Jealousy In A Slave??? No Way!! (umm..reality bites but yes way!)

The Green Eyed Monster. Jealousy. One of the misconceptions about slaves is that a true slave is never jealous because they are happy with whatever makes their owner happy even if that means a second slave or more. This is not true. In this day and age people are more aware of the baggage they carry around, more aware of their issues and emotional/mental scars. I think part of this is because these things are talked about more often and better known than they used to be. I also think part of this is because society has become a "victim mentality"..meaning, blame someone else for everything and no one takes responsibility for their own actions anymore. But that's a different topic. (and a sweeping generalization too..there are some who take responsibility, not everyone is blind to their responsibilities)

Jealousy however, is a very real emotion. It is most often caused by insecurities and fears. In this day and age there are many people in relationships that have insecurities and fears from prior relationships. For me, there are quite a few. Mostly they center around my being afraid that I am not good enough and will eventually be replaced. Partly due to my disability and how severely it affects my day to day life. Partly because I have been replaced a few times in the past. Once due to having had my ex-husband's child, and thus my body changed. Once due to life being too stressful and the guy just couldn't face me cuz I reminded him of that stress. Once due to my back and how it affected my life. So that has created issues. The first and last ones more than the second. I have worked very hard on resolving the issues and the low self esteem which accompanies them, but it has not been easy. I still occasionaly get twinges of jealousy and fear being replaced. Its not as intense as it used to be, but it is still there.

When this happens I feel very guilty, un-slave like even. I don't want to be jealous or fear being replaced or losing Master. But to hide those feelings and lie about them to him by denying they exist, would be even worse in my eyes. So I tell him about them when they occur, even though I worry that they will upset him, make him frustrated with me, or even make him keep some of his own thoughts or feelings to himself out of fear of upsetting me.

An incident occured last night that brought this up for me and I've spent most of today thinking about it off and on, examining my feelings and reactions. Overall I am very proud of myself and how I am handling it. A year ago this would have sparked off major self doubt, fears and depression. Two years ago, I probably would have withdrawn from Master and "licked my wounds" (which would have been self inflicted anyway, as they usually are.) But this time, I told him how I felt and I have not pulled away, nor have I fallen into constant "I must be doing something wrong" thoughts. I did get the spark of fear that I was not good enough for Master, and my mind used my disability and limitations as proof. But instead of letting that fester, I told Master that the feelings were there. He is a very understanding man and very very patient. I am very lucky to have him. (He doesn't like jealousy and such, but he does understand that with my history, some issues are going to be there and take time to heal.) So we talked about it and that talk made me feel better.

As usual such an incident prompted my mind to start working. I have found that the best way to prevent jealousy is to work on the underlying fears and insecurities. If a person has a strong self-esteem and is secure in themselves and their relationship, they are not as prone to feeling jealous. By working on the underlying self esteem issues and insecurities, one can strengthen their resistence to jealousy.

I have come a long way and this incident proves that to me, and for that I am both grateful and proud of myself. But I know I would not have come this far if it was not for Master's love, understanding, patience, and support.