Raven's Flight Through Slavery

Another Week Goes By

2010-08-23T08:40:00.000-05:00

Another week has gone by. Time just seems to fly by now that I have gotten older. I remember, as a kid, that it felt like time took forever and waiting a few weeks for something felt impossible. I guess this is something everyone has to deal with as they get older.

I have started to participate in my sub_den discussion list again. A friend of mine told me that maybe I kill the dicsussions because I give too much information in my replies, trying to cover all the bases, and thus leave people with nothing to reply too. I thought about that for a while and I think he was right. So I have been practicing not doing that, in the hopes that discussions will continue even after I post. I really disliked it that people seemed to stop replying other than to tell me how smart I am or some such. Many people over the past 11 years that list has been in operation have stated that they look up to me as a model slave (which makes me very uncomfortable) and as an expert on BDSM (which also makes me very uncomfortable). I am neither a model slave, nor am I an expert on BDSM.

I am the best slave I can be and I still make mistakes. I consider myself to be fairly knowledgeable about BDSM, but not an expert. There are many people out there who know a lot more than I do and have more varied experiences than I do. I've had 3 power exchange relationships, one that was abusive in part due to the situations around the relationship. My current relationship is now 10 years old and we will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in December. So I do not have a lot of experience with play partners, play parties or things like that.

I've enjoyed s/m and b/d activities ever since I became consensually sexually active. They've just always been part of my fantasies and sexual activities from the start. But engaging in play activities is not the same as having served multiple dominants in a collared relationship. Of the three real life collars I have worn, I would have to say the first one wasn't even a dominant, though he was my husband at the time (now ex-husband). So I get uncomfortable when people hold me up as some sort of bdsm guru or something.

Ahhh well on to the real life stuff now..

The new school year has started here in the South Eastern US. I am still home schooling my son as I did last year. So far, so good! He has done pretty well with doing all of the work I assign him. Even better I have done pretty well at actually teaching him, rather than giving him a list of stuff to do and telling him "Go to it! Ask me if you need help". I am not proud of myself for dealing with it in this manner last year. Part of it was the major depression I was struggling with. As I got treatment for that, I got better at being more actively involved. When I got more actively involved, the better my son did. So this year I have decided to be as involved as I can be, while still making him do the work.

I've been surprised at my response to being more actively involved. I thought I would be bored out of my skull, but instead I find myself enjoying it. We have had many great conversation about history and science, and a couple times about math. We did his annual review last week. This is when a teacher (currently working, retired, or substitute teacher) reviews his work for the year and decides whether he did enough work to pass the grade. HE PASSED! Both my son and I were very very happy to hear that. Not only did he pass but the teacher (currently licensed teacher in our school district) had only one comment for improvement of my home school program; to make him read more. So now he is required to read a book for 1 hour a day and upon completion of the book provide a small book report as proof (for the school district) that he actually read it.

Master has added keeping the boy child's school work to my daily list of tasks. This was at my request, as a way to help me not fall behind or give up. So far, I am doing very well and am proud of myself. Even moreso, I am very very proud of my son!

Other than school starting up again, nothing else has really been going on. Someone posted a comment on an old post I made about BDSM and disability. Thank you for your reply Lee, I appreciate knowing that this blog is still read occasionally by someone other than my master. I agree that disability does not remove the fact that one is submissive or dominant. For me, it just changes how things get done and we have to be more creative about things sometimes.

Well, until next time, Be well and play safe!

A very good day

2010-06-17T21:00:00.000-05:00

Today was a great day despite the fact that nasty thunderstorms and havnig a physician's assistant (PA) poking, proding and pressing at my back has caused my pain to be pretty high. First, I had my pain management appointment. The doctor's office has hired yet another new physician's assistant and today was my first time seeing her. I was very nervous because being a pain management patient is difficult even with a great doctor. It is not unusual for the doctors and PA's to assume you are a drug addict without even bothering to read your chart or getting to know you so when you show up at the office for your appointment they already have their minds made up about you and you are now at a disadvantage. Everything you say, your body language etc. are all closely watched for any sign that you divert your medications or don't really need them. I've had doctors tell me that I was too young to have such pain, that breakthrough pain doesn't exist, that its all in my head and more. Right, a broken pelvis is all in my head. But I was lucky this time. Denise, the new PA, is GREAT! She actually listened to what I had to say and when she asked what my diagnosis was and I told her failed fusion to the left SI joint resulting in a permanent compound fracture, she told me that this would cause a great deal of pain. I was very surprised! Usually I have to try and convince the doctors that a broken pelvis is very painful, but not with Denise.

It was a great visit and I look forward to working with her in the future. She was easy to talk to, she listened, and she knew what she was talking about. She told me that the reason my appointments were now down to every three months (instead of monthly) is because the office has me on the list of "safe" patients. Meaning they know I follow all the rules, take only what I am prescribed the way it is prescribed, that I am not in danger of becoming addicted, that I don't divert my medication and I won't divert it, basically that I am trustworthy. I already knew that about myself, but it was still very nice to hear that my doctor and PA know it as well.

While I was in the waiting room I was stitching, like I usually do. I met a wonderful older woman named Grace. She comes from Panama and she used to stitch a lot. She can't do it anymore due to her health. She apparently has a lot of patterns that were passed down in her family from her grandmother and mother. She wants to give them to me because she could see how much I enjoyed stitching and she wants the patterns to go to someone who will enjoy them. I was so very touched by this! I will definitely treasure those patterns and probably stitch a bunch of them.

After the appointment I was hurting pretty badly thanks to the physical exam and the thunderstorms that are moving through the area. So I took a short nap, which helped a little. Master comes home tomorrow. I can't wait! I have missed him so much! The house always feels so empty when he is not here. I haven't heard from him yet today but I'm not too surprised. The person who set up his reservations screwed up and his hotel room was booked only until this morning. The hotel is also overbooked so he couldn't just add the day like he wanted to. Luckily a friend and co-worker is at the same symposium as him so he will share his room with master. I can't wait for him to get home tomorrow. I am expecting that when he gets home we will go into our room, close and lock the door and just spend some time together. Neither of us sleep well when we are apart so I am really looking forward to having him back in bed with me.

Due to the increased pain today I haven't done much because I know master would have ordered me to rest and take it easy. His number one rule for me is to not do anything that would hurt my back more. So when I am hurting real bad, I am supposed to take it easy. I am hoping I will feel better tomorrow so I can get some stuff done before he gets home.

All in all a very good day!

Daily Power Exchange

2010-06-16T04:58:00.000-05:00

So many people think that a daily power exchange must be full of rituals, strict requirements, and such. This is true of some relationships, but not all of them. My relationship is a bit more laid back, in part because we still have children in the home. With kids in the house, rituals have to be fairly circumspect. For example, master can not require that I meet him at the door naked, collared, and kneeling when he comes home from work. Its just not the thing to do with kids in the house. But master does have some requirements that could fall under "daily rituals" such as the 20 minutes alone in our bedroom when he gets home from work. Most often we take those few minutes to cuddle with each other and just talk to one another, or tease each other. Sometimes there is a spot of play or we make love.

Day and in day out power exchange is pretty much like any other relationship, we have our routines and tend to follow them. So certain things are just done without an order needing to be given. Master has gotten back to sending me a daily email with a list of tasks he wants me to complete that day. With my health issues there is not always a lot of things on that list, and sometimes it consists solely of "take it easy". Since my last post the emails have continued, and I have done the tasks given to me. My depression has gotten much better with the new antidepressant (thankfully!), which has made a major difference in how I feel and how well I can tolerate and handle my chronic pain. I'm still constantly surprised by the differences in those areas (now compared to 2009). I know that eventually I will get used to feeling so much better and feeling that way will become normal again. Until that happens I will probably continue to be amazed at how much better I have been feeling in so many areas.

Last week master and I spent the night at a lake because friends were vacationing in Florida and had rented a beautiful log home on the lake. We arrived Thursday night (the 10th) and had a blast just talking and joking with our friends. The next day they went tubing on a river and I stayed at the house on the lake because I didn't think my back would be able to handle me being stuck in an inner tube for 3 or 4 hours, unable to shift position when I need to. I didn't mind as I had brought my stitching and crochet with me, as well as a good book. I enjoy having time alone occasionally but with 6 people living here, I don't get time alone very often. So I spent Friday the 11th by myself. It was WONDERFUL! I read a book, did some stitching, sat at the dock with my feet in the water just listening to the sound of water lapping against the dock, the sounds of birds singing and watching people water ski on the lake. It was wonderful and I felt more rejuvenated afterwards, like I had recharged my flat batteries.

We've been working on the yard trying to get the leaves all raked up and the weeds mown down. There is a lot of sand in the soil around here (very close to the beaches) so we don't have a lush lawn of grass. Instead we have patches of grass and weeds. I've been able to do some of the work provided I go slowly, take breaks to gauge the increase in pain level, and stop when I hit a 6. I am also back to doing housework regularly so the house is neater and cleaner, things are also better arranged (budget, meal planning etc) and easier to keep up with stuff like laundry . Most of the tasks master assigns me have to do with those daily activities. He has learned that unless I am in a pain crisis, I can still move laundry even if I am in a lot of pain. It only requires me to turn the machine on, add soap, and throw in some clothes. It only takes a couple of minutes and can be done even if I am hurting badly. So laundry is quite often a daily task.

With the lightening up of my depression, my sex drive has also returned. So in the past 2 months or so (since my last post) we have played a few times and made love more often. It feels great to be myself again and master is very pleased with me.

Master is in Denver this week for his job's continuing education attending a symposium. So he gave me a general list of things I am supposed to do while he is gone. The first thing, as always, is not to push myself and cause a pain crisis. I miss him so much when he isn't here. I have a hard time sleeping because the bed just feels huge and empty. He also has a difficult time sleeping when he is away from home and for the same reason; when he is away I am not there. We've been talking a lot on the phone and hoping the week goes by quickly. It seems to be doing so because it is already Wednesday, which means he will be home in 2 more days YAY!

Well that pretty much catches this blog up to today. Thank you for reading and leaving comments, I do enjoy reading them!

Oh the repayment for a spot of fun

2010-04-06T15:34:00.000-05:00

Master and I went out on a date on the 28th. I spent most of the next week paying for it. We went out to dinner and then raided the book store as we both love reading. My lower back was very very upset by this and hurt like hell. I ended up spending 3 days mostly in bed to try and get it to calm down. When it finally calmed down my period showed up, which is always accompanied by increased pain in my back and pelvis due to cramps and bloating. And now I am sick. Oh yay!

Master has continued daily emails with tasks in them and I've done the best I could, but many of them have had to slide because I was stuck in bed with extreme pain. I did move laundry though after the first two days in bed (I think..this head cold is making it hard to think LOL). Sadly Master woke up sick today and is not feeling good either. Oh well.

Here's hoping next week is a better week.

Daily PE

2010-03-25T21:56:00.000-05:00

Master has continued to push and I am loving it. Emotionally and mentally I find myself a lot more relaxed, at peace with myself, and a lot happier when the PE is active between us. I understand that sometimes life gets in the way and the PE has to take a back seat for a little while, but when that goes on for too long I end up feeling a bit lost, confused, and anxious. Like something is missing and I start searching for what it might be. He says that he also feels happier and more at peace, which is wonderful!

I continue to feel much better and no longer depressed. I have managed to do everything that master has set as tasks so far this week and then some. The house is much cleaner, more organized and things are getting done regularly. Master says he feels more relaxed when he gets home now, less stressed and that just makes me feel wonderful!

Ebb and Flow of Control

2010-03-20T14:05:00.000-05:00

The ideal of power exchange is that it is always "on". There is never a down time, or a period where the PE must take a back seat while the people deal with other issues or because the people involved are just tired. The reality is that sometimes the obvious measures of control do take a back seat or do become quieter for a while.

In my life there are a lot of issues to deal with on a daily basis. We have children, bills, health issues (mine and his), relatives living with us and a toddler among them. Master has a very stressful job as well. Due to those issues there are times where control becomes very subtle or fades all together. This doesn't mean that we do not know who is in charge, I just mean that things like calling me on not completing a task that day and things like play have to take a back seat. There are times where I was awake for 2 or 3 days due to pain and then I finally crash. When that crash occurs, master lets things slide until I catch up with my sleep and the pain settles back into its more normal levels of annoyance.

This can become very frustrating. Even though I understand why it happens, it doesn't change the fact that occasionally my emotions get all confused because of it. When this occurs we end up talking about it and going from there.

We are currently in one of those talking phases now. My pain has been higher because the radio frequency procedure has worn off. Master sends me emails every day with tasks in them, but he decides whether or not to punish for them not being done when he gets home and sees the situation for that day. Days where he comes home and I am in bed due to pain, or sleeping because I was awake for 3 days, or just stressed to the max because the 2 year old was cranky that day, are days where he lets it slide. Sadly, those are happening fairly frequently because of my pain level being higher and thus my mobility is lower. The pain puts a lot of stress on us, and he puts my health and well being before everything. I understand this and I appreciate it a great deal, but that doesn't stop me from having the occasional (and very normal human reaction) negative reaction.

I can only imagine how frustrating this has to be for master as well. Wanting things done a certain way and finding they can be done one day, but not the next, has to be annoying to him as well. Or wanting to play and not being able to because I hurt too much. I feel bad because I know, whether he admits it or not, that my problems must frustrate, annoy, or even downright piss him off on occasion. He is human and has normal human responses. He is an understanding man and he knew what he was getting in to when he collared me and he accepted those limitations. But even when one knows and accepts a situation, they can still have moments where they get frustrated. He has told me in the past that he does occasionaly get frustrated, so I am sure it occurs. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.

No matter what is going on, I know that he loves me and that I do my best to continue to do things for him as much as I physically can. I just wish I didn't have the chronic pain that I have so that I could do more for him. But having an understanding master is just wonderful!

There is a side effect of such a situation for me. I get used to not getting in trouble for not getting all my tasks done and then occasionaly just shrug it off as no big deal, as they don't really matter. When I realize I have been doing this I feel guilty and I realize I have been doing that lately. Not every day, but some days. It is really hard to get back to doing things after I have spent a year in deep depression with no desire to do anything at all. Now that my new anti-depressant is working I have more desire to do stuff and am slowly working at getting back on my feet and doing more.

Well that's it for me. Play safe and have fun!

The Joys Of Play!

2010-03-17T18:05:00.000-05:00

I enjoy bdsm pain play activities. I enjoy subspace, but I also enjoy having pain play without achieving subspace. Sometimes I just crave the pain. There is a difference between pain caused by an illness or injury and pain caused by such a scene. My desires for a good spanking had started to ramp up the last couple of weeks, but with the increased back pain we couldn't do anything. Well yesterday I watched some spanking videos and this aroused me and my needs. Last night master and I did some playing and made love. By the second hit I was floating in subspace. Oh it was wonderful!

My nipples and other parts are still sore today but man oh man was it worth it! It satisfied my need for play, but not my need for non-subspace play. That kind of play is harder to do in a house with 6 people because I end up crying and usually fairly bruised, as well the play itself is noisy as he sometimes uses a hairbrush or flogger instead of the cane (which is quieter). Hopefully we will be able to satisfy this need soon.

Today was a decent day. My pain level is up due to playing and fisting last night (which always makes my pelvis hurt, which is why we don't do it very often). Despite the increased pain its been a good day. I had my doctor's appointment, am scheduled for radio frequency diagnostic next Wednesday and I got to drive my Mustang! YAY! I also did some stitching at the doctor's office. I love how, after we play, I am always in a good mood the next day. I feel more relaxed, mentally and physically.

Well that's it for me. Until next time, play safe and have fun!

Thoughts On BDSM, Relationships, Submission etc. and My Self

2010-03-16T06:19:00.001-05:00

I wrote an essay about the Common Myths of BDSM back in 2005. I posted it in this blog (you can view original post here if you want.) I got a comment, which of course was written anonymously, on that old post. I get such a kick out of people who post such attacks, they always do so anonymously. Maybe that’s because their attack of another human being’s personal relationship choices is not Christian and they know it. Christianity teaches “Love thy neighbor whether you agree with them or not”, though sadly it seems more accurate to say that it gets taught this way more often “love they neighbor only if they think and act just like you, otherwise attack at will!”

I realize that some people think these same thoughts when reading a blog such as this one, or the web site that I maintain. I am choosing to answer each point raised. Not to attack the original poster back, but with the intention of teaching those who read this and hopefully increase tolerance and understanding of the various relationship styles which exist in this world.

Anonymous said: master slave relationship? are u sure ure talking about relationship and not just fucking losing ur choice on ur own.i read up the whole article but i still i can't consider you more than a doormat.
u have lost that choice of being yourself...in not only supporting ur "master" in what is wrong but also inenhancing that wrong doing.
hurting urself physically or emotionally doesnt excuse ur faults but only makes it more obvious...
im not sure ur a believer of god ... because god doesnt allow these pains inflicted on a body he created...
or maybe ur just trying to accept the whole situation because ur "master's" sins wont be forgiven, ...
ur just not another body ... u maybe thinking ... as you said ... but only about him.giving in to his wants it not giving in to his sadist nature. but obsessive thinking is not the right process thoughts.
are ua christian? 'giving' is christianities first need.But not giving up ur life and ur thoughts. or for that matter ur body
pain is not A solution to ANYTHING
BETTER YOU DIE CUZ UR JUST INCREASING THE SIN BAG OF UR LOVING "MASTER"

(Italics are to separate the commentator's words from my own)

Commenter: Do I consider this a relationship?

Yes I do. Dictionary dot com defines relationship as:

a connection, association, or involvement.
connection between persons by blood or marriage.
an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
a sexual involvement; affair.

Our relationship fits all of the above in that we have a strong connection emotionally, mentally, and physically. We are married and we certainly have sex. So yup, I consider this a relationship.

Commenter: Are you sure you’re talking about a relationship and not just losing your choice? (and doormat comment)

Yes I am quite sure. I entered into this style of relationship with full knowledge of what I was doing and why. My submission is given freely. It was not forced nor taken against my will through domestic violence or abuse of any kind. I still make many choices on my own every single day. Master and I do not engage in micro-management as it is not something that works for either of us. I do not have to have his permission to leave a room, change clothes, etc. I make decisions regarding children, my health, budgeting, and more every single day. Just because I keep his preferences in mind when I make those choices does not mean that *I* am not making the choice. It just means that I have an extra consideration involved in the process of choosing. It is not any different from a vanilla relationship where the wife chooses to wear a specific outfit because she knows her husband likes it the best. I just keep his preferences in mind for all the choices I make.Yes he has final say in everything and can veto a choice I make and I would obey him. But this does not negate the fact that I do continue to make my own choices.

As for the doormat comment: Anyone who knows me knows I am far from a doormat who blindly obeys any order given by anyone, has no thoughts/opinions/feelings of my own and lets everyone walk all over me. Being submissive does not make me a doormat. It takes strength to submit one’s will to another in a consensual healthy way. I am free to form my own opinions, think anything I want to think (or anything that just pops up for that matter LOL), and act in whatever way I choose to. Just like anyone else I have to consider the repercussions of my actions. I just have an added repercussion in the form of my master should I choose to do something I know he will not like. Everyone considers how their actions will affect their partner in any relationship. The difference is in how much weight is given to the partner's preferences over one's own.

Commenter: You have lost that choice in being yourself.

Actually I have done the opposite. For many years I struggled to fit into my parents’ ideas and society’s ideas of “normal”. This caused me to suppress large parts of who I am because they didn’t fit in with that ideal. By finally choosing to enter into an m/s relationship I am finally free to express all of who I am, suppressing nothing. I have always had a submissive personality, always wanted to please others and always doing things for others because it makes me happy. Before I knew about bdsm and healthy submission those traits helped me get into a lot of trouble and make unhealthy choices. Now that I understand submission better (and understand myself better) I am free to be all of who I am and do it in a healthy way. So lose myself; not at all. I found myself and I can’t describe accurately how wonderful it feels to finally be all of who I am instead of constantly trying to make myself fit someone else’s idea of who I should be.

Commenter: "in not only supporting ur "master" in what is wrong but also inenhancing that wrong doing."

Response: This is a matter of opinion. I do not see our relationship as wrong because it is what works for us. I am healthy and quite happy.

Commenter: "hurting urself physically or emotionally doesnt excuse ur faults but only makes it more obvious..."

Response: I do not hurt myself physically or emotionally. In fact my relationship with master has done the exact opposite, it has strengthened me emotionally and physically. He supported me while I did a great deal of work on myself healing from an abusive relationship. As I went through the process of putting myself back together. He did not tell me how to do this other than to urge me to see myself in a positive light rather than a negative one.

I have faults and am quite aware of them. I strive to improve those faults. Some of them can be changed and others can’t. Master accepts me for who I am, faults and all. My master helps me while I work at correcting my faults through support and guidance. His goal for me is to see me be healthy, happy, strong, and all those good things as the person I am.

The commenter then goes on to bring up religion, Christianity and how God would not accept sadomasochism or submission as healthy. (for reason of space I’m not going to copy the entire section, scroll up if you want to re-read the last bit before reading my reply.)

I consider myself religious in so far as I do believe in a god. I was raised Catholic. BDSM and my desires for bdsm and my submissive personality were not the reasons I rejected that specific religion. I won’t get into all the reasons why I rejected it as those are too personal but I will say that I do believe in a god. I believe in treating others the way you would want them to treat you. I believe in caring for others. As for God accepting pain play activities, I believe he does and my logic is fairly simple. Sadomasochism is not new. Human beings have been engaging in such activities for thousands of years. Since God created all human beings, he created all varieties that exist within human nature; good and bad. Since he created them, he must accept them or they wouldn’t exist.

I do not agree that a person can say “God created everything” and then say that He doesn’t accept the very things He made. Though this seems to be a prevalent belief among many religious people. This specific hypocrisy was one of the reasons I rejected Catholicism. Here is an example from my experiences: I was taught that a good woman does not enjoy sex and if she does then she is a sinner in God’s eyes and is unredeemable. This bothered me because God made the human body and the female body contains a clitoris. The entire purpose of the clitoris is to achieve orgasm, thus causing great physical pleasure and enjoyment of sex. God wanted people to procreate and one way to ensure that happened was to make sex enjoyable because, quite simply, if it didn’t feel good we wouldn’t do it and we wouldn’t procreate. If God didn’t want a woman to enjoy sex, he wouldn’t have created the clitoris in the first place.)

I could start providing quotes from the bible that support submission, corporal punishment and sex between spouses as there are many appropriate ones to be found. However, I do not want to get into a religious debate and providing such quotes will do just that.

commenter: ur just not another body ... u maybe thinking ... as you said ... but only about him.giving in to his wants it not giving in to his sadist nature. but obsessive thinking is not the right process thoughts.

I am quite aware that I am not just another body. I am quite aware that my needs, wants, likes, dislikes, desires, etc. also count. My master is also quite aware of these things and wouldn't have it any other way. Part of getting into a healthy relationship (regardless of bdsm-style or not) is finding someone you are compatible with. Finding someone whose beliefs about relationships are similar to your own. Within bdsm this means finding someone whose opinions and beliefs on bdsm topics and play are a close match to your own. In any relationship the people involved will do things for their partner for varying reasons (make them happy, just because they want to etc.). This also occurs in a power exchange relationship. My master doesn't just give orders or make rules based solely on himself. He takes into consideration my wants, needs, etc. before making his decisions; same as occurs in many vanilla relationships. I know my master always keeps my best interests at heart. We've been living together and married for just a little under 10 years. If he were an obsessive, overbearing, selfish boar I would not still be here.

I have had similar comments sent to me via e-mail during the 13-14 years I have been online. At first such comments would send me into a mental tailspin. I would start questioning myself, my choices, my needs/wants/desires …everything. This tailspin was caused by low self-esteem, emotional baggage, fear, and lack of confidence/trust in myself. As I learned more about bdsm in general, and myself specifically my self-esteem and confidence grew. These comments no longer send me into a tailspin, nor cause me to question my choice to submit within a healthy consensual m/s relationship. Instead they provide me with an opportunity to discuss the various points raised in an effort to educate others. My intention is not to convert anyone into doing bdsm/power exchange if they feel it is wrong for them. My intention is to increase understanding and tolerance of power exchange relationships and bdsm activities as the healthy expressions of self that they are for me and many others.

There are many more points that could be made, more examples given, and more thorough exploration of each topic that was raised; but I chose to give just basic information as I knew this would be a long post anyway. I am definitely long winded *laugh*.

Found a Distraction

2010-03-16T05:01:00.000-05:00

I posted earlier about struggling to keep myself distracted so that I don't overdo it physically and make my back/pelvis hurt more than usual.Well I accidentally found a way to keep myself from doing too much and breaking master's #1 rule; injure a knee and be stuck off your feet. LOL

I didn't do it on purpose or anything, but two days ago my foot got tangled in the power cord for the fan in our bedroom. This caused me to fall and I landed real hard directly on my right knee. Ohmygosh did that ever flipping hurt! And here I thought my chronic pain was bad, this made it seem like nothing more than a stubbed toe! As a result my knee is swollen and quite painful. So far the only thing that seems to help it is to stay off my feet and apply ice off and on throughout the day. I can bend it and walk on it so I'm sure I didn't break anything, but I definitely bruised it real bad. So I spent today mostly in bed icing my knee and trying to sleep, which I failed at. Since it is 4:57AM it is obvious I still haven't been able to sleep.

Not the best distraction, not an intentional distraction, but it certainly works as a distraction from the increasing need to do more.

I am still working on my response to the points raised by an anonymous commenter to this blog. Hopefully I can get it posted soon!

Wednesday

2010-03-10T19:39:00.000-06:00

Today was an odd day. I have felt "off" all day. Probably because I was up all night and was expecting my brother to have a major surgery today. Master took him to the hospital but apparently while I was asleep he called to be picked up so my SIL picked him up. The doctor decided, after my brother was all prepped for surgery, that it didn't need to be done right away since my brother isn't having pain in his legs. So they sent him home. This, of course, wasn't what I was expecting to happen today and I was all set for surgery, visiting at the hospital and recovery and instead, none of it happened, so things feel a bit off.

I slept from 10AM to 1:45PM which doesn't help that feeling of things being off a bit LOL

There was no email today because Master was very busy as work with loads of running around outside of the office. But that's okay because he had told me last night what he wanted me to do today. He ordered me to take it easy because I was in a great deal of pain last night (which is partly why I was awake all night) and it was supposed to rain today which always makes me hurt more. So today was a "take it easy" kind of day.

Something interesting did happen though. I posted last night for the first time in a year in this blog. When I connected my yahoo IM to chat with my daughter (possibly..as she is away for a few weeks) I got a message from another slave. She had apparently found my blog and liked what I had posted, so she contacted me via IM. I've spent most of the afternoon chatting with her. She seems like a very nice woman and we have many things in common. We have experienced similar issues in relationships in our lives, we have similar hobbies (she likes to crochet, as do I), she is disabled and is the same age as me. Her master will be moving in with her next week and I wished her well. She sounds so very happy and excited about it! I wish them both well and hope that their relationship brings them both a lot of joy! So now I have a new friend to chat with and that will be cool.

I went over my son's school work (I homeschool him) today, started 1 load of laundry and emptied the trash under my computer desk but that was it. Mentally I want to do so much more now that the depression has lifted but right now I know I physically can't or I will end up in a pain crisis. I hate when this happens because it is very frustrating to have the conflicting desires battling it out in my head. I have a lot more energy (physically, mentally and emotionally) and this makes me want to do more things but I know I can't. So I've been trying to keep myself busy mentally and distract my mind from the things I can't do right now. Hopefully I will get the radio frequency redone in April or May, and then I can start doing more physically.

When master came home from work, we sat and chatted about his day for a little while. I really enjoy those few moments alone with him but we don't get them uninterrupted very often. Our niece, who is 2 years old, lives with us and if we close our bedroom door she gets upset. She'll knock on the door, try to open it (we have to lock it), yells our names and cries. I feel so guilty when I have no choice but to go to bed and close the door because it upsets her. I don't like scaring or worrying her, which me going to bed during the day does to her.

She wants to spend time with master and I, specially when master first comes home. She doesn't like it when I have to sit in bed duriung the day, instead of in the living room where she can get in my lap or easily get my attention. So when I have to go to bed, she screams and cries. I try not to show my pain around her as it scares her and I don 't want to scare her. But soemtimes I can't help it. If the broken bones in my SI joint rub together or pop/snap/grind it sends a sharp pain shooting through me that I don't expect which will cause me to cry out. She loves me, so she worries when that happens. Though it is really sweet and cute when she insists on someone taking her into the kitchen so she can get me an ice pack for my back. She'll give me a hug and a kiss and say "all better?". She is so cute!

Oh! There was one more thing I did today. I started an essay. Yesterday, before I posted, I went through the comment this blog has received and deleted all the spam ones. I came accross a comment that was posted anonymously (of course) attacking me, my master, and our lifestyle choices on the basis of religion. I didn't delete the comment either as that would be unfair. People who post their opinions in response to my posts have every right to air their opinion whether it agrees with my choices or not. Anyway, this made me think for a few moments and I typed my thoughts into MS Word, which of course resulted in the beginning of an essay. Hopefuly I will get it done soon and post it.

Well that was pretty much it for my day. My pain is up to an 8 so I'm going to go to bed and do some stitching!

Today's Happenings

2010-03-08T19:15:00.003-06:00

Master has gone back to sending me emails every work day. These emails contain my tasks for the day. Today's tasks were to pick up the bedroom a little bit and move some laundry. I did both. I also did a bit more. I did some picking up in the dining room, including clearing and cleaning the table for dinner, sweeping the floor and I folded some laundry including all the towels. I also did some picking up from the master bathroom and living room. When my pain went up I stopped so I wouldn't over do it.

I've spent the last couple hours stitching in bed. I figured I would take a break from stitching and post in this blog. I am trying to increase my activities but I do have to be careful and not move too fast.

I enjoy getting a task email from him daily, even though my chronic pain makes it difficult for me to do a whole lot, having those few things to do assists in keeping my submissive side alive. The radio frequency procedure has worn off, so my daily pain level has gotten higher. With the higher pain level, my mobility decreases but I am trying to keep moving as much as I can. Since Master's number 1 rule for me is to not push my back or in any way hurt/harm myself, I have to be careful. It doesn't take much to increase my pain level. This effects me in different ways with the biggest being feeling uselessand feeling that I do not satisfy or please him as much as I want to. I try to remember that he will let me know if he is not pleased and that he will not lie to me by telling me he is pleased when he isn't. But that can be difficult to believe, specially when I am stuck in bed for a few days, or when my pain level will not allow me to play or make love. I am my own worst enemy and do a great job of mentally yelling at myself for the things I have percieved as having been wrong. I have gotten better than I used to be, but I do still come down on myself more than I should. This is something I continue to work on.

I consider myself very lucky to have such an understanding Master. One who doesn't demand that I do things that I can not physically do. One who doesn't demand I hurt myself or tell me I am useless, no good, and that he wants another slave because I am disabled. Sadly there are people out there that are not willing to be in a relationship of any sort with a disabled person and I find that to be very sad. I understand that people all have different wants, needs, likes, and dislikes, and what works for one person doesn't work for another but personally I find that such an attitude (disabled people are not relationship worthy type attitude) speaks volumes about the kind of person they really are. It is not a good thing in my opinion either.

It has been over a year since I have written in this blog. I am sorry about that, but it couldn't be helped. I spent most of last year in a deep depression. It ate up everything! I didn't want to write, stitch, or anything else. I did not realize just how bad it had gotten until after my father passed away last June (2009). I asked my doctor to change my medication and it took a while to get it done. I've been on the new medication for about 2 months now and I feel ever so much better! I no longer want to just sit in a chair staring at the TV and doing nothing that I am not directly ordered to do. I have more energy, I sleep better, and I am enjoying things again! It feels marvelous!

I am hoping to post to this blog at least once a week, if not more often. The goal for this blog was to give readers an idea of what living in a 24/7 m/s relationship could be like. I understand that everyone's relationship is different but I wanted to help people to realize that an m/s relationship still has to deal with all the regular every day stuff a vanilla relationship must deal with. I thought that in order to show this it would be a good idea to blog about my relationship with my Master.

Until next time, play safe and have fun!

Power Exchange In The New Year & Give and Take in a Power Exchange

2009-01-30T09:18:00.003-06:00

Master and I did some talking about our relationship and where we would like it to go in the next year. He mentioned wanting some kind of ritual in place and more frequent play as he really misses it (so do I for that matter). He is still considering what rituals he would like to put in place. He has started sending me emails on a daily basis with a task or two that he wants me to do in the email. I enjoy getting those daily emails from him as I have missed having specific tasks to do. I know what he expects on a daily basis, how he wants things done around the house and all of that, but it is still nice to get a specific task ordered. Sending those emails can be considered a ritual of sorts and it seems to be something he likes to do as well.

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day about how relationships change over time, even bdsm based relationships. She was telling me how in the early years of a relationship it is not unsual for the s-type to want to do all the household chores them selves, but as time goes on that may change. For me, I have wanted to do all the household chores myself because I do not work and master does, so I felt that taking care of the house is my job. Sadly due to my physical limitations, it is not always possible for me to do all the household chores. I'm not supposed to move furniture around for example, so when it is time to vacuum under the couch either master or someone else has to move the couch for me. Because of this I had to adjust my preferences to meet my reality early on. This was not easy for me to do and even now I have days where I feel that I am not pulling my weight. Those days always coincide with increased pain that results in decreased mobility. Master is very understanding of my feelings in this area (and most other areas as well).

Anyway as my friend and I were talking the idea of a family as a "team" came up. The point was made that even in a family where the parents have a power exchange based relationship, they are still a team and as such, each party can and should pitch in when needed. I have to agree with this statement. Service based s-type or not, master and I are married and we have children. We are also human. Because of those things there are times where we have to step up and pitch in regardless of the power disparity between us. I do not see this as detracting from my submission or his dominance. I see this as simply the day to day give and take that must occur in any long term relationship if it is to survive.

Separating out power, clarifying who is responsible for what duties, and setting limits on the relationship/behaviors/etc are all part and parcel of a bdsm relationship. But any relationship has to be fluid, there has to be give and take. This also applies in a bdsm relationship. Even with the clearly defined roles and responsibilities of a bdsm relationship, there has to be leeway for the very basic human nature of the people involved.

