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Tuesday, October 31, 2000

It's always intersting to me how debating things with other people often causes me to write new articles. I think it happens partly because I get forced to look at something from a different point of view, and doing so makes the particular subject appear differently. Thus, new articles are born.

Today is a rather painful day for me. My back is letting me know just how unhappy it is with me for the walk yesterday. We walked to the grocery store (about a mile) with the 4 yr old to buy milk and stuff. When I woke up this morning, I almost cried out beacuse of how much my lower back and left leg were hurting. When I limbered up, the pain dropped a little, but it's still pretty high. I do not regret taking the walk, and I realize some of the pain is caused by my muscles not being very strong anymore. So I will probably walk again tomorrow, just not as far. I probably shouldn't do it today because I'm already hurting alot and master has rules about me pushing myself too much. And I'm pretty sure he would consider my walking today as pushing it. I do not wish to be punished so I won't push it.

Kyle, the 4 yr old, seems to be in a decent mood today. A bit whiny, but nothing major. For the most part he is listening to me and arella quite well. I think what might have been bothering him is that the house guests left. He doesn't handle things well when someone he has gotten used to, goes out and doesn't come back. He gets very hyper, cranky, and stuff when his routine that he is so used to, changes some how. His sister is the same way (his dad's daughter by his first wife). With the fact that he is calming down now, I think that this is why he was acting out a bit. The major clues came from his reaction to master leaving for work, the older kids going to school, and if Jeff went to work or the store. kyle would cry and act like they were never coming back, and even try to follow them by running out of the house. It took me a few days to see this, so I guess I'm not as observant as I like to think that I am. But, that's ok, at least it came to me at some point.

this morning, I downloaded my email to find that someone had done something that completely and totally pissed me off, plus hurt my feelings. One of my private emails to someone showed up on a public mailing list. Which is against that list's rules. But not only that, it had nothing to do with the current happenings on that list, and thus had no bearing on them. I was so angry by this. And this person had the nerve to accuse me of harassing them. When I don't think I did. I responded,on the list, from an area in myself that I do not like communicating from, the angry area. But I could not help it. I felt that I should be able to not only defend myself on the list since the accusation was placed on the list, but also let it be known exactly what occured in those private emails. The response thus far has been supportive, but I'm pretty sure I will get a few flames for it. No problem, I think I can handle it.

I know I probably shouldn't get this upset over the emails that I've gotten in the past couple of days, but I can't really help it. Though, I have gotten better, my upset no longer lasts for hours or days, it lasts for a short time and then it's gone. The anger goes away. So far, the longest I've stayed pissed in this whole argument thing is 2 hours, whereas 2 years ago such an occurance would piss me off for days. So I guess I have managed to put some space between myself and the people on line. However, there are still many people online who I do not put that space in the friendship I have with them. But those are people that I have known for a while and that I have come to like, and not just because they're into BDSM but because from what I've seen of them as people, I consider them to be good people.

Ahh well..I really should get offline for a while. Later:
things to smile about: sunshine, colorful butterfiles, bumble bees drinking at tiny purple flowers, a gentle breeze, life itself

Monday, October 30, 2000

Tolerance

I found myself embroiled in an argument that basically boils down to the right for people to choose for themselves how their relationship will work, and the whole issue of tolerating relationships that are different from my own. I don't see it as "wrong" to to practice what I preach. I refuse to blackball someone based solely on the borders of their bdsm relationship. And I know for a fact that extreme master / slave relationships do exist, and the people involved are not only happy with them, but flourish within those relationships. Love, romantic love, is not part of those relationships. the slave literally has no rights except whatever rights the master gives them. the master has control of every little thing about the slave, whether or not he chooses to use that control. This, to me,it TOTAL power exchange. Complete. no ifs and or buts. no weasling out of stuff, no wishy washiness. To them it is the ideal relationship, perfect for them. What right do I have to deny them this, something I have seen for myself to be not only real, but very much a caring relationship, though harsh? Am I supposed to tell someone who is more absolute than I am, more extreme than I am, that just because *I* can't live that kind of relationship it is compeltely wrong, they're insane, and to not discuss anything on my list? I am not god, nor do I even pretend to be. I am not some all knowing anything. I am not a mental health professional, so have no right to say that someone else is a sociopath or anything else. I run a discussion list, and I describe it as an open forum for the discussion of the many variances of BDSM. To me the master/slave relationship is just another variance of bdsm. Why is it that by refusing to kick someone off my list who practices this lifestyle choice, I am unsafe, advocating abusive people, not taking the opinions of people I respect (when in fact I am), and worse? I just don't understand it. I have had my integrity, honesty, dignity, morals and scrupals questioned in the last couple of days. All beacuse I defended the right of someone who is controversial to others and different from the mainstream PC View of BDSM to not only exist on my list, but to post on my list as well. And defended the person's right to have his own view of the lifestyle and exercise it. Well, so be it. I will accept it because I do not think I was wrong in doing so. I am however greatly saddened by this whole thing because the ones screaming at me that I am wrong, were the same ones I was defending last week because play they enjoy was being judged as abusive by someone else. Why is it ok for me to defend them, but not defend someone they do not agree with? Then to accuse me of playing favorites? well, I guess I did in a way. I defended someone I knew for a while, rather than remove this person from my list on the demands of people I had only known for a few weeks and had spoken to for about one hour total. (adding all the time up over the past three weeks).

