You Never Stop Learning

Master and I have lived together for 12 years now, and we are still quite happy with each other. In the past couple of months we both put a little more emphasis on making the power exchange a bit more blatant in our relationship. It had sort of fallen into the background. It wasn't dropped or anything, but due to my being bedridden for 2 years, with extremely high levels of pain and severely curtailed mobility there just wasn't a whole lot of blatant stuff going on. I mean I still handled the things I could do in the manner that master prefers. I still referred to him and he continued to have final say on everything. There just wasn't a lot of daily requirements such as tasks or him requesting service such as my getting his dinner plate, or a drink of water. This occured because I could no longer stand or walk for more than 2 minutes when the changes in my pain levels first started (summer 2010). Over that first year it progressed to my being able to stand for 5 to 7 minutes, but no longer than that. This was very distressing for both of us and of course the situation brought on one of the most severe bouts of depression I have ever gone through.

In my last entry I mentioned how my doctor had switched me to Cymbalta and how it was positively affecting my pain, depression, and my life. It has continued to help me a great deal which has allowed me to develop a social life again! YAY! I'm still working on the "scene reports" (for lack of a better description) of my experiences as the Fall Ball. I have all the basics down and am working on filling in the details, once it is complete I will post it in a series so it isn't a single entry that is 20 pages long LOL

I made new friends with the leaders of our local munch group (as well as some of the members) and thanks to the lower pain level (which increased my mobility again) I started going over to visit Skyclad Mistress a few times a week. I went swimming in her apartment complex pool multiple times. We went shopping together for dresses and lingerie for the Fall Ball, and lots of other fun things. Basically I started having a more normal social life again and it feels fantabulous!

With the relief of much of my depression's symptoms, and the lowering of my pain levels, master and I started talking about ways to once again make the power exchange more blatant in our relationship. As my symptoms improved, I am once again able to do more things around the house without hurting myself or causing a pain crisis. Master is choosing to move slowly with re-implementing service, tasks, play etc. so my physical strength and tolerance can grow and I'll have less chance of a setback. Two years of being mostly bedridden does a number on the strength of one's muscles. Anyway part of this includes writing in my journal again, the written notebook, on a daily basis.

As a result of writing in the journal, and having talks with master we have grown a bit over the last few weeks. It crossed my mind a little bit ago that we have both discovered new things about each other in these last few weeks. This realization caused me to start thinking of how people say things like "you learn something new every day" and other phrases in a similar vein. Master and I have had our issues and rough patches over the past 12 years, just like any couple will have, with the last two years being fairly rough due to my health; but we still have a close bond with each other and can still discover new things as well as continue to grow. What I am finding is that my fear that those two years would result in us growing apart did not come true. Instead we have grown closer together and have learned better means of communicating with each other. I think this is just wonderful because communication is so necessary for bdsm relationships (well any relationship really, but definitely with a bdsm one). With good communication disagreements or arguments don't occur as often and the people involved in the relationship get their needs met more easily. There are apparently always ways to increase good communications skills within a relationship, even one that is 12 years old. :)

I find it nice that even after 12 years together, we still aren't bored with each other and continue to grow as separate people AND as a master and slave and as a couple. We have had some really great talks in the last few weeks and have demonstrated that growth with each other. So now I have another thing to be very happy about thanks to the Cymbalta easing both my pain and my depression. Not only do I get a social life back, go out at least a few times a week, attend parties/munches/events, but I also have a deeper level of trust and intimacy with master again, like we used to have. Some of it kind of stalled during the last 2 years while I was bedridden most of the time. We are once again able to share our thoughts, feelings etc. with each other more readily and openly because the depression is a great deal less severe in me.

I am grateful for the return of a social life, but I am even more excited about and grateful for the ability of master and I to begin growing with each other (while enjoying each other in lots of ways--including the deliciously evil ones LOL) and once more having our m/s relationship be more active and thus grow as well.

Of course being able to play again and make love more frequently doesn't hurt either *wink*

Things are looking much better!

Returning To This Blog

I last wrote in this blog back in March of this year (2012). In that entry I discussed how the power exchange between master and I was different from what I was accustomed to and trained to in the past. We had recently talked a great deal about these things and I found that my decision to let go of my expectations (based on past experiences) turned out to be exactly the right thing to do.

Sadly my depression continued to worsen, as my constant level of pain remained very high (between a 7 and 8 as the normal constant level with spikes to 9 and 10 regularly) as well as my ability to move around remained extremely low. Master did continue to make service type requests of me (such as getting him a glass of water) if my back allowed it, sadly this did not happen very often. Not because he did not want to request service (he did want to; very badly even!) but because I physically could not do it. As a direct result of the constantly high levels of pain and severely decreased mobility (pretty much bed-ridden all the time) my depression hit a level I have not experienced before. This, despite taking anti-depressant medication on a daily basis. Apparently this medication just stopped working.

My doctor replaced it with a different medicine and it helped for a couple months, but not longer than that. I didn't realize that this medication was not really helping me. I wanted so badly to think that I was improving that I ended up in denial about my actual state of depression. I started to use old coping mechanisms from childhood; the ones that helped me to survive even if they did hurt me at the same time. I started dissociating from the people around me. Since I was stuck in bed all day every day, I spent my days surfing the internet. I read blogs, web sites that were supposed to be funny (and some really were!!), YouTube videos and such. I don't recall most of what I read or watched because I wasn't really paying attention. Instead I was using the web as a means of dissociating from my daily life and condition.

In addition to the dissociation, apathy also hit me very hard. I just didn't truly care about doing anything. I read the same book for weeks at a time, over and over, because I just didn't care enough to get a different book off the shelf. It was very bad. I had mentioned these things to my doctor at every visit, but I was ignored. Finally master came to an appointment with me. With him being there the doctor was much friendlier and actually listeened to what master told him (which were the exact same things I had been telling him [the doctor] for months! Anyway the result is that they switched me to a different anti-depressant, Cymbalta. In addition to helping ease depression symptoms, Cymbalta is FDA approved to help treat the pain of fibromyalgia and the muskuloskeletal pain of low back injuries.

I did not expect the Cymbalta to do anything for my pain. After a couple of weeks of taking the Cymbalta at the 60mg dose (half of the usual daily dose for depression) I started to notice changes. I was able to stand for a couple minutes longer, my pain wasn't feeling as "sharp" or "intense" as usual, and my overall constant pain level was lower than usual; instead of 7 -8 I was hovering around 6-7 most of the time. As more time went by these changes continued to get stronger. As a result I had to admit that the Cymbalta must be doing something because it was the only change in my medicine or routine. I began to get excited, though I tried not to get my hopes up too high just in case this improvement was temporary.

Well, it's been just under 4 months since I started taking Cymbalta every day. I haven't had any major side effects, or allergic type reactions to the medicine either. Instead my pain levels continued to change. I am so freaking excited!! I am feeling impatient to find out if the increased to usual dose of 120mg a day will lower my pain even more. Anyway since switching to Cymbalta I can now walk around a store for an hour (dress shopping for the Fall Ball held by Submissive Round Table in FL) without having to sit on the floor. I did have to sit in the dressing room and then againon the chairs near the front door. But instead of needing to sit and it taking 3 or 4 hours to actually help, I only needed to sit twice and neither one was an emergency! I babbled all the way home to Skyclad Mistress's house and for the rest of the night. I was just so excited when I realized what I had done. The pain crisis I was epxecting did not happen even though for the past few years a pain crisis was my usual reaction.

