WOW Far Too Long

It has been a very long time since I have posted to this blog and I feel badly about that. However, things in my life have been rather hectic at times. My chronic pain has gotten worse. I fell and got a new fracture line on the left SI joint on Christmas Eve 2010. I've continued to struggle with depression, specially since I'm pretty much bed-ridden. I had to have a cancerous tumor removed from my right breast in the summer of 2010. I did some fundraising for a family friend who's son was badly burned in an accident, which made my chronic pain even worse. I now can not stand for more than 3 to 5 minutes without extreme pain and having my legs give out dropping me to the floor. This, of course, brought about another tough bout of depression which I am currently trying to fight my way out of and not doing very well. I've been in bed since April-May 2011. As a result of the decrease in my ability to walk and the higher pain levels the overt actions of the power exchange in my relationship (such as play, any formal times, lengthy task lists etc.) took a back seat. We both still knew that Master owned me and that he had final say in all things, but overt behaviors became more erratic (such as getting him a glass of water) based upon my pain level.

Since we had some issues with keeping the power exchange at a more obvious level (rather than just the quiet knowledge of who has final say in everything) I wasn't posting here. We haven't played much in the past year either and we both really miss it. Master and I have spent time communicating and thinking about this. In the past, when the more overt dominant behaviors would drop away in the rush of daily life, I was usually the one to bring it up. I would tell Master that I missed it. We would talk about it and end up with a list of tasks I was to perform, rules to follow etc. As a result he would either try to be a bit more overt or he wouldn't. The latter would quickly replace the former and we'd be back where we started. So a while ago I decided to just stop bringing it up. It didn't change the fact that I was owned, nor that I would do things the way I know he prefers them done. It didn't change the fact that he is in charge and what he says goes in 99% of the situations we faced.

We started talking about this tonight and Master told me that when he feels like he is being prodded to do something it gets his back up and he ends up not doing it because it felt like he was being ordered to do it and he does not like feeling that he is being ordered to do something. I thought that might be the case (took me a while to figure that out), so about a year ago I decided to not bring it up and to just see what would happen. I did continue to follow the rules and do things the way he wanted them done. He still had the right to order me to do stuff (which he occasionally did) and he still had final say in all things. After a short while I started to notice that he was giving a few more orders here and there. I did not try to make a discussion about this requesting more than what he was giving at the time. Instead I just enjoyed it and obeyed. I did thank him when he gave an order, or mention that it felt good, but I did not take it further than that. I was curious to see where it would go if allowed to grow on its own. Over the last few months, this has continued to become more frequent. He continues to be very understanding of my physical limitations, but he has taken me to task verbally for my tone of voice, or taking a joke a bit too far and other things along those lines.

In February we attended the Valentine's Day party for our local BDSM group. We had an absolute blast! It was a lot of fun. My pain made it that we had to leave after only a few hours, which made me feel a bit bad, but overall I just felt wonderful for having gone and we had a great time! Around the same time we also started getting back on IRC and reading stuff on FetLife more often. I noticed that as we, once more, entered a bit more into the community itself (interacting with other bdsmers) his dominance continued to become more overt. I've noticed over the past 11 years that when Master and I participate in bdsm discussions, attend group activities, or hang around the chat rooms (including the gorean ones), that it brings the power exchange part of our relationship more to the fore-front of our minds. As before, this is now the case and this resulted in our discussion tonight.

Tonight we went out to eat at Mellow Mushroom Pizza (great food by the way!) and we talked a lot. One of the subjects we toched upon was the power exchange part of our relationship. We have both learned a lot about each other and how we fit together within our relationship as well as the power exchange parts in the past 11 years together (it will be 12 years in June). I have learned that Master is more quiet in his dominance. He isn't one to be micro-managing, or barking orders all day long. He prefers to teach the slave his expectations and preferences and then expects the slave to follow them whether he gives a specific order or not.

However I tended to focus on having tasks or orders given on a fairly frequent basis. I don't like micro-managament so I'm not talking about that, but I mean things like getting him a glass of water, or doing certain household tasks and things like that. I was used to having a dominant that would give those orders or give me a list of tasks to be completed for the next day on top of my regular daily stuff. So for me, there was some adjustment needed to adapt to Master's more quiet style of dominance as well as for me to realize that I do not need daily lists of tasks in order to feel owned and submissive. Also, within myself is the fact that I need to have limits and have them enforced, including punishment as necessary. Again my past experience differed from what Mastere preferred and as I am his first live-in slave he was still learning what worked for him the best and what didn't work for him. Master does not punish easily, nor quickly. My past experiences and his preferences in this area were not fully compatible. So this was another area that we had to work on and grow together within.

So over the past few months as I have noticed him giving more orders, rather than bring it up I just went with it. I was curious to see how it would develop if I let it grow naturally, on its own and in whatever manner Master wanted to go. I am happy to say that it continues to grow naturally. I'm also happy to say that I've managed to reach a point within myself that I do not need a daily list of things to be done (though I do enjoy it when it occurs, like when Master used to send me daily emails).  I would still enjoy receiving emails with tasks in them, but I no longer need them to feel like i am serving Master.

While talking tonight Master told me why he would often pull back when I brought up the subject of wanting/needing/missing more overt dominant behaviors. I had figured it was something like that but it was nice to have his explanation. We had a very good conversation. He told me that he had intended to continue with the more overt dominant behaviors becaues he noticed that I responded to them very well.

It is still pretty amazing to me how I can still learn new things about Master; even after almost 12 years together. He has said he will try to help motivate me to fight this depression and apathy, to help me get back a better quality of life despite the pain. I really hope he continues to do that as I have proven, more than once, that I can't do this all by myself.

So here we go again and I will try to write in here more often as Master told me he wants me to write a journal entry every day, whether it is on paper or on one of my three blogs. He doesn't care which method I use, so long as I use one. His reasons for this are fairly simple; in the past I have always done better when I was writing every day and since I've stopped I seem to have more difficulty in fighting my depression, working things out in my own mind, and more.

I love you Master and I thank you for your patience and your love!