Quotes and my response to them; plus a bit on society

“People know what they do; they frequently know why they do what they do; but what they don’t know is what what they do does.” Michel Foucault

I read this little snippet the other night and it echoed as truth inside me. People seem to be blind to how their actions affect other people around them. Callousness, coldness, aloofness and insensitivity now reign supreme. Compassion is a rarity. Before, those things were the “norm”, now people who act this way (caring, kind, understanding, aware of how their behavior affects others) are considered to “have something wrong upstairs.” What causes this?

Society now moves at an astonishing rate. People spend expansive amounts of time with machines and little or no human contact. Everything gets done lightning quick, so much so that a 10 minute wait has become unacceptable. Such a break neck pace is bound to cause some side effects. I think one of those side effects is the degeneration of interpersonal skills. You can’t learn how to behave with or towards other people when you hardly interact with other people during the day. (Banking, shopping, recreation can all be done over the phone, through a computer, or by proxy.) You call the bank you get a machine. You call the electric company you get a machine. Human interaction is not as high as it used to be. As well, with such a fast paced society, people often find themselves burdened with such a heavy schedule that they have little to no time to cultivate friendships or to keep up with the friends they already have; we’re always rushing from one activity to the next. Gone are the days where Sundays are set aside for relaxation, family gatherings, or other interactions with human beings. Now we can shop, work and do millions of other things on Sundays. It seems that many people do not value interpersonal relationships as they once did and they come last on one’s “to do” list. All of these things combined, make it easier to not see how our behavior affects the people around us. We’re too busy to notice, to think about, or to care.

The victim belief has something to do with this as well, I think. The victim belief is the way everything is always someone else’s fault, or everything that is wrong with your life is because someone abused/neglected you in your past. People don’t take the responsibility for the actions anymore. Everything has a justifiable excuse and that excuse is supposed to relieve a person of any blame or responsibility for what they do. “Oh I got cranky? It’s not my fault I have huge stores of rage inside me because the neighbor abused me” or “I killed someone? That’s not my fault. I didn’t get everything I wanted/needed as a child and that neglect is what caused me to act out this way.” Where does the “not my fault” end and the “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that” begin? Yes child abuse is a horrific thing and very damaging to the child. However, it should not be a crutch that the person can use to justify any behavior no matter how wrong, 30 years later. Being an abuse survivor should not give a person a “I’m not responsible for anything” card, yet it does now. I do not think that abuse does not have long lasting or far reaching affects on a person because I know for a fact that it does. But I also know there are a large number of people who are using past abuse as an excuse for their behavior. Rather than take responsibility for themselves and heal the effects of the abuse, they use the abuse as an excuse for whatever behavior they choose to engage in. It seems to me that society has gone to the extreme with this. It used to be that abuse had no effect on children, and did not occur. Now, abuse is admitted to, but it is treated as a life-ending incident creating severe emotional disturbances in the victims that they can NEVER overcome. Isn’t going from “it never happens” to “it creates permanent flaws that victims will never overcome” just going from one extreme to another? Yes there are numerous situations where one’s past has a direct link to current behavior, but those cases are not the majority, nor should they become the majority. I think this stance of society has the most impact on the fact that many people just don’t see how they affect others anymore. They don’t have to see it because they have no blame, whoever abused/neglected them has all the blame. That is sad because it condemns society to becoming even more cold towards one another and it condemns the surviving victim of abuse to an unstable mental/emotional life by default. Too much emphasis is put on the damaging effects of abuse and not enough emphasis is put on actually healing from abuse. It is possible to heal from abuse and lead a perfectly happy life. Why doesn’t society put that message out there? I don’t know and I think it’s sad that more people do not know that they can heal from, and function “normally” despite, past abuse.

“He allowed himself to be swayed by his conviction that human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but that life obliges them over and over again to give to themselves” Gabriel Garcia Mquez from “Love In The Time Of Cholera”

I think this little snippet has something to say to that last paragraph about the victim mindset. Throughout life people must constantly be reborn. To do this, one must be open minded to new things and learn from past experiences. Each growth spurt causes the person to change into another version of themselves, or in some cases, a new version. In this way, it can be likened to being “Born” or “reborn”. Life teaches people things every single day, if we only take the time to look for those things. We have difficult things we must live through, and it is usually from those experiences that we learn the best, hardest, and most profound lessons. A person cannot remain stagnant throughout their entire life, or they cease to truly live. Instead a human being requires growth to achieve maturity, and continued growth to gain wisdom. This is a never ending process that keeps life alive. Life is not just the ability to breathe or have a heart that is beating. Life is more than that and I think it is a growth process. Human beings must continue to learn in order to truly live.

Darn and I had a real good thought going there too. Got interrupted by my daughter who unerringly asks to talk when I’m in the middle of something. LOL Oh well. No biggie.

A lot of times the topic of terminology, expressions and words come up on mailing lists, in real life groups and in chat room. It is discussed about whether or not the words we use in BDSM actually exist, if the definitions that are in the dictionary (for those words that have definitions in the dictionary) are applicable to BDSM, and whether or not we can ever agree upon a lexicon of terms for the lifestyle. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this topic over the past few years, wondering whether having a set definition for the terms would be helpful or harmful, wondering whether or not we will ever arrive at a general consensus agreement of terms and wondering if it would even matter if we did. I wonder why people find it so necessary to create new terms when the ones that are already in place adequately describe the same situation or role.

“Words are not the things for which they stand” Robert Fulghum

The above quote seems to apply to how those involved in BDSM approach words. The frequent redefining of terms to a point where they no longer even faintly resemble their original definitions is (to me) an example of a word no longer being that which it stands for. The reason people define words is so that they can give a single word that stands for a longer meaning or situation. The word war for example is a very small word, yet whenever it is used it conveys a fight, usually with arms and usually involving large groups of people. Rather than saying “Such and such a place is engaged in a large scale war with hundreds of their military members fighting over land borders with the people of a neighboring country”, it is much easier to say “Such and such a place is at war with their neighboring country over border disputes.” The meaning is the same with the main difference being smaller words are used. Words provide multiple opportunities to get a thought/concept/idea across in different ways. The definition of a term is supposed to be the situation or such that the word was created to describe. If we start removing those definitions, we are making effective communication much more difficult because no one knows what anyone else is talking about. BDSM is a widely varied and often complicated topic as it is, and it is made more complicated by the erosion of the terminology. I do not however think this is isolated only to BDSM. I think this same erosion is occurring in every day language as well. I’m not sure why this is so, but it is there.

“We speak poetry, not substance.” Robert Fulghum

(I’ve been reading another Robert Fulghum book, can ya tell? I love his books, I always find something in them that touches me)
I read this little tidbit and all I could think of “what a neat way of saying lipservice!” Some consider poetry to be an abstract flowery use of words that has no real meaning or significance. I happen to think poetry does indeed have a distinct meaning, and it is usually the meaning that the author gives it. (It can be abstract or concrete or anything else the author wants it to be) So I can see how one could say that a person who speaks in the abstract, without conviction and without meaning what they say, is speaking poetry. For words to have substance they have to be filled with a meaning, whether that be the dictionary’s definition or some mental/emotional significance that the speaker imparts into the words. Another way that words have substance is whether or not they are spoken by someone who backs their words up rather than just speaks to hear their own voice, in this case those words have a lot of substance because the speaker can be counted on to back those words up. I think it is sad how society has developed (or regressed maybe) into something that values pretty words with no substance, over promises and honesty.