To me, who does the dishes after dinner does not reflect upon who has more power in the relationship. I think it reflects more upon how master and I care for and love each other that we are both willing to do things that are not typically part of our "role" for the benefit of our family and our relationship as a whole. I think this fluidness is often overlooked when people discuss bdsm parameters with a prospective partner, specially with novices. Many people seem to see the division of power as a way to clearly define who does what in the relationship and that those delineations should erase any need for compromise; so long as the s-type does their part and the d-type does their part then everything will be fine. Sadly no human relationship can be that easily defined all the time. Situations, emotions, needs, wants, desires and abilities all change over time. If the people involved are not willing to change when necessary to meet the needs of those changes when they occur, then I believe the relationship will have great difficulty.

I have decided to write my tasks down in my blog, hopefully on a daily basis. I miss writing in my journal so I am going to try to blog every day, though if something really personal arises that I do not feel comfortable putting on the internet it will go in my paper journal not online. I'm hoping that by doing this I will once again pick up my writing and start working on the many essays I have outlined in my notebooks. I am also hoping that this will help me start working again on my web site as I have fallen woefully behind on it.

Today's tasks:
Laundry
Grocery List
Balance Checkbook
Pay End of Month Bills/Budget
Clean Bedroom
Go to the doctor for follow up appointment
Shower and shave
Stitch for at least 1 hour
Work on writings

Power Exchange and Daily Living

2009-01-19T15:24:00.003-06:00

Master and I have been together for 8 years now, which makes me very happy. I have noticed though that the power exchange between us has become more subtle than it was in the beginning. I am still well aware of who has final say. I still do things in the way I know he prefers them done, but the feelings of dominance and submission are not as intense as they used to be.

I am sure that some of this is simply that we are no longer in any honeymoon phase of our relationship. Having been together this long, that whole "wow this is so wonderful!" thing that happens in the begining of a relationship is not there anymore. I know that some of it is simply because we have both adjusted to each other and there is less need for us to tell each other our preferences, needs or wants; we already have a really good idea of what works for each other and what doesn't. I am also sure that some of this comes solely from my physical disabilities and how they effect my ability to do things.

I've talked about this with others who have been in a relationship with the same person for many years and they say similar things. I don't see this as a bad thing. I enjoy knowing where I stand and having the security that comes from knowing what to do and how to do it. With more time that passes, the more comfortable we get with one another. The more secure we become within our relationship and ourselves. I like that comfort and security.

Just a few thoughts that popped into my head.

More online bullshit

2009-01-18T13:21:00.005-06:00

Well, yet again someone is trying to discredit me by telling half truths and contradictions. I had to kick/ban someone from my submissives only group for breaking both list rules and the terms of service of yahoo groups. I don't enjoy doing that, but I will do it when I have to.

Yahoo does not allow a group owner/moderator to send unwanted invitations to people, they consider it spam and it is against their TOS. It was brought to my attention by a few people on my list (one of whom had only been there 9 days or so, and was only on my list as it was the only one she had found [through LnR]) that they were receiving unwanted spam invitations to join another group. I asked that they send me a full copy of the invitation so I could see who was doing it. As soon as I found out who it was, I posted about it and banned the person, as I have done to every other person that I found harvesting email addresses and spamming my members in the 12 years my groups have existed. When I found out who it was I was a bit hurt and angry because it was someone I had thought highly of and never thought they'd do this, but they did.

Once she was banned I received two private emails from her partner (I'll call him John Doe). The first wasn't too bad, the second was getting worse and I replied politely telling him why I had banned her. The third email he sent in response was pretty dang bad and filled with insults and things that did not need to be said. I did not respond to this third email figuring to do so would simply cause trouble.

No one on my list discussed this other list, its owners, moderators or members. We moved on to discussing how to swallow cum. I started to receive private emails from people who were telling me what John Doe was saying on his list. He posted a totally unnecessary diatribe of lies and smoke screens to his list, badmouthing me and my list. I am not a member of his list so am not there to defend myself. When someone did defend me they were banned from the list.

I decided that despite my not being on his list anymore, I would respond to his statements here. He asked many questions that are designed to turn the discussion into an argument over things that do not pertain to the subject at hand; the banning of his girlfriend.

His girl (Jane Doe) was banned from my list for spamming people and nothing more than that. It had not been done sooner (she has been on the list since 2005, but never really participated) as no one had complained to me until last week. As soon as it was brought to my attention, I acted, simple as that.

John then posted about how they had not been online in over a week and that Jane had not gone into any group in months. A paragraph later he then stated that Jane went through her backlog of email (since they are set to receive individual emails from many groups, mine included..this means she read group mail, so she went "on the group"), found some interesting people and sent them invites. He posts this 3 separate times, followed again by his statement that she hadn't been on a group in months. Well, you can't have it both ways. This is a direct contradiction but more importantly, it is also a direct admission of guilt.

Despite his contradiction, in three separate posts, he made it clear that Jane did indeed break my list rules and Yahoo TOS. This is exactly why she was banned, nothing more. By sending invites to interesting people one finds through email messages from group emails, one is harvesting the email address off of a group email and then spamming the person with an unwanted invitation. He admits she did this. When I became aware she was doing it, I banned her.

So my response is: Since she did it, what is the big deal? Why did this warrant a rant on his list about all kinds of stuff that did not pertain to the situation at all? Why turn it into a huge drama that it did not need to be? I just don't get it.

As for his other accusations they were made solely to divert attention away from the matter at hand, that his girlfriend broke yahoo TOS and the rules of my list and was banned for it. There was no need for all the mudslinging bullshit that he threw out after that.

Interesting..he posts a major rant, calling up unnecessary crap, providing only a quarter of the truth all to cast the attention away from the behavior of his girlfriend; yet he says I am a drama queen? Pardon me while I continue to laugh myself silly over this...ROFLMAO

BDSM as a religion?

2008-05-22T20:25:00.003-05:00

"Mainly what we are trying to show is that this is not a religion or religious practice, therefor we are not the atheist we have been accused of being for not believing or practicing BDSM.. "

Personally I am unclear as to how they got the idea that someone thinks bdsm is a religion, but so be it. Other statements were made to the effect that bdsm is not part of any religion out there, nor are power exchanges.

I do not see bdsm as a religion. However, I do understand how one can reconcile their religious beliefs and their desire for a power exchange relationship. Most often these quotes from the bible are used in this manner:

Ephesians 5:22-24
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Colossians 3:18Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord

1 Peter 3:1-6In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands, even those who refuse to accept the Good News. Your godly lives will speak to them better than any words. They will be won overYour beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight . That is the way the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, when she called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.

Also, Southern Baptists adopted a declaration back in 1998 which stated that a wife must submit to her husband in all things. This declaration used the same quotes above as proof for this. http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9F02EED8123AF933A25755C0A96E958260

I believe that the reason this whole topic was raised (and thrown in my face) was because one person repeated that the Southern Baptists had made such a declaration and that it makes those relationships very similar (if not the same) as power exchange ones (domination/submission or master/slave).

I do not see how bdsm in and of itself can be termed a religion, but I do see how some people need to reconcile their religion to their chosen relationship style and those bible quotes (as well as the Southern Baptist declaration) makes such reconciliation easy.

"See Exhibit B052108_Exhibit_B_RoseSpeaks.pd fandhttp://annanicoleandhowardkstern.com/051308_A... Rose says: May 16th, 2008 at 2:54 am BTW while I am venting here is McCabe saying he is NOT the head of his household so therefore my faith and beliefs that the husband is the head of the household makes me “porn”… ggggggeeeeeessssssshhhhh is McCabe upset because I follow my religious faith and beleive that God wants me to defer to my husband on certain things… WHY is my religious faith even at question here and are all of those women slamming me saying they are atheists or just that they would NEVER let their husband be the head of the house? Why don’t they put up or shut up… why don’t they answer… are all of the women the head of their households and they fear that some of us who still follow our religious beliefs should be destroyed for that… so is McCabe saying I must be hated because I am not an atheist but follow my God’s teachings??"

This is not saying that bdsm is a religion, it is saying that deferring to one's husband is part of the person's religious faith. The quotes from the bible above support this belief, as does the baptist declaration from 1998. These people twisted this post (which was not even on their forum in the first place, but an entirely different one) to say that Rose believes bdsm to be a religion. Sad how some people can't read English very well.

Is BDSM Domestic Violence?

2008-05-22T19:44:00.003-05:00

The statements were made that bdsm relationships are domestic violence, abusive relationships. I disagree. Abusive relationships are not based on informed consent. The abuser does not discuss what he/she plans to do with their victim. Nor do they get permission of the victim to do those things. In BDSM the dominant partner does discuss their plans with the submissive partner and consent is given.

For more see:
http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/healingabuse.htm

http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/ravenbdsmabuse2.htm
http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/dakinidsandabuse.htm

Disability In BDSM

2008-05-22T19:32:00.002-05:00

(Hopefully she wasn't abused, even willingly. We are seeing that most of these women are "Disabled" and it's not difficult to arrive at WHY. Very sad indeed.) This statement is basically saying that disability is a result of bdsm. This is so far from the truth as to be totally laughable.

I am disabled due to having given birth to a baby that was too large to pass through my pelvis easily and passing her caused extensive damage to my pelvis. Further I have degenerative disc disease which has affected two discs in my lower back resulting in bad discs and a great deal of nerve damage. Having my second child put further damage to my pelvis resulting in a fusion becoming necessary. The fusion failed leaving me with a permanent compound fracture of the left sacroiliac joint (part of the pelvis). This has had nothing at all to do with my lifestyle choices, engaging in bdsm play activities, or being a slave.

I know others in bdsm who are disabled due to diabetes complications, birth defects, auto accidents and surgical errors. I also know a large number of people who are not disabled at all yet are still involved in bdsm.

There is no proof that bdsm leaves people disabled or that disabled people are more drawn to bdsm than able bodied people. In fact, going solely by the numbers, I would have to say that the opposite is true (more able bodied people are involved in bdsm than disabled people).

Educating Others About BDSM

2008-05-22T19:19:00.002-05:00

I went to a site yesterday because they had part of my essay on begging posted. It was a "discussion" forum based on Anna Nicole Smith and everything surrounding her and her death. A friend of mine had been posting there and one of the posters found out about her interest in bdsm. They went to her bdsm site and followed the links, which landed them on my site. They they took part of my begging article, which has nothing to do with the topic they were supposed to be discussing, and posted it with comments such as "These people are f'ed!" and similar comments (some worse). I politely requested that my essay be removed as it was used without my permission. This, of course, prompted them to hit back with "fair use". I went through the requirements of fair use to show how the way they used the essay did not meet those requirements and thus by taking it without permission it was copyright violation.
Well, they proceeded to directly attack me, my chosen lifestyle and relationship. What annoyed me was they deliberately asked questions that I knew they did not truly want the answers to. I was good and did not reply to any attacks, insults, threats or what have you. I posted solely to the topic of my essay and copyright, and in response to someone wishing me well and asking me a whether or not I was the same Raven that posts on a political site (which I am not.) One of the members then chose to do some research and posted my real name to the forum, making it quite clear that she has my information and veiled threats of using it. This does not scare me.
Part of me really wanted to answer the statements they made, but I knew better than to do it on their forum. So instead, I will list the questions that were asked and answer them here where they might do some real good.

Updating This Blog & Thoughts

2008-05-08T19:44:00.003-05:00

I have revamped this blog and I like the layout much better. I have also added labels to the entries, but I have not gone back and labeled every post that is in the archive but I will try to do that over the next couple weeks. I'm going to try to blog a little more often even if it is just a re-write of an old essay.

I mistakenly posted my real thoughts on a discussion list today on a topic that I knew would cause a bit of an uproar. Some posted the list of "Submissive Rights" that has been making its way around the internet for the 11 years I have been online. This, of course, raised the topic of whether or not a submissive/slave has the right to just up and leave at any time to get out of a relationship. Legally speaking, everyone has that right in most countries. BDSM however is not exactly legal and relies heavily on people deciding for themselves what they want to do or not do. I believe that this includes the ability for someone to decide that within their relationship they do not have the right to just up and leave at any time despite what the law says. I do not see this as any different from people deciding that engaging in bondage and sadomasochistic play is okay despite the laws that say these activities are illegal. The statement was made that no one really believes they can't just up and leave and this is where I was stupid. I replied that human beings can convince themselves of anything if they want to and because of this ability they can convince themselves that they no longer have the right to just walk out.

Of course the responses I got were ones I expected, but they do still annoy me. The responses were:

Those who believe this are living in a fantasy world
Those who believe this have little to no real life experience
Those who believe this are abused or setting themselves up to be abused
Those who say things like this are online only.

These particular responses arise frequently on many different topics. The problem is what I said is true. Human beings can convince themselves of anything if they want to. If a person tells himself over and over that they are a bad person, they will eventually believe it no matter how much proof there is to the contrary. I stated that these responses are very judgmental specially when coupled with an expressed desire that anyone who says something like I did should be shaken and set straight.

Anyway, in my relationship I gave up the right to just walk out at any time. Master stated that he preferred a "grace period" (so to speak). If I ever feel like I want to end the relationship I have to give him 90 days to try and work things out before I leave. If, after the 90 days are up, I still feel that the only option is to end the relationship then I will be released and free to leave. Because of this I can honestly say that I do not have the right to just up and walk out at any time. Legally I can do so and I know that, but my emotions do not believe it. I am bound by the vow I made when I submitted to his desires in this area and this overrides the law in my eyes (same as our many reasons for engaging in s/m activities). This is not fantasy, it is my life. This was done for a few reasons

we believe that people see relationships as disposable and leave too easily sometimes (not always so don't inundate me with hate mail)
we made a commitment to each other and any decision to end the relationship should not be made during a time of emotional upheaval
we have children and our separating affects them also and this has to be taken into consideration

There are other reasons but they are more personal and I do not feel comfortable sharing them here but the three I have shared are more than enough in my opinion to explain why I felt comfortable submitting to that particular desire. Just because a person knows something intellectually does not mean their emotions agree with it nor does it mean that they have to behave that way if they do not believe it is right for them.

To me, part of being a slave means I give everything to my owner; my body, my belongings, and my rights. This is not a decision that anyone should ever make lightly and it is not one I made lightly. I was not forced to do this but this is just what works for me. Had I withheld things from the control of my master I would not, in my own opinion, be a slave; I would be a submissive. I have tried living as a submissive and keeping certain areas “off limits” to the control of my dominant, it does not work for me. What does work is giving it all to my owner and living by his rules, guidelines, expectations, orders etc. If he, in turn, decides that certain areas are mine to handle then I handle them, but he still has final say and can change things around or override a decision I have made. He wanted that 90 day caveat. His reasoning for it made good sense to me and I agreed with his reasoning, thus I felt comfortable submitting in this area as well.

What it seems people do not understand on mailing lists is that when someone says something like I did today that it is not always spoken by a novice who has learned about bdsm mostly online. They don’t seem to take into consideration what they know of the person who posted the statement. I have posted many times and in many forums how careful I was before submitting to the depth that I wanted to and being collared as a slave. I weighed everything carefully before deciding that I could submit this way to this man and I am not alone. There are many people out there, involved in m/s relationships, who were just as careful in their submission. I can understand people being skeptical and wanting to help a novice learn, but when a statement like the one I made is made by someone who is not a novice it should not receive the response it did.

Well that’s it for today.

Things I am thankful for: my children, my master, lower pain level

Collars

2008-02-01T05:44:00.000-06:00

A while back the silver necklace that serves as my day to day collar got broken so I was without it for a while. The other day master fixed it and had me kneel before him to place it on my neck once more. Since then I've felt odd. Not bad or anything, just odd. It has made me wonder if having that physical presence on my neck makes more of a difference to me than I realized. I had always thought that my feelings of submission and being owned would exist just as strong whether I had the collar on or not. I was apparently wrong. I had not realized how much I missed wearing the collar until Master put it back on. I remember missing it a great deal at first, but part of it was caused by my own guilt as it was I who broke it and Master said I had to earn it back, which I am glad to say that I did manage to do. But since he put it back on I feel it constantly and my submissive feelings and the feeling of being owned have either become a bit stronger or are just being noticed more often because the collar is a reminder.

I had not realized how "off" I felt without the collar. I guess I just did not realize how much the collar affected me and how important it is to me. I get the same "something is missing" feeling if I remove my wedding ring for any reason. Having the collar back on my neck makes me feel complete again, less "lost". I know this isn't making much sense, but these thoughts have been floating around in my mind for the last few days so I figured I would go ahead and ramble to see if I couldn't figure out why the thoughts keep popping up. My guess is that they keep popping up because I was not expecting such a difference in how I feel. I feel closer to Master, quieter inside, happier, and more balanced.

Is it a bad thing that a material posession apparently matters that much? My feelings of love, devotion, etc to Master have not changed, I just notice them more often. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the millions of things one has to do on a daily basis and not notice one's emotions. Having the collar on my neck, feeling it, causes my mind to stop and notice how I *feel* more often. I like that a lot. I think it is important for people to stop and pay attention to how they feel, specially about their family and friends. People tend to get so busy that they don't allow themselves to truly think about and feel the connections they have for others. For me, the collar helps me to keep from taking my Master and our relationship for granted. It helps me stay in contact with my submissiveness, my desire to please and how much master means to me. I'm not saying that I stopped feeling those things without the collar on my neck because I did not stop feeling them, it was just easier to forget to stop and let myself just think about our relationship (or think about him) and just feel. If the collar helps me to do that more often then I do not see that as a bad thing or as being materialistic. I guess it is just sentimental.

I do not ever want to be without my collar again, same as I never want to be without my wedding ring. I am very grateful that master chose to keep me (and give the collar back eventually) rather than just outright release me as his slave for what I did. I am pretty sure that it is a mistake I will not make again so long as I remember the differences in how I feel now with the collar on and how I felt for the past 8 months or so without it. If the lesson master wanted to teach me had anything to do with realizing the importance of the collar then he suceeded. There are other things I learned as well, but I do keep some things off the internet. LOL

Communication On Lists and My Day

2007-04-05T19:41:00.001-05:00

Old Hats and Novices

I brought up the topic of old hats and how they are perceived on my discussion lists because I thought it would make an interesting topic. I was also hoping to see some new faces posting, giving their ideas and opinions on how they read the posts that are put up by old hats. Someone brought up a point I had not really thought of very much, but I have to admit that he has a good point and I have experienced similar many times online, just this time I’ve run into the idealists more frequently then the other. I figure its just a matter of time until I see the other side of the coin as well.

Anyway, he mentioned that he has seen many people who do post in a very bitter, cold hearted, derogatory, and condescending manner to the novices. Rather than admitting that ideals can be goals, something we strive for, and tempering that with some examples of how those ideals don’t always work too well, they just throw out the worst things they can think of or outright insult the one who is speaking in ideals. Such behavior will make it very difficult for novices to feel comfortable posting, asking questions, or to learn anything. It will make people defensive and dig in their heels.

I can understand why someone would become bitter and cold if life has been very difficult for them. But I can’t help wondering why they would then want to participate in a discussion list where the idea is to learn from one another, share ideas and opinions and things like that. For me, when bitterness was something I felt frequently, I was not very open to new ideas and someone speaking in flowery romanticized language just annoyed the heck out of me. I stopped participating in discussion lists because I knew I could not really discuss anything and I was far from open to new ideas or ways of looking at things. What would be the point to be constantly tossing out such bitterness onto a discussion list? To use the really bad experiences one went through as proof that bdsm is a bad thing, or what?

He also mentioned that an argument that has popped up frequently on lists lately is the one over “whose relationship is more real?”. I have witnessed one such discussion of this topic since I started posting to lists again, and a few of the opinions expressed struck me as condescending, but the list was a moderated one so I am sure that some posts did not make it to the list, thus I don’t think I got a very good view of how this argument has been playing out. However, the bit I did see was what he said he has seen. People saying that only live-in 24/7 relationships are real and anything else is a fantasy. People saying that there is no way any power exchange relationship can be done in a long distance relationship or through a computer. Saying things like that defeats the whole purpose of discussion because it makes it very clear that the poster is not open to even considering that another option exists, or that maybe this does work for other people, and they certainly do not appear as if they truly want to try and learn more or understand the other point of view. I can see how such posting styles would very easily cause those who are focusing only on the ideals to hold onto those ideals ever tighter.

It seems sad to me that so many people believe saying things in a polite manner somehow removes the conviction from their opinion, thus they feel they are correct to speak as rudely as they want, or to be condescending. Saying something like “As I have no experience with online relationships, I have a hard time understanding how they could be as real as a relationship where the people live together.” Gets the point across without the direct insult of “online relationships are not real”. It is less combative and more open to real discussion of the topic and the possibility of learning how someone else might believe an online relationship is real.

All of us can only really speak from our experiences, to what works for us and how we came to those conclusions. Sure we can give options of other ways of doing things, but we can’t speak to those things from experience. If the whole point is discussion and learning from one another, then speaking in a way that encourages discussion rather than shuts it down completely would make more logical sense to me.

Wow, blogging two days in a row..it’s a miracle! LOL Today was a good day for me, my pain level is in better control thanks to another series of injections to the disks and the joint, though today I have that “its going to rain” ache going on it is not as bad as it was before the shots. This makes me very happy!! As usual I got an email from master giving me the tasks he wanted me to do in addition to my usual daily activities. He wanted me to clean the bedroom today, which I did. I’ve managed to keep up with the laundry, keep the boy child’s school work going, play games with the boy child, talk with the girl children, cook dinner, post to a few lists, and get everything done I was supposed to do today. I feel real good about it and when master got home he walked into the bedroom and just started smiling, which made me feel even better! Today has been a good day. :)

raven{Az}

Cold and Abrasive??

2007-04-04T21:13:00.001-05:00

I read another slave’s blog today, mostly because we are basically engaged in a silent debate on the differences between showing realities of 24/7 live-in m/s and the flowery romanticized ideals used as expectations for a live in relationship. I say silent because that debate is occurring without much real input to each other, just in denied posts to a list and blog entries like the one I read.

The first thing she asked was is the fruit of slavery bitter or sweet. The realistic answer is that it is both. There will be many sweet things as a result of one’s slavery, and there will be some bitter things, some anger inducing things, some hurtful things…in short, there will be things that can be described by any emotional state that a person can name. There is joy, happiness, satisfaction, fear, anger, resentment, relief, love, caring, romance, hurt, depression, disappointment etc. Why? Because we are at base human beings. We are not, by virtue of our personalities as a dominant or submissive/slave somehow lifted above and better than other human beings. We are still prone to the same fallacies of every other human being, and our relationships are still prone to the same pitfalls, joys, and everything else a non-TPE relationship is prone to endure. So the answer, in my opinion, is slavery has a bit of both bitterness and sweetness and we will not always be able to choose which one occurs on any given day.
This blog went on to say that experienced slaves often speak "harshly", "abrasively" and with "rough edges", that we come across as cold, bitter and cruel. I think this can be accurate for some people, but in my experience this has never been the majority of experienced people. In my experience, the ones who make this accusation the most are the ones who are dead set on believing the ideals to be the reality and they will fight tooth and nail to keep anyone from injecting a bit of reality into their fantasy. Often these same people are the ones who have extremely high expectations of an m/s relationship because they have yet to actually live in one on a daily basis and in the same house as their owner. Instead they follow a set of guidelines/rules that govern their daily behavior, but still make most of their own decisions and their experience with live-in m/s occurs on an occasional basis. In my experience it has been very easy to maintain that wonderfully romantic "shining slave light" for a weekend, yet much more difficult to remain always joyful, at peace, content and enraptured of service on a daily basis.
This also made me wonder, how much of that harsh abrasiveness is being read into the words being read by the reader and not actually intended by the author? Mailing lists are text only formats and unless you are reading the words of someone you have spoken with many times in real life and know very well, what you read is heavily influenced by your current mood, your defenses, biases and what have you. If the topic at hand is one that somehow makes you feel vulnerable or threatened, then you will very easily infer an attack of some sort, sarcasm, or outright cruelty in the words even when the words do not support that view in any way. If you are one who prefers to focus solely on the perfect things in life, then anything that is not in keeping with that flowery way of writing or thinking will be seen as cold and abrasive, no matter how politely it is worded. In a text only environment, one has a great deal of leeway with how one interprets what they are reading. The best way I have found in my 10 years on mailing lists is to always infer a monotone to what I am reading, by doing so I reduce any knee jerk reactions on my part that may not be based on truth, but instead based on my own interpretation that is heavily influenced by my mood and biases. This is very hard to do, and I freely admit that I do not always succeed at it, but I try hard anyway.
The argument was made that being a slave has caused this person to grow in gentleness, yielding, understanding and other such commendable attributes. This growth has been attributed to the owner and the basic relationship of m/s; to being a slave. This personally I can agree with; that such growth is not only possible, but that many slaves can and will say similar things, with the ones who have done this the longest having the longest list of positive changes within their personalities, attitudes and behaviors. Part of the whole goal of any power exchange relationship (or any vanilla relationship for that matter) is the growth of the participants, both as individuals and as a couple. So such growth should and does occur.
The statement was made that the longer one is a slave the softer they become, that they desire to speak solely in gracious words that are nurturing to the soul, rather than combative and cold. This is a commendable goal. However, it all depends on what one defines as combative and cold. Stating "I do not agree with this ideal because…" is not combative, it is an attempt at explaining one’s opinion and the reasons for it. Interestingly enough, everytime someone uses that phrase they are accused of being combative or attacking another, of being cold. So what should really have been said is that this person prefers solely to focus on only the good and positive things and not the bad; to be an optimist and anyone who does not do this will be summarily dismissed as cold and embittered. That is fine by me, but it does not work for everyone and when one has placed onself in the position of teaching others about slavery, stating positive things as the truth for every minute of every day, sets the novice up to fail.
Honestly, I think that deciding that those who speak of realities are nothing more than embittered, resentful cold people is no more than an attempt to deny the harsher aspects of this lifestyle and relationship choice, in order to keep ones dreams alive. This is something I have seen time and time again in my years of talking with and spending time with others in the lifestyle. It is most common in those who have had rough times in the vanilla world and begin to see bdsm as a solution to all vanilla relationship issues. Time and time again I have watched, counseled, supported, comforted and all of that these same people when their relationship failed because of these very same unrealistic expectations and focus on romanticized ideals. It is my experiences doing this myself, and assisting others in dealing with the aftermath that has cemented my belief that one needs to talk about both sides of the coin when in a position of teaching a novice; meaning, speak of both the good and the bad. That one has to discuss the realities with any potential partner, not just the bdsm stuff, but in all aspects of life. This is not being cold, this is being realistic and time and time again I have seen that relationships based on realistic expectations last longer and are more satisfying to those involved than those based solely on fantasy.
The following questions were asked: "Do slaves who have been slaves and lived as slaves for many years begin to resent it?" the answer to this one, in my experience is that yes this does occur for some people. In my experiences, the vast majority of the ones who end up resenting it are the ones who went into it with rose colored glasses and found out the hard way that all is not romance, flowers and joy on a daily basis. The ones who do not resent their slavery, are most often the ones who learned their lesson about being too romanticized the hard way so went into their next relationship with more realistic expectations, thus they are better equipped to deal with the day to day realities and find true satisfaction for themselves. In such cases, resentment is not an end result, instead the end results are much more positive and uplifting.
The comment was made that maybe us embittered, cold, resentful long time slaves could learn to rekindle the joy in our slavery from witnessing the joy of another slave. I can buy this because everyone can learn from someone else, and everyone can have old feelings rekindled in unexpected ways and from unexpected sources or have something wake them to something they are taking for granted. However, I find it very difficult to swallow that I should have my poor cold embittered soul rekindled by the subbie fever joy of someone who has yet to truly live this lifestyle in the same house as their owner for more than an occasional weekend or evening event here and there.
Sure, I had the same wonderful ideals, stars in my eyes when my owner and I were long distance and only saw each other once in a while. Submitting joyfully was easy on those occasional weekends together, and this only made me believe that it would be that easy all the time when we finally lived together. I too did not want to listen to others who tried to warn me that this is not how the reality is. It was this very overly romanticized rose colored glasses view that assisted in getting myself into an extremely abusive relationship under the guise of master/slave with someone else.
I truly believed there would never be disagreements because all that was settled easily by the power structure. False. I truly believed that I would never feel any resentment, anger, lonliness or hurt..that I would feel nothing but joy in every service I did every single day. False. Reality slapped me and slapped me hard. I spent a long time believing that I was a complete failure as a slave because I could not maintain that wonderful "shining light of slavery" every single day, no matter what was thrown at me. It took me years to realize that I had not failed because I had done everything asked of me, no matter how impossible it was and in the process completely destroyed myself to try and make someone else happy. Why? To attain that ideal of the perfect, never conflicting, joyful shining slavery of the "real slaves" who constantly spouted all those wonderful tidbits of advice.." a real slave never" " a true slave always" and all that crap. I bought it, and I paid a high price for it and I am not alone. A lot of people fell for that stuff and paid a high price for it. It is the entire reason that people started writing about the phenomenon termed subbie fever and other similar terms. It is the desire to try and prevent a novice from making that same mistake, and possibly paying a huge price for that mistake, that prompts many of us long time slaves to speak on the realities over and over. This is far from cold and combative. In fact it seems to me that this stems solely from a compassion for others and a true desire to teach and help others. Cold and combative? Nope.
I will say that despite the many negative and hurtful outcomes of that one relationship, I learned my lesson. It made me more careful before submitting as a slave again. It made me keep one eye on the reality, and make sure that my expectations were attainable. I eventually regained my dreams and my ideals, my joy and all that, but it was finally tempered with experience and rooted in reality not fantasy. I believe that this very ability on both mine and my owner’s part to accept the realities of life and relationships that has made it possible for us to have the strong, loving, committed relationship we still have 7 years later.
Lastly a comment was made, paraphrased, which basically said that slavery is both good and bad, has its good points and bad points etc. This I can agree with wholeheartedly. My whole problem with this particular topic was not speaking of the ideals themselves, it was completely dismissing the realities as being of no value, combative, cold or embittered in order to focus only on the sweet, lovey dovey stuff instead. Both should be presented in order to provide a truly balanced view of slavery within a TPE relationship. To focus solely on one part or the other is to be unfair and unbalanced. One leads to unrealistic expectations, the other to indifference and despair. However, by focusing solely on the good stuff and negating or outright denying any of the bad, mundane, boring or whatever stuff, you force the experienced into a corner where all they can add to the conversation is the stuff that was left out. This basically manipulates them into looking cold and embittered, and thus easily dismissed in one’s rose-colored view. I wonder, is that why people do that? To set the experienced up to look bad and thus easier to ignore so one can continue to focus on the "slavery makes life perfect!!" ideal? Hmm..interesting and rather disturbing idea. I would not be surprised if that is exactly why some people insist on focusing solely on ideals that can not be attained, and romanticized versions of daily m/s life. That’s sad, but a fairly intelligent use of manipulation in order to maintain one’s denial mechanisms.

I did post a comment to the original blog that inspired this entry in my blog, in case it is deleted, I am including it in its’ entirety here.
---my comment----
Speaking about the realities of living an m/s relationship on a daily basis does not mean one is full of resentment or bitterness, it means one realizes that going into such a relationship with an unrealistic expectation that slavery is easy, that a slave must be joyful and happy at all times and other ideals, sets the slave up for some serious hurt and we try to prevent that from occuring by giving our experiences for review.
Bitterness would be saying "being a slave is the worst thing I ever did!" not saying "being a slave on a live-in basis is very hard day to day".
Is there joy in serving for many years? yes there is. Do many slaves find themselves becoming gentler as time goes on? yes they do. But that does not negate the truth of speaking from experience and reality vs. speaking solely in romantic ideals.
Though I suppose deciding that anyone who does not speak in such romantic ideals as being the one true way is a bitter resentful person, is a good way of not having to face the idea that maybe live in 24/7 m/s TPE is not as easy as it is for a weekend once in a while.
As for learning from each other, I know many people who are very open to learning from each other. I for one have no problem being reminded of the joy, pleasure and love in my relationship from someone else, or an unexpected source. However, being able to express that joy and love, does not negate the realities. It is my opinion that on mailing lists and such where the stated goal is to teach others and grow, ignoring the basic reality facts does not meet with that goal.
My Owner and I have a very close, loving relationship in which we are very aware of the joys of being together. However, we are also very aware of the realities of human interaction and it is that very reality base that has allowed our relationship to last the 7 years that it has, while many relationships of people we know that were based solely on those romantic ideals, failed miserably with great pain, self confusion, self-recrimination for the slave involved because they believed the ideal to be true every minute of every day, and when it wasn’t, they believed that by being human they failed and were not a "real slave" because they did have days where they were annoyed, they did occasionally question a rule or order, they did have thoughts of hesitation etc. I do not believe that hiding the fact of our very basic humanity under jargon does anyone a service or teaches them anything but good denial techniques.

Back On The Internet

2007-04-04T12:54:00.001-05:00

Well..a few months back I was able to resurrect a very important friendship to me. In so doing I started participating more on my discussion lists sub_den and Dom_sub on yahoogroups. I also joined a few other lists that my friend suggested. For the first time in 7 years I have been able to post as freely as I used to, without losing my train of thought under a sense of fear or anything else. It felt great. I enjoyed participating again, and was not only willing but able to contribute my thoughts, experiences and feelings like I did before.

However, I was expecting mailing lists to be similar to what they were a few years ago. I did expect variations upon rules with each list, that is perfectly normal. What I did not expect was to find that the very rules that have governed acceptable posts to a mailing list, no longer did. I put forth great effort to not attack a person and to word things solely to the idea presented. It is very rare that I fail. I created a post to a list and here it is (removed the words that were not mine )

I changed the topic from an introduction to "No Hesitation or Reservation", the ideal I was speaking to.

This is an ideal I have seen many many times. By this ideal anyone who second guesses their owner, has any reservation whatsoever about an order or rule, is not a slave. This could not be further from the truth in my experience. In reality there are going to be times where the slave has reservations or hesitation or outright disagrees with their owner. Some times those reactions on the part of the slave will be there for very good reason, and sometimes they won't..but they will occur.