Thanks to this less intense and lower pain level I've actually been able to do more. Even better my desire to *WANT* to do stuff has returned as well! I've been going out to a friend's house to hang around, chat and swim in the pool that the apartment building has. I've been doing more at home such as cleaning, cooking, moving laundry and stuff. I haven't felt this low level of intensity in at least 10 years or so. It is just fantastc! As a result I find myself loving Cymbalta a whole lot more. I am so very very happy with the results!

The Cymbalta made it possible for me to go to my first weekend bdsm event. I was able to stay through the entire weekend! Since this entry is already very long I will write up my experieences at the Fall Ball in another entry.

Man am I a happy camper! LOL

WOW Far Too Long

It has been a very long time since I have posted to this blog and I feel badly about that. However, things in my life have been rather hectic at times. My chronic pain has gotten worse. I fell and got a new fracture line on the left SI joint on Christmas Eve 2010. I've continued to struggle with depression, specially since I'm pretty much bed-ridden. I had to have a cancerous tumor removed from my right breast in the summer of 2010. I did some fundraising for a family friend who's son was badly burned in an accident, which made my chronic pain even worse. I now can not stand for more than 3 to 5 minutes without extreme pain and having my legs give out dropping me to the floor. This, of course, brought about another tough bout of depression which I am currently trying to fight my way out of and not doing very well. I've been in bed since April-May 2011. As a result of the decrease in my ability to walk and the higher pain levels the overt actions of the power exchange in my relationship (such as play, any formal times, lengthy task lists etc.) took a back seat. We both still knew that Master owned me and that he had final say in all things, but overt behaviors became more erratic (such as getting him a glass of water) based upon my pain level.

Since we had some issues with keeping the power exchange at a more obvious level (rather than just the quiet knowledge of who has final say in everything) I wasn't posting here. We haven't played much in the past year either and we both really miss it. Master and I have spent time communicating and thinking about this. In the past, when the more overt dominant behaviors would drop away in the rush of daily life, I was usually the one to bring it up. I would tell Master that I missed it. We would talk about it and end up with a list of tasks I was to perform, rules to follow etc. As a result he would either try to be a bit more overt or he wouldn't. The latter would quickly replace the former and we'd be back where we started. So a while ago I decided to just stop bringing it up. It didn't change the fact that I was owned, nor that I would do things the way I know he prefers them done. It didn't change the fact that he is in charge and what he says goes in 99% of the situations we faced.

We started talking about this tonight and Master told me that when he feels like he is being prodded to do something it gets his back up and he ends up not doing it because it felt like he was being ordered to do it and he does not like feeling that he is being ordered to do something. I thought that might be the case (took me a while to figure that out), so about a year ago I decided to not bring it up and to just see what would happen. I did continue to follow the rules and do things the way he wanted them done. He still had the right to order me to do stuff (which he occasionally did) and he still had final say in all things. After a short while I started to notice that he was giving a few more orders here and there. I did not try to make a discussion about this requesting more than what he was giving at the time. Instead I just enjoyed it and obeyed. I did thank him when he gave an order, or mention that it felt good, but I did not take it further than that. I was curious to see where it would go if allowed to grow on its own. Over the last few months, this has continued to become more frequent. He continues to be very understanding of my physical limitations, but he has taken me to task verbally for my tone of voice, or taking a joke a bit too far and other things along those lines.

In February we attended the Valentine's Day party for our local BDSM group. We had an absolute blast! It was a lot of fun. My pain made it that we had to leave after only a few hours, which made me feel a bit bad, but overall I just felt wonderful for having gone and we had a great time! Around the same time we also started getting back on IRC and reading stuff on FetLife more often. I noticed that as we, once more, entered a bit more into the community itself (interacting with other bdsmers) his dominance continued to become more overt. I've noticed over the past 11 years that when Master and I participate in bdsm discussions, attend group activities, or hang around the chat rooms (including the gorean ones), that it brings the power exchange part of our relationship more to the fore-front of our minds. As before, this is now the case and this resulted in our discussion tonight.

Tonight we went out to eat at Mellow Mushroom Pizza (great food by the way!) and we talked a lot. One of the subjects we toched upon was the power exchange part of our relationship. We have both learned a lot about each other and how we fit together within our relationship as well as the power exchange parts in the past 11 years together (it will be 12 years in June). I have learned that Master is more quiet in his dominance. He isn't one to be micro-managing, or barking orders all day long. He prefers to teach the slave his expectations and preferences and then expects the slave to follow them whether he gives a specific order or not.

However I tended to focus on having tasks or orders given on a fairly frequent basis. I don't like micro-managament so I'm not talking about that, but I mean things like getting him a glass of water, or doing certain household tasks and things like that. I was used to having a dominant that would give those orders or give me a list of tasks to be completed for the next day on top of my regular daily stuff. So for me, there was some adjustment needed to adapt to Master's more quiet style of dominance as well as for me to realize that I do not need daily lists of tasks in order to feel owned and submissive. Also, within myself is the fact that I need to have limits and have them enforced, including punishment as necessary. Again my past experience differed from what Mastere preferred and as I am his first live-in slave he was still learning what worked for him the best and what didn't work for him. Master does not punish easily, nor quickly. My past experiences and his preferences in this area were not fully compatible. So this was another area that we had to work on and grow together within.

So over the past few months as I have noticed him giving more orders, rather than bring it up I just went with it. I was curious to see how it would develop if I let it grow naturally, on its own and in whatever manner Master wanted to go. I am happy to say that it continues to grow naturally. I'm also happy to say that I've managed to reach a point within myself that I do not need a daily list of things to be done (though I do enjoy it when it occurs, like when Master used to send me daily emails).  I would still enjoy receiving emails with tasks in them, but I no longer need them to feel like i am serving Master.

While talking tonight Master told me why he would often pull back when I brought up the subject of wanting/needing/missing more overt dominant behaviors. I had figured it was something like that but it was nice to have his explanation. We had a very good conversation. He told me that he had intended to continue with the more overt dominant behaviors becaues he noticed that I responded to them very well.

It is still pretty amazing to me how I can still learn new things about Master; even after almost 12 years together. He has said he will try to help motivate me to fight this depression and apathy, to help me get back a better quality of life despite the pain. I really hope he continues to do that as I have proven, more than once, that I can't do this all by myself.

So here we go again and I will try to write in here more often as Master told me he wants me to write a journal entry every day, whether it is on paper or on one of my three blogs. He doesn't care which method I use, so long as I use one. His reasons for this are fairly simple; in the past I have always done better when I was writing every day and since I've stopped I seem to have more difficulty in fighting my depression, working things out in my own mind, and more.

I love you Master and I thank you for your patience and your love!

Another Week Goes By

Another week has gone by. Time just seems to fly by now that I have gotten older. I remember, as a kid, that it felt like time took forever and waiting a few weeks for something felt impossible. I guess this is something everyone has to deal with as they get older.

