It has been a very long time since I blogged, but that’s because I’ve been very busy. I’ll cover some of it. A long time friend of mine contacted me and asked me to create a web site for him. This is a business related web site with a domain name. Originally I was to create the site and maintain it while he learned to do these things himself. Then, once he felt comfortable and capable of doing so, I was to turn it all over to him. No problem. However, he has decided that he wants to give the entire site to me. Creation, management and creative design. He will, of course, maintain a high interest in what goes on the site and it’s layout etc. So I’ve been working on that for at least an hour a day. Right now, it’s mostly in the planning stage which gets done mentally and on paper. Testing new graphics, new ideas, laying out the pages and gathering information to be placed on the site. It doesn’t show a lot of the work I’ve done because most of that doesn’t get put on the site as a work in progress. Instead the final results get put up and those results are the pages with the gathered information, new ideas, new concepts and graphics or whatever. Though, I haven’t been able to put as much time as I was hoping into the site’s creation. Sam ended up in the hospital again. This time under a baker act because she was suicidal and homicidal and told these things to a police officer. Turns out one of her “friends” was trying to teach her to worship satan. I feel like I’m an actress in a really bad made for tv movie. It’s surreal, but it is not a “dream” or a pretend situation, it is my reality as much as I wish it wasn’t. So I spent a week dealing with her being in the hospital. I got the unenviable job of confronting her on a daily basis by visiting every single day. This was because she was manipulating the doctors and staff into believing she was perfectly fine. She did the whole “honeymoon” thing by this I mean she was smiling, laughing, happy, and generally very upbeat. She gave them no trouble at all. Which, of course, was in direct conflict with mine, Ron’s and ayli’s descriptions of her behavior and moods at home. We did a family therapy session in which Sam let down these defenses and showed how she was truly feeling and what she was truly thinking because I could see through her façade and told her to knock it off that I wasn’t buying it. So because of the fact that I could see through her, the psychiatrist demanded that I visit every day specifically to confront her and make her face her own thoughts/feelings. Not a position I wanted to be in. This kid is over 5 feet tall now, and strong. She is capable of really harming me physically, and when pushed she will start a physical fight with me. So to a certain extent I am afraid of her. Add to that the 7 years of dealing with this shit and I’m just emotionally worn out and tired of dealing with the roller coaster that is her emotions now. They’ve changed some of her medication doses and added a new one, this seems to be working well and she is a lot calmer. She has also been making a more concerted effort to talk to me about how she feels and what she thinks. As long as she talks to me, or to someone, and I mean really talks not just gives lip service, she doesn’t explode. It’s when she doesn’t talk, and instead hides from her thoughts and feelings, that she explodes and loses her self control. So anyway, that has taken a lot of my time. Add in the standard day to day stuff of running a household with 4 children, and that cuts down on my time as well. But that’s ok.

Simi and Ror came to visit. They arrived yesterday afternoon. I was very excited that they were coming to visit. We all seemed to get along so well online and I really like simi so I was real excited to meet them real life. I hoped we would get along as well in real life as we do online. My hopes were not met, instead they were exceeded. We got along extremely well and had a blast while they were here! I felt comfortable with both of them immediately, which was real nice. So did ayli, Ron and the kids. Kyle thought new people in the house was just wonderful and he had an absolute blast talking to both of them. I was not expecting any play to occur because this was our first meeting. I was pleasantly surprised however. Ayli and I spent a great deal of time cooking a special dinner for our guests and it came out absolutely perfect. I am proud of my part in the meal and I’m sure ayli is proud of hers as well, if not she should be. She is :) We all sat down to eat and every had seconds or even thirds. And we all talked, laughed and enjoyed the company throughout the meal. It was a lovely dinner.