“The map is not the territory” Alfred Korzyboki (meaning “abstractions about reality are only symbols of the real world and are not to be confused with the world itself” Robert Fulghum)

With this little tidbit I get the impression that words are only the preface to the real item (be it a thought, feeling, experience, person, place or whatever) itself and not to be counted on to give an accurate representation of that item. It also could be reminding people that dreaming about something or reading about it (hearing about it etc) is nowhere near the same as experiencing it for yourself and not to take what you hear as the gospel truth about reality. Dreaming is wonderful and (I think so anyway) necessary for human beings. They help to enliven the spirit and refresh the soul. But it can be a very bad thing to confuse a dream with reality and dreams shouldn’t be relied upon to reveal the truth of a situation.

Just some rambling thoughts…

It has been a very long time since I blogged, but that’s because I’ve been very busy. I’ll cover some of it. A long time friend of mine contacted me and asked me to create a web site for him. This is a business related web site with a domain name. Originally I was to create the site and maintain it while he learned to do these things himself. Then, once he felt comfortable and capable of doing so, I was to turn it all over to him. No problem. However, he has decided that he wants to give the entire site to me. Creation, management and creative design. He will, of course, maintain a high interest in what goes on the site and it’s layout etc. So I’ve been working on that for at least an hour a day. Right now, it’s mostly in the planning stage which gets done mentally and on paper. Testing new graphics, new ideas, laying out the pages and gathering information to be placed on the site. It doesn’t show a lot of the work I’ve done because most of that doesn’t get put on the site as a work in progress. Instead the final results get put up and those results are the pages with the gathered information, new ideas, new concepts and graphics or whatever. Though, I haven’t been able to put as much time as I was hoping into the site’s creation. Sam ended up in the hospital again. This time under a baker act because she was suicidal and homicidal and told these things to a police officer. Turns out one of her “friends” was trying to teach her to worship satan. I feel like I’m an actress in a really bad made for tv movie. It’s surreal, but it is not a “dream” or a pretend situation, it is my reality as much as I wish it wasn’t. So I spent a week dealing with her being in the hospital. I got the unenviable job of confronting her on a daily basis by visiting every single day. This was because she was manipulating the doctors and staff into believing she was perfectly fine. She did the whole “honeymoon” thing by this I mean she was smiling, laughing, happy, and generally very upbeat. She gave them no trouble at all. Which, of course, was in direct conflict with mine, Ron’s and ayli’s descriptions of her behavior and moods at home. We did a family therapy session in which Sam let down these defenses and showed how she was truly feeling and what she was truly thinking because I could see through her façade and told her to knock it off that I wasn’t buying it. So because of the fact that I could see through her, the psychiatrist demanded that I visit every day specifically to confront her and make her face her own thoughts/feelings. Not a position I wanted to be in. This kid is over 5 feet tall now, and strong. She is capable of really harming me physically, and when pushed she will start a physical fight with me. So to a certain extent I am afraid of her. Add to that the 7 years of dealing with this shit and I’m just emotionally worn out and tired of dealing with the roller coaster that is her emotions now. They’ve changed some of her medication doses and added a new one, this seems to be working well and she is a lot calmer. She has also been making a more concerted effort to talk to me about how she feels and what she thinks. As long as she talks to me, or to someone, and I mean really talks not just gives lip service, she doesn’t explode. It’s when she doesn’t talk, and instead hides from her thoughts and feelings, that she explodes and loses her self control. So anyway, that has taken a lot of my time. Add in the standard day to day stuff of running a household with 4 children, and that cuts down on my time as well. But that’s ok.

Simi and Ror came to visit. They arrived yesterday afternoon. I was very excited that they were coming to visit. We all seemed to get along so well online and I really like simi so I was real excited to meet them real life. I hoped we would get along as well in real life as we do online. My hopes were not met, instead they were exceeded. We got along extremely well and had a blast while they were here! I felt comfortable with both of them immediately, which was real nice. So did ayli, Ron and the kids. Kyle thought new people in the house was just wonderful and he had an absolute blast talking to both of them. I was not expecting any play to occur because this was our first meeting. I was pleasantly surprised however. Ayli and I spent a great deal of time cooking a special dinner for our guests and it came out absolutely perfect. I am proud of my part in the meal and I’m sure ayli is proud of hers as well, if not she should be. She is :) We all sat down to eat and every had seconds or even thirds. And we all talked, laughed and enjoyed the company throughout the meal. It was a lovely dinner.

After the kids went to bed Simi brought in the “toy bag”. Ohhh I was excited. She had described a collar to me online and said that a verbal description just didn’t do it justice. She told me she’d bring it with her when she visited, so I was really looking forward to seeing it. It is a gorgeous collar! Though it took about 3 hours from the time the toy bag was brought out until the time we actually looked at the collar. Instead, we had put in the movie American Beauty but no one was paying attention to it. Instead we were talking and having fun. The discussion turned to needle play. Simi was describing how Ror uses needles on her and we were fascinated by it. So next thing I new, Ror was demonstrating. He did a ladder on simi’s breast, and then a cross. She barely flinched, though with the cross she did some Lamaze breathing. Throughout it all she was explaining how it feels and how she deals with the pain and variations that she has seen or heard of with needle play. I was fascinated. I wanted to try, but I was still very scared of the needles. I guess I’ve come to the whole fear of needles thing that so many people have. Ayli sat down and Ror put a ladder on her left breast. She didn’t flinch either and she started talking about how cool it felt and interesting and all that. This made me want to try even more. Ron, bless his heart, knew I wanted to try it and that I was only hesitating out of fear so he ordered me to sit down and let Ror do it, so of course I did. Before Ror could start though, Ron put the purple velvet collar on my neck. He looked very intense and all I could think of was doing my best not to wimp out and to please him. I really was scared. I did not look as Ror put the first needle in above my right breast. (They were 20 guage needles) Ron was holding my hand. Simi was talking to me, and honestly I don’t remember anything she said to me I was just too afraid. Of course, I was very tense and thus it hurt. But once it was in, I realized it had not hurt anywhere near as badly as I was afraid it would, and I relaxed. I found myself staring at this needle that was through my skin and was fascinated by it. I mean it looked like it should be hurting like absolute hell, but it didn’t. There was a sense of pressure (closest word I can think of) but no real pain. The worst of the pain came with the initial piercing of the needle through my skin, with a less sharp pain coming when the needle exited the other side. I watched as Ror put in the next 3 forming a ladder. I only flinched on the third one. I found that watching it was easier for me, and because I knew when the pain would hit I was able to handle it a lot easier. I found myself thinking over and over that it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. I was also very amazed that I had actually let someone do this. I had wanted to try it, I had fantasized about it, but I guess I had never really let myself think that it would ever come true so I was kind of shocked when I actually had needles in my skin. Ron was watching very closely as Ror put the needles through. He had watched just as closely with Simi and ayli as well and had already used a needle on himself in 4 spots to get a feel for doing it. Ror put another ladder on my left breast, again using 4 needles and only one of those (least that’s all I can remember right now) made me flinch. He put a cross in on the right breast’s edge and that did hurt quite a bit. Mostly the second needle on the cross hurt because it had to go beneath the first needle. But even that wasn’t too bad. I did the breathing thing. Simi was encouraging me the whole time. Talking to me, and reminding me to breathe deeply. She even said “It’s through” everytime the needle broke through the skin the second time to exit. After the third needle I had a pretty good idea of when the needle exited anyway, but I found her verbal assurances to be quite comforting and helpful. I was also surprised, but not overly surprised, that I was not embarrassed to be bare chested in front of two people I had literally just met. I was a bit shy at first, but as soon as Ron gave the order to sit down for Ror to do the needles, that shyness went away. I was not the least bit afraid that Ror would truly hurt me. He did not intimidate me at all, nor did he pressure me. He asked if I was sure I wanted to do this, so I had to admit that yes I really wanted to try but I was scared. He smiled at me and was very patient. That meant a great deal to me. Ron sat right beside me, holding my hand and talking softly in my ear. Telling me that I looked beautiful, he was very pleased, and that he loves me and I am his lady his slut his slave. I got a bit fuzzy headed, but nowhere near sub space, just very relaxed. Once both ladders and one cross were in place we ended up pausing. Ron was very pleased by what he saw and Ror was smiling so I figured he liked what he saw too. Things went into other activities that I won’t go into great detail about because they aren’t my details to reveal but suffice it to say I got to see some very interesting things. I assisted Ron in topping. We were using crops and got into a rhythm with them. I enjoyed that. I found it so interesting that I could enjoy it because I’ve never really enjoyed topping before but for some reason, with Ron, I can co-top with him and enjoy it. I don’t feel like I am the one in control, it is his scene. Nor do I feel like I am topping from the bottom. I did enjoy making the person go “ouch!” though. Guess I have a slight sadistic streak in me afterall. LOL

