Returning To This Blog

I last wrote in this blog back in March of this year (2012). In that entry I discussed how the power exchange between master and I was different from what I was accustomed to and trained to in the past. We had recently talked a great deal about these things and I found that my decision to let go of my expectations (based on past experiences) turned out to be exactly the right thing to do.

Sadly my depression continued to worsen, as my constant level of pain remained very high (between a 7 and 8 as the normal constant level with spikes to 9 and 10 regularly) as well as my ability to move around remained extremely low. Master did continue to make service type requests of me (such as getting him a glass of water) if my back allowed it, sadly this did not happen very often. Not because he did not want to request service (he did want to; very badly even!) but because I physically could not do it. As a direct result of the constantly high levels of pain and severely decreased mobility (pretty much bed-ridden all the time) my depression hit a level I have not experienced before. This, despite taking anti-depressant medication on a daily basis. Apparently this medication just stopped working.

My doctor replaced it with a different medicine and it helped for a couple months, but not longer than that. I didn't realize that this medication was not really helping me. I wanted so badly to think that I was improving that I ended up in denial about my actual state of depression. I started to use old coping mechanisms from childhood; the ones that helped me to survive even if they did hurt me at the same time. I started dissociating from the people around me. Since I was stuck in bed all day every day, I spent my days surfing the internet. I read blogs, web sites that were supposed to be funny (and some really were!!), YouTube videos and such. I don't recall most of what I read or watched because I wasn't really paying attention. Instead I was using the web as a means of dissociating from my daily life and condition.

In addition to the dissociation, apathy also hit me very hard. I just didn't truly care about doing anything. I read the same book for weeks at a time, over and over, because I just didn't care enough to get a different book off the shelf. It was very bad. I had mentioned these things to my doctor at every visit, but I was ignored. Finally master came to an appointment with me. With him being there the doctor was much friendlier and actually listeened to what master told him (which were the exact same things I had been telling him [the doctor] for months! Anyway the result is that they switched me to a different anti-depressant, Cymbalta. In addition to helping ease depression symptoms, Cymbalta is FDA approved to help treat the pain of fibromyalgia and the muskuloskeletal pain of low back injuries.

I did not expect the Cymbalta to do anything for my pain. After a couple of weeks of taking the Cymbalta at the 60mg dose (half of the usual daily dose for depression) I started to notice changes. I was able to stand for a couple minutes longer, my pain wasn't feeling as "sharp" or "intense" as usual, and my overall constant pain level was lower than usual; instead of 7 -8 I was hovering around 6-7 most of the time. As more time went by these changes continued to get stronger. As a result I had to admit that the Cymbalta must be doing something because it was the only change in my medicine or routine. I began to get excited, though I tried not to get my hopes up too high just in case this improvement was temporary.

Well, it's been just under 4 months since I started taking Cymbalta every day. I haven't had any major side effects, or allergic type reactions to the medicine either. Instead my pain levels continued to change. I am so freaking excited!! I am feeling impatient to find out if the increased to usual dose of 120mg a day will lower my pain even more. Anyway since switching to Cymbalta I can now walk around a store for an hour (dress shopping for the Fall Ball held by Submissive Round Table in FL) without having to sit on the floor. I did have to sit in the dressing room and then againon the chairs near the front door. But instead of needing to sit and it taking 3 or 4 hours to actually help, I only needed to sit twice and neither one was an emergency! I babbled all the way home to Skyclad Mistress's house and for the rest of the night. I was just so excited when I realized what I had done. The pain crisis I was epxecting did not happen even though for the past few years a pain crisis was my usual reaction.

Thanks to this less intense and lower pain level I've actually been able to do more. Even better my desire to *WANT* to do stuff has returned as well! I've been going out to a friend's house to hang around, chat and swim in the pool that the apartment building has. I've been doing more at home such as cleaning, cooking, moving laundry and stuff. I haven't felt this low level of intensity in at least 10 years or so. It is just fantastc! As a result I find myself loving Cymbalta a whole lot more. I am so very very happy with the results!