This ideal ignores one basic truth of m/s, we are still human. Being a slave does not render us incapable of thinking for ourselves, forming our own opinions or having our own ideas of what is correct in a given situation and what is not. Being an owner of a slave does not somehow miraculously remove human fallibility, failings, or the very human ability of making a bad choice. To expect that an m/s relationship somehow elevates a dominant to the status of omniscient and omnipresent is to set oneself up for some major hurt. To expect that an m/s relationship will somehow make one less prone to be annoyed by stuff that has always annoyed them, is to set an unrealistic expectation that can't be met. An owner is very capable of making a bad decision, or making a decision without having all the facts. Each of us has our strong points and our faults, being involved in m/s does not somehow erase those faults.

If having someone leave wet towels on the bathroom floor after a shower annoys you, then it will still annoy you as a slave. It may take a little longer to annoy you, being able to appease it with "serving him/her" statements, but eventually the day will come where bending over to pick up that towel causes the same angry thoughts it used to cause. Being involved in an m/s relationship does not somehow miraculously make our pet peeves stop being pet peeves. Having those reactions does not make one less of a slave or not a slave at all, it makes them human.

In many cases, and in many situations, a slave will serve and obey without hesitation or reservation. However, having the level of trust that this requires takes time to develop. It takes alot of time. But, it does not mean that there will never be a situation where hesitation or reservation occurs.

raven{Az}

This email was not approved by the list owner. I was told that she felt it ws attacking a person because I left the quote that prompted my thoughts at the top of my post. I was told that if I remove the quote and create a new subject, the post would be approved. Well, I had already created a new subject by changing the subject line of the email to the topic at hand, so I left that mostly the same adding only the word Ideals. I edite the post to read as below:

I have read almost every email that has gone through this list since I joined it a few weeks ago. I have repeatedly seen the same judgemental rhetoric spouted many times, judgemental in that it states "only such and such is a true slave". These ideals, while romantic and really sweet and something many of us strive to achieve, lack a realistic base and in fact can set up someone who is new to the lifetsyle to have expectations that are not realistic and thus they get hurt (be it physically or emotionally). Some of those ideals are things such as a slave should obey without any hesitation and or reservations at all.

This is an ideal I have seen many many times. By this ideal anyone who second guesses their owner, has any reservation whatsoever about an order or rule, is not a slave. This could not be further from the truth in my experience. In reality there are going to be times where the slave has reservations or hesitation or outright disagrees with their owner. Some times those reactions on the part of the slave will be there for very good reason, and sometimes they won't..but they will occur.

This ideal ignores one basic truth of m/s, we are still human. Being a slave does not render us incapable of thinking for ourselves, forming our own opinions or having our own ideas of what is correct in a given situation and what is not. Being an owner of a slave does not somehow miraculously remove human fallibility, failings, or the very human ability of making a bad choice. To expect that an m/s relationship somehow elevates a dominant to the status of omniscient and omnipresent is to set oneself up for some major hurt. To expect that an m/s relationship will somehow make one less prone to be annoyed by stuff that has always annoyed them, is to set an unrealistic expectation that can't be met. An owner is very capable of making a bad decision, or making a decision without having all the facts. Each of us has our strong points and our faults, being involved in m/s does not somehow erase those faults.

If having someone leave wet towels on the bathroom floor after a shower annoys you, then it will still annoy you as a slave. It may take a little longer to annoy you, being able to appease it with "serving him/her" statements, but eventually the day will come where bending over to pick up that towel causes the same angry thoughts it used to cause. Being involved in an m/s relationship does not somehow miraculously make our pet peeves stop being pet peeves. Having those reactions does not make one less of a slave or not a slave at all, it makes them human.

In many cases, and in many situations, a slave will serve and obey without hesitation or reservation. However, having the level of trust that this requires takes time to develop. It takes alot of time. But, it does not mean that there will never be a situation where hesitation or reservation occurs.

raven{Az}

Basically I had reached my tolerance limit for overly romanticized flowery ideals that have little to no basis in day to day reality, and was tired of the judgemental nature in which those ideals had been stated. Many many times the words "A true slave " or "A real slave " were stated as the one true way. The problem is many of those ideals, while great to strive for, are not something people can achieve every single moment of every single day. To ignore that fact, the basic humanity of slaves, is to set a novice up for some serious self-doubt, recrimination, self resentment and other major issues by leading them to believe that if they ever hesitate, have a reservation, question, get upsert or in any other way behave as a human being then they are not a slave.

These are ideals I have seen spouted many many times, most frequently and vehemently by someone who does not actually live within an m/s relationship as their partner does not live with them, the times spent together vary from weekly, to yearly. It is alot easier to maintain that flowery ideal of perfect submission for a few short hours once in a while, than it is to maintain it every single day under every condition life throws at us.

I have seen far too many wonderful people torture themselves because they did not live up to the ideal that was shoved down their throats as "proper slavery" by some part time slave. I have seen whole relationships crumble because the slave's self doubt became so strong that it was self-defeating and self-destructive.

Years ago when people spouting this rhetoric showed up on mailing lists, they were quickly culled out and people recognized them for what they were. But now, it seems they have their groupies who see them as the epitomy of perfect submission and slavery. It amazes me how much time is spent on those lists patting the "owner" on the back for being such a wonderful slave as well. I realize that any person can find a group of people to follow them and believe in them, and I realize this was bound to happen, but it still annoys the hell out of me. And I don't have to be all "list pc" on my blog.

I know I could leave those lists also, but for now I feel staying does the others on the list better than my leaving because I can offer them a more realistic view of slavery. Romance and ideals have their place, but when one puts forth that their intention is to teach about the lifestyle, then that intention requires that they teach the truth, the reality..not just the romanticized ideals.

raven{Az}

Written Journal: 8-31: punishment, discipline, tighter rules and feelings

2005-09-12T00:41:00.000-05:00

August 31, 2005 at 12:19AM (technically, Thurs. Sept. 1)

I got in trouble today for not doing the checkbook and skipped journal entries. I confessed to Master because I am supposed to, which is something I have a hard time doing. He gave me credit for confessing and lightened the punishment a little bit. Which, considering what it ended up being and how it was done, I am even more grateful than I would have been otherwise. He started with a hard hand spanking and then cane strokes. With my butt, it hurts more to get a caning over an already reddened butt. I am glad to have the punishment over with. Its the first one sinec he tightened up on the rules. I had been severely dreading the first one. Knowing that I had screwed up but didn't have the guts to tell him yesterday was driving me crazy. I felt so guilty, even worse than the guilt was the hurt I felt because I knew I had displeased him. In any situation that is the worst of it for me. The punishment itself does not come close to the pain I feel knowing I let him down and he is displeased. Though, for me as for many slaves, the punishment itself becomes a purging process. It pays off the guilt and hurt. It lets me forgive myself more readily than I could without it. Leaving the trap of guilt and pain makes it possible, much faster, for me to learn from my mistake and reach the point where I feel a strong need to do better from then on, rather than wallow in guilt and beat myself up for days on end.

I was talking to Master about the rules and his stricter discipline. He said that he likes it but that he thinks he will like it better if he is even stricter. But he doesn't want to talk about what changes he is considering until next week. This, of course, raises my curiosity. I'm not sure what areas he wants to tighten up on, but I will find out in a week. I will do my best to try and please him and meet his expectations as best as I can.

I was reading quotes from the gor books the last couple of days. I found myself very surprised by how accurate some of them are! A few years ago when I read them I could understand them logically and how they could be accurate. But now? I not only understand them logically, I understand them emotionally and many of them are very accurate for how I feel as Master's slave. My submission is a great deal deeper because I love Him. The two feed each other now. His use of my submission makes me love him even more and that deeper love makes me want to serve, give and be more for him and then when he takes that more and uses it it goes round and round. I can see now how some slaves can honestly say and believe that their owner can do anything to them or with them and leaving just is not an option. That love --->submission --->dominance --->love cycle can and will cause exactly those thoughts and beliefs. It scares me a little to think (heck, to KNOW) that I will eventually get to that point myself. But even more, it thrills me, excites me and ignites my belly (to use the gorean phrase for it LOL). And yes, the gor books use of a slave's belly is accurate also (in my experience anyway) because the physical sensations that accompany the emotions of submission and the need to serve and please are centered in the belly and it feels real real good!

Good night!

Merging Written Journal With Online One

2005-09-12T00:34:00.001-05:00

I have decided that this bog would better show the realities of my life as a slave on a day to day basis if I started posting the entries I make in my written journal as well. Sometimes due to my pain level it is too uncomfortable to sit here and type things in. Other times I do not have access to a computer because Master or one of the children are using them. Other times I just enjoy the physical action of writing. Other times I am stuck in bed and can't sit at the computer. During those times I use my written journal rather than this blog, which is partly why there are days or whole weeks without an entry in the blog. I do not always write every single day, but I do tend to write more manually than I do in here. So my next few entries in here will have dates written at the top beacuse they are from my written journal. I will of course change some content for privacy, or leave some things out all together for my protection or that of my children.

Conflicting Emotions

2005-08-31T21:23:00.001-05:00

I tend to be a very capable and independent person. When I am in the process of taking care of something, I go ahead and deal with any snags that pop up during the process. However, there is a line between taking care of business and stepping on Master's toes and taking care of what should be his business. I do a lot better at not crossing that line than I ever used to, but sometimes it is very very hard. It causes emotional conflict and sometimes I get mad. It becomes a conflict between what I know I am capable of doing, and what I know I am allowed (or not allowed) to do. In my relationship there are very few areas where Master does not allow me to go ahead and do whatever I am capable of doing, to his expectations of the outcome. So such conflicts are rare. Heck, conflict between him and I is very rare anyway, which is one of the things I love most about our relationship. Anyway, back to my topic. I was thinking about this kind of internal conflict today, partly because of a few posts I read on an email discussion list and partly because I read back in my written journals and it brought the topic to mind.

This is an internal conflict that is both mental and emotional and affects every slave, submissive and bottom at some point in real life. It can also occur in online relationships, but it is more common in real life. Real life doesn't have a backspace key and we tend to be stuck with whatever pops out of our mouths. Submission, of any level/intensity, is a difficult thing at times to do. For me these conflicts happen when I get stuck being in "capable do everything Mom" mode all day long. I tend to not realize I am doing it and don't transition back to slave fast enough and boom, a conflict arises when Master orders me to do something or orders me to let him handle something. I'll be going along through my day balancing the checkbook, shopping, solving problems the kids have, cleaning, handling insurance things and whatever else comes up and my brain gets into "taking care of business" mode. Then Master comes home and says "I'll handle that, you've done enough" and it feels like I'm about to choke. My mind freezes and I stand there shocked. Then I start having the conflict, my mind says "I CAN do that!" and my heart says "its up to him" and my mind argues "yeah but *I* Can do that! I'm not stupid!" and on and on it goes. I end up having to take a few deep breaths and a few minutes to consciously make the switch from "do it all" mode to submissive mode.

Some people like to say that a submissive or slave should ALWAYS feel submissive and if they don't they are not true submissives or slaves. This is just so not true. I am a human being, and no mood or feeling is constant, there all the time without any variation or change no matter the situation. Feeling submissive is the same. I have noticed that as time goes on, making the transition is easier and the conflicts arise less and less often and are less intense. I know part of that is because I have pretty much healed from the stuff in Arizona and part of it is due to the stability and trust in my relationship. The more time we are together, the more consistent and stable things become and I really like that.

Well I'm going to go chat for a while since I haven't really chatted all day.

Meeting Expectations

2005-08-06T16:59:00.000-05:00

I've been trying very hard to meet Master's newer expectations of me. He changed the time he wants dinner on the table to 5:30 instead of 6 and I've been doing that. Also, the house has been cleaner, which he really enjoys and I've been keeping up with the laundry. So he's been real happy with me. These things may not seem like a big deal to other people, but considering the way my health has been, they are big things to us and to me. I live with chronic pain. The easiest way to explain it is that I have a compound fracture of the left sacroiliac joint, two blown discs and nerve damage in my lower back, pelvis and left leg. So for me, walking around a lot and cleaning are not easy activities. I've spent a great deal of time off my feet in the last few years due to inadequate pain control. With a new doctor came better pain control and with the addition of a second car I am able to move around more and get more things done. This does increase my pain level, but I've noticed that as I get stronger, the pain level lessens. So for me, being able to do more makes me feel real good. Being able to finally keep the house the way I know Master prefers it, also makes me feel real good. The best thing is seeing the smile in Master's eyes, not just because the house is more to his liking, but because he is happy to see me moving around more and having decent control of my pain.

So many people assume that a m/s relationship means the dominant doesn't care much about the slave, only what the slave can do for them. In my experiences this is not true. In my relationship Master cares quite a bit about my health and well being, even more than the condition of the house. I like that we care about each other so much. For me, it increases my desire to please him, to make him happy.

Serving Master

2005-08-05T00:13:00.001-05:00

Master mentioned a while back that he would like to see me wearing silks, similar to those described in the gor books by John Norman. There are many different descriptions of silks, but the one he seems to like the best is the one that is similar to a short toga tied at one shoulder. We are planning a get together with some friends from online for this October. Master has stated he wants me wearing silks and serving the dominants at this get together. So today I looked through the Halloween costume patterns at wal mart. I found one that I thought would work so I bought it along with some very pretty red satin fabric. One is a plain red satin and the other is similar to the embroidered satin one sees kimonos made out of. I figured two sets would be a good idea since I'll most likely be kneeling or sitting on the floor. Master also wants me to get some actual silk or a similar material for a third set, only he wants that set to be more see through. The sheer set may or may not be used in October, but will definately be used between the two of us. The idea of wearing silks in front of others sort of scares me. Not so much for Master James as I have already met him a few times in real life, but for Master Fire-Soul since this will be our first meeting. But I am also excited by the idea. Being able to actually serve, in real life, is something I have wanted to do for a long time. Due to the fact that we have children, serving in that manner is a very rare occurance around here. It just doesn't work very well to be scantily clad and kneeling with my legs spread in front of the kids. Somehow I don't think they'd appreciate it very much LOL

Anyway this has brought to mind the whole serving aspect of m/s relationships. Many people ask me "What is service?". The simple answer to that is: anything you do with the intention or for the express purpose of pleasing your dominant is service. Some see only tasks given them directly by their dominant as service. Others see only those things that the submissive or slave comes up with on their own (based on their observations of their dominant's preferences) as service. However, it seems to me that service can't be so narrowly defined. In a master / slave relationship, the slave's every action is often done with the intent of pleasing their owner and/or making their owner's life easier. Having such an intention behind their actions makes them service based.

Service is defined as: (at www.dictionary.com)

The performance of work or duties for a superior or as a servant
Assistance; help
An act of assistance or benefit; a favor
The serving of food or the manner in which it is served
Copulation with a female animal. Used of male animals, especially studs

Serviced/servicing:

To make fit for use; adjust, repair, or maintain
To provide services to

Idioms:at (someone's) service
Ready to help or be of use.be of service
To be ready to help or be useful.

All of these definitions apply to a power exchange relationship that includes any acts by the submissive or slave that fit those definitions. These acts need not be directly ordered by the dominant, nor are they only those which the submissive or slave thinks of by them selves. They are any actions or behaviors undertaken by the submissive or slave that maintain, provide services to, are useful, or any of the above. They can include anything from wearing clothing the dominant prefers, cooking and serving a meal, cleaning the house, or engaging in sexual or s/m activities and anything in between.

Slaves tend to be very service based. The intention behind their submission is to serve someone. To be of use, assistance and value to their owner through their actions. The more pleased their owner is, the happier the slave is. For me, everything I do is with the intent of pleasing Master. I try to keep the house cleaned the way he likes it, because he is more comfortable with a clean house. I work hard to keep us on a budget because he likes it when the bills are paid on time and we aren't broke all the time. I prepare food that he enjoys, while keeping to his low cholesterol diet for his health. (which takes a bit of work since Master really loves red meat! LOL) I try to use language the way he prefers, and keep my tone of voice respectful and pleasant. I do my best to complete all the tasks he sets for me in a timely and accurate manner. I am happiest when he is satisfied and pleased. Some people see this as him taking advantage of me, but that is not true at all. The things I do, I do because I want to, because this is what works best for me and makes me happy. Even when I was in relationships that were not power exchanges (be it d/s or m/s), I still preferred to do things simply to please my partner. Not beacuse they demanded or expected it, but beacuse I liked making them happy.

Some people believe that a slave gets no return, or very little return, for all the things they do for their owner. This is just not true. The return is often mental and emotional in nature, but that by no means negates the return. In my relationship the return can also be physical or tangible, depending on what Master wants to do.

Ok I've rambled long enough and it is late. So I'm going to stop here. I just wanted to get some of my thoughts about service out. My mind has decided to work on an article about service and it was driving me crazy and keeping me from relaxing enough to sleep. So I figured I'd toss my thoughts out here until my mind calmed down. Hopefully I can make more sense of them tomorrow and actually work it into a full article for the site. Writing makes me very happy and Master takes a great deal of pride in my writings. He likes how writing makes me feel. He enjoys reading my writings whether they are lifestyle based, fictional, poems or just rambling thoughts that my mind tosses out. This blog and my written journal are ways for him to know what is going on inside me, as well as to learn about me and see how I've grown. I am happy to share these things with him, specially now that I do not fear doing so like I used to.

Good night. :)

Discussions & New Expectations

2005-08-04T00:03:00.000-05:00

Master and I talked the other night about how much we have both grown as separate people, as a slave and as a dominant (he grew as a dominant, not me LOL), as a couple and as a master/slave couple. Most of the time I greatly enjoy these conversations when they occur. It is nice to see how far we have come. It is also nice to discuss our goals and what areas we would like to change in present so we will meet those goals. Sometimes it is a goal he sets for me to reach, not a mutual goal. Other times there are mutual goals or one he sets for himself. We also talk about our past goals and whether we have reached them or not. If we haven't reached them, we talk about why we think that is and what we can do to reach it. These are the kinds of conversations that I believe every couple should have. I believe they are even more necessary for people in power exchange relationships.

Such discussions help each participant to see where they were, how far they've come, where they would like to go, and discover ways to get there. Such discussions help both a dominant and a submissive or a slave to see how their behaviors are working within the relationships and affecting their partner. Its a taking stock discussion. From time to time, it is good to take stock. In order to continue to grow people have to see where they've come from and recognize any growth they have already acheived. In a power exchange relationship this lets all participants see what is working, what isn't working and figure out ways to make things work or where to go next.

Master and I are quite pleased with the progress we have made. Master is very proud of how much progress I have made in dealing with my writing issues. So am I actually. It feels good to be able to write again, to enjoy it and to have that *need* to write come up again. I did not realize how much I missed it until I felt it again. It was kind of weird actually. Like part of me had returned from vacation or something. Part of who and what I am is an author. Losing that part of myself changed so many things and I had not realized it. I stopped thinking as much as I used to. I stopped analysing myself and the lifestyle as deeply as I used to. I stopped seeking to understand others as intensely as I used to. All things that I enjoyed a great deal, and all things that helped me to understand myself and others. It feels very good to have that coming back. I hope I never lose it again.

Out of our discussion came a few changes to Master's expectations of me. Now that my back has grown stronger and thus my tolerance for moving around and doing things more, Master has increased his prefences regarding how the house is kept, laundry and meal times.

I have not been feeling well the last couple of days. I think I have a stomach bug. I thought I could sit here for a bit and blog, but my tummy is not happy so I better go lay down. I'll try to finish tomorrow.

Jealousy In A Slave??? No Way!! (umm..reality bites but yes way!)

2005-07-28T22:05:00.000-05:00

The Green Eyed Monster. Jealousy. One of the misconceptions about slaves is that a true slave is never jealous because they are happy with whatever makes their owner happy even if that means a second slave or more. This is not true. In this day and age people are more aware of the baggage they carry around, more aware of their issues and emotional/mental scars. I think part of this is because these things are talked about more often and better known than they used to be. I also think part of this is because society has become a "victim mentality"..meaning, blame someone else for everything and no one takes responsibility for their own actions anymore. But that's a different topic. (and a sweeping generalization too..there are some who take responsibility, not everyone is blind to their responsibilities)

Jealousy however, is a very real emotion. It is most often caused by insecurities and fears. In this day and age there are many people in relationships that have insecurities and fears from prior relationships. For me, there are quite a few. Mostly they center around my being afraid that I am not good enough and will eventually be replaced. Partly due to my disability and how severely it affects my day to day life. Partly because I have been replaced a few times in the past. Once due to having had my ex-husband's child, and thus my body changed. Once due to life being too stressful and the guy just couldn't face me cuz I reminded him of that stress. Once due to my back and how it affected my life. So that has created issues. The first and last ones more than the second. I have worked very hard on resolving the issues and the low self esteem which accompanies them, but it has not been easy. I still occasionaly get twinges of jealousy and fear being replaced. Its not as intense as it used to be, but it is still there.

When this happens I feel very guilty, un-slave like even. I don't want to be jealous or fear being replaced or losing Master. But to hide those feelings and lie about them to him by denying they exist, would be even worse in my eyes. So I tell him about them when they occur, even though I worry that they will upset him, make him frustrated with me, or even make him keep some of his own thoughts or feelings to himself out of fear of upsetting me.

An incident occured last night that brought this up for me and I've spent most of today thinking about it off and on, examining my feelings and reactions. Overall I am very proud of myself and how I am handling it. A year ago this would have sparked off major self doubt, fears and depression. Two years ago, I probably would have withdrawn from Master and "licked my wounds" (which would have been self inflicted anyway, as they usually are.) But this time, I told him how I felt and I have not pulled away, nor have I fallen into constant "I must be doing something wrong" thoughts. I did get the spark of fear that I was not good enough for Master, and my mind used my disability and limitations as proof. But instead of letting that fester, I told Master that the feelings were there. He is a very understanding man and very very patient. I am very lucky to have him. (He doesn't like jealousy and such, but he does understand that with my history, some issues are going to be there and take time to heal.) So we talked about it and that talk made me feel better.

As usual such an incident prompted my mind to start working. I have found that the best way to prevent jealousy is to work on the underlying fears and insecurities. If a person has a strong self-esteem and is secure in themselves and their relationship, they are not as prone to feeling jealous. By working on the underlying self esteem issues and insecurities, one can strengthen their resistence to jealousy.

I have come a long way and this incident proves that to me, and for that I am both grateful and proud of myself. But I know I would not have come this far if it was not for Master's love, understanding, patience, and support.

Honor In Slaves and Slavery

2005-07-19T18:53:00.000-05:00

I was on IRC today and found myself involved in a discussion that pops up frequently in some gorean rooms. It was the old "slaves have no honor" discussion. I know that some people believe a slave has no honor of their own because a slave owns nothing, their Master/Mistress owns everything. Personally I do not agree with this.

Honor has been defined and redefined many times. When I use it, I mean it to say that an honorable person is one who is honest, trustworthy and reliable. Doing the right thing even when it goes against the crowd. Standing up for what one believes in. But not being arrogant or domineering.

I was trained that a slave's behavior reflects upon their owner at all times. Because of this, the slave carries part of their owner's honor with them. If the slave behaves in a pleasing and appropriate manner, this reflects well on his/her owner. If a slave behaves badly, this reflects badly on his/her owner. But beyond that, I think a slave has their own honor. In reality, slaves in m/s relationships are not raised to be slaves. So they do not have the cultural backing of a slave, and thus their mental state and their emotional states can conflict with their need to be a slave. a slave, in r/l, is also a human being and probably one that has their own interests, jobs and responsibilities. How the slave handles those areas of their life show whether or not the slave is honorable. The same qualities that define honor for a master or mistres, can be applied to a slave in r/l m/s. A slave needs to be trustworthy, honest, and reliable. They need to be able to do the right thing, even in the face of others who do not agree. They need to be able to stand up for what they believe in, what they want and need, so that they do not rush into collars and then regret them later. Honor is something I believe all human beings should have and it applies to both, dominants and subs/slaves.

Being a slave does not mean that I suddenly lack ethics or honor. I am still the same person I was before I became owned. I still have the same values regarding such things as telling the truth and fulfilling my responsibilities. If anything, my values have gotten stronger as now my behavior reflects not only on me, but on my Master as well. I take that very seriously. I know I am not perfect and I do make mistakes, but I try very hard not to make mistakes, specially in public, because I do not want to reflect badly on my Master. Such behavior fits clearly under the term "honor".

ok..lost my train of thought. I'm multi-tasking and I don't do that as well as I used to LOL

Master/slave relationships and the myths around them

2005-07-19T03:17:00.000-05:00

beca the slave said...
Great blog! i just started mine, would love to know what you think: http://becasstory.blogspot.com/
Thanks!
beca

I went to beca's blog and read it. She is also a slave in a master/slave relationship. Her blog is similar to mine in so much as she hopes it will help others understand m/s relationships. Thank you beca for sharing your blog with me, I greatly enjoyed it!! I pasted your comment into this post so that others will see your blog as well. I think its a great way to help people understand a master/slave relationship.

In reading beca's blog, I read the comments she has received. One of them included questions that are common myths that people are told and believe about slaves. Which got me to thinking about the article I wrote two weeks ago about such myths. So I decided it would be a good idea to post my articles in my blog, not just on the site. This way, those who read the blog, will see them. Specialy since I know that not everyone wants to be surfing through such a large web site. So here is that article.

Common Myths About BDSM Slaves and Slavery
Author: Raven Shadowborne © June 2005

This article is copyrighted to the stated author(s) and can not be reproduced, copied, reprinted, or posted without the consent of the author. It is used here with permission of the author..

Myths are often created by people who have one or two facts, or part of a fact, and then fill in the blanks themselves. Or myths are created as a source of amusement and entertainment by an author or reader. Myths can also be created simply by how a story changes when it is passed along verbally, as anyone who has ever played “post office” can attest to. Myths can also be created when one instance or experience becomes verbally generalized to make it apply to everyone.

Myths about bdsm are just as prevalent. The most common reason for a myth to form about bdsm is a lack of experience or knowledge on a specific topic. Rather than learning more before educating others, some people assume they know more than they do and inadvertently create a myth to fit or expand their knowledge. Others create myths to deter people from engaging in a bdsm activity that they find objectionable.

Many myths exist about slaves. Some of these myths are created due to fear, lack of knowledge or understanding, and in some cases as a deliberate choice to not learn the truth about slaves. People pass these myths along to others as factual information and perpetuate the cycle of intolerance and ignorance that surrounds slaves and slavery. This creates more myths, misunderstandings and miscommunications as time goes on.

The most common myths about slaves, in master/slave based bdsm relationships, which I have heard, are included in this article and followed by the truth (as I understand it) behind each myth. These truths are based on my experiences as a slave, and on many discussions I have held with other slaves in order to learn more.

Myth 1: Slaves are doormats who obey everyone and blindly become whatever their owner tells them they are because they have no sense of self and no thoughts of their own.

Truth: Doormat is a term often used to deride slaves. It means that a slave lets himself or herself be walked on and they have no thoughts or opinions of their own. For the majority of slaves, this is not true. Slaves have just as many thoughts and opinions as other people do. Owners take pride in having a slave who has well thought out opinions and who is capable of thinking for them selves. They can provide the owner with much needed input that the owner can use to make informed decisions and choices for both the slave and the relationship. Also, slaves who can think for them selves are more capable of handling responsibilities the owner gives them without needing constant supervision and they provide intelligent and challenging conversations with the owner. Many master / slave relationships have rules that govern how and when a slave can tell their owner of their thoughts, feelings and opinions. Despite the variations in this area, every relationship requires such input from the slave. Owners often value a slave who thinks for themselves and find such a slave to be more pleasing.Obedience is a requirement for a slave and is pleasing to an owner. However it is not true that a slave will obey anyone that comes along. Slaves must obey the rules and expectations of their owner to the best of their abilities. Sometimes this means submitting to and obeying another, but such is always done by order of the owner and not every owner will share their slave this way.
Being a slave does not erase individuality. Instead, it enhances it. Often slaves who are unowned must hide or exert a lot of control over their submissive and service based nature. Society does not approve of people who are submissive or people who are happiest when they serve another before themselves. The very nature of a master / slave relationship allows a slave the freedom to express every part of their personality and hide nothing. It encourages the slave to grow as both an individual and a slave. Every slave is different; with different likes, dislikes, wants, needs etc. A slave must have a good working knowledge of who they are and what their wants, needs, expectations etc. are. It is impossible for a person who does not know who and what they are to give those things over to the control of another because you can not give away what you do not have or know. A slave and their owner use this self awareness to help the slave grow and to make changes in the slave’s behavior and mental state. Often these changes are discussed before the slave submits by the prospective owner telling the slave their expectations of the slave (including behaviors they want and those they do not want). This allows the slave to decide if this is how they want to be, the relationship they want to be in, and gives them a chance to consent. These changes are beneficial to the slave, helping them to be more of the person they want to be and to be more pleasing to their owner. Master / slave relationships require the same kinds of compatibility as vanilla relationships with the addition of bdsm compatibility. In order to achieve this, the slave must know themselves well and have a strong belief in them selves.

Myth 2: Slaves are actually abuse victims who take any and every thing their owner dishes out.

Truth: It is true that abuse exists. It is also true that abuse exists in bdsm. Further it is true that many slaves have been abuse victims at some point in their lives. It is NOT true however, that all slaves in master / slave relationships are current victims of abuse. There are many differences between an abusive relationship and an m/s one. As well as differences between a slave and a victim of abuse. The most important difference between a victim and a slave is CONSENT. In an abusive relationship, the victim is not informed beforehand that their partner is going to abuse them. They do not discuss what kinds of abuse will be used or anything else along those lines. Therefore the victim gives no consent to the actions of the abuser. For slaves there are discussions of what will be expected, what kinds (if any) of b/d or s/m activities might or will take place, what the rules will be, how the owner will enforce these rules and so much more. All of these discussions are designed to give the slave the information they need to make an informed choice to consent or not consent. These discussions are also intended to prevent abuse through consent, determining compatibility, determining goals, informing each participant of any issues that could effect the relationship and more. The whole point is to learn if a relationship between those specific people will be a healthy and fulfilling one for them.
It is true that once a collar is accepted a slave is then expected to accept whatever the owner chooses to do. However, this is directly impacted by the numerous discussions before the collar and the continued communication that takes place after the collar. In a dominant/submissive relationship, the submissive is allowed (and expected) to set limits on what the dominant can or can’t do. This is not true for most slaves. However, it is expected for the slave to inform their owner of any condition or situation that effects how they will receive and respond to the owner’s actions. But the final decision of what actions to take or not to take, is up to the owner. A slave should be sure they fully understand and can accept what the owner will (or might) do, and what the owner is capable of BEFORE a collar is placed. Any limits are set by the owner, so it is imperative that a slave submit to an owner whose limits closely (or exactly) match their own. In this way, the owner’s limits extend to the slave and the slave does not have to set the limits themselves (yes it is a tiny distinction, but an important one). Some m/s relationships use contracts to spell out what is expected by each person, what is or is not accepted and more. These contracts often include guidelines for the slave to follow if they want release or if the owner starts to do unsafe things. Some areas can be compromised on, if the owner is willing to do so. (Some owners are not willing to compromise.) Things like clothing choices, toy preferences, types of play that need to be worked up to/introduced slowly and similar things can be compromised on. Other things such as sexual preferences, monogamy, polygamy and anything else that is a true NEED for the person, should not be compromised on as doing so usually leads to a bad ending.

Myth 3: Slaves can not take care of themselves and want an owner because they believe having one will solve all of their problems and the owner will take care of everything for them.

Truth: Unfortunately I can not say that this is completely false because there are people out there who are exactly this way and believe having an owner will fix everything. I can say that this is most commonly seen in people who are very new to bdsm, with little or no experience and is not found in just m/s relationships but in d/s ones as well. It is also known in purely vanilla relationships as the Knight In Shining Armor Syndrome. It is also true that people who are like this are the minority, not the majority. The truth of the matter is, this just does not work and is untrue for the vast majority of slaves as an m/s relationship is not a co-dependent one..Slaves must be capable people. First and foremost they must be able to take care of themselves. A person cannot take care of someone else unless they can care for themselves first. Many slaves have a lot of responsibilities. Some are required to do budgets, take care of the house, and/or assist their owners with a small business. Some have less complicated responsibilities, but regardless of what the specific responsibilities are the basic fact remains the same. The slave is expected and required to fulfill those responsibilities to their owner’s satisfaction. In some cases, slaves are required to take classes and learn how to do something their owner wants them to do. The slave’s goal is to please their owner. To be able to meet that goal, a slave has to be able to take care of themselves to ensure they will be able to take care of their owner and their responsibilities.An m/s relationship does make some things easier. For example, the division of power is very clear resulting in fewer power struggles (with a preference that there are none at all). This is easier than a vanilla relationship where power struggles are more frequent over such things as “Whose money is it?”, “who takes out the trash?” and other subjects that are clouded by the expectation of full equality. Having an owner does fix some things such as the desire to serve. An owner gives the slave someone to serve, thus satisfying this need and “fixing” any confusion or need to suppress it. However, other issues such as low self esteem, depression and similar issues, cannot be fixed by an m/s relationship and in many cases an m/s relationship will worsen those issues. Being owned is not a solution to life’s problems and issues. It is a relationship and thus adds issues of its own to whatever issues already exist in a person’s life.

Myth 4: Slaves are stupid and incapable of identifying their own wants/needs

Truth: It cannot be said that all slaves have a superior intellect, nor can it be said (truthfully) that all slaves are stupid. Logically speaking since both kinds of human intelligence exist, the same variations are found in slaves. However, less intelligent slaves have been rare in my experiences. I have seen slaves pretending to be stupid due to some mistaken belief that it makes them a better slave. This is not true. Often, these are people who are new to bdsm and master/slave with little experience. Slaves must be intelligent because they are often relied upon to handle many of life’s day-to-day aspects and to do so without constant supervision and directions. This requires problem-solving skills and extensive knowledge of how their owner prefers things to be. Slaves also need strong observation skills so they can learn what pleases their owner without them having to explain every tiny detail. Slaves are expected to learn quickly and to put their knowledge into practice on a consistent basis. Intelligence is required for these things and more. A slave’s intelligence coupled with their strengths, individuality and self-reliance direct effects their ability to identify their own wants and needs and to separate them properly. Speaking on an basic level, people only need those things that sustain life (food, clothing, shelter and intellectual stimulation), and everything else is a want. A slave must be able to tell the difference between things they truly need and things they want. This can be very hard to do, but with practice can be done. Someone with little intelligence, minimal self-awareness, and a lack of mental or emotional strength has a very hard time differentiating between the two. A slave who sees everything as an urgent need quickly frustrates their owner. This puts the slave’s focus on them selves over their owner and m/s will not work that way. Slaves are expected to inform their owner when a need arises and many also like to be aware of a slave’s wants as well. Most owners want to meet their slave’s needs because they know that needs must be met in order to kept he slave at their best. Many will try to meet a slave’s wants as well, often as a reward or because they love the slave or any other number of reasons. Owners are not mind readers, so it is up to the slave to be able to recognize wants vs. needs and inform their owner.