I got to see a vampire glove used, which made some really great marks! Of course blood was involved from the needles, vampire glove and straight razor. The sight of the blood on white skin was fascinating! I really enjoyed the reaction of the person these things were being done too as well. After about 45 minutes of this play Simi wanted to show me how a cross gets done in between the breasts. She kept saying my breasts were perfect for a cross in the cleavage area. I was scared of putting one there though because she had also said that putting needles in areas where there is less padding between the skin and the underlying bones can hurt more, like over the clavicles. I do not have a whole lot of padding between my sternum and skin. So Ror did one on her first. It looked very pretty I have to admit. Then Ron spoke up and said I was not symmetrical in that I needed a cross on the left breast, and one in the middle. Ror likes to make his needle work very symmetrical and calls it artistic. I have to admit that it looks beautiful. So, Ron spoke and I sat down again. But before we could start on that Ron layed me down. He wanted to put a needle in me. He chose my thigh for his first needle attempt. I am guessing it was because my thigh has more padding than my chest (other than my breasts I mean) does. Simi told me to hold still because it would hurt more if I moved. I got scared because I couldn’t see what he was doing and I have very sensitive inner thighs. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to take it, but I did. He went slow, which simi told me later makes it hurt more , but he managed to put the needle through my thigh. It wasn’t too bad, it did hurt more than the ones on my chest, but not so bad that I felt I needed to tell him to stop. When it first broke the skin I panicked. I wriggled a bit (all but my right leg since he was piercing that one LOL) and grabbed the headboard. I forced myself to calm down and breathe deep. Simi reminded me to breathe through it and asked if I was ok. All I could do was nod. It did hurt and it hurt a lot. But I felt it break the skin the second time and I knew it was in place. He let me sit up and I stared at the needle. I was amazed that there was one in my thigh. I know it sounds silly because there were 10 in my breasts so it isn’t like this was a shock or anything, but all the same I found myself just as amazed by that one as I was by the ones in my breasts. LOL It hurt though, so I asked if I could take it out and Ron said I could. So I took that one out. Then I faced Ror. (I may not have the exact order of everything correct, but I think I’m at least close)

I couldn’t bare to look when he put the first one in between my breasts. I was again afraid it would hurt too much for me to take. So I looked away instead. Ron wasn’t holding my hand this time, instead he had clipped my wrist cuffs together. I’m guessing it was to keep me from getting my hands in the way but I’m not sure. Though it could have been because he likes to see me cuffed. Anyway, Simi was talking to me and I kept staring at the needles that were between her breasts. The first one did not hurt that bad, but it did hurt more than the needles in the fleshier part of my breasts themselves. The second one, which went under the first, did not hurt as badly when it first pierced the skin, but did hurt more as he moved it under the first one then brought it up and out the other side. The pain faded real fast and I found myself staring at the needles between my breasts, once more amazed that I had taken it without screaming or anything. Ror then put a third cross on the side of my left breast. This one was a little higher than the one on the right side, and a little closer to my side than the rounder part of my breast. It did hurt. That one had me saying ouch. Once the needles were in though, the pain did subside. It did continue to “sting” for a while though.

Ron released my wrists and I went to place my hands behind me and put my weight on them, and that stretched the skin of my chest and pulled at the needles between my breasts. OUCH! I stopped doing that real fast!! LOLOL Ror took some pictures of my breasts once all the needles were in place. I have to admit it looked very pretty and was quite symnmetrical with balancing ladders and crosses. I liked it. They stayed in about 5 more minutes (I think it was 5 it may have been more or a little less) then I asked to remove them. Ror removed the left cross first, both needles at the same time I think. Then he took the ones from between my breasts, and I know he did those both at once. Then he took the ladder off my left breast. I thought he would do those 1 at a time but he didn’t. He took all four at once and I dind’t even realize it. I was talking to simi and ayli I think. I looked down and all four were gone. I was quite surprised because I hadn’t felt any pain when they came out. Ron took the ladder off my right breast, and did all four at once. Again it didn’t really hurt at all. Then the cross on the right was removed. I bled a little but not a lot. Which was slightly disappointing but not too much. Simi figured I would bruise because the needles were in for so long. But when I woke up this morning, there were no bruises. I’m not surprised. I tried telling her I don’t bruise easily but I don’t think she believed me. Instead of bruises I have these really neat little sets of red scabs. Looks like . . in four rows for the ladders and in a square almost for the crosses. I like the marks ;)

I am feeling rather excited, happy and high today still. I really enjoyed needle play. Simi and Ror gave Ron a box of 22 guage needles so I think we’ll be doing needle play ourselves. Ron feels comfortable in doing them, and I feel comfortable with him doing them. Though we cant do anymore until after my doctor’s appointment. If it was a civilian doctor I wouldn’t care, but with my doc being a military one I don’t think having those marks on my body would be a good idea. LOL

I was very happy with how I handled needles. I did not get into sub space but I found myself feeling just as happy without it. It was because Ron was so pleased with it. He is exercising his sadistic side and I’m enjoying that a lot. I get a great deal of personal pleasure in knowing I’ve made him happy or proud somehow even if it’s by wriggling and going “ouch” because he wants to see me do that. I get a big kick and emotional high off of making him happy and pleasing him. I also like that he is exericising his sadistic side because I do have a masochistic side. There are times I want to play but I don’t want sub space, I want the pain. I want to feel the pain, but not just because I want to feel the pain but because my partner (specifically Ron) wants to hurt me. I guess a better way of wording that is I crave pain play at times without benefit of sub space because I know that Ron enjoys it when I wriggle and go “ouch” sometimes. By taking that pain I please Ron, and that makes me feel good. I’m not sure how to explain the rest of my thoughts/feelings on that point so I’m not going to try this is already a disgustingly long entry! LOL

After all the play was over we all talked for a little while longer before finally going to bed at 4AM or so. Lol

We spent today talking and enjoying each other’s company again. I really had a great time with simi and Ror’s visit. They are wonderful people and a lot of fun :)

Well that’s about it for now.

