Thoughts On BDSM, Relationships, Submission etc. and My Self

I wrote an essay about the Common Myths of BDSM back in 2005. I posted it in this blog (you can view original post here if you want.) I got a comment, which of course was written anonymously, on that old post. I get such a kick out of people who post such attacks, they always do so anonymously. Maybe that’s because their attack of another human being’s personal relationship choices is not Christian and they know it. Christianity teaches “Love thy neighbor whether you agree with them or not”, though sadly it seems more accurate to say that it gets taught this way more often “love they neighbor  only if they think and act just like you, otherwise attack at will!”

I realize that some people think these same thoughts when reading a blog such as this one, or the web site that I maintain. I am choosing to answer each point raised. Not to attack the original poster back, but with the intention of teaching those who read this and hopefully increase tolerance and understanding of the various relationship styles which exist in this world.  

Anonymous said: master slave relationship? are u sure ure talking about relationship and not just fucking losing ur choice on ur own.i read up the whole article but i still i can't consider you more than a doormat.
u have lost that choice of being yourself...in not only supporting ur "master" in what is wrong but also inenhancing that wrong doing.
 hurting urself physically or emotionally doesnt excuse ur faults but only makes it more obvious...
im not sure ur a believer of god ... because god doesnt allow these pains inflicted on a body he created...
or maybe ur just trying to accept the whole situation because ur "master's" sins wont be forgiven, ...
ur just not another body ... u maybe thinking ... as you said ... but only about him.giving in to his wants it not giving in to his sadist nature. but obsessive thinking is not the right process thoughts.
are ua christian? 'giving' is christianities first need.But not giving up ur life and ur thoughts. or for that matter ur body
pain is not A solution to ANYTHING
BETTER YOU DIE CUZ UR JUST INCREASING THE SIN BAG OF UR LOVING "MASTER"

(Italics are to separate the commentator's words from my own)

Commenter:  Do I consider this a relationship?

Yes I do. Dictionary dot com defines relationship as:

1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.

Our relationship fits all of the above in that we have a strong connection emotionally, mentally, and physically. We are married and we certainly have sex. So yup, I consider this a relationship.

Commenter:  Are you sure you’re talking about a relationship and not just losing your choice? (and doormat comment)

Yes I am quite sure. I entered into this style of relationship with full knowledge of what I was doing and why. My submission is given freely. It was not forced nor taken against my will through domestic violence or abuse of any kind. I still make many choices on my own every single day. Master and I do not engage in micro-management as it is not something that works for either of us. I do not have to have his permission to leave a room, change clothes, etc. I make decisions regarding children, my health, budgeting, and more every single day. Just because I keep his preferences in mind when I make those choices does not mean that *I* am not making the choice. It just means that I have an extra consideration involved in the process of choosing. It is not any different from a vanilla relationship where the wife chooses to wear a specific outfit because she knows her husband likes it the best. I just keep his preferences in mind for all the choices I make.Yes he has final say in everything and can veto a choice I make and I would obey him. But this does not negate the fact that I do continue to make my own choices.

As for the doormat comment: Anyone who knows me knows I am far from a doormat who blindly obeys any order given by anyone, has no thoughts/opinions/feelings of my own and lets everyone walk all over me. Being submissive does not make me a doormat. It takes strength to submit one’s will to another in a consensual healthy way. I am free to form my own opinions, think anything I want to think (or anything that just pops up for that matter LOL), and act in whatever way I choose to. Just like anyone else I have to consider the repercussions of my actions. I just have an added repercussion in the form of my master should I choose to do something I know he will not like. Everyone considers how their actions will affect their partner in any relationship. The difference is in how much weight is given to the partner's preferences over one's own.

 Commenter: You have lost that choice in being yourself.

 Actually I have done the opposite. For many years I struggled to fit into my parents’ ideas and society’s ideas of “normal”. This caused me to suppress large parts of who I am because they didn’t fit in with that ideal. By finally choosing to enter into an m/s relationship I am finally free to express all of who I am, suppressing nothing. I have always had a submissive personality, always wanted to please others and always doing things for others because it makes me happy. Before I knew about bdsm and healthy submission those traits helped me get into a lot of trouble and make unhealthy choices. Now that I understand submission better (and understand myself better) I am free to be all of who I am and do it in a healthy way. So lose myself; not at all. I found myself and I can’t describe accurately how wonderful it feels to finally be all of who I am instead of constantly trying to make myself fit someone else’s idea of who I should be. 

Commenter: "in not only supporting ur "master" in what is wrong but also inenhancing that wrong doing."