Myth 5: Slaves are weak.

Truth: Weak human beings exist, so I am sure there are weak slaves somewhere. (Weak is being used here to mean mental/emotional weakness, not physical strength) However, such weakness is the exception rather than the norm for slaves. Slaves are strong individuals and have to be so for many reasons:

They must overcome society’s (and probably their upbringing) ideas of a “good relationship”
They must have insight into and a good working knowledge of them selves. Weak people are unable to have these as they lack the strength to take such a deep look at themselves and usually have low self esteem and a skewed self-image
Slaves have to reveal all of the knowledge this insight gives them to their owners. It takes a great deal of courage and mental fortitude to share these inner things with another.
They have to have the self-control needed to live up to their end of the bargain as a slave. This takes strength, especially when they aren’t in the mood or don’t like a task given them. At these times they must rely upon their strength to complete these tasks and to behave in the manner they agreed to upon submitting to their owner.
Giving complete control of one’s self to another is scary and very difficult to do. Our culture does not teach people how to do this and it is not easy to do. Doing this places the slave in a very vulnerable position (physically, mentally and emotionally vulnerable). It takes strength to give this control and to maintain submission.
Slaves have to maintain all they currently are, and continue to grow as a slave, partner, lover, friend and every other role/title used to describe a person. Someone who is mentally or emotionally weak, can not grow because they lack the strength needed to identify areas that can be improved and to learn from their experiences.

All of these things take courage, strength and commitment to accomplish. A weak person would not be successful with this over time. Slaves do have weaknesses or bad habits, they have moments of fears, confusions, doubts etc., and they get tired, same as all people do. Slaves have these moments because they are people not because they are slaves. It is very common for others to blame slavery as the cause for those moments or times in a person’s life, when the true culprit is life itself and the fact that we’re human beings. The inner strength of a slave shows best during these times because it is that inner strength that makes it possible for them to continue being a slave during those down times.

Myth 6: Slaves are all the same and have (or are not allowed) no interests outside of their owner.

Truth: This myth is one that is often used to put down slaves. They are called robots, Stepford slaves or cookie cutter slaves. Despite the many similarities between slaves, once you get beyond these surface similarities differences become apparent. Slaves are human beings and as such there are just as many variations in personality, interests, behaviors, etc. in a group of slaves as there are in other group of people. On top of these human variations, slaves vary in bdsm areas as well. For example: The desire to please others is a similarity between slaves. However, the intensity, reason behind it, and expression of this desire differs from one slave to another. The same can be said for most, if not all, of the personality traits found in slaves. It is these variations that make each slave different. They also make which relationship type and owner that works for them, different. If slaves were all the same, there would be no need for compatibility discussions or any of the other things that are done before a commitment is made. Any slave would do for any owner. It is these very differences that make a slave right for one owner and wrong for another, and make growth possible. As for interests outside of one’s owner’s interests (such as hobbies, studies, friends etc.) every slave has them. Again, this is because slaves are people, not just slaves, so they have the same variety of interests as any group of people does. Most experienced owners encourage their slaves to continue with their interests and hobbies. For the owner, these things were most likely part of the attraction they have for that particular slave. Most owners want their slaves to be all of who they are and to enjoy their lives and they know that to do these things, the slave must have interests and such outside of slavery and bdsm so the owner encourages those interests and activities. If however, a slave’s interests or hobbies (and even friends) are detrimental to the slave, the owner might choose to make the slave stop or at the very least cut back on them. It is also not uncommon for a slave and their owner to learn more about any hobby or interest that they do not have in common so as to grow closer together. Also, people sometimes just need a break (especially during periods of stress) and a hobby can provide stress relief and the very break the person needs. Experienced owners know this as well and allow (even encourage) their slave to take such breaks.

These are the most common myths about slaves and slavery that I have seen or heard in my experiences so far. As one can see, these myths are often based on misunderstanding and/or a lack of knowledge or experience. These myths can cause a lot of harm sometimes if people believe them and then base their behavior in their relationship on them. These myths have often been used to insult, belittle or otherwise hurt a slave (even to a point of causing mental/emotional harm). Most often I have this done by people who are not slaves yet are somehow insecure or otherwise bothered by slaves, so they put them down. A master/slave relationship, when entered into with full knowledge before hand, can be a very healthy and happy relationship for those involved.

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I do hope that this particular essay helps those who read this blog to understand some of the realities of a master/slave relationship, and that it helps shed light on the many myths and misunderstandings that exist about these relationships.

Old Guard, New Guard, The way I was trained

2005-07-13T18:10:00.000-05:00

I was doing some reading today. I came accross some articles regarding the history of the leather scene and read them. It was quite fascinating reading to be honest. Some of it was very familiar to me, not because I was there when these things were the norm, but because they were the things my mentor taught me.

I have told others that when I got online and found lots of people who enjoy bdsm and things like that, I made the mistake of trying to model my reality after what others told me was *right*, only to have it fail, of course. Rick, whom I consider my mentor, is the one who opened my eyes to realizing that bdsm is personal and it is what I make of it, what is right for me and my partners. He used to talk alot about the group he had been a member of for over 20 years down in Texas where he lived. He related to me things like group rules, ownership of a sub (but they were all called masochists or slaves), who owned the collar, who bestowed a collar, how a sub/slave was handled within the group itself and so many other things. It was he who showed me that I did not have to engage in a relationship where I have the final say and can say no whenever I want and have it obeyed if I did not want such a relationship. He trained me in formality, rituals, positions and ettiquette. The things he explained to me and showed me how to do, matched my feelings and desires better than d/s ever did.

Ok..gotta take this call..will finish later

Running From Dennis The Menacing Hurricane

2005-07-12T01:27:00.001-05:00

Master decided we were going to evacuate once our county said people should evacuate. After having the tornado in the backyard with Ivan last year, I was more than willing to evacuate since this storm was supposed to be a category 4 (with a possibility of being cat. 5) when it made landfall. We went to a part of Florida that is inland by at least 100 miles from either the atlantic ocean or the gulf of mexico. After we arrived, Master Fire-Soul told people in LnR where we were and that we were okay. But it turned out we couldn't call out from the hotel room phone, which was quite annoying. So I told Master Fire-Soul he could give people the number to the hotel so they could call us themselves and we can let them know we are okay.

It turned out that two people we know from online Master Rare`Vos and his slave zjari live in the town we were staying in! We got a call from them and agreed to meet for lunch. We had a great time! They are both such wonderful people, have great senses of humor and are very friendly. zjari was a blast! She has that verbal bantering sense of humor, similar to mine, only she is much better at it! Lunch was great! After lunch they came back to our hotel room and we sat and talked. Turns out we have a lot in common regarding our views of bdsm, gor and master/slave relationships, including what methods we believe work best for teaching someone who is new to bdsm about the lifestyle. I really really enjoyed meeting them and spending time wiht them. I hope we can do that again soon!

I had an interesting experience on the car ride. I know I have written about my troubles with writing and how I was using a tape recorder to record my thoughts so I wouldn't lose them when I sat down to put the thoughts on paper. Well, in the car, I was cross stitching and my mind tossed at me an article in rough draft form. I tried to just ignore it becasue I really need to finish this peice I'm working on, but my mind kept nagging me until finally I realized how I was feeling. I was excited, feeling creative, and really really WANTING to write! So I pulled out a pen and a notebook. I had brought my notebooks and some outlines that I have written for articles in the last 5 years, but neve rmanaged to actually write because I lost the thoughts I had about them. I was hoping that I could work on some of them while sitting in the hotel room for 3 days. Anyway, instead of working on an old article, I ended up producing an entirely new one. In just 30 minutes I had, on paper, a really good rough draft of an article about Gorean Natural Order. The best part??? I did not lose a SINGLE word, not a single thought...nothing! The entire article got written down, just as it showed up in my head and I missed nothing! It felt so good to write the way I used to again. It felt so RIGHT. so ME. I need that, and I can't believe how completely I had smothered that need in fear. I will do the re-write on the article then post it to LnR. I am also going to submit to the ezines I used to write for, see if they want it. Can't hurt to get out there and do it I don't think.

I am beginning to feel more confident in myself and my writing. More confident that I will heal this area of myself as well. Master was sooooooooooooooooo right to make me write an article a week or face punishment. At first I was terrified because I believed I could not write anymore and thus I would disappoint him. The idea of letting him down scared me more than writing. Which, I think he was counting on to be honest. Well, whatever his thoughts were they were correct. I swear, he knows me better than I know myself sometimes and I like it that way.

Well, I am exhausted. It was a long drive home and my back is hurting and I'm sleepy. So I'm going to stop here and go to bed.
Night Night!

A Day At The Beach

2005-07-03T01:58:00.000-05:00

I went with Master today to the hotel where my in-laws are staying. Its right on the beach. I bought a bathing suit yesterday because I knew Master wanted me to go with him today, since I couldn't go yesterday due to my back. So today I helped pack stuff, gathered up the MM (mini-master, my 9 yr old son) and Master's daughter and went with Master to visit his family. We sat around the hotel room, which was fairly large so we weren't too crowded, and chatted for a while. Then we had McDonald's for lunch and after that we went down to the beach. I wasn't going to, mostly because I am embarressed by my belly, but I knew Master really wanted me to. So I went ahead and put on my bathing suit and spent about an hour or so swimming in the ocean (which is the Gulf Of Mexico) and standing on the beach. The kids had a blast and it was a lot of fun watching them play in the surf. MM tended to spend much of his time playing by himself and that made me feel bad. I had hoped he would get better at socializing thanks to school, but that doesn't seem to have happened. He can play with other kids and enjoy himself, but he also seems to like playing beside other kids, rather than with them.

I really enjoyed swimming in the ocean. The water felt absolutely wonderful! It has been so long sicne I have gone swimming. It is nice to know that I do still enjoy it. The water was a bit choppy, not real bad though. I got to see just how badly I am out of shape by how quickly the waves (which really weren't that big) made me tired. After a while on the becah we went to the hotel pool, which was a lot easier to swim in. Of course, there were no currents or waves LOL I did some diving in the deep end, and I taught my niece how to dive alittle bit, she did quite well. Then I tried to teach the MM how to float, but he wouldn't relax enough to float.

Ok I'm falling asleep. I'll finish this tomorrow.

Company Has Arrived

2005-06-30T21:35:00.000-05:00

Master's family is here to visit. I really like them, they are alot of fun to spend time with. So I spent most of the day sitting in the dining room talking with one, two or all three of them. (Depending on who was napping and who wasn't LOL) They drove 16 hours to come visit for a week or so. I knew they were coming from months ago. They come every year, which is very nice. This year I felt slightly different, well more than slightly actually, about their visit. Not that I didn't want to see them or anything like that, but on my duty while they are here. I wanted to make Master proud of me as a hostess. I mean, this is his father, step mother and his sister, they mean a lot to him. As his slave, I wanted him to be proud of me and pleased by how I treat them. It is really easy though because I love them lots too. (grin) I think I did a real good job too. They seemed very happy, which was my goal.

Its going to be busy, confusing, noisy and all that for the next week or so, but its also going to be a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to it.

I can't describe how much better I feel after Master and I played the other night. I really needed it! I am a lot more relaxed and more peaceful. I really miss being able to play on a regular basis and sometimes I just *need* the release of pain play. I have noticed though that I can't take as much physically as I used to. I figure it is because we don't play very often due to privacy issues, so my skin isn't as tough as it was. Not that I had callouses or anything, but I did have a higher tolerance level.

There is a girl coming into LnR every day, she is very new to the lifestyle and thus at the whole fear filled confusion stage and trying to figure out if this is right for her or not. She doesn't even understand why she keeps coming back or what the attraction is for her. I remember that stage, though it wasn't as bad for me as I already knew I liked the kinky sex and that I liked making people happy, so for me much of it was major relief in having words to put to my desires, and finding out that I wasn't crazy because alot of other people had the same (or very similar) desires. But I did have the whole experience when I first entered a gorean chat room and something inside me went YES! even louder than it did when I first entered a bdsm room.

Gorean rooms can be very intimidating. There is so much for a slave to know. Positions, language, serves, food, beverages, silks and all the other stuff. I remember being afraid, confused and everything else because I was trying so hard to make myself conform to someone else's idea of what was the right way to engage in bdsm, even though I already knew inside myself that it wasn't completely right for me. I tried so hard because it was such a major relief to finally have those answers and fit in, I did not want to lose it. But I kept going back to the gor rooms. Out of embaressment and shame, I always said it was because the serves and such called to my creative side, the writer in me. But that was only part of the reason. The other part was because I thrive on the structure, I enjoy the rituals, I needed to be owned. Those were things I couldn't tell anyone, even myself, for the longest time. So many people look down on gor as unrealistic, silly, and all kinds of other equally insulting things. As time went on though, I did admit to myself at least, why I stayed in gor rooms and why I kept returning to them if I did leave for a while. Because being a slave is what I wanted and what I need, it is who I am. I can't say that I fully agree with all the gorean philosophy, but most of it I do agree with.

I can't agree that ALL women should be submissive and ALL men should be dominant, based solely on gender, because human beings are just not that simple. I can agree that for some people this is correct for them, but it isn't correct for all. The other things such as being honorable and such, I agree with whole heartedly. I am a strong individual, with my own opinions and I am not afraid to voice them most of the time. I can be stubborn and annoying (of course). I am a smart ass, and love to crack jokes and engage in verbal banter. These are all things that I had been taught a slave can not be. When I finally looked into it for myself, I found that not only is that not true, but that many slaves are very similar to me. That many dominants who want slaves, prefer slaves who are capable, intelligent, have a good sense of humor and all the rest. Most do not want someone they have to watch all the time or give directions to for every step of every little thing they do. They want someone who can be told "I want you to do these things" and then know that the slave will do the best they can to meet that expectation and handle whatever comes up while doing so in a manner that would be pleasing to their owner. That slaves are not mindless robots who are all alike or are just people who can't handle their own lives at all so prefer someone else to make all their decisions for them. This is just not true. Yes I give Master the power to make all my decisions for me, and he has final say in everything, but that doesn't mean I am relieved from the responsibility of handling my life. In actuality, I am required to not only handle my life, but to do it well enough to please him.

It is kind of nice to finally be able to say to myself that I am a slave, and I like it. :)

Thoughts Continued

2005-06-29T20:09:00.000-05:00

Well I was talking earlier about how Master has tightened the leash on me and how my response has been to like it and have an increasing need to serve and to please, and that this surprised me. For a long time I believed that I would never truly feel this way again, at least not with any lasting depth to it. I was wrong. I am very glad that I was wrong too. It means I have healed from things I thought I would not heal from. Not only healed, but gone beyond where I was before. Most likely this is because I know more about myself than I used to know, partly due to all my experiences, good or bad. Everything I have been through and everything I have done, has contributed to the person I am today. Today's experiences will add to that and contribute to who I will be tomorrow or next year. Looking back to myself a year ago, I don't seem like the same person. And I know I am not. The fears I had then, are either completely gone or robbed of their ability to truly frighten me. They no longer prevent me from doing what I want to do, which is good.

I'm writing again, more consistently than I have for years and without fear of reprisal either. I am beginning to enjoy the process of writing again, the way I used to and am excited about it. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to explode because all the ideas I had in the past for articles and essays are still there, but they are not alone anymore. More ideas have been added. Apparently part of my mind contiuned generating ideas whether I was actually writing or not. I find myself with more ideas than time to write them all LOL. ITs okay though, I have plenty of time and I am sure I will be allowed to continue to write. Master could tell me to stop, but I know he won't do that. It is too much a part of me for him to want to get rid of it. Its a part of me that attracted him to me.

Losing things that make one the person they are, is often a fear that many people new to the lifestyle have, specially when discussing or considering slavery. I try to explain that a healthy master / slave relationship does not destroy who the slave, as a person and human being, is, instead it enhance them and many do not understand. The fear of losing one's self is a strong fear, one that is hard to overcome. In the wrong relationship, it is a possibility. Once people here that, they assume it will happen in every relationship simply because of the loss of control a slave has. But it doesn't work that way. In the right relationship, the slave grows and who they are is enhanced, not removed. Yes, some things get changed. For me its been learning better control of my temper and my mouth. Things I have wanted to learn but could not learn entirely on my own. The rest has been minor things like changing how I fold clothes to a way he prefers and likes. Would he change my showing intelligence? not at all. Would he change my comittment to my web site? no. why? because these are things which are important to me. He might ask me to not do them for a day or so, to spend alone time with him. But he would never make me feel guilty or neglectful for doing these things.

Well that's all I can think of and I have to go because a friend has called me.

Thoughts on recent events

2005-06-29T17:42:00.000-05:00

Well, most people who know me, know I live in a household with 10 people in it. 2 are my kids, 2 are Master's kids, 2 are kids we picked up, 1 is Master's son's new wife, then master and myself and the nanny ayli. We are up to 6 cats (got two new kittens cuz master and I are softies LOL), 2 rabbits, 2 ferrets and a dog most of us don't really like. So our house is never quiet enough, or lacking people enough for us to play very often. Specially not playing hard because we have to keep the noise down. heck, the kids think we are making love or playing if we are simply giggling or laughing and the door is closed. this can be so very very annoying sometimes. Anyway, last night for the first time in months, ALL the kids (except the youngest) were GONE! YAY!! Luckily, the youngest was asleep so we closed and locked the bedroom door and for the next hour and half, we had a great deal of fun without thinking about noise levels or anything or anyone else. I know I really really needed that. Master said he did too.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about things recently. Mostly because I have noticed some changes in myself and in master that make me think. Master has certainly grown as a dominant and a master over the past year. He more easily accepts the fact that he enjoys being served, without feeling guilty for it. He accepts and enjoys the fact that sometimes he just wants to make me go "ow!" without feeling guilty or feeling as if he is abusing me. He demands more of me on a daily basis than he did before. Not so much in task areas, but in areas of behavior. The biggest being my mouth. I am quite sarcastic and a smart ass. I am real good at one liners and comebacks. Most of the time I am very good at knowing where the line is between funny and too much. But Master has recently moved that line backwards a bit, so I reach "too much" a bit faster than before. The most interesting part of this is my reaction to it. I kind of expected to be upset somehow if or when he tightened the reins on me. I have gotten used to having a lot of freedom, though I didn't really like it. Over the past year, he has pulled back how much freedom I have. So I expected to be upset by it or worried about it. But I'm not either one. Instead I find that I am happier, calmer, more focused and centered within myself. It just feels right.

As a result my desires to please and to serve have simply grown stronger. Sometimes the intensity of them does scare me, but it is not a huge amount of fear. Its just a fleeting fealing that doesn't last more than a few seconds. Woops. Matser wants the computer. I'll try to finish later or tomorrow.

New Tasks

2005-06-24T01:59:00.000-05:00

I have a new responsibility, but its one that should be both a lot of fun and a lot of work. Ayli and I are now the leadreship of out local BDSM group! It should be a lot fun. Getting to meet new people, getting out of the house at least one night a month. I'm hoping we will make somre good friends in the grop.

Ok I am falling asleep here So I am going to have to stop here. I'll try to write more tomrrow

What do I do all day

2005-01-05T00:20:00.000-06:00

This is a question I get asked a lot. I'm not sure if its because people get trapped by the words master/slave, or total power surrender or what. But it seems to be asked of those who call themselves slaves, more often than those who call themselves submissive. It as if it is more acceptable to be a sub than it is to be a slave. This never ceases to amaze me, though I suppose I should be used to it by now.

Some seem to think that being a slave is no different from being a sub and therefore their duties are clearly spelled out by the dominant and they end there. This is not true, as I am sure it is not true for all submissive either. Part of being a successful submissive or slave is having the desire to please your Master. This means in both the ways he orders you to and in ways that you simply notice he enjoys and then doing those things for him even though he did not ask you to. Many dominant like this initiative taking in their slaves. It shows that the slave truly is interested in pleasing the dominant before themselves. Can this be manipulated and used in a negative manner? Yes it can, but then so can just about anything in any relationship, vanilla or Buddhism.

So my day..Well my daily tasks are as follows:

take care of my back
straighten out at least one room in the house a day
do 3 to 4 loads of laundry (washed dried and put away)
balance the checkbook (once or twice a week)
pay bills on payday (go over the bills I selected to pay with Master for his approval and make any changes he desires
take good care of the children
dress in a manner that is pleasing to him *usual means skirts and no panties*
write in my journal or blog
anything that Master adds and sometimes he does add things

Mostly my day is like most other people who are stay at home moms with 3 teenage daughters and an 8 yr old son. Lots of time is taken up caring for the kids, helping with homework, straightening out and all that stuff. So all of that is included.

For me however, the mental knowledge . No certainty, that everything I do is to please Master often make a difficult day a little easier. I try to remember that I am supposed to be pleasing him, and sometimes this stops me from making the common errors I made in the past like snapping at people for no reason, or getting angry for nothing at yelling at people. Both habits I so badly wanted to break. It seems I finally have. To watch me go about my daily routine you would have no idea that I was owned. The power exchange is subtle and quiet. It can get loud and overt if the situation warrants it, but most of the time it is simply this very quiet knowledge within myself that I belong to Master and that everything I do either must please him or have a really good excuse for not pleasing him.

Some think there is a magic potion, that somehow a bdsm relationship is more exciting, more thrilling day in and day out. The truth of the matter is, it isn't. Sure at first, there is a lot of that excitement that accompanies any newborn relationship. Of course this is intensified by the fact that the play is quite intense. For many, it is their first time playing, so possibly they see their partner as the only one who can ever make them feel this good and poof, love is born. But like any other relationship, that initial infatuation stage will wear off. Many take this to mean the relationship is over, but it isn't. So long as there are solid reasons for being together, those reason can step forward now and provide the basis to continue the relationship. Stuff like, major things in common, mutual agreement on many or most bdsm related issues, common view on religion, sports, etc. The belief that your partner is your best friend and you can turn to them for anything at any time. These are the marks of a true loving committed relationship in my opinion. And you need these basis in the relationship to take over when the infatuation/lust period wears off. I was lucky in that Master and I had a great foundation upon which to base the relationship when the infatuation wore off.

I do the same things everyone else does in real life. I shop, cook, clean, watch kids, and do what my Master tells me to do. If I fail, I confess it and expect punishment. That's abut it for what I do all day.

Rough Day

2004-11-11T21:36:00.001-06:00

Today ended up being a rather rough day. I read a Xanga entry (blog entry) from my step son that really hurt my feelings. He seems bound and determined to see everything I do, don't do, say or don't say as negative and against him, no matter what it actualy was. And I know that any explanation I give him won't matter, he continues to see things in whatever way he has decided is "right" in his mind. Usually that means whatever makes him look most innocent. Still though, it really hurt my feelings to see him turn around what actually happened when he showed up unannounced and unexpected the other day so that it looks like I purposely snubbed him because I hated him. I don't hate him. I don't like everything he does, but I don't hate him.

I got punished last night, for not doing laundry. I did some laundry today, there isn't much to do though, only a few small loads left, which is kind of nice. So I had my guilt with me today. I always feel guilty when I screw up enough to actually be punished because I know Master does not punish easily.

Then to make matters worse someone decided it would be a good idea to tell me I am not a slave, nor a sub, because I do not immediately agree with everything Master says or does and that I am more than willing to tell him if I think he is wrong. After that blog of my step-son's this crap did not help at all. This guy scares me because he puts himself out there as a wise knowledgeable person about BDSM, and he tells people he has online only experience. I've done both, online and real life, and there is a major difference between the two. It is alot easier to type in "kneels before so and so" in real life when you are angry, not feeling well, cranky or what not than it is to actually do it in r/l. THere are fears and such that crop up in real life, that don't crop up online because in r/l its all real. The dominant is really going to tie you up, or really expect you to do all the housework or whatever is in your relationship. Online, typing in that you wash the dishes is alot more fun than actually washing dishes in real life. I've done both as I said before so I speak, from my experiences, to both. But I try to be very reality based when it comes to teaching newbies. In my opinion it is wrong and downright dangerous to teach a bunch of newbies that they should never ever question their dominant and that if they do they are a bad submissive or slave. In reality subs and slaves question their dominants (and themselves) quite often. The longer the relationship goes on, the less questioning is done because the people involved know each other better, but there are still times where questions are raised.

How each individual relationship handles these questions is one thing, and it does vary. Some require that the slave ask permission to speek freely before they can tell the dominant their feelings or thoughts. Some do not require that. Some require a combination of that. But every master/slave relationship I know of has some kind of arrangement made in which the slave can (and is expected to) question their dominant, or give their opinion and evidence if they think the dominant is wrong. To be told that this is not allowed is a fantasy and a dangerous one. I've been in a relationship where questioning the dominant was not allowed at all and obedience was expected even when I knew the dom was flat out wrong. It was very damaging to me because I was the one who had to deal directly with the mistakes he made. I was the one who got hurt physically or emotionally because the dom was too insecure to let me give my opinion.

We talk about communication a great deal in bdsm. We say how important it is to keep a relationship healthy and happy. Being able to give one's opinion is part of the communication in any relationship. To deny one participant the ability to do that, is to effectively cut them off from communicating at all. Without the communication trust suffers, resentment builds and the relationship eventually dies and at worse it can become quite abusive.

If being able to speak my mind, at my owner's insistence, makes me not a slave or sub in someone else's eyes, then they need glasses and a reality check. I know what I am and I know who is in charge and has final say in all things, and it is not me.

Arguing in master/slave?

2004-11-09T03:20:00.000-06:00

Yes, arguing, as in fighting. People seem to think that having a power exchange relationship of any sort, stops any and all arguing that would occur otherwise. This just is not true. People eventually argue, the dynamics of the relationship does not stop the argument. It may provent it from occuring for a while, but sooner or later it will happen. Being a slave makes me no less human than the next person. There are things that agravate me, upset me or get on my nerves. From time to time master and I have disagreements, and once in a while we have out and out fights. Its been a little over a year since our last huge fight, which we had this weekend. I really hate it when we fight like that. Its always a combination of things that just finally became too much for me and the fight was on. Knowing that I started the fight makes me feel quite guilty.

Its really late so I won't go any further than this for now. I need to get some sleep.

That damn "abuse" accusation

2004-10-16T01:15:00.000-05:00

I've been involved in bdsm online for almost 9 years now. I run mailing lists and a very large web site. I have changed as a slave over time. I have made many mistakes that are quite common for people when they first get involved in bdsm. Its kind of odd considering that I already incorporated pain play into my sex life and always had. The earliest fantasies I remember included things like bondage and spanking. I had some terminology and some idea of what was included in bdsm beyond the play activities, but I had far from enough knowledge to know about the many variants that are found in the bdsm lifestyle. One of the mistakes I made, and it is a common mistake for novice submissives, is I tried to model my personal bdsm relationship after what someone else considered to the "right". Of course it did not work. Eventually I realized that bdsm is a highly personalized thing, that each relationship is different and must be adjusted/created to best fit the people involved rather than to match up with someone else's idea of what is correct bdsm and what isn't, or what makes a good submissive and what doesn't.

Today, yet again, I came accross the belief that anyone who does not use a safeword is unsafe and any dominant who prefers to not use a safeword is abusive and any sub or slave who goes along with a dominant's preference to not use a safeword is an abuse victim, not a submissive or slave. This viewpoint bothers me because it is not true. I will have to write more tomorrow. I am falling asleep.

Lots Of Work

2004-10-13T01:05:00.001-05:00

I did a lot of work today in the laundry room. I completely cleaned it out, getting rid of a lot of stuff that no one uses, wants or even remembers being there. I had to do it though because there was no room for the vacuum and the steam cleaner. It looks very very good now!

Master made me feel really good today. He told me that I have been extremely pleasing to him lately. He says that I have done a really good job keeping up with my tasks, and doing what he asks me to do, and even doing things he didn't ask me to do but that I knew would make him happy. It was really really nice to hear these compliments from him.

OK. this needs to be a short entry tonight because I am tired, in pain and its late.

YAY! Back on my feet

2004-10-09T16:53:00.000-05:00

I've had a rough week with my back, but its finally calmed down so here I am again. This will be a first, 2 posts within 2 weeks. WOW! Most of the time I have no clue what to say. People seem to think that living a 24/7 power exchange relationship is exciting every day, but it isn't. Its like any other long term relationship, things become "normal", they become "just what we do" and often we don't even think about why we do them that way anymore. We just do. This doesn't mean we are bored with each other or anything, because we're not. It does mean that the spark that exists in a new relationship has gone away, which happens in every relationship.

People ask me if I still get in trouble. Yes I do, from time to time. I got in trouble last Saturday as a matter of fact. Master had ordered me to not do anything, to stay off my feet. I was up early last Sat. with my son, and having not slept Friday night I was very tired. So I started doing stuff to keep myself awake. Nothing major like moving furniture, but I wasn't staying off my feet. My back wasn't as bad as it had been the day before, and I didn't even think about what he had ordered me to do. He caught me ironing a binding on a latch hook that one of the girls had done and wanted finished as a pillow. As soon as I saw the look on his face, I knew I was in trouble. Then I remembered I wasn't supposed to be doing anything. This is one of the two ways that I most often get in trouble, forgetting something because my mind is too focused on something else, or opening my mouth and talking without thinking first. I am glad that it is not often that I get in trouble. Knowing I have done something wrong, let him down, makes me feel very very bad. It is the worst part about being in trouble. It is the part that makes it possible for a corporal punishment to be a punishment despite the fact that I usualy enjoy pain when we play. The mindset is very diferent between a punishment scene and a play one.

This past week has been rather boring because I did have to spend most of it off my feet and I really hate doing that. It makes me irritable and upset, and half the time I am not even sure why. Mostly its because I feel useless just sitting on my duff and doing nothing. I really hate having to give in to my back, it always strikes me as unfair. But Master takes my back very seriously. Thankfully he has also reached a point where he balances it better so that I don't feel like I am being treated like glass. There are many things that I can still do, but there are also things I can't do and finding the balance between the two is often an ongoing process.

Master is currently asleep, so I've taken the opportunity to catch up on my email. Finally got that done. I've done a great deal on the web site, and am just waiting for the pictures I need to finish the band site, and start really getting that done.

Well that's about all I can think of to write.

A New Beginning For This Blog

2004-09-29T03:05:00.000-05:00

If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Everyone has heard this little snippet at one point or another in their lives. I find it to be true. I realize it has been a very long time since I wrote in this blog and I am now hoping to change that. I'm hoping to make this blog something that will help others to see what a master/slave relationship can be like in real life. Not every relationship is the same, and what works for my master and myself may not work for anyone else. But being able to read about someone else's relationship can help the reader to see for themselves the reality of a master/slave relationship, rather than just the fantasy.

Everyone has fantasies and those are good things to have. They often tell us things we would like to try, or goals we wish to achieve, or simply give us a few moments to daydream. But in BDSM people tend to confuse their fantasies with the reality and expect a full time power exchange relationship to be exactly how they fantasized it would be. I'm not trying to say that fantasies are wrong because they certainly are not; what I am hoping to do is help people to see one possible reality for this kind of relationship. I am also hoping that by sharing my reality it will assist someone who is new to the lifestyle develop a more reality based idea of what is possible, rather than set themselves up for disappointment by expecting their fantasies to become their reality. One of the common reasons that power exchange relationships fail is that one (or both/all) party in the relationship had unrealistic expectations of how the relationship would work on a day to day basis. So when the relationship was not everything they fantasized it would be, they end the relationship.

I get asked a lot "what does it mean to be a slave every day" to my master. For me it means, doing my best to please him every day. This is achieved through obedience, respectful behavior, and noticing little things that make him happy and then doing them. It means that his needs, wants and desires come before mine. It means that in all things, he has the final word. I am required to tell him my thoughts, ideas, feelings, wants and needs, but it is his choice of what to do with that information. I can ask for things, but he does not have to do them if he does not want to. I know this makes the relationship sound extremely one-sided, and that is the basic truth. A master/slave relationship is one-sided, with most of the emphasis being placed on the master. However, this does not mean that my master never does anything for me. Nor does it mean that my master can blithely ignore my wants and needs all the time. Master places quite a bit of importance on making sure my needs are met because he knows that if he never meets my needs sooner or later the relationship will end. He also enjoys granting my wants and desires fairly often because he enjoys my reaction. He likes to do things that will make me smile or make me feel good, the only difference between our power exchange relationship and a vanilla one is that he does not have to do those things if he does not want to. The final decision is his to make.

I have tasks that I am to do on a daily basis. Some leeway is given for my physical disability, or for unavoidable (or unexpected) situations that may arise which make it difficult or impossible for me to complete my tasks. At first master was real lenient in this area. He would excuse too much, which quickly caused me to believe that it did not matter if I completed my tasks or not. This was a stumbling block in our relationship for quite some time. About a few months ago however, he made his limits of what constitutes an acceptable excuse more stringent. And if I did fail to do my tasks, and he considered my reason to be unacceptable, he will punish me now rather than just letting it go. This has made me feel much more comfortable and safe in my role as his slave. I need that consistency, I need to know what the rules are and that they will be enforced. This is something that many slaves need. It gives them a sense of security and having that is very necessary for a slave to function well.

Today I was supposed to do some laundry, straighten up the bedroom, balance the checkbook and pay bills. I have been lax in completing my daily tasks these last couple of days. But master has made an allowance for them due to the circumstances surrounding our lives. First we had hurricane Ivan to deal with. This, of course, caused a great deal of worry for master because his son chose to drive to the city right near where the eye would make land fall, and he drove there during the the couple hours when the entire area was being plagued by major tornados, the first of which was responsible for one death, and another of which killed an older woman. We spent two days without electricity. Master became very worried about his son and his son's girlfriend when we did not hear from him for 3 days. Finally we got the number for where he was supposed to be, to find out that he had left that person's house 3 days earlier. Master, naturally, was consumed with worry and terrified that something bad had happened to his son. This, of course, caused a great deal of tension and concern for all of us. Then to add to those things, I got a slight case of food poisoning that left me feeling pretty sick for a few days and as often happens when I have stomach troubles or diarrhea, my back hurts a lot. So for those reasons master has let it slide that I did not get all of my tasks done every day. Instead he said he was proud of me because despite all of this going on, I did manage to get some of them done every day.

