It's been a rough few days. Hectic and stressful. But such goes life I suppose. I haven't really been feeling myself since last Thursday night, though I did feel almost normal yesterday afternoon for a while, but it snapped last night. I haven't even been able to write in my journal. Thanks to the D.A. reviewing the case for my daughter, her memories were brought more into the fore front of her mind, and with them, the emotional pain. She has become depressed and all that stuff again. She was admitted to a local psychiatric hospital on Thursday night for suicidal ideation. Needless to say this really threw me for a loop. I had thought she was handling all of this so well, and dealing with it. But, she kept alot of her feelings and thoughts from me, out of fear that I would tell the D.A. to drop the case for good. She wants so badly to put that son of a bitch behind bars. She doesn't understand why I place her well being before putting him behind bars. I tried to explain it, but her response is she doesn't deserve to be cared about that much. Wheee..didn't that feel great? NOT. I've done all the right things for her, this time same as all the other times. Though suicidal ideation wasn't as big of a deal in the past, though (and I'm guessing it's because she is older) it has become part of her depression for the past year. I can't help feeling like all the progress she made in the past year, of which there is a great deal, is slowly slipping away. She started scratching her skin off her hand yesterday. So now we can add self abusive behavior to the list of symptoms. I had a treatment team meeting yesterday morning, and in there she was doing just fine. But between the time i left the meeting, and the time I came back to visit last night, she became intensely agitated, depressed, weepy, and had scratched some of the skin off her hand. It took the wind right out of my sails, let me tell you! I wanted to badly for all of this to be over, and I feel so guilty. Though everyone tells me it is not my fault, I'm not sure if i believe it or not.
I've found myself wondering yet again about that old saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" and I have to wonder if god is a sadist because he sure as hell has given me and Sam a lot more shit to deal with, and Sam isn't capable of dealing with it. She's been fighting these demons for 7 years now and is still as afraid of Dennis today as she was 7 years ago. It's very depressing and makes me wonder if she will ever really be okay again. I just don't know. I want a guarantee that she will heal. I want a date for when this should be done. I want my daughter back.

I got so used to the way she's been for the past 6 months. Calm, happy, peaceful. Slept fine. No depression. They'd cut her therapy down to once a month and were planning on cutting out the anti depressant medication in June 2001. She was co-operative and was obeying the rules of the house and all that stuff. She was feeling good about herself and seemed to be enjoying life again. And over the past month, the pain and the fear eroded alot of this and she's going backwards. I am so scared. What if she goes all the way back? I've been praying but I don't know if it will make a difference. Same as always though, I will be there for her and I will continue to try to help her both myself and through professional therapists and psychiatrists. Who knows, maybe this setback was neccessary for her to finally put "paid" to the whole thing. She is certainly having to face her fear. In tucson she faced mostly the emotional pain, and now she seems to be dealing mostly with an intense fear and some pain but nothing like when she was in Tucson. So it is possible that her healing is coming in stages. She takes a bunch of steps forward and when she reaches a place where she is doing well and has been for a while, she takes a couple steps back to pick up the healing process where she left off, and takes a bunch of steps forward again. repeat ad nauseum. I hope that's what this is, because then it may very well be that she is almost done. god I hope so.
Ron is being very supportive, which is nice. But i am finding it so hard to talk with him. All I want to do is be alone, read, or sleep. I am trying not to give into those feelings too much because it isn't good for me. I don't need to become clinically depressed as well. I will be getting a counselor for myself so I have someone to talk to about all of this that is not directly in the situation. Ron will listen, and understand most of what i say, but he is in the situation so that can make talking to him difficult for me. Not beacuse he doesn't want me to talk, or won't listen, but because i feel guilty for venting on him when I know this situation has him upset as well. I don't want to add to his upset, tension, stress level (pick terms) if I can help it. Though, I have been talking with him.

well I'm going to stop here.