Written Journal: 8-31: punishment, discipline, tighter rules and feelings

August 31, 2005 at 12:19AM (technically, Thurs. Sept. 1)

I got in trouble today for not doing the checkbook and skipped journal entries. I confessed to Master because I am supposed to, which is something I have a hard time doing. He gave me credit for confessing and lightened the punishment a little bit. Which, considering what it ended up being and how it was done, I am even more grateful than I would have been otherwise. He started with a hard hand spanking and then cane strokes. With my butt, it hurts more to get a caning over an already reddened butt. I am glad to have the punishment over with. Its the first one sinec he tightened up on the rules. I had been severely dreading the first one. Knowing that I had screwed up but didn't have the guts to tell him yesterday was driving me crazy. I felt so guilty, even worse than the guilt was the hurt I felt because I knew I had displeased him. In any situation that is the worst of it for me. The punishment itself does not come close to the pain I feel knowing I let him down and he is displeased. Though, for me as for many slaves, the punishment itself becomes a purging process. It pays off the guilt and hurt. It lets me forgive myself more readily than I could without it. Leaving the trap of guilt and pain makes it possible, much faster, for me to learn from my mistake and reach the point where I feel a strong need to do better from then on, rather than wallow in guilt and beat myself up for days on end.

I was talking to Master about the rules and his stricter discipline. He said that he likes it but that he thinks he will like it better if he is even stricter. But he doesn't want to talk about what changes he is considering until next week. This, of course, raises my curiosity. I'm not sure what areas he wants to tighten up on, but I will find out in a week. I will do my best to try and please him and meet his expectations as best as I can.

I was reading quotes from the gor books the last couple of days. I found myself very surprised by how accurate some of them are! A few years ago when I read them I could understand them logically and how they could be accurate. But now? I not only understand them logically, I understand them emotionally and many of them are very accurate for how I feel as Master's slave. My submission is a great deal deeper because I love Him. The two feed each other now. His use of my submission makes me love him even more and that deeper love makes me want to serve, give and be more for him and then when he takes that more and uses it it goes round and round. I can see now how some slaves can honestly say and believe that their owner can do anything to them or with them and leaving just is not an option. That love --->submission --->dominance --->love cycle can and will cause exactly those thoughts and beliefs. It scares me a little to think (heck, to KNOW) that I will eventually get to that point myself. But even more, it thrills me, excites me and ignites my belly (to use the gorean phrase for it LOL). And yes, the gor books use of a slave's belly is accurate also (in my experience anyway) because the physical sensations that accompany the emotions of submission and the need to serve and please are centered in the belly and it feels real real good!

Good night!