Ebb and Flow of Control

The ideal of power exchange is that it is always "on". There is never a down time, or a period where the PE must take a back seat while the people deal with other issues or because the people involved are just tired. The reality is that sometimes the obvious measures of control do take a back seat or do become quieter for a while.

In my life there are a lot of issues to deal with on a daily basis. We have children, bills, health issues (mine and his), relatives living with us and a toddler among them. Master has a very stressful job as well. Due to those issues there are times where control becomes very subtle or fades all together. This doesn't mean that we do not know who is in charge, I just mean that things like calling me on not completing a task that day and things like play have to take a back seat. There are times where I was awake for 2 or 3 days due to pain and then I finally crash. When that crash occurs, master lets things slide until I catch up with my sleep and the pain settles back into its more normal levels of annoyance.

This can become very frustrating. Even though I understand why it happens, it doesn't change the fact that occasionally my emotions get all confused because of it. When this occurs we end up talking about it and going from there.

We are currently in one of those talking phases now. My pain has been higher because the radio frequency procedure has worn off. Master sends me emails every day with tasks in them, but he decides whether or not to punish for them not being done when he gets home and sees the situation for that day. Days where he comes home and I am in bed due to pain, or sleeping because I was awake for 3 days, or just stressed to the max because the 2 year old was cranky that day, are days where he lets it slide. Sadly, those are happening fairly frequently because of my pain level being higher and thus my mobility is lower. The pain puts a lot of stress on us, and he puts my health and well being before everything. I understand this and I appreciate it a great deal, but that doesn't stop me from having the occasional (and very normal human reaction) negative reaction.

I can only imagine how frustrating this has to be for master as well. Wanting things done a certain way and finding they can be done one day, but not the next, has to be annoying to him as well. Or wanting to play and not being able to because I hurt too much. I feel bad because I know, whether he admits it or not, that my problems must frustrate, annoy, or even downright piss him off on occasion. He is human and has normal human responses. He is an understanding man and he knew what he was getting in to when he collared me and he accepted those limitations. But even when one knows and accepts a situation, they can still have moments where they get frustrated. He has told me in the past that he does occasionaly get frustrated, so I am sure it occurs. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.

No matter what is going on, I know that he loves me and that I do my best to continue to do things for him as much as I physically can. I just wish I didn't have the chronic pain that I have so that I could do more for him. But having an understanding master is just wonderful!

There is a side effect of such a situation for me. I get used to not getting in trouble for not getting all my tasks done and then occasionaly just shrug it off as no big deal, as they don't really matter. When I realize I have been doing this I feel guilty and I realize I have been doing that lately. Not every day, but some days. It is really hard to get back to doing things after I have spent a year in deep depression with no desire to do anything at all. Now that my new anti-depressant is working I have more desire to do stuff and am slowly working at getting back on my feet and doing more.

Well that's it for me. Play safe and have fun!