You Never Stop Learning

Master and I have lived together for 12 years now, and we are still quite happy with each other. In the past couple of months we both put a little more emphasis on making the power exchange a bit more blatant in our relationship. It had sort of fallen into the background. It wasn't dropped or anything, but due to my being bedridden for 2 years, with extremely high levels of pain and severely curtailed mobility there just wasn't a whole lot of blatant stuff going on. I mean I still handled the things I could do in the manner that master prefers. I still referred to him and he continued to have final say on everything. There just wasn't a lot of daily requirements such as tasks or him requesting service such as my getting his dinner plate, or a drink of water. This occured because I could no longer stand or walk for more than 2 minutes when the changes in my pain levels first started (summer 2010). Over that first year it progressed to my being able to stand for 5 to 7 minutes, but no longer than that. This was very distressing for both of us and of course the situation brought on one of the most severe bouts of depression I have ever gone through.

In my last entry I mentioned how my doctor had switched me to Cymbalta and how it was positively affecting my pain, depression, and my life. It has continued to help me a great deal which has allowed me to develop a social life again! YAY! I'm still working on the "scene reports" (for lack of a better description) of my experiences as the Fall Ball. I have all the basics down and am working on filling in the details, once it is complete I will post it in a series so it isn't a single entry that is 20 pages long LOL

I made new friends with the leaders of our local munch group (as well as some of the members) and thanks to the lower pain level (which increased my mobility again) I started going over to visit Skyclad Mistress a few times a week. I went swimming in her apartment complex pool multiple times. We went shopping together for dresses and lingerie for the Fall Ball, and lots of other fun things. Basically I started having a more normal social life again and it feels fantabulous!

With the relief of much of my depression's symptoms, and the lowering of my pain levels, master and I started talking about ways to once again make the power exchange more blatant in our relationship. As my symptoms improved, I am once again able to do more things around the house without hurting myself or causing a pain crisis. Master is choosing to move slowly with re-implementing service, tasks, play etc. so my physical strength and tolerance can grow and I'll have less chance of a setback. Two years of being mostly bedridden does a number on the strength of one's muscles. Anyway part of this includes writing in my journal again, the written notebook, on a daily basis.

As a result of writing in the journal, and having talks with master we have grown a bit over the last few weeks. It crossed my mind a little bit ago that we have both discovered new things about each other in these last few weeks. This realization caused me to start thinking of how people say things like "you learn something new every day" and other phrases in a similar vein. Master and I have had our issues and rough patches over the past 12 years, just like any couple will have, with the last two years being fairly rough due to my health; but we still have a close bond with each other and can still discover new things as well as continue to grow. What I am finding is that my fear that those two years would result in us growing apart did not come true. Instead we have grown closer together and have learned better means of communicating with each other. I think this is just wonderful because communication is so necessary for bdsm relationships (well any relationship really, but definitely with a bdsm one). With good communication disagreements or arguments don't occur as often and the people involved in the relationship get their needs met more easily. There are apparently always ways to increase good communications skills within a relationship, even one that is 12 years old. :)

I find it nice that even after 12 years together, we still aren't bored with each other and continue to grow as separate people AND as a master and slave and as a couple. We have had some really great talks in the last few weeks and have demonstrated that growth with each other. So now I have another thing to be very happy about thanks to the Cymbalta easing both my pain and my depression. Not only do I get a social life back, go out at least a few times a week, attend parties/munches/events, but I also have a deeper level of trust and intimacy with master again, like we used to have. Some of it kind of stalled during the last 2 years while I was bedridden most of the time. We are once again able to share our thoughts, feelings etc. with each other more readily and openly because the depression is a great deal less severe in me.

I am grateful for the return of a social life, but I am even more excited about and grateful for the ability of master and I to begin growing with each other (while enjoying each other in lots of ways--including the deliciously evil ones LOL) and once more having our m/s relationship be more active and thus grow as well.

Of course being able to play again and make love more frequently doesn't hurt either *wink*

Things are looking much better!

WOW Far Too Long

It has been a very long time since I have posted to this blog and I feel badly about that. However, things in my life have been rather hectic at times. My chronic pain has gotten worse. I fell and got a new fracture line on the left SI joint on Christmas Eve 2010. I've continued to struggle with depression, specially since I'm pretty much bed-ridden. I had to have a cancerous tumor removed from my right breast in the summer of 2010. I did some fundraising for a family friend who's son was badly burned in an accident, which made my chronic pain even worse. I now can not stand for more than 3 to 5 minutes without extreme pain and having my legs give out dropping me to the floor. This, of course, brought about another tough bout of depression which I am currently trying to fight my way out of and not doing very well. I've been in bed since April-May 2011. As a result of the decrease in my ability to walk and the higher pain levels the overt actions of the power exchange in my relationship (such as play, any formal times, lengthy task lists etc.) took a back seat. We both still knew that Master owned me and that he had final say in all things, but overt behaviors became more erratic (such as getting him a glass of water) based upon my pain level.

Since we had some issues with keeping the power exchange at a more obvious level (rather than just the quiet knowledge of who has final say in everything) I wasn't posting here. We haven't played much in the past year either and we both really miss it. Master and I have spent time communicating and thinking about this. In the past, when the more overt dominant behaviors would drop away in the rush of daily life, I was usually the one to bring it up. I would tell Master that I missed it. We would talk about it and end up with a list of tasks I was to perform, rules to follow etc. As a result he would either try to be a bit more overt or he wouldn't. The latter would quickly replace the former and we'd be back where we started. So a while ago I decided to just stop bringing it up. It didn't change the fact that I was owned, nor that I would do things the way I know he prefers them done. It didn't change the fact that he is in charge and what he says goes in 99% of the situations we faced.

We started talking about this tonight and Master told me that when he feels like he is being prodded to do something it gets his back up and he ends up not doing it because it felt like he was being ordered to do it and he does not like feeling that he is being ordered to do something. I thought that might be the case (took me a while to figure that out), so about a year ago I decided to not bring it up and to just see what would happen. I did continue to follow the rules and do things the way he wanted them done. He still had the right to order me to do stuff (which he occasionally did) and he still had final say in all things. After a short while I started to notice that he was giving a few more orders here and there. I did not try to make a discussion about this requesting more than what he was giving at the time. Instead I just enjoyed it and obeyed. I did thank him when he gave an order, or mention that it felt good, but I did not take it further than that. I was curious to see where it would go if allowed to grow on its own. Over the last few months, this has continued to become more frequent. He continues to be very understanding of my physical limitations, but he has taken me to task verbally for my tone of voice, or taking a joke a bit too far and other things along those lines.

In February we attended the Valentine's Day party for our local BDSM group. We had an absolute blast! It was a lot of fun. My pain made it that we had to leave after only a few hours, which made me feel a bit bad, but overall I just felt wonderful for having gone and we had a great time! Around the same time we also started getting back on IRC and reading stuff on FetLife more often. I noticed that as we, once more, entered a bit more into the community itself (interacting with other bdsmers) his dominance continued to become more overt. I've noticed over the past 11 years that when Master and I participate in bdsm discussions, attend group activities, or hang around the chat rooms (including the gorean ones), that it brings the power exchange part of our relationship more to the fore-front of our minds. As before, this is now the case and this resulted in our discussion tonight.

Tonight we went out to eat at Mellow Mushroom Pizza (great food by the way!) and we talked a lot. One of the subjects we toched upon was the power exchange part of our relationship. We have both learned a lot about each other and how we fit together within our relationship as well as the power exchange parts in the past 11 years together (it will be 12 years in June). I have learned that Master is more quiet in his dominance. He isn't one to be micro-managing, or barking orders all day long. He prefers to teach the slave his expectations and preferences and then expects the slave to follow them whether he gives a specific order or not.

However I tended to focus on having tasks or orders given on a fairly frequent basis. I don't like micro-managament so I'm not talking about that, but I mean things like getting him a glass of water, or doing certain household tasks and things like that. I was used to having a dominant that would give those orders or give me a list of tasks to be completed for the next day on top of my regular daily stuff. So for me, there was some adjustment needed to adapt to Master's more quiet style of dominance as well as for me to realize that I do not need daily lists of tasks in order to feel owned and submissive. Also, within myself is the fact that I need to have limits and have them enforced, including punishment as necessary. Again my past experience differed from what Mastere preferred and as I am his first live-in slave he was still learning what worked for him the best and what didn't work for him. Master does not punish easily, nor quickly. My past experiences and his preferences in this area were not fully compatible. So this was another area that we had to work on and grow together within.

