You Never Stop Learning

Master and I have lived together for 12 years now, and we are still quite happy with each other. In the past couple of months we both put a little more emphasis on making the power exchange a bit more blatant in our relationship. It had sort of fallen into the background. It wasn't dropped or anything, but due to my being bedridden for 2 years, with extremely high levels of pain and severely curtailed mobility there just wasn't a whole lot of blatant stuff going on. I mean I still handled the things I could do in the manner that master prefers. I still referred to him and he continued to have final say on everything. There just wasn't a lot of daily requirements such as tasks or him requesting service such as my getting his dinner plate, or a drink of water. This occured because I could no longer stand or walk for more than 2 minutes when the changes in my pain levels first started (summer 2010). Over that first year it progressed to my being able to stand for 5 to 7 minutes, but no longer than that. This was very distressing for both of us and of course the situation brought on one of the most severe bouts of depression I have ever gone through.

In my last entry I mentioned how my doctor had switched me to Cymbalta and how it was positively affecting my pain, depression, and my life. It has continued to help me a great deal which has allowed me to develop a social life again! YAY! I'm still working on the "scene reports" (for lack of a better description) of my experiences as the Fall Ball. I have all the basics down and am working on filling in the details, once it is complete I will post it in a series so it isn't a single entry that is 20 pages long LOL

I made new friends with the leaders of our local munch group (as well as some of the members) and thanks to the lower pain level (which increased my mobility again) I started going over to visit Skyclad Mistress a few times a week. I went swimming in her apartment complex pool multiple times. We went shopping together for dresses and lingerie for the Fall Ball, and lots of other fun things. Basically I started having a more normal social life again and it feels fantabulous!

With the relief of much of my depression's symptoms, and the lowering of my pain levels, master and I started talking about ways to once again make the power exchange more blatant in our relationship. As my symptoms improved, I am once again able to do more things around the house without hurting myself or causing a pain crisis. Master is choosing to move slowly with re-implementing service, tasks, play etc. so my physical strength and tolerance can grow and I'll have less chance of a setback. Two years of being mostly bedridden does a number on the strength of one's muscles. Anyway part of this includes writing in my journal again, the written notebook, on a daily basis.

As a result of writing in the journal, and having talks with master we have grown a bit over the last few weeks. It crossed my mind a little bit ago that we have both discovered new things about each other in these last few weeks. This realization caused me to start thinking of how people say things like "you learn something new every day" and other phrases in a similar vein. Master and I have had our issues and rough patches over the past 12 years, just like any couple will have, with the last two years being fairly rough due to my health; but we still have a close bond with each other and can still discover new things as well as continue to grow. What I am finding is that my fear that those two years would result in us growing apart did not come true. Instead we have grown closer together and have learned better means of communicating with each other. I think this is just wonderful because communication is so necessary for bdsm relationships (well any relationship really, but definitely with a bdsm one). With good communication disagreements or arguments don't occur as often and the people involved in the relationship get their needs met more easily. There are apparently always ways to increase good communications skills within a relationship, even one that is 12 years old. :)

I find it nice that even after 12 years together, we still aren't bored with each other and continue to grow as separate people AND as a master and slave and as a couple. We have had some really great talks in the last few weeks and have demonstrated that growth with each other. So now I have another thing to be very happy about thanks to the Cymbalta easing both my pain and my depression. Not only do I get a social life back, go out at least a few times a week, attend parties/munches/events, but I also have a deeper level of trust and intimacy with master again, like we used to have. Some of it kind of stalled during the last 2 years while I was bedridden most of the time. We are once again able to share our thoughts, feelings etc. with each other more readily and openly because the depression is a great deal less severe in me.

I am grateful for the return of a social life, but I am even more excited about and grateful for the ability of master and I to begin growing with each other (while enjoying each other in lots of ways--including the deliciously evil ones LOL) and once more having our m/s relationship be more active and thus grow as well.

Of course being able to play again and make love more frequently doesn't hurt either *wink*

Things are looking much better!

Returning To This Blog

I last wrote in this blog back in March of this year (2012). In that entry I discussed how the power exchange between master and I was different from what I was accustomed to and trained to in the past. We had recently talked a great deal about these things and I found that my decision to let go of my expectations (based on past experiences) turned out to be exactly the right thing to do.

Sadly my depression continued to worsen, as my constant level of pain remained very high (between a 7 and 8 as the normal constant level with spikes to 9 and 10 regularly) as well as my ability to move around remained extremely low. Master did continue to make service type requests of me (such as getting him a glass of water) if my back allowed it, sadly this did not happen very often. Not because he did not want to request service (he did want to; very badly even!) but because I physically could not do it. As a direct result of the constantly high levels of pain and severely decreased mobility (pretty much bed-ridden all the time) my depression hit a level I have not experienced before. This, despite taking anti-depressant medication on a daily basis. Apparently this medication just stopped working.

My doctor replaced it with a different medicine and it helped for a couple months, but not longer than that. I didn't realize that this medication was not really helping me. I wanted so badly to think that I was improving that I ended up in denial about my actual state of depression. I started to use old coping mechanisms from childhood; the ones that helped me to survive even if they did hurt me at the same time. I started dissociating from the people around me. Since I was stuck in bed all day every day, I spent my days surfing the internet. I read blogs, web sites that were supposed to be funny (and some really were!!), YouTube videos and such. I don't recall most of what I read or watched because I wasn't really paying attention. Instead I was using the web as a means of dissociating from my daily life and condition.

In addition to the dissociation, apathy also hit me very hard. I just didn't truly care about doing anything. I read the same book for weeks at a time, over and over, because I just didn't care enough to get a different book off the shelf. It was very bad. I had mentioned these things to my doctor at every visit, but I was ignored. Finally master came to an appointment with me. With him being there the doctor was much friendlier and actually listeened to what master told him (which were the exact same things I had been telling him [the doctor] for months! Anyway the result is that they switched me to a different anti-depressant, Cymbalta. In addition to helping ease depression symptoms, Cymbalta is FDA approved to help treat the pain of fibromyalgia and the muskuloskeletal pain of low back injuries.

