Today has been a quiet day. I didn’t sleep very well until about 8AM, then I think exhaustion finally took over. I managed to complete the changes to the discussion section of the web site. All of the discussion pages are updated and linked to templates with the exception of the main page and the two pages giving log information for 1999 and 2000. I have decided that I will move the discussions back to Sunday nights. Thursdays are just too hard for me. I am too tired by the end point of the week to want to start and host a discussion. With 4 kids and a house to take care of, I just don’t seem to have the energy for them. However, on the weekends, when the housework becomes Ron’s (by his preference) I don’t feel so worn out and am better able to run a discussion.

I am a lot calmer than I was when I blogged last night. I know my panic reaction was inappropriate, not with Ron, but in general. I guess I wasn’t expecting Sam to cry like that, or react that way this quickly. Especially when we don’t know for sure if they are going to prosecute or not. We hope they prosecute, but there is no guarantee that they will. I guess I have lost my old coping mechanisms, though they probably weren’t very healthy either. Mostly I shut off the emotions I couldn’t deal with, in order to remain calm as much as possible. I would fall apart from time to time, in private, and cry or vent in my journal. What finally soothed my mind enough that I could lay down and try to sleep was some poems. I wrote about 7 of them, 3 of which I thought were pretty good. Sometimes releasing the emotions through poetry is such a major relief to me, but I can’t always do it. Often the words just won’t come like I need them to. That’s ok, I have another outlet that I treasure the most, and that means a great deal more to me. I have Ron. Someone to talk to about it all and lean on, knowing he will be there for me. I also have Kimmie and her support, which is invaluable. Neither Sam nor I are alone in this and that makes things a lot easier to handle.

Ron wrote in my blog last night, some very nice things I might add. The situation he describes is not something I view as weak. Screaming, yelling and beating Tony up would not have done any good and only made the situation a lot worse. Ron has a great deal of self control over the outward showing of his emotions, mostly he controls the outward appearance of anger and/or rage. He is not so controlling of feelings of happiness, love, joy, peace, and things like that. Personally, I think being able to control oneself when enraged is a good thing. It is far too easy to not think before speaking when one is talking from a viewpoint of pure anger only. Any situation is merely made worse. It’s not that he doesn’t feel the emotion; he just doesn’t let it control his behavior. This makes it a lot easier to trust him and in my opinion makes him a better man. Now, I have that strength to draw upon in this situation and that alone gives me some inner balance and peace. It’s nice to have that foundation.

*smiles*

I will be there for you my Lady.......and for you...a small sample of my strenght....or weakness.....depends on how you look at it......

There was an afternoon a few years ago....just a few days after the custody battle...that Rose and Tony came to the house to see Rachel.....and when Nathan came out to say hello Rose brushed him off....They were out in the front yard......Rose at that time refused to come into this house....Nathan was hurt and upset by his Moms dismissal of him and went to his room.....So I went out and sat on the front step.....just to be there.....Rachel went inside after a bit and Rose spewwed a bit of her vemon at me.....Saying something to the effect that I didnt have to come outside and ruin thier visit with Rachel......At that moment I wanted nothing more than to kill them both...I would have given anything to do so....but I just sat there......told them that I came out there to tell Rose that she had hurt Nathan baddly......and I was upset that she could do such a hatefull thing to her son....I said this in a total calm voice.....sitting there and smoking a cigar....And Tony looked at me with this face so lacking in comprehension that it was pitiful...and said...."Your upset?,,,,,you sure dont show it" ....to which I smiled....Looked him in the eyes and said....."No actually right now I am enraged......I would cheerfully choak the life out of you both.....but that wouldnt do anything good for the kids would it?.....Rose just gapped at me like a fish out of water and said "Your so cold......its like your dead already.......and I nodded....."I just cant see how letting my anger show would do anyone any good.....not the kids,.....not me....not even you....Frankly your not worthy of my emotion",,,**OK I am paraphrasing a lot here..this was like a 5 minute conversation.....at one point Tony said something like come on down off your step and do something about it....and I said that the momentary pleasure of kicking his ass wasnt worth the trouble of talking to the police about why I did it....or talking to my superviosr...or my commander.....or anyone else for that matter......

So take this for what its worth....was a just too weak to let myself explode like I wanted to......afraid of what might have happened?.....or was a strong enough to keep my head....its something I have debated several times over the years.....I know I am not afraid of the possiblity of getting my ass kicked by Tony.....he isnt strong enough or big enough to do me that much harm......I am afraid that if we had come to blows that I would have killed him....and even a slime ball like him doesnt deserve to die for what amounts to adding Roses infidelity.....does he.....now Sam's dad is another matter entirely....but fortunately he is not close enough that I have to resist that temptation very often.....

Just depend on this.....that the strenght and restraint I showed that day is yours now.....I am strong inside........and I shall be standing with you and with Sam...each day......*grins*...and if I start pulling away....I am sure you can find someway of letting me know I am getting too far away.....like a blog....or a journal....or a whisper while cuddling......

I Love You

Ron