After the kids went to bed Simi brought in the “toy bag”. Ohhh I was excited. She had described a collar to me online and said that a verbal description just didn’t do it justice. She told me she’d bring it with her when she visited, so I was really looking forward to seeing it. It is a gorgeous collar! Though it took about 3 hours from the time the toy bag was brought out until the time we actually looked at the collar. Instead, we had put in the movie American Beauty but no one was paying attention to it. Instead we were talking and having fun. The discussion turned to needle play. Simi was describing how Ror uses needles on her and we were fascinated by it. So next thing I new, Ror was demonstrating. He did a ladder on simi’s breast, and then a cross. She barely flinched, though with the cross she did some Lamaze breathing. Throughout it all she was explaining how it feels and how she deals with the pain and variations that she has seen or heard of with needle play. I was fascinated. I wanted to try, but I was still very scared of the needles. I guess I’ve come to the whole fear of needles thing that so many people have. Ayli sat down and Ror put a ladder on her left breast. She didn’t flinch either and she started talking about how cool it felt and interesting and all that. This made me want to try even more. Ron, bless his heart, knew I wanted to try it and that I was only hesitating out of fear so he ordered me to sit down and let Ror do it, so of course I did. Before Ror could start though, Ron put the purple velvet collar on my neck. He looked very intense and all I could think of was doing my best not to wimp out and to please him. I really was scared. I did not look as Ror put the first needle in above my right breast. (They were 20 guage needles) Ron was holding my hand. Simi was talking to me, and honestly I don’t remember anything she said to me I was just too afraid. Of course, I was very tense and thus it hurt. But once it was in, I realized it had not hurt anywhere near as badly as I was afraid it would, and I relaxed. I found myself staring at this needle that was through my skin and was fascinated by it. I mean it looked like it should be hurting like absolute hell, but it didn’t. There was a sense of pressure (closest word I can think of) but no real pain. The worst of the pain came with the initial piercing of the needle through my skin, with a less sharp pain coming when the needle exited the other side. I watched as Ror put in the next 3 forming a ladder. I only flinched on the third one. I found that watching it was easier for me, and because I knew when the pain would hit I was able to handle it a lot easier. I found myself thinking over and over that it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. I was also very amazed that I had actually let someone do this. I had wanted to try it, I had fantasized about it, but I guess I had never really let myself think that it would ever come true so I was kind of shocked when I actually had needles in my skin. Ron was watching very closely as Ror put the needles through. He had watched just as closely with Simi and ayli as well and had already used a needle on himself in 4 spots to get a feel for doing it. Ror put another ladder on my left breast, again using 4 needles and only one of those (least that’s all I can remember right now) made me flinch. He put a cross in on the right breast’s edge and that did hurt quite a bit. Mostly the second needle on the cross hurt because it had to go beneath the first needle. But even that wasn’t too bad. I did the breathing thing. Simi was encouraging me the whole time. Talking to me, and reminding me to breathe deeply. She even said “It’s through” everytime the needle broke through the skin the second time to exit. After the third needle I had a pretty good idea of when the needle exited anyway, but I found her verbal assurances to be quite comforting and helpful. I was also surprised, but not overly surprised, that I was not embarrassed to be bare chested in front of two people I had literally just met. I was a bit shy at first, but as soon as Ron gave the order to sit down for Ror to do the needles, that shyness went away. I was not the least bit afraid that Ror would truly hurt me. He did not intimidate me at all, nor did he pressure me. He asked if I was sure I wanted to do this, so I had to admit that yes I really wanted to try but I was scared. He smiled at me and was very patient. That meant a great deal to me. Ron sat right beside me, holding my hand and talking softly in my ear. Telling me that I looked beautiful, he was very pleased, and that he loves me and I am his lady his slut his slave. I got a bit fuzzy headed, but nowhere near sub space, just very relaxed. Once both ladders and one cross were in place we ended up pausing. Ron was very pleased by what he saw and Ror was smiling so I figured he liked what he saw too. Things went into other activities that I won’t go into great detail about because they aren’t my details to reveal but suffice it to say I got to see some very interesting things. I assisted Ron in topping. We were using crops and got into a rhythm with them. I enjoyed that. I found it so interesting that I could enjoy it because I’ve never really enjoyed topping before but for some reason, with Ron, I can co-top with him and enjoy it. I don’t feel like I am the one in control, it is his scene. Nor do I feel like I am topping from the bottom. I did enjoy making the person go “ouch!” though. Guess I have a slight sadistic streak in me afterall. LOL

I got to see a vampire glove used, which made some really great marks! Of course blood was involved from the needles, vampire glove and straight razor. The sight of the blood on white skin was fascinating! I really enjoyed the reaction of the person these things were being done too as well. After about 45 minutes of this play Simi wanted to show me how a cross gets done in between the breasts. She kept saying my breasts were perfect for a cross in the cleavage area. I was scared of putting one there though because she had also said that putting needles in areas where there is less padding between the skin and the underlying bones can hurt more, like over the clavicles. I do not have a whole lot of padding between my sternum and skin. So Ror did one on her first. It looked very pretty I have to admit. Then Ron spoke up and said I was not symmetrical in that I needed a cross on the left breast, and one in the middle. Ror likes to make his needle work very symmetrical and calls it artistic. I have to admit that it looks beautiful. So, Ron spoke and I sat down again. But before we could start on that Ron layed me down. He wanted to put a needle in me. He chose my thigh for his first needle attempt. I am guessing it was because my thigh has more padding than my chest (other than my breasts I mean) does. Simi told me to hold still because it would hurt more if I moved. I got scared because I couldn’t see what he was doing and I have very sensitive inner thighs. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to take it, but I did. He went slow, which simi told me later makes it hurt more , but he managed to put the needle through my thigh. It wasn’t too bad, it did hurt more than the ones on my chest, but not so bad that I felt I needed to tell him to stop. When it first broke the skin I panicked. I wriggled a bit (all but my right leg since he was piercing that one LOL) and grabbed the headboard. I forced myself to calm down and breathe deep. Simi reminded me to breathe through it and asked if I was ok. All I could do was nod. It did hurt and it hurt a lot. But I felt it break the skin the second time and I knew it was in place. He let me sit up and I stared at the needle. I was amazed that there was one in my thigh. I know it sounds silly because there were 10 in my breasts so it isn’t like this was a shock or anything, but all the same I found myself just as amazed by that one as I was by the ones in my breasts. LOL It hurt though, so I asked if I could take it out and Ron said I could. So I took that one out. Then I faced Ror. (I may not have the exact order of everything correct, but I think I’m at least close)