I did not expect the Cymbalta to do anything for my pain. After a couple of weeks of taking the Cymbalta at the 60mg dose (half of the usual daily dose for depression) I started to notice changes. I was able to stand for a couple minutes longer, my pain wasn't feeling as "sharp" or "intense" as usual, and my overall constant pain level was lower than usual; instead of 7 -8 I was hovering around 6-7 most of the time. As more time went by these changes continued to get stronger. As a result I had to admit that the Cymbalta must be doing something because it was the only change in my medicine or routine. I began to get excited, though I tried not to get my hopes up too high just in case this improvement was temporary.

Well, it's been just under 4 months since I started taking Cymbalta every day. I haven't had any major side effects, or allergic type reactions to the medicine either. Instead my pain levels continued to change. I am so freaking excited!! I am feeling impatient to find out if the increased to usual dose of 120mg a day will lower my pain even more. Anyway since switching to Cymbalta I can now walk around a store for an hour (dress shopping for the Fall Ball held by Submissive Round Table in FL) without having to sit on the floor. I did have to sit in the dressing room and then againon the chairs near the front door. But instead of needing to sit and it taking 3 or 4 hours to actually help, I only needed to sit twice and neither one was an emergency! I babbled all the way home to Skyclad Mistress's house and for the rest of the night. I was just so excited when I realized what I had done. The pain crisis I was epxecting did not happen even though for the past few years a pain crisis was my usual reaction.

Thanks to this less intense and lower pain level I've actually been able to do more. Even better my desire to *WANT* to do stuff has returned as well! I've been going out to a friend's house to hang around, chat and swim in the pool that the apartment building has. I've been doing more at home such as cleaning, cooking, moving laundry and stuff. I haven't felt this low level of intensity in at least 10 years or so. It is just fantastc! As a result I find myself loving Cymbalta a whole lot more. I am so very very happy with the results!

The Cymbalta made it possible for me to go to my first weekend bdsm event. I was able to stay through the entire weekend! Since this entry is already very long I will write up my experieences at the Fall Ball in another entry.

Man am I a happy camper! LOL

Another Week Goes By

Another week has gone by. Time just seems to fly by now that I have gotten older. I remember, as a kid, that it felt like time took forever and waiting a few weeks for something felt impossible. I guess this is something everyone has to deal with as they get older.

I have started to participate in my sub_den discussion list again. A friend of mine told me that maybe I kill the dicsussions because I give too much information in my replies, trying to cover all the bases, and thus leave people with nothing to reply too. I thought about that for a while and I think he was right. So I have been practicing not doing that, in the hopes that discussions will continue even after I post. I really disliked it that people seemed to stop replying other than to tell me how smart I am or some such. Many people over the past 11 years that list has been in operation have stated that they look up to me as a model slave (which makes me very uncomfortable) and as an expert on BDSM (which also makes me very uncomfortable). I am neither a model slave, nor am I an expert on BDSM.

I am the best slave I can be and I still make mistakes. I consider myself to be fairly knowledgeable about BDSM, but not an expert. There are many people out there who know a lot more than I do and have more varied experiences than I do. I've had 3 power exchange relationships, one that was abusive in part due to the situations around the relationship. My current relationship is now 10 years old and we will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in December. So I do not have a lot of experience with play partners, play parties or things like that.

I've enjoyed s/m and b/d activities ever since I became consensually sexually active. They've just always been part of my fantasies and sexual activities from the start. But engaging in play activities is not the same as having served multiple dominants in a collared relationship. Of the three real life collars I have worn, I would have to say the first one wasn't even a dominant, though he was my husband at the time (now ex-husband).  So I get uncomfortable when people hold me up as some sort of bdsm guru or something.

Ahhh well on to the real life stuff now..

The new school year has started here in the South Eastern US. I am still home schooling my son as I did last year. So far, so good! He has done pretty well with doing all of the work I assign him. Even better I have done pretty well at actually teaching him, rather than giving him a list of stuff to do and telling him "Go to it! Ask me if you need help". I am not proud of myself for dealing with it in this manner last year. Part of it was the major depression I was struggling with. As I got treatment for that, I got better at being more actively involved. When I got more actively involved, the better my son did. So this year I have decided to be as involved as I can be, while still making him do the work.

I've been surprised at my response to being more actively involved. I thought I would be bored out of my skull, but instead I find myself enjoying it. We have had many great conversation about history and science, and a couple times about math. We did his annual review last week. This is when a teacher (currently working, retired, or substitute teacher) reviews his work for the year and decides whether he did enough work to pass the grade. HE PASSED! Both my son and I were very very happy to hear that. Not only did he pass but the teacher (currently licensed teacher in our school district) had only one comment for improvement of my home school program; to make him read more. So now he is required to read a book for 1 hour a day and upon completion of the book provide a small book report as proof (for the school district) that he actually read it.

Master has added keeping the boy child's school work to my daily list of tasks. This was at my request, as a way to help me not fall behind or give up. So far, I am doing very well and am proud of myself. Even moreso, I am very very proud of my son!

Other than school starting up again, nothing else has really been going on. Someone posted a comment on an old post I made about BDSM and disability. Thank you for your reply Lee, I appreciate knowing that this blog is still read occasionally by someone other than my master. I agree that disability does not remove the fact that one is submissive or dominant. For me, it just changes how things get done and we have to be more creative about things sometimes.

Well, until next time, Be well and play safe!