I have started to participate in my sub_den discussion list again. A friend of mine told me that maybe I kill the dicsussions because I give too much information in my replies, trying to cover all the bases, and thus leave people with nothing to reply too. I thought about that for a while and I think he was right. So I have been practicing not doing that, in the hopes that discussions will continue even after I post. I really disliked it that people seemed to stop replying other than to tell me how smart I am or some such. Many people over the past 11 years that list has been in operation have stated that they look up to me as a model slave (which makes me very uncomfortable) and as an expert on BDSM (which also makes me very uncomfortable). I am neither a model slave, nor am I an expert on BDSM.

I am the best slave I can be and I still make mistakes. I consider myself to be fairly knowledgeable about BDSM, but not an expert. There are many people out there who know a lot more than I do and have more varied experiences than I do. I've had 3 power exchange relationships, one that was abusive in part due to the situations around the relationship. My current relationship is now 10 years old and we will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in December. So I do not have a lot of experience with play partners, play parties or things like that.

I've enjoyed s/m and b/d activities ever since I became consensually sexually active. They've just always been part of my fantasies and sexual activities from the start. But engaging in play activities is not the same as having served multiple dominants in a collared relationship. Of the three real life collars I have worn, I would have to say the first one wasn't even a dominant, though he was my husband at the time (now ex-husband).  So I get uncomfortable when people hold me up as some sort of bdsm guru or something.

Ahhh well on to the real life stuff now..

The new school year has started here in the South Eastern US. I am still home schooling my son as I did last year. So far, so good! He has done pretty well with doing all of the work I assign him. Even better I have done pretty well at actually teaching him, rather than giving him a list of stuff to do and telling him "Go to it! Ask me if you need help". I am not proud of myself for dealing with it in this manner last year. Part of it was the major depression I was struggling with. As I got treatment for that, I got better at being more actively involved. When I got more actively involved, the better my son did. So this year I have decided to be as involved as I can be, while still making him do the work.

I've been surprised at my response to being more actively involved. I thought I would be bored out of my skull, but instead I find myself enjoying it. We have had many great conversation about history and science, and a couple times about math. We did his annual review last week. This is when a teacher (currently working, retired, or substitute teacher) reviews his work for the year and decides whether he did enough work to pass the grade. HE PASSED! Both my son and I were very very happy to hear that. Not only did he pass but the teacher (currently licensed teacher in our school district) had only one comment for improvement of my home school program; to make him read more. So now he is required to read a book for 1 hour a day and upon completion of the book provide a small book report as proof (for the school district) that he actually read it.

Master has added keeping the boy child's school work to my daily list of tasks. This was at my request, as a way to help me not fall behind or give up. So far, I am doing very well and am proud of myself. Even moreso, I am very very proud of my son!

Other than school starting up again, nothing else has really been going on. Someone posted a comment on an old post I made about BDSM and disability. Thank you for your reply Lee, I appreciate knowing that this blog is still read occasionally by someone other than my master. I agree that disability does not remove the fact that one is submissive or dominant. For me, it just changes how things get done and we have to be more creative about things sometimes.

Well, until next time, Be well and play safe!

A very good day

Today was a great day despite the fact that nasty thunderstorms and havnig a physician's assistant (PA) poking, proding and pressing at my back has caused my pain to be pretty high. First, I had my pain management appointment. The doctor's office has hired yet another new physician's assistant and today was my first time seeing her. I was very nervous because being a pain management patient is difficult even with a great doctor. It is not unusual for the doctors and PA's to assume you are a drug addict without even bothering to read your chart or getting to know you so when you show up at the office for your appointment they already have their minds made up about you and you are now at a disadvantage. Everything you say, your body language etc. are all closely watched for any sign that you divert your medications or don't really need them. I've had doctors tell me that I was too young to have such pain, that breakthrough pain doesn't exist, that its all in my head and more. Right, a broken pelvis is all in my head. But I was lucky this time. Denise, the new PA, is GREAT! She actually listened to what I had to say and when she asked what my diagnosis was and I told her failed fusion to the left SI joint resulting in a permanent compound fracture, she told me that this would cause a great deal of pain. I was very surprised! Usually I have to try and convince the doctors that a broken pelvis is very painful, but not with Denise.

It was a great visit and I look forward to working with her in the future. She was easy to talk to, she listened, and she knew what she was talking about. She told me that the reason my appointments were now down to every three months (instead of monthly) is because the office has me on the list of "safe" patients. Meaning they know I follow all the rules, take only what I am prescribed the way it is prescribed, that I am not in danger of becoming addicted, that I don't divert my medication and I won't divert it, basically that I am trustworthy. I already knew that about myself, but it was still very nice to hear that my doctor and PA know it as well.

While I was in the waiting room I was stitching, like I usually do. I met a wonderful older woman named Grace. She comes from Panama and she used to stitch a lot. She can't do it anymore due to her health. She apparently has a lot of patterns that were passed down in her family from her grandmother and mother. She wants to give them to me because she could see how much I enjoyed stitching and she wants the patterns to go to someone who will enjoy them. I was so very touched by this! I will definitely treasure those patterns and probably stitch a bunch of them.

After the appointment I was hurting pretty badly thanks to the physical exam and the thunderstorms that are moving through the area. So I took a short nap, which helped a little. Master comes home tomorrow. I can't wait! I have missed him so much! The house always feels so empty when he is not here. I haven't heard from him yet today but I'm not too surprised. The person who set up his reservations screwed up and his hotel room was booked only until this morning. The hotel is also overbooked so he couldn't just add the day like he wanted to. Luckily a friend and co-worker is at the same symposium as him so he will share his room with master. I can't wait for him to get home tomorrow. I am expecting that when he gets home we will go into our room, close and lock the door and just spend some time together. Neither of us sleep well when we are apart so I am really looking forward to having him back in bed with me.

Due to the increased pain today I haven't done much because I know master would have ordered me to rest and take it easy. His number one rule for me is to not do anything that would hurt my back more. So when I am hurting real bad, I am supposed to take it easy. I am hoping I will feel better tomorrow so I can get some stuff done before he gets home.

All in all a very good day!

Daily Power Exchange

So many people think that a daily power exchange must be full of rituals, strict requirements, and such. This is true of some relationships, but not all of them. My relationship is a bit more laid back, in part because we still have children in the home. With kids in the house, rituals have to be fairly circumspect. For example, master can not require that I meet him at the door naked, collared, and kneeling when he comes home from work. Its just not the thing to do with kids in the house. But master does have some requirements that could fall under "daily rituals" such as the 20 minutes alone in our bedroom when he gets home from work. Most often we take those few minutes to cuddle with each other and just talk to one another, or tease each other. Sometimes there is a spot of play or we make love.

Day and in day out power exchange is pretty much like any other relationship, we have our routines and tend to follow them. So certain things are just done without an order needing to be given. Master has gotten back to sending me a daily email with a list of tasks he wants me to complete that day. With my health issues there is not always a lot of things on that list, and sometimes it consists solely of "take it easy". Since my last post the emails have continued, and I have done the tasks given to me. My depression has gotten much better with the new antidepressant (thankfully!), which has made a major difference in how I feel and how well I can tolerate and handle my chronic pain. I'm still constantly surprised by the differences in those areas (now compared to 2009). I know that eventually I will get used to feeling so much better and feeling that way will become normal again. Until that happens I will probably continue to be amazed at how much better I have been feeling in so many areas.

