Communication On Lists and My Day

Old Hats and Novices

I brought up the topic of old hats and how they are perceived on my discussion lists because I thought it would make an interesting topic. I was also hoping to see some new faces posting, giving their ideas and opinions on how they read the posts that are put up by old hats. Someone brought up a point I had not really thought of very much, but I have to admit that he has a good point and I have experienced similar many times online, just this time I’ve run into the idealists more frequently then the other. I figure its just a matter of time until I see the other side of the coin as well.

Anyway, he mentioned that he has seen many people who do post in a very bitter, cold hearted, derogatory, and condescending manner to the novices. Rather than admitting that ideals can be goals, something we strive for, and tempering that with some examples of how those ideals don’t always work too well, they just throw out the worst things they can think of or outright insult the one who is speaking in ideals. Such behavior will make it very difficult for novices to feel comfortable posting, asking questions, or to learn anything. It will make people defensive and dig in their heels.

I can understand why someone would become bitter and cold if life has been very difficult for them. But I can’t help wondering why they would then want to participate in a discussion list where the idea is to learn from one another, share ideas and opinions and things like that. For me, when bitterness was something I felt frequently, I was not very open to new ideas and someone speaking in flowery romanticized language just annoyed the heck out of me. I stopped participating in discussion lists because I knew I could not really discuss anything and I was far from open to new ideas or ways of looking at things. What would be the point to be constantly tossing out such bitterness onto a discussion list? To use the really bad experiences one went through as proof that bdsm is a bad thing, or what?

He also mentioned that an argument that has popped up frequently on lists lately is the one over “whose relationship is more real?”. I have witnessed one such discussion of this topic since I started posting to lists again, and a few of the opinions expressed struck me as condescending, but the list was a moderated one so I am sure that some posts did not make it to the list, thus I don’t think I got a very good view of how this argument has been playing out. However, the bit I did see was what he said he has seen. People saying that only live-in 24/7 relationships are real and anything else is a fantasy. People saying that there is no way any power exchange relationship can be done in a long distance relationship or through a computer. Saying things like that defeats the whole purpose of discussion because it makes it very clear that the poster is not open to even considering that another option exists, or that maybe this does work for other people, and they certainly do not appear as if they truly want to try and learn more or understand the other point of view. I can see how such posting styles would very easily cause those who are focusing only on the ideals to hold onto those ideals ever tighter.

It seems sad to me that so many people believe saying things in a polite manner somehow removes the conviction from their opinion, thus they feel they are correct to speak as rudely as they want, or to be condescending. Saying something like “As I have no experience with online relationships, I have a hard time understanding how they could be as real as a relationship where the people live together.” Gets the point across without the direct insult of “online relationships are not real”. It is less combative and more open to real discussion of the topic and the possibility of learning how someone else might believe an online relationship is real.

All of us can only really speak from our experiences, to what works for us and how we came to those conclusions. Sure we can give options of other ways of doing things, but we can’t speak to those things from experience. If the whole point is discussion and learning from one another, then speaking in a way that encourages discussion rather than shuts it down completely would make more logical sense to me.

Wow, blogging two days in a row..it’s a miracle! LOL Today was a good day for me, my pain level is in better control thanks to another series of injections to the disks and the joint, though today I have that “its going to rain” ache going on it is not as bad as it was before the shots. This makes me very happy!! As usual I got an email from master giving me the tasks he wanted me to do in addition to my usual daily activities. He wanted me to clean the bedroom today, which I did. I’ve managed to keep up with the laundry, keep the boy child’s school work going, play games with the boy child, talk with the girl children, cook dinner, post to a few lists, and get everything done I was supposed to do today. I feel real good about it and when master got home he walked into the bedroom and just started smiling, which made me feel even better! Today has been a good day. :)

raven{Az}