Ebb and Flow of Control

The ideal of power exchange is that it is always "on". There is never a down time, or a period where the PE must take a back seat while the people deal with other issues or because the people involved are just tired. The reality is that sometimes the obvious measures of control do take a back seat or do become quieter for a while.

In my life there are a lot of issues to deal with on a daily basis. We have children, bills, health issues (mine and his), relatives living with us and a toddler among them. Master has a very stressful job as well. Due to those issues there are times where control becomes very subtle or fades all together. This doesn't mean that we do not know who is in charge, I just mean that things like calling me on not completing a task that day and things like play have to take a back seat. There are times where I was awake for 2 or 3 days due to pain and then I finally crash. When that crash occurs, master lets things slide until I catch up with my sleep and the pain settles back into its more normal levels of annoyance.

This can become very frustrating. Even though I understand why it happens, it doesn't change the fact that occasionally my emotions get all confused because of it. When this occurs we end up talking about it and going from there.

We are currently in one of those talking phases now. My pain has been higher because the radio frequency procedure has worn off. Master sends me emails every day with tasks in them, but he decides whether or not to punish for them not being done when he gets home and sees the situation for that day. Days where he comes home and I am in bed due to pain, or sleeping because I was awake for 3 days, or just stressed to the max because the 2 year old was cranky that day, are days where he lets it slide. Sadly, those are happening fairly frequently because of my pain level being higher and thus my mobility is lower. The pain puts a lot of stress on us, and he puts my health and well being before everything. I understand this and I appreciate it a great deal, but that doesn't stop me from having the occasional (and very normal human reaction) negative reaction.

I can only imagine how frustrating this has to be for master as well. Wanting things done a certain way and finding they can be done one day, but not the next, has to be annoying to him as well. Or wanting to play and not being able to because I hurt too much. I feel bad because I know, whether he admits it or not, that my problems must frustrate, annoy, or even downright piss him off on occasion. He is human and has normal human responses. He is an understanding man and he knew what he was getting in to when he collared me and he accepted those limitations. But even when one knows and accepts a situation, they can still have moments where they get frustrated. He has told me in the past that he does occasionaly get frustrated, so I am sure it occurs. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.

No matter what is going on, I know that he loves me and that I do my best to continue to do things for him as much as I physically can. I just wish I didn't have the chronic pain that I have so that I could do more for him. But having an understanding master is just wonderful!

There is a side effect of such a situation for me. I get used to not getting in trouble for not getting all my tasks done and then occasionaly just shrug it off as no big deal, as they don't really matter. When I realize I have been doing this I feel guilty and I realize I have been doing that lately. Not every day, but some days. It is really hard to get back to doing things after I have spent a year in deep depression with no desire to do anything at all. Now that my new anti-depressant is working I have more desire to do stuff and am slowly working at getting back on my feet and doing more.

Well that's it for me. Play safe and have fun!

Thoughts On BDSM, Relationships, Submission etc. and My Self

I wrote an essay about the Common Myths of BDSM back in 2005. I posted it in this blog (you can view original post here if you want.) I got a comment, which of course was written anonymously, on that old post. I get such a kick out of people who post such attacks, they always do so anonymously. Maybe that’s because their attack of another human being’s personal relationship choices is not Christian and they know it. Christianity teaches “Love thy neighbor whether you agree with them or not”, though sadly it seems more accurate to say that it gets taught this way more often “love they neighbor  only if they think and act just like you, otherwise attack at will!”

I realize that some people think these same thoughts when reading a blog such as this one, or the web site that I maintain. I am choosing to answer each point raised. Not to attack the original poster back, but with the intention of teaching those who read this and hopefully increase tolerance and understanding of the various relationship styles which exist in this world.  

Anonymous said: master slave relationship? are u sure ure talking about relationship and not just fucking losing ur choice on ur own.i read up the whole article but i still i can't consider you more than a doormat.
u have lost that choice of being yourself...in not only supporting ur "master" in what is wrong but also inenhancing that wrong doing.
 hurting urself physically or emotionally doesnt excuse ur faults but only makes it more obvious...
im not sure ur a believer of god ... because god doesnt allow these pains inflicted on a body he created...
or maybe ur just trying to accept the whole situation because ur "master's" sins wont be forgiven, ...
ur just not another body ... u maybe thinking ... as you said ... but only about him.giving in to his wants it not giving in to his sadist nature. but obsessive thinking is not the right process thoughts.
are ua christian? 'giving' is christianities first need.But not giving up ur life and ur thoughts. or for that matter ur body
pain is not A solution to ANYTHING
BETTER YOU DIE CUZ UR JUST INCREASING THE SIN BAG OF UR LOVING "MASTER"

(Italics are to separate the commentator's words from my own)

Commenter:  Do I consider this a relationship?

Yes I do. Dictionary dot com defines relationship as:

1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.

Our relationship fits all of the above in that we have a strong connection emotionally, mentally, and physically. We are married and we certainly have sex. So yup, I consider this a relationship.

Commenter:  Are you sure you’re talking about a relationship and not just losing your choice? (and doormat comment)

Yes I am quite sure. I entered into this style of relationship with full knowledge of what I was doing and why. My submission is given freely. It was not forced nor taken against my will through domestic violence or abuse of any kind. I still make many choices on my own every single day. Master and I do not engage in micro-management as it is not something that works for either of us. I do not have to have his permission to leave a room, change clothes, etc. I make decisions regarding children, my health, budgeting, and more every single day. Just because I keep his preferences in mind when I make those choices does not mean that *I* am not making the choice. It just means that I have an extra consideration involved in the process of choosing. It is not any different from a vanilla relationship where the wife chooses to wear a specific outfit because she knows her husband likes it the best. I just keep his preferences in mind for all the choices I make.Yes he has final say in everything and can veto a choice I make and I would obey him. But this does not negate the fact that I do continue to make my own choices.