Last week master and I spent the night at a lake because friends were vacationing in Florida and had rented a beautiful log home on the lake. We arrived Thursday night (the 10th) and had a blast just talking and joking with our friends. The next day they went tubing on a river and I stayed at the house on the lake because I didn't think my back would be able to handle me being stuck in an inner tube for 3 or 4 hours, unable to shift position when I need to. I didn't mind as I had brought my stitching and crochet with me, as well as a good book. I enjoy having time alone occasionally but with 6 people living here, I don't get time alone very often. So I spent Friday the 11th by myself. It was WONDERFUL! I read a book, did some stitching, sat at the dock with my feet in the water just listening to the sound of water lapping against the dock, the sounds of birds singing and watching people water ski on the lake. It was wonderful and I felt more rejuvenated afterwards, like I had recharged my flat batteries.

We've been working on the yard trying to get the leaves all raked up and the weeds mown down. There is a lot of sand in the soil around here (very close to the beaches) so we don't have a lush lawn of grass. Instead we have patches of grass and weeds. I've been able to do some of the work provided I go slowly, take breaks to gauge the increase in pain level, and stop when I hit a 6. I am also back to doing housework regularly so the house is neater and cleaner, things are also better arranged (budget, meal planning etc) and easier to keep up with stuff like laundry . Most of the tasks master assigns me have to do with those daily activities. He has learned that unless I am in a pain crisis, I can still move laundry even if I am in a lot of pain. It only requires me to turn the machine on, add soap, and throw in some clothes. It only takes a couple of minutes and can be done even if I am hurting badly. So laundry is quite often a daily task.

With the lightening up of my depression, my sex drive has also returned. So in the past 2 months or so (since my last post) we have played a few times and made love more often. It feels great to be myself again and master is very pleased with me.

Master is in Denver this week for his job's continuing education attending a symposium. So he gave me a general list of things I am supposed to do while he is gone. The first thing, as always, is not to push myself and cause a pain crisis. I miss him so much when he isn't here. I have a hard time sleeping because the bed just feels huge and empty. He also has a difficult time sleeping when he is away from home and for the same reason; when he is away I am not there. We've been talking a lot on the phone and hoping the week goes by quickly. It seems to be doing so because it is already Wednesday, which means he will be home in 2 more days YAY!

Well that pretty much catches this blog up to today. Thank you for reading and leaving comments, I do enjoy reading them!

Oh the repayment for a spot of fun

Master and I went out on a date on the 28th. I spent most of the next week paying for it. We went out to dinner and then raided the book store as we both love reading. My lower back was very very upset by this and hurt like hell. I ended up spending 3 days mostly in bed to try and get it to calm down. When it finally calmed down my period showed up, which is always accompanied by increased pain in my back and pelvis due to cramps and bloating. And now I am sick. Oh yay!

Master has continued daily emails with tasks in them and I've done the best I could, but many of them have had to slide because I was stuck in bed with extreme pain. I did move laundry though after the first two days in bed (I think..this head cold is making it hard to think LOL). Sadly Master woke up sick today and is not feeling good either. Oh well.

Here's hoping next week is a better week.

Daily PE

Master has continued to push and I am loving it. Emotionally and mentally I find myself a lot more relaxed, at peace with myself, and a lot happier when the PE is active between us. I understand that sometimes life gets in the way and the PE has to take a back seat for a little while, but when that goes on for too long I end up feeling a bit lost, confused, and anxious. Like something is missing and I start searching for what it might be. He says that he also feels happier and more at peace, which is wonderful!

I continue to feel much better and no longer depressed. I have managed to do everything that master has set as tasks so far this week and then some. The house is much cleaner, more organized and things are getting done regularly. Master says he feels more relaxed when he gets home now, less stressed and that just makes me feel wonderful!

Ebb and Flow of Control

The ideal of power exchange is that it is always "on". There is never a down time, or a period where the PE must take a back seat while the people deal with other issues or because the people involved are just tired. The reality is that sometimes the obvious measures of control do take a back seat or do become quieter for a while.

In my life there are a lot of issues to deal with on a daily basis. We have children, bills, health issues (mine and his), relatives living with us and a toddler among them. Master has a very stressful job as well. Due to those issues there are times where control becomes very subtle or fades all together. This doesn't mean that we do not know who is in charge, I just mean that things like calling me on not completing a task that day and things like play have to take a back seat. There are times where I was awake for 2 or 3 days due to pain and then I finally crash. When that crash occurs, master lets things slide until I catch up with my sleep and the pain settles back into its more normal levels of annoyance.

This can become very frustrating. Even though I understand why it happens, it doesn't change the fact that occasionally my emotions get all confused because of it. When this occurs we end up talking about it and going from there.

We are currently in one of those talking phases now. My pain has been higher because the radio frequency procedure has worn off. Master sends me emails every day with tasks in them, but he decides whether or not to punish for them not being done when he gets home and sees the situation for that day. Days where he comes home and I am in bed due to pain, or sleeping because I was awake for 3 days, or just stressed to the max because the 2 year old was cranky that day, are days where he lets it slide. Sadly, those are happening fairly frequently because of my pain level being higher and thus my mobility is lower. The pain puts a lot of stress on us, and he puts my health and well being before everything. I understand this and I appreciate it a great deal, but that doesn't stop me from having the occasional (and very normal human reaction) negative reaction.

I can only imagine how frustrating this has to be for master as well. Wanting things done a certain way and finding they can be done one day, but not the next, has to be annoying to him as well. Or wanting to play and not being able to because I hurt too much. I feel bad because I know, whether he admits it or not, that my problems must frustrate, annoy, or even downright piss him off on occasion. He is human and has normal human responses. He is an understanding man and he knew what he was getting in to when he collared me and he accepted those limitations. But even when one knows and accepts a situation, they can still have moments where they get frustrated. He has told me in the past that he does occasionaly get frustrated, so I am sure it occurs. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.

No matter what is going on, I know that he loves me and that I do my best to continue to do things for him as much as I physically can. I just wish I didn't have the chronic pain that I have so that I could do more for him. But having an understanding master is just wonderful!

There is a side effect of such a situation for me. I get used to not getting in trouble for not getting all my tasks done and then occasionaly just shrug it off as no big deal, as they don't really matter. When I realize I have been doing this I feel guilty and I realize I have been doing that lately. Not every day, but some days. It is really hard to get back to doing things after I have spent a year in deep depression with no desire to do anything at all. Now that my new anti-depressant is working I have more desire to do stuff and am slowly working at getting back on my feet and doing more.

Well that's it for me. Play safe and have fun!

The Joys Of Play!

I enjoy bdsm pain play activities. I enjoy subspace, but I also enjoy having pain play without achieving subspace. Sometimes I just crave the pain. There is a difference between pain caused by an illness or injury and pain caused by such a scene. My desires for a good spanking had started to ramp up the last couple of weeks, but with the increased back pain we couldn't do anything. Well yesterday I watched some spanking videos and this aroused me and my needs. Last night master and I did some playing and made love. By the second hit I was floating in subspace. Oh it was wonderful!

My nipples and other parts are still sore today but man oh man was it worth it! It satisfied my need for play, but not my need for non-subspace play. That kind of play is harder to do in a house with 6 people because I end up crying and usually fairly bruised, as well the play itself is noisy as he sometimes uses a hairbrush or flogger instead of the cane (which is quieter). Hopefully we will be able to satisfy this need soon.

