Conflicting Emotions

I tend to be a very capable and independent person. When I am in the process of taking care of something, I go ahead and deal with any snags that pop up during the process. However, there is a line between taking care of business and stepping on Master's toes and taking care of what should be his business. I do a lot better at not crossing that line than I ever used to, but sometimes it is very very hard. It causes emotional conflict and sometimes I get mad. It becomes a conflict between what I know I am capable of doing, and what I know I am allowed (or not allowed) to do. In my relationship there are very few areas where Master does not allow me to go ahead and do whatever I am capable of doing, to his expectations of the outcome. So such conflicts are rare. Heck, conflict between him and I is very rare anyway, which is one of the things I love most about our relationship. Anyway, back to my topic. I was thinking about this kind of internal conflict today, partly because of a few posts I read on an email discussion list and partly because I read back in my written journals and it brought the topic to mind.

This is an internal conflict that is both mental and emotional and affects every slave, submissive and bottom at some point in real life. It can also occur in online relationships, but it is more common in real life. Real life doesn't have a backspace key and we tend to be stuck with whatever pops out of our mouths. Submission, of any level/intensity, is a difficult thing at times to do. For me these conflicts happen when I get stuck being in "capable do everything Mom" mode all day long. I tend to not realize I am doing it and don't transition back to slave fast enough and boom, a conflict arises when Master orders me to do something or orders me to let him handle something. I'll be going along through my day balancing the checkbook, shopping, solving problems the kids have, cleaning, handling insurance things and whatever else comes up and my brain gets into "taking care of business" mode. Then Master comes home and says "I'll handle that, you've done enough" and it feels like I'm about to choke. My mind freezes and I stand there shocked. Then I start having the conflict, my mind says "I CAN do that!" and my heart says "its up to him" and my mind argues "yeah but *I* Can do that! I'm not stupid!" and on and on it goes. I end up having to take a few deep breaths and a few minutes to consciously make the switch from "do it all" mode to submissive mode.

Some people like to say that a submissive or slave should ALWAYS feel submissive and if they don't they are not true submissives or slaves. This is just so not true. I am a human being, and no mood or feeling is constant, there all the time without any variation or change no matter the situation. Feeling submissive is the same. I have noticed that as time goes on, making the transition is easier and the conflicts arise less and less often and are less intense. I know part of that is because I have pretty much healed from the stuff in Arizona and part of it is due to the stability and trust in my relationship. The more time we are together, the more consistent and stable things become and I really like that.

Well I'm going to go chat for a while since I haven't really chatted all day.

Meeting Expectations

I've been trying very hard to meet Master's newer expectations of me. He changed the time he wants dinner on the table to 5:30 instead of 6 and I've been doing that. Also, the house has been cleaner, which he really enjoys and I've been keeping up with the laundry. So he's been real happy with me. These things may not seem like a big deal to other people, but considering the way my health has been, they are big things to us and to me. I live with chronic pain. The easiest way to explain it is that I have a compound fracture of the left sacroiliac joint, two blown discs and nerve damage in my lower back, pelvis and left leg. So for me, walking around a lot and cleaning are not easy activities. I've spent a great deal of time off my feet in the last few years due to inadequate pain control. With a new doctor came better pain control and with the addition of a second car I am able to move around more and get more things done. This does increase my pain level, but I've noticed that as I get stronger, the pain level lessens. So for me, being able to do more makes me feel real good. Being able to finally keep the house the way I know Master prefers it, also makes me feel real good. The best thing is seeing the smile in Master's eyes, not just because the house is more to his liking, but because he is happy to see me moving around more and having decent control of my pain.

So many people assume that a m/s relationship means the dominant doesn't care much about the slave, only what the slave can do for them. In my experiences this is not true. In my relationship Master cares quite a bit about my health and well being, even more than the condition of the house. I like that we care about each other so much. For me, it increases my desire to please him, to make him happy.