Rough Day

Today ended up being a rather rough day. I read a Xanga entry (blog entry) from my step son that really hurt my feelings. He seems bound and determined to see everything I do, don't do, say or don't say as negative and against him, no matter what it actualy was. And I know that any explanation I give him won't matter, he continues to see things in whatever way he has decided is "right" in his mind. Usually that means whatever makes him look most innocent. Still though, it really hurt my feelings to see him turn around what actually happened when he showed up unannounced and unexpected the other day so that it looks like I purposely snubbed him because I hated him. I don't hate him. I don't like everything he does, but I don't hate him.

I got punished last night, for not doing laundry. I did some laundry today, there isn't much to do though, only a few small loads left, which is kind of nice. So I had my guilt with me today. I always feel guilty when I screw up enough to actually be punished because I know Master does not punish easily.

Then to make matters worse someone decided it would be a good idea to tell me I am not a slave, nor a sub, because I do not immediately agree with everything Master says or does and that I am more than willing to tell him if I think he is wrong. After that blog of my step-son's this crap did not help at all. This guy scares me because he puts himself out there as a wise knowledgeable person about BDSM, and he tells people he has online only experience. I've done both, online and real life, and there is a major difference between the two. It is alot easier to type in "kneels before so and so" in real life when you are angry, not feeling well, cranky or what not than it is to actually do it in r/l. THere are fears and such that crop up in real life, that don't crop up online because in r/l its all real. The dominant is really going to tie you up, or really expect you to do all the housework or whatever is in your relationship. Online, typing in that you wash the dishes is alot more fun than actually washing dishes in real life. I've done both as I said before so I speak, from my experiences, to both. But I try to be very reality based when it comes to teaching newbies. In my opinion it is wrong and downright dangerous to teach a bunch of newbies that they should never ever question their dominant and that if they do they are a bad submissive or slave. In reality subs and slaves question their dominants (and themselves) quite often. The longer the relationship goes on, the less questioning is done because the people involved know each other better, but there are still times where questions are raised.

How each individual relationship handles these questions is one thing, and it does vary. Some require that the slave ask permission to speek freely before they can tell the dominant their feelings or thoughts. Some do not require that. Some require a combination of that. But every master/slave relationship I know of has some kind of arrangement made in which the slave can (and is expected to) question their dominant, or give their opinion and evidence if they think the dominant is wrong. To be told that this is not allowed is a fantasy and a dangerous one. I've been in a relationship where questioning the dominant was not allowed at all and obedience was expected even when I knew the dom was flat out wrong. It was very damaging to me because I was the one who had to deal directly with the mistakes he made. I was the one who got hurt physically or emotionally because the dom was too insecure to let me give my opinion.

We talk about communication a great deal in bdsm. We say how important it is to keep a relationship healthy and happy. Being able to give one's opinion is part of the communication in any relationship. To deny one participant the ability to do that, is to effectively cut them off from communicating at all. Without the communication trust suffers, resentment builds and the relationship eventually dies and at worse it can become quite abusive.

If being able to speak my mind, at my owner's insistence, makes me not a slave or sub in someone else's eyes, then they need glasses and a reality check. I know what I am and I know who is in charge and has final say in all things, and it is not me.

Arguing in master/slave?

Yes, arguing, as in fighting. People seem to think that having a power exchange relationship of any sort, stops any and all arguing that would occur otherwise. This just is not true. People eventually argue, the dynamics of the relationship does not stop the argument. It may provent it from occuring for a while, but sooner or later it will happen. Being a slave makes me no less human than the next person. There are things that agravate me, upset me or get on my nerves. From time to time master and I have disagreements, and once in a while we have out and out fights. Its been a little over a year since our last huge fight, which we had this weekend. I really hate it when we fight like that. Its always a combination of things that just finally became too much for me and the fight was on. Knowing that I started the fight makes me feel quite guilty.

Its really late so I won't go any further than this for now. I need to get some sleep.

That damn "abuse" accusation

I've been involved in bdsm online for almost 9 years now. I run mailing lists and a very large web site. I have changed as a slave over time. I have made many mistakes that are quite common for people when they first get involved in bdsm. Its kind of odd considering that I already incorporated pain play into my sex life and always had. The earliest fantasies I remember included things like bondage and spanking. I had some terminology and some idea of what was included in bdsm beyond the play activities, but I had far from enough knowledge to know about the many variants that are found in the bdsm lifestyle. One of the mistakes I made, and it is a common mistake for novice submissives, is I tried to model my personal bdsm relationship after what someone else considered to the "right". Of course it did not work. Eventually I realized that bdsm is a highly personalized thing, that each relationship is different and must be adjusted/created to best fit the people involved rather than to match up with someone else's idea of what is correct bdsm and what isn't, or what makes a good submissive and what doesn't.

Today, yet again, I came accross the belief that anyone who does not use a safeword is unsafe and any dominant who prefers to not use a safeword is abusive and any sub or slave who goes along with a dominant's preference to not use a safeword is an abuse victim, not a submissive or slave. This viewpoint bothers me because it is not true. I will have to write more tomorrow. I am falling asleep.

Lots Of Work

I did a lot of work today in the laundry room. I completely cleaned it out, getting rid of a lot of stuff that no one uses, wants or even remembers being there. I had to do it though because there was no room for the vacuum and the steam cleaner. It looks very very good now!

Master made me feel really good today. He told me that I have been extremely pleasing to him lately. He says that I have done a really good job keeping up with my tasks, and doing what he asks me to do, and even doing things he didn't ask me to do but that I knew would make him happy. It was really really nice to hear these compliments from him.

OK. this needs to be a short entry tonight because I am tired, in pain and its late.

YAY! Back on my feet

I've had a rough week with my back, but its finally calmed down so here I am again. This will be a first, 2 posts within 2 weeks. WOW! Most of the time I have no clue what to say. People seem to think that living a 24/7 power exchange relationship is exciting every day, but it isn't. Its like any other long term relationship, things become "normal", they become "just what we do" and often we don't even think about why we do them that way anymore. We just do. This doesn't mean we are bored with each other or anything, because we're not. It does mean that the spark that exists in a new relationship has gone away, which happens in every relationship.

People ask me if I still get in trouble. Yes I do, from time to time. I got in trouble last Saturday as a matter of fact. Master had ordered me to not do anything, to stay off my feet. I was up early last Sat. with my son, and having not slept Friday night I was very tired. So I started doing stuff to keep myself awake. Nothing major like moving furniture, but I wasn't staying off my feet. My back wasn't as bad as it had been the day before, and I didn't even think about what he had ordered me to do. He caught me ironing a binding on a latch hook that one of the girls had done and wanted finished as a pillow. As soon as I saw the look on his face, I knew I was in trouble. Then I remembered I wasn't supposed to be doing anything. This is one of the two ways that I most often get in trouble, forgetting something because my mind is too focused on something else, or opening my mouth and talking without thinking first. I am glad that it is not often that I get in trouble. Knowing I have done something wrong, let him down, makes me feel very very bad. It is the worst part about being in trouble. It is the part that makes it possible for a corporal punishment to be a punishment despite the fact that I usualy enjoy pain when we play. The mindset is very diferent between a punishment scene and a play one.

This past week has been rather boring because I did have to spend most of it off my feet and I really hate doing that. It makes me irritable and upset, and half the time I am not even sure why. Mostly its because I feel useless just sitting on my duff and doing nothing. I really hate having to give in to my back, it always strikes me as unfair. But Master takes my back very seriously. Thankfully he has also reached a point where he balances it better so that I don't feel like I am being treated like glass. There are many things that I can still do, but there are also things I can't do and finding the balance between the two is often an ongoing process.

Master is currently asleep, so I've taken the opportunity to catch up on my email. Finally got that done. I've done a great deal on the web site, and am just waiting for the pictures I need to finish the band site, and start really getting that done.

Well that's about all I can think of to write.

A New Beginning For This Blog

If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Everyone has heard this little snippet at one point or another in their lives. I find it to be true. I realize it has been a very long time since I wrote in this blog and I am now hoping to change that. I'm hoping to make this blog something that will help others to see what a master/slave relationship can be like in real life. Not every relationship is the same, and what works for my master and myself may not work for anyone else. But being able to read about someone else's relationship can help the reader to see for themselves the reality of a master/slave relationship, rather than just the fantasy.

Everyone has fantasies and those are good things to have. They often tell us things we would like to try, or goals we wish to achieve, or simply give us a few moments to daydream. But in BDSM people tend to confuse their fantasies with the reality and expect a full time power exchange relationship to be exactly how they fantasized it would be. I'm not trying to say that fantasies are wrong because they certainly are not; what I am hoping to do is help people to see one possible reality for this kind of relationship. I am also hoping that by sharing my reality it will assist someone who is new to the lifestyle develop a more reality based idea of what is possible, rather than set themselves up for disappointment by expecting their fantasies to become their reality. One of the common reasons that power exchange relationships fail is that one (or both/all) party in the relationship had unrealistic expectations of how the relationship would work on a day to day basis. So when the relationship was not everything they fantasized it would be, they end the relationship.

I get asked a lot "what does it mean to be a slave every day" to my master. For me it means, doing my best to please him every day. This is achieved through obedience, respectful behavior, and noticing little things that make him happy and then doing them. It means that his needs, wants and desires come before mine. It means that in all things, he has the final word. I am required to tell him my thoughts, ideas, feelings, wants and needs, but it is his choice of what to do with that information. I can ask for things, but he does not have to do them if he does not want to. I know this makes the relationship sound extremely one-sided, and that is the basic truth. A master/slave relationship is one-sided, with most of the emphasis being placed on the master. However, this does not mean that my master never does anything for me. Nor does it mean that my master can blithely ignore my wants and needs all the time. Master places quite a bit of importance on making sure my needs are met because he knows that if he never meets my needs sooner or later the relationship will end. He also enjoys granting my wants and desires fairly often because he enjoys my reaction. He likes to do things that will make me smile or make me feel good, the only difference between our power exchange relationship and a vanilla one is that he does not have to do those things if he does not want to. The final decision is his to make.

I have tasks that I am to do on a daily basis. Some leeway is given for my physical disability, or for unavoidable (or unexpected) situations that may arise which make it difficult or impossible for me to complete my tasks. At first master was real lenient in this area. He would excuse too much, which quickly caused me to believe that it did not matter if I completed my tasks or not. This was a stumbling block in our relationship for quite some time. About a few months ago however, he made his limits of what constitutes an acceptable excuse more stringent. And if I did fail to do my tasks, and he considered my reason to be unacceptable, he will punish me now rather than just letting it go. This has made me feel much more comfortable and safe in my role as his slave. I need that consistency, I need to know what the rules are and that they will be enforced. This is something that many slaves need. It gives them a sense of security and having that is very necessary for a slave to function well.

Today I was supposed to do some laundry, straighten up the bedroom, balance the checkbook and pay bills. I have been lax in completing my daily tasks these last couple of days. But master has made an allowance for them due to the circumstances surrounding our lives. First we had hurricane Ivan to deal with. This, of course, caused a great deal of worry for master because his son chose to drive to the city right near where the eye would make land fall, and he drove there during the the couple hours when the entire area was being plagued by major tornados, the first of which was responsible for one death, and another of which killed an older woman. We spent two days without electricity. Master became very worried about his son and his son's girlfriend when we did not hear from him for 3 days. Finally we got the number for where he was supposed to be, to find out that he had left that person's house 3 days earlier. Master, naturally, was consumed with worry and terrified that something bad had happened to his son. This, of course, caused a great deal of tension and concern for all of us. Then to add to those things, I got a slight case of food poisoning that left me feeling pretty sick for a few days and as often happens when I have stomach troubles or diarrhea, my back hurts a lot. So for those reasons master has let it slide that I did not get all of my tasks done every day. Instead he said he was proud of me because despite all of this going on, I did manage to get some of them done every day.

I understand his reasoning and I agree with it, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel guilty for having slacked off in the first place. I have spoken with him about it. He understands my guilty feelings but assures me that I have done nothing severe enough to warrant a punishment. However, he also said that now since everything has calmed down again, he will once again be holding me to my tasks. So I got most of them done today. For this I was rewarded with some play tonight, including sub-space. Our play does not always include sub-space for me, sometimes he just likes to watch me struggle to take the pain or hear me say "ow". In fact I would have to say that this sadistic streak in him has been growing steadily in the past year or so.

So why do I do all of these things for him if a reward is not guaranteed? Why do I obey and strive to please him even though I know he does not have to do anything to please me at any given time should he choose not to? For me the reason is rather simple, and one that not many people believe is true. I do it because it makes me feel good to please him. I know when I have pleased him by the look on his face, the light in his eyes, and sometimes he will come right out and say that I have pleased him. It is difficult to describe how this makes me feel other than to say that this my return for all my service and often it is enough. I can't say it is always enough because I am human and thus I occasionally wish for a reward or more than just a smile in return for everything I do. But those feelings do not occur often, and when they do they are not very strong and do not last long.

Well I am really tired so I'm going to stop in this blog and go ahead and post in my Journey To Healing From Abuse blog before I get too tired.

Good night!