Today was a decent day. My pain level is up due to playing and fisting last night (which always makes my pelvis hurt, which is why we don't do it very often). Despite the increased pain its been a good day. I had my doctor's appointment, am scheduled for radio frequency diagnostic next Wednesday and I got to drive my Mustang! YAY! I also did some stitching at the doctor's office. I love how, after we play, I am always in a good mood the next day. I feel more relaxed, mentally and physically.

Well that's it for me. Until next time, play safe and have fun!

Thoughts On BDSM, Relationships, Submission etc. and My Self

I wrote an essay about the Common Myths of BDSM back in 2005. I posted it in this blog (you can view original post here if you want.) I got a comment, which of course was written anonymously, on that old post. I get such a kick out of people who post such attacks, they always do so anonymously. Maybe that’s because their attack of another human being’s personal relationship choices is not Christian and they know it. Christianity teaches “Love thy neighbor whether you agree with them or not”, though sadly it seems more accurate to say that it gets taught this way more often “love they neighbor  only if they think and act just like you, otherwise attack at will!”

I realize that some people think these same thoughts when reading a blog such as this one, or the web site that I maintain. I am choosing to answer each point raised. Not to attack the original poster back, but with the intention of teaching those who read this and hopefully increase tolerance and understanding of the various relationship styles which exist in this world.  

Anonymous said: master slave relationship? are u sure ure talking about relationship and not just fucking losing ur choice on ur own.i read up the whole article but i still i can't consider you more than a doormat.
u have lost that choice of being yourself...in not only supporting ur "master" in what is wrong but also inenhancing that wrong doing.
 hurting urself physically or emotionally doesnt excuse ur faults but only makes it more obvious...
im not sure ur a believer of god ... because god doesnt allow these pains inflicted on a body he created...
or maybe ur just trying to accept the whole situation because ur "master's" sins wont be forgiven, ...
ur just not another body ... u maybe thinking ... as you said ... but only about him.giving in to his wants it not giving in to his sadist nature. but obsessive thinking is not the right process thoughts.
are ua christian? 'giving' is christianities first need.But not giving up ur life and ur thoughts. or for that matter ur body
pain is not A solution to ANYTHING
BETTER YOU DIE CUZ UR JUST INCREASING THE SIN BAG OF UR LOVING "MASTER"

(Italics are to separate the commentator's words from my own)

Commenter:  Do I consider this a relationship?

Yes I do. Dictionary dot com defines relationship as:

1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.

Our relationship fits all of the above in that we have a strong connection emotionally, mentally, and physically. We are married and we certainly have sex. So yup, I consider this a relationship.

Commenter:  Are you sure you’re talking about a relationship and not just losing your choice? (and doormat comment)

Yes I am quite sure. I entered into this style of relationship with full knowledge of what I was doing and why. My submission is given freely. It was not forced nor taken against my will through domestic violence or abuse of any kind. I still make many choices on my own every single day. Master and I do not engage in micro-management as it is not something that works for either of us. I do not have to have his permission to leave a room, change clothes, etc. I make decisions regarding children, my health, budgeting, and more every single day. Just because I keep his preferences in mind when I make those choices does not mean that *I* am not making the choice. It just means that I have an extra consideration involved in the process of choosing. It is not any different from a vanilla relationship where the wife chooses to wear a specific outfit because she knows her husband likes it the best. I just keep his preferences in mind for all the choices I make.Yes he has final say in everything and can veto a choice I make and I would obey him. But this does not negate the fact that I do continue to make my own choices.

As for the doormat comment: Anyone who knows me knows I am far from a doormat who blindly obeys any order given by anyone, has no thoughts/opinions/feelings of my own and lets everyone walk all over me. Being submissive does not make me a doormat. It takes strength to submit one’s will to another in a consensual healthy way. I am free to form my own opinions, think anything I want to think (or anything that just pops up for that matter LOL), and act in whatever way I choose to. Just like anyone else I have to consider the repercussions of my actions. I just have an added repercussion in the form of my master should I choose to do something I know he will not like. Everyone considers how their actions will affect their partner in any relationship. The difference is in how much weight is given to the partner's preferences over one's own.

 Commenter: You have lost that choice in being yourself.

 Actually I have done the opposite. For many years I struggled to fit into my parents’ ideas and society’s ideas of “normal”. This caused me to suppress large parts of who I am because they didn’t fit in with that ideal. By finally choosing to enter into an m/s relationship I am finally free to express all of who I am, suppressing nothing. I have always had a submissive personality, always wanted to please others and always doing things for others because it makes me happy. Before I knew about bdsm and healthy submission those traits helped me get into a lot of trouble and make unhealthy choices. Now that I understand submission better (and understand myself better) I am free to be all of who I am and do it in a healthy way. So lose myself; not at all. I found myself and I can’t describe accurately how wonderful it feels to finally be all of who I am instead of constantly trying to make myself fit someone else’s idea of who I should be. 

Commenter: "in not only supporting ur "master" in what is wrong but also inenhancing that wrong doing."

Response: This is a matter of opinion. I do not see our relationship as wrong because it is what works for us. I am healthy and quite happy.

Commenter: "hurting urself physically or emotionally doesnt excuse ur faults but only makes it more obvious..."

Response: I do not hurt myself physically or emotionally. In fact my relationship with master has done the exact opposite, it has strengthened me emotionally and physically. He supported me while I did a great deal of work on myself healing from an abusive relationship. As I went through the process of putting myself back together. He did not tell me how to do this other than to urge me to see myself in a positive light rather than a negative one.

I have faults and am quite aware of them. I strive to improve those faults. Some of them can be changed and others can’t. Master accepts me for who I am, faults and all. My master helps me while I work at correcting my faults through support and guidance. His goal for me is to see me be healthy, happy, strong, and all those good things as the person I am.

The commenter then goes on to bring up religion, Christianity and how God would not accept sadomasochism or submission as healthy. (for reason of space I’m not going to copy the entire section, scroll up if you want to re-read the last bit before reading my reply.)

I consider myself religious in so far as I do believe in a god. I was raised Catholic. BDSM and my desires for bdsm and my submissive personality were not the reasons I rejected that specific religion. I won’t get into all the reasons why I rejected it as those are too personal but I will say that I do believe in a god. I believe in treating others the way you would want them to treat you. I believe in caring for others. As for God accepting pain play activities, I believe he does and my logic is fairly simple. Sadomasochism is not new. Human beings have been engaging in such activities for thousands of years. Since God created all human beings, he created all varieties that exist within human nature; good and bad. Since he created them, he must accept them or they wouldn’t exist. 

I do not agree that a person can say “God created everything” and then say that He doesn’t accept the very things He made. Though this seems to be a prevalent belief among many religious people. This specific hypocrisy was one of the reasons I rejected Catholicism. Here is an example from my experiences: I was taught that a good woman does not enjoy sex and if she does then she is a sinner in God’s eyes and is unredeemable. This bothered me because God made the human body and the female body contains a clitoris. The entire purpose of the clitoris is to achieve orgasm, thus causing great physical pleasure and enjoyment of sex. God wanted people to procreate and one way to ensure that happened was to make sex enjoyable because, quite simply, if it didn’t feel good we wouldn’t do it and we wouldn’t procreate. If God didn’t want a woman to enjoy sex, he wouldn’t have created the clitoris in the first place.)