I understand his reasoning and I agree with it, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel guilty for having slacked off in the first place. I have spoken with him about it. He understands my guilty feelings but assures me that I have done nothing severe enough to warrant a punishment. However, he also said that now since everything has calmed down again, he will once again be holding me to my tasks. So I got most of them done today. For this I was rewarded with some play tonight, including sub-space. Our play does not always include sub-space for me, sometimes he just likes to watch me struggle to take the pain or hear me say "ow". In fact I would have to say that this sadistic streak in him has been growing steadily in the past year or so.

So why do I do all of these things for him if a reward is not guaranteed? Why do I obey and strive to please him even though I know he does not have to do anything to please me at any given time should he choose not to? For me the reason is rather simple, and one that not many people believe is true. I do it because it makes me feel good to please him. I know when I have pleased him by the look on his face, the light in his eyes, and sometimes he will come right out and say that I have pleased him. It is difficult to describe how this makes me feel other than to say that this my return for all my service and often it is enough. I can't say it is always enough because I am human and thus I occasionally wish for a reward or more than just a smile in return for everything I do. But those feelings do not occur often, and when they do they are not very strong and do not last long.

Well I am really tired so I'm going to stop in this blog and go ahead and post in my Journey To Healing From Abuse blog before I get too tired.

Good night!

Too Long Between Posts

2003-03-31T00:27:00.000-06:00

It has once again been a year since I wrote in here. I think I was suffering depression for a while because I became rather apathetic and just didn't feel like coming online. I was 5 months or more behind on web site entries...the dom_sub list was pretty much dead with the only posts being approved reminders of munches and such... Master put doing my email on my list of rules so that I have to do it for at least an hour, and if there is no mail to read or respond to, then I am to work on updating the site. He has called it a way to honor him. I'm hoping to start writing in here regularly again. There are so many things I want to write about...The war...The military...Embedded reporters..Etc etc.

Still Not Real Good At Doing This Every Day

2002-03-12T04:18:00.000-06:00

WOW! It's been almost a year since I last posted in here, I can't believe it has been that long, it went by so fast. Things have been hectic around here, and it's been busy. I will try and write tomorrow and bring people up to date.

Quotes and my response to them; plus a bit on society

2001-05-02T20:48:00.000-05:00

“People know what they do; they frequently know why they do what they do; but what they don’t know is what what they do does.” Michel Foucault

I read this little snippet the other night and it echoed as truth inside me. People seem to be blind to how their actions affect other people around them. Callousness, coldness, aloofness and insensitivity now reign supreme. Compassion is a rarity. Before, those things were the “norm”, now people who act this way (caring, kind, understanding, aware of how their behavior affects others) are considered to “have something wrong upstairs.” What causes this?

Society now moves at an astonishing rate. People spend expansive amounts of time with machines and little or no human contact. Everything gets done lightning quick, so much so that a 10 minute wait has become unacceptable. Such a break neck pace is bound to cause some side effects. I think one of those side effects is the degeneration of interpersonal skills. You can’t learn how to behave with or towards other people when you hardly interact with other people during the day. (Banking, shopping, recreation can all be done over the phone, through a computer, or by proxy.) You call the bank you get a machine. You call the electric company you get a machine. Human interaction is not as high as it used to be. As well, with such a fast paced society, people often find themselves burdened with such a heavy schedule that they have little to no time to cultivate friendships or to keep up with the friends they already have; we’re always rushing from one activity to the next. Gone are the days where Sundays are set aside for relaxation, family gatherings, or other interactions with human beings. Now we can shop, work and do millions of other things on Sundays. It seems that many people do not value interpersonal relationships as they once did and they come last on one’s “to do” list. All of these things combined, make it easier to not see how our behavior affects the people around us. We’re too busy to notice, to think about, or to care.

The victim belief has something to do with this as well, I think. The victim belief is the way everything is always someone else’s fault, or everything that is wrong with your life is because someone abused/neglected you in your past. People don’t take the responsibility for the actions anymore. Everything has a justifiable excuse and that excuse is supposed to relieve a person of any blame or responsibility for what they do. “Oh I got cranky? It’s not my fault I have huge stores of rage inside me because the neighbor abused me” or “I killed someone? That’s not my fault. I didn’t get everything I wanted/needed as a child and that neglect is what caused me to act out this way.” Where does the “not my fault” end and the “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that” begin? Yes child abuse is a horrific thing and very damaging to the child. However, it should not be a crutch that the person can use to justify any behavior no matter how wrong, 30 years later. Being an abuse survivor should not give a person a “I’m not responsible for anything” card, yet it does now. I do not think that abuse does not have long lasting or far reaching affects on a person because I know for a fact that it does. But I also know there are a large number of people who are using past abuse as an excuse for their behavior. Rather than take responsibility for themselves and heal the effects of the abuse, they use the abuse as an excuse for whatever behavior they choose to engage in. It seems to me that society has gone to the extreme with this. It used to be that abuse had no effect on children, and did not occur. Now, abuse is admitted to, but it is treated as a life-ending incident creating severe emotional disturbances in the victims that they can NEVER overcome. Isn’t going from “it never happens” to “it creates permanent flaws that victims will never overcome” just going from one extreme to another? Yes there are numerous situations where one’s past has a direct link to current behavior, but those cases are not the majority, nor should they become the majority. I think this stance of society has the most impact on the fact that many people just don’t see how they affect others anymore. They don’t have to see it because they have no blame, whoever abused/neglected them has all the blame. That is sad because it condemns society to becoming even more cold towards one another and it condemns the surviving victim of abuse to an unstable mental/emotional life by default. Too much emphasis is put on the damaging effects of abuse and not enough emphasis is put on actually healing from abuse. It is possible to heal from abuse and lead a perfectly happy life. Why doesn’t society put that message out there? I don’t know and I think it’s sad that more people do not know that they can heal from, and function “normally” despite, past abuse.

“He allowed himself to be swayed by his conviction that human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but that life obliges them over and over again to give to themselves” Gabriel Garcia Mquez from “Love In The Time Of Cholera”

I think this little snippet has something to say to that last paragraph about the victim mindset. Throughout life people must constantly be reborn. To do this, one must be open minded to new things and learn from past experiences. Each growth spurt causes the person to change into another version of themselves, or in some cases, a new version. In this way, it can be likened to being “Born” or “reborn”. Life teaches people things every single day, if we only take the time to look for those things. We have difficult things we must live through, and it is usually from those experiences that we learn the best, hardest, and most profound lessons. A person cannot remain stagnant throughout their entire life, or they cease to truly live. Instead a human being requires growth to achieve maturity, and continued growth to gain wisdom. This is a never ending process that keeps life alive. Life is not just the ability to breathe or have a heart that is beating. Life is more than that and I think it is a growth process. Human beings must continue to learn in order to truly live.

Darn and I had a real good thought going there too. Got interrupted by my daughter who unerringly asks to talk when I’m in the middle of something. LOL Oh well. No biggie.

2001-05-01T21:37:00.000-05:00

A lot of times the topic of terminology, expressions and words come up on mailing lists, in real life groups and in chat room. It is discussed about whether or not the words we use in BDSM actually exist, if the definitions that are in the dictionary (for those words that have definitions in the dictionary) are applicable to BDSM, and whether or not we can ever agree upon a lexicon of terms for the lifestyle. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this topic over the past few years, wondering whether having a set definition for the terms would be helpful or harmful, wondering whether or not we will ever arrive at a general consensus agreement of terms and wondering if it would even matter if we did. I wonder why people find it so necessary to create new terms when the ones that are already in place adequately describe the same situation or role.

“Words are not the things for which they stand” Robert Fulghum

The above quote seems to apply to how those involved in BDSM approach words. The frequent redefining of terms to a point where they no longer even faintly resemble their original definitions is (to me) an example of a word no longer being that which it stands for. The reason people define words is so that they can give a single word that stands for a longer meaning or situation. The word war for example is a very small word, yet whenever it is used it conveys a fight, usually with arms and usually involving large groups of people. Rather than saying “Such and such a place is engaged in a large scale war with hundreds of their military members fighting over land borders with the people of a neighboring country”, it is much easier to say “Such and such a place is at war with their neighboring country over border disputes.” The meaning is the same with the main difference being smaller words are used. Words provide multiple opportunities to get a thought/concept/idea across in different ways. The definition of a term is supposed to be the situation or such that the word was created to describe. If we start removing those definitions, we are making effective communication much more difficult because no one knows what anyone else is talking about. BDSM is a widely varied and often complicated topic as it is, and it is made more complicated by the erosion of the terminology. I do not however think this is isolated only to BDSM. I think this same erosion is occurring in every day language as well. I’m not sure why this is so, but it is there.

“We speak poetry, not substance.” Robert Fulghum

(I’ve been reading another Robert Fulghum book, can ya tell? I love his books, I always find something in them that touches me)
I read this little tidbit and all I could think of “what a neat way of saying lipservice!” Some consider poetry to be an abstract flowery use of words that has no real meaning or significance. I happen to think poetry does indeed have a distinct meaning, and it is usually the meaning that the author gives it. (It can be abstract or concrete or anything else the author wants it to be) So I can see how one could say that a person who speaks in the abstract, without conviction and without meaning what they say, is speaking poetry. For words to have substance they have to be filled with a meaning, whether that be the dictionary’s definition or some mental/emotional significance that the speaker imparts into the words. Another way that words have substance is whether or not they are spoken by someone who backs their words up rather than just speaks to hear their own voice, in this case those words have a lot of substance because the speaker can be counted on to back those words up. I think it is sad how society has developed (or regressed maybe) into something that values pretty words with no substance, over promises and honesty.

“The map is not the territory” Alfred Korzyboki (meaning “abstractions about reality are only symbols of the real world and are not to be confused with the world itself” Robert Fulghum)

With this little tidbit I get the impression that words are only the preface to the real item (be it a thought, feeling, experience, person, place or whatever) itself and not to be counted on to give an accurate representation of that item. It also could be reminding people that dreaming about something or reading about it (hearing about it etc) is nowhere near the same as experiencing it for yourself and not to take what you hear as the gospel truth about reality. Dreaming is wonderful and (I think so anyway) necessary for human beings. They help to enliven the spirit and refresh the soul. But it can be a very bad thing to confuse a dream with reality and dreams shouldn’t be relied upon to reveal the truth of a situation.

Just some rambling thoughts…

2001-04-19T23:17:00.000-05:00

It has been a very long time since I blogged, but that’s because I’ve been very busy. I’ll cover some of it. A long time friend of mine contacted me and asked me to create a web site for him. This is a business related web site with a domain name. Originally I was to create the site and maintain it while he learned to do these things himself. Then, once he felt comfortable and capable of doing so, I was to turn it all over to him. No problem. However, he has decided that he wants to give the entire site to me. Creation, management and creative design. He will, of course, maintain a high interest in what goes on the site and it’s layout etc. So I’ve been working on that for at least an hour a day. Right now, it’s mostly in the planning stage which gets done mentally and on paper. Testing new graphics, new ideas, laying out the pages and gathering information to be placed on the site. It doesn’t show a lot of the work I’ve done because most of that doesn’t get put on the site as a work in progress. Instead the final results get put up and those results are the pages with the gathered information, new ideas, new concepts and graphics or whatever. Though, I haven’t been able to put as much time as I was hoping into the site’s creation. Sam ended up in the hospital again. This time under a baker act because she was suicidal and homicidal and told these things to a police officer. Turns out one of her “friends” was trying to teach her to worship satan. I feel like I’m an actress in a really bad made for tv movie. It’s surreal, but it is not a “dream” or a pretend situation, it is my reality as much as I wish it wasn’t. So I spent a week dealing with her being in the hospital. I got the unenviable job of confronting her on a daily basis by visiting every single day. This was because she was manipulating the doctors and staff into believing she was perfectly fine. She did the whole “honeymoon” thing by this I mean she was smiling, laughing, happy, and generally very upbeat. She gave them no trouble at all. Which, of course, was in direct conflict with mine, Ron’s and ayli’s descriptions of her behavior and moods at home. We did a family therapy session in which Sam let down these defenses and showed how she was truly feeling and what she was truly thinking because I could see through her façade and told her to knock it off that I wasn’t buying it. So because of the fact that I could see through her, the psychiatrist demanded that I visit every day specifically to confront her and make her face her own thoughts/feelings. Not a position I wanted to be in. This kid is over 5 feet tall now, and strong. She is capable of really harming me physically, and when pushed she will start a physical fight with me. So to a certain extent I am afraid of her. Add to that the 7 years of dealing with this shit and I’m just emotionally worn out and tired of dealing with the roller coaster that is her emotions now. They’ve changed some of her medication doses and added a new one, this seems to be working well and she is a lot calmer. She has also been making a more concerted effort to talk to me about how she feels and what she thinks. As long as she talks to me, or to someone, and I mean really talks not just gives lip service, she doesn’t explode. It’s when she doesn’t talk, and instead hides from her thoughts and feelings, that she explodes and loses her self control. So anyway, that has taken a lot of my time. Add in the standard day to day stuff of running a household with 4 children, and that cuts down on my time as well. But that’s ok.

Simi and Ror came to visit. They arrived yesterday afternoon. I was very excited that they were coming to visit. We all seemed to get along so well online and I really like simi so I was real excited to meet them real life. I hoped we would get along as well in real life as we do online. My hopes were not met, instead they were exceeded. We got along extremely well and had a blast while they were here! I felt comfortable with both of them immediately, which was real nice. So did ayli, Ron and the kids. Kyle thought new people in the house was just wonderful and he had an absolute blast talking to both of them. I was not expecting any play to occur because this was our first meeting. I was pleasantly surprised however. Ayli and I spent a great deal of time cooking a special dinner for our guests and it came out absolutely perfect. I am proud of my part in the meal and I’m sure ayli is proud of hers as well, if not she should be. She is :) We all sat down to eat and every had seconds or even thirds. And we all talked, laughed and enjoyed the company throughout the meal. It was a lovely dinner.

After the kids went to bed Simi brought in the “toy bag”. Ohhh I was excited. She had described a collar to me online and said that a verbal description just didn’t do it justice. She told me she’d bring it with her when she visited, so I was really looking forward to seeing it. It is a gorgeous collar! Though it took about 3 hours from the time the toy bag was brought out until the time we actually looked at the collar. Instead, we had put in the movie American Beauty but no one was paying attention to it. Instead we were talking and having fun. The discussion turned to needle play. Simi was describing how Ror uses needles on her and we were fascinated by it. So next thing I new, Ror was demonstrating. He did a ladder on simi’s breast, and then a cross. She barely flinched, though with the cross she did some Lamaze breathing. Throughout it all she was explaining how it feels and how she deals with the pain and variations that she has seen or heard of with needle play. I was fascinated. I wanted to try, but I was still very scared of the needles. I guess I’ve come to the whole fear of needles thing that so many people have. Ayli sat down and Ror put a ladder on her left breast. She didn’t flinch either and she started talking about how cool it felt and interesting and all that. This made me want to try even more. Ron, bless his heart, knew I wanted to try it and that I was only hesitating out of fear so he ordered me to sit down and let Ror do it, so of course I did. Before Ror could start though, Ron put the purple velvet collar on my neck. He looked very intense and all I could think of was doing my best not to wimp out and to please him. I really was scared. I did not look as Ror put the first needle in above my right breast. (They were 20 guage needles) Ron was holding my hand. Simi was talking to me, and honestly I don’t remember anything she said to me I was just too afraid. Of course, I was very tense and thus it hurt. But once it was in, I realized it had not hurt anywhere near as badly as I was afraid it would, and I relaxed. I found myself staring at this needle that was through my skin and was fascinated by it. I mean it looked like it should be hurting like absolute hell, but it didn’t. There was a sense of pressure (closest word I can think of) but no real pain. The worst of the pain came with the initial piercing of the needle through my skin, with a less sharp pain coming when the needle exited the other side. I watched as Ror put in the next 3 forming a ladder. I only flinched on the third one. I found that watching it was easier for me, and because I knew when the pain would hit I was able to handle it a lot easier. I found myself thinking over and over that it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. I was also very amazed that I had actually let someone do this. I had wanted to try it, I had fantasized about it, but I guess I had never really let myself think that it would ever come true so I was kind of shocked when I actually had needles in my skin. Ron was watching very closely as Ror put the needles through. He had watched just as closely with Simi and ayli as well and had already used a needle on himself in 4 spots to get a feel for doing it. Ror put another ladder on my left breast, again using 4 needles and only one of those (least that’s all I can remember right now) made me flinch. He put a cross in on the right breast’s edge and that did hurt quite a bit. Mostly the second needle on the cross hurt because it had to go beneath the first needle. But even that wasn’t too bad. I did the breathing thing. Simi was encouraging me the whole time. Talking to me, and reminding me to breathe deeply. She even said “It’s through” everytime the needle broke through the skin the second time to exit. After the third needle I had a pretty good idea of when the needle exited anyway, but I found her verbal assurances to be quite comforting and helpful. I was also surprised, but not overly surprised, that I was not embarrassed to be bare chested in front of two people I had literally just met. I was a bit shy at first, but as soon as Ron gave the order to sit down for Ror to do the needles, that shyness went away. I was not the least bit afraid that Ror would truly hurt me. He did not intimidate me at all, nor did he pressure me. He asked if I was sure I wanted to do this, so I had to admit that yes I really wanted to try but I was scared. He smiled at me and was very patient. That meant a great deal to me. Ron sat right beside me, holding my hand and talking softly in my ear. Telling me that I looked beautiful, he was very pleased, and that he loves me and I am his lady his slut his slave. I got a bit fuzzy headed, but nowhere near sub space, just very relaxed. Once both ladders and one cross were in place we ended up pausing. Ron was very pleased by what he saw and Ror was smiling so I figured he liked what he saw too. Things went into other activities that I won’t go into great detail about because they aren’t my details to reveal but suffice it to say I got to see some very interesting things. I assisted Ron in topping. We were using crops and got into a rhythm with them. I enjoyed that. I found it so interesting that I could enjoy it because I’ve never really enjoyed topping before but for some reason, with Ron, I can co-top with him and enjoy it. I don’t feel like I am the one in control, it is his scene. Nor do I feel like I am topping from the bottom. I did enjoy making the person go “ouch!” though. Guess I have a slight sadistic streak in me afterall. LOL

I got to see a vampire glove used, which made some really great marks! Of course blood was involved from the needles, vampire glove and straight razor. The sight of the blood on white skin was fascinating! I really enjoyed the reaction of the person these things were being done too as well. After about 45 minutes of this play Simi wanted to show me how a cross gets done in between the breasts. She kept saying my breasts were perfect for a cross in the cleavage area. I was scared of putting one there though because she had also said that putting needles in areas where there is less padding between the skin and the underlying bones can hurt more, like over the clavicles. I do not have a whole lot of padding between my sternum and skin. So Ror did one on her first. It looked very pretty I have to admit. Then Ron spoke up and said I was not symmetrical in that I needed a cross on the left breast, and one in the middle. Ror likes to make his needle work very symmetrical and calls it artistic. I have to admit that it looks beautiful. So, Ron spoke and I sat down again. But before we could start on that Ron layed me down. He wanted to put a needle in me. He chose my thigh for his first needle attempt. I am guessing it was because my thigh has more padding than my chest (other than my breasts I mean) does. Simi told me to hold still because it would hurt more if I moved. I got scared because I couldn’t see what he was doing and I have very sensitive inner thighs. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to take it, but I did. He went slow, which simi told me later makes it hurt more , but he managed to put the needle through my thigh. It wasn’t too bad, it did hurt more than the ones on my chest, but not so bad that I felt I needed to tell him to stop. When it first broke the skin I panicked. I wriggled a bit (all but my right leg since he was piercing that one LOL) and grabbed the headboard. I forced myself to calm down and breathe deep. Simi reminded me to breathe through it and asked if I was ok. All I could do was nod. It did hurt and it hurt a lot. But I felt it break the skin the second time and I knew it was in place. He let me sit up and I stared at the needle. I was amazed that there was one in my thigh. I know it sounds silly because there were 10 in my breasts so it isn’t like this was a shock or anything, but all the same I found myself just as amazed by that one as I was by the ones in my breasts. LOL It hurt though, so I asked if I could take it out and Ron said I could. So I took that one out. Then I faced Ror. (I may not have the exact order of everything correct, but I think I’m at least close)

I couldn’t bare to look when he put the first one in between my breasts. I was again afraid it would hurt too much for me to take. So I looked away instead. Ron wasn’t holding my hand this time, instead he had clipped my wrist cuffs together. I’m guessing it was to keep me from getting my hands in the way but I’m not sure. Though it could have been because he likes to see me cuffed. Anyway, Simi was talking to me and I kept staring at the needles that were between her breasts. The first one did not hurt that bad, but it did hurt more than the needles in the fleshier part of my breasts themselves. The second one, which went under the first, did not hurt as badly when it first pierced the skin, but did hurt more as he moved it under the first one then brought it up and out the other side. The pain faded real fast and I found myself staring at the needles between my breasts, once more amazed that I had taken it without screaming or anything. Ror then put a third cross on the side of my left breast. This one was a little higher than the one on the right side, and a little closer to my side than the rounder part of my breast. It did hurt. That one had me saying ouch. Once the needles were in though, the pain did subside. It did continue to “sting” for a while though.

Ron released my wrists and I went to place my hands behind me and put my weight on them, and that stretched the skin of my chest and pulled at the needles between my breasts. OUCH! I stopped doing that real fast!! LOLOL Ror took some pictures of my breasts once all the needles were in place. I have to admit it looked very pretty and was quite symnmetrical with balancing ladders and crosses. I liked it. They stayed in about 5 more minutes (I think it was 5 it may have been more or a little less) then I asked to remove them. Ror removed the left cross first, both needles at the same time I think. Then he took the ones from between my breasts, and I know he did those both at once. Then he took the ladder off my left breast. I thought he would do those 1 at a time but he didn’t. He took all four at once and I dind’t even realize it. I was talking to simi and ayli I think. I looked down and all four were gone. I was quite surprised because I hadn’t felt any pain when they came out. Ron took the ladder off my right breast, and did all four at once. Again it didn’t really hurt at all. Then the cross on the right was removed. I bled a little but not a lot. Which was slightly disappointing but not too much. Simi figured I would bruise because the needles were in for so long. But when I woke up this morning, there were no bruises. I’m not surprised. I tried telling her I don’t bruise easily but I don’t think she believed me. Instead of bruises I have these really neat little sets of red scabs. Looks like . . in four rows for the ladders and in a square almost for the crosses. I like the marks ;)

I am feeling rather excited, happy and high today still. I really enjoyed needle play. Simi and Ror gave Ron a box of 22 guage needles so I think we’ll be doing needle play ourselves. Ron feels comfortable in doing them, and I feel comfortable with him doing them. Though we cant do anymore until after my doctor’s appointment. If it was a civilian doctor I wouldn’t care, but with my doc being a military one I don’t think having those marks on my body would be a good idea. LOL

I was very happy with how I handled needles. I did not get into sub space but I found myself feeling just as happy without it. It was because Ron was so pleased with it. He is exercising his sadistic side and I’m enjoying that a lot. I get a great deal of personal pleasure in knowing I’ve made him happy or proud somehow even if it’s by wriggling and going “ouch” because he wants to see me do that. I get a big kick and emotional high off of making him happy and pleasing him. I also like that he is exericising his sadistic side because I do have a masochistic side. There are times I want to play but I don’t want sub space, I want the pain. I want to feel the pain, but not just because I want to feel the pain but because my partner (specifically Ron) wants to hurt me. I guess a better way of wording that is I crave pain play at times without benefit of sub space because I know that Ron enjoys it when I wriggle and go “ouch” sometimes. By taking that pain I please Ron, and that makes me feel good. I’m not sure how to explain the rest of my thoughts/feelings on that point so I’m not going to try this is already a disgustingly long entry! LOL

After all the play was over we all talked for a little while longer before finally going to bed at 4AM or so. Lol

We spent today talking and enjoying each other’s company again. I really had a great time with simi and Ror’s visit. They are wonderful people and a lot of fun :)

Well that’s about it for now.

2001-04-13T22:40:00.000-05:00

Testing

2001-03-02T23:20:00.000-06:00

I have been ordered to blog. So there, I've blogged. happy now sonja honey?? giggle

Well tonight was great. Kimmie and I went to a movie and had a blast. We even went to the book store and bought some books. It was real nice to get out of the house for a while and relax. We bought a few new books. It's really nice to have more than three authors I enjoy reading now. I'm trying a new book that I read about in Time Magazine called "THe Bonesetter's Daughter" by Amy Tan. She wrote the joy luck club. Anyway, Time did an article on the author and a review of the book. The article focused a lot on the new book and it sounded real good. Very interesting and something that would make my mind start working on many different levels. It focuses on the relationship between mothers and daughters with lots of other focuses as well. That is something that I sometimes wonder about as well, my relationship with my adoptive mother, my bio mother and my daughter's relationship with me. I've wondered at times what my daughter would remember most about me and what would affect her the most. I started it and so far I like it but it's a "thinking book". Reading it is going to require me to think, or inspire me to think and tonight I'm more in the mood for a story to entertain me. One I don't have to think about while reading it. So I started one of the other books we bought.

We saw "The Family Man" with Nicholas Cage tonight. It was very good. I enjoyed it. The ending left alot to the imagination which is good in some ways but not good in others. In so much as people (myself included) often look at movies to tell an entire story wihtout any loose threads, this movie doesn't do that. It made it fairly obvious what would happen but it wasn't a certainty. Thinking about it now, I kind of liked the ending the way it was. But the best thing about the whole movie was there were no kids with us! Wooo hooo!! I enjoyed myself. Kimmie did too so that is good. She needed to get out of the house for a while. The three of us are supposed to go to the movies tomorrow night to see Cast Away. I have been wanting to see that. The previews looked good and I like Tom Hanks, so hopefully I'll like this movie too.

Well that's really all I can think of right now.

2001-02-23T23:30:00.000-06:00

Sam came home a week ago. She is doing alot better now. Prosecution has been dropped and that relieved her alot. Which, in the area of her mind and feelings, I suppose this is a good thing. I feel sad that Dennis won't pay for molesting his daughter because the damage he caused has been so hard to repair. Part of me is angry about this, not at Sam but at the situation that has allowed a child rapist to go free. The laws in Mass really suck. They have a law on the books that allows prosecution without the child testifying if they are mentally incompetent (dead or otherwise incapacitated) and they can't use it because of the constitution of that state. Not the US Constitution but the Mass one. Really goofy that they even managed to pass laws that are basicaly useless to them. It pisses me off. I am trying to let go of it and just focus on giving Sam as much help as I can so that she will finish healing and get on with life but it isn't easy. I am not as angry as I was last week, so this is good.

Ron and I seem to be experiencing a growth spurt in our relationship again. He is taking more control and using it however and whenever he wants to. I am responding by being more submissive and service orientated. We've been discussing a lot of things like tick lists and punishments and communication and control. Tick lists are not for him, and that's good because I didn't really like it anyway. Punishment seems to be something that will probably disappear from the relationship because of a few different reasons, unless of course I really screw up! LOL He has removed any safeword from me and the ability to say no. He says I can say it, I can say anything I want, but he doesn't have to listen to it and can ignore it if he chooses to. Basically I can't tell him no. I can tell him I'm not in the mood and why I'm not in the mood, but he doesn't have to listen to it. I don't say no anyway unless I have a real good reason like having sex or playing would cause alot of pain in my back, not a little, but enough to land me in bed for a day or so. That is (to both of us) a good reason not to play or have sex. He told me that he has been exerting his control because he was too, feels a need to do so to satisfy himself, not to satisfy me. This is good and it is what I was waiting for. Alot of things were depending on my mood and he wouldn't exert his control unless he felt I was in the mood for him to do so. I understand his reasons for doing this and I have to agree with them. I am grateful that he cared enough about my well being to hold back until I had healed some more and was ready to have that control exerted regardless of my current "mood". He did not want to push too hard too fast and end up hurting me somehow. He wanted to make sure I was ready to submit more before pushing me. He knew, better than I did, how messed up I was after those 18 months in the west. I am grateful for his patience and understanding. Apparently the time has come to push me. He is doing it, and I am submitting to him more mentally and emotionally than I had been. This is good. I think it was his understanding of the situation and patience that allowed me to reach this point where I can submit mentally and emotionally as well as physically. I had begun to wonder whether or not I would reach this point again, whether or not I could trust anyone enough to do it again, but it seems I can and that is good :)

Well that's about all I can think of so I'll stop here.

2001-02-14T08:23:00.000-06:00

It's been a rough few days. Hectic and stressful. But such goes life I suppose. I haven't really been feeling myself since last Thursday night, though I did feel almost normal yesterday afternoon for a while, but it snapped last night. I haven't even been able to write in my journal. Thanks to the D.A. reviewing the case for my daughter, her memories were brought more into the fore front of her mind, and with them, the emotional pain. She has become depressed and all that stuff again. She was admitted to a local psychiatric hospital on Thursday night for suicidal ideation. Needless to say this really threw me for a loop. I had thought she was handling all of this so well, and dealing with it. But, she kept alot of her feelings and thoughts from me, out of fear that I would tell the D.A. to drop the case for good. She wants so badly to put that son of a bitch behind bars. She doesn't understand why I place her well being before putting him behind bars. I tried to explain it, but her response is she doesn't deserve to be cared about that much. Wheee..didn't that feel great? NOT. I've done all the right things for her, this time same as all the other times. Though suicidal ideation wasn't as big of a deal in the past, though (and I'm guessing it's because she is older) it has become part of her depression for the past year. I can't help feeling like all the progress she made in the past year, of which there is a great deal, is slowly slipping away. She started scratching her skin off her hand yesterday. So now we can add self abusive behavior to the list of symptoms. I had a treatment team meeting yesterday morning, and in there she was doing just fine. But between the time i left the meeting, and the time I came back to visit last night, she became intensely agitated, depressed, weepy, and had scratched some of the skin off her hand. It took the wind right out of my sails, let me tell you! I wanted to badly for all of this to be over, and I feel so guilty. Though everyone tells me it is not my fault, I'm not sure if i believe it or not.
I've found myself wondering yet again about that old saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" and I have to wonder if god is a sadist because he sure as hell has given me and Sam a lot more shit to deal with, and Sam isn't capable of dealing with it. She's been fighting these demons for 7 years now and is still as afraid of Dennis today as she was 7 years ago. It's very depressing and makes me wonder if she will ever really be okay again. I just don't know. I want a guarantee that she will heal. I want a date for when this should be done. I want my daughter back.

I got so used to the way she's been for the past 6 months. Calm, happy, peaceful. Slept fine. No depression. They'd cut her therapy down to once a month and were planning on cutting out the anti depressant medication in June 2001. She was co-operative and was obeying the rules of the house and all that stuff. She was feeling good about herself and seemed to be enjoying life again. And over the past month, the pain and the fear eroded alot of this and she's going backwards. I am so scared. What if she goes all the way back? I've been praying but I don't know if it will make a difference. Same as always though, I will be there for her and I will continue to try to help her both myself and through professional therapists and psychiatrists. Who knows, maybe this setback was neccessary for her to finally put "paid" to the whole thing. She is certainly having to face her fear. In tucson she faced mostly the emotional pain, and now she seems to be dealing mostly with an intense fear and some pain but nothing like when she was in Tucson. So it is possible that her healing is coming in stages. She takes a bunch of steps forward and when she reaches a place where she is doing well and has been for a while, she takes a couple steps back to pick up the healing process where she left off, and takes a bunch of steps forward again. repeat ad nauseum. I hope that's what this is, because then it may very well be that she is almost done. god I hope so.
Ron is being very supportive, which is nice. But i am finding it so hard to talk with him. All I want to do is be alone, read, or sleep. I am trying not to give into those feelings too much because it isn't good for me. I don't need to become clinically depressed as well. I will be getting a counselor for myself so I have someone to talk to about all of this that is not directly in the situation. Ron will listen, and understand most of what i say, but he is in the situation so that can make talking to him difficult for me. Not beacuse he doesn't want me to talk, or won't listen, but because i feel guilty for venting on him when I know this situation has him upset as well. I don't want to add to his upset, tension, stress level (pick terms) if I can help it. Though, I have been talking with him.

well I'm going to stop here.

2001-02-07T22:42:00.000-06:00

Gee I am getting so bad about this blogging thing. I was looking for some stuff that I wrote on rituals, I know I wrote a whole bunch of stuff after reading one of Robert Fulgham's books, but I can't find it now. I can't remember if it was in here, or on paper, it isn't in my journal though. It's weird. Oh well, maybe it's in the notebook where I was writing down rough outlines of articles I wanted to do, because I wanted it to be an article.
Ron leashed me to the bed last night and I slept that way, collared and leashed. He seemed to enjoy having me that way quite a bit. I must admit I liked it to. I locked the bedroom door so none of the kids could just walk in and see this. I remember at some point Ron took the collar off and stuffed it under my pillow, I think he was leaving for work, but I can't be sure.
Kyle was cranky as hell today, whining almost constantly. He wouldn't listen to anyone either. Yesterday he got a hold of about 7 raw eggs and cracked them all over the tv room floor. So we had to rent a carpet cleaner and today we shampooed the carpets. Took us most of the day and Ron and Jeff finished the dining room and tv room tonight. The carpets look so much better now!! They were downright filthy! My back is hurting pretty badly now, but I feel like I accomplished a great deal, which is good. Maybe tomorrow I will actually clean the bedroom. LOL
Well that's about it for now. Later.