My views on BDSM.

Submission is not submission if the sub can tell their dominant no, or if the sub has the right at any given time to refuse an order from their dom. Submission is incomplete if the sub maintains control over any facet of their life, but this is acceptable if the relationships accepts such limits. SUbmission is not submission if the sub tells the dominant what he can or can't do. A safe word is a form of control for the submissive and as such, I don't want one. SSC is all fine and dandy as a general guideline, but is not of any real value because the definitions of the terms are far to subjective. BDSM should not need to be "softened" to make it more acceptable to society as a whole. Edge play is fun and I enjoy it. A master/slave relationship can exist. When I submit, my master owns me, mind, heart and body. It is up to him what happens to me from day to day, and yes that means he could kill me if he so chose. Which is why I was damn fucking careful in submitting to him, I did not pick someone who might actually kill me. The point is he can do it if he chose to, he has full control of my life. Submission is not something I play at on weekends, it is who and what I am all the time, no matter what I am doing at that time.I am a sub, I always have been. My focus in life, more often than not, is to make someone else happy. I do not require s/m to be happy as a submissive. I enjoy pain play but that is my sexual orientation, not my inherent personality. Domination is abuse when it totally destroys the personality of the submissive involved and is mishandled so as to control the sub through fear, not respect and trust. I could not live a master/slave relationship where romantic love is not part of it, however, I do believe such relationships can exist and can flourish. I have lived one for a while, but learned the hard way that I need the romantic stuff in addition to the control stuff to be happiest and my most fulfilled. But this does not mean that others can't be happy in relationships which are based solely on the balance of power and not on emotional love.

I honestly believe that the reason most people freak out by someone who believes some of what I've written above is fear plain and simple. Just fear. They fear it because it is foreign to them. Thus, they have to denounce it rather than face the fact that yes indeed, there are people who do not need "love' something they think is so damned important. Human beings tend to destroy things that they fear if denouncing it and lying about it can't destroy it, then they will kill it physically. In the cyber medium killing it isn't a real option so they settle for denouncing it and labeling it as "unsafe" and "abusive".

Abuse in BDSM
Any relationship where there is a shifting of control to one person can be used for abuse. Any and every single one. A power exchange relationships puts the majority of the control in someone else's hands. Be it just part of the control, or all of it. Any of those situations can be used in an abusive manner. Not just the extreme master/slave relationship, but a d/s relationship in which the sub still has some control over the relationship, and even the occasional play partner arrangement can be used abusively. Anyone who holds the majority of power over someone else can do abusive things with that power. It is not something that exists more in one relationship type or another. It exists and can be found in any relationship, bdsm or vanilla. Personally, I despise it when someone throws out the argument of a certain relationship type can be manipulated to abuse because the power dynamic is more "total" than thiers. I think they do it because they fear that level of power relinquishment and rather than accept that others can be different, they must denounce it so as not to have to face their own perceived inadequacies. Master/slave relationships are no less prone to abuse than a standard vanilla relationship, or even a vanilla relationship that is set up to be exactly a 50/50 split of power.

Well..I'm done ranting for now.
being a step parent has to be one of the most difficult things in this world. Always wind up feeling inadequate to the step children, and like you have encroached on their territory and do not belong there. I do not know how people can get beyond these feelings.I've talked with many step parents and they never discussed these things with me. So it's all new to me, maybe it's because the children are older in this case, and thus they were more firmly rooted in their routine. my arrival threw that entire routine into total chaos. what they were used to, has changed to include my routines beacuse the house is mostly my territory. master leaves the running of the house to me, thus mealtimes have changed, the meals themselves are different from before me, rules have changed and stuff like that. I can see the kids' points of views, but it still hurts me. I try, and alot of the time I feel like I failed miserably. Ah well, it is all rather new still so maybe it just needs more time to settle in. We'll see.