I could start providing quotes from the bible that support submission, corporal punishment and sex between spouses as there are many appropriate ones to be found. However, I do not want to get into a religious debate and providing such quotes will do just that.  

commenter: ur just not another body ... u maybe thinking ... as you said ... but only about him.giving in to his wants it not giving in to his sadist nature. but obsessive thinking is not the right process thoughts.

I am quite aware that I am not just another body. I am quite aware that my needs, wants, likes, dislikes, desires, etc. also count. My master is also quite aware of these things and wouldn't have it any other way. Part of getting into a healthy relationship (regardless of bdsm-style or not) is finding someone you are compatible with. Finding someone whose beliefs about relationships are similar to your own. Within bdsm this means finding someone whose opinions and beliefs on bdsm topics and play are a close match to your own. In any relationship the people involved will do things for their partner for varying reasons (make them happy, just because they want to etc.). This also occurs in a power exchange relationship. My master doesn't just give orders or make rules based solely on himself. He takes into consideration my wants, needs, etc. before making his decisions; same as occurs in many vanilla relationships. I know my master always keeps my best interests at heart. We've been living together and married for just a little under 10 years. If he were an obsessive, overbearing, selfish boar I would not still be here.

 I have had similar comments sent to me via e-mail during the 13-14 years I have been online.  At first such comments would send me into a mental tailspin. I would start questioning myself, my choices, my needs/wants/desires …everything.  This tailspin was caused by low self-esteem, emotional baggage, fear, and lack of confidence/trust in myself. As I learned more about bdsm in general, and myself specifically my self-esteem and confidence grew. These comments no longer send me into a tailspin, nor cause me to question my choice to submit within a healthy consensual m/s relationship. Instead they provide me with an opportunity to discuss the various points raised in an effort to educate others. My intention is not to convert anyone into doing bdsm/power exchange if they feel it is wrong for them. My intention is to increase understanding and tolerance of power exchange relationships and bdsm activities as the healthy expressions of self that they are for me and many others.

There are many more points that could be made, more examples given, and more thorough exploration of each topic that was raised; but I chose to give just basic information as I knew this would be a long post anyway. I am definitely long winded *laugh*.

Found a Distraction

I posted earlier about struggling to keep myself distracted so that I don't overdo it physically and make my back/pelvis hurt more than usual.Well I accidentally found a way to keep myself from doing too much and breaking master's #1 rule; injure a knee and be stuck off your feet. LOL

I didn't do it on purpose or anything, but two days ago my foot got tangled in the power cord for the fan in our bedroom. This caused me to fall and I landed real hard directly on my right knee. Ohmygosh did that ever flipping hurt! And here I thought my chronic pain was bad, this made it seem like nothing more than a stubbed toe! As a result my knee is swollen and quite painful. So far the only thing that seems to help it is to stay off my feet and apply ice off and on throughout the day. I can bend it and walk on it so I'm sure I didn't break anything, but I definitely bruised it real bad. So I spent today mostly in bed icing my knee and trying to sleep, which I failed at. Since it is 4:57AM it is obvious I still haven't been able to sleep.


Not the best distraction, not an intentional distraction, but it certainly works as a distraction from the increasing need to do more.

I am still working on my response to the points raised by an anonymous commenter to this blog. Hopefully I can get it posted soon!

Wednesday

Today was an odd day. I have felt "off" all day. Probably because I was up all night and was expecting my brother to have a major surgery today. Master took him to the hospital but apparently while I was asleep he called to be picked up so my SIL picked him up. The doctor decided, after my brother was all prepped for surgery, that it didn't need to be done right away since my brother isn't having pain in his legs. So they sent him home. This, of course, wasn't what I was expecting to happen today and I was all set for surgery, visiting at the hospital and recovery and instead, none of it happened, so things feel a bit off.

I slept from 10AM to 1:45PM which doesn't help that feeling of things being off a bit LOL

There was no email today because Master was very busy as work with loads of running around outside of the office. But that's okay because he had told me last night what he wanted me to do today. He ordered me to take it easy because I was in a great deal of pain last night (which is partly why I was awake all night) and it was supposed to rain today which always makes me hurt more. So today was a "take it easy" kind of day.

Something interesting did happen though. I posted last night for the first time in a year in this blog. When I connected my yahoo IM to chat with my daughter (possibly..as she is away for a few weeks) I got a message from another slave. She had apparently found my blog and liked what I had posted, so she contacted me via IM. I've spent most of the afternoon chatting with her. She seems like a very nice woman and we have many things in common. We have experienced similar issues in relationships in our lives, we have similar hobbies (she likes to crochet, as do I), she is disabled and is the same age as me. Her master will be moving in with her next week and I wished her well. She sounds so very happy and excited about it! I wish them both well and hope that their relationship brings them both a lot of joy! So now I have a new friend to chat with and that will be cool.

I went over my son's school work (I homeschool him) today, started 1 load of laundry and emptied the trash under my computer desk but that was it. Mentally I want to do so much more now that the depression has lifted but right now I know I physically can't or I will end up in a pain crisis. I hate when this happens because it is very frustrating to have the conflicting desires battling it out in my head. I have a lot more energy (physically, mentally and emotionally) and this makes me want to do more things but I know I can't. So I've been trying to keep myself busy mentally and distract my mind from the things I can't do right now. Hopefully I will get the radio frequency redone in April or May, and then I can start doing more physically.

When master came home from work, we sat and chatted about his day for a little while. I really enjoy those few moments alone with him but we don't get them uninterrupted very often. Our niece, who is 2 years old, lives with us and if we close our bedroom door she gets upset. She'll knock on the door, try to open it (we have to lock it), yells our names and cries. I feel so guilty when I have no choice but to go to bed and close the door because it upsets her. I don't like scaring or worrying her, which me going to bed during the day does to her.

She wants to spend time with master and I, specially when master first comes home. She doesn't like it when I have to sit in bed duriung the day, instead of in the living room where she can get in my lap or easily get my attention. So when I have to go to bed, she screams and cries. I try not to show my pain around her as it scares her and I don 't want to scare her. But soemtimes I can't help it. If the broken bones in my SI joint rub together or pop/snap/grind it sends a sharp pain shooting through me that I don't expect which will cause me to cry out. She loves me, so she worries when that happens. Though it is really sweet and cute when she insists on someone taking her into the kitchen so she can get me an ice pack for my back. She'll give me a hug and a kiss and say "all better?". She is so cute!

Oh! There was one more thing I did today. I started an essay. Yesterday, before I posted, I went through the comment this blog has received and deleted all the spam ones. I came accross a comment that was posted anonymously (of course) attacking me, my master, and our lifestyle choices on the basis of religion. I didn't delete the comment either as that would be unfair. People who post their opinions in response to my posts have every right to air their opinion whether it agrees with my choices or not. Anyway, this made me think for a few moments and I typed my thoughts into MS Word, which of course resulted in the beginning of an essay. Hopefuly I will get it done soon and post it.

Well that was pretty much it for my day. My pain is up to an 8 so I'm going to go to bed and do some stitching!

Today's Happenings

Master has gone back to sending me emails every work day. These emails contain my tasks for the day. Today's tasks were to pick up the bedroom a little bit and move some laundry. I did both. I also did a bit more. I did some picking up in the dining room, including clearing and cleaning the table for dinner, sweeping the floor and I folded some laundry including all the towels. I also did some picking up from the master bathroom and living room. When my pain went up I stopped so I wouldn't over do it.

