A New Beginning For This Blog

If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Everyone has heard this little snippet at one point or another in their lives. I find it to be true. I realize it has been a very long time since I wrote in this blog and I am now hoping to change that. I'm hoping to make this blog something that will help others to see what a master/slave relationship can be like in real life. Not every relationship is the same, and what works for my master and myself may not work for anyone else. But being able to read about someone else's relationship can help the reader to see for themselves the reality of a master/slave relationship, rather than just the fantasy.

Everyone has fantasies and those are good things to have. They often tell us things we would like to try, or goals we wish to achieve, or simply give us a few moments to daydream. But in BDSM people tend to confuse their fantasies with the reality and expect a full time power exchange relationship to be exactly how they fantasized it would be. I'm not trying to say that fantasies are wrong because they certainly are not; what I am hoping to do is help people to see one possible reality for this kind of relationship. I am also hoping that by sharing my reality it will assist someone who is new to the lifestyle develop a more reality based idea of what is possible, rather than set themselves up for disappointment by expecting their fantasies to become their reality. One of the common reasons that power exchange relationships fail is that one (or both/all) party in the relationship had unrealistic expectations of how the relationship would work on a day to day basis. So when the relationship was not everything they fantasized it would be, they end the relationship.

I get asked a lot "what does it mean to be a slave every day" to my master. For me it means, doing my best to please him every day. This is achieved through obedience, respectful behavior, and noticing little things that make him happy and then doing them. It means that his needs, wants and desires come before mine. It means that in all things, he has the final word. I am required to tell him my thoughts, ideas, feelings, wants and needs, but it is his choice of what to do with that information. I can ask for things, but he does not have to do them if he does not want to. I know this makes the relationship sound extremely one-sided, and that is the basic truth. A master/slave relationship is one-sided, with most of the emphasis being placed on the master. However, this does not mean that my master never does anything for me. Nor does it mean that my master can blithely ignore my wants and needs all the time. Master places quite a bit of importance on making sure my needs are met because he knows that if he never meets my needs sooner or later the relationship will end. He also enjoys granting my wants and desires fairly often because he enjoys my reaction. He likes to do things that will make me smile or make me feel good, the only difference between our power exchange relationship and a vanilla one is that he does not have to do those things if he does not want to. The final decision is his to make.

I have tasks that I am to do on a daily basis. Some leeway is given for my physical disability, or for unavoidable (or unexpected) situations that may arise which make it difficult or impossible for me to complete my tasks. At first master was real lenient in this area. He would excuse too much, which quickly caused me to believe that it did not matter if I completed my tasks or not. This was a stumbling block in our relationship for quite some time. About a few months ago however, he made his limits of what constitutes an acceptable excuse more stringent. And if I did fail to do my tasks, and he considered my reason to be unacceptable, he will punish me now rather than just letting it go. This has made me feel much more comfortable and safe in my role as his slave. I need that consistency, I need to know what the rules are and that they will be enforced. This is something that many slaves need. It gives them a sense of security and having that is very necessary for a slave to function well.

Today I was supposed to do some laundry, straighten up the bedroom, balance the checkbook and pay bills. I have been lax in completing my daily tasks these last couple of days. But master has made an allowance for them due to the circumstances surrounding our lives. First we had hurricane Ivan to deal with. This, of course, caused a great deal of worry for master because his son chose to drive to the city right near where the eye would make land fall, and he drove there during the the couple hours when the entire area was being plagued by major tornados, the first of which was responsible for one death, and another of which killed an older woman. We spent two days without electricity. Master became very worried about his son and his son's girlfriend when we did not hear from him for 3 days. Finally we got the number for where he was supposed to be, to find out that he had left that person's house 3 days earlier. Master, naturally, was consumed with worry and terrified that something bad had happened to his son. This, of course, caused a great deal of tension and concern for all of us. Then to add to those things, I got a slight case of food poisoning that left me feeling pretty sick for a few days and as often happens when I have stomach troubles or diarrhea, my back hurts a lot. So for those reasons master has let it slide that I did not get all of my tasks done every day. Instead he said he was proud of me because despite all of this going on, I did manage to get some of them done every day.

I understand his reasoning and I agree with it, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel guilty for having slacked off in the first place. I have spoken with him about it. He understands my guilty feelings but assures me that I have done nothing severe enough to warrant a punishment. However, he also said that now since everything has calmed down again, he will once again be holding me to my tasks. So I got most of them done today. For this I was rewarded with some play tonight, including sub-space. Our play does not always include sub-space for me, sometimes he just likes to watch me struggle to take the pain or hear me say "ow". In fact I would have to say that this sadistic streak in him has been growing steadily in the past year or so.

So why do I do all of these things for him if a reward is not guaranteed? Why do I obey and strive to please him even though I know he does not have to do anything to please me at any given time should he choose not to? For me the reason is rather simple, and one that not many people believe is true. I do it because it makes me feel good to please him. I know when I have pleased him by the look on his face, the light in his eyes, and sometimes he will come right out and say that I have pleased him. It is difficult to describe how this makes me feel other than to say that this my return for all my service and often it is enough. I can't say it is always enough because I am human and thus I occasionally wish for a reward or more than just a smile in return for everything I do. But those feelings do not occur often, and when they do they are not very strong and do not last long.

Well I am really tired so I'm going to stop in this blog and go ahead and post in my Journey To Healing From Abuse blog before I get too tired.

Good night!