Conflicting Emotions

I tend to be a very capable and independent person. When I am in the process of taking care of something, I go ahead and deal with any snags that pop up during the process. However, there is a line between taking care of business and stepping on Master's toes and taking care of what should be his business. I do a lot better at not crossing that line than I ever used to, but sometimes it is very very hard. It causes emotional conflict and sometimes I get mad. It becomes a conflict between what I know I am capable of doing, and what I know I am allowed (or not allowed) to do. In my relationship there are very few areas where Master does not allow me to go ahead and do whatever I am capable of doing, to his expectations of the outcome. So such conflicts are rare. Heck, conflict between him and I is very rare anyway, which is one of the things I love most about our relationship. Anyway, back to my topic. I was thinking about this kind of internal conflict today, partly because of a few posts I read on an email discussion list and partly because I read back in my written journals and it brought the topic to mind.

This is an internal conflict that is both mental and emotional and affects every slave, submissive and bottom at some point in real life. It can also occur in online relationships, but it is more common in real life. Real life doesn't have a backspace key and we tend to be stuck with whatever pops out of our mouths. Submission, of any level/intensity, is a difficult thing at times to do. For me these conflicts happen when I get stuck being in "capable do everything Mom" mode all day long. I tend to not realize I am doing it and don't transition back to slave fast enough and boom, a conflict arises when Master orders me to do something or orders me to let him handle something. I'll be going along through my day balancing the checkbook, shopping, solving problems the kids have, cleaning, handling insurance things and whatever else comes up and my brain gets into "taking care of business" mode. Then Master comes home and says "I'll handle that, you've done enough" and it feels like I'm about to choke. My mind freezes and I stand there shocked. Then I start having the conflict, my mind says "I CAN do that!" and my heart says "its up to him" and my mind argues "yeah but *I* Can do that! I'm not stupid!" and on and on it goes. I end up having to take a few deep breaths and a few minutes to consciously make the switch from "do it all" mode to submissive mode.

Some people like to say that a submissive or slave should ALWAYS feel submissive and if they don't they are not true submissives or slaves. This is just so not true. I am a human being, and no mood or feeling is constant, there all the time without any variation or change no matter the situation. Feeling submissive is the same. I have noticed that as time goes on, making the transition is easier and the conflicts arise less and less often and are less intense. I know part of that is because I have pretty much healed from the stuff in Arizona and part of it is due to the stability and trust in my relationship. The more time we are together, the more consistent and stable things become and I really like that.

Well I'm going to go chat for a while since I haven't really chatted all day.

Meeting Expectations

I've been trying very hard to meet Master's newer expectations of me. He changed the time he wants dinner on the table to 5:30 instead of 6 and I've been doing that. Also, the house has been cleaner, which he really enjoys and I've been keeping up with the laundry. So he's been real happy with me. These things may not seem like a big deal to other people, but considering the way my health has been, they are big things to us and to me. I live with chronic pain. The easiest way to explain it is that I have a compound fracture of the left sacroiliac joint, two blown discs and nerve damage in my lower back, pelvis and left leg. So for me, walking around a lot and cleaning are not easy activities. I've spent a great deal of time off my feet in the last few years due to inadequate pain control. With a new doctor came better pain control and with the addition of a second car I am able to move around more and get more things done. This does increase my pain level, but I've noticed that as I get stronger, the pain level lessens. So for me, being able to do more makes me feel real good. Being able to finally keep the house the way I know Master prefers it, also makes me feel real good. The best thing is seeing the smile in Master's eyes, not just because the house is more to his liking, but because he is happy to see me moving around more and having decent control of my pain.

So many people assume that a m/s relationship means the dominant doesn't care much about the slave, only what the slave can do for them. In my experiences this is not true. In my relationship Master cares quite a bit about my health and well being, even more than the condition of the house. I like that we care about each other so much. For me, it increases my desire to please him, to make him happy.

Serving Master

Master mentioned a while back that he would like to see me wearing silks, similar to those described in the gor books by John Norman. There are many different descriptions of silks, but the one he seems to like the best is the one that is similar to a short toga tied at one shoulder. We are planning a get together with some friends from online for this October. Master has stated he wants me wearing silks and serving the dominants at this get together. So today I looked through the Halloween costume patterns at wal mart. I found one that I thought would work so I bought it along with some very pretty red satin fabric. One is a plain red satin and the other is similar to the embroidered satin one sees kimonos made out of. I figured two sets would be a good idea since I'll most likely be kneeling or sitting on the floor. Master also wants me to get some actual silk or a similar material for a third set, only he wants that set to be more see through. The sheer set may or may not be used in October, but will definately be used between the two of us. The idea of wearing silks in front of others sort of scares me. Not so much for Master James as I have already met him a few times in real life, but for Master Fire-Soul since this will be our first meeting. But I am also excited by the idea. Being able to actually serve, in real life, is something I have wanted to do for a long time. Due to the fact that we have children, serving in that manner is a very rare occurance around here. It just doesn't work very well to be scantily clad and kneeling with my legs spread in front of the kids. Somehow I don't think they'd appreciate it very much LOL

Anyway this has brought to mind the whole serving aspect of m/s relationships. Many people ask me "What is service?". The simple answer to that is: anything you do with the intention or for the express purpose of pleasing your dominant is service. Some see only tasks given them directly by their dominant as service. Others see only those things that the submissive or slave comes up with on their own (based on their observations of their dominant's preferences) as service. However, it seems to me that service can't be so narrowly defined. In a master / slave relationship, the slave's every action is often done with the intent of pleasing their owner and/or making their owner's life easier. Having such an intention behind their actions makes them service based.