I've spent the last couple hours stitching in bed. I figured I would take a break from stitching and post in this blog. I am trying to increase my activities but I do have to be careful and not move too fast.



I enjoy getting a task email from him daily, even though my chronic pain makes it difficult for me to do a whole lot, having those few things to do assists in keeping my submissive side alive. The radio frequency procedure has worn off, so my daily pain level has gotten higher. With the higher pain level, my mobility decreases but I am trying to keep moving as much as I can. Since Master's number 1 rule for me is to not push my back or in any way hurt/harm myself, I have to be careful. It doesn't take much to increase my pain level. This effects me in different ways with the biggest being feeling uselessand feeling that I do not satisfy or please him as much as I want to. I try to remember that he will let me know if he is not pleased and that he will not lie to me by telling me he is pleased when he isn't. But that can be difficult to believe, specially when I am stuck in bed for a few days, or when my pain level will not allow me to play or make love. I am my own worst enemy and do a great job of mentally yelling at myself for the things I have percieved as having been wrong. I have gotten better than I used to be, but I do still come down on myself more than I should. This is something I continue to work on.



I consider myself very lucky to have such an understanding Master. One who doesn't demand that I do things that I can not physically do. One who doesn't demand I hurt myself or tell me I am useless, no good, and that he wants another slave because I am disabled. Sadly there are people out there that are not willing to be in a relationship of any sort with a disabled person and I find that to be very sad. I understand that people all have different wants, needs, likes, and dislikes, and what works for one person doesn't work for another but personally I find that such an attitude (disabled people are not relationship worthy type attitude) speaks volumes about the kind of person they really are. It is not a good thing in my opinion either.



It has been over a year since I have written in this blog. I am sorry about that, but it couldn't be helped. I spent most of last year in a deep depression. It ate up everything! I didn't want to write, stitch, or anything else. I did not realize just how bad it had gotten until after my father passed away last June (2009). I asked my doctor to change my medication and it took a while to get it done. I've been on the new medication for about 2 months now and I feel ever so much better! I no longer want to just sit in a chair staring at the TV and doing nothing that I am not directly ordered to do. I have more energy, I sleep better, and I am enjoying things again! It feels marvelous!



I am hoping to post to this blog at least once a week, if not more often. The goal for this blog was to give readers an idea of what living in a 24/7 m/s relationship could be like. I understand that everyone's relationship is different but I wanted to help people to realize that an m/s relationship still has to deal with all the regular every day stuff a vanilla relationship must deal with. I thought that in order to show this it would be a good idea to blog about my relationship with my Master.

Until next time, play safe and have fun!

Power Exchange In The New Year & Give and Take in a Power Exchange

Master and I did some talking about our relationship and where we would like it to go in the next year. He mentioned wanting some kind of ritual in place and more frequent play as he really misses it (so do I for that matter). He is still considering what rituals he would like to put in place. He has started sending me emails on a daily basis with a task or two that he wants me to do in the email. I enjoy getting those daily emails from him as I have missed having specific tasks to do. I know what he expects on a daily basis, how he wants things done around the house and all of that, but it is still nice to get a specific task ordered. Sending those emails can be considered a ritual of sorts and it seems to be something he likes to do as well.

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day about how relationships change over time, even bdsm based relationships. She was telling me how in the early years of a relationship it is not unsual for the s-type to want to do all the household chores them selves, but as time goes on that may change. For me, I have wanted to do all the household chores myself because I do not work and master does, so I felt that taking care of the house is my job. Sadly due to my physical limitations, it is not always possible for me to do all the household chores. I'm not supposed to move furniture around for example, so when it is time to vacuum under the couch either master or someone else has to move the couch for me. Because of this I had to adjust my preferences to meet my reality early on. This was not easy for me to do and even now I have days where I feel that I am not pulling my weight. Those days always coincide with increased pain that results in decreased mobility. Master is very understanding of my feelings in this area (and most other areas as well).

Anyway as my friend and I were talking the idea of a family as a "team" came up. The point was made that even in a family where the parents have a power exchange based relationship, they are still a team and as such, each party can and should pitch in when needed. I have to agree with this statement. Service based s-type or not, master and I are married and we have children. We are also human. Because of those things there are times where we have to step up and pitch in regardless of the power disparity between us. I do not see this as detracting from my submission or his dominance. I see this as simply the day to day give and take that must occur in any long term relationship if it is to survive.

Separating out power, clarifying who is responsible for what duties, and setting limits on the relationship/behaviors/etc are all part and parcel of a bdsm relationship. But any relationship has to be fluid, there has to be give and take. This also applies in a bdsm relationship. Even with the clearly defined roles and responsibilities of a bdsm relationship, there has to be leeway for the very basic human nature of the people involved.

To me, who does the dishes after dinner does not reflect upon who has more power in the relationship. I think it reflects more upon how master and I care for and love each other that we are both willing to do things that are not typically part of our "role" for the benefit of our family and our relationship as a whole. I think this fluidness is often overlooked when people discuss bdsm parameters with a prospective partner, specially with novices. Many people seem to see the division of power as a way to clearly define who does what in the relationship and that those delineations should erase any need for compromise; so long as the s-type does their part and the d-type does their part then everything will be fine. Sadly no human relationship can be that easily defined all the time. Situations, emotions, needs, wants, desires and abilities all change over time. If the people involved are not willing to change when necessary to meet the needs of those changes when they occur, then I believe the relationship will have great difficulty.

I have decided to write my tasks down in my blog, hopefully on a daily basis. I miss writing in my journal so I am going to try to blog every day, though if something really personal arises that I do not feel comfortable putting on the internet it will go in my paper journal not online. I'm hoping that by doing this I will once again pick up my writing and start working on the many essays I have outlined in my notebooks. I am also hoping that this will help me start working again on my web site as I have fallen woefully behind on it.

Today's tasks:
Laundry
Grocery List
Balance Checkbook
Pay End of Month Bills/Budget
Clean Bedroom
Go to the doctor for follow up appointment
Shower and shave
Stitch for at least 1 hour
Work on writings

Power Exchange and Daily Living

Master and I have been together for 8 years now, which makes me very happy. I have noticed though that the power exchange between us has become more subtle than it was in the beginning. I am still well aware of who has final say. I still do things in the way I know he prefers them done, but the feelings of dominance and submission are not as intense as they used to be.

I am sure that some of this is simply that we are no longer in any honeymoon phase of our relationship. Having been together this long, that whole "wow this is so wonderful!" thing that happens in the begining of a relationship is not there anymore. I know that some of it is simply because we have both adjusted to each other and there is less need for us to tell each other our preferences, needs or wants; we already have a really good idea of what works for each other and what doesn't. I am also sure that some of this comes solely from my physical disabilities and how they effect my ability to do things.

I've talked about this with others who have been in a relationship with the same person for many years and they say similar things. I don't see this as a bad thing. I enjoy knowing where I stand and having the security that comes from knowing what to do and how to do it. With more time that passes, the more comfortable we get with one another. The more secure we become within our relationship and ourselves. I like that comfort and security.

Just a few thoughts that popped into my head.

More online bullshit

Well, yet again someone is trying to discredit me by telling half truths and contradictions. I had to kick/ban someone from my submissives only group for breaking both list rules and the terms of service of yahoo groups. I don't enjoy doing that, but I will do it when I have to.