2001-02-02T22:12:00.000-06:00

I don't really have a lot to blog about but I figured I better toss something up here before someone said "You need to blog raven!" LOL It's been a fairly quiet week around here. Ron is sick, no fun there that's for sure. Kimmie and I got a cold but it seems to be over for us and was only a couple of days. So far, thankfully, the kids haven't gotten sick so that's good. I figured Kyle would get sick, but he didn't and boy am I glad of that since he gets cranky as hell when he is sick. I've been reading alot this week, enjoying books that I've read before. I still like the stories though, so that's good. I've done alot of work on the cross stitch for mizu and Qryz, the main part is almost done, just have one rose left and a couple of leaves. Then I get to backstitch it, add the speciality stitches and the beads (if I can find them at Michael's) and it will be done. The funny thing about cross stitch is it seems I have to be in the mood to do it, and if I'm not, I just don't bother with it. Lazy I suppose. Or maybe it's boredom. I don't know. I do enjoy cross stitching and I love the complicated designs because you get a real sense of accomplishment when you finally finish them. And they look so beautiful! Who knows maybe one of these days I will actually complete one for myself LOL I've done a bunch for other people and given them away as presents, but the one I started for myself is half way done and I just keep putting it aside to do projects as gifts. I guess it's just an extension of how I tend to put other people before myself. Well I'm tired, so I'm going to go to bed. Night.

2001-01-25T21:57:00.000-06:00

Today has been a quiet day. I didn’t sleep very well until about 8AM, then I think exhaustion finally took over. I managed to complete the changes to the discussion section of the web site. All of the discussion pages are updated and linked to templates with the exception of the main page and the two pages giving log information for 1999 and 2000. I have decided that I will move the discussions back to Sunday nights. Thursdays are just too hard for me. I am too tired by the end point of the week to want to start and host a discussion. With 4 kids and a house to take care of, I just don’t seem to have the energy for them. However, on the weekends, when the housework becomes Ron’s (by his preference) I don’t feel so worn out and am better able to run a discussion.

I am a lot calmer than I was when I blogged last night. I know my panic reaction was inappropriate, not with Ron, but in general. I guess I wasn’t expecting Sam to cry like that, or react that way this quickly. Especially when we don’t know for sure if they are going to prosecute or not. We hope they prosecute, but there is no guarantee that they will. I guess I have lost my old coping mechanisms, though they probably weren’t very healthy either. Mostly I shut off the emotions I couldn’t deal with, in order to remain calm as much as possible. I would fall apart from time to time, in private, and cry or vent in my journal. What finally soothed my mind enough that I could lay down and try to sleep was some poems. I wrote about 7 of them, 3 of which I thought were pretty good. Sometimes releasing the emotions through poetry is such a major relief to me, but I can’t always do it. Often the words just won’t come like I need them to. That’s ok, I have another outlet that I treasure the most, and that means a great deal more to me. I have Ron. Someone to talk to about it all and lean on, knowing he will be there for me. I also have Kimmie and her support, which is invaluable. Neither Sam nor I are alone in this and that makes things a lot easier to handle.

Ron wrote in my blog last night, some very nice things I might add. The situation he describes is not something I view as weak. Screaming, yelling and beating Tony up would not have done any good and only made the situation a lot worse. Ron has a great deal of self control over the outward showing of his emotions, mostly he controls the outward appearance of anger and/or rage. He is not so controlling of feelings of happiness, love, joy, peace, and things like that. Personally, I think being able to control oneself when enraged is a good thing. It is far too easy to not think before speaking when one is talking from a viewpoint of pure anger only. Any situation is merely made worse. It’s not that he doesn’t feel the emotion; he just doesn’t let it control his behavior. This makes it a lot easier to trust him and in my opinion makes him a better man. Now, I have that strength to draw upon in this situation and that alone gives me some inner balance and peace. It’s nice to have that foundation.

2001-01-25T02:33:00.000-06:00

*smiles*

I will be there for you my Lady.......and for you...a small sample of my strenght....or weakness.....depends on how you look at it......

There was an afternoon a few years ago....just a few days after the custody battle...that Rose and Tony came to the house to see Rachel.....and when Nathan came out to say hello Rose brushed him off....They were out in the front yard......Rose at that time refused to come into this house....Nathan was hurt and upset by his Moms dismissal of him and went to his room.....So I went out and sat on the front step.....just to be there.....Rachel went inside after a bit and Rose spewwed a bit of her vemon at me.....Saying something to the effect that I didnt have to come outside and ruin thier visit with Rachel......At that moment I wanted nothing more than to kill them both...I would have given anything to do so....but I just sat there......told them that I came out there to tell Rose that she had hurt Nathan baddly......and I was upset that she could do such a hatefull thing to her son....I said this in a total calm voice.....sitting there and smoking a cigar....And Tony looked at me with this face so lacking in comprehension that it was pitiful...and said...."Your upset?,,,,,you sure dont show it" ....to which I smiled....Looked him in the eyes and said....."No actually right now I am enraged......I would cheerfully choak the life out of you both.....but that wouldnt do anything good for the kids would it?.....Rose just gapped at me like a fish out of water and said "Your so cold......its like your dead already.......and I nodded....."I just cant see how letting my anger show would do anyone any good.....not the kids,.....not me....not even you....Frankly your not worthy of my emotion",,,**OK I am paraphrasing a lot here..this was like a 5 minute conversation.....at one point Tony said something like come on down off your step and do something about it....and I said that the momentary pleasure of kicking his ass wasnt worth the trouble of talking to the police about why I did it....or talking to my superviosr...or my commander.....or anyone else for that matter......

So take this for what its worth....was a just too weak to let myself explode like I wanted to......afraid of what might have happened?.....or was a strong enough to keep my head....its something I have debated several times over the years.....I know I am not afraid of the possiblity of getting my ass kicked by Tony.....he isnt strong enough or big enough to do me that much harm......I am afraid that if we had come to blows that I would have killed him....and even a slime ball like him doesnt deserve to die for what amounts to adding Roses infidelity.....does he.....now Sam's dad is another matter entirely....but fortunately he is not close enough that I have to resist that temptation very often.....

Just depend on this.....that the strenght and restraint I showed that day is yours now.....I am strong inside........and I shall be standing with you and with Sam...each day......*grins*...and if I start pulling away....I am sure you can find someway of letting me know I am getting too far away.....like a blog....or a journal....or a whisper while cuddling......

I Love You

Ron

2001-01-25T01:45:00.000-06:00

It’s been an interesting few days. I have Dreamweaver, versions 3 and 4. It is a program that helps make web pages, but also does a great deal towards maintaining the site. It means I am going to have to do some major overhauling on the pages to get them ready for dreamweaver maintenance, but that’s ok. It will make site wide changes a whole lot easier! If I need to change an email address all I have to do is change the templates and the program will change every page associated with that template. It will keep track of the last days a file was edited and automatically try to upload newer pages than what are on the remote server. It will also make a great deal of other things easier such as adding roll over images, forms, and more!

I got a call yesterday from the chief of the child abuse unit for the district attorney’s office in Massachusetts. I went over everything with him, especially the reasons I felt they were making an unfair decision about not prosecuting Sam’s case. He had to agree with me that the excuse of “it’s too complicated” is a cop out, that they don’t want to do the work on a complicated case. He had to agree that Sam deserves the right to seek justice if at all possible. He had to agree that their job is to prosecute criminals who abuse or neglect children. He had to agree with a lot of what I said. He did tell me he was not personally familiar with the case, but that he would review the case file himself and decide whether or not to move forward with prosecution. He said he would get back to me by the close of business on Friday. This may mean that I have to bring Sam back to Mass for another interview, and that the outcome of that interview will decide it so they do prosecute. It may mean that he feels the case is not winnable, though even he said that if I was giving him accurate facts, the case is very much winnable. I told him there is medical evidence from two separate doctors backing up my daughter and that all her psych files state clearly that Sam’s resultant mental problems were a direct result of having been raped by her father. I also told him that those records will show that Sam has remained quite consistent about her disclosures over the past 6 years, giving the same details over and over to her therapists. He basically agreed that this is all very damning evidence in a trial and would be enough, without her testimony to get a conviction, but coupled with her testimony would almost guarantee a conviction. So now I find myself hoping that they will prosecute. That Sam will finally get the justice she deserves. I also find myself very afraid. Afraid of the pain, disruption and tension this will cause. Afraid that I might not be strong enough to see her through this. Afraid that she might lose and he will be found not guilty even though I don’t think he will let it go to trial since he didn’t let a case that was one kid’s word against his, without medical evidence and with 5 prior years of lies from the child that it did not happen, go to trial. He copped a plea instead. Dennis is a chicken shit when push comes to shove.

Sam, of course, has been a bit tense since we discussed the phone call and what it might mean. I thought it was school stuff bothering her. I guess I have gotten very used to her being “ok” again because I didn’t even think that it could be the phone call and possible trial upsetting her. I feel dumb for that because I should have realized what was making her snippy and tense. Tonight she came to me, crying. She said she was so scared, and remembering it hurt her so much. I held her, let her talk and soothed her as best I could. She said that despite the fear she wants to continue to move forward. I told her that I also am scared, but I didn’t break down. God I wanted to just curl up somewhere and cry for hours, hide, pretend none of this ever happened, but I can’t do that and I know it. Instead I have to be her rock, her support. I have to remain calm as much as possible in front of her. I have to listen to her, soothe her, hold her and be there for her. If I fall apart she will not be able to do this. I know she is a very strong kid. I believe in her. But I also know she will need all the support she can get during this whole thing, especially if it goes to trial. I want to see this man pay for raping his own daughter, but I am so worried that I am not strong enough to deal with the tension this will cause. Maybe I too am panicking a bit, hell I probably am. Especially since I don’t know if they will prosecute or not. I also worry about my relationship with Ron. This is not going to be easy, it will take a lot of my time and concentration. I know Ron is a patient and understanding man. He is very supportive. But I fear that this will put too much stress on the two of us and tear us apart. Situations like this are not easy to live through, and they take a toll on everyone involved. I’m going to need him. His strength, love, and support to survive this. To help me be strong for my daughter I’m going to need him to listen to me and support me. I will of course do the same for him. When all of this first happened in 1993, it was the death blow to my marriage at the time. We just could not over come the pain and the guilt each of us felt and my then husband pulled away from me. Rather than going closer to one another for the support we needed, we both ended up dealing with it as best we could on our own. Neither of us did a very good job of it either. So this experience puts the fear that this will tear Ron and I apart deep inside me. I want so badly to believe that the strength our relationship has had for the past 5 years, and the strength we have now will be strong enough to keep us together through this. Part of me does believe this but I’m not sure if that is just the naive part of me, or if it is my instincts. Ron and I have handled a lot of things together, many of them painful and stressful. We did it by being there for one another and talking to each other. Leaning on each other as needed too. I hope we can continue to do this through this problem too.

If Sam reverts too much from this, I will put a stop to it. I’m hoping she won’t but I figure I best be prepared for the worst that way I won’t be overly shocked if the worst occurs. I have to mentally gear myself up for the same hell I lived with for 6 years from her. The tantrums, arguments, disobedience, attitude, nightmares, tears, and all of it. I figure if I gear myself up to deal with her absolute worst, I will be more readily prepared to deal with whatever does happen. I do think she has healed to a point where the absolute worst will not happen, though I have no delusions that this will be easy. This will be one of the hardest experiences her and I have to go through. But I think the end result will be very much worth every single tear shed throughout it if that bastard goes to jail. I think if he does go to jail, she will finally stop feeling that little nagging doubt that she somehow deserved his abuse and that small bit of guilt she still carries within her. For him to go to jail will be absolute proof that he was the one who was wrong, not her. That he was the one who screwed up, not her. But I am so scared. Scared for her, for myself, for my family and for my life. Part of me wants to kill Dennis. Part of me wants to just forget he exists. It is very confusing and I don’t like such emotional roller coasters.

It was so very hard to soothe Sam tonight. I did it right, and I succeeded, I know that. But it hurt me to see her crying over this again, to see the pure pain on her face and the fear in her eyes. She is so young. She is only 12 years old, even though sometimes she seems so much older. It’s at her most vulnerable times that one can very clearly see she is still a child and still needs the loving support of her family. She wrote me a note later telling me she loves me and thanking me for listening to her. I wrote back to her thanking her for talking to me and telling her again that she is strong. She seems to be ignoring all the successes she has already had, dismissing them I suppose because they are in the past, so they are not as fresh in her mind. I reminded her that she has already come a long way and has already succeeded over so many painful things. Telling her again that she is very strong, and that she has my full support at all times.

Ron and I talked afterwards and I told him my fears. I told him what I was expecting as far as the worst case scenario went, and as far as what I truly thought would occur taking into consideration the great progress Sam has made. He told me what I can expect if he gets over stressed and needs a break. I already know that he is pretty good at telling me how he will react in given situations, and so far he has always acted the way he said he would. The things he said he would do for that “break” (like walk around the mall for a little while, or go to a friend’s house and blow off steam) are all things I can easily deal with and not feel abandoned or anything else. Just so long as he doesn’t withdraw from me and refuse to talk to me about what is bothering him at all, or refuse to discuss the situation under any circumstances (which I seriously doubt will happen) we should be ok. I know he loves me and I love him. We work hard to keep our communication alive and working well. We have yet to have a real fight, which is great too! I think that has a lot to do with the fact that we can talk to one another and resolve things before they become so intense or stressful that one of us blows up. (Though I don’t think Ron blows up because he almost never yells, no matter what is going on.)

Sam mentioned being afraid of doing this trial thing, and feeling like she is betraying her family because “This is my dad. My flesh and blood. Though he was wrong, and is a bad person, I can’t get it out of my mind that he is my father” I can understand that, and for her, this must be one of the most difficult aspects of the whole thing. He is her father, and despite everything he has done to hurt him, there is a part of her that still loves him just because of who he is. That has to be so very confusing and painful all by itself. All I could tell her was that I realized that and I understood how hard it is to stand up to one’s parents, but that in this case, she is doing the right thing. I also told her that if she truly felt she couldn’t do this (not just a momentary panic outbreak of fear talking) that I would put a stop to it. That I would not be at all disappointed in her or angry with her. I’m not sure why, but that seemed to really calm her down and she told me that she didn’t really want to stop prosecution if they choose to go forward, but that she is scared. So we talked about fear for a while, and pain, and a bunch of other stuff. She did a lot more of the talking than I did, which is the way it needs to work. But she calmed down a great deal, even smiled as she hugged me and thanked me. God I love this kid so much! I am so proud of her. She has dealt with so many things a kid should not have to deal with, and overcome so many obstacles in her young life. I just wish she could readily see her own strength and see just how great of a person she truly is. Maybe this final act of dealing with her father will help her to see that.

Please God let us make it through this and let justice be done. Please. After all these years, give Sam the justice she deserves.

She asked me how a person knows what is the right thing to do. I told her that most of the time the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do as well but that once it is done, a person will be glad they did it no matter how hard it was. This, sadly, is the truth. It seems that people are the most satisfied with themselves when they have achieved something that was very difficult to achieve, worked hard to get something they wanted or to succeed in their lives. The hardest fought battles bring the most complete satisfaction. Again I reminded her of the many things she has already successfully fought. Telling her that what she has already gone through was the worst part, and it was. Facing the memories, the intense pain, the soul deep fear and the mind numbing dissociation were all so very difficult for her. Recovering her self esteem and a larger belief in his being wrong than in herself was a completely uphill battle that she won. Realizing that despite the pain she has lived through, life was still worth living and succeeding it was hard for her. Learning to open up and love people, and let them love her without all her fear based anger defense mechanisms (fighting, attitude, rudeness..all designed to push people away so she couldn’t get emotionally hurt again) were extremely difficult to repair. Learning to trust again was hard. Learning to see the good things in life, and in herself was hard. Talking, in detail, about the things he did and how it made her feel was extremely difficult. All of those things combined are a lot harder to do than testifying. I reminded her that she had the same fear reaction when she prosecuted that kid in school for touching her inappropriately all the time and that she still managed to do it. That she remained calm even when the kids attorney accused her of misplacing her memories of her father onto this boy’s shoulders and responding with a calm “that’s not true” instead of immediately yelling at the lady or attacking her. Basically reminding her that she has testified in court before, and that she succeeded then. I told her very clearly that testifying again will not be as difficult as all the healing she has had to do. She had to agree when I listed all of that and more, that she has faced some very difficult things and that she has succeeded. Again I told her that to be scared is normal and expected and it’s ok. She was so grateful. When she left the room, I wanted so badly to just break down and cry. To scream..throw things, break something. Anything. Lose it completely. But I didn’t. I couldn’t because I knew she was still awake and she would hear and that if she did hear it, she would lose confidence in my ability to support her. Even now, a few hours later, my mind is still jumping from point to point, my heart still beating fast, and tears still brimming in my eyes. The thought “I can’t do this!” keeps forming in my head over and over. Though I logically know this is fear based. It’s not that I can’t do it, it’s that I am afraid to do it. I am afraid. God I hate being afraid. I am also so very angry! Angry that it took this long to even get someone to review her case carefully and without bias. Angry that she absolutely has to take the stand if it goes to trail because Mass is a backwards state. Angry that it happened. Angry that he has gotten away with it for 6 years. Angry that I was stupid enough to listen to the so called professionals when he started hounding for visitation after not seeing her for a year and a half. Even angrier that the court gave it to him and I was dumb enough to go along with it. Angry that it ever happened. Angry that he would do this to his own child. Angry that she has so much pain inside her. Angry that she had to live with this kind of pain. Angry that she lost her innocence at 5 years old. Angry that she stopped looking at the world with that wide eyed child’s amazed view when she was 5. Angry that her life has not been everything I had hoped it would be. I wanted so badly for her to be happy, and to grow up normally without being touched by such violence and pain. I wanted her to never have to deal with serious self doubts, suicide thoughts or anything else. But none of that happened. It was torn from her when she was 5 and her father thought it would be OK to have sex with her. Where the fuck did he ever get that idea? What a sick bastard! I once said that it was as if he had killed her, and it was. The child she was disappeared. She was replaced with this terrified, pain wracked wreck who couldn’t sleep, think or feel safe enough to go outside. Who couldn’t believe she was worth anything at all. For years she fought those demons, fought the nightmares, and she almost lost. It was that almost losing that gave her the courage she needed to finally face it all and heal it, to get on with her life and stop living in the past. To stop hiding. I am so very proud of her.

Mostly though, I am so very scared of what the near future will bring. If they prosecute, which I honestly hope they do, my life (and hers) is going to get so much more complicated and stressful. I just hope I am strong enough to deal with this. Please God give me the strength to help my daughter through this, please.

Ok I have to stop here before I lose my mind. I need to go do something else and concentrate on something else before I start obsessing over it and find myself unable to function or think about anything but all of this. It is truly a terrifying thing to face when one is facing placing their own child on a witness stand to prosecute their own father for rape.

2001-01-17T21:02:00.000-06:00

I find myself thinking about the difference between a submissive and a slave. Everyone defines things so differently that it is so often confusing to the new people who are just learning about the lifestyle. People have a desire to describe themselves in as few words as possible, yet in BDSM that is impossible because of the fact that many people take the terms and just change the definitions to fit whatever they want it to. I do not understand the need to do this, though I suppose it could be because they like a particular word, or any other number of reasons. Anyway, a slave is very different from a sub, whether people wish to admit it or not. There is a difference in how a slave thinks, acts, expects and submits. A slave tends to think more along the lines of black and white. There is very little shades of gray. They do not seem to expect much leeway in the reaction of their dominant. By this I mean, if a slave is feeling ill and thus doesn't complete all their usual daily tasks, often they will expect the dominant to react with the usual punishment. A submissive may be more inclined to expect leniency from the dominant because they were ill. A slave thinks in terms of being owned, not submitting. To them, being in a collared relationship means they are owned, and often this translates into the statement that they do not have the "right" "choice" or "option" to walk out if the relaitonship goes bad. Also there is a level of acceptance of the dominant's behavior that seems alot more intense and widespread than many submissives would allow. For example, a dominant wants to bring in a third. A submissive may demand certain criteria be met before they allow ( yes, allow) such to occur, whereas a slave may say "It is not up to me, if this is what Master wants, so be it" and quietly accept this new change. To somet his kind of thought process is considered wrong or somehow brought out by abuse, but this is not neccesarily true. A slave thrives on the fact, absolute fact, that they literally have no control over the rlationship or what will occur within it, whereas a submissive often retains some level of control in the relationship. The thought process focuses solely on what would make the master/mistress happiest and how the slave can be most pleasing to them. Subs tend to think of themselves and their own pleasure in addition to the that of their dominant, slaves work very hard to put themselves second in all the things and their owners first. To them, this is what comes wiht being a slave and submitting completely.

A slave acts differently from a sub as well. If you listen to slaves talk about their behavior, they often speak of being quietly accepting, in control of themselves at all times, formal, and other such things. There seems to be more focus on how the slave behaves at any given moment, with less leeway. In many slave relationships, the slave is required to use an honorific at all times, and couldn't conceive of calling their master/mistress by any other name. Most slaves find yelling, tantrums, fits, or any other out of control behavior on the part of a slave to be reprehensible and deserving of severe punishment. Slaves put alot of emphasis on their behavior and how they react to their dominant. They hold themselves to a high level of self control. They require of themselves to have a pleasing demeanor as much as possible. They see no room for bratting behavior, any form of topping from the bottom, or any other form of manipulating the dominant. They look down on any behavior that is perceived as designed to force the dominant to meet a need of the slave, rather than the slave focusing on the dom's needs. A slave will strive for perfection from themselves in completing all the tasks their master/mistress gives to them, while still keeping an eye out for things that they were not specifically told to do, but think would please their owner if they did them. A slave is required to be very self sufficient and capable because they often have a lot of responsibility placed on them. Slaves often feel that a slave should not need to be micro managed by their dominant because this is not pleasing, unless of course the dominant likes to micro manage.

A slave's expectations from the dominant and the relationship are often very different from those of a submissive. A slave does not expect to have their desires met beyond their basic life supporting neccessities. When their dominant does do something for them, they see it as a gift, not a neccesity. Slaves tend to view things that many submissives expect in a relationship, as a luxury not a neccesity. This does not mean that a slave will accept being abused or treated like they are worthless, it just means they do not expect all the trappings that others expect from their relationships. (such as cuddling on demand, talking whenever the slave wants to talk, sleeping in a bed etc)

A slave submits differently from a submissive as well. Slaves will set no limits on their dominant's activities. They will not say that the dominant can't do a certain type of play or use a specific implement. They may tell the dominant that they do not like certain activities or implements but they do not ban the dominant from using/doing those things. They expect to be asked to do things they may not particularly like and they consider it as part of submission beacuse to them, submission is not about pleasing the slave, but about pleasing the dominant.

well I've lost my train of thought. Oh well..that's the closest I've gotten to this article in the last year. Maybe some day I will actually be able to finish it. Wouldn't that be nice.

Today was a good day overall. I did alot of housework, which is probably why my back is singing ava maria. But I feel like I accomplished something, so that is good. I played with Kyle for a while, and he really liked that. I did some research into what Nathan asked for for his birthday, and found the places where the stuff can be bought. I talked with the girls. Ate dinner, and got all the laundry done. Balanced the check book and did some cross stitch. Same old thing as yesterday I suppose. I didn't sleep well again last night, my back woke me up around 3 AM or so. Of course, Ron was awake and well we did the rabbitt thing again. I wonder if that is what is making my back hurt so much lately, all that sex? Who knows and I don't care if it is, I'm not giving it up. I enjoy it too much. I gues ROn is right and I am a slut, but he likes me that way so that's good.

2001-01-16T22:26:00.000-06:00

The last couple of days have been better. We don't have the 3 yr old anymore which is actually a major relief to me. I like the kid, but boy does it ever increase the stress level to have two children under 5 in the same house! I was extremely offended by Rose's insistence that the boy be brought home to her beacuse she felt I would take my dislike of her out on the boy. I am not that shallow or cruel. But she can think what she wants. honestly, I think she is just trying to hurt Ron if she can. Apparently she gets into these cycles where she starts to feel guilty for everything she did in her marriage with Ron and apologizes to him. This apology is usually followed by some sort of blow up, within a week, that ends with her not speaking to Ron. So Ron's guess is that this shit with the 3 yr old is Rose's blow up since she apologized for everything she did wrong to him on New Year's Eve. I guess it is going to take me a while to get used to her cycles. Personally I just don't understand this woman, probably because I can't be that mean or manipulative, especially not to my kids.

Ron and I have done the rabbitt thing the last week. The space that had come between us while I was away is gone again, and we are once again talking easily, cuddling, flirting and all that. Back to normal, and it feels good. I had started to get very worried, but thankfully the space went away. Ron did explain how he was feeling that was causing him to be just a bit distant from me. I do understand those feelings, and have had similar feelings myself. But understanding it did not erase the nervousness that the space caused me to feel. Ron, of course, understood my nervousness. It is really a major relief to be in a relationship with someone who understands things as much as he does. Someone that does not accuse me of being irrational or stupid or any other number of things because my thoughts/knowledge does not always match my emotions. Ron knows that one can know mentally how something is, yet still feel differently anyway. He understands and accepts that emotions are not always logical and that they do not respond to logic sometimes. It's really nice to be in a relationship with someone who pushes me to be my best, while loving for me who I am anyway.

The kids are doing well and I for one feel alot better with Rachel here. She seems alot more relaxed here than she did when she was staying with her mom. I've found that I have gotten very protective of her adn that I love her very much. Her and I are growing closer. We talk alot and she tells me alot of stuff. I'm glad. :))

Somoene on icq today insisted on me sending them bondage pics of myself, which I told him I don't have any. He refused to believe me and started talking about how hard he was and stuff like that. I placed him on ignore so he went to the web site and sent me an email through the feedback form, telling me he wants the story of my first year as a submissive/slave. I did not respond. I get very uncomfortable with people like that. Why be so pushy? If someone says "no" why isn't that good enough anymore? I guess I just don't get it. I get online to talk to my friends and be friendly, not to cybersex people. Hell, I get jumped enough in real life that I don't need, desire or want cyber sex. It seems pointless to me somehow, real life is so much better. Though the request did get me to thinking about how my life has gone since I accepted Ron's collar. It has gone very well. Ron is not too strict with me, nor extremely lax. he lets me be myself including my sense of humor and brattiness. He enjoys both of those especially since they closely match his own and he loves sarcasm and verbal banter. He does not demand that I hide my intelligence, nor is he threatened by it. He does place rules on me, that I am expected to follow, within reason. He allows for some fluctuation due to my back, or the kids, but he does not allow me to just ignore those rules or blow off the tasks he sets for me. There are some rules that are not at all flexible and I know that. I know how far I can go and if I go further then I get in trouble. But I manage to keep to those limits fairly easily.

Today was a fairly quiet day. I did some laundry, cleaned the bedroom, paid the bills and tried to rest my back. I did not sleep well last night and was woken 3 or 4 times because my back was hurting and I had muscle spasms. So my pain level was fairly high today. I did alot of cross stitching today, and am hoping to get those ornaments finished within a couple of weeks. the designs are rather simple, and thus they are a bit boring so it is not as pleasant to stitch for long periods of time. The more complicated designs drive me nuts as well, but at least they are interesting to stitch. My friend Shelly told me that I stitch better than she does because the back of my projects are almost as neat as the fronts. Which is the way they are supposed to be. I can't say how hers look because I have only seen one of her projects and taht was years ago so I no longer remember what it looked like very clearly. I don't recall the back being real messy or anything. well that's about all I can think of tonight.

2001-01-13T22:16:00.000-06:00

Well tonight was not a real good night overall. Ron's ex went home from the hospital today and the kids went to visit her. Of course the 3 yr old went too, which was good I know he was missing his mom. Anyway, the kids all came here for the night. We ordered pizza which made all the kids happy. Then Ron left to do an inspection at work. While he was out he called his ex's house to see if she needed milk or anything, she said yes, he bought it and dropped it off over there. Thus ensued a conversation about custody of Rachel. Ron had informed the ex that he was taking custody of Rachel back because he no longer considered the ex's house safe for the child due to drinking and drinking while driving. I agreed with this decision for those reasons and the whole emotional manipulation crap the ex puts the kids through. Personally I find it completely deplorable. The ex brought the subject up in front of her mom and her sister who were there to help her, most likely figuring they would back her up or somehow intimidate Ron into backing down. Ron did not and repeated the drinking/driving reasons for taking custody back. (which is a simple matter since legally Ron is the custodial parent of both his kids and the custody arrangement was temporary pending the child's safety with her mom) The ex's wife and mom looked quite uncomfortable at this reason since they had no idea that the ex had been drinking while in the accident that broke her legs, though alcohol was not a factor in the accident and the ex was not cited for drunk driving though her car was impounded. Anyway, Ron then left and returned home. He walked in to find my trying to find out why my son had bit the ex's son. I spanked my son for biting and made him apologize. I knew however that my son had to have been pushed into biting because he just does not randomly bite for no reason anymore and has not done so in at least 4 months. Turns out the ex's son had punched my son in the back. Having misread the time (vcr clock said 8:30 and it is an hour off) I ordered that both kids could go to bed. I was tired of the whining, they both seemed very tired and were whiney and cranky. I figured a half hour extra sleep wouldn't hurt either one of them. Just as the phone range and it was the ex demanding that Ron return her son to her and citing that Rachel told her I hated her guts (which I do as a matter of fact, though the hate is a fairly recent thing that came about because of the drinking and driving thing, I have no tolerance for such irresponsibility at all) and that I yell all the time and stuff like that. Basically making me feel that she felt/said (through implication) her son would not be safe with me. I however, did not know if these were new "stories" being told my Rachel, or just a repeating of old stories Rachel told the ex months ago. Either way, I became extremely hurt and frustrated by this shit. I felt that we had bent over backwards for this lady, in more ways than one. We've accomodated her constantly changing work schedule, allowed extra visits with the kids, allowed the temp custody arrangement (thus her chance to prove herself a fit and safe parent, which she failed to do), and more. Ron is always trying to help her out. Yet this woman is never fucking satisfied. personally I think she is very pissed that Ron got involved with another woman and is trying to cause trouble in the relationship. I remember him telling me a couple times that she asked to come back to him, and once he even considered it for the sake of the kids. But he ended up telling her no. From this I feel that she wants him back, and is pissed that she didn't get it. Anyway, I felt very frustrated and very angry. Rather than be grateful that she had people willing to help her during her recovery (which will be at least 2 months in a wheelchair, crutches after that and probably physical therapy) so she doesn't lose her son to the state, she insults the people caring for her son and helping her out. Biting the hand that feeds her. Same shit from her, different day I suppose. It feels to me like every three weeks there are accusations against me that are being attributed to Rachel's mouth. I really don't know if she tells new stories, or if the ex just throws an old complaint at me, but it still hurts. I try very hard to get along with his kids, and be their friend. It is not easy because there are times when, as the adult, I feel it neccesary to discipline/correct them for something and I don't feel safe doing so because I never know how this story will get interpreted by their Mom or how it will get re-told to her. It makes me very afraid to do anything with his kids, even be friendly. But if I don't make overtures to be friendly, I get accused of ignoring them and favoring my own kids. I want so desperately to just tell this woman to fuck off, but I don't. Because, like Ron, I know she will hurt her kids if I do. She tells the kdis things that are total fabrications, in the attempt to make them dislike their father, or to gain their sympathy. Things like "Your dad took you from me for no good reason" which is not true. It's a very difficult situation for the kids and for Ron. Ron has done a great deal over the past 6 years to help his ex, in the interest of keeping the peace so the kids don't get "hurt", but his ex does not return any of this and the kids have come to expect this as the proper treatment from their dad to their Mom. Some of this helped Rachel keep alive the hope that her mom and dad would get back together, to the extent that the divorce still hurts as much now as it did when it first happened. This made for a hellacious mess when Ron and I announced we were going to get married. I don't know what to say or do with his kids anymore, and I am very afraid to do anything. It really angers me that their mother treats them this way. I could name alot of examples and I've only been here a short while, I'm sure there are alot more situations that I am not aware of because I was not physically here. Sometimes I want to just run away rather than fight this woman because it is not a fight I can win. In her Kid's eyes I automatically lose because I am not her, and if I argue with her it will be me who is wrong no matter who or what starts it. It is extremely hard being the step mom in this situation, and the kids don't exactly help. Ron says we will talk with Rachel tomorrow to find out if the stuff her mom is still saying is from recent stories or old accusations that I have already adressed. I do not yell anywhere near as much as I used to. In fact, I've only raised my voice twice this week. and not once was it directed at her. Once was to be heard over a screaming 3 yr old..the other at my daughter for going off the deep end over something that didn't really matter that much.

I try very hard not to get frustrated, but I can't help it sometimes. I just want to slap this woman. She has made it blatantly obvious since I got here that she does not like me, resents my prescence in her kids' life and all that. She has not been nice to me at all, and even went so far as to complain to her kids that i ignore her when she comes in the house. Which I wasn't doing. I would say hello, she never asnwered me, so I stayed away from her figuring that is what she wanted. She tells Ron tonight that she gets upset because this used to be her house and it is hard for her to see someone else (another woman, me) living in it as "their" house. I really believe that the ex wants Ron back, maybe not for who he is, but to be closer to her kids, I don't know for sure why, but I do believe I am right. I just which she would stop hurting her kids and making their lives so much more difficult than they have to be. Maybe I should slap the bitch.

Oh well. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. It will certainly be queiter without the 3 yr old here.

2001-01-11T12:04:00.000-06:00

It's been a hectic few days. We have an extra kid around the house this week, hopefully he won't be here much longer. It is a hell of a lot more work to have two children under 5 yrs old in the house. I finally got my luggage and spent time yesterday unpacking it all. Now I have extra clothes to wash, oh goody! Things still feel a bit "awkward" between me and Ron. I don't know for sure why but it's there. I think it might have to do with my having been gone for a week. That's long enough to start to adjust to my not being here, and now I'm back so maybe we're trying to get back into synch with each other. Or maybe we just need a good long intense play session. Who knows? I don't.

I finally got Dreamweaver to work for me and printed out the tutorial so I can do it without being connected to the net. It looks like this program will be a great deal of help to me in maintaining the web site. Now comes learning the darn program. LOL It shouldn't be that hard, I'm not exactly stupid, but sometimes new programs can be so intimidating. I really do hope it speeds up the time it takes me to update the site and makes it easier to manage it. HOpefully if it does these things, I will finally be able to work on my private site and get some of that stuff updated. I've wanted to add things to my personal site, like pics of me and my kids, but I haven't had much of a chance to do it yet.

I have decided to become active in the whole child abuse thing and see if I can't either force them to prosecute or change the laws so other parents do not get lied to like I did. It really pissed me off to find out taht I was being given lip service, and in turn lying to my daughter. I mean if they really didn't want to prosecute the case, why did they bother telling me they would? What a waste of my time and everything else.