So over the past few months as I have noticed him giving more orders, rather than bring it up I just went with it. I was curious to see how it would develop if I let it grow naturally, on its own and in whatever manner Master wanted to go. I am happy to say that it continues to grow naturally. I'm also happy to say that I've managed to reach a point within myself that I do not need a daily list of things to be done (though I do enjoy it when it occurs, like when Master used to send me daily emails).  I would still enjoy receiving emails with tasks in them, but I no longer need them to feel like i am serving Master.

While talking tonight Master told me why he would often pull back when I brought up the subject of wanting/needing/missing more overt dominant behaviors. I had figured it was something like that but it was nice to have his explanation. We had a very good conversation. He told me that he had intended to continue with the more overt dominant behaviors becaues he noticed that I responded to them very well.

It is still pretty amazing to me how I can still learn new things about Master; even after almost 12 years together. He has said he will try to help motivate me to fight this depression and apathy, to help me get back a better quality of life despite the pain. I really hope he continues to do that as I have proven, more than once, that I can't do this all by myself.

So here we go again and I will try to write in here more often as Master told me he wants me to write a journal entry every day, whether it is on paper or on one of my three blogs. He doesn't care which method I use, so long as I use one. His reasons for this are fairly simple; in the past I have always done better when I was writing every day and since I've stopped I seem to have more difficulty in fighting my depression, working things out in my own mind, and more.

I love you Master and I thank you for your patience and your love!

Daily Power Exchange

So many people think that a daily power exchange must be full of rituals, strict requirements, and such. This is true of some relationships, but not all of them. My relationship is a bit more laid back, in part because we still have children in the home. With kids in the house, rituals have to be fairly circumspect. For example, master can not require that I meet him at the door naked, collared, and kneeling when he comes home from work. Its just not the thing to do with kids in the house. But master does have some requirements that could fall under "daily rituals" such as the 20 minutes alone in our bedroom when he gets home from work. Most often we take those few minutes to cuddle with each other and just talk to one another, or tease each other. Sometimes there is a spot of play or we make love.

Day and in day out power exchange is pretty much like any other relationship, we have our routines and tend to follow them. So certain things are just done without an order needing to be given. Master has gotten back to sending me a daily email with a list of tasks he wants me to complete that day. With my health issues there is not always a lot of things on that list, and sometimes it consists solely of "take it easy". Since my last post the emails have continued, and I have done the tasks given to me. My depression has gotten much better with the new antidepressant (thankfully!), which has made a major difference in how I feel and how well I can tolerate and handle my chronic pain. I'm still constantly surprised by the differences in those areas (now compared to 2009). I know that eventually I will get used to feeling so much better and feeling that way will become normal again. Until that happens I will probably continue to be amazed at how much better I have been feeling in so many areas.

Last week master and I spent the night at a lake because friends were vacationing in Florida and had rented a beautiful log home on the lake. We arrived Thursday night (the 10th) and had a blast just talking and joking with our friends. The next day they went tubing on a river and I stayed at the house on the lake because I didn't think my back would be able to handle me being stuck in an inner tube for 3 or 4 hours, unable to shift position when I need to. I didn't mind as I had brought my stitching and crochet with me, as well as a good book. I enjoy having time alone occasionally but with 6 people living here, I don't get time alone very often. So I spent Friday the 11th by myself. It was WONDERFUL! I read a book, did some stitching, sat at the dock with my feet in the water just listening to the sound of water lapping against the dock, the sounds of birds singing and watching people water ski on the lake. It was wonderful and I felt more rejuvenated afterwards, like I had recharged my flat batteries.

We've been working on the yard trying to get the leaves all raked up and the weeds mown down. There is a lot of sand in the soil around here (very close to the beaches) so we don't have a lush lawn of grass. Instead we have patches of grass and weeds. I've been able to do some of the work provided I go slowly, take breaks to gauge the increase in pain level, and stop when I hit a 6. I am also back to doing housework regularly so the house is neater and cleaner, things are also better arranged (budget, meal planning etc) and easier to keep up with stuff like laundry . Most of the tasks master assigns me have to do with those daily activities. He has learned that unless I am in a pain crisis, I can still move laundry even if I am in a lot of pain. It only requires me to turn the machine on, add soap, and throw in some clothes. It only takes a couple of minutes and can be done even if I am hurting badly. So laundry is quite often a daily task.

With the lightening up of my depression, my sex drive has also returned. So in the past 2 months or so (since my last post) we have played a few times and made love more often. It feels great to be myself again and master is very pleased with me.

Master is in Denver this week for his job's continuing education attending a symposium. So he gave me a general list of things I am supposed to do while he is gone. The first thing, as always, is not to push myself and cause a pain crisis. I miss him so much when he isn't here. I have a hard time sleeping because the bed just feels huge and empty. He also has a difficult time sleeping when he is away from home and for the same reason; when he is away I am not there. We've been talking a lot on the phone and hoping the week goes by quickly. It seems to be doing so because it is already Wednesday, which means he will be home in 2 more days YAY!

Well that pretty much catches this blog up to today. Thank you for reading and leaving comments, I do enjoy reading them!

Daily PE

Master has continued to push and I am loving it. Emotionally and mentally I find myself a lot more relaxed, at peace with myself, and a lot happier when the PE is active between us. I understand that sometimes life gets in the way and the PE has to take a back seat for a little while, but when that goes on for too long I end up feeling a bit lost, confused, and anxious. Like something is missing and I start searching for what it might be. He says that he also feels happier and more at peace, which is wonderful!

I continue to feel much better and no longer depressed. I have managed to do everything that master has set as tasks so far this week and then some. The house is much cleaner, more organized and things are getting done regularly. Master says he feels more relaxed when he gets home now, less stressed and that just makes me feel wonderful!

Ebb and Flow of Control

The ideal of power exchange is that it is always "on". There is never a down time, or a period where the PE must take a back seat while the people deal with other issues or because the people involved are just tired. The reality is that sometimes the obvious measures of control do take a back seat or do become quieter for a while.

In my life there are a lot of issues to deal with on a daily basis. We have children, bills, health issues (mine and his), relatives living with us and a toddler among them. Master has a very stressful job as well. Due to those issues there are times where control becomes very subtle or fades all together. This doesn't mean that we do not know who is in charge, I just mean that things like calling me on not completing a task that day and things like play have to take a back seat. There are times where I was awake for 2 or 3 days due to pain and then I finally crash. When that crash occurs, master lets things slide until I catch up with my sleep and the pain settles back into its more normal levels of annoyance.

This can become very frustrating. Even though I understand why it happens, it doesn't change the fact that occasionally my emotions get all confused because of it. When this occurs we end up talking about it and going from there.

We are currently in one of those talking phases now. My pain has been higher because the radio frequency procedure has worn off. Master sends me emails every day with tasks in them, but he decides whether or not to punish for them not being done when he gets home and sees the situation for that day. Days where he comes home and I am in bed due to pain, or sleeping because I was awake for 3 days, or just stressed to the max because the 2 year old was cranky that day, are days where he lets it slide. Sadly, those are happening fairly frequently because of my pain level being higher and thus my mobility is lower. The pain puts a lot of stress on us, and he puts my health and well being before everything. I understand this and I appreciate it a great deal, but that doesn't stop me from having the occasional (and very normal human reaction) negative reaction.

I can only imagine how frustrating this has to be for master as well. Wanting things done a certain way and finding they can be done one day, but not the next, has to be annoying to him as well. Or wanting to play and not being able to because I hurt too much. I feel bad because I know, whether he admits it or not, that my problems must frustrate, annoy, or even downright piss him off on occasion. He is human and has normal human responses. He is an understanding man and he knew what he was getting in to when he collared me and he accepted those limitations. But even when one knows and accepts a situation, they can still have moments where they get frustrated. He has told me in the past that he does occasionaly get frustrated, so I am sure it occurs. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.

No matter what is going on, I know that he loves me and that I do my best to continue to do things for him as much as I physically can. I just wish I didn't have the chronic pain that I have so that I could do more for him. But having an understanding master is just wonderful!