I have been ordered to blog. So there, I've blogged. happy now sonja honey?? giggle

Well tonight was great. Kimmie and I went to a movie and had a blast. We even went to the book store and bought some books. It was real nice to get out of the house for a while and relax. We bought a few new books. It's really nice to have more than three authors I enjoy reading now. I'm trying a new book that I read about in Time Magazine called "THe Bonesetter's Daughter" by Amy Tan. She wrote the joy luck club. Anyway, Time did an article on the author and a review of the book. The article focused a lot on the new book and it sounded real good. Very interesting and something that would make my mind start working on many different levels. It focuses on the relationship between mothers and daughters with lots of other focuses as well. That is something that I sometimes wonder about as well, my relationship with my adoptive mother, my bio mother and my daughter's relationship with me. I've wondered at times what my daughter would remember most about me and what would affect her the most. I started it and so far I like it but it's a "thinking book". Reading it is going to require me to think, or inspire me to think and tonight I'm more in the mood for a story to entertain me. One I don't have to think about while reading it. So I started one of the other books we bought.

We saw "The Family Man" with Nicholas Cage tonight. It was very good. I enjoyed it. The ending left alot to the imagination which is good in some ways but not good in others. In so much as people (myself included) often look at movies to tell an entire story wihtout any loose threads, this movie doesn't do that. It made it fairly obvious what would happen but it wasn't a certainty. Thinking about it now, I kind of liked the ending the way it was. But the best thing about the whole movie was there were no kids with us! Wooo hooo!! I enjoyed myself. Kimmie did too so that is good. She needed to get out of the house for a while. The three of us are supposed to go to the movies tomorrow night to see Cast Away. I have been wanting to see that. The previews looked good and I like Tom Hanks, so hopefully I'll like this movie too.

Well that's really all I can think of right now.

Sam came home a week ago. She is doing alot better now. Prosecution has been dropped and that relieved her alot. Which, in the area of her mind and feelings, I suppose this is a good thing. I feel sad that Dennis won't pay for molesting his daughter because the damage he caused has been so hard to repair. Part of me is angry about this, not at Sam but at the situation that has allowed a child rapist to go free. The laws in Mass really suck. They have a law on the books that allows prosecution without the child testifying if they are mentally incompetent (dead or otherwise incapacitated) and they can't use it because of the constitution of that state. Not the US Constitution but the Mass one. Really goofy that they even managed to pass laws that are basicaly useless to them. It pisses me off. I am trying to let go of it and just focus on giving Sam as much help as I can so that she will finish healing and get on with life but it isn't easy. I am not as angry as I was last week, so this is good.

Ron and I seem to be experiencing a growth spurt in our relationship again. He is taking more control and using it however and whenever he wants to. I am responding by being more submissive and service orientated. We've been discussing a lot of things like tick lists and punishments and communication and control. Tick lists are not for him, and that's good because I didn't really like it anyway. Punishment seems to be something that will probably disappear from the relationship because of a few different reasons, unless of course I really screw up! LOL He has removed any safeword from me and the ability to say no. He says I can say it, I can say anything I want, but he doesn't have to listen to it and can ignore it if he chooses to. Basically I can't tell him no. I can tell him I'm not in the mood and why I'm not in the mood, but he doesn't have to listen to it. I don't say no anyway unless I have a real good reason like having sex or playing would cause alot of pain in my back, not a little, but enough to land me in bed for a day or so. That is (to both of us) a good reason not to play or have sex. He told me that he has been exerting his control because he was too, feels a need to do so to satisfy himself, not to satisfy me. This is good and it is what I was waiting for. Alot of things were depending on my mood and he wouldn't exert his control unless he felt I was in the mood for him to do so. I understand his reasons for doing this and I have to agree with them. I am grateful that he cared enough about my well being to hold back until I had healed some more and was ready to have that control exerted regardless of my current "mood". He did not want to push too hard too fast and end up hurting me somehow. He wanted to make sure I was ready to submit more before pushing me. He knew, better than I did, how messed up I was after those 18 months in the west. I am grateful for his patience and understanding. Apparently the time has come to push me. He is doing it, and I am submitting to him more mentally and emotionally than I had been. This is good. I think it was his understanding of the situation and patience that allowed me to reach this point where I can submit mentally and emotionally as well as physically. I had begun to wonder whether or not I would reach this point again, whether or not I could trust anyone enough to do it again, but it seems I can and that is good :)

Well that's about all I can think of so I'll stop here.

It's been a rough few days. Hectic and stressful. But such goes life I suppose. I haven't really been feeling myself since last Thursday night, though I did feel almost normal yesterday afternoon for a while, but it snapped last night. I haven't even been able to write in my journal. Thanks to the D.A. reviewing the case for my daughter, her memories were brought more into the fore front of her mind, and with them, the emotional pain. She has become depressed and all that stuff again. She was admitted to a local psychiatric hospital on Thursday night for suicidal ideation. Needless to say this really threw me for a loop. I had thought she was handling all of this so well, and dealing with it. But, she kept alot of her feelings and thoughts from me, out of fear that I would tell the D.A. to drop the case for good. She wants so badly to put that son of a bitch behind bars. She doesn't understand why I place her well being before putting him behind bars. I tried to explain it, but her response is she doesn't deserve to be cared about that much. Wheee..didn't that feel great? NOT. I've done all the right things for her, this time same as all the other times. Though suicidal ideation wasn't as big of a deal in the past, though (and I'm guessing it's because she is older) it has become part of her depression for the past year. I can't help feeling like all the progress she made in the past year, of which there is a great deal, is slowly slipping away. She started scratching her skin off her hand yesterday. So now we can add self abusive behavior to the list of symptoms. I had a treatment team meeting yesterday morning, and in there she was doing just fine. But between the time i left the meeting, and the time I came back to visit last night, she became intensely agitated, depressed, weepy, and had scratched some of the skin off her hand. It took the wind right out of my sails, let me tell you! I wanted to badly for all of this to be over, and I feel so guilty. Though everyone tells me it is not my fault, I'm not sure if i believe it or not.
I've found myself wondering yet again about that old saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" and I have to wonder if god is a sadist because he sure as hell has given me and Sam a lot more shit to deal with, and Sam isn't capable of dealing with it. She's been fighting these demons for 7 years now and is still as afraid of Dennis today as she was 7 years ago. It's very depressing and makes me wonder if she will ever really be okay again. I just don't know. I want a guarantee that she will heal. I want a date for when this should be done. I want my daughter back.