I really can't think of much to blog about but I tried.

2001-01-08T23:39:00.000-06:00

It was and is very much evident Ron and I feel the same way, but I think that was pretty obvious too.

Well I finally made it back home. Home, what a wonderful word that is, and it is truly wonderful to finally have a place that I can not only call my home, but feel that it is completely my home. I have searched for a long time for a place that I could feel at home in, and now I have it. It's amazing though that one doesn't always realize when they have found what they are seeking until they are removed from the situation. By going to Mass to visit family for a week, I realized just how much being here meant to me, and just how good it felt to be here. Realized that I had indeed found my home. While in Mass I missed Ron and Kimmie and the kids so much. I felt kind of lost and very much alone. I did not like those feelings at all. I also realized that the only place I wanted to be was wherever Ron, Kimmie and the kids were. They are my family and my home.

I know the few blogs I put up while I was there probably didn't make much sense, but I didn't have a whole lot of time in which to blog without someone looking over my shoulder and reading what I was typing. And it surely is a bad move to be writing things that would only result in causing an argument if my parents read over my shoulder. Alot of the time I spent up there, I was feeling very confused and very tired. I had forgotten how exhausting and exasperating my parents can be. I got the usual lectures and insults that I have come to expect, and though they don't hurt me as much as they used to, they do still make me feel sad. For the first time, I defended myself to my father and he didn't like it much. However, he did finally stop judging me long enough to finally listen to my reasons for the actions he disaproved of so strongly. He had to admit that I made the best choices I could in those situations. That amazed me. What would have amazed me even more is if he actually apologized for the last couple years of insults and judgements, but I was not expecting one, and he did not disapoint me in that area. He did not apologize. He did however express understanding of the choices I made, but even that understanding was a half assed backhanded insult/compliment mix. I found that I have done some more growing up in that I no longer let them affect me as intensely as they used to. I find it easier to let things slide with them. I guess I have accepted them for who and what they are, and in so doing have reached a point where I no longer expect them to change. I can't change them, I can't change the way they think or their preconceptions, all I could change was my reaction to them, and I finally succeeded. Sure the insults and disaproval still saddened me, but they didn't make me feel like a complete failure or anything like they used to. That is good. I suppose that means I have grown more secure in myself and don't need their approval as badly as I used to need it.

My daughter was very well behaved while we were in Mass. She was polite, helpful, and just wonderful company. Her behavior gave me a sense of vindication with my parents. I've lived with their disaproval of me as a parent, and their verbal insults of my parenting skills for so long that it was very nice to hear them say that she is a good kid and is turning out very well. They didn't exactly attribute her growth or behavior to my parenting skills, but I sure as hell did! LOLOL I don't need them to say it, it was enough for me to see the look of shock on their faces and the comments about how good Sam was because I've waited a long time to hear them say those things. I know who helped her get to where she is, so I didn't need to hear them attribute it to me, but it sure felt good to see them having to compliment her instead of telling me how bad she was. I spent many years defending Sam to her grandparents, and it was certainly nice to not have to do that anymore and to have her behavior back up every defense I have ever had to speak for her. They complimented her to her face, and I took those as silent compliments to my parenting skills because quite simply she learned alot from me as her mother, and I know it.

The really weird part about being in Mass for a week was how quickly my mother tried to treat me like I was 10 years old again or something. And it sure as hell didn't work. We didn't argue about it or anything, but I just simply continued to behave in my normal manner. It was very interesting watching them try to bite their tongues and prevent themselves from giving me a bed time, or telling me to be home at a certain time when I went to visit my friends or any other number of things a parent does with thier children. I am sure it was just as awkward for them since I was the baby of the family, the youngest child. It must be difficult for them to see me as the adult I am now, when they still view me as their child. I tend to have that same viewpoint with my children. In this respect my mother was right, I do understand everything she's ever told me about being a parent, now that I am one.

Well that's about it for now.

2001-01-02T00:05:00.000-06:00

*smiles*

Guess all you want too my love....Me?....I know....you are my love....my friend....my soulmate....my life.....and I shall love you every day....till I pass from this world....and if I have any say about it....beyond that........I Love Thee....I Love Thee.............I Love Thee.....or was that not evident?

2001-01-01T23:41:00.000-06:00

I am amazed at how much imprinting occurs on a person from the environment they are raised in and the people who raise them. I have easily slipped back into the bostonian mindset while I've been here. All the little ways of protecting my belongings while at the local mall, wathcing carefully for someone following me, or checking the backseat of the car before getting in, all those things. And the same reactions, responses and thoughts going through me when my parents talk or behave in a familiar manner. The ability to tune out their incessant sniping at one another. The ability to ignore their insults, at least outwardly, and appear to be accepting "constructive criticism" or "parental concern" when inside all I want to do is scream at them for bieng so judgemental and narrow minded people who can't accept someone taht does not meet their exacting standards and expectations from one moment to the next. It's exhausting and so sad. I find myself sitting here, feeling the way I did when I used to sneak a late night phone call to one of my friends to just talk to someone who accepted me for who I am by sitting here after they are in bed in order to blog. to vent. Knowing that this blog can't possibly judge me, and simply accepts everything I type into it. It's a nice feeling, rather stabilizing.

I learned that my parents have been married for 42 years already. I can't believe it. They almost always seem to be complaining about one another, and picking at each other, yet they have been together for that long. Is that becuase they were raised to so strictly believe that marriage was forever, no matter what? or is it because complacency has set in after such a long time making them believe they could not possibly be happy with someone else, or can't even see themselves will someone else? or has such a long time together made them feel that they must stay together because it's a habit? God, those are really sad reasons to stay married, to stay living with someone for such a long time. Maybe I am overly romantic and expecting too much from a long term relationship. Weathering storms and dealing with the many ups and downs of living is something people MUST do in order to have a marriage last more than a couple years. Life is not all roses and chocolate, sweet and pretty. Life is hard, dirty and downright cruel at times. A marriage must be able to withstand both extremees that life dishes out. But does it mean that the love has to be lost? God I hope not. Maybe I am flighty and idealistic, searching for a relationship that will keep the love and intimacy even when it is 40 years old, but I hope I'm not. I've heard of relationships lasting that long where the love was still so evident that it brought tears to my eyes. That is what I want. A relationship that keeps the love, support, caring and intimacy no matter what life throws at us. Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever knows what they are doing, or is it all a guessing game? I don't know but I hope that it isn't all a guessing game, because I suck at those. LOL

2000-12-31T20:49:00.000-06:00

I'm visiting my parents this week. It's interesting to say the least. All the people I remember as little kids and babies are now 18 or 19 years old, or married with kids of their own. I've only been away for 5 years, but it's amazing how much time has actually passed. I got married at 18 years old and moved out of my parents house. Since then I've had very little interaction/contact with my relatives. My cousins that I used to visit every week when I lived with my parents are now married and both are mothers. The third cousin was just a little kid when I got married, she is now in college. My nephews are both in High School, with the eldest one having a job, driver's license and a girl friend. I feel so out of synch here, like a time warp or something. I told my daughter today that I don't belong here, and it's true. I don't. I've always felt that I was on the outside looking in with my family, probably because I was adopted and I was never allowed to forget that. I wasn't "blood". Some "relatives" even refused to include me in family gatherings because of that. Interesting how the older Italians are about such things. My parents have gotten old. Which scares me. By my daughter has utterly amazed me. She has been very polite, friendly, and selfless since we arrived. She has helped my mother cook, clean up, talked nicely, laughed, and just been all around a perfectly well behaved, well mannered child and I can't tell you just how proud of her I am. I finally heard the words I've wanted to hear for those 7 long years of hell I went through with her from my parents, they said I've done an excellent job with her and that she turned out OK despite everything I did "wrong" as a mother. Sort of a half assed compliment, but from them that's the best I can get and surprisingly it meant alot to me to hear it. I wish they could have learned to compliment without the "but" there, but that's too much to ask I suppose.

All in all it's been a good visit though somehow hurtful for me. I look around the house I grew up in, and see the pictures of my relatives and realize just how far outside of their loop I am. No one sends me pictures, or letters, even when I send stuff to them. It's like I grew up, moved out, and now I don't exist, which I suppose is fine for them. I know this is the house I grew up in, but it isn't "home" for me. My home is with Ron, Kimmie and all the kids. I miss them so much it isn't funny. At least 20 times every hour I find myself wondering what they are up to, do they miss me, and wanting to go home. I find myself realizing that I am not only mortal,. but getting old. It's an eerie feeling. I told my parents about Ron, leaving out that we got married. yes I am a chicken shit. I don't want to deal with their negative reactions and lectures. At least not when I still have 6 days to stay with them, maybe I'll tell them on Friday, the day before I leave. We'll see. It's just been weird, and I'm having a very hard time sorting out my thoughts. I keep getting these moments of "insight" that are very surprising to me. Moments where I realize things about myself, my life, how things have changed, how much better my life is now, and so many other things. It's very disconcerting at times, joyful at times, and painful at times. Though I suppose that means this trip has been good for me and Sam, I don't know. Maybe tomorrow I will get a notebook (journal) and start writing some of my thoughts down. I can't use the computer much so that doesn't really help me since I can't vent on it like I want to. Also my parents tend to read over my shoulders, so I have to be careful what I say. It's been interesting.

I have had fun, I can't say that I haven't. We;ve had lots of talk and laughter and all that. Well I'm going to stop for now.

2000-12-24T21:31:00.000-06:00

It's almost Christmas, and I am finding it so hard to believe that so much time has passed already. It feels like I just got here yesterday, but it's been half a year already. Where did half a year go?? I used to think my mother was nuts when she told me time flies, because to me at that time (as a child) I felt time was the slowest thing in the world, but now it seems like it does fly by. My daughter tells me time is so slow, but I have to look at her and smile because some day she will realize like I have, that time does fly. People tend to get wrapped up in living their lives and paying attention to everything they stuff their life with to keep themselves busy, or have fun, or just relax. It sometimes feels like life is nothing more than moving from one activity to another, and then there are times where there are no activities to do, and time still flies. I guess it goes with getting old. Next month I will be 32, and for some reason 32 is seeming harder and harder to accept, whereas 30 and 31 were not a problem at all. I'm not a child anymore, yet I still feel like one. I guess that it is true that if one feels old, they truly are. Some days I feel ancient.

My daughter took the news of no prosecution alot better than I thought she would. I am very proud of her. She is quite happy that I have not cancelled our trip back to Mass. I figured the trip would be good for her and for me, especially since they dropped any hope of prosecuting the case. I know some will see this as proof that Dennis didn't do anything, but that isn't the case. Sometimes I wish it were the case, but I can't deny the medical evidence and physical evidence stacked against this man. Nor can I forget that there are two other children that he has molested, one of them having overhwelming medical evidence as well. There is no doubt in my mind that this pedophile did indeed rape his own child. But I guess I have finally gotten through to my daughter with my seemingly constant reminders that revenge is just not worth it. I just feel so guilty that my assurances that the District Attorney would do something as soon as she was ready, turned out to be false ones. I try real hard to remind myself that they mislead me by telling me constantly that they would prosecute if I brought her back to Mass for another interview. Oh well.

I am trying very hard to enjoy Christmas, and so far I'm succeeding fairly well. I'm a bit anxious for it to be morning already. I hope the kids like their presents, and the first one to say "He/she got more than me!" I'm going to happily slap silly! (can ya tell I hate that kind of whining?)

Anyway..Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone!

2000-12-21T18:09:00.000-06:00

WOW! I haven't blogged in a while. LOL Ohhh well, things have been rather busy around here with Christmas shopping, preparing for a trip home, kids concerts, reading, talking, and adjusting to the tick list Ron set up for me. It's been a very interesting and event filled month.

Earlier in the month I had spoken with the district attorney in Mass about interviewing my daughter again for possible prosecution of her father who molested her. The DA told me that if I got her up there, they would prosecute. They lied. They called me back today to tell me that no matter how well she does in the interview there is no way they will prosecute the case. They said they believe they have no chance of winning the case with a jury and thus they won't pursue. This crushed me, I was so upset. The hardest part was not crying on the phone with the lady, or losing my temper and tearing her a new asshole, which I desperately wanted to do. But I behaved myself, then I got off the phone and started crying, almost panicking. I wanted to scream, run, anything and everything. It hurt me so much to be told that basically this son of a bitch will get away with what he did to his daughter, and the hell we have lived with for the last 6 and a half years. That he gets to continue living accross the street from an elementary school, and remain free. He doesn't have to pay anything or in any way for the torture he put my daughter through. God but that hurts. I guess I had my hopes up higher than I realized. The worst part was calling Deb and telling her that they won't prosecute for Sam. I know she was hoping they would so Dennis would go to jail and thus pay for what he did to both of her sons. We all thought the case for Sam was so strong, which is what the DA told me and told her. In fact, they told Deb that if I brought Sam to Mass they would prosecute, that they were dying to get their hands on Sam's case because it would put Dennis in jail for up to 40 years with a conviction of Child Rape. They told her this a month ago! What the hell changed in that month? And why is it so fucking hard for the victims in these cases to get the justice they deserve? It just is not fair at all. Not for the kids, or their families who have to suffer through all of this shit for nothing. I felt horrible when I told Sam about it, but I knew that I had to tell Sam. She had to know. my prayers now are that she won't blame herself for them not prosecuting, that she won't think she did something wrong in the earlier interviews or in the past few years that made them unable to prosecute. So far, she doesn't seem to be feeling that way, but I will be keeping my eyes open just in case.

My thought on the decision not to prosecute is that the DA just doesn't want to put forth the effort that would be neccessary to get a conviction in the case. I believe this because of the constant insistence that the case is "too complicated". Well duh! Then I remember that they prosecuted Dennis for the boy who was molested at the same time my daughter was, and either kid could be a collaberating eye witness for the other. But the DA didn't call my daughter as a supporting witness, and the whole thing never went to trial as Dennis took a plea and admitted guilt. That case was literally done with no supporting evidence, with a child who was discussing abuse that took place 5 years before, and that he denied ever having taken place for those entire 5 years. That denial alone could have gotten Dennis a "not guilty" verdict, but they prosecuted anyway and won. But they won't take a case that has physical evidence, an eye witness, psychological evidence, and all that to court. It just doesn't make sense, it really doesn't. I don't understand, and I don't think it's fair. I'm just so fucking upset it isn't funny anymore.

I have decided that since I can't get the pedophile convicted for raping his own daughter, I will hurt him the only way I can, money. He has not paid me child support since 1996, and he is court ordered to pay 92.00 per week. So I have contacted the department of revenue child support enforcement in Massachusetts and will be receiving a packet that will put a file in their offices for Dennis as a dead beat Dad. I do know taht Mass will jail him and set his bail at the exact amount of the child support that he owes me, and he won't make bail until he pays the full amount. The DOR will include interest on this child support, but the basic amount is over 22 thousand dollars. So he will have to pay at least that much to get out of jail. And I will take the money, and use it to buy me a car and put a new roof on the house, two things that the family needs. After he pays the arrears he will then be stuck providing the DOR with 92 a week so they can send it to me. I will use the money to retain an attorney here in Florida and file for recovation of his parental rights based on non-support and child sexual abuse. At taht time, I will also file for a legal name change for Samantha since she no longer wants to be called by his name. She hates him. I know this kind of "pay back" is not exactly what I wanted, but the man should pay in some way for the damage he has done. But I am also so very tired of the whole thing and part of me just hopes he keels over and dies for no reason. That would be a great benefit to the world.

2000-12-09T01:22:00.000-06:00

I just finished a rather interesting book. It's called "Nora, Nora" by: Anne Rivers Siddons. During the first half of the book, I thought it was boring and colorless. With the second half of the book, I was able to see why it was like that. It is a coming of age story for a girl in 1961. But this girl carries the painful belief that she killed her mother by being born. For as long as she can remember, she has always been basically alone. No one was there emotionally for her, though people were there physically. Hence she learned to just kind of plod through life without seeing any of the joys in the basic day to day things all around her. So the first part of the book is written in that same emotional manner. It is devoid of most emotions, except for the occasional glimpses of Peyton's pain and how it affects her current actions, such as showing old home movies to herself in her tiny room at night and no one knows she is doing it. She does it as a way of "finding" her mother, and seeing her "family" for what it used to be, before she destroyed it by being born and killing her mother. Very sad. Then her cousin Nora arrives and things start to change. Slowly at first, then with more speed. Until eventually the book is going at a much faster pace, and the reader can't put it down, so badly do they want to read the end. At first I figured it would have the typical happy ending. Nora marries the widowed father and becomes Peyton's step mother. (they're distant cousins) Peyton passes her first real test of maturity, the speech for her graduation of grammer school before entering high school. (she's the valedictorian). Even when the "old town boy made good" shows up, and Nora falls for him (or seems to anyway), I still thought the end would be the typical fairy tale happy ending. I was pleasantly surprised. In many ways the ending made the book. With the way it ended, and the things said at the end, the whole book takes on so many different meanings, and shows a depth that was not visible on the surface. I find my mind running a mile a minute now, thinking of those things, and those depths, and the raw truth within them. I think the book was supposed to make the reader think, feel, and reflect upon themselves, their lives, and their own coming of age, of that awkward time when we are not children anymore, but are not yet young adults either. When we feel major changes are coming, and we both fear them, want to hide from them, and welcome them, crave them in the hopes that they will bring about bigger and better things. Only to find that when those changes come, they are not as obvious as we had thought they'd be. Instead they are usually quiet, deeply fundamental changes made within the heart and mind of a person, not the exterior or conscious mind. The time in our lives when we begin to see beyond ourselves and our little slice of the world, where we first glimpse the big picture, and the vast possibilities spread out before us. Where we become almost drunk on the sensations this glimpse causes. Where we begin to believe that we will become adults, and thus have an impact upon the world, even if it is only in a tiny way. That impact is caused by our interactions with other people. How we treat them, and whether or not we can truly love one another.

At the end of the book, when Nora is gone, Peyton is laying in her bed being cuddled by her father while she cries for a real long time. Finally the sobbing stops and they talk to one another. At one point the father says "Nobody's safe Peyton, and nobody's free. There's only somewhere between safe and free, and what people are. The only thing we can ever be is just human, and that ends up breaking our hearts. We all try so hard to be strong, or free, or safe, or whatever it is we think we need the most...and in the end, al we can ever be is just us. And it's enough because it has to be. There's not anything else." (p. 262, hardback) Those words touched me, and ring true within me. People are just people. People are always searching for something outside of what they are right now. Something that they consider to be important, and they believe that when they finally get what they are seeking, they will be fulfilled and everything will be wonderful. In this search, we often overlook what we have now, and just how good it actually is. When we do that, we can't find what we seek. What most people seek to find, already exists within them, if they dare to look for it there. I keep thinking that in some ways people are too focused on things outside of themselves as being their satisfaction, when it is what is within them, and what people can give to one another, that will bring not only deep satisfaction, but lasting contentment. Satisfaction is a momentary thing, it can be easily removed by doubt or fear, but contentment lasts longer and though it may be overshadowed by the current stressful situation or crises, or current situation that needs our full attention, it can't be erased. When someone is content with the fundamental structure of who they are, though they may still seek to improve themselves and embrace growth and change within themselves, that contentment is always there and lends the search for improvement a stability that is lacking for those who seek simple satisfaction.

Another passage, said just two lines after the one I quoted above is: " Well, this is what we do. We try to give what little we have to somebody who hasn't got it, and maybe they try to give us back some of what they have, that we haven't got. That's what love is. That's all it is." In many ways I think these are also very true words. Love is a give and take, where each person gives to the other something they need to be complete. Within BDSM, this is exactly how the symbiotic relationship of domination and submission works. The sub and the dom each give to the other, sometimes without even realizing it, the opposite that is needed to complete and balance the whole. With this give and take, comes the love. Maybe people really were put on this earth to love one another to the best of their abilities. No one really knows why we are here. So I guess everyone has to come up with his or her own answer, even if the answer changes over time. And I think the answer does change over time, and with situation. With maturity comes a calmer view of life, one that tends to include such things as this give and take of love as being a major part of the meaning to our lives. With certain experiences comes the ability to see this give and take, and even the symbiosis that can often exist without our conscious thought. There are times when people will automatically give of themselves something that another person needs at that time in their lives. When with someone we care about a lot, and the person is sad or depressed, we may instinctively know they need a hug, or someone to listen to them, or a shoulder to cry on. And we give that to them. In that way, we are providing something they need, but are lacking, with something we have and can thus provide; in that way we show love and caring. We show humanity. It isn’t the major things that matter, it’s these small things we give one another that matter the most. It is these small differences, that when brought together complete a whole, that bind us tightly to one another. It’s these little things that we overlook as we rush about desperately seeking “ourselves”, never realizing that what we seek is already within us just waiting to be brought out. Sometimes this giving from one person to another, takes the form of bringing forth the hidden treasures within another person; so that they can find what they were searching for but had no idea where to look. For example when someone gives another person the means by which to find self-esteem, a sense of worth, or dignity. By teaching an uneducated person the things they need to hold a job that will support them. We aren’t giving them handouts; instead we are giving them the means by which they can help themselves, and thus teaching them skills for living. Something we have, and they are lacking. In the giving, we create a whole. We also get something back; the love.

Very in depth book, or maybe I’m over thinking it, but somehow I don’t think so. Nora was a free spirit, written as the type of person who flits from one thing to another, never settling down and staying in one place. Flitting into people’s lives, drawing them out of the shells they hide in, showing them the pleasures and joys found in their every day lives, then leaving quickly. She is made to seem flighty and uncaring; a user. But in the last few paragraphs, you learn she is not a user, nor is she flighty and uncaring. She is fear driven. She craves stability, and an anchor; a place to call home where she can feel safe and loved, no matter what. Yet, when those things are offered to her, she doesn’t know what to do with them, so she runs away. Peyton’s father speaks of her as a butterfly in flight. She flew into their lives, opening their eyes to the joys around them both between father and daughter, and in life itself. Peyton had said she hated Nora, to which her father replied: “Well, you’d just as soon hate a butterfly. We didn’t give one single thought to what she might need. We just climbed up on her wings. We loved it there; it was a wonderful ride. And she tried to hold us up, but we were too heavy. Finally she had to drop us and go. All the time she wanted an anchor, a place to light, and we were too busy riding her wings to see that.” With these words you see that the selfish ones here, the ones who took but did not give in return, least not in the sense of giving what they had that Nora did not, were Peyton and her father. Though considering their great pain and separation from one another, this is understandable. This seems to be the way many people are; take what they need from whoever is offering it, without considering that what they are giving in return might be something the person does not need nor truly desire, or that what they are giving in return is not what they believe it to be. I don’t think it’s from any inherent selfishness, as I think it’s from the way life has become. Life has sped up dramatically from the way it was 75 years ago. Everything is more power, move faster, and get it done quicker. We do not take the time, often enough, to seriously consider what we are doing with one another and how we are affecting the people around us. People have gotten away from truly interacting with one another, and moved in to interacting with others for what they can give you, not what the interaction can give both of you. There is an awful lot of taking going on, but not a lot of giving.

The other thing that struck a deep chord in me was when the author was explaining a discovery Peyton had about herself. When she gets named valedictorian and asked to give a speech at the graduation, Nora gives Peyton a lot of support and encouragement. From that Peyton starts writing. While she does so, she finds she can view the world in two ways. One way is with the eyes she was born with, and the other is with a pair of internal eyes. Those internal eyes view the world and everything in it with more emotion, impact, and in the terms of this has to be written about. Through writing this speech, Peyton discovers that she has the gift of not only words, but also the sight necessary to give her words life, make them reach the emotions of the people reading them. Make them literally come to life upon the paper, and be more real. This was something I understood because I have often viewed things in more than one way, same as Peyton. I never really thought of it as a “gift”, but I can see how it very well might be. For me, it’s called “being bitten by the writing bug”. It is at those times when my vision broadens, and even the mundane things I see frequently, are imbued with a new life. A whole new level of meaning, intention, purpose, and feeling becomes visible in those simple every day occurrences, acts, and objects. Reading a story to my son is no longer just a chore to get through, or a pleasant interlude that passes before it can truly be enjoyed; instead it becomes a ritual of bonding, a means of passing on to my son a love of words and reading, a love of exploration of the world through books, a way of teaching my son not only the rudiments of our language, but of interactions between a parent and a child, of the give and take of love, the bonding necessary between two people, and to partake in his innocence and wonder at everything he sees. At those times, a walk around the block is no longer just a means of exercising to shut the doctors up, but a discovery of just how beautiful the earth is. How amazing the sunlight looks when it is reflected on the leaves of a tree, or the scent of the air around me, or the feel of wind on my skin. At those times, that walk becomes almost a religious experience, where all emotion is calmed and any anxieties are soothed, so I can just “be”, and enjoy “being”. It was very interesting to see that “writing bug” as I call it, explained in a book I was reading. I’ve read books where the characters are authors, but until now had not come across one where the urgency of writing, the need to get everything down on paper, and that sudden ability to see the bigger picture and capture it quickly before it gets away, are explained or even discussed. Stephen King’s book “Misery” brings up the “gotta” but it’s more of a “got to find out what happens next” kind of thing than a driving force demanding that what is being seen and experienced be written down for the writer to remember, learn from, and teach others with. That ability is indeed a rare one. And because of it’s rarity, I think it may very well be a gift. But I wonder now can this second set of eyes be something the person can use at will, and thus see the bigger picture when they want to, and not just whenever it occurs? Can it be used in such a way that the bearer of it can see more clearly, in order to write specifically for others to read? That’s an interesting thought. I suppose it could be because it is part of the person, and not an external thing taught by a teacher. People can harness their abilities and gifts so they can use them more completely within their every day lives, and to achieve the goals they set for themselves. If this ability is indeed a gift, and is indeed internal, then logically speaking it should be able to be harnessed and the bearer taught to use it like they do any other ability they may possess, like maybe the ability to dance very well, or the ability to understand math easily. The question now is, how? How to harness it, and learn to use it? I don’t have a clue, and I suppose if I did, I’d write a lot more often instead of waiting until the urgency becomes overwhelming to the point that I can’t sleep or eat until I write everything I need to and get it out of my system. That’s something I’ll just have to continue thinking about.

2000-12-08T09:04:00.000-06:00

I have not blogged since Dec. 1.I can't really say why other than I haven't had a whole lot to say. I've been wanting to savor my feelings alone for the last few days, enjoy them privately before placing them out here for others to read. I've been feeling very good for the last week or so. Warm, happy, content, and all that. Those are very nice feelings to have. I am very happy to feel content again. It is truly wonderful to not have so much stress coming from everywhere everytime I turn around. I can relax and play ball with my son. Relax and talk with my daughter. Work on my writing, if I want to. Focus on cleaning the house and keeping it looking the way that makes Ron happiest and most comfortable. It is truly wonderful to be at peace in my life, and in my heart.

The doctor gave me a new medication for my back. It's called Neurontin. It is technically an anti epileptic medication, but it has been proven to be effective on neurological pain such as that caused by nerve damage. I've been taking it since Tuesday afternoon, and it has already made a great improvement in my pain level. The shooting pain down my left leg has dropped dramatically, the tingling, numbness and such have also dropped dramatically. I can wake up and roll over in the morning without crying out in pain, and without dragging my left leg with my hands. I am so happy with these results!! The only problem I have is I must take it with food or it upsets my tummy something feirce. But, I can live with that. I also have to increase my water intake quite a bit to help prevent water retention, and to help my body rid itself of the drug when it should. Most drugs are metabolized in the liver, this particular medication is metabolized in the kidneys, making water a neccessity to it's release from the body. I've been drinking alot of water but so far I don't feel like I am going to float away or anything, which is good too :)

I got up early yesterday and today because I needed the car and in order to get it, I have to drive Ron to work. I do not deal well with 6:00 o'clock in the morning. It took me a good 30 minutes to wake up today. I truly did not want to, but I needed the car. I have to take Sam to her appointment today, and it's too far to walk. Oh well, you do what you have to do. Though I do like the short period of time that I get alone with Ron on the ride to work and the ride home when I pick him up in the afternoon. He told me he likes it too. Ron and I got married on Monday. We are both extremely happy with it. I'm surprised that I got married again, I wonder if that makes me a hopeless romantic, or just a fool. Either way, it doesn't really matter what it makes me other than it makes me Ron's wife, which I truly enjoy being. I have a calm certainty that our relationship is solid enough to go for a long long time. A certainty I have not had before, not in this calm inner way. I do have some fear that I will screw things up, and I know that comes from the false belief I still seem to hold that I fuck everything up. I'm hoping that this fear will continue to fade with time, as it has been doing these past 6 months or so.

That's about it really. Guess I will blog later.

2000-12-01T15:50:00.000-06:00

This is a picture of a panel from the AIDS Quilt. Today I searched some web sites about AIDS information to post on the Blogs page of my LnR web site so that I could provide information while participating in the day without weblogs. While doing this I found the site for the quilt. The day about weblogs requests that on December 1, people either do not blog or blog on the topic of AIDS rather than their usual topic. I had planned on blogging about my brother anyway, but this particular item which I found really surprised me. While searching the quilt web site, I found a section that allows a person to search the quilt for the names of AIDS victims. On a whim, I typed in my brother's name and up popped this picture with a list of all the people represented by this block. It is panel number 02663, and my brother is commemorated on it. I am guessing that the panel was created and submitted by Hospice At Mission Hill in Roxbury Mass by the panel that shows the T-shirt with the symbol for that Hospice house on it. I requested ayli to enlarge this graphic so I could see the embedded pictures more clearly because I could have sworn one of them was my brother, and sure enough, it was. I found myself near tears, and very emotional. My brother passed away on May 25, 1991 of AIDS. I remember when my mother first called me to tell me that Walter had AIDS. She was so shocked, and so very ashamed. She had always been embaressed by my brother's homosexuality, which would piss me off to no end. My brother was living in California at the time, and had known he had AIDS for 4 years. He could not afford the medications they had out at that time, they were far too expensive. My brother was in a hospital in California. AIDS had attacked his nervous system and he could no longer walk. He had to live in a wheel chair. All he wanted to do was come home to die. My mother at first did not want to bring him home, but eventually relented. My brother Bobby went out to California to get him, and we admitted him into the Hospice At Mission Hill. I remember having to speak with Walter's doctors to find out if he fit the criteria for the Hospice. The criteria was under 6 months to live. The doctor said my brother would definitely fit that criteria and would probably only last 3 months at the most. I honestly can't remember what month he returned to Mass in anymore, but I do remember he did not make it to 6 months, and died just shy of his 25th birthday.

It was a mixture of emotions that accompanied his return to Massachusetts. There was elation, fear, love, hate, anger, and so much more. He and I spent a great deal of time talking during his last few months. Though we never did settle our old ghosts, but I made the best peace with him that I could. Watching him die was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I remember sitting in the hospice talking with him, and talking with the other residents there. They were all very wonderful people. What amazed me the most was their lack of resentment. The workers of the Hospice were wonderful, loving, supportive people. They treated Walter and all the residents with the utmost of respect and always with obvious caring in everything they did or said. I remember one visit in particular. I had shocked Walter by bringing his neice in to see him. During his estrangement from the family, he had not heard that I had given birth. He did not expect to see Sam, yet I brought her in anyway. My parents were shocked that I would expose my daughter to possible infection by AIDS. I tried to assure them that the risk to her was very minor but they never did understand that. Walter was very happy to meet his neice, and he kept remarking how much she looked like me. I remember that he cried because I brought her in. It was a sweet, yet painful, visit. I visited every day with Walter. As did Bobby and my parents. I will give them credit for that, they did visit him. By the time he slipped into a coma during the last two weeks of his life, they started staying in the hospice's guest room to be with him. He did not want to die alone. I had started staying as often as I could. I went home early in the morning on the 25th of May to get a couple hours of sleep before coming back. I layed down for a short while and around 10 minutes to 6 that morning the phone rang. I knew before I picked it up what the person on the other end was going to tell me, and sure enough, Walter had died. I rushed back to the hospice. My mother was sitting on the couch, totally shell shocked. My father was with her. I went into the room where Walter still lay, and held his hand for a few moments. I remember that his body was still warm. All I could whisper was "May you be at peace now Walter". I cried. It was hard to believe that my brother was gone, but he was. This was a very complicated time for me, in many different ways.

AIDS kills people, though with the new drugs they have for it, HIV positive patients are living much healthier lives before contracting active AIDS. But there are still thousands for whom the drugs do no good. AIDS was once thought to affect only homosexual men, but that also is not true. AIDS can and will strike anyone. It is a deadly sexually transmitted disease, though it can be contracted through other means such as sharing drug needles with an infected person. AIDS is a very scary disease. For some it acts very quickly, for others it acts slowly even going into remission for a while before coming back and taking their lives. In this way it is similar to some cancers. It was not until a couple of years ago that I was finally able to forgive my brother for the many cruel and hurtful things he had done in his short life. I have managed to reconcile myself with that part of my past. This is the first year I have truly felt able to mourn his loss as a loss and not a relief. Walter had the potential to be a truly great man, andI like to believe that he would have become that great man had he been given the time. I wrote a poem about his passing, that was read at his funeral. I could not read it because by then I was a basket case, so a nurse from the Hospice read it for me. It contained the many things he had told me about how he felt about each of the members of our family. The forgiveness he had finally found both for them, and for himself. As well, the outlook he had managed to attain on life, and his sadness that this outlook came at the cost of losing his life. He remarked to me once that "Through the most painful times, come the greatest lessons." and he was right. So, this is for you Walter and the man you were inside. I love you.