As for the doormat comment: Anyone who knows me knows I am far from a doormat who blindly obeys any order given by anyone, has no thoughts/opinions/feelings of my own and lets everyone walk all over me. Being submissive does not make me a doormat. It takes strength to submit one’s will to another in a consensual healthy way. I am free to form my own opinions, think anything I want to think (or anything that just pops up for that matter LOL), and act in whatever way I choose to. Just like anyone else I have to consider the repercussions of my actions. I just have an added repercussion in the form of my master should I choose to do something I know he will not like. Everyone considers how their actions will affect their partner in any relationship. The difference is in how much weight is given to the partner's preferences over one's own.

 Commenter: You have lost that choice in being yourself.

 Actually I have done the opposite. For many years I struggled to fit into my parents’ ideas and society’s ideas of “normal”. This caused me to suppress large parts of who I am because they didn’t fit in with that ideal. By finally choosing to enter into an m/s relationship I am finally free to express all of who I am, suppressing nothing. I have always had a submissive personality, always wanted to please others and always doing things for others because it makes me happy. Before I knew about bdsm and healthy submission those traits helped me get into a lot of trouble and make unhealthy choices. Now that I understand submission better (and understand myself better) I am free to be all of who I am and do it in a healthy way. So lose myself; not at all. I found myself and I can’t describe accurately how wonderful it feels to finally be all of who I am instead of constantly trying to make myself fit someone else’s idea of who I should be. 

Commenter: "in not only supporting ur "master" in what is wrong but also inenhancing that wrong doing."

Response: This is a matter of opinion. I do not see our relationship as wrong because it is what works for us. I am healthy and quite happy.

Commenter: "hurting urself physically or emotionally doesnt excuse ur faults but only makes it more obvious..."

Response: I do not hurt myself physically or emotionally. In fact my relationship with master has done the exact opposite, it has strengthened me emotionally and physically. He supported me while I did a great deal of work on myself healing from an abusive relationship. As I went through the process of putting myself back together. He did not tell me how to do this other than to urge me to see myself in a positive light rather than a negative one.

I have faults and am quite aware of them. I strive to improve those faults. Some of them can be changed and others can’t. Master accepts me for who I am, faults and all. My master helps me while I work at correcting my faults through support and guidance. His goal for me is to see me be healthy, happy, strong, and all those good things as the person I am.

The commenter then goes on to bring up religion, Christianity and how God would not accept sadomasochism or submission as healthy. (for reason of space I’m not going to copy the entire section, scroll up if you want to re-read the last bit before reading my reply.)

I consider myself religious in so far as I do believe in a god. I was raised Catholic. BDSM and my desires for bdsm and my submissive personality were not the reasons I rejected that specific religion. I won’t get into all the reasons why I rejected it as those are too personal but I will say that I do believe in a god. I believe in treating others the way you would want them to treat you. I believe in caring for others. As for God accepting pain play activities, I believe he does and my logic is fairly simple. Sadomasochism is not new. Human beings have been engaging in such activities for thousands of years. Since God created all human beings, he created all varieties that exist within human nature; good and bad. Since he created them, he must accept them or they wouldn’t exist. 

I do not agree that a person can say “God created everything” and then say that He doesn’t accept the very things He made. Though this seems to be a prevalent belief among many religious people. This specific hypocrisy was one of the reasons I rejected Catholicism. Here is an example from my experiences: I was taught that a good woman does not enjoy sex and if she does then she is a sinner in God’s eyes and is unredeemable. This bothered me because God made the human body and the female body contains a clitoris. The entire purpose of the clitoris is to achieve orgasm, thus causing great physical pleasure and enjoyment of sex. God wanted people to procreate and one way to ensure that happened was to make sex enjoyable because, quite simply, if it didn’t feel good we wouldn’t do it and we wouldn’t procreate. If God didn’t want a woman to enjoy sex, he wouldn’t have created the clitoris in the first place.)

I could start providing quotes from the bible that support submission, corporal punishment and sex between spouses as there are many appropriate ones to be found. However, I do not want to get into a religious debate and providing such quotes will do just that.  

commenter: ur just not another body ... u maybe thinking ... as you said ... but only about him.giving in to his wants it not giving in to his sadist nature. but obsessive thinking is not the right process thoughts.

I am quite aware that I am not just another body. I am quite aware that my needs, wants, likes, dislikes, desires, etc. also count. My master is also quite aware of these things and wouldn't have it any other way. Part of getting into a healthy relationship (regardless of bdsm-style or not) is finding someone you are compatible with. Finding someone whose beliefs about relationships are similar to your own. Within bdsm this means finding someone whose opinions and beliefs on bdsm topics and play are a close match to your own. In any relationship the people involved will do things for their partner for varying reasons (make them happy, just because they want to etc.). This also occurs in a power exchange relationship. My master doesn't just give orders or make rules based solely on himself. He takes into consideration my wants, needs, etc. before making his decisions; same as occurs in many vanilla relationships. I know my master always keeps my best interests at heart. We've been living together and married for just a little under 10 years. If he were an obsessive, overbearing, selfish boar I would not still be here.

 I have had similar comments sent to me via e-mail during the 13-14 years I have been online.  At first such comments would send me into a mental tailspin. I would start questioning myself, my choices, my needs/wants/desires …everything.  This tailspin was caused by low self-esteem, emotional baggage, fear, and lack of confidence/trust in myself. As I learned more about bdsm in general, and myself specifically my self-esteem and confidence grew. These comments no longer send me into a tailspin, nor cause me to question my choice to submit within a healthy consensual m/s relationship. Instead they provide me with an opportunity to discuss the various points raised in an effort to educate others. My intention is not to convert anyone into doing bdsm/power exchange if they feel it is wrong for them. My intention is to increase understanding and tolerance of power exchange relationships and bdsm activities as the healthy expressions of self that they are for me and many others.

There are many more points that could be made, more examples given, and more thorough exploration of each topic that was raised; but I chose to give just basic information as I knew this would be a long post anyway. I am definitely long winded *laugh*.

Power Exchange In The New Year & Give and Take in a Power Exchange

Master and I did some talking about our relationship and where we would like it to go in the next year. He mentioned wanting some kind of ritual in place and more frequent play as he really misses it (so do I for that matter). He is still considering what rituals he would like to put in place. He has started sending me emails on a daily basis with a task or two that he wants me to do in the email. I enjoy getting those daily emails from him as I have missed having specific tasks to do. I know what he expects on a daily basis, how he wants things done around the house and all of that, but it is still nice to get a specific task ordered. Sending those emails can be considered a ritual of sorts and it seems to be something he likes to do as well.

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day about how relationships change over time, even bdsm based relationships. She was telling me how in the early years of a relationship it is not unsual for the s-type to want to do all the household chores them selves, but as time goes on that may change. For me, I have wanted to do all the household chores myself because I do not work and master does, so I felt that taking care of the house is my job. Sadly due to my physical limitations, it is not always possible for me to do all the household chores. I'm not supposed to move furniture around for example, so when it is time to vacuum under the couch either master or someone else has to move the couch for me. Because of this I had to adjust my preferences to meet my reality early on. This was not easy for me to do and even now I have days where I feel that I am not pulling my weight. Those days always coincide with increased pain that results in decreased mobility. Master is very understanding of my feelings in this area (and most other areas as well).

Anyway as my friend and I were talking the idea of a family as a "team" came up. The point was made that even in a family where the parents have a power exchange based relationship, they are still a team and as such, each party can and should pitch in when needed. I have to agree with this statement. Service based s-type or not, master and I are married and we have children. We are also human. Because of those things there are times where we have to step up and pitch in regardless of the power disparity between us. I do not see this as detracting from my submission or his dominance. I see this as simply the day to day give and take that must occur in any long term relationship if it is to survive.

Separating out power, clarifying who is responsible for what duties, and setting limits on the relationship/behaviors/etc are all part and parcel of a bdsm relationship. But any relationship has to be fluid, there has to be give and take. This also applies in a bdsm relationship. Even with the clearly defined roles and responsibilities of a bdsm relationship, there has to be leeway for the very basic human nature of the people involved.

To me, who does the dishes after dinner does not reflect upon who has more power in the relationship. I think it reflects more upon how master and I care for and love each other that we are both willing to do things that are not typically part of our "role" for the benefit of our family and our relationship as a whole. I think this fluidness is often overlooked when people discuss bdsm parameters with a prospective partner, specially with novices. Many people seem to see the division of power as a way to clearly define who does what in the relationship and that those delineations should erase any need for compromise; so long as the s-type does their part and the d-type does their part then everything will be fine. Sadly no human relationship can be that easily defined all the time. Situations, emotions, needs, wants, desires and abilities all change over time. If the people involved are not willing to change when necessary to meet the needs of those changes when they occur, then I believe the relationship will have great difficulty.

I have decided to write my tasks down in my blog, hopefully on a daily basis. I miss writing in my journal so I am going to try to blog every day, though if something really personal arises that I do not feel comfortable putting on the internet it will go in my paper journal not online. I'm hoping that by doing this I will once again pick up my writing and start working on the many essays I have outlined in my notebooks. I am also hoping that this will help me start working again on my web site as I have fallen woefully behind on it.

Today's tasks:
Laundry
Grocery List
Balance Checkbook
Pay End of Month Bills/Budget
Clean Bedroom
Go to the doctor for follow up appointment
Shower and shave
Stitch for at least 1 hour
Work on writings

BDSM as a religion?

"Mainly what we are trying to show is that this is not a religion or religious practice, therefor we are not the atheist we have been accused of being for not believing or practicing BDSM.. "

Personally I am unclear as to how they got the idea that someone thinks bdsm is a religion, but so be it. Other statements were made to the effect that bdsm is not part of any religion out there, nor are power exchanges.

I do not see bdsm as a religion. However, I do understand how one can reconcile their religious beliefs and their desire for a power exchange relationship. Most often these quotes from the bible are used in this manner:

Ephesians 5:22-24
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Colossians 3:18Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord

1 Peter 3:1-6In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands, even those who refuse to accept the Good News. Your godly lives will speak to them better than any words. They will be won overYour beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight . That is the way the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, when she called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.

Also, Southern Baptists adopted a declaration back in 1998 which stated that a wife must submit to her husband in all things. This declaration used the same quotes above as proof for this. http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9F02EED8123AF933A25755C0A96E958260

I believe that the reason this whole topic was raised (and thrown in my face) was because one person repeated that the Southern Baptists had made such a declaration and that it makes those relationships very similar (if not the same) as power exchange ones (domination/submission or master/slave).

I do not see how bdsm in and of itself can be termed a religion, but I do see how some people need to reconcile their religion to their chosen relationship style and those bible quotes (as well as the Southern Baptist declaration) makes such reconciliation easy.

"See Exhibit B052108_Exhibit_B_RoseSpeaks.pd fandhttp://annanicoleandhowardkstern.com/051308_A... Rose says: May 16th, 2008 at 2:54 am BTW while I am venting here is McCabe saying he is NOT the head of his household so therefore my faith and beliefs that the husband is the head of the household makes me “porn”… ggggggeeeeeessssssshhhhh is McCabe upset because I follow my religious faith and beleive that God wants me to defer to my husband on certain things… WHY is my religious faith even at question here and are all of those women slamming me saying they are atheists or just that they would NEVER let their husband be the head of the house? Why don’t they put up or shut up… why don’t they answer… are all of the women the head of their households and they fear that some of us who still follow our religious beliefs should be destroyed for that… so is McCabe saying I must be hated because I am not an atheist but follow my God’s teachings??"

This is not saying that bdsm is a religion, it is saying that deferring to one's husband is part of the person's religious faith. The quotes from the bible above support this belief, as does the baptist declaration from 1998. These people twisted this post (which was not even on their forum in the first place, but an entirely different one) to say that Rose believes bdsm to be a religion. Sad how some people can't read English very well.

Is BDSM Domestic Violence?

The statements were made that bdsm relationships are domestic violence, abusive relationships. I disagree. Abusive relationships are not based on informed consent. The abuser does not discuss what he/she plans to do with their victim. Nor do they get permission of the victim to do those things. In BDSM the dominant partner does discuss their plans with the submissive partner and consent is given.

For more see:
http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/healingabuse.htm

http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/ravenbdsmabuse2.htm
http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/dakinidsandabuse.htm

Disability In BDSM

(Hopefully she wasn't abused, even willingly. We are seeing that most of these women are "Disabled" and it's not difficult to arrive at WHY. Very sad indeed.) This statement is basically saying that disability is a result of bdsm. This is so far from the truth as to be totally laughable.

I am disabled due to having given birth to a baby that was too large to pass through my pelvis easily and passing her caused extensive damage to my pelvis. Further I have degenerative disc disease which has affected two discs in my lower back resulting in bad discs and a great deal of nerve damage. Having my second child put further damage to my pelvis resulting in a fusion becoming necessary. The fusion failed leaving me with a permanent compound fracture of the left sacroiliac joint (part of the pelvis). This has had nothing at all to do with my lifestyle choices, engaging in bdsm play activities, or being a slave.

I know others in bdsm who are disabled due to diabetes complications, birth defects, auto accidents and surgical errors. I also know a large number of people who are not disabled at all yet are still involved in bdsm.

There is no proof that bdsm leaves people disabled or that disabled people are more drawn to bdsm than able bodied people. In fact, going solely by the numbers, I would have to say that the opposite is true (more able bodied people are involved in bdsm than disabled people).

Master/slave relationships and the myths around them

beca the slave said...
Great blog! i just started mine, would love to know what you think: http://becasstory.blogspot.com/
Thanks!
beca

I went to beca's blog and read it. She is also a slave in a master/slave relationship. Her blog is similar to mine in so much as she hopes it will help others understand m/s relationships. Thank you beca for sharing your blog with me, I greatly enjoyed it!! I pasted your comment into this post so that others will see your blog as well. I think its a great way to help people understand a master/slave relationship.

In reading beca's blog, I read the comments she has received. One of them included questions that are common myths that people are told and believe about slaves. Which got me to thinking about the article I wrote two weeks ago about such myths. So I decided it would be a good idea to post my articles in my blog, not just on the site. This way, those who read the blog, will see them. Specialy since I know that not everyone wants to be surfing through such a large web site. So here is that article.

Common Myths About BDSM Slaves and Slavery
Author: Raven Shadowborne © June 2005

This article is copyrighted to the stated author(s) and can not be reproduced, copied, reprinted, or posted without the consent of the author. It is used here with permission of the author..

Myths are often created by people who have one or two facts, or part of a fact, and then fill in the blanks themselves. Or myths are created as a source of amusement and entertainment by an author or reader. Myths can also be created simply by how a story changes when it is passed along verbally, as anyone who has ever played “post office” can attest to. Myths can also be created when one instance or experience becomes verbally generalized to make it apply to everyone.

Myths about bdsm are just as prevalent. The most common reason for a myth to form about bdsm is a lack of experience or knowledge on a specific topic. Rather than learning more before educating others, some people assume they know more than they do and inadvertently create a myth to fit or expand their knowledge. Others create myths to deter people from engaging in a bdsm activity that they find objectionable.

Many myths exist about slaves. Some of these myths are created due to fear, lack of knowledge or understanding, and in some cases as a deliberate choice to not learn the truth about slaves. People pass these myths along to others as factual information and perpetuate the cycle of intolerance and ignorance that surrounds slaves and slavery. This creates more myths, misunderstandings and miscommunications as time goes on.

The most common myths about slaves, in master/slave based bdsm relationships, which I have heard, are included in this article and followed by the truth (as I understand it) behind each myth. These truths are based on my experiences as a slave, and on many discussions I have held with other slaves in order to learn more.

Myth 1: Slaves are doormats who obey everyone and blindly become whatever their owner tells them they are because they have no sense of self and no thoughts of their own.

Truth: Doormat is a term often used to deride slaves. It means that a slave lets himself or herself be walked on and they have no thoughts or opinions of their own. For the majority of slaves, this is not true. Slaves have just as many thoughts and opinions as other people do. Owners take pride in having a slave who has well thought out opinions and who is capable of thinking for them selves. They can provide the owner with much needed input that the owner can use to make informed decisions and choices for both the slave and the relationship. Also, slaves who can think for them selves are more capable of handling responsibilities the owner gives them without needing constant supervision and they provide intelligent and challenging conversations with the owner. Many master / slave relationships have rules that govern how and when a slave can tell their owner of their thoughts, feelings and opinions. Despite the variations in this area, every relationship requires such input from the slave. Owners often value a slave who thinks for themselves and find such a slave to be more pleasing.Obedience is a requirement for a slave and is pleasing to an owner. However it is not true that a slave will obey anyone that comes along. Slaves must obey the rules and expectations of their owner to the best of their abilities. Sometimes this means submitting to and obeying another, but such is always done by order of the owner and not every owner will share their slave this way.
Being a slave does not erase individuality. Instead, it enhances it. Often slaves who are unowned must hide or exert a lot of control over their submissive and service based nature. Society does not approve of people who are submissive or people who are happiest when they serve another before themselves. The very nature of a master / slave relationship allows a slave the freedom to express every part of their personality and hide nothing. It encourages the slave to grow as both an individual and a slave. Every slave is different; with different likes, dislikes, wants, needs etc. A slave must have a good working knowledge of who they are and what their wants, needs, expectations etc. are. It is impossible for a person who does not know who and what they are to give those things over to the control of another because you can not give away what you do not have or know. A slave and their owner use this self awareness to help the slave grow and to make changes in the slave’s behavior and mental state. Often these changes are discussed before the slave submits by the prospective owner telling the slave their expectations of the slave (including behaviors they want and those they do not want). This allows the slave to decide if this is how they want to be, the relationship they want to be in, and gives them a chance to consent. These changes are beneficial to the slave, helping them to be more of the person they want to be and to be more pleasing to their owner. Master / slave relationships require the same kinds of compatibility as vanilla relationships with the addition of bdsm compatibility. In order to achieve this, the slave must know themselves well and have a strong belief in them selves.