There is a side effect of such a situation for me. I get used to not getting in trouble for not getting all my tasks done and then occasionaly just shrug it off as no big deal, as they don't really matter. When I realize I have been doing this I feel guilty and I realize I have been doing that lately. Not every day, but some days. It is really hard to get back to doing things after I have spent a year in deep depression with no desire to do anything at all. Now that my new anti-depressant is working I have more desire to do stuff and am slowly working at getting back on my feet and doing more.

Well that's it for me. Play safe and have fun!

The Joys Of Play!

I enjoy bdsm pain play activities. I enjoy subspace, but I also enjoy having pain play without achieving subspace. Sometimes I just crave the pain. There is a difference between pain caused by an illness or injury and pain caused by such a scene. My desires for a good spanking had started to ramp up the last couple of weeks, but with the increased back pain we couldn't do anything. Well yesterday I watched some spanking videos and this aroused me and my needs. Last night master and I did some playing and made love. By the second hit I was floating in subspace. Oh it was wonderful!

My nipples and other parts are still sore today but man oh man was it worth it! It satisfied my need for play, but not my need for non-subspace play. That kind of play is harder to do in a house with 6 people because I end up crying and usually fairly bruised, as well the play itself is noisy as he sometimes uses a hairbrush or flogger instead of the cane (which is quieter). Hopefully we will be able to satisfy this need soon.

Today was a decent day. My pain level is up due to playing and fisting last night (which always makes my pelvis hurt, which is why we don't do it very often). Despite the increased pain its been a good day. I had my doctor's appointment, am scheduled for radio frequency diagnostic next Wednesday and I got to drive my Mustang! YAY! I also did some stitching at the doctor's office. I love how, after we play, I am always in a good mood the next day. I feel more relaxed, mentally and physically.

Well that's it for me. Until next time, play safe and have fun!

Wednesday

Today was an odd day. I have felt "off" all day. Probably because I was up all night and was expecting my brother to have a major surgery today. Master took him to the hospital but apparently while I was asleep he called to be picked up so my SIL picked him up. The doctor decided, after my brother was all prepped for surgery, that it didn't need to be done right away since my brother isn't having pain in his legs. So they sent him home. This, of course, wasn't what I was expecting to happen today and I was all set for surgery, visiting at the hospital and recovery and instead, none of it happened, so things feel a bit off.

I slept from 10AM to 1:45PM which doesn't help that feeling of things being off a bit LOL

There was no email today because Master was very busy as work with loads of running around outside of the office. But that's okay because he had told me last night what he wanted me to do today. He ordered me to take it easy because I was in a great deal of pain last night (which is partly why I was awake all night) and it was supposed to rain today which always makes me hurt more. So today was a "take it easy" kind of day.

Something interesting did happen though. I posted last night for the first time in a year in this blog. When I connected my yahoo IM to chat with my daughter (possibly..as she is away for a few weeks) I got a message from another slave. She had apparently found my blog and liked what I had posted, so she contacted me via IM. I've spent most of the afternoon chatting with her. She seems like a very nice woman and we have many things in common. We have experienced similar issues in relationships in our lives, we have similar hobbies (she likes to crochet, as do I), she is disabled and is the same age as me. Her master will be moving in with her next week and I wished her well. She sounds so very happy and excited about it! I wish them both well and hope that their relationship brings them both a lot of joy! So now I have a new friend to chat with and that will be cool.

I went over my son's school work (I homeschool him) today, started 1 load of laundry and emptied the trash under my computer desk but that was it. Mentally I want to do so much more now that the depression has lifted but right now I know I physically can't or I will end up in a pain crisis. I hate when this happens because it is very frustrating to have the conflicting desires battling it out in my head. I have a lot more energy (physically, mentally and emotionally) and this makes me want to do more things but I know I can't. So I've been trying to keep myself busy mentally and distract my mind from the things I can't do right now. Hopefully I will get the radio frequency redone in April or May, and then I can start doing more physically.

When master came home from work, we sat and chatted about his day for a little while. I really enjoy those few moments alone with him but we don't get them uninterrupted very often. Our niece, who is 2 years old, lives with us and if we close our bedroom door she gets upset. She'll knock on the door, try to open it (we have to lock it), yells our names and cries. I feel so guilty when I have no choice but to go to bed and close the door because it upsets her. I don't like scaring or worrying her, which me going to bed during the day does to her.

She wants to spend time with master and I, specially when master first comes home. She doesn't like it when I have to sit in bed duriung the day, instead of in the living room where she can get in my lap or easily get my attention. So when I have to go to bed, she screams and cries. I try not to show my pain around her as it scares her and I don 't want to scare her. But soemtimes I can't help it. If the broken bones in my SI joint rub together or pop/snap/grind it sends a sharp pain shooting through me that I don't expect which will cause me to cry out. She loves me, so she worries when that happens. Though it is really sweet and cute when she insists on someone taking her into the kitchen so she can get me an ice pack for my back. She'll give me a hug and a kiss and say "all better?". She is so cute!

Oh! There was one more thing I did today. I started an essay. Yesterday, before I posted, I went through the comment this blog has received and deleted all the spam ones. I came accross a comment that was posted anonymously (of course) attacking me, my master, and our lifestyle choices on the basis of religion. I didn't delete the comment either as that would be unfair. People who post their opinions in response to my posts have every right to air their opinion whether it agrees with my choices or not. Anyway, this made me think for a few moments and I typed my thoughts into MS Word, which of course resulted in the beginning of an essay. Hopefuly I will get it done soon and post it.

Well that was pretty much it for my day. My pain is up to an 8 so I'm going to go to bed and do some stitching!

Today's Happenings

Master has gone back to sending me emails every work day. These emails contain my tasks for the day. Today's tasks were to pick up the bedroom a little bit and move some laundry. I did both. I also did a bit more. I did some picking up in the dining room, including clearing and cleaning the table for dinner, sweeping the floor and I folded some laundry including all the towels. I also did some picking up from the master bathroom and living room. When my pain went up I stopped so I wouldn't over do it.

I've spent the last couple hours stitching in bed. I figured I would take a break from stitching and post in this blog. I am trying to increase my activities but I do have to be careful and not move too fast.



I enjoy getting a task email from him daily, even though my chronic pain makes it difficult for me to do a whole lot, having those few things to do assists in keeping my submissive side alive. The radio frequency procedure has worn off, so my daily pain level has gotten higher. With the higher pain level, my mobility decreases but I am trying to keep moving as much as I can. Since Master's number 1 rule for me is to not push my back or in any way hurt/harm myself, I have to be careful. It doesn't take much to increase my pain level. This effects me in different ways with the biggest being feeling uselessand feeling that I do not satisfy or please him as much as I want to. I try to remember that he will let me know if he is not pleased and that he will not lie to me by telling me he is pleased when he isn't. But that can be difficult to believe, specially when I am stuck in bed for a few days, or when my pain level will not allow me to play or make love. I am my own worst enemy and do a great job of mentally yelling at myself for the things I have percieved as having been wrong. I have gotten better than I used to be, but I do still come down on myself more than I should. This is something I continue to work on.



I consider myself very lucky to have such an understanding Master. One who doesn't demand that I do things that I can not physically do. One who doesn't demand I hurt myself or tell me I am useless, no good, and that he wants another slave because I am disabled. Sadly there are people out there that are not willing to be in a relationship of any sort with a disabled person and I find that to be very sad. I understand that people all have different wants, needs, likes, and dislikes, and what works for one person doesn't work for another but personally I find that such an attitude (disabled people are not relationship worthy type attitude) speaks volumes about the kind of person they really are. It is not a good thing in my opinion either.



It has been over a year since I have written in this blog. I am sorry about that, but it couldn't be helped. I spent most of last year in a deep depression. It ate up everything! I didn't want to write, stitch, or anything else. I did not realize just how bad it had gotten until after my father passed away last June (2009). I asked my doctor to change my medication and it took a while to get it done. I've been on the new medication for about 2 months now and I feel ever so much better! I no longer want to just sit in a chair staring at the TV and doing nothing that I am not directly ordered to do. I have more energy, I sleep better, and I am enjoying things again! It feels marvelous!



I am hoping to post to this blog at least once a week, if not more often. The goal for this blog was to give readers an idea of what living in a 24/7 m/s relationship could be like. I understand that everyone's relationship is different but I wanted to help people to realize that an m/s relationship still has to deal with all the regular every day stuff a vanilla relationship must deal with. I thought that in order to show this it would be a good idea to blog about my relationship with my Master.

Until next time, play safe and have fun!