2000-11-29T21:44:00.000-06:00

Today has been a quiet day overall. My son has really surprised me. Today he has actually requested to spend time with me. He wanted me to cuddle him, tickle him, hug him, talk with him, and even sit on the couch and watch tv with him. Of course, I did these things. They made me feel so very warm inside!!!! He usually doesn't seek attention from me. Usually I have to initiate it with him, and most of the time he isn't very interested in attention from me. I know why that is also, but I am so grateful that it seems to be changing as well. I think it has a lot to do with us living here with Ron. Kyle is 4 years old, for most of his four years I have been off my feet more often than on them. During that time he has been cared for primarily by other people, not me. Unfortunately I could not physically move around alot, so I couldn't chase him, wrestle with him and such things. So he got used to going to others first. But, my back has been improving since the doc put me back on oxycontin and I've made a great deal of effort to interact with my son. I get him drinks, play with him, talk with him and all that. And I think that today, I got to see the fruits of this. He came to me for attention, even above Ron whom he absolutely adores. I really enjoyed that, a whole hell of a lot. I've had bouts of feeling like a bad mother because of the difficulties my back created as far as dealing with my son was concerned. When I made the decision to have him, knowing it could possibly hurt my back, I had not realized just how long lasting the damage would be and how all encompasing the effects would be. I figured it wouldn't do anything more than cause extra pain. I did not realize it would mean that I would be mostly bedridden for a year awaiting surgery, and then have to have the surgery repeated after getting only 3 months back on my feet before the fusion failed. THe failure being followed by 6 more months of mostly being in bed while waiting for the doctors to decide what needed to be done, and then came recovery. After I recovered as best i could, I was working my ass off, even though I know I wasn't supposed to be working physically like I was, I did it anyway. I realize that I could not help the situation that occured and that I did the absolute best I could by making sure the people who were caring for my son, were good people and were loving towards him overall. Kimmie was an immense help when he was just under a year old. If she hadn't come to be the nanny, I would have lost my children because my husband at the time was so depressed that he couldn't even remember how to boil water, much less watch children. But anyway, though I know it is not my fault because I certainly didn't do this on purpose, I still occasionally feel guilt. So it is truly wonderful to me when my son runs up to me and hugs me tight, or kisses my cheek, or tells me he loves me. Or, like today, tickles me and zurberts my belly and just cuddles beside me to chatter with me. I love it!! Talk about major warm fuzzies!!

Since moving in with Ron, my children have changed dramatically. Kyle used to bite when we lived in the southwest. He would bite, throw things and scream for no reason. Though I know he had plenty of reasons, just couldn't convince the people I was with that the reasons were real. He hardly talked, and refused to potty train. Here, he is fully potty trained, now speaks in mostly clear sentences, can carry on a conversation, his speech is getting clearer, he eats better, sleeps better, and hardly ever tantrums. He has not bit anyone since mid-June when we left the southwest. He is so much calmer, and more secure. I am so proud of him. I really think that Ron and the environment here has a lot to do with the changes in Kyle. Ron is very consistent with discpline and the attention he pays to Kyle. It isn't a once a month play with the kid thing then forget him for the rest of the time and demand he be mostly quiet. Kyle has flourished with this attitude. Ron also encourages me to interact with my kids. He loves to hear that I have played wiht, talked to or in any other way interacted with my kids, especially Kyle. He believes that part of Kyle's slow learning was caused by my lack of hands on involvment, and as guilty as that makes me feel, I have to agree with that. He's probably right. I agree because of the changes in Kyle since I have become more actively involved with him. Sam, my daughter, has changed as well. She is alot calmer, less beligerent, happier, and in so many ways a very normal 12 yr old girl. She is thriving on the consistency in this situation, something she has not had before because of her severe problems making it so difficult to remain consistent with her. Ron is not afraid of her, and he does not back down from her. He relies on me to explain the best way of dealing with her, and follows my guidelines. In doing so, he interjects his own perspective and rules within mine, and between the two of us we have acheived the best situation my daughter has been in for the last 6 years. And finally, she is keeping the progress she has made. It's not just a fleeting thing. I am so very happy with the changes in my kids. Even my daughter and I get along better than we have in 7 years.

Ron has mentioned setting a curfew for me. He thinks that I can't follow the wake up at 6:30 rule to see the kids off to school, if I don't go to sleep early enough. Sadly, I have to agree. Having a curfew is kind of scary to me because I know how difficult it is for me to follow a curfew. I don't know why I have such a hard time with it. I always have, even as a child. It never failed that 5 or 10 minutes before my bed time, I would wake up. No matter how little sleep, how much activity, or how tired I actually am. My mind snaps awake and I can't sleep. I do not want to dissapoint Ron and I fear that setting a curfew may cause me to do just that. however, I can't really blame him for wanting to set one either, I have been staying up very late because I don't have to get up with the kids. Kimmie does that. I didn't ask her to, it just happened. I was getting up with them at the beginning of the school year, then my back sent me to bed for a few days, and she got up with them, and then stopped waking me up. Ever since then, I haven't pushed to be woken up that early. I know it's lazy and selfish, but everytime I've talked about it with Kimmie she insists she doesn't mind. Then we had that snag about emotions going a bit awry when I would stick my nose in and help out, so I backed off. I don't want to make Kimmie feel like I don't think she can handle getting the kids off to school. I also know that I have seriously dissapointed Ron in this area, and I feel guilty for it. I am still unsure of whether or not I will measure up in Ron's eyes to what he believes a mother is and how they should behave. I've never been very hands on with my kids, that doesn't mean I don't interact with them, it just means that I don't spend all day long sitting on the floor playing with them. He has told me what he thinks a mother should be like, and it very closely matches how I am. I guess my insecurity about being a mom is what causes me to fear that I won't please him in this area. I know I have insecurities when it comes to being a mom, partly from being told for so many years that I was a rotten mother. (my parents told me this, my in-laws told me this, some of my former friends told me this, I've had social workers blame me for the abuse my ex husband comitted on my daughter and stuff like that) I try very hard to remember that overall I am a good mother, and that I do my best. Also, I try to remember that I've put up with a great deal of shit from my daughter that no one I know would have put up with for as long as I did. That alone should make me believe I'm a good mom. My insecurity is not as strong as it was just 8 months ago, and I think Ron has alot to do with that as well. His encouragement has allowed me to be more of the mother I want to be, and has paved the way for the results I am not benefitting from. That has gone a long way towards shutting that particular insecurity up. This is a good thing.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about the ways I have changed over the past 6 months, and mostly I like what I see. I am more myself again in that I do not bite my tongue as much as I was and hide my feelings. I don't lie and say "i'm fine" when I'm not because I no longer fear punishment for not being "ok". I am calmer, and PMS has all but disappeared, it's back to it's normal level of slight crankiness that I can easily handle by being quiet. And if someone asks me why I'm being quiet, I tell them I am cranky from PMS and am trying not to snap at people for no good reason. It works. I have not lost my temper once since I arrived here. Ron and I have had our disagreements, but we have never yelled at each other during them. Yet anyway, I'm sure a day will come where we do yell, but I hope it never does. I prefer the communication that he and I have. It allows us to settle differences, misunderstandings and other things that arise without either of us losing our cool. I think it is a much healthier way of dealing with difficulties that arise. We have had our tense conversations, but we both know enough to back off and cool down before we blow up. I really appreciate that. That has gone a long ways towards helping me heal that whole belief that I was an irrational lunatic that needs antidepressants to appear normal. I stopped taking my antidepressents back in April of 2000. And I have not had any problems since. Even the last couple of months in the southwest, I did not need them and I knew it. I was so angry when I figured out that I had continued to take them in order to please my then master because he felt I needed them. I am angry with myself for risking my liver and my health by taking a medication I did not truly need any more.

Well..that's about all that's running through my mind tonight.

2000-11-28T23:48:00.000-06:00

I've been feeling rather quiet the last couple of days. Not sad or depressed or anything, just real quiet. Even my mind has slowed down. I think it's trying to give me a break! LOL It isn't often that it does that, so when it does it's kind of nice. My mind often runs constantly. I find myself thinking about so many different things at a time that it can be very tiring. Ron has asked me if something is bothering me, and there isn't anything. I am just feeling quiet and contented. I like that content feeling btw, quite a bit. Though right now I'm feeling a bunch of pent up energy that wants to be expelled somehow, but I have no idea how to do so. It doesn't feel like I need or want to write, I don't have any interest in cross stitching, it isn't sexual frustration (I doubt I'll have that problem for a long time to come..anyway) it isn't a desire to work on the web site or anything. I'm not sure what it is. Sometimes when I get this way it is followed by a bout of writing poems at like 20 or 30 in a week, or articles at 5 to 10 a week, or even stories. Ohhhhhhhhhhh...that's it! I'm wanting to write stories! I just typed that word in and my mind woke up and started tossing images around that would make for some pretty good erotic fiction. Well now that I've found out why I have that feeling I'm going to go exorcise it. I love this blog thing, it is so useful sometimes :)

2000-11-26T00:26:00.000-06:00

Today was a rather quiet day. Woke up in serious pain, so took my meds first thing. Then went back to sleep because no one else was awake, and my son was still sleeping. When I woke up again I had some coffee then spent some time updating the web site. I had received a number of emails that were updating my link information for munch groups and such. So I did all that. Then I played the sims for a while. I had some trouble with the game and ended up having to uninstall it and reinstall it all over again. I hated doing that because I lost all my previous game information. Oh well, such goes life with computers.

I got a package from my mother today. Christmas presents for me and the kids. Some really nice stuff in there. I sent her an email letting her know the box arrived like I had promised her I would do.

I had joined a list last week because someone informed me that an article of mine had been posted on it. I stuck around because my friend asked me to. Someone posted about poly relationships. I did not respond to the original email. Someone responded to that email stating that anyone can walk out of any relationship at any time. I responded to that statement saying that some people do not feel or believe they can walk out. On another list I'm on, I've read many posts from slaves who state flat out that leaving is not an option for them no matter what the relationship were like. This scared me. I am not sure I can accept the idea that a person would willingly and knowingly stay in a relationship no matter what the relationship was like. Of course the question of the relationship becoming abusive came up, and I stated that most people would indeed walk out of a relationship eventually were it to be abusive. This prompted an argument where people kept saying that they would stay no matter what because that was the agreement and comittment they made. But they added things like "I don't ever see the relationship becoming abusive' and how wonderful their relationship and/or master is. So I started to wonder, is it possible that one can not truly view the possibility of abuse and thus leaving when their relationship is a happy one? The answer to that is of course, yes. It is very difficult for people to see beyond their current situation and make hypothesis about different situations. When someone is happy it is very difficult to conceive of a time where the relationship would not be a happy one or would be an abusive one. I can understand that.

Anyway, what I'm wondering about is why are there so many assholes on mailing lists? The first bit I spoke about on the walking out thing, was not a big deal. However, someone responded in a manner that was extremely rude and on my list would have gotten them warned for flaming. The person did not leave any part of the email they were responding to in their response, so I can't say if it was my words that prompted the response. I resplied to that email, and I know I shouldn't have, but I did anyway. And I was less than polite about it too, though I wasn't cruel or anything. The person responded agian and accused me of being on a high horse and such. I am assuming the insults were directed at me because they made reference to one sub telling everyone else what to do, and since I was the only sub responding to the thread with more than just a single email, I thought it was directed at me. Again, no reference was given, so I could not be sure, and I deliberately did not respond with the personal offense I felt. But this list, since the first day I got on it, has shown repeatedly that there are people on it who's main reason for being there seems to be to cause trouble. This person, and one other on that list, are always sending emails that are hurtful, angry, or downright mean to the list. Then they wonder why they get the angry responses they get. They say things like "you missed my point" "I didn't do anything wrong" and stuff like that. This drives me insane. I know i shouldn't let it get to me, I mean these are just people I don't really know, but I just do not like rudeness. I never have. I try my damndest to be polite and on topic when I post to groups, and it really isn't that hard to do. So I wonder why others can't do the same? I know, that not everyone can do those things. I guess it's just another of those things I will never fully understand because I am not like that. Similar to I can't fully comprehend child abuse, or revenge.

2000-11-24T15:10:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking about this election stuff, and can't help but think Gore is showing himself to be a very sore loser. Filing in court to have recounts thrown out, demanding recounts after recounts becuase he isn't getting the winning votes he wants. Making this election take so much longer than it should have. So far all the recounts continue to have Bush as winning Florida and thus the white house, but Gore just can't accept that defeat. Personally, I think with three recounts completed showing Bush as the winner, should be more than enough. But, Gore is demanding a 4 th hand recount and got the Florida supreme court to say that a "dimpled" ballot must be counted as a legal vote. In other words, if the "hole" is not completely there, but is dimpled as if it should be there, then that vote counts. I think this is nothing more than a spoiled child refusing to admit defeat. personally, I am now praying that Gore doesn't get the white house because I am afraid to see what such a spoiled little child will do to this country, and our relations with other nations with this kind of attitude. The whole thing has gone beyond agravating and has entered the territory of disgusting as far as I am concerned.

Last night Master and I played for a while. It felt real good! He managed to mark me too, which I know he enjoys doing. I'm still feeling some sore spots today. But I like that. I know that some people think that is weird, and I used to think that, but I don't anymore. It's interesting to see how I've changed over the past four years, most of those changes are good ones I think.

2000-11-23T14:32:00.000-06:00

Today is Thanksgiving so we're doing the whole cook everything thing. Sometimes I wonder why we bother with this holiday, it seems to be more of an excess than anything else. I know it's supposed to be a historical thing and an emotional thing where people give thanks for what they have. A day set aside for family and friends to enjoy a meal together and think of the things they are thankful for. So, along that line, I've been thinking about what I am thankful for today. (I know, it's mushy, but hey, it's a holiday I'm allowed. LOL) Anyway, I am thankful for a lot of things actually. For my daughter's progress finally beginning to take root in her mind and become habit. For my son's progress in talking and playing with his imagination. For my kids being with me. For my kids being healthy. For Ron's kids being here and being healthy. For ayli's being part of the family and helping out so much. For my friends who mean so much to me. For Ron who is so wonderful to me. For my health being pretty good. Heck, I guess I'm just thankful for having people who I love, and who love me in return, around me. That is a very nice thing to have. It's something that people tend to take for granted over time, and I try hard not to take it for granted. I try to think about the things that I love about my family and friends, so that I do not take them for granted too often.

The food is almost done, so I figured I'd come online and rest my back it's a bit sore now from standing for so long chopping up stuff for the stuffed mushrooms. Oh those are so yummy! The kids are all addicted to the sims, and now so is Ron and Jeff. The other night Ron built his "dream house" with the sims program. It's really neat to be able to use your imagination and build a house. Ron has this dream house that he has always wanted. It is a HUGE house, but very beautiful. It is, however, square with an opening in the middle for the pool and hot tub. It's certainly an interesting design. But man that would be one expensive house to actually build. He is very hopeful that some day he will be able to have that house, and I'd like to see him get it too.

I can't really think of a whole lot to say, so I'll stop there.

2000-11-19T23:35:00.000-06:00

Today was a very interesting day. We got the christmas shopping list all written out, now comes the hard part, buying the stuff. LOL We should be able to do so with very little trouble.Things are still a bit confused, but it takes time to merge two households into one. I think we're doing alot better than I thought we were going to be doing, so this is good.

It's been a rough weekend thanks to my back. On Friday Ron and I did alot of running around, and I ended up in serious pain. Saturday was the same, so I spent the vast majority of the day in bed. Today, I felt a little better so I've been up and moving a bit more, which was nice too. I managed to sleep fairly well last night, and surprisingly I went to sleep at 10:30 and woke up at 8:30. I was quite amazed. I did wake up a few times during the night, and Ron said I was still moaning and stuff with pain, but not as bad as I was Friday night, so that's good.

Today was mostly a very quiet day around here and I liked that. I decided to try playing the sims tonight. It's a game where you create "people" and basically move them through their days from jobs, to cleaning, to recreation, to sleep and everything in between. I normally do not like computer games, but I really enjoy this one! It's very cute, and very amusing. Plus, it was fairly easy to learn so I didn't feel stupid about not knowing the buttons to hit. The first "family" I created, the man set the kitchen on fire cooking dinner, which I had not told him to do. In the process of trying to put it out, he died. It was very odd, but hilarious as well. I "evicted" that family and deleted them, then created a new family. A man and a woman. So far, it is going much better. It is also alot easier to get everything done around the house with two people. And since they talk to each other, they don't start whining for "social company". LOL They do however whine to go to bed, eat, go potty, and have "fun" which means read the newspaper, watch tv, or read a book. Not all that exciting I guess. But it was alot of fun to play.

Tomorrow I see the pain clinic doctor again, so here's hoping he will adjust my medication to take care of this new level of pain while I wait for medical insurance so I can go see a neurosurgeon and find out if it is the disk that needs to come out. Part of me hopes it isn't, but part of me hopes it is. The idea of now knowing what is causing the pain is quite agravating to me.

I haven't done much writing, but I've done some thinking, though not alot of heavy thinking. Mostly I've cuddled with Ron and done pain control this weekend, so not a whole lot to talk about.

night :)

2000-11-18T01:59:00.000-06:00

I've been doing alot of thinking about writing. Seriously writing. Writing stories and such has always been a dream of mine, and I think, now that I have alot of time on my hands, that I am going to start working at it. I am badly out of practice, but I figure a little practice will only help me out. Here's hoping.

I will probably find myself using this blog as not only a place to discuss BDSM, my submission, and my life, but also as a place to work out article ideas and other such writing type thoughts. I tend to think about so many different things, and I tend to lose them if I don't write them down or somehow record the thoughts for later development into articles or poems or short stories or whatever. So I think this blog could be a great help in that area.

Things here have been going pretty well the last couple of days. Except for the severe pain in my back today, that is. I went out with Ron for a while today. We ran some errands and ended up doing a great deal of walking in the process. But we were able to scout out some Christmas present ideas, as well as look at wedding rings for when we do get married. He chose a beautiful one for me, and it's even the kind of ring I've always wanted. I was quite surprised that his taste for a ring on my hand was so similar to my desired style. It was a very sweet and warm moment for both of us I think. We will be doing more talking with the children, of course. I, for one, am still concerned with taking their feelings into account. I do not expect complete acceptance or overwhelming joy at the prospect of the marriage, but am not willing to force acceptance if the complaints are of a very intense and deeply emotional nature where forcing such acceptance would backfire on us into resentment. I do not want to hurt his children, or my own. Thankfully my son is quite young, and he just adores Ron, so he has no complaints. LOL

My back has caused me to feel rather guilty today. I know it's not "right" to feel guilt over my back and the limitations it sets on me, but I don't seem to be able to stop those feelings. I am, however, not falling into a depression or anything over them. They also do not last very long. Mostly I feel guilty about saddling Ron with the restrictions my back will set upon certain aspects of our relationship. I sometimes feel that he deserves someone who doesn't have to spend a couple days a month sitting in bed because she can't walk. However, he understood what the restrictions were before we got involved, so I know he accepted those restrictions. He does not feel the least bit cheated by any of this. Which is a good thing. I don't feel cheated as much as once in a while I feel frustrated. I get so tired of pain. The whole idea of having another surgery scares the bejesus out of me too! I'm tired of being cut open, dealing wiht recovery, physical therapy, and exercises. Not to mention braces and bed rest with initial recovery. Oh well, I will deal with it I'm sure. It's not like this will be my first back surgery, and it probably won't be anywhere near my last one either. But I can hope it will be one of the last ones.

One of the things that continues to run through my mind is the bit about listening and how important it is to effective communication. I think it's sticking in my craw because I know I left it out of my original article on communication. And communication is such a neccessity in BDSM relationships, or any other kind of relationship for that matter. I am going to have to rewrite that article soon or these thoughts are going to drive me nuts! Sometimes that is how I write. Things spring almost completely written to my mind, and they pester me until I write them down. When that happens I can usually sit down and just type as fast as I can to get the thoughts out, then play clean up fixing spelling errors, grammatical errors and moving paragraphs around so the article or story or whatever flows better without seeming to be stilted or limping along. When my writing goes like that, just BOOM and it's done, then I know it will be a pretty good piece of work. I love when that happens to me, because it is such a rush. The desire to write is so intense it literally becomes a driving force that does not stop pushing at me until I get the words out. The act of writing the words, either by hand or in the computer, brings with it an amazing emotional release, that is almost physical at times. When the peice is finished, I get a very intense feeling of satisfaction as well as awe. Usually the awe comes about if the piece basically wrote itself in a short period of time. I'm always amazed when I manage to write a 6 page short story in under 2 hours and most of it is pretty darn good. Or when i have sat down and just wrote out 5 or 6 poems in 30 minutes. Poems that are amazingly clean in their rough draft state. It is at these times when I will sit back and wonder what the hell is inside me. Some people understand this need to write, and the rush that comes with it, and the ability for articles, stories, and poems to literally write themselves. As well, they can understand the pushing desire to write that is so strong is consumes almost all conscious thought until it is released. simi understands this, and she writes in the same manner sometimes. I found that fascinating as well as reliving to know. Knowing someone else feels/thinks/writes in a very similar (or duplicate) manner as I do, made me feel OK because I'm no longer alone with those feelings. I'm not "unique" or "weird". Well, ok, maybe I am weird, but at least I have good company here in the weirdo corner.

Ron is extremely supportive of my writings and I appreciate that so much. He believes in me, and believes I have talent. I like knowing that he believes in me. I'm not so sure about the talent part being as big as he thinks it is. I do think that I have a little talent and can write half way decently, which is alot better than some people I've seen who are actually being published! Ahhh that's my dream though. To be published. A book with my name on it as the author. But I think that's every writer's closet dream. And I think there are alot more writers in the world than people realize. With the internet being such a big deal, and the craze to build web sites, I think it has become an outlet for those closet writers to write. There are hundreds (if not thousands) of sites dedicated to writings be they poems, prose, short stories, or any other form of writing. Web sits about the mechanics of writing, how to submit for publication, where to submit for publication and sites that are basically a gallery of the site owner's writings. I've been to hundreds of sites that contain original pieces of writings in all kinds of genres, and am constantly amazed by the amount of truly enjoyable writing to be found on the web. I'm also amazed at the amount of bad writing that can be found as well. But good or bad, the writing is out there, and people are reading it. It takes alot of courage to put one's private works on display on a web site. You're literally placing your thoughts and ideas, pieces of yourself, out in public for review. Thus you face the possibility of rejection, and rejection is difficult to deal with. I've found though that some rejections are not all bad. Those people who review one's work, and send their comments that include such things as ways to improve the peice or other such constructive criticism have helped me to write better in many ways. But the one thing that has greatly improved my writings skills is to simply write. Write all kinds of things, whenever the mood strikes or even when it doesn't. In this way I practice sentence structure, thought processes, placing those thoughts in logical order, or at least a readable order, selecting words, editing to cut out superfelous words, and so many other little things that seperate a bad peice of writing from a competent one. Even these blogs are an accessory to that writing practice. And I think a very good one too.

Well that's about it for what's running through my mind tonight. So I'll just stop here.

Things to smile about: a rainbow, a warm sweater on a cold autumn morning, the giggles of a 4 yr old child, the emotion behind a personal dream, the hope of realizing a dream

2000-11-15T15:31:00.000-06:00

the last couple of days have been quite interesting, though extremely stressful. Ron and I had decided to get married and it freaked out the kids. Which, to a certain extent, I was expecting. But, I was not expecting some of what we got. I got a major intuitive feeling that if we forced the wedding on one of the kids, that the child would resent Ron for it. And, after speaking with the child at length today, I was right on that score. However, from talking with the child today, I think I have opened the lines of communication to her, and smoothed things out a bit.

When I first arrived here I found myself always on edge. Not surprising since I lived the past 18 months on edge, waiting to be yelled at. So my patience was very low and I yelled alot faster than I prefer to. I have put forth tremendous effort to not yell as much as it was what Ron wanted, it was something I wanted to curb myself, and I felt my yelling was scaring his daughter. Sure enough, it was. However, I have made strides in this area. So when the complaint was made that I yell to much, as a reason for Ron not to marry me, I was very hurt. I did however speak with the child and I didn't ask her anything about my yelling, I just explained to her why I had put the wedding off. She was relieved because she had been thinking that I would not marry Ron ever at all, when that was not what I had meant. But I could see how she got that idea, I wasn't exactly clear about it. Anyway, she voluntarily told me that she noticed a great improvement in my yelling. She says she noticed the change over the last couple of days. She decided to spend the week here with us rather than with her mom. I think that was partly because she missed it here and a bunch of other complicated reasons. But from talking to her I was able to find out where my guess work for her feelings and thoughts were correct, and where I was wrong. Overall, I was mostly correct. When I explained to her my reason for putting the wedding off, that being I did not want to cause her any unneccessary hurt, she seemed quite amazed by this. I think I touched her in some way by explaining this to her. All in all, we talked very easily for about 45 minutes, and it was a very enjoyable conversation.

Like with Sam, my daughter, I realized last night that if I wanted things to change between Ron's daughter and myself, I had to make the first moves. So I did. and I am glad that I did. SHe also told me she feels now that she will be fine if Ron and I marry in December. I am very grateful for that. She said she was very happy that I had spoken with her. And I am glad I did too.

THis morning, Ron hurt my feelings. I know he did not do so on purpose. From his point of view he was relaying a joke that he had said to his son. But it hurt anyway. When it comes to paying the bills, I am very vulnerable to hurt in that area. I do not feel that I have good control over the bills at this point. THis is partly caused by the financial condition we were both in when we merged our households. And from having guests for a few months, everything got all screwed up. those guests made it that we were paying over a thousand bucks a month for food, and about 400 for cigs. It was truly insane. But as such, things got a bit screwed up bills wise. Anyway, one of the bills that was behind, but getting closer (and it was behind from before I got here) to being up to date, finally got tired of waiting and they came and shut off the electricity. I felt like I had failed Ron, that I had screwed up so bad. I felt that I was irresponsible, even though I knew it wasn't just me but a combinations of many different things that led to this. I tried to explain this to Ron, but i do not know if I actually did or not since the whole cancelling of wedding thing occured late yesterday evening. Anyway he cracked a joke which basically told someone that i was to blame for the electricity going off, and that he was thinking of a sufficient punishment for me. This immediately hit upon my own sense of failure and hurt me to the quick. I couldn't help it. Of course, my reaction angered Ron because he really was only joking and he left angry. I cried for a few minutes in the bathroom with my face in a towel. ayli talked with me and I remained angry almost all day. Until the kids came home and showed me their report cards. They all did very well overall I think. Part of my taking it wrong could have been that I woke up and the first thing I realized was the marriage had been cancelled and I was hurting from that. So maybe i was just already shook up. Who knows.

Anyway it's been a rough couple of days. Overall though, I have to say that I am proud of the way I handled most of it. I didn't lose my cool, nor did I just stop following Ron's rules for me. Which, to me, is a big deal :)

2000-11-13T20:34:00.000-06:00

COMMUNICATION

Communication is something that affects every single relationship a person can have. Business relationships, acquaintences, close friends, lovers, children, almost everything. How we talk with one another, and how we listen to one other is what makes up communication. So why is it that something so important is dismissed as no big deal? People have focused for quite a while on learning to talk to one another. Be more open. Express yourself. Talk about what you feel and what you think. Bloggers are a place to do that in. A place to communicate your thoughts and feelings to someone else. Maybe to perfect strangers or maybe to your friends, or maybe just to get your thoughts out of your mind. Everyone is rushing to talk about everything. The emphasis is on talking. Why bother talking if no one is listening? I mean, we all sit around and agree that talking about things is good. Though there is such a thing as over talking something, but that's not my point right now. In general everyone agrees that talking is a good thing to do. Talk out your problems, find solutions. You can't find solutions without talking to identify the problem in the first place. It seems to me that the other side of this coin is getting lost in the shuffle. It is not as often that you will hear someone say "Listen carefully to what someone else is talking about' unless it is in response to a complaint that someone doesn't feel heard. Communication is a two way street. One must talk, and one must listen. And I don't mean the half way listening that so many people do so well. Hear just enough to assume what the other person is going to say, and then break in and respond to your assumed conclusion because half the time the assumed conclusion is probably incorrect. So why isn't more emphasis placed on truly listening to someone else. Actually hearing and processing what you've heard, before you respond to it? I wonder if this is a side effect of the rush rush soceity in which we live. Everyone is rushing to do things, get them done faster, quicker, hurry hurry hurry. People don't take the time to relax and just sit and listen anymore. And it's not just listening to what other's are saying either. people don't sit and listen to the wind, or the sound that rain drops make when they hit something. Or the sound of leaves crunching when you walk on them in the fall. Or the sound of leaves rustling in the wind when they're still on the tree. The sounds of crickets, birds, and insects. There are so many things taht people miss out on by not listening. We don't listen to each other, and we don't listen to the world around us. Sure there are some great listeners out there, and there are some people who do stop to smell the roses once in a while, or just listen to the world around them. But in general this is not something people do regularly anymore. When it comes to inerpersonal relationships, listening and understanding what you are hearing is truly one of the best ways to make that relationship a close satisfying one for everyone involved. It is so easy to break into someone else's sentence, and correct them, or give your opinion of what you think they are going to say. This can so easily create arguments and resentment for not being heard.

I remember reading about communication in the book Men are from mars, women are from venus a few years ago. And it talked alot about learning to be an effective listener. I've read books about "Don't sweat the small stuff" and it too contained information on being a better listener. So why isn't more emphasis placed on learning to effectively listen to someone else? In BDSM we talk about how important open honest communication is to the relationships within bdsm. We talk about being able to discuss anything wihtout fear of retributioon, yet often when a relationship fails, one of the problems that caused it to fail is usualy communication. It wasn't good enough, open enough or non existent. I think when we discuss communication we should include just how important truly listening is to effective communication. Communication is difficult under the best of circumstances. It is sometimes so hard to find the right words to convey what you are meaning or what you are thinking. And in this day and age people jump to conclusions nine times faster. Partly because they aren't listening correctly. Sure, they're hearing the words, but they aren't processing them to get their full meaning. Instead, like everything else now adays, people rush listening up. A person can talk until they are blue in the face, but if they don't feel truly heard and understood, then the door to resolution of a conflict will remain closed because their hurt,anger, upset, or whatever will remain in the way.

Not listening effectively is something everyone does from time to time, even the best communicators in the world. This was brought home to me today when I had a discussion with ayli and realized that I had stopped truly listening to what she was saying. I was still hearing the words, but not processing what they meant. Thus, no real progress was made in the discussion and this leads to arguments and fights. However, if I had truly listened to what she was saying, and processed it before responding the argument would most likely have been avoidable. Another reminder that I can't let up on reminding myself to really listen to someone else. It is so easy to get caught up in life and forget to really listen. This whole thing just made me start thinking about communicating and how we talk to one another. The talking is getting better, but the listening still needs work.

2000-11-13T12:46:00.000-06:00

I am beginning to get actively frightened of the pain in my lower back. The neurological symptoms are increasing. I woke up yesterday morning and literally started crying because the first thing I could feel was the pain. My left leg would not move at all. I was almost in a panic. I am very afraid that somehow I have hurt the degenerated disk again. I guess I will find out when I get health insurance and get to the doctor. I will mention it to the pain clinic doctor when I see him again on the 20th. I don'tknowif there is anything he will do for it, but I have to at least let him know what is going on.

Yesterday was an odd day. It started out OK and ended ok, but the middle of the day was not so much fun. I am having my PMS week, which explains why I've felt so "off" for a couple of days. And I am fairly positive that this has been affecting the way I view things. I know that I overreacted to a few things yesterday and in the process said some stuff I probably shouldn't have. But what I over-reacted about still stands as something that I am very much against. The discussion came about about abusive acts in BDSM. No big deal. Normally it is extremely difficult to define any act, by itself as abusive. The act must have the abusive intent behing it in order for it to be abusive. Least, that applies for most things. The question was raised about hitting my lower back. Master stated that if he were to hit it on accident, then continue hitting it on purpose, it would be an abusive act to him. I have to agree with that, especially since anyone who plays with me is made well aware of the dangers of hitting my lower back. With my back the way it is, striking it could cause permanent irreprable damage to the sciatic nerve and thus landing me in a wheelchair. The comment was made that doing such a thing (striking my lower back) on purpose, to teach me a lesson, would be OK. Need less to say this really bothered me.

And I've been thinking off an on ever since. Just where is the line between acceptable punishment and unacceptable punishment in a bdsm relationship. I just can not grasp the idea that maiming someone, or causing permanent physical harm to someone, is an acceptable form of punishment. It may change their behavior, but it doesn't make much sense to me beacuse the behavior would change for the wrong reasons. Some examples that were givne of such things were removal of the clit, cutting off fingertips and creating large scars as a reminder that the person screwed up. I do not think that this is correct behavior. Why purposely harm someone that you are supposed to care for and protect? I just can't see the logic. Now, were these things to be done for body modification purposes, though I don't like them, I can at least understand and accept their occurance. If someone wants to remove their clit, go for it but it certainly isn't for me. I just don't see the purpose in maiming someone because they screwed up. And I can't help it but if someone begged for such a thing to be done in order to gain forgiveness from someone I wonder just where they are psychologically. I mean, to beg to be maimed in order to gain forgiveness for a mistake, just doesn't strike me as all that healthy. I don't know, it's just not something I can conceive of.

2000-11-11T21:15:00.000-06:00

Last night was extremely interesting. Ron and I were online for a while together. He started teasing me online, and would come into the bedroom and play with my pussy. He wanted me to stay horny, he succeeded. At one point he inserted a vibrator and had me turn it on and off at his command. I had to put a towel on the chair. LOL We played quite a bit last night and I loved it! We also talked alot.

One of the things we discussed was his "taking" of me. The night before last he gave me a back rub, during that he got on top of me and just took me from behind. No real concern for whether or not I acheived orgasm like he usually has. He started whispering in my ear about how I belong to him, and he could do whatever he wanted with him. He was pushing me into the bed and holding me down. I was going nuts. I loved it! Last night, he did the same thing a few times. We talked about it. He said that he had been taking things very slowly, not wanting to go too far too fast. Not wanting to scare me. And not wanting to find himself doing things that he really didn't want to do. This being his first time ever living d/s 24/7 he said he needs to learn just what he wants out of it, and how best to go about getting it. He said he has started to feel alot more comfortable with just taking what he wants from me because it has become obvious to him that I like being used that way. Honestly, I am extremely glad that he is taking his time. Feeling out both himself and me. It is making it alot easier for me to feel very secure in my submission to him, and his use of it. He is a very smart man. No matter what I am feeling or thinking, I can talk to him, and he won't freak out all over me. And he talks to me too, which is something I truly love. I'm am so glad that we are together. He said we are growing together and we will continue to do so. I like that too :)

I did alot of work on the web site today. I set up a toybox so people can buy implements and adult toys from my site and I get a percentage from the sales. I added more books to the books pages, specifically the erotica section. I am very proud of the work. I am hoping that these afiliate programs will help in paying for the site. I would love some day to actually run my own business, but that is a long way off.

Well that's about all I can think of to write tonight.