Response: This is a matter of opinion. I do not see our relationship as wrong because it is what works for us. I am healthy and quite happy.

Commenter: "hurting urself physically or emotionally doesnt excuse ur faults but only makes it more obvious..."

Response: I do not hurt myself physically or emotionally. In fact my relationship with master has done the exact opposite, it has strengthened me emotionally and physically. He supported me while I did a great deal of work on myself healing from an abusive relationship. As I went through the process of putting myself back together. He did not tell me how to do this other than to urge me to see myself in a positive light rather than a negative one.

I have faults and am quite aware of them. I strive to improve those faults. Some of them can be changed and others can’t. Master accepts me for who I am, faults and all. My master helps me while I work at correcting my faults through support and guidance. His goal for me is to see me be healthy, happy, strong, and all those good things as the person I am.

The commenter then goes on to bring up religion, Christianity and how God would not accept sadomasochism or submission as healthy. (for reason of space I’m not going to copy the entire section, scroll up if you want to re-read the last bit before reading my reply.)

I consider myself religious in so far as I do believe in a god. I was raised Catholic. BDSM and my desires for bdsm and my submissive personality were not the reasons I rejected that specific religion. I won’t get into all the reasons why I rejected it as those are too personal but I will say that I do believe in a god. I believe in treating others the way you would want them to treat you. I believe in caring for others. As for God accepting pain play activities, I believe he does and my logic is fairly simple. Sadomasochism is not new. Human beings have been engaging in such activities for thousands of years. Since God created all human beings, he created all varieties that exist within human nature; good and bad. Since he created them, he must accept them or they wouldn’t exist. 

I do not agree that a person can say “God created everything” and then say that He doesn’t accept the very things He made. Though this seems to be a prevalent belief among many religious people. This specific hypocrisy was one of the reasons I rejected Catholicism. Here is an example from my experiences: I was taught that a good woman does not enjoy sex and if she does then she is a sinner in God’s eyes and is unredeemable. This bothered me because God made the human body and the female body contains a clitoris. The entire purpose of the clitoris is to achieve orgasm, thus causing great physical pleasure and enjoyment of sex. God wanted people to procreate and one way to ensure that happened was to make sex enjoyable because, quite simply, if it didn’t feel good we wouldn’t do it and we wouldn’t procreate. If God didn’t want a woman to enjoy sex, he wouldn’t have created the clitoris in the first place.)

I could start providing quotes from the bible that support submission, corporal punishment and sex between spouses as there are many appropriate ones to be found. However, I do not want to get into a religious debate and providing such quotes will do just that.  

commenter: ur just not another body ... u maybe thinking ... as you said ... but only about him.giving in to his wants it not giving in to his sadist nature. but obsessive thinking is not the right process thoughts.

I am quite aware that I am not just another body. I am quite aware that my needs, wants, likes, dislikes, desires, etc. also count. My master is also quite aware of these things and wouldn't have it any other way. Part of getting into a healthy relationship (regardless of bdsm-style or not) is finding someone you are compatible with. Finding someone whose beliefs about relationships are similar to your own. Within bdsm this means finding someone whose opinions and beliefs on bdsm topics and play are a close match to your own. In any relationship the people involved will do things for their partner for varying reasons (make them happy, just because they want to etc.). This also occurs in a power exchange relationship. My master doesn't just give orders or make rules based solely on himself. He takes into consideration my wants, needs, etc. before making his decisions; same as occurs in many vanilla relationships. I know my master always keeps my best interests at heart. We've been living together and married for just a little under 10 years. If he were an obsessive, overbearing, selfish boar I would not still be here.

 I have had similar comments sent to me via e-mail during the 13-14 years I have been online.  At first such comments would send me into a mental tailspin. I would start questioning myself, my choices, my needs/wants/desires …everything.  This tailspin was caused by low self-esteem, emotional baggage, fear, and lack of confidence/trust in myself. As I learned more about bdsm in general, and myself specifically my self-esteem and confidence grew. These comments no longer send me into a tailspin, nor cause me to question my choice to submit within a healthy consensual m/s relationship. Instead they provide me with an opportunity to discuss the various points raised in an effort to educate others. My intention is not to convert anyone into doing bdsm/power exchange if they feel it is wrong for them. My intention is to increase understanding and tolerance of power exchange relationships and bdsm activities as the healthy expressions of self that they are for me and many others.

There are many more points that could be made, more examples given, and more thorough exploration of each topic that was raised; but I chose to give just basic information as I knew this would be a long post anyway. I am definitely long winded *laugh*.