I got so used to the way she's been for the past 6 months. Calm, happy, peaceful. Slept fine. No depression. They'd cut her therapy down to once a month and were planning on cutting out the anti depressant medication in June 2001. She was co-operative and was obeying the rules of the house and all that stuff. She was feeling good about herself and seemed to be enjoying life again. And over the past month, the pain and the fear eroded alot of this and she's going backwards. I am so scared. What if she goes all the way back? I've been praying but I don't know if it will make a difference. Same as always though, I will be there for her and I will continue to try to help her both myself and through professional therapists and psychiatrists. Who knows, maybe this setback was neccessary for her to finally put "paid" to the whole thing. She is certainly having to face her fear. In tucson she faced mostly the emotional pain, and now she seems to be dealing mostly with an intense fear and some pain but nothing like when she was in Tucson. So it is possible that her healing is coming in stages. She takes a bunch of steps forward and when she reaches a place where she is doing well and has been for a while, she takes a couple steps back to pick up the healing process where she left off, and takes a bunch of steps forward again. repeat ad nauseum. I hope that's what this is, because then it may very well be that she is almost done. god I hope so.
Ron is being very supportive, which is nice. But i am finding it so hard to talk with him. All I want to do is be alone, read, or sleep. I am trying not to give into those feelings too much because it isn't good for me. I don't need to become clinically depressed as well. I will be getting a counselor for myself so I have someone to talk to about all of this that is not directly in the situation. Ron will listen, and understand most of what i say, but he is in the situation so that can make talking to him difficult for me. Not beacuse he doesn't want me to talk, or won't listen, but because i feel guilty for venting on him when I know this situation has him upset as well. I don't want to add to his upset, tension, stress level (pick terms) if I can help it. Though, I have been talking with him.

well I'm going to stop here.

Gee I am getting so bad about this blogging thing. I was looking for some stuff that I wrote on rituals, I know I wrote a whole bunch of stuff after reading one of Robert Fulgham's books, but I can't find it now. I can't remember if it was in here, or on paper, it isn't in my journal though. It's weird. Oh well, maybe it's in the notebook where I was writing down rough outlines of articles I wanted to do, because I wanted it to be an article.
Ron leashed me to the bed last night and I slept that way, collared and leashed. He seemed to enjoy having me that way quite a bit. I must admit I liked it to. I locked the bedroom door so none of the kids could just walk in and see this. I remember at some point Ron took the collar off and stuffed it under my pillow, I think he was leaving for work, but I can't be sure.
Kyle was cranky as hell today, whining almost constantly. He wouldn't listen to anyone either. Yesterday he got a hold of about 7 raw eggs and cracked them all over the tv room floor. So we had to rent a carpet cleaner and today we shampooed the carpets. Took us most of the day and Ron and Jeff finished the dining room and tv room tonight. The carpets look so much better now!! They were downright filthy! My back is hurting pretty badly now, but I feel like I accomplished a great deal, which is good. Maybe tomorrow I will actually clean the bedroom. LOL
Well that's about it for now. Later.

I don't really have a lot to blog about but I figured I better toss something up here before someone said "You need to blog raven!" LOL It's been a fairly quiet week around here. Ron is sick, no fun there that's for sure. Kimmie and I got a cold but it seems to be over for us and was only a couple of days. So far, thankfully, the kids haven't gotten sick so that's good. I figured Kyle would get sick, but he didn't and boy am I glad of that since he gets cranky as hell when he is sick. I've been reading alot this week, enjoying books that I've read before. I still like the stories though, so that's good. I've done alot of work on the cross stitch for mizu and Qryz, the main part is almost done, just have one rose left and a couple of leaves. Then I get to backstitch it, add the speciality stitches and the beads (if I can find them at Michael's) and it will be done. The funny thing about cross stitch is it seems I have to be in the mood to do it, and if I'm not, I just don't bother with it. Lazy I suppose. Or maybe it's boredom. I don't know. I do enjoy cross stitching and I love the complicated designs because you get a real sense of accomplishment when you finally finish them. And they look so beautiful! Who knows maybe one of these days I will actually complete one for myself LOL I've done a bunch for other people and given them away as presents, but the one I started for myself is half way done and I just keep putting it aside to do projects as gifts. I guess it's just an extension of how I tend to put other people before myself. Well I'm tired, so I'm going to go to bed. Night.

Today has been a quiet day. I didn’t sleep very well until about 8AM, then I think exhaustion finally took over. I managed to complete the changes to the discussion section of the web site. All of the discussion pages are updated and linked to templates with the exception of the main page and the two pages giving log information for 1999 and 2000. I have decided that I will move the discussions back to Sunday nights. Thursdays are just too hard for me. I am too tired by the end point of the week to want to start and host a discussion. With 4 kids and a house to take care of, I just don’t seem to have the energy for them. However, on the weekends, when the housework becomes Ron’s (by his preference) I don’t feel so worn out and am better able to run a discussion.

I am a lot calmer than I was when I blogged last night. I know my panic reaction was inappropriate, not with Ron, but in general. I guess I wasn’t expecting Sam to cry like that, or react that way this quickly. Especially when we don’t know for sure if they are going to prosecute or not. We hope they prosecute, but there is no guarantee that they will. I guess I have lost my old coping mechanisms, though they probably weren’t very healthy either. Mostly I shut off the emotions I couldn’t deal with, in order to remain calm as much as possible. I would fall apart from time to time, in private, and cry or vent in my journal. What finally soothed my mind enough that I could lay down and try to sleep was some poems. I wrote about 7 of them, 3 of which I thought were pretty good. Sometimes releasing the emotions through poetry is such a major relief to me, but I can’t always do it. Often the words just won’t come like I need them to. That’s ok, I have another outlet that I treasure the most, and that means a great deal more to me. I have Ron. Someone to talk to about it all and lean on, knowing he will be there for me. I also have Kimmie and her support, which is invaluable. Neither Sam nor I are alone in this and that makes things a lot easier to handle.

Ron wrote in my blog last night, some very nice things I might add. The situation he describes is not something I view as weak. Screaming, yelling and beating Tony up would not have done any good and only made the situation a lot worse. Ron has a great deal of self control over the outward showing of his emotions, mostly he controls the outward appearance of anger and/or rage. He is not so controlling of feelings of happiness, love, joy, peace, and things like that. Personally, I think being able to control oneself when enraged is a good thing. It is far too easy to not think before speaking when one is talking from a viewpoint of pure anger only. Any situation is merely made worse. It’s not that he doesn’t feel the emotion; he just doesn’t let it control his behavior. This makes it a lot easier to trust him and in my opinion makes him a better man. Now, I have that strength to draw upon in this situation and that alone gives me some inner balance and peace. It’s nice to have that foundation.

*smiles*

I will be there for you my Lady.......and for you...a small sample of my strenght....or weakness.....depends on how you look at it......

There was an afternoon a few years ago....just a few days after the custody battle...that Rose and Tony came to the house to see Rachel.....and when Nathan came out to say hello Rose brushed him off....They were out in the front yard......Rose at that time refused to come into this house....Nathan was hurt and upset by his Moms dismissal of him and went to his room.....So I went out and sat on the front step.....just to be there.....Rachel went inside after a bit and Rose spewwed a bit of her vemon at me.....Saying something to the effect that I didnt have to come outside and ruin thier visit with Rachel......At that moment I wanted nothing more than to kill them both...I would have given anything to do so....but I just sat there......told them that I came out there to tell Rose that she had hurt Nathan baddly......and I was upset that she could do such a hatefull thing to her son....I said this in a total calm voice.....sitting there and smoking a cigar....And Tony looked at me with this face so lacking in comprehension that it was pitiful...and said...."Your upset?,,,,,you sure dont show it" ....to which I smiled....Looked him in the eyes and said....."No actually right now I am enraged......I would cheerfully choak the life out of you both.....but that wouldnt do anything good for the kids would it?.....Rose just gapped at me like a fish out of water and said "Your so cold......its like your dead already.......and I nodded....."I just cant see how letting my anger show would do anyone any good.....not the kids,.....not me....not even you....Frankly your not worthy of my emotion",,,**OK I am paraphrasing a lot here..this was like a 5 minute conversation.....at one point Tony said something like come on down off your step and do something about it....and I said that the momentary pleasure of kicking his ass wasnt worth the trouble of talking to the police about why I did it....or talking to my superviosr...or my commander.....or anyone else for that matter......