Sunday, October 29, 2000

Today has been a rather quiet day. Spent mostof it folding laundry, straightening out the bedroom, and trying to get a good hold on my pain level. Master requested that I take every dose of my medication today,doubling the first one, so that I bring the pain level under control and hopefully stop it from being as high as it has been the last few days. I had to agree that stopping the pain cycle in it's tracks was probably the only way to bring it back under control. Especially since we played heavily last night. Between the crop, floggers, hair brush and his hands, I not only floated but I reached that place where pain causes orgasms for me and almost nothing really hurts, instead the pain just sends me higher and higher. He seemed to really enjoy watching my reaction, and I just know that I got totaly lost. I know at some point he was striking between my bottom cheeks with the crop, and rather than it feeling horrible, it felt great. I really needed to zone out for a while, it is a great stress reliever. And to me,it is completely worth the pain in my back the next day :))

after we played a while, arella came into the bedroom. She said that she was sorry for snapping all day long. I was amazed because she hadn't snapped, least not that I noticed, and I told her so. She said she was feeling sad. I can understand that. I told her basically everyone has sad days once in a while, she seemed relieved to know she didn't go nuts on people. We started bratting Master a bit. mouthing off and cracking jokes,he was laughing so I figured he was enjoying it. He did eventually start fighting back and we ended up in a wrestling match, that ended with arella and I both being spanked. But the spankings were mostly for pleasure, with a spot of "naughty girl" in them. Except for mine, the beginning was pure punishment for lifting a bucket that weighs 30 pounds. I have a weight limit nothing over 10 pounds (my son not included). I had been feeling quite guilty about it, so I guess my mentioning it to master while he was spanking arella was partly a desire to get the punishment over with, purge the guilt and thus move on.

I was not the least bit upset watching master spank arella. I was fascinated by her reactions and stuff. Plus, I could see her begin to relax, and that made me smile. With arella, I don't mind sharing anything. It's nice to feel that much trust with another person. I really like it. Her and I just get along so well. Interestingly enough, she found it rather interesting to watch me get spanked as well. I wonder if we both have some voyueristic qualities? we could. Ya never know.

Well..time to go and head the discussion tonight. More later if I have time.

Saturday, October 28, 2000

I didn't post anything yesterday because I just couldn't figure my thoughts out enough to post and I was tired. Yesterday was an interesting day overall, but I ended the day feeling rather sad and a bit cranky. I wasn't sure if what I was upset about was legitimate or not, so rather than start a fight without meaning to, I stayed pretty quiet. I was still in alot of pain, and am today as well. But I am really wanting to play tonight. I enjoy playing with master and he's been whispering about wanting to spank me, tie to the bed, and stuff like that off and on for two days. Talk about anticipation!

I'm working on a new article about rituals. I got an idea for it from a book I finished reading today that talks about rituals that exist in everyday life, even though people don't see them that way. It got me to thinking about BDSM rituals and what acts in bdsm could be considered rituals, even if most people don't see them that way. I was pleasantly surprised to find that there are a bunch of different things that occur frequently in a bdsm relationship that fits the bill of what makes something a ritual. This is besides any rituals that were clearly set forth as such by the dominant involved. Rituals are designed to meet a specific purpose mentally or emotionally. Such things as rituals of penance, forgiveness, reawakening/revival, and communion. All of which do exist in BDSM from a certain point of view. Certainly made for some very interesting thinking anyway. And the article, though still in a rough draft format, is written. Now I have to clean it up, fine tune it and then I'll put it on the site. Though, I might hold onto it for the next issue of Crystal Bridge ezine. Maybe not. I'll decide that when I do completely finish it. In the middle of writing it,I got interrupted. This of course caused me to lose my train of thought, and I couldn't get it back. I stumbled forward anyway, and finished the article, but I have this feeling that I missed a major point I had wanted to make. I'm hoping it will come back to me during the re-writes.

I am going to go and work on the logs of the past two discussions and get them up on the web site. I am going to try and use the new program Deam Weaver to do this, here's hoping it goes ok. I'll try to blog later. I am feeling the need to write today so I should be able to think of stuff to come up with, but I may not get the chance if master does start playing with me tonight.

Friday, October 27, 2000

I can't sleep. My back is killing me from snapping the joint when I jumped off the porch chasing the escape artist I have for a son. And my mind won't stop turning in circles. So I figured I'd come and type some thoughts out, see if I can't get it to stop so I can fall asleep.