The Cymbalta made it possible for me to go to my first weekend bdsm event. I was able to stay through the entire weekend! Since this entry is already very long I will write up my experieences at the Fall Ball in another entry.

Man am I a happy camper! LOL

A very good day

Today was a great day despite the fact that nasty thunderstorms and havnig a physician's assistant (PA) poking, proding and pressing at my back has caused my pain to be pretty high. First, I had my pain management appointment. The doctor's office has hired yet another new physician's assistant and today was my first time seeing her. I was very nervous because being a pain management patient is difficult even with a great doctor. It is not unusual for the doctors and PA's to assume you are a drug addict without even bothering to read your chart or getting to know you so when you show up at the office for your appointment they already have their minds made up about you and you are now at a disadvantage. Everything you say, your body language etc. are all closely watched for any sign that you divert your medications or don't really need them. I've had doctors tell me that I was too young to have such pain, that breakthrough pain doesn't exist, that its all in my head and more. Right, a broken pelvis is all in my head. But I was lucky this time. Denise, the new PA, is GREAT! She actually listened to what I had to say and when she asked what my diagnosis was and I told her failed fusion to the left SI joint resulting in a permanent compound fracture, she told me that this would cause a great deal of pain. I was very surprised! Usually I have to try and convince the doctors that a broken pelvis is very painful, but not with Denise.

It was a great visit and I look forward to working with her in the future. She was easy to talk to, she listened, and she knew what she was talking about. She told me that the reason my appointments were now down to every three months (instead of monthly) is because the office has me on the list of "safe" patients. Meaning they know I follow all the rules, take only what I am prescribed the way it is prescribed, that I am not in danger of becoming addicted, that I don't divert my medication and I won't divert it, basically that I am trustworthy. I already knew that about myself, but it was still very nice to hear that my doctor and PA know it as well.

While I was in the waiting room I was stitching, like I usually do. I met a wonderful older woman named Grace. She comes from Panama and she used to stitch a lot. She can't do it anymore due to her health. She apparently has a lot of patterns that were passed down in her family from her grandmother and mother. She wants to give them to me because she could see how much I enjoyed stitching and she wants the patterns to go to someone who will enjoy them. I was so very touched by this! I will definitely treasure those patterns and probably stitch a bunch of them.

After the appointment I was hurting pretty badly thanks to the physical exam and the thunderstorms that are moving through the area. So I took a short nap, which helped a little. Master comes home tomorrow. I can't wait! I have missed him so much! The house always feels so empty when he is not here. I haven't heard from him yet today but I'm not too surprised. The person who set up his reservations screwed up and his hotel room was booked only until this morning. The hotel is also overbooked so he couldn't just add the day like he wanted to. Luckily a friend and co-worker is at the same symposium as him so he will share his room with master. I can't wait for him to get home tomorrow. I am expecting that when he gets home we will go into our room, close and lock the door and just spend some time together. Neither of us sleep well when we are apart so I am really looking forward to having him back in bed with me.

Due to the increased pain today I haven't done much because I know master would have ordered me to rest and take it easy. His number one rule for me is to not do anything that would hurt my back more. So when I am hurting real bad, I am supposed to take it easy. I am hoping I will feel better tomorrow so I can get some stuff done before he gets home.

All in all a very good day!

Oh the repayment for a spot of fun

Master and I went out on a date on the 28th. I spent most of the next week paying for it. We went out to dinner and then raided the book store as we both love reading. My lower back was very very upset by this and hurt like hell. I ended up spending 3 days mostly in bed to try and get it to calm down. When it finally calmed down my period showed up, which is always accompanied by increased pain in my back and pelvis due to cramps and bloating. And now I am sick. Oh yay!

Master has continued daily emails with tasks in them and I've done the best I could, but many of them have had to slide because I was stuck in bed with extreme pain. I did move laundry though after the first two days in bed (I think..this head cold is making it hard to think LOL). Sadly Master woke up sick today and is not feeling good either. Oh well.

Here's hoping next week is a better week.