Service is defined as: (at www.dictionary.com)

1. The performance of work or duties for a superior or as a servant
2. Assistance; help
3. An act of assistance or benefit; a favor
4. The serving of food or the manner in which it is served
5. Copulation with a female animal. Used of male animals, especially studs

Serviced/servicing:

1. To make fit for use; adjust, repair, or maintain
2. To provide services to

Idioms:at (someone's) service
Ready to help or be of use.be of service
To be ready to help or be useful.

All of these definitions apply to a power exchange relationship that includes any acts by the submissive or slave that fit those definitions. These acts need not be directly ordered by the dominant, nor are they only those which the submissive or slave thinks of by them selves. They are any actions or behaviors undertaken by the submissive or slave that maintain, provide services to, are useful, or any of the above. They can include anything from wearing clothing the dominant prefers, cooking and serving a meal, cleaning the house, or engaging in sexual or s/m activities and anything in between.

Slaves tend to be very service based. The intention behind their submission is to serve someone. To be of use, assistance and value to their owner through their actions. The more pleased their owner is, the happier the slave is. For me, everything I do is with the intent of pleasing Master. I try to keep the house cleaned the way he likes it, because he is more comfortable with a clean house. I work hard to keep us on a budget because he likes it when the bills are paid on time and we aren't broke all the time. I prepare food that he enjoys, while keeping to his low cholesterol diet for his health. (which takes a bit of work since Master really loves red meat! LOL) I try to use language the way he prefers, and keep my tone of voice respectful and pleasant. I do my best to complete all the tasks he sets for me in a timely and accurate manner. I am happiest when he is satisfied and pleased. Some people see this as him taking advantage of me, but that is not true at all. The things I do, I do because I want to, because this is what works best for me and makes me happy. Even when I was in relationships that were not power exchanges (be it d/s or m/s), I still preferred to do things simply to please my partner. Not beacuse they demanded or expected it, but beacuse I liked making them happy.

Some people believe that a slave gets no return, or very little return, for all the things they do for their owner. This is just not true. The return is often mental and emotional in nature, but that by no means negates the return. In my relationship the return can also be physical or tangible, depending on what Master wants to do.

Ok I've rambled long enough and it is late. So I'm going to stop here. I just wanted to get some of my thoughts about service out. My mind has decided to work on an article about service and it was driving me crazy and keeping me from relaxing enough to sleep. So I figured I'd toss my thoughts out here until my mind calmed down. Hopefully I can make more sense of them tomorrow and actually work it into a full article for the site. Writing makes me very happy and Master takes a great deal of pride in my writings. He likes how writing makes me feel. He enjoys reading my writings whether they are lifestyle based, fictional, poems or just rambling thoughts that my mind tosses out. This blog and my written journal are ways for him to know what is going on inside me, as well as to learn about me and see how I've grown. I am happy to share these things with him, specially now that I do not fear doing so like I used to.

Good night. :)

Discussions & New Expectations

Master and I talked the other night about how much we have both grown as separate people, as a slave and as a dominant (he grew as a dominant, not me LOL), as a couple and as a master/slave couple. Most of the time I greatly enjoy these conversations when they occur. It is nice to see how far we have come. It is also nice to discuss our goals and what areas we would like to change in present so we will meet those goals. Sometimes it is a goal he sets for me to reach, not a mutual goal. Other times there are mutual goals or one he sets for himself. We also talk about our past goals and whether we have reached them or not. If we haven't reached them, we talk about why we think that is and what we can do to reach it. These are the kinds of conversations that I believe every couple should have. I believe they are even more necessary for people in power exchange relationships.

Such discussions help each participant to see where they were, how far they've come, where they would like to go, and discover ways to get there. Such discussions help both a dominant and a submissive or a slave to see how their behaviors are working within the relationships and affecting their partner. Its a taking stock discussion. From time to time, it is good to take stock. In order to continue to grow people have to see where they've come from and recognize any growth they have already acheived. In a power exchange relationship this lets all participants see what is working, what isn't working and figure out ways to make things work or where to go next.

Master and I are quite pleased with the progress we have made. Master is very proud of how much progress I have made in dealing with my writing issues. So am I actually. It feels good to be able to write again, to enjoy it and to have that *need* to write come up again. I did not realize how much I missed it until I felt it again. It was kind of weird actually. Like part of me had returned from vacation or something. Part of who and what I am is an author. Losing that part of myself changed so many things and I had not realized it. I stopped thinking as much as I used to. I stopped analysing myself and the lifestyle as deeply as I used to. I stopped seeking to understand others as intensely as I used to. All things that I enjoyed a great deal, and all things that helped me to understand myself and others. It feels very good to have that coming back. I hope I never lose it again.

Out of our discussion came a few changes to Master's expectations of me. Now that my back has grown stronger and thus my tolerance for moving around and doing things more, Master has increased his prefences regarding how the house is kept, laundry and meal times.

I have not been feeling well the last couple of days. I think I have a stomach bug. I thought I could sit here for a bit and blog, but my tummy is not happy so I better go lay down. I'll try to finish tomorrow.