Myth 2: Slaves are actually abuse victims who take any and every thing their owner dishes out.

Truth: It is true that abuse exists. It is also true that abuse exists in bdsm. Further it is true that many slaves have been abuse victims at some point in their lives. It is NOT true however, that all slaves in master / slave relationships are current victims of abuse. There are many differences between an abusive relationship and an m/s one. As well as differences between a slave and a victim of abuse. The most important difference between a victim and a slave is CONSENT. In an abusive relationship, the victim is not informed beforehand that their partner is going to abuse them. They do not discuss what kinds of abuse will be used or anything else along those lines. Therefore the victim gives no consent to the actions of the abuser. For slaves there are discussions of what will be expected, what kinds (if any) of b/d or s/m activities might or will take place, what the rules will be, how the owner will enforce these rules and so much more. All of these discussions are designed to give the slave the information they need to make an informed choice to consent or not consent. These discussions are also intended to prevent abuse through consent, determining compatibility, determining goals, informing each participant of any issues that could effect the relationship and more. The whole point is to learn if a relationship between those specific people will be a healthy and fulfilling one for them.
It is true that once a collar is accepted a slave is then expected to accept whatever the owner chooses to do. However, this is directly impacted by the numerous discussions before the collar and the continued communication that takes place after the collar. In a dominant/submissive relationship, the submissive is allowed (and expected) to set limits on what the dominant can or can’t do. This is not true for most slaves. However, it is expected for the slave to inform their owner of any condition or situation that effects how they will receive and respond to the owner’s actions. But the final decision of what actions to take or not to take, is up to the owner. A slave should be sure they fully understand and can accept what the owner will (or might) do, and what the owner is capable of BEFORE a collar is placed. Any limits are set by the owner, so it is imperative that a slave submit to an owner whose limits closely (or exactly) match their own. In this way, the owner’s limits extend to the slave and the slave does not have to set the limits themselves (yes it is a tiny distinction, but an important one). Some m/s relationships use contracts to spell out what is expected by each person, what is or is not accepted and more. These contracts often include guidelines for the slave to follow if they want release or if the owner starts to do unsafe things. Some areas can be compromised on, if the owner is willing to do so. (Some owners are not willing to compromise.) Things like clothing choices, toy preferences, types of play that need to be worked up to/introduced slowly and similar things can be compromised on. Other things such as sexual preferences, monogamy, polygamy and anything else that is a true NEED for the person, should not be compromised on as doing so usually leads to a bad ending.

Myth 3: Slaves can not take care of themselves and want an owner because they believe having one will solve all of their problems and the owner will take care of everything for them.

Truth: Unfortunately I can not say that this is completely false because there are people out there who are exactly this way and believe having an owner will fix everything. I can say that this is most commonly seen in people who are very new to bdsm, with little or no experience and is not found in just m/s relationships but in d/s ones as well. It is also known in purely vanilla relationships as the Knight In Shining Armor Syndrome. It is also true that people who are like this are the minority, not the majority. The truth of the matter is, this just does not work and is untrue for the vast majority of slaves as an m/s relationship is not a co-dependent one..Slaves must be capable people. First and foremost they must be able to take care of themselves. A person cannot take care of someone else unless they can care for themselves first. Many slaves have a lot of responsibilities. Some are required to do budgets, take care of the house, and/or assist their owners with a small business. Some have less complicated responsibilities, but regardless of what the specific responsibilities are the basic fact remains the same. The slave is expected and required to fulfill those responsibilities to their owner’s satisfaction. In some cases, slaves are required to take classes and learn how to do something their owner wants them to do. The slave’s goal is to please their owner. To be able to meet that goal, a slave has to be able to take care of themselves to ensure they will be able to take care of their owner and their responsibilities.An m/s relationship does make some things easier. For example, the division of power is very clear resulting in fewer power struggles (with a preference that there are none at all). This is easier than a vanilla relationship where power struggles are more frequent over such things as “Whose money is it?”, “who takes out the trash?” and other subjects that are clouded by the expectation of full equality. Having an owner does fix some things such as the desire to serve. An owner gives the slave someone to serve, thus satisfying this need and “fixing” any confusion or need to suppress it. However, other issues such as low self esteem, depression and similar issues, cannot be fixed by an m/s relationship and in many cases an m/s relationship will worsen those issues. Being owned is not a solution to life’s problems and issues. It is a relationship and thus adds issues of its own to whatever issues already exist in a person’s life.