I've been thinking about how people interact with each other. arella and I have talked a few times in the past few days about how people can compliment each other. Like one person tends to be rather calm behavior wise, even when they are very angry, and others tend to react out of their emotions more often. This went on to include how people's talents can often compliment each other as well. Like one cooks certain foods better than the other one, so between the two they can cook a wide variety of very tasty meals. This caused me to think about how often people take for granted the way they mesh or don't mesh with others around them. Two people who get along, and compliment each other in many ways thus two peices that make a whole, will often overlook this fact. Take it for granted, and not realize the importance of acknowleding this interaction to each other. How easy it is to fall into the rut of "they'll always be there" and thus they don't need to be told how important they are to you, how you enjoy their company and how you appreciate the things that they do. It's just taken as a matter of course. no big deal. But I think to some extent it is a big deal, everyone likes to hear they are appreciated and their loved ones do notice the things that they do for them. I don't mean constantly shower someone with praise or convoluted compliments, but once in a while saying "I love the way you listen to me when I really need to talk" or "I love the way you talk to me when you need someone to talk to" or whatever the case may be. I know that I like hearing once in a while, that my actions are noticed and appreciated.

This of course, wandered into BDSM territory. Got me to thinking about how a dominant and a submissive personality are complimentary to each other, even though they are opposite of one another. How each one can exist without the other, but can't "live" without the other. One can be a dominant or a submissive by themselves, but they can't be dominating or submitting without the other half. The ying and the yang so to speak. A submissive gives of themselves, the dominant takes and uses what the sub gives, thus making the sub give more, and round and round it goes. A truly complimentary relationship, a blending of personalities that affects the people on so many different levels. For one to enter complete submission, they must have a dominant to submit to.

But then I started thinking about those who engage in play partner relationships only. They still have the ying and the yang, the give and take, but it's more localized and only in one area (as far as BDSM goes), that of physical sensation. It isn't domination and submission on the mental level. The giving over of one's will to another. It is just the physical submitting of one's body for pain play. Sure that pain play gives each person their own thrills that can't get without the other half (a top and bottom or a sadist and a masochist). Again, one can be any of those things by themselves, but still requires their other half to get the thrills/sensations/whatever out of the interaction. I wonder then do those who are in play only relationships have to mesh on any levels outside of play? I mean, do they have to be compatible or compliment each other in areas of intelligence, cooking, child rearing, religion, morality, and or whatever? Are those levels of complimentary interaction neccessary to that kind of relationship? are those levels of interaction neccessary for any relationship at all? Very intersting thoughts. I like to think that even the people who are involved in BDSM solely for play sessions, not a 24/7 relationship, find partners to play with who they can also get along with very well outside of the scene. But that could be my rose colored glasses again. I know that some people are perfectly capable of having sexual one night stands, and there are those who are capable of having the bdsm one night stand/session. But I would think if there was something, even just a friendship, outside of the sessions, the relationship would be more fulfilling on a whole.

Then I got to really thinking of the give and take in a power exchange relationship. Some like to describe it as all one sided. the sub gives, the dom takes and that's it. But it isn't really. the sub gives, the dom takes and uses what the sub gives. By using the control the sub has given him, the dom is returning something to the submissive. Domination. this return of domination (usage) thus inspires the submissive to give more. this continues until eventually the submissive is giving everything they can, and the dominant is using that control in every way they can. This affects how they feel about one another, how they interact outside of a scene, how they think, how they communicate and everything else. That d/s undertone is then present in everything they do with one another, whether it is blatantly obvious or not, it is there. Each knows who is what in the relationship, and each knows what their "role" then is. And this give and take can reach a point where it is done instinctively and no longer requries a deep amount of thought. Does this then remove the need for intimacy outside of sex and play? I don't think so, but it seems that sometimes the intimacy gets lost. I think that might have something to do with the "taking things for granted" part of long term relationships. So then, should people try to be more appreciative and verbal of those gives and takes? Or is it best to just assume that each one will always give and take what they have always done until now? Is such a return neccessary from a dominant? Personally, I think so. Giving such a return is not demeaning, nor does it lessen one's domination. I think it solidifies it more beacuse if the submissive feels appreciated they will try even harder to please the dom. This doesn't mean the dom has to gush all over the sub. But a few little words every now and then can go a long way towards keeping that give and take alive and growing, instead of leaving it to be stale.
well I'm starting to repeat myself and my mind finally calmed down. so I'm going to stop for the night.

Thursday, October 26, 2000

Well the house guests from hell are gone. And I am so glad!! I went into the tv room and cleaned it with arella and Jeff's help. It was absolutely disgusting. I mean, food, dirty clothes, medication (out of the bottles,single pills) and all kinds of other stuff just laying around. The room stank so badly of body odor I had to use febreeze on the carpets too! I was absolutely disgusted. But it really bothered me that they just left pills laying around everywhere. I found over 10 advil tablets, 6 pills that looked like excedrin a few tylenol a bunch of advil cold/sinus tablets and a couple small white pills I don't know what they are. My son is 4 years old. He could have easily picked those pills up, swalloed them, and gotten very sick and/or died. This total lack of responsibility for themselves and the people around them just pissed me off to no end. I am glad they are finally gone. When I told Master what I had found cleaning the room on the telephone when he called me, he told me to tell them he said they have to leave. I was so grateful. It has been pretty difficult to live with these people. Extremely selfish people. Never a thank you for anything we did, not the food, not the cigarettes, not the roof over their heads. nothing. Then there came the lies about looking for a job, I found a few employment applications that we were told they had turned in, still in the tv room, filled out signed and dated from August through late September. I am just so relieved they are gone!!!!

My son tried to chase the car when Jeff left the house to go to the store. All I saw out the window was the car backing up at an angle (to turn left out of the driveway) and the side of the car coming at my son. I took off running at top speed!! I jumped down the three steps off the small porch and ran full tilt across the yard to grab him. Something in my pelvis went #SNAP# when I landed after the jump and I've been in a great deal of pain since then. My son is fine, but I did spank his butt for doing that! I was so scared that he was going to get hurt!!

I'm feeling very tired tonight. Very worn out. I think it's partly because I had to take the middle of the afternoon pain pill that I can usually skip. So I think it's just making me drowsy. Of course, when it first started working and I got a bit fuzzy is when my daughter called me and said she needed a ride home from school beacuse she couldn't take the cheesecakes from the fundraiser on the school bus. I was in pain, and fuzzy headed, but I drove to pick her up anyway. I brought arella along as a second pair of eyes to help me make sure I saw everything I needed to see from behind the wheel. I did not get into an accident or anything, and I did very well. I didn't feel "unsafe" until we got back on Cherry street which is 3 blocks from the house. Then I felt I was no longer safe driving and slowed down considerably so I could make sure if something jumped in front of the car (an animal,kid chasing a ball or something) that I could stop in time.

Last night, I sat at Master's feet and watched wrestling with him. I actually enjoyed watching it. Some of it was outright hilarious!! Some of it was rather boring. But the reason I enjoyed it so much was because of where I was sitting. I like being at his feet. It feels right and very warm. Later on, when he was checking his email and reading over pages on the humor section of the LnR site I knelt beside his chair resting my head on his shoulder and my arms on his lap. I really enjoyed that as well. I loved being on my knees beside him. Just as I loved it the night we played and I was on my knees for most of it. A very submissive position and it affects me mentally, I feel more submissive and very calm inside. Somehow, it soothes me, and other things just don't bother me at that time. I wonder if it would work to help cool off an angry mood or something? Interesting thought. I'm not sure if it would soothe my anger, or make it worse. I might have to try it sometime. After that I was in the bedroom and stubbed my toe . I said something about how being a masochist, maybe I enjoyed stubbing my toe to arella. I was just goofing off. She jokingly told Master I needed some help and he proceeded to grab me when I left the bedroom, lead me back into the bedroom and pull me over his lap, lifted my skirt and spanked me. arella was in the room for some of it. Having her there did not bother me, though I was concerned that it might upset her. Once he started spanking meand I knew it was for pleasure not punishment, I relaxed and just enjoyed it. At times like that I don't think it would bother me if my mother walked in because I am only aware of Master and nothing else matters. This of course caused me to think of poly and whether or not Master playing with and/or making love to arella would bother me. I was quite pleased with myself to realize that it wouldn't. I think it's beacuse I am such a close friend with arella and I feel safe with her. As well, I think it's because I am secure in my relationship with Master more often than not. I don't have to worry that he will replace me, because he doesn't treat me like something is wrong with me when my back acts up. He doesn't, in any way shape or form,make me feel undeserving of him or our relationship. I guess that security is helpful to me. And I know that I am glad to feel it.
Well that's about all I can think of for now. Night :)

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

This morning seems to be going much better than yesterday in regards to my son. He is alot calmer today. I don't know why he was so hyper yesterday. Sometimes he gets like that when he isn't feeling well. But I can't be sure because usually when it's illness caused hyperactivity, he doesn't eat either, but he ate alot yesterday. I guess it could just have been a 4 yr old's "bad hair day" type of thing.

Interesting and exasperating conversation in channel last night on whether or not a submissive can submit without a counter balancing dominant. I tried so hard not to get frustrated and/or exasperated when the conversation started going in circles and pulling in three or four different topics, and then had my original opinion agreed with from the get go, after 30 minutes of having it picked apart. I did not succeed in keeping my cool. That bothers me. I try so hard to keep my cool, and I still lose it more often than I want to. I did not scream and yell, call anyone names or anything else, but I did get upset. One good thing, however, is I did not stay upset for long. Maybe 20 minutes and mostly because I couldn't understand why the discussion became an argument when the opinions were actually agreeing with one another. Why purposely disagree with someone's opinion when you hold the same opinion? It's like starting a fight for the hell of it, something that I've never really understood, though i do realize that people do this anyway. I can't exclude myself either, I've been known to start a fight with someone just because i was in a bad mood or what have you. Though, that is something I don't do as often as I used to 5 or so years ago. So I went and read the person's blogs. Now I at least understand where the topic came from. I wasn't really angry with the person who started the discussion, more with the way the discussion went. Plus, I got angry with myself for becoming frustrated so I got offline before I could lost complete self control and do/say something I would severely regret later. This person is someone I have not known for very long, but so far I have found the person to be interesting, intelligent, capable of in depth conversation, and respectful, in short, I like the person. When I realized I had reached my personal limits of frustration, I left. I do however feel that I should apologize to this person for losing control to frustration and will do so as soon as I see that person again, hopefully tonight.


I tend to define submission as including both mental/emotional aspects and physical aspects. To me, even if a person bottoms (which is engaging in pain play for the physical sensations) that person is still submitting physically. They may or may not have the mental and emotional submission going on, nor is it complete submission, but they do still submit their body to the whipping (caning, spanking, whatever) that the Top wishes to impart on them. Because of that, I think it is a form of submission, but not complete submission. Complete submission is more than just giving someone the right to order your physical actions, but it also contains bending your will to theirs. Doing what they want you to do, or letting them do what they wish to do to you whether itis something you enjoy or not. For example a non masochist submitting to pain play is indeed submitting their will to someone else. It is very hard for me to explain this and I've been thinking about it since the conversation occured in channel last night. I also include service as part of submission because for a service sub, there are times when they do the service orientated actions even when they don't want to, simply because the dominant wishes them to do those things.

I can understand and accept (as well as agree) with the statement that a bottom is not a submissive because they do not submit outside of a scene, and they are not submitting to something they do not enjoy, instead they are only submitting to themselves (mainly) by giving in to their own desires for physical sensations. however, there is also a lower intensity of physical submission involved simply by bending over to take the pain from someone else. There are of course some bottoms who do not set the entire scene up, and basically submit to whatever the Top wishes to do within pre-arranged limits such as no blood, but these limits leave lots of possible types of play open and available, and thus up to the Top's decision of what type of play to engage in. In this scenario, there is some submission beyond physical because the bottom did not say "OK you can spank me with a paddle, but not use the flogger today" Instead the bottom effectively said "These are the types of play you can do, but the specifics for each scene are up to you". Thus, if the Top wishes to flog, the bottom accepts it even if they aren't exactly in the mood for a flogging at that moment. Wouldn't that be more of "submission" on the mental (will) level than just physically submitting one's body? I tend to think so.

I spent alot of time this morning reading other people's blogs. Very interesting reading. Some of it kind of bothered me. A couple of them seemed to be nothing more than hate messages and daily listings of things that the poster doesn't like, people the poster didn't like, or other negative angry things. Made me wonder how some people can live with so much anger/hate/resentment inside themselves? Sure, I get angry. Sure there are people I do not neccessarily like. But I try very hard not to focus on those people all the time, and follow their every word just so I can fight with them, and then vent at length about what rotten/stupid/idiotic people they are. Most of the other blogs, I found extremely interesting and enlightening into the posters view points, lifestyle choices, and the person themselves. With a couple of them, I am now able to see the posters in a different light, more human. I think that is a good thing. It of course, made me think of how often people just see one side of a person and think that's all there is. Usually ending up with a mistaken opinion or view of that person in the process. I know I've done it, so in some ways, these blogs are a way of getting to see the sides of others that we wouldnt' normally see on chat rooms or mailing lists. The more "human" side. I think this is a good thing and could go a long way towards misunderstandings based on the pigeon holing people tend to do when forming their opinions of someone else. Though, that could just be an idealistic statement as well. But these blogs are supposed to be my thoughts, as they come to me, and thus that is how I enter them. I think it, I type it. The blogs could also be nothing more than a waste of time. Or, could be some way of patting ourselves on the back and saying "see I'm good! I blog!" or somehoe reinforcing our own views of ourselves. I guess what one gets out of a blog will depend on what one puts into it, and for the reader, it wil depend on the view point from which one reads the words posted by another, plus their reason for reading them. If the reason is to learn more about that particular poster, then the blog could be a good way to do so. If the reason is to somehow use what is posted against the poster, then the reader will find that too I suppose. It is interesting to think of why someone would post in a blog. For me, I am doing it because I often get asked just what goes through my mind during a given day, and how does living a 24/7 d/s relationship differ from a vanilla one. People seem to think that there is some big difference between living in a power exchange relationship than in a "vanilla" one. Some even think that I spend all day walking around naked with a collar and cuffs on, kneeling all the time, or playing every night. That just isn't true. Like everyone else, I have responsibilities I need to take care of. The same stuff everyone else has to deal with, bills, laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking, etc etc. Those things don't just disappear in a d/s relationship and of course must be dealt with. Some people deal with them outside of the power exchange, and others deal with them by saying the sub must "serve" the dom by doing all the housework related stuff themselves, to make the dom's home more "homey". I deal with it by doing what I can (with arella's help, THANK YOU gf!!!!) and master helps out on the weekends. Because I can't work, I feel my job is the home. Not because master ordered it, but because that's how i view it. house hold chores tend to be done by whoever gets their first, be it me, arella or master...or we delegate things to the kids. I don't think that takes away from the power exchange in the relationship, instead it just deals with the realities of day to day living. Well time to go. Kidling causing trouble.

Tuesday, October 24, 2000

so much for thinking the kid calmed down. Oh well..I can dream can't I? And he is a cute kid. Keep telling myself that..he's cute..remember he's cute. why must kids make liars out of their parents?? Is it an inherent trait?
I am so tired of waking up in pain. I open my eyes in the morning and my legs won't move. When they finaly do, pain shoots down my left leg and just burns my whole pelvis. The doctor says it's "normal" and "to be expected" and basically to just live with it. For about 15 minutes most mornings, I have to lay still and slowly move my legs a bit at a time, loosening them up. Then I immediately have to eat something in order to take my medication without getting sick. On the mornings when this pain is inordinantly bad (usually the morning after I've played or made love with Master) I end up starting the day out cranky. I don't like that and I try so hard not to get cranky but it doesn't work all the time. I just get so damn sick of waking up in pain. I feel like I am 90 years old or something and I'm only 31. I know, pity party for one and it's useless. Most of the time, I keep my feelings to myself but sometimes I just can't help but vent a little about it. People who do not live with chronic pain really don't understand what it's like, though they can make guesses. It is very wearing to be in pain all the time, and to be on medication just to control the pain enough so you can walk and do light housework. Oh well, I needed to vent, now I feel a little better.
The MM is being a real brat so far today. I wonder why his worst days always seem to coincide with my back's worst days too? It could just be my perception is off because I'm in pain. Or it could be the coffee the kid stole from arella this morning. He actually tried to put one of the cats in the washing machine!! Then looked at me and said "I do nuffin!" like he was innocent when arella caught him red-handed. This child is going to drive me to the insane assylum or something. He seems to have calmed down a little so maybe the caffeine is wearing off, least I can hope for that much. Hopefully the rest of my day gets better from here.

Monday, October 23, 2000

Something interesting happened today. I missed Master while he was at work. I have not experienced missing someone just because they went to work in any prior relationship. Master says it's because I love him more. I don't know if it's that I love him more or not. I'm not really questioning it though, I don't see it as a bad thing. My attempts at following his rules better continue to go well. I think it's a good thing that I am working on fostering my desire to please him. It is something I was afraid I had lost because of the past year and a half. So it's nice to see that I havent' completely lost it, and that I can still enjoy completing tasks set for me. I continue to take this slowly and move one step at a time. Trying to fix everything at once, just overwhelms me. So I have had to prioritize things and work on them in order of most importance. I have also had to retrain myself to look for the forward movement in those areas, so that I can see where I am making progress and where I'm not. Because true change does not happen overnight, and usually happens one small step at a time. If I set my focus only on the "large steps" then I will never reach my goal. Some of my goals are to be able to trust completely again, feel my emotions, reveal my feelings to others, and allow myself to enjoy being submissive again. I have other goals that are not bdsm related such as work towards a better relationship with my daughter and help my son get to where he should be in he development. I am also making progress on those. Goals are important I think because without them we would stop growing and when a person stops growing, I believe that person is then for all intents and purposes dead.

I finished the article "Three Views Of Consent" for the e-zine Crystal Bridge. Ricci says it is a good article. I do not think it has the depth that many of my articles usually have, and it's probably because I covered 3 different viewpoints in a single article. But, that is how it came to my mind, and how it wanted to be written, so that's how I did it. When I write, I find it is best (and easiest) to let my articles write themselves, then play "clean up" on them after it's all written out. I suppose that isn't much different than how others write, a rough draft, then a few re-writes and finally the finished product. It feels good to be writing again. I really missed doing it. I have done a little bit of work on my book today, not too much. I kind of feel guilty for not working more on it because it is a dream of mine to get it published, and I already had one publisher express interest in it. But, I am afraid of finishing it and having it rejected, but also afraid of having it published. Kind of makes my writing more "real" somehow. For some reason, writing articles on a web site, doesn't feel like the same thing as writing for a book does. A web site, though many people read the words on them, is surreal somehow. less real. Probably because it can't physicaly be touched. A book is more *there* more real somehow. Rather interesting way to view it I suppose. I know that eventually I will finish it because my curiosity will get the better of me, and eventually I will reach a point where my dreams no longer scare me, and/or no longer seem completely unattainable. Master pushes alot for me to dream of things I want to do, and where I'd like to go in my life. Something I had stopped doing a couple years ago. I am now trying but mostly I hide my dreams from others, and only look at them for a few moments a day. Which is better than I was before when I couldn't even think of a single dream or goal I had for myself personally.

Well I think that's it for today.
The blogs are working on the LnR site and I am very proud of myself for getting them done correctly. I followed Ken's code afte he helped set up arella's blog to post to the LnR site. Today was an interesting day so far. I got up early, my son poked me in the eye, that's enough to wake anyone up!! so I was up before my alarm, LOLOL. I hung some pictures today. Which was interesting, the house is looking like I actually live here now. My stuff is up on the walls. I always wondered why a house just doesn't feel like a home when there are no pictures on the walls or anything like that. Maybe it's just something to make the walls more interesting to look at, who knows. I helped with the housework, and I did the dishes after dinner and cleaned the kitchen/dining room. So at least I feel like I accomplished something. Master is home now, so am going to go talk to him.

Sunday, October 22, 2000

ok..I think I have the links fixed finally.
Well it appears that I got the blog working on the web site. Now to link it from the rest of the site so people can see it. I somehow, lost the two posts I had already created when I set my blog to send to the site. No biggie they weren't really saying much except why I set this up for myself and then a bit about what happened during the day yesterday. Today I've spent alot of time thinking about why I sometimes feel the need to be "right" all the time. Yesterday I snapped at Master out of my need to be right about something that I was wrong about anyway. I have spent alot of time today trying to answer the question of 'why". I haven't really come up with anything that answers it completely. I think it has alot to do with the fact that I spent a great deal of time in the past 2 years living with someone who told me constantly how wrong I was. Wrong for any feelings I had, any thoughts I had, and anything I did. and because I was viewed as constantly wrong, this person decided I wasn't a good person. I felt i dissapointed that person all the time, and they usually said I had somehow. No matter what i did, how I did it or anything else, I was always wrong. So maybe I'm still dealing with the fear of being hated/ridiculed when I am wrong. I do wonder if it isn't partly because people now a days seem to view themselves through someone else's eyes. What someone else thinks is what makes up how someone views themselves. I don't really know. I do know that I have to work harder on being able to accept the fact that I can be wrong at times and it won't be the end of the world and that master won't hate me for it. Sometimes it is very hard to remind myself of these things. Though, on occasion I do manage to do it. Hopefully I can reach a point where I am not as terrified of being wrong. I know that no oneis right all the time. I know that people makes mistakes,myself included. But I tend to hold myself to a much higher standard than I do anyone else. I push myself harder than anyone else ever has. I am my own worst critic and sometimes that makes me my own worst enemy. Sometimes I wonder if that is true of everyone because some people don't seem to tear themselves apart as much as I tear myself apart.

Today, overall, was a good day. The cold everyone has been fighting seems to be making a come back for me, my son, master and arella. I really hate that. Colds drive me nuts. I hope arella, Kyle and Master all feel much better tomorrow. I hate seeing the people I care about sick, makes me go into mother overdrive and try to make them feel at least a little bit of relief. Some people are very offended when I mother them, thankfully no one that I live with seems to be that way.

I am doing better following the rules and tasks that Master has set up for me. I am proud of myself for that. I had been having a difficult time for a little while. Partly because I just wasn't feeling very submissive, and partly because I did not have the medication to control the pain in my back and thus spent most of my time off my feet. He and I had talked alot about the rules and tasks and he told me that he would like to see a bit more formality and obedience in our relationship. I can understand that. So, rather than wait until he started punishing me for not doing things, I put alot more conscious effort into following his rules. I had gotten very used to not following anyone's rules,or having to complete tasks for anyone. Answering solely to myself. Now, I am having to relearn obedience. I feel better when I do follow the rules, and I know it pleases Master. I guess what i like best is it isn't obedience out of fear, but obedience because I desire to please him and I know that doing the things he asks of me, will please him. Well almost time for the discussion in channel tonight so I will write later.
still trying to get this thing to work on my web site. I think I have it all correct, but not sure yet. trying again.