Power Exchange In The New Year & Give and Take in a Power Exchange

Master and I did some talking about our relationship and where we would like it to go in the next year. He mentioned wanting some kind of ritual in place and more frequent play as he really misses it (so do I for that matter). He is still considering what rituals he would like to put in place. He has started sending me emails on a daily basis with a task or two that he wants me to do in the email. I enjoy getting those daily emails from him as I have missed having specific tasks to do. I know what he expects on a daily basis, how he wants things done around the house and all of that, but it is still nice to get a specific task ordered. Sending those emails can be considered a ritual of sorts and it seems to be something he likes to do as well.

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day about how relationships change over time, even bdsm based relationships. She was telling me how in the early years of a relationship it is not unsual for the s-type to want to do all the household chores them selves, but as time goes on that may change. For me, I have wanted to do all the household chores myself because I do not work and master does, so I felt that taking care of the house is my job. Sadly due to my physical limitations, it is not always possible for me to do all the household chores. I'm not supposed to move furniture around for example, so when it is time to vacuum under the couch either master or someone else has to move the couch for me. Because of this I had to adjust my preferences to meet my reality early on. This was not easy for me to do and even now I have days where I feel that I am not pulling my weight. Those days always coincide with increased pain that results in decreased mobility. Master is very understanding of my feelings in this area (and most other areas as well).

Anyway as my friend and I were talking the idea of a family as a "team" came up. The point was made that even in a family where the parents have a power exchange based relationship, they are still a team and as such, each party can and should pitch in when needed. I have to agree with this statement. Service based s-type or not, master and I are married and we have children. We are also human. Because of those things there are times where we have to step up and pitch in regardless of the power disparity between us. I do not see this as detracting from my submission or his dominance. I see this as simply the day to day give and take that must occur in any long term relationship if it is to survive.

Separating out power, clarifying who is responsible for what duties, and setting limits on the relationship/behaviors/etc are all part and parcel of a bdsm relationship. But any relationship has to be fluid, there has to be give and take. This also applies in a bdsm relationship. Even with the clearly defined roles and responsibilities of a bdsm relationship, there has to be leeway for the very basic human nature of the people involved.

To me, who does the dishes after dinner does not reflect upon who has more power in the relationship. I think it reflects more upon how master and I care for and love each other that we are both willing to do things that are not typically part of our "role" for the benefit of our family and our relationship as a whole. I think this fluidness is often overlooked when people discuss bdsm parameters with a prospective partner, specially with novices. Many people seem to see the division of power as a way to clearly define who does what in the relationship and that those delineations should erase any need for compromise; so long as the s-type does their part and the d-type does their part then everything will be fine. Sadly no human relationship can be that easily defined all the time. Situations, emotions, needs, wants, desires and abilities all change over time. If the people involved are not willing to change when necessary to meet the needs of those changes when they occur, then I believe the relationship will have great difficulty.

I have decided to write my tasks down in my blog, hopefully on a daily basis. I miss writing in my journal so I am going to try to blog every day, though if something really personal arises that I do not feel comfortable putting on the internet it will go in my paper journal not online. I'm hoping that by doing this I will once again pick up my writing and start working on the many essays I have outlined in my notebooks. I am also hoping that this will help me start working again on my web site as I have fallen woefully behind on it.

Today's tasks:
Laundry
Grocery List
Balance Checkbook
Pay End of Month Bills/Budget
Clean Bedroom
Go to the doctor for follow up appointment
Shower and shave
Stitch for at least 1 hour
Work on writings

Collars

A while back the silver necklace that serves as my day to day collar got broken so I was without it for a while. The other day master fixed it and had me kneel before him to place it on my neck once more. Since then I've felt odd. Not bad or anything, just odd. It has made me wonder if having that physical presence on my neck makes more of a difference to me than I realized. I had always thought that my feelings of submission and being owned would exist just as strong whether I had the collar on or not. I was apparently wrong. I had not realized how much I missed wearing the collar until Master put it back on. I remember missing it a great deal at first, but part of it was caused by my own guilt as it was I who broke it and Master said I had to earn it back, which I am glad to say that I did manage to do. But since he put it back on I feel it constantly and my submissive feelings and the feeling of being owned have either become a bit stronger or are just being noticed more often because the collar is a reminder.

I had not realized how "off" I felt without the collar. I guess I just did not realize how much the collar affected me and how important it is to me. I get the same "something is missing" feeling if I remove my wedding ring for any reason. Having the collar back on my neck makes me feel complete again, less "lost". I know this isn't making much sense, but these thoughts have been floating around in my mind for the last few days so I figured I would go ahead and ramble to see if I couldn't figure out why the thoughts keep popping up. My guess is that they keep popping up because I was not expecting such a difference in how I feel. I feel closer to Master, quieter inside, happier, and more balanced.

Is it a bad thing that a material posession apparently matters that much? My feelings of love, devotion, etc to Master have not changed, I just notice them more often. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the millions of things one has to do on a daily basis and not notice one's emotions. Having the collar on my neck, feeling it, causes my mind to stop and notice how I *feel* more often. I like that a lot. I think it is important for people to stop and pay attention to how they feel, specially about their family and friends. People tend to get so busy that they don't allow themselves to truly think about and feel the connections they have for others. For me, the collar helps me to keep from taking my Master and our relationship for granted. It helps me stay in contact with my submissiveness, my desire to please and how much master means to me. I'm not saying that I stopped feeling those things without the collar on my neck because I did not stop feeling them, it was just easier to forget to stop and let myself just think about our relationship (or think about him) and just feel. If the collar helps me to do that more often then I do not see that as a bad thing or as being materialistic. I guess it is just sentimental.

I do not ever want to be without my collar again, same as I never want to be without my wedding ring. I am very grateful that master chose to keep me (and give the collar back eventually) rather than just outright release me as his slave for what I did. I am pretty sure that it is a mistake I will not make again so long as I remember the differences in how I feel now with the collar on and how I felt for the past 8 months or so without it. If the lesson master wanted to teach me had anything to do with realizing the importance of the collar then he suceeded. There are other things I learned as well, but I do keep some things off the internet. LOL

Written Journal: 8-31: punishment, discipline, tighter rules and feelings

August 31, 2005 at 12:19AM (technically, Thurs. Sept. 1)

I got in trouble today for not doing the checkbook and skipped journal entries. I confessed to Master because I am supposed to, which is something I have a hard time doing. He gave me credit for confessing and lightened the punishment a little bit. Which, considering what it ended up being and how it was done, I am even more grateful than I would have been otherwise. He started with a hard hand spanking and then cane strokes. With my butt, it hurts more to get a caning over an already reddened butt. I am glad to have the punishment over with. Its the first one sinec he tightened up on the rules. I had been severely dreading the first one. Knowing that I had screwed up but didn't have the guts to tell him yesterday was driving me crazy. I felt so guilty, even worse than the guilt was the hurt I felt because I knew I had displeased him. In any situation that is the worst of it for me. The punishment itself does not come close to the pain I feel knowing I let him down and he is displeased. Though, for me as for many slaves, the punishment itself becomes a purging process. It pays off the guilt and hurt. It lets me forgive myself more readily than I could without it. Leaving the trap of guilt and pain makes it possible, much faster, for me to learn from my mistake and reach the point where I feel a strong need to do better from then on, rather than wallow in guilt and beat myself up for days on end.

I was talking to Master about the rules and his stricter discipline. He said that he likes it but that he thinks he will like it better if he is even stricter. But he doesn't want to talk about what changes he is considering until next week. This, of course, raises my curiosity. I'm not sure what areas he wants to tighten up on, but I will find out in a week. I will do my best to try and please him and meet his expectations as best as I can.

I was reading quotes from the gor books the last couple of days. I found myself very surprised by how accurate some of them are! A few years ago when I read them I could understand them logically and how they could be accurate. But now? I not only understand them logically, I understand them emotionally and many of them are very accurate for how I feel as Master's slave. My submission is a great deal deeper because I love Him. The two feed each other now. His use of my submission makes me love him even more and that deeper love makes me want to serve, give and be more for him and then when he takes that more and uses it it goes round and round. I can see now how some slaves can honestly say and believe that their owner can do anything to them or with them and leaving just is not an option. That love --->submission --->dominance --->love cycle can and will cause exactly those thoughts and beliefs. It scares me a little to think (heck, to KNOW) that I will eventually get to that point myself. But even more, it thrills me, excites me and ignites my belly (to use the gorean phrase for it LOL). And yes, the gor books use of a slave's belly is accurate also (in my experience anyway) because the physical sensations that accompany the emotions of submission and the need to serve and please are centered in the belly and it feels real real good!