Yahoo does not allow a group owner/moderator to send unwanted invitations to people, they consider it spam and it is against their TOS. It was brought to my attention by a few people on my list (one of whom had only been there 9 days or so, and was only on my list as it was the only one she had found [through LnR]) that they were receiving unwanted spam invitations to join another group. I asked that they send me a full copy of the invitation so I could see who was doing it. As soon as I found out who it was, I posted about it and banned the person, as I have done to every other person that I found harvesting email addresses and spamming my members in the 12 years my groups have existed. When I found out who it was I was a bit hurt and angry because it was someone I had thought highly of and never thought they'd do this, but they did.

Once she was banned I received two private emails from her partner (I'll call him John Doe). The first wasn't too bad, the second was getting worse and I replied politely telling him why I had banned her. The third email he sent in response was pretty dang bad and filled with insults and things that did not need to be said. I did not respond to this third email figuring to do so would simply cause trouble.

No one on my list discussed this other list, its owners, moderators or members. We moved on to discussing how to swallow cum. I started to receive private emails from people who were telling me what John Doe was saying on his list. He posted a totally unnecessary diatribe of lies and smoke screens to his list, badmouthing me and my list. I am not a member of his list so am not there to defend myself. When someone did defend me they were banned from the list.

I decided that despite my not being on his list anymore, I would respond to his statements here. He asked many questions that are designed to turn the discussion into an argument over things that do not pertain to the subject at hand; the banning of his girlfriend.

His girl (Jane Doe) was banned from my list for spamming people and nothing more than that. It had not been done sooner (she has been on the list since 2005, but never really participated) as no one had complained to me until last week. As soon as it was brought to my attention, I acted, simple as that.

John then posted about how they had not been online in over a week and that Jane had not gone into any group in months. A paragraph later he then stated that Jane went through her backlog of email (since they are set to receive individual emails from many groups, mine included..this means she read group mail, so she went "on the group"), found some interesting people and sent them invites. He posts this 3 separate times, followed again by his statement that she hadn't been on a group in months. Well, you can't have it both ways. This is a direct contradiction but more importantly, it is also a direct admission of guilt.

Despite his contradiction, in three separate posts, he made it clear that Jane did indeed break my list rules and Yahoo TOS. This is exactly why she was banned, nothing more. By sending invites to interesting people one finds through email messages from group emails, one is harvesting the email address off of a group email and then spamming the person with an unwanted invitation. He admits she did this. When I became aware she was doing it, I banned her.

So my response is: Since she did it, what is the big deal? Why did this warrant a rant on his list about all kinds of stuff that did not pertain to the situation at all? Why turn it into a huge drama that it did not need to be? I just don't get it.

As for his other accusations they were made solely to divert attention away from the matter at hand, that his girlfriend broke yahoo TOS and the rules of my list and was banned for it. There was no need for all the mudslinging bullshit that he threw out after that.

Interesting..he posts a major rant, calling up unnecessary crap, providing only a quarter of the truth all to cast the attention away from the behavior of his girlfriend; yet he says I am a drama queen? Pardon me while I continue to laugh myself silly over this...ROFLMAO

BDSM as a religion?

"Mainly what we are trying to show is that this is not a religion or religious practice, therefor we are not the atheist we have been accused of being for not believing or practicing BDSM.. "

Personally I am unclear as to how they got the idea that someone thinks bdsm is a religion, but so be it. Other statements were made to the effect that bdsm is not part of any religion out there, nor are power exchanges.

I do not see bdsm as a religion. However, I do understand how one can reconcile their religious beliefs and their desire for a power exchange relationship. Most often these quotes from the bible are used in this manner:

Ephesians 5:22-24
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Colossians 3:18Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord

1 Peter 3:1-6In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands, even those who refuse to accept the Good News. Your godly lives will speak to them better than any words. They will be won overYour beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight . That is the way the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, when she called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.

Also, Southern Baptists adopted a declaration back in 1998 which stated that a wife must submit to her husband in all things. This declaration used the same quotes above as proof for this. http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9F02EED8123AF933A25755C0A96E958260

I believe that the reason this whole topic was raised (and thrown in my face) was because one person repeated that the Southern Baptists had made such a declaration and that it makes those relationships very similar (if not the same) as power exchange ones (domination/submission or master/slave).

I do not see how bdsm in and of itself can be termed a religion, but I do see how some people need to reconcile their religion to their chosen relationship style and those bible quotes (as well as the Southern Baptist declaration) makes such reconciliation easy.

"See Exhibit B052108_Exhibit_B_RoseSpeaks.pd fandhttp://annanicoleandhowardkstern.com/051308_A... Rose says: May 16th, 2008 at 2:54 am BTW while I am venting here is McCabe saying he is NOT the head of his household so therefore my faith and beliefs that the husband is the head of the household makes me “porn”… ggggggeeeeeessssssshhhhh is McCabe upset because I follow my religious faith and beleive that God wants me to defer to my husband on certain things… WHY is my religious faith even at question here and are all of those women slamming me saying they are atheists or just that they would NEVER let their husband be the head of the house? Why don’t they put up or shut up… why don’t they answer… are all of the women the head of their households and they fear that some of us who still follow our religious beliefs should be destroyed for that… so is McCabe saying I must be hated because I am not an atheist but follow my God’s teachings??"

This is not saying that bdsm is a religion, it is saying that deferring to one's husband is part of the person's religious faith. The quotes from the bible above support this belief, as does the baptist declaration from 1998. These people twisted this post (which was not even on their forum in the first place, but an entirely different one) to say that Rose believes bdsm to be a religion. Sad how some people can't read English very well.

Is BDSM Domestic Violence?

The statements were made that bdsm relationships are domestic violence, abusive relationships. I disagree. Abusive relationships are not based on informed consent. The abuser does not discuss what he/she plans to do with their victim. Nor do they get permission of the victim to do those things. In BDSM the dominant partner does discuss their plans with the submissive partner and consent is given.

For more see:
http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/healingabuse.htm

http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/ravenbdsmabuse2.htm
http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/dakinidsandabuse.htm

Disability In BDSM

(Hopefully she wasn't abused, even willingly. We are seeing that most of these women are "Disabled" and it's not difficult to arrive at WHY. Very sad indeed.) This statement is basically saying that disability is a result of bdsm. This is so far from the truth as to be totally laughable.

I am disabled due to having given birth to a baby that was too large to pass through my pelvis easily and passing her caused extensive damage to my pelvis. Further I have degenerative disc disease which has affected two discs in my lower back resulting in bad discs and a great deal of nerve damage. Having my second child put further damage to my pelvis resulting in a fusion becoming necessary. The fusion failed leaving me with a permanent compound fracture of the left sacroiliac joint (part of the pelvis). This has had nothing at all to do with my lifestyle choices, engaging in bdsm play activities, or being a slave.

I know others in bdsm who are disabled due to diabetes complications, birth defects, auto accidents and surgical errors. I also know a large number of people who are not disabled at all yet are still involved in bdsm.

There is no proof that bdsm leaves people disabled or that disabled people are more drawn to bdsm than able bodied people. In fact, going solely by the numbers, I would have to say that the opposite is true (more able bodied people are involved in bdsm than disabled people).