Myth 4: Slaves are stupid and incapable of identifying their own wants/needs

Truth: It cannot be said that all slaves have a superior intellect, nor can it be said (truthfully) that all slaves are stupid. Logically speaking since both kinds of human intelligence exist, the same variations are found in slaves. However, less intelligent slaves have been rare in my experiences. I have seen slaves pretending to be stupid due to some mistaken belief that it makes them a better slave. This is not true. Often, these are people who are new to bdsm and master/slave with little experience. Slaves must be intelligent because they are often relied upon to handle many of life’s day-to-day aspects and to do so without constant supervision and directions. This requires problem-solving skills and extensive knowledge of how their owner prefers things to be. Slaves also need strong observation skills so they can learn what pleases their owner without them having to explain every tiny detail. Slaves are expected to learn quickly and to put their knowledge into practice on a consistent basis. Intelligence is required for these things and more. A slave’s intelligence coupled with their strengths, individuality and self-reliance direct effects their ability to identify their own wants and needs and to separate them properly. Speaking on an basic level, people only need those things that sustain life (food, clothing, shelter and intellectual stimulation), and everything else is a want. A slave must be able to tell the difference between things they truly need and things they want. This can be very hard to do, but with practice can be done. Someone with little intelligence, minimal self-awareness, and a lack of mental or emotional strength has a very hard time differentiating between the two. A slave who sees everything as an urgent need quickly frustrates their owner. This puts the slave’s focus on them selves over their owner and m/s will not work that way. Slaves are expected to inform their owner when a need arises and many also like to be aware of a slave’s wants as well. Most owners want to meet their slave’s needs because they know that needs must be met in order to kept he slave at their best. Many will try to meet a slave’s wants as well, often as a reward or because they love the slave or any other number of reasons. Owners are not mind readers, so it is up to the slave to be able to recognize wants vs. needs and inform their owner.

Myth 5: Slaves are weak.

Truth: Weak human beings exist, so I am sure there are weak slaves somewhere. (Weak is being used here to mean mental/emotional weakness, not physical strength) However, such weakness is the exception rather than the norm for slaves. Slaves are strong individuals and have to be so for many reasons:

1. They must overcome society’s (and probably their upbringing) ideas of a “good relationship”
2. They must have insight into and a good working knowledge of them selves. Weak people are unable to have these as they lack the strength to take such a deep look at themselves and usually have low self esteem and a skewed self-image
3. Slaves have to reveal all of the knowledge this insight gives them to their owners. It takes a great deal of courage and mental fortitude to share these inner things with another.
4. They have to have the self-control needed to live up to their end of the bargain as a slave. This takes strength, especially when they aren’t in the mood or don’t like a task given them. At these times they must rely upon their strength to complete these tasks and to behave in the manner they agreed to upon submitting to their owner.
5. Giving complete control of one’s self to another is scary and very difficult to do. Our culture does not teach people how to do this and it is not easy to do. Doing this places the slave in a very vulnerable position (physically, mentally and emotionally vulnerable). It takes strength to give this control and to maintain submission.
6. Slaves have to maintain all they currently are, and continue to grow as a slave, partner, lover, friend and every other role/title used to describe a person. Someone who is mentally or emotionally weak, can not grow because they lack the strength needed to identify areas that can be improved and to learn from their experiences.

All of these things take courage, strength and commitment to accomplish. A weak person would not be successful with this over time. Slaves do have weaknesses or bad habits, they have moments of fears, confusions, doubts etc., and they get tired, same as all people do. Slaves have these moments because they are people not because they are slaves. It is very common for others to blame slavery as the cause for those moments or times in a person’s life, when the true culprit is life itself and the fact that we’re human beings. The inner strength of a slave shows best during these times because it is that inner strength that makes it possible for them to continue being a slave during those down times.
Myth 6: Slaves are all the same and have (or are not allowed) no interests outside of their owner.
Truth: This myth is one that is often used to put down slaves. They are called robots, Stepford slaves or cookie cutter slaves. Despite the many similarities between slaves, once you get beyond these surface similarities differences become apparent. Slaves are human beings and as such there are just as many variations in personality, interests, behaviors, etc. in a group of slaves as there are in other group of people. On top of these human variations, slaves vary in bdsm areas as well. For example: The desire to please others is a similarity between slaves. However, the intensity, reason behind it, and expression of this desire differs from one slave to another. The same can be said for most, if not all, of the personality traits found in slaves. It is these variations that make each slave different. They also make which relationship type and owner that works for them, different. If slaves were all the same, there would be no need for compatibility discussions or any of the other things that are done before a commitment is made. Any slave would do for any owner. It is these very differences that make a slave right for one owner and wrong for another, and make growth possible. As for interests outside of one’s owner’s interests (such as hobbies, studies, friends etc.) every slave has them. Again, this is because slaves are people, not just slaves, so they have the same variety of interests as any group of people does. Most experienced owners encourage their slaves to continue with their interests and hobbies. For the owner, these things were most likely part of the attraction they have for that particular slave. Most owners want their slaves to be all of who they are and to enjoy their lives and they know that to do these things, the slave must have interests and such outside of slavery and bdsm so the owner encourages those interests and activities. If however, a slave’s interests or hobbies (and even friends) are detrimental to the slave, the owner might choose to make the slave stop or at the very least cut back on them. It is also not uncommon for a slave and their owner to learn more about any hobby or interest that they do not have in common so as to grow closer together. Also, people sometimes just need a break (especially during periods of stress) and a hobby can provide stress relief and the very break the person needs. Experienced owners know this as well and allow (even encourage) their slave to take such breaks.
These are the most common myths about slaves and slavery that I have seen or heard in my experiences so far. As one can see, these myths are often based on misunderstanding and/or a lack of knowledge or experience. These myths can cause a lot of harm sometimes if people believe them and then base their behavior in their relationship on them. These myths have often been used to insult, belittle or otherwise hurt a slave (even to a point of causing mental/emotional harm). Most often I have this done by people who are not slaves yet are somehow insecure or otherwise bothered by slaves, so they put them down. A master/slave relationship, when entered into with full knowledge before hand, can be a very healthy and happy relationship for those involved.
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I do hope that this particular essay helps those who read this blog to understand some of the realities of a master/slave relationship, and that it helps shed light on the many myths and misunderstandings that exist about these relationships.