Thoughts Continued

Well I was talking earlier about how Master has tightened the leash on me and how my response has been to like it and have an increasing need to serve and to please, and that this surprised me. For a long time I believed that I would never truly feel this way again, at least not with any lasting depth to it. I was wrong. I am very glad that I was wrong too. It means I have healed from things I thought I would not heal from. Not only healed, but gone beyond where I was before. Most likely this is because I know more about myself than I used to know, partly due to all my experiences, good or bad. Everything I have been through and everything I have done, has contributed to the person I am today. Today's experiences will add to that and contribute to who I will be tomorrow or next year. Looking back to myself a year ago, I don't seem like the same person. And I know I am not. The fears I had then, are either completely gone or robbed of their ability to truly frighten me. They no longer prevent me from doing what I want to do, which is good.

I'm writing again, more consistently than I have for years and without fear of reprisal either. I am beginning to enjoy the process of writing again, the way I used to and am excited about it. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to explode because all the ideas I had in the past for articles and essays are still there, but they are not alone anymore. More ideas have been added. Apparently part of my mind contiuned generating ideas whether I was actually writing or not. I find myself with more ideas than time to write them all LOL. ITs okay though, I have plenty of time and I am sure I will be allowed to continue to write. Master could tell me to stop, but I know he won't do that. It is too much a part of me for him to want to get rid of it. Its a part of me that attracted him to me.

Losing things that make one the person they are, is often a fear that many people new to the lifestyle have, specially when discussing or considering slavery. I try to explain that a healthy master / slave relationship does not destroy who the slave, as a person and human being, is, instead it enhance them and many do not understand. The fear of losing one's self is a strong fear, one that is hard to overcome. In the wrong relationship, it is a possibility. Once people here that, they assume it will happen in every relationship simply because of the loss of control a slave has. But it doesn't work that way. In the right relationship, the slave grows and who they are is enhanced, not removed. Yes, some things get changed. For me its been learning better control of my temper and my mouth. Things I have wanted to learn but could not learn entirely on my own. The rest has been minor things like changing how I fold clothes to a way he prefers and likes. Would he change my showing intelligence? not at all. Would he change my comittment to my web site? no. why? because these are things which are important to me. He might ask me to not do them for a day or so, to spend alone time with him. But he would never make me feel guilty or neglectful for doing these things.

Well that's all I can think of and I have to go because a friend has called me.