I couldn’t bare to look when he put the first one in between my breasts. I was again afraid it would hurt too much for me to take. So I looked away instead. Ron wasn’t holding my hand this time, instead he had clipped my wrist cuffs together. I’m guessing it was to keep me from getting my hands in the way but I’m not sure. Though it could have been because he likes to see me cuffed. Anyway, Simi was talking to me and I kept staring at the needles that were between her breasts. The first one did not hurt that bad, but it did hurt more than the needles in the fleshier part of my breasts themselves. The second one, which went under the first, did not hurt as badly when it first pierced the skin, but did hurt more as he moved it under the first one then brought it up and out the other side. The pain faded real fast and I found myself staring at the needles between my breasts, once more amazed that I had taken it without screaming or anything. Ror then put a third cross on the side of my left breast. This one was a little higher than the one on the right side, and a little closer to my side than the rounder part of my breast. It did hurt. That one had me saying ouch. Once the needles were in though, the pain did subside. It did continue to “sting” for a while though.

Ron released my wrists and I went to place my hands behind me and put my weight on them, and that stretched the skin of my chest and pulled at the needles between my breasts. OUCH! I stopped doing that real fast!! LOLOL Ror took some pictures of my breasts once all the needles were in place. I have to admit it looked very pretty and was quite symnmetrical with balancing ladders and crosses. I liked it. They stayed in about 5 more minutes (I think it was 5 it may have been more or a little less) then I asked to remove them. Ror removed the left cross first, both needles at the same time I think. Then he took the ones from between my breasts, and I know he did those both at once. Then he took the ladder off my left breast. I thought he would do those 1 at a time but he didn’t. He took all four at once and I dind’t even realize it. I was talking to simi and ayli I think. I looked down and all four were gone. I was quite surprised because I hadn’t felt any pain when they came out. Ron took the ladder off my right breast, and did all four at once. Again it didn’t really hurt at all. Then the cross on the right was removed. I bled a little but not a lot. Which was slightly disappointing but not too much. Simi figured I would bruise because the needles were in for so long. But when I woke up this morning, there were no bruises. I’m not surprised. I tried telling her I don’t bruise easily but I don’t think she believed me. Instead of bruises I have these really neat little sets of red scabs. Looks like . . in four rows for the ladders and in a square almost for the crosses. I like the marks ;)

I am feeling rather excited, happy and high today still. I really enjoyed needle play. Simi and Ror gave Ron a box of 22 guage needles so I think we’ll be doing needle play ourselves. Ron feels comfortable in doing them, and I feel comfortable with him doing them. Though we cant do anymore until after my doctor’s appointment. If it was a civilian doctor I wouldn’t care, but with my doc being a military one I don’t think having those marks on my body would be a good idea. LOL

I was very happy with how I handled needles. I did not get into sub space but I found myself feeling just as happy without it. It was because Ron was so pleased with it. He is exercising his sadistic side and I’m enjoying that a lot. I get a great deal of personal pleasure in knowing I’ve made him happy or proud somehow even if it’s by wriggling and going “ouch” because he wants to see me do that. I get a big kick and emotional high off of making him happy and pleasing him. I also like that he is exericising his sadistic side because I do have a masochistic side. There are times I want to play but I don’t want sub space, I want the pain. I want to feel the pain, but not just because I want to feel the pain but because my partner (specifically Ron) wants to hurt me. I guess a better way of wording that is I crave pain play at times without benefit of sub space because I know that Ron enjoys it when I wriggle and go “ouch” sometimes. By taking that pain I please Ron, and that makes me feel good. I’m not sure how to explain the rest of my thoughts/feelings on that point so I’m not going to try this is already a disgustingly long entry! LOL

After all the play was over we all talked for a little while longer before finally going to bed at 4AM or so. Lol

We spent today talking and enjoying each other’s company again. I really had a great time with simi and Ror’s visit. They are wonderful people and a lot of fun :)

Well that’s about it for now.