Good night!

Meeting Expectations

I've been trying very hard to meet Master's newer expectations of me. He changed the time he wants dinner on the table to 5:30 instead of 6 and I've been doing that. Also, the house has been cleaner, which he really enjoys and I've been keeping up with the laundry. So he's been real happy with me. These things may not seem like a big deal to other people, but considering the way my health has been, they are big things to us and to me. I live with chronic pain. The easiest way to explain it is that I have a compound fracture of the left sacroiliac joint, two blown discs and nerve damage in my lower back, pelvis and left leg. So for me, walking around a lot and cleaning are not easy activities. I've spent a great deal of time off my feet in the last few years due to inadequate pain control. With a new doctor came better pain control and with the addition of a second car I am able to move around more and get more things done. This does increase my pain level, but I've noticed that as I get stronger, the pain level lessens. So for me, being able to do more makes me feel real good. Being able to finally keep the house the way I know Master prefers it, also makes me feel real good. The best thing is seeing the smile in Master's eyes, not just because the house is more to his liking, but because he is happy to see me moving around more and having decent control of my pain.

So many people assume that a m/s relationship means the dominant doesn't care much about the slave, only what the slave can do for them. In my experiences this is not true. In my relationship Master cares quite a bit about my health and well being, even more than the condition of the house. I like that we care about each other so much. For me, it increases my desire to please him, to make him happy.

Serving Master

Master mentioned a while back that he would like to see me wearing silks, similar to those described in the gor books by John Norman. There are many different descriptions of silks, but the one he seems to like the best is the one that is similar to a short toga tied at one shoulder. We are planning a get together with some friends from online for this October. Master has stated he wants me wearing silks and serving the dominants at this get together. So today I looked through the Halloween costume patterns at wal mart. I found one that I thought would work so I bought it along with some very pretty red satin fabric. One is a plain red satin and the other is similar to the embroidered satin one sees kimonos made out of. I figured two sets would be a good idea since I'll most likely be kneeling or sitting on the floor. Master also wants me to get some actual silk or a similar material for a third set, only he wants that set to be more see through. The sheer set may or may not be used in October, but will definately be used between the two of us. The idea of wearing silks in front of others sort of scares me. Not so much for Master James as I have already met him a few times in real life, but for Master Fire-Soul since this will be our first meeting. But I am also excited by the idea. Being able to actually serve, in real life, is something I have wanted to do for a long time. Due to the fact that we have children, serving in that manner is a very rare occurance around here. It just doesn't work very well to be scantily clad and kneeling with my legs spread in front of the kids. Somehow I don't think they'd appreciate it very much LOL

Anyway this has brought to mind the whole serving aspect of m/s relationships. Many people ask me "What is service?". The simple answer to that is: anything you do with the intention or for the express purpose of pleasing your dominant is service. Some see only tasks given them directly by their dominant as service. Others see only those things that the submissive or slave comes up with on their own (based on their observations of their dominant's preferences) as service. However, it seems to me that service can't be so narrowly defined. In a master / slave relationship, the slave's every action is often done with the intent of pleasing their owner and/or making their owner's life easier. Having such an intention behind their actions makes them service based.

Service is defined as: (at www.dictionary.com)

1. The performance of work or duties for a superior or as a servant
2. Assistance; help
3. An act of assistance or benefit; a favor
4. The serving of food or the manner in which it is served
5. Copulation with a female animal. Used of male animals, especially studs

Serviced/servicing:

1. To make fit for use; adjust, repair, or maintain
2. To provide services to

Idioms:at (someone's) service
Ready to help or be of use.be of service
To be ready to help or be useful.

All of these definitions apply to a power exchange relationship that includes any acts by the submissive or slave that fit those definitions. These acts need not be directly ordered by the dominant, nor are they only those which the submissive or slave thinks of by them selves. They are any actions or behaviors undertaken by the submissive or slave that maintain, provide services to, are useful, or any of the above. They can include anything from wearing clothing the dominant prefers, cooking and serving a meal, cleaning the house, or engaging in sexual or s/m activities and anything in between.

Slaves tend to be very service based. The intention behind their submission is to serve someone. To be of use, assistance and value to their owner through their actions. The more pleased their owner is, the happier the slave is. For me, everything I do is with the intent of pleasing Master. I try to keep the house cleaned the way he likes it, because he is more comfortable with a clean house. I work hard to keep us on a budget because he likes it when the bills are paid on time and we aren't broke all the time. I prepare food that he enjoys, while keeping to his low cholesterol diet for his health. (which takes a bit of work since Master really loves red meat! LOL) I try to use language the way he prefers, and keep my tone of voice respectful and pleasant. I do my best to complete all the tasks he sets for me in a timely and accurate manner. I am happiest when he is satisfied and pleased. Some people see this as him taking advantage of me, but that is not true at all. The things I do, I do because I want to, because this is what works best for me and makes me happy. Even when I was in relationships that were not power exchanges (be it d/s or m/s), I still preferred to do things simply to please my partner. Not beacuse they demanded or expected it, but beacuse I liked making them happy.

Some people believe that a slave gets no return, or very little return, for all the things they do for their owner. This is just not true. The return is often mental and emotional in nature, but that by no means negates the return. In my relationship the return can also be physical or tangible, depending on what Master wants to do.

Ok I've rambled long enough and it is late. So I'm going to stop here. I just wanted to get some of my thoughts about service out. My mind has decided to work on an article about service and it was driving me crazy and keeping me from relaxing enough to sleep. So I figured I'd toss my thoughts out here until my mind calmed down. Hopefully I can make more sense of them tomorrow and actually work it into a full article for the site. Writing makes me very happy and Master takes a great deal of pride in my writings. He likes how writing makes me feel. He enjoys reading my writings whether they are lifestyle based, fictional, poems or just rambling thoughts that my mind tosses out. This blog and my written journal are ways for him to know what is going on inside me, as well as to learn about me and see how I've grown. I am happy to share these things with him, specially now that I do not fear doing so like I used to.

Good night. :)

Discussions & New Expectations

Master and I talked the other night about how much we have both grown as separate people, as a slave and as a dominant (he grew as a dominant, not me LOL), as a couple and as a master/slave couple. Most of the time I greatly enjoy these conversations when they occur. It is nice to see how far we have come. It is also nice to discuss our goals and what areas we would like to change in present so we will meet those goals. Sometimes it is a goal he sets for me to reach, not a mutual goal. Other times there are mutual goals or one he sets for himself. We also talk about our past goals and whether we have reached them or not. If we haven't reached them, we talk about why we think that is and what we can do to reach it. These are the kinds of conversations that I believe every couple should have. I believe they are even more necessary for people in power exchange relationships.

Such discussions help each participant to see where they were, how far they've come, where they would like to go, and discover ways to get there. Such discussions help both a dominant and a submissive or a slave to see how their behaviors are working within the relationships and affecting their partner. Its a taking stock discussion. From time to time, it is good to take stock. In order to continue to grow people have to see where they've come from and recognize any growth they have already acheived. In a power exchange relationship this lets all participants see what is working, what isn't working and figure out ways to make things work or where to go next.

Master and I are quite pleased with the progress we have made. Master is very proud of how much progress I have made in dealing with my writing issues. So am I actually. It feels good to be able to write again, to enjoy it and to have that *need* to write come up again. I did not realize how much I missed it until I felt it again. It was kind of weird actually. Like part of me had returned from vacation or something. Part of who and what I am is an author. Losing that part of myself changed so many things and I had not realized it. I stopped thinking as much as I used to. I stopped analysing myself and the lifestyle as deeply as I used to. I stopped seeking to understand others as intensely as I used to. All things that I enjoyed a great deal, and all things that helped me to understand myself and others. It feels very good to have that coming back. I hope I never lose it again.

Out of our discussion came a few changes to Master's expectations of me. Now that my back has grown stronger and thus my tolerance for moving around and doing things more, Master has increased his prefences regarding how the house is kept, laundry and meal times.

I have not been feeling well the last couple of days. I think I have a stomach bug. I thought I could sit here for a bit and blog, but my tummy is not happy so I better go lay down. I'll try to finish tomorrow.