So take this for what its worth....was a just too weak to let myself explode like I wanted to......afraid of what might have happened?.....or was a strong enough to keep my head....its something I have debated several times over the years.....I know I am not afraid of the possiblity of getting my ass kicked by Tony.....he isnt strong enough or big enough to do me that much harm......I am afraid that if we had come to blows that I would have killed him....and even a slime ball like him doesnt deserve to die for what amounts to adding Roses infidelity.....does he.....now Sam's dad is another matter entirely....but fortunately he is not close enough that I have to resist that temptation very often.....

Just depend on this.....that the strenght and restraint I showed that day is yours now.....I am strong inside........and I shall be standing with you and with Sam...each day......*grins*...and if I start pulling away....I am sure you can find someway of letting me know I am getting too far away.....like a blog....or a journal....or a whisper while cuddling......

I Love You

Ron

It’s been an interesting few days. I have Dreamweaver, versions 3 and 4. It is a program that helps make web pages, but also does a great deal towards maintaining the site. It means I am going to have to do some major overhauling on the pages to get them ready for dreamweaver maintenance, but that’s ok. It will make site wide changes a whole lot easier! If I need to change an email address all I have to do is change the templates and the program will change every page associated with that template. It will keep track of the last days a file was edited and automatically try to upload newer pages than what are on the remote server. It will also make a great deal of other things easier such as adding roll over images, forms, and more!

I got a call yesterday from the chief of the child abuse unit for the district attorney’s office in Massachusetts. I went over everything with him, especially the reasons I felt they were making an unfair decision about not prosecuting Sam’s case. He had to agree with me that the excuse of “it’s too complicated” is a cop out, that they don’t want to do the work on a complicated case. He had to agree that Sam deserves the right to seek justice if at all possible. He had to agree that their job is to prosecute criminals who abuse or neglect children. He had to agree with a lot of what I said. He did tell me he was not personally familiar with the case, but that he would review the case file himself and decide whether or not to move forward with prosecution. He said he would get back to me by the close of business on Friday. This may mean that I have to bring Sam back to Mass for another interview, and that the outcome of that interview will decide it so they do prosecute. It may mean that he feels the case is not winnable, though even he said that if I was giving him accurate facts, the case is very much winnable. I told him there is medical evidence from two separate doctors backing up my daughter and that all her psych files state clearly that Sam’s resultant mental problems were a direct result of having been raped by her father. I also told him that those records will show that Sam has remained quite consistent about her disclosures over the past 6 years, giving the same details over and over to her therapists. He basically agreed that this is all very damning evidence in a trial and would be enough, without her testimony to get a conviction, but coupled with her testimony would almost guarantee a conviction. So now I find myself hoping that they will prosecute. That Sam will finally get the justice she deserves. I also find myself very afraid. Afraid of the pain, disruption and tension this will cause. Afraid that I might not be strong enough to see her through this. Afraid that she might lose and he will be found not guilty even though I don’t think he will let it go to trial since he didn’t let a case that was one kid’s word against his, without medical evidence and with 5 prior years of lies from the child that it did not happen, go to trial. He copped a plea instead. Dennis is a chicken shit when push comes to shove.

Sam, of course, has been a bit tense since we discussed the phone call and what it might mean. I thought it was school stuff bothering her. I guess I have gotten very used to her being “ok” again because I didn’t even think that it could be the phone call and possible trial upsetting her. I feel dumb for that because I should have realized what was making her snippy and tense. Tonight she came to me, crying. She said she was so scared, and remembering it hurt her so much. I held her, let her talk and soothed her as best I could. She said that despite the fear she wants to continue to move forward. I told her that I also am scared, but I didn’t break down. God I wanted to just curl up somewhere and cry for hours, hide, pretend none of this ever happened, but I can’t do that and I know it. Instead I have to be her rock, her support. I have to remain calm as much as possible in front of her. I have to listen to her, soothe her, hold her and be there for her. If I fall apart she will not be able to do this. I know she is a very strong kid. I believe in her. But I also know she will need all the support she can get during this whole thing, especially if it goes to trial. I want to see this man pay for raping his own daughter, but I am so worried that I am not strong enough to deal with the tension this will cause. Maybe I too am panicking a bit, hell I probably am. Especially since I don’t know if they will prosecute or not. I also worry about my relationship with Ron. This is not going to be easy, it will take a lot of my time and concentration. I know Ron is a patient and understanding man. He is very supportive. But I fear that this will put too much stress on the two of us and tear us apart. Situations like this are not easy to live through, and they take a toll on everyone involved. I’m going to need him. His strength, love, and support to survive this. To help me be strong for my daughter I’m going to need him to listen to me and support me. I will of course do the same for him. When all of this first happened in 1993, it was the death blow to my marriage at the time. We just could not over come the pain and the guilt each of us felt and my then husband pulled away from me. Rather than going closer to one another for the support we needed, we both ended up dealing with it as best we could on our own. Neither of us did a very good job of it either. So this experience puts the fear that this will tear Ron and I apart deep inside me. I want so badly to believe that the strength our relationship has had for the past 5 years, and the strength we have now will be strong enough to keep us together through this. Part of me does believe this but I’m not sure if that is just the naive part of me, or if it is my instincts. Ron and I have handled a lot of things together, many of them painful and stressful. We did it by being there for one another and talking to each other. Leaning on each other as needed too. I hope we can continue to do this through this problem too.

If Sam reverts too much from this, I will put a stop to it. I’m hoping she won’t but I figure I best be prepared for the worst that way I won’t be overly shocked if the worst occurs. I have to mentally gear myself up for the same hell I lived with for 6 years from her. The tantrums, arguments, disobedience, attitude, nightmares, tears, and all of it. I figure if I gear myself up to deal with her absolute worst, I will be more readily prepared to deal with whatever does happen. I do think she has healed to a point where the absolute worst will not happen, though I have no delusions that this will be easy. This will be one of the hardest experiences her and I have to go through. But I think the end result will be very much worth every single tear shed throughout it if that bastard goes to jail. I think if he does go to jail, she will finally stop feeling that little nagging doubt that she somehow deserved his abuse and that small bit of guilt she still carries within her. For him to go to jail will be absolute proof that he was the one who was wrong, not her. That he was the one who screwed up, not her. But I am so scared. Scared for her, for myself, for my family and for my life. Part of me wants to kill Dennis. Part of me wants to just forget he exists. It is very confusing and I don’t like such emotional roller coasters.

It was so very hard to soothe Sam tonight. I did it right, and I succeeded, I know that. But it hurt me to see her crying over this again, to see the pure pain on her face and the fear in her eyes. She is so young. She is only 12 years old, even though sometimes she seems so much older. It’s at her most vulnerable times that one can very clearly see she is still a child and still needs the loving support of her family. She wrote me a note later telling me she loves me and thanking me for listening to her. I wrote back to her thanking her for talking to me and telling her again that she is strong. She seems to be ignoring all the successes she has already had, dismissing them I suppose because they are in the past, so they are not as fresh in her mind. I reminded her that she has already come a long way and has already succeeded over so many painful things. Telling her again that she is very strong, and that she has my full support at all times.

