Rough Day

Today ended up being a rather rough day. I read a Xanga entry (blog entry) from my step son that really hurt my feelings. He seems bound and determined to see everything I do, don't do, say or don't say as negative and against him, no matter what it actualy was. And I know that any explanation I give him won't matter, he continues to see things in whatever way he has decided is "right" in his mind. Usually that means whatever makes him look most innocent. Still though, it really hurt my feelings to see him turn around what actually happened when he showed up unannounced and unexpected the other day so that it looks like I purposely snubbed him because I hated him. I don't hate him. I don't like everything he does, but I don't hate him.

I got punished last night, for not doing laundry. I did some laundry today, there isn't much to do though, only a few small loads left, which is kind of nice. So I had my guilt with me today. I always feel guilty when I screw up enough to actually be punished because I know Master does not punish easily.

Then to make matters worse someone decided it would be a good idea to tell me I am not a slave, nor a sub, because I do not immediately agree with everything Master says or does and that I am more than willing to tell him if I think he is wrong. After that blog of my step-son's this crap did not help at all. This guy scares me because he puts himself out there as a wise knowledgeable person about BDSM, and he tells people he has online only experience. I've done both, online and real life, and there is a major difference between the two. It is alot easier to type in "kneels before so and so" in real life when you are angry, not feeling well, cranky or what not than it is to actually do it in r/l. THere are fears and such that crop up in real life, that don't crop up online because in r/l its all real. The dominant is really going to tie you up, or really expect you to do all the housework or whatever is in your relationship. Online, typing in that you wash the dishes is alot more fun than actually washing dishes in real life. I've done both as I said before so I speak, from my experiences, to both. But I try to be very reality based when it comes to teaching newbies. In my opinion it is wrong and downright dangerous to teach a bunch of newbies that they should never ever question their dominant and that if they do they are a bad submissive or slave. In reality subs and slaves question their dominants (and themselves) quite often. The longer the relationship goes on, the less questioning is done because the people involved know each other better, but there are still times where questions are raised.

How each individual relationship handles these questions is one thing, and it does vary. Some require that the slave ask permission to speek freely before they can tell the dominant their feelings or thoughts. Some do not require that. Some require a combination of that. But every master/slave relationship I know of has some kind of arrangement made in which the slave can (and is expected to) question their dominant, or give their opinion and evidence if they think the dominant is wrong. To be told that this is not allowed is a fantasy and a dangerous one. I've been in a relationship where questioning the dominant was not allowed at all and obedience was expected even when I knew the dom was flat out wrong. It was very damaging to me because I was the one who had to deal directly with the mistakes he made. I was the one who got hurt physically or emotionally because the dom was too insecure to let me give my opinion.

We talk about communication a great deal in bdsm. We say how important it is to keep a relationship healthy and happy. Being able to give one's opinion is part of the communication in any relationship. To deny one participant the ability to do that, is to effectively cut them off from communicating at all. Without the communication trust suffers, resentment builds and the relationship eventually dies and at worse it can become quite abusive.

If being able to speak my mind, at my owner's insistence, makes me not a slave or sub in someone else's eyes, then they need glasses and a reality check. I know what I am and I know who is in charge and has final say in all things, and it is not me.

Arguing in master/slave?

Yes, arguing, as in fighting. People seem to think that having a power exchange relationship of any sort, stops any and all arguing that would occur otherwise. This just is not true. People eventually argue, the dynamics of the relationship does not stop the argument. It may provent it from occuring for a while, but sooner or later it will happen. Being a slave makes me no less human than the next person. There are things that agravate me, upset me or get on my nerves. From time to time master and I have disagreements, and once in a while we have out and out fights. Its been a little over a year since our last huge fight, which we had this weekend. I really hate it when we fight like that. Its always a combination of things that just finally became too much for me and the fight was on. Knowing that I started the fight makes me feel quite guilty.

Its really late so I won't go any further than this for now. I need to get some sleep.