Jealousy In A Slave??? No Way!! (umm..reality bites but yes way!)

The Green Eyed Monster. Jealousy. One of the misconceptions about slaves is that a true slave is never jealous because they are happy with whatever makes their owner happy even if that means a second slave or more. This is not true. In this day and age people are more aware of the baggage they carry around, more aware of their issues and emotional/mental scars. I think part of this is because these things are talked about more often and better known than they used to be. I also think part of this is because society has become a "victim mentality"..meaning, blame someone else for everything and no one takes responsibility for their own actions anymore. But that's a different topic. (and a sweeping generalization too..there are some who take responsibility, not everyone is blind to their responsibilities)

Jealousy however, is a very real emotion. It is most often caused by insecurities and fears. In this day and age there are many people in relationships that have insecurities and fears from prior relationships. For me, there are quite a few. Mostly they center around my being afraid that I am not good enough and will eventually be replaced. Partly due to my disability and how severely it affects my day to day life. Partly because I have been replaced a few times in the past. Once due to having had my ex-husband's child, and thus my body changed. Once due to life being too stressful and the guy just couldn't face me cuz I reminded him of that stress. Once due to my back and how it affected my life. So that has created issues. The first and last ones more than the second. I have worked very hard on resolving the issues and the low self esteem which accompanies them, but it has not been easy. I still occasionaly get twinges of jealousy and fear being replaced. Its not as intense as it used to be, but it is still there.

When this happens I feel very guilty, un-slave like even. I don't want to be jealous or fear being replaced or losing Master. But to hide those feelings and lie about them to him by denying they exist, would be even worse in my eyes. So I tell him about them when they occur, even though I worry that they will upset him, make him frustrated with me, or even make him keep some of his own thoughts or feelings to himself out of fear of upsetting me.

An incident occured last night that brought this up for me and I've spent most of today thinking about it off and on, examining my feelings and reactions. Overall I am very proud of myself and how I am handling it. A year ago this would have sparked off major self doubt, fears and depression. Two years ago, I probably would have withdrawn from Master and "licked my wounds" (which would have been self inflicted anyway, as they usually are.) But this time, I told him how I felt and I have not pulled away, nor have I fallen into constant "I must be doing something wrong" thoughts. I did get the spark of fear that I was not good enough for Master, and my mind used my disability and limitations as proof. But instead of letting that fester, I told Master that the feelings were there. He is a very understanding man and very very patient. I am very lucky to have him. (He doesn't like jealousy and such, but he does understand that with my history, some issues are going to be there and take time to heal.) So we talked about it and that talk made me feel better.

As usual such an incident prompted my mind to start working. I have found that the best way to prevent jealousy is to work on the underlying fears and insecurities. If a person has a strong self-esteem and is secure in themselves and their relationship, they are not as prone to feeling jealous. By working on the underlying self esteem issues and insecurities, one can strengthen their resistence to jealousy.

I have come a long way and this incident proves that to me, and for that I am both grateful and proud of myself. But I know I would not have come this far if it was not for Master's love, understanding, patience, and support.

Honor In Slaves and Slavery

I was on IRC today and found myself involved in a discussion that pops up frequently in some gorean rooms. It was the old "slaves have no honor" discussion. I know that some people believe a slave has no honor of their own because a slave owns nothing, their Master/Mistress owns everything. Personally I do not agree with this.

Honor has been defined and redefined many times. When I use it, I mean it to say that an honorable person is one who is honest, trustworthy and reliable. Doing the right thing even when it goes against the crowd. Standing up for what one believes in. But not being arrogant or domineering.

I was trained that a slave's behavior reflects upon their owner at all times. Because of this, the slave carries part of their owner's honor with them. If the slave behaves in a pleasing and appropriate manner, this reflects well on his/her owner. If a slave behaves badly, this reflects badly on his/her owner. But beyond that, I think a slave has their own honor. In reality, slaves in m/s relationships are not raised to be slaves. So they do not have the cultural backing of a slave, and thus their mental state and their emotional states can conflict with their need to be a slave. a slave, in r/l, is also a human being and probably one that has their own interests, jobs and responsibilities. How the slave handles those areas of their life show whether or not the slave is honorable. The same qualities that define honor for a master or mistres, can be applied to a slave in r/l m/s. A slave needs to be trustworthy, honest, and reliable. They need to be able to do the right thing, even in the face of others who do not agree. They need to be able to stand up for what they believe in, what they want and need, so that they do not rush into collars and then regret them later. Honor is something I believe all human beings should have and it applies to both, dominants and subs/slaves.

Being a slave does not mean that I suddenly lack ethics or honor. I am still the same person I was before I became owned. I still have the same values regarding such things as telling the truth and fulfilling my responsibilities. If anything, my values have gotten stronger as now my behavior reflects not only on me, but on my Master as well. I take that very seriously. I know I am not perfect and I do make mistakes, but I try very hard not to make mistakes, specially in public, because I do not want to reflect badly on my Master. Such behavior fits clearly under the term "honor".

ok..lost my train of thought. I'm multi-tasking and I don't do that as well as I used to LOL

Master/slave relationships and the myths around them

beca the slave said...
Great blog! i just started mine, would love to know what you think: http://becasstory.blogspot.com/
Thanks!
beca

I went to beca's blog and read it. She is also a slave in a master/slave relationship. Her blog is similar to mine in so much as she hopes it will help others understand m/s relationships. Thank you beca for sharing your blog with me, I greatly enjoyed it!! I pasted your comment into this post so that others will see your blog as well. I think its a great way to help people understand a master/slave relationship.

In reading beca's blog, I read the comments she has received. One of them included questions that are common myths that people are told and believe about slaves. Which got me to thinking about the article I wrote two weeks ago about such myths. So I decided it would be a good idea to post my articles in my blog, not just on the site. This way, those who read the blog, will see them. Specialy since I know that not everyone wants to be surfing through such a large web site. So here is that article.

Common Myths About BDSM Slaves and Slavery
Author: Raven Shadowborne © June 2005

This article is copyrighted to the stated author(s) and can not be reproduced, copied, reprinted, or posted without the consent of the author. It is used here with permission of the author..

Myths are often created by people who have one or two facts, or part of a fact, and then fill in the blanks themselves. Or myths are created as a source of amusement and entertainment by an author or reader. Myths can also be created simply by how a story changes when it is passed along verbally, as anyone who has ever played “post office” can attest to. Myths can also be created when one instance or experience becomes verbally generalized to make it apply to everyone.

Myths about bdsm are just as prevalent. The most common reason for a myth to form about bdsm is a lack of experience or knowledge on a specific topic. Rather than learning more before educating others, some people assume they know more than they do and inadvertently create a myth to fit or expand their knowledge. Others create myths to deter people from engaging in a bdsm activity that they find objectionable.

Many myths exist about slaves. Some of these myths are created due to fear, lack of knowledge or understanding, and in some cases as a deliberate choice to not learn the truth about slaves. People pass these myths along to others as factual information and perpetuate the cycle of intolerance and ignorance that surrounds slaves and slavery. This creates more myths, misunderstandings and miscommunications as time goes on.

The most common myths about slaves, in master/slave based bdsm relationships, which I have heard, are included in this article and followed by the truth (as I understand it) behind each myth. These truths are based on my experiences as a slave, and on many discussions I have held with other slaves in order to learn more.

Myth 1: Slaves are doormats who obey everyone and blindly become whatever their owner tells them they are because they have no sense of self and no thoughts of their own.