Ron and I talked afterwards and I told him my fears. I told him what I was expecting as far as the worst case scenario went, and as far as what I truly thought would occur taking into consideration the great progress Sam has made. He told me what I can expect if he gets over stressed and needs a break. I already know that he is pretty good at telling me how he will react in given situations, and so far he has always acted the way he said he would. The things he said he would do for that “break” (like walk around the mall for a little while, or go to a friend’s house and blow off steam) are all things I can easily deal with and not feel abandoned or anything else. Just so long as he doesn’t withdraw from me and refuse to talk to me about what is bothering him at all, or refuse to discuss the situation under any circumstances (which I seriously doubt will happen) we should be ok. I know he loves me and I love him. We work hard to keep our communication alive and working well. We have yet to have a real fight, which is great too! I think that has a lot to do with the fact that we can talk to one another and resolve things before they become so intense or stressful that one of us blows up. (Though I don’t think Ron blows up because he almost never yells, no matter what is going on.)

Sam mentioned being afraid of doing this trial thing, and feeling like she is betraying her family because “This is my dad. My flesh and blood. Though he was wrong, and is a bad person, I can’t get it out of my mind that he is my father” I can understand that, and for her, this must be one of the most difficult aspects of the whole thing. He is her father, and despite everything he has done to hurt him, there is a part of her that still loves him just because of who he is. That has to be so very confusing and painful all by itself. All I could tell her was that I realized that and I understood how hard it is to stand up to one’s parents, but that in this case, she is doing the right thing. I also told her that if she truly felt she couldn’t do this (not just a momentary panic outbreak of fear talking) that I would put a stop to it. That I would not be at all disappointed in her or angry with her. I’m not sure why, but that seemed to really calm her down and she told me that she didn’t really want to stop prosecution if they choose to go forward, but that she is scared. So we talked about fear for a while, and pain, and a bunch of other stuff. She did a lot more of the talking than I did, which is the way it needs to work. But she calmed down a great deal, even smiled as she hugged me and thanked me. God I love this kid so much! I am so proud of her. She has dealt with so many things a kid should not have to deal with, and overcome so many obstacles in her young life. I just wish she could readily see her own strength and see just how great of a person she truly is. Maybe this final act of dealing with her father will help her to see that.

Please God let us make it through this and let justice be done. Please. After all these years, give Sam the justice she deserves.

She asked me how a person knows what is the right thing to do. I told her that most of the time the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do as well but that once it is done, a person will be glad they did it no matter how hard it was. This, sadly, is the truth. It seems that people are the most satisfied with themselves when they have achieved something that was very difficult to achieve, worked hard to get something they wanted or to succeed in their lives. The hardest fought battles bring the most complete satisfaction. Again I reminded her of the many things she has already successfully fought. Telling her that what she has already gone through was the worst part, and it was. Facing the memories, the intense pain, the soul deep fear and the mind numbing dissociation were all so very difficult for her. Recovering her self esteem and a larger belief in his being wrong than in herself was a completely uphill battle that she won. Realizing that despite the pain she has lived through, life was still worth living and succeeding it was hard for her. Learning to open up and love people, and let them love her without all her fear based anger defense mechanisms (fighting, attitude, rudeness..all designed to push people away so she couldn’t get emotionally hurt again) were extremely difficult to repair. Learning to trust again was hard. Learning to see the good things in life, and in herself was hard. Talking, in detail, about the things he did and how it made her feel was extremely difficult. All of those things combined are a lot harder to do than testifying. I reminded her that she had the same fear reaction when she prosecuted that kid in school for touching her inappropriately all the time and that she still managed to do it. That she remained calm even when the kids attorney accused her of misplacing her memories of her father onto this boy’s shoulders and responding with a calm “that’s not true” instead of immediately yelling at the lady or attacking her. Basically reminding her that she has testified in court before, and that she succeeded then. I told her very clearly that testifying again will not be as difficult as all the healing she has had to do. She had to agree when I listed all of that and more, that she has faced some very difficult things and that she has succeeded. Again I told her that to be scared is normal and expected and it’s ok. She was so grateful. When she left the room, I wanted so badly to just break down and cry. To scream..throw things, break something. Anything. Lose it completely. But I didn’t. I couldn’t because I knew she was still awake and she would hear and that if she did hear it, she would lose confidence in my ability to support her. Even now, a few hours later, my mind is still jumping from point to point, my heart still beating fast, and tears still brimming in my eyes. The thought “I can’t do this!” keeps forming in my head over and over. Though I logically know this is fear based. It’s not that I can’t do it, it’s that I am afraid to do it. I am afraid. God I hate being afraid. I am also so very angry! Angry that it took this long to even get someone to review her case carefully and without bias. Angry that she absolutely has to take the stand if it goes to trail because Mass is a backwards state. Angry that it happened. Angry that he has gotten away with it for 6 years. Angry that I was stupid enough to listen to the so called professionals when he started hounding for visitation after not seeing her for a year and a half. Even angrier that the court gave it to him and I was dumb enough to go along with it. Angry that it ever happened. Angry that he would do this to his own child. Angry that she has so much pain inside her. Angry that she had to live with this kind of pain. Angry that she lost her innocence at 5 years old. Angry that she stopped looking at the world with that wide eyed child’s amazed view when she was 5. Angry that her life has not been everything I had hoped it would be. I wanted so badly for her to be happy, and to grow up normally without being touched by such violence and pain. I wanted her to never have to deal with serious self doubts, suicide thoughts or anything else. But none of that happened. It was torn from her when she was 5 and her father thought it would be OK to have sex with her. Where the fuck did he ever get that idea? What a sick bastard! I once said that it was as if he had killed her, and it was. The child she was disappeared. She was replaced with this terrified, pain wracked wreck who couldn’t sleep, think or feel safe enough to go outside. Who couldn’t believe she was worth anything at all. For years she fought those demons, fought the nightmares, and she almost lost. It was that almost losing that gave her the courage she needed to finally face it all and heal it, to get on with her life and stop living in the past. To stop hiding. I am so very proud of her.

Mostly though, I am so very scared of what the near future will bring. If they prosecute, which I honestly hope they do, my life (and hers) is going to get so much more complicated and stressful. I just hope I am strong enough to deal with this. Please God give me the strength to help my daughter through this, please.

Ok I have to stop here before I lose my mind. I need to go do something else and concentrate on something else before I start obsessing over it and find myself unable to function or think about anything but all of this. It is truly a terrifying thing to face when one is facing placing their own child on a witness stand to prosecute their own father for rape.

I find myself thinking about the difference between a submissive and a slave. Everyone defines things so differently that it is so often confusing to the new people who are just learning about the lifestyle. People have a desire to describe themselves in as few words as possible, yet in BDSM that is impossible because of the fact that many people take the terms and just change the definitions to fit whatever they want it to. I do not understand the need to do this, though I suppose it could be because they like a particular word, or any other number of reasons. Anyway, a slave is very different from a sub, whether people wish to admit it or not. There is a difference in how a slave thinks, acts, expects and submits. A slave tends to think more along the lines of black and white. There is very little shades of gray. They do not seem to expect much leeway in the reaction of their dominant. By this I mean, if a slave is feeling ill and thus doesn't complete all their usual daily tasks, often they will expect the dominant to react with the usual punishment. A submissive may be more inclined to expect leniency from the dominant because they were ill. A slave thinks in terms of being owned, not submitting. To them, being in a collared relationship means they are owned, and often this translates into the statement that they do not have the "right" "choice" or "option" to walk out if the relaitonship goes bad. Also there is a level of acceptance of the dominant's behavior that seems alot more intense and widespread than many submissives would allow. For example, a dominant wants to bring in a third. A submissive may demand certain criteria be met before they allow ( yes, allow) such to occur, whereas a slave may say "It is not up to me, if this is what Master wants, so be it" and quietly accept this new change. To somet his kind of thought process is considered wrong or somehow brought out by abuse, but this is not neccesarily true. A slave thrives on the fact, absolute fact, that they literally have no control over the rlationship or what will occur within it, whereas a submissive often retains some level of control in the relationship. The thought process focuses solely on what would make the master/mistress happiest and how the slave can be most pleasing to them. Subs tend to think of themselves and their own pleasure in addition to the that of their dominant, slaves work very hard to put themselves second in all the things and their owners first. To them, this is what comes wiht being a slave and submitting completely.

