the norm, but because they were the things my mentor taught me.

I have told others that when I got online and found lots of people who enjoy bdsm and things like that, I made the mistake of trying to model my reality after what others told me was *right*, only to have it fail, of course. Rick, whom I consider my mentor, is the one who opened my eyes to realizing that bdsm is personal and it is what I make of it, what is right for me and my partners. He used to talk alot about the group he had been a member of for over 20 years down in Texas where he lived. He related to me things like group rules, ownership of a sub (but they were all called masochists or slaves), who owned the collar, who bestowed a collar, how a sub/slave was handled within the group itself and so many other things. It was he who showed me that I did not have to engage in a relationship where I have the final say and can say no whenever I want and have it obeyed if I did not want such a relationship. He trained me in formality, rituals, positions and ettiquette. The things he explained to me and showed me how to do, matched my feelings and desires better than d/s ever did.

Ok..gotta take this call..will finish later

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Running From Dennis The Menacing Hurricane

Master decided we were going to evacuate once our county said people should evacuate. After having the tornado in the backyard with Ivan last year, I was more than willing to evacuate since this storm was supposed to be a category 4 (with a possibility of being cat. 5) when it made landfall. We went to a part of Florida that is inland by at least 100 miles from either the atlantic ocean or the gulf of mexico. After we arrived, Master Fire-Soul told people in LnR where we were and that we were okay. But it turned out we couldn't call out from the hotel room phone, which was quite annoying. So I told Master Fire-Soul he could give people the number to the hotel so they could call us themselves and we can let them know we are okay.

It turned out that two people we know from online Master Rare`Vos and his slave zjari live in the town we were staying in! We got a call from them and agreed to meet for lunch. We had a great time! They are both such wonderful people, have great senses of humor and are very friendly. zjari was a blast! She has that verbal bantering sense of humor, similar to mine, only she is much better at it! Lunch was great! After lunch they came back to our hotel room and we sat and talked. Turns out we have a lot in common regarding our views of bdsm, gor and master/slave relationships, including what methods we believe work best for teaching someone who is new to bdsm about the lifestyle. I really really enjoyed meeting them and spending time wiht them. I hope we can do that again soon!

I had an interesting experience on the car ride. I know I have written about my troubles with writing and how I was using a tape recorder to record my thoughts so I wouldn't lose them when I sat down to put the thoughts on paper. Well, in the car, I was cross stitching and my mind tossed at me an article in rough draft form. I tried to just ignore it becasue I really need to finish this peice I'm working on, but my mind kept nagging me until finally I realized how I was feeling. I was excited, feeling creative, and really really WANTING to write! So I pulled out a pen and a notebook. I had brought my notebooks and some outlines that I have written for articles in the last 5 years, but neve rmanaged to actually write because I lost the thoughts I had about them. I was hoping that I could work on some of them while sitting in the hotel room for 3 days. Anyway, instead of working on an old article, I ended up producing an entirely new one. In just 30 minutes I had, on paper, a really good rough draft of an article about Gorean Natural Order. The best part??? I did not lose a SINGLE word, not a single thought...nothing! The entire article got written down, just as it showed up in my head and I missed nothing! It felt so good to write the way I used to again. It felt so RIGHT. so ME. I need that, and I can't believe how completely I had smothered that need in fear. I will do the re-write on the article then post it to LnR. I am also going to submit to the ezines I used to write for, see if they want it. Can't hurt to get out there and do it I don't think.

I am beginning to feel more confident in myself and my writing. More confident that I will heal this area of myself as well. Master was sooooooooooooooooo right to make me write an article a week or face punishment. At first I was terrified because I believed I could not write anymore and thus I would disappoint him. The idea of letting him down scared me more than writing. Which, I think he was counting on to be honest. Well, whatever his thoughts were they were correct. I swear, he knows me better than I know myself sometimes and I like it that way.

Well, I am exhausted. It was a long drive home and my back is hurting and I'm sleepy. So I'm going to stop here and go to bed.
Night Night!

Sunday, July 03, 2005

A Day At The Beach

I went with Master today to the hotel where my in-laws are staying. Its right on the beach. I bought a bathing suit yesterday because I knew Master wanted me to go with him today, since I couldn't go yesterday due to my back. So today I helped pack stuff, gathered up the MM (mini-master, my 9 yr old son) and Master's daughter and went with Master to visit his family. We sat around the hotel room, which was fairly large so we weren't too crowded, and chatted for a while. Then we had McDonald's for lunch and after that we went down to the beach. I wasn't going to, mostly because I am embarressed by my belly, but I knew Master really wanted me to. So I went ahead and put on my bathing suit and spent about an hour or so swimming in the ocean (which is the Gulf Of Mexico) and standing on the beach. The kids had a blast and it was a lot of fun watching them play in the surf. MM tended to spend much of his time playing by himself and that made me feel bad. I had hoped he would get better at socializing thanks to school, but that doesn't seem to have happened. He can play with other kids and enjoy himself, but he also seems to like playing beside other kids, rather than with them.

I really enjoyed swimming in the ocean. The water felt absolutely wonderful! It has been so long sicne I have gone swimming. It is nice to know that I do still enjoy it. The water was a bit choppy, not real bad though. I got to see just how badly I am out of shape by how quickly the waves (which really weren't that big) made me tired. After a while on the becah we went to the hotel pool, which was a lot easier to swim in. Of course, there were no currents or waves LOL I did some diving in the deep end, and I taught my niece how to dive alittle bit, she did quite well. Then I tried to teach the MM how to float, but he wouldn't relax enough to float.

Ok I'm falling asleep. I'll finish this tomorrow.