Truth: Doormat is a term often used to deride slaves. It means that a slave lets himself or herself be walked on and they have no thoughts or opinions of their own. For the majority of slaves, this is not true. Slaves have just as many thoughts and opinions as other people do. Owners take pride in having a slave who has well thought out opinions and who is capable of thinking for them selves. They can provide the owner with much needed input that the owner can use to make informed decisions and choices for both the slave and the relationship. Also, slaves who can think for them selves are more capable of handling responsibilities the owner gives them without needing constant supervision and they provide intelligent and challenging conversations with the owner. Many master / slave relationships have rules that govern how and when a slave can tell their owner of their thoughts, feelings and opinions. Despite the variations in this area, every relationship requires such input from the slave. Owners often value a slave who thinks for themselves and find such a slave to be more pleasing.Obedience is a requirement for a slave and is pleasing to an owner. However it is not true that a slave will obey anyone that comes along. Slaves must obey the rules and expectations of their owner to the best of their abilities. Sometimes this means submitting to and obeying another, but such is always done by order of the owner and not every owner will share their slave this way.
Being a slave does not erase individuality. Instead, it enhances it. Often slaves who are unowned must hide or exert a lot of control over their submissive and service based nature. Society does not approve of people who are submissive or people who are happiest when they serve another before themselves. The very nature of a master / slave relationship allows a slave the freedom to express every part of their personality and hide nothing. It encourages the slave to grow as both an individual and a slave. Every slave is different; with different likes, dislikes, wants, needs etc. A slave must have a good working knowledge of who they are and what their wants, needs, expectations etc. are. It is impossible for a person who does not know who and what they are to give those things over to the control of another because you can not give away what you do not have or know. A slave and their owner use this self awareness to help the slave grow and to make changes in the slave’s behavior and mental state. Often these changes are discussed before the slave submits by the prospective owner telling the slave their expectations of the slave (including behaviors they want and those they do not want). This allows the slave to decide if this is how they want to be, the relationship they want to be in, and gives them a chance to consent. These changes are beneficial to the slave, helping them to be more of the person they want to be and to be more pleasing to their owner. Master / slave relationships require the same kinds of compatibility as vanilla relationships with the addition of bdsm compatibility. In order to achieve this, the slave must know themselves well and have a strong belief in them selves.

Myth 2: Slaves are actually abuse victims who take any and every thing their owner dishes out.

Truth: It is true that abuse exists. It is also true that abuse exists in bdsm. Further it is true that many slaves have been abuse victims at some point in their lives. It is NOT true however, that all slaves in master / slave relationships are current victims of abuse. There are many differences between an abusive relationship and an m/s one. As well as differences between a slave and a victim of abuse. The most important difference between a victim and a slave is CONSENT. In an abusive relationship, the victim is not informed beforehand that their partner is going to abuse them. They do not discuss what kinds of abuse will be used or anything else along those lines. Therefore the victim gives no consent to the actions of the abuser. For slaves there are discussions of what will be expected, what kinds (if any) of b/d or s/m activities might or will take place, what the rules will be, how the owner will enforce these rules and so much more. All of these discussions are designed to give the slave the information they need to make an informed choice to consent or not consent. These discussions are also intended to prevent abuse through consent, determining compatibility, determining goals, informing each participant of any issues that could effect the relationship and more. The whole point is to learn if a relationship between those specific people will be a healthy and fulfilling one for them.
It is true that once a collar is accepted a slave is then expected to accept whatever the owner chooses to do. However, this is directly impacted by the numerous discussions before the collar and the continued communication that takes place after the collar. In a dominant/submissive relationship, the submissive is allowed (and expected) to set limits on what the dominant can or can’t do. This is not true for most slaves. However, it is expected for the slave to inform their owner of any condition or situation that effects how they will receive and respond to the owner’s actions. But the final decision of what actions to take or not to take, is up to the owner. A slave should be sure they fully understand and can accept what the owner will (or might) do, and what the owner is capable of BEFORE a collar is placed. Any limits are set by the owner, so it is imperative that a slave submit to an owner whose limits closely (or exactly) match their own. In this way, the owner’s limits extend to the slave and the slave does not have to set the limits themselves (yes it is a tiny distinction, but an important one). Some m/s relationships use contracts to spell out what is expected by each person, what is or is not accepted and more. These contracts often include guidelines for the slave to follow if they want release or if the owner starts to do unsafe things. Some areas can be compromised on, if the owner is willing to do so. (Some owners are not willing to compromise.) Things like clothing choices, toy preferences, types of play that need to be worked up to/introduced slowly and similar things can be compromised on. Other things such as sexual preferences, monogamy, polygamy and anything else that is a true NEED for the person, should not be compromised on as doing so usually leads to a bad ending.

Myth 3: Slaves can not take care of themselves and want an owner because they believe having one will solve all of their problems and the owner will take care of everything for them.

Truth: Unfortunately I can not say that this is completely false because there are people out there who are exactly this way and believe having an owner will fix everything. I can say that this is most commonly seen in people who are very new to bdsm, with little or no experience and is not found in just m/s relationships but in d/s ones as well. It is also known in purely vanilla relationships as the Knight In Shining Armor Syndrome. It is also true that people who are like this are the minority, not the majority. The truth of the matter is, this just does not work and is untrue for the vast majority of slaves as an m/s relationship is not a co-dependent one..Slaves must be capable people. First and foremost they must be able to take care of themselves. A person cannot take care of someone else unless they can care for themselves first. Many slaves have a lot of responsibilities. Some are required to do budgets, take care of the house, and/or assist their owners with a small business. Some have less complicated responsibilities, but regardless of what the specific responsibilities are the basic fact remains the same. The slave is expected and required to fulfill those responsibilities to their owner’s satisfaction. In some cases, slaves are required to take classes and learn how to do something their owner wants them to do. The slave’s goal is to please their owner. To be able to meet that goal, a slave has to be able to take care of themselves to ensure they will be able to take care of their owner and their responsibilities.An m/s relationship does make some things easier. For example, the division of power is very clear resulting in fewer power struggles (with a preference that there are none at all). This is easier than a vanilla relationship where power struggles are more frequent over such things as “Whose money is it?”, “who takes out the trash?” and other subjects that are clouded by the expectation of full equality. Having an owner does fix some things such as the desire to serve. An owner gives the slave someone to serve, thus satisfying this need and “fixing” any confusion or need to suppress it. However, other issues such as low self esteem, depression and similar issues, cannot be fixed by an m/s relationship and in many cases an m/s relationship will worsen those issues. Being owned is not a solution to life’s problems and issues. It is a relationship and thus adds issues of its own to whatever issues already exist in a person’s life.

Myth 4: Slaves are stupid and incapable of identifying their own wants/needs

Truth: It cannot be said that all slaves have a superior intellect, nor can it be said (truthfully) that all slaves are stupid. Logically speaking since both kinds of human intelligence exist, the same variations are found in slaves. However, less intelligent slaves have been rare in my experiences. I have seen slaves pretending to be stupid due to some mistaken belief that it makes them a better slave. This is not true. Often, these are people who are new to bdsm and master/slave with little experience. Slaves must be intelligent because they are often relied upon to handle many of life’s day-to-day aspects and to do so without constant supervision and directions. This requires problem-solving skills and extensive knowledge of how their owner prefers things to be. Slaves also need strong observation skills so they can learn what pleases their owner without them having to explain every tiny detail. Slaves are expected to learn quickly and to put their knowledge into practice on a consistent basis. Intelligence is required for these things and more. A slave’s intelligence coupled with their strengths, individuality and self-reliance direct effects their ability to identify their own wants and needs and to separate them properly. Speaking on an basic level, people only need those things that sustain life (food, clothing, shelter and intellectual stimulation), and everything else is a want. A slave must be able to tell the difference between things they truly need and things they want. This can be very hard to do, but with practice can be done. Someone with little intelligence, minimal self-awareness, and a lack of mental or emotional strength has a very hard time differentiating between the two. A slave who sees everything as an urgent need quickly frustrates their owner. This puts the slave’s focus on them selves over their owner and m/s will not work that way. Slaves are expected to inform their owner when a need arises and many also like to be aware of a slave’s wants as well. Most owners want to meet their slave’s needs because they know that needs must be met in order to kept he slave at their best. Many will try to meet a slave’s wants as well, often as a reward or because they love the slave or any other number of reasons. Owners are not mind readers, so it is up to the slave to be able to recognize wants vs. needs and inform their owner.

Myth 5: Slaves are weak.

Truth: Weak human beings exist, so I am sure there are weak slaves somewhere. (Weak is being used here to mean mental/emotional weakness, not physical strength) However, such weakness is the exception rather than the norm for slaves. Slaves are strong individuals and have to be so for many reasons:

1. They must overcome society’s (and probably their upbringing) ideas of a “good relationship”
2. They must have insight into and a good working knowledge of them selves. Weak people are unable to have these as they lack the strength to take such a deep look at themselves and usually have low self esteem and a skewed self-image
3. Slaves have to reveal all of the knowledge this insight gives them to their owners. It takes a great deal of courage and mental fortitude to share these inner things with another.
4. They have to have the self-control needed to live up to their end of the bargain as a slave. This takes strength, especially when they aren’t in the mood or don’t like a task given them. At these times they must rely upon their strength to complete these tasks and to behave in the manner they agreed to upon submitting to their owner.
5. Giving complete control of one’s self to another is scary and very difficult to do. Our culture does not teach people how to do this and it is not easy to do. Doing this places the slave in a very vulnerable position (physically, mentally and emotionally vulnerable). It takes strength to give this control and to maintain submission.
6. Slaves have to maintain all they currently are, and continue to grow as a slave, partner, lover, friend and every other role/title used to describe a person. Someone who is mentally or emotionally weak, can not grow because they lack the strength needed to identify areas that can be improved and to learn from their experiences.

All of these things take courage, strength and commitment to accomplish. A weak person would not be successful with this over time. Slaves do have weaknesses or bad habits, they have moments of fears, confusions, doubts etc., and they get tired, same as all people do. Slaves have these moments because they are people not because they are slaves. It is very common for others to blame slavery as the cause for those moments or times in a person’s life, when the true culprit is life itself and the fact that we’re human beings. The inner strength of a slave shows best during these times because it is that inner strength that makes it possible for them to continue being a slave during those down times.
Myth 6: Slaves are all the same and have (or are not allowed) no interests outside of their owner.
Truth: This myth is one that is often used to put down slaves. They are called robots, Stepford slaves or cookie cutter slaves. Despite the many similarities between slaves, once you get beyond these surface similarities differences become apparent. Slaves are human beings and as such there are just as many variations in personality, interests, behaviors, etc. in a group of slaves as there are in other group of people. On top of these human variations, slaves vary in bdsm areas as well. For example: The desire to please others is a similarity between slaves. However, the intensity, reason behind it, and expression of this desire differs from one slave to another. The same can be said for most, if not all, of the personality traits found in slaves. It is these variations that make each slave different. They also make which relationship type and owner that works for them, different. If slaves were all the same, there would be no need for compatibility discussions or any of the other things that are done before a commitment is made. Any slave would do for any owner. It is these very differences that make a slave right for one owner and wrong for another, and make growth possible. As for interests outside of one’s owner’s interests (such as hobbies, studies, friends etc.) every slave has them. Again, this is because slaves are people, not just slaves, so they have the same variety of interests as any group of people does. Most experienced owners encourage their slaves to continue with their interests and hobbies. For the owner, these things were most likely part of the attraction they have for that particular slave. Most owners want their slaves to be all of who they are and to enjoy their lives and they know that to do these things, the slave must have interests and such outside of slavery and bdsm so the owner encourages those interests and activities. If however, a slave’s interests or hobbies (and even friends) are detrimental to the slave, the owner might choose to make the slave stop or at the very least cut back on them. It is also not uncommon for a slave and their owner to learn more about any hobby or interest that they do not have in common so as to grow closer together. Also, people sometimes just need a break (especially during periods of stress) and a hobby can provide stress relief and the very break the person needs. Experienced owners know this as well and allow (even encourage) their slave to take such breaks.
These are the most common myths about slaves and slavery that I have seen or heard in my experiences so far. As one can see, these myths are often based on misunderstanding and/or a lack of knowledge or experience. These myths can cause a lot of harm sometimes if people believe them and then base their behavior in their relationship on them. These myths have often been used to insult, belittle or otherwise hurt a slave (even to a point of causing mental/emotional harm). Most often I have this done by people who are not slaves yet are somehow insecure or otherwise bothered by slaves, so they put them down. A master/slave relationship, when entered into with full knowledge before hand, can be a very healthy and happy relationship for those involved.
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I do hope that this particular essay helps those who read this blog to understand some of the realities of a master/slave relationship, and that it helps shed light on the many myths and misunderstandings that exist about these relationships.

Old Guard, New Guard, The way I was trained

I was doing some reading today. I came accross some articles regarding the history of the leather scene and read them. It was quite fascinating reading to be honest. Some of it was very familiar to me, not because I was there when these things were the norm, but because they were the things my mentor taught me.

I have told others that when I got online and found lots of people who enjoy bdsm and things like that, I made the mistake of trying to model my reality after what others told me was *right*, only to have it fail, of course. Rick, whom I consider my mentor, is the one who opened my eyes to realizing that bdsm is personal and it is what I make of it, what is right for me and my partners. He used to talk alot about the group he had been a member of for over 20 years down in Texas where he lived. He related to me things like group rules, ownership of a sub (but they were all called masochists or slaves), who owned the collar, who bestowed a collar, how a sub/slave was handled within the group itself and so many other things. It was he who showed me that I did not have to engage in a relationship where I have the final say and can say no whenever I want and have it obeyed if I did not want such a relationship. He trained me in formality, rituals, positions and ettiquette. The things he explained to me and showed me how to do, matched my feelings and desires better than d/s ever did.

Ok..gotta take this call..will finish later

New Tasks

I have a new responsibility, but its one that should be both a lot of fun and a lot of work. Ayli and I are now the leadreship of out local BDSM group! It should be a lot fun. Getting to meet new people, getting out of the house at least one night a month. I'm hoping we will make somre good friends in the grop.

Ok I am falling asleep here So I am going to have to stop here. I'll try to write more tomrrow

What do I do all day

This is a question I get asked a lot. I'm not sure if its because people get trapped by the words master/slave, or total power surrender or what. But it seems to be asked of those who call themselves slaves, more often than those who call themselves submissive. It as if it is more acceptable to be a sub than it is to be a slave. This never ceases to amaze me, though I suppose I should be used to it by now.

Some seem to think that being a slave is no different from being a sub and therefore their duties are clearly spelled out by the dominant and they end there. This is not true, as I am sure it is not true for all submissive either. Part of being a successful submissive or slave is having the desire to please your Master. This means in both the ways he orders you to and in ways that you simply notice he enjoys and then doing those things for him even though he did not ask you to. Many dominant like this initiative taking in their slaves. It shows that the slave truly is interested in pleasing the dominant before themselves. Can this be manipulated and used in a negative manner? Yes it can, but then so can just about anything in any relationship, vanilla or Buddhism.

So my day..Well my daily tasks are as follows:

1. take care of my back
2. straighten out at least one room in the house a day
3. do 3 to 4 loads of laundry (washed dried and put away)
4. balance the checkbook (once or twice a week)
5. pay bills on payday (go over the bills I selected to pay with Master for his approval and make any changes he desires
6. take good care of the children
7. dress in a manner that is pleasing to him *usual means skirts and no panties*
8. write in my journal or blog
9. anything that Master adds and sometimes he does add things

Mostly my day is like most other people who are stay at home moms with 3 teenage daughters and an 8 yr old son. Lots of time is taken up caring for the kids, helping with homework, straightening out and all that stuff. So all of that is included.

For me however, the mental knowledge . No certainty, that everything I do is to please Master often make a difficult day a little easier. I try to remember that I am supposed to be pleasing him, and sometimes this stops me from making the common errors I made in the past like snapping at people for no reason, or getting angry for nothing at yelling at people. Both habits I so badly wanted to break. It seems I finally have. To watch me go about my daily routine you would have no idea that I was owned. The power exchange is subtle and quiet. It can get loud and overt if the situation warrants it, but most of the time it is simply this very quiet knowledge within myself that I belong to Master and that everything I do either must please him or have a really good excuse for not pleasing him.

Some think there is a magic potion, that somehow a bdsm relationship is more exciting, more thrilling day in and day out. The truth of the matter is, it isn't. Sure at first, there is a lot of that excitement that accompanies any newborn relationship. Of course this is intensified by the fact that the play is quite intense. For many, it is their first time playing, so possibly they see their partner as the only one who can ever make them feel this good and poof, love is born. But like any other relationship, that initial infatuation stage will wear off. Many take this to mean the relationship is over, but it isn't. So long as there are solid reasons for being together, those reason can step forward now and provide the basis to continue the relationship. Stuff like, major things in common, mutual agreement on many or most bdsm related issues, common view on religion, sports, etc. The belief that your partner is your best friend and you can turn to them for anything at any time. These are the marks of a true loving committed relationship in my opinion. And you need these basis in the relationship to take over when the infatuation/lust period wears off. I was lucky in that Master and I had a great foundation upon which to base the relationship when the infatuation wore off.

I do the same things everyone else does in real life. I shop, cook, clean, watch kids, and do what my Master tells me to do. If I fail, I confess it and expect punishment. That's abut it for what I do all day.