A slave acts differently from a sub as well. If you listen to slaves talk about their behavior, they often speak of being quietly accepting, in control of themselves at all times, formal, and other such things. There seems to be more focus on how the slave behaves at any given moment, with less leeway. In many slave relationships, the slave is required to use an honorific at all times, and couldn't conceive of calling their master/mistress by any other name. Most slaves find yelling, tantrums, fits, or any other out of control behavior on the part of a slave to be reprehensible and deserving of severe punishment. Slaves put alot of emphasis on their behavior and how they react to their dominant. They hold themselves to a high level of self control. They require of themselves to have a pleasing demeanor as much as possible. They see no room for bratting behavior, any form of topping from the bottom, or any other form of manipulating the dominant. They look down on any behavior that is perceived as designed to force the dominant to meet a need of the slave, rather than the slave focusing on the dom's needs. A slave will strive for perfection from themselves in completing all the tasks their master/mistress gives to them, while still keeping an eye out for things that they were not specifically told to do, but think would please their owner if they did them. A slave is required to be very self sufficient and capable because they often have a lot of responsibility placed on them. Slaves often feel that a slave should not need to be micro managed by their dominant because this is not pleasing, unless of course the dominant likes to micro manage.

A slave's expectations from the dominant and the relationship are often very different from those of a submissive. A slave does not expect to have their desires met beyond their basic life supporting neccessities. When their dominant does do something for them, they see it as a gift, not a neccesity. Slaves tend to view things that many submissives expect in a relationship, as a luxury not a neccesity. This does not mean that a slave will accept being abused or treated like they are worthless, it just means they do not expect all the trappings that others expect from their relationships. (such as cuddling on demand, talking whenever the slave wants to talk, sleeping in a bed etc)

A slave submits differently from a submissive as well. Slaves will set no limits on their dominant's activities. They will not say that the dominant can't do a certain type of play or use a specific implement. They may tell the dominant that they do not like certain activities or implements but they do not ban the dominant from using/doing those things. They expect to be asked to do things they may not particularly like and they consider it as part of submission beacuse to them, submission is not about pleasing the slave, but about pleasing the dominant.

well I've lost my train of thought. Oh well..that's the closest I've gotten to this article in the last year. Maybe some day I will actually be able to finish it. Wouldn't that be nice.

Today was a good day overall. I did alot of housework, which is probably why my back is singing ava maria. But I feel like I accomplished something, so that is good. I played with Kyle for a while, and he really liked that. I did some research into what Nathan asked for for his birthday, and found the places where the stuff can be bought. I talked with the girls. Ate dinner, and got all the laundry done. Balanced the check book and did some cross stitch. Same old thing as yesterday I suppose. I didn't sleep well again last night, my back woke me up around 3 AM or so. Of course, Ron was awake and well we did the rabbitt thing again. I wonder if that is what is making my back hurt so much lately, all that sex? Who knows and I don't care if it is, I'm not giving it up. I enjoy it too much. I gues ROn is right and I am a slut, but he likes me that way so that's good.

The last couple of days have been better. We don't have the 3 yr old anymore which is actually a major relief to me. I like the kid, but boy does it ever increase the stress level to have two children under 5 in the same house! I was extremely offended by Rose's insistence that the boy be brought home to her beacuse she felt I would take my dislike of her out on the boy. I am not that shallow or cruel. But she can think what she wants. honestly, I think she is just trying to hurt Ron if she can. Apparently she gets into these cycles where she starts to feel guilty for everything she did in her marriage with Ron and apologizes to him. This apology is usually followed by some sort of blow up, within a week, that ends with her not speaking to Ron. So Ron's guess is that this shit with the 3 yr old is Rose's blow up since she apologized for everything she did wrong to him on New Year's Eve. I guess it is going to take me a while to get used to her cycles. Personally I just don't understand this woman, probably because I can't be that mean or manipulative, especially not to my kids.

Ron and I have done the rabbitt thing the last week. The space that had come between us while I was away is gone again, and we are once again talking easily, cuddling, flirting and all that. Back to normal, and it feels good. I had started to get very worried, but thankfully the space went away. Ron did explain how he was feeling that was causing him to be just a bit distant from me. I do understand those feelings, and have had similar feelings myself. But understanding it did not erase the nervousness that the space caused me to feel. Ron, of course, understood my nervousness. It is really a major relief to be in a relationship with someone who understands things as much as he does. Someone that does not accuse me of being irrational or stupid or any other number of things because my thoughts/knowledge does not always match my emotions. Ron knows that one can know mentally how something is, yet still feel differently anyway. He understands and accepts that emotions are not always logical and that they do not respond to logic sometimes. It's really nice to be in a relationship with someone who pushes me to be my best, while loving for me who I am anyway.

The kids are doing well and I for one feel alot better with Rachel here. She seems alot more relaxed here than she did when she was staying with her mom. I've found that I have gotten very protective of her adn that I love her very much. Her and I are growing closer. We talk alot and she tells me alot of stuff. I'm glad. :))

Somoene on icq today insisted on me sending them bondage pics of myself, which I told him I don't have any. He refused to believe me and started talking about how hard he was and stuff like that. I placed him on ignore so he went to the web site and sent me an email through the feedback form, telling me he wants the story of my first year as a submissive/slave. I did not respond. I get very uncomfortable with people like that. Why be so pushy? If someone says "no" why isn't that good enough anymore? I guess I just don't get it. I get online to talk to my friends and be friendly, not to cybersex people. Hell, I get jumped enough in real life that I don't need, desire or want cyber sex. It seems pointless to me somehow, real life is so much better. Though the request did get me to thinking about how my life has gone since I accepted Ron's collar. It has gone very well. Ron is not too strict with me, nor extremely lax. he lets me be myself including my sense of humor and brattiness. He enjoys both of those especially since they closely match his own and he loves sarcasm and verbal banter. He does not demand that I hide my intelligence, nor is he threatened by it. He does place rules on me, that I am expected to follow, within reason. He allows for some fluctuation due to my back, or the kids, but he does not allow me to just ignore those rules or blow off the tasks he sets for me. There are some rules that are not at all flexible and I know that. I know how far I can go and if I go further then I get in trouble. But I manage to keep to those limits fairly easily.

Today was a fairly quiet day. I did some laundry, cleaned the bedroom, paid the bills and tried to rest my back. I did not sleep well last night and was woken 3 or 4 times because my back was hurting and I had muscle spasms. So my pain level was fairly high today. I did alot of cross stitching today, and am hoping to get those ornaments finished within a couple of weeks. the designs are rather simple, and thus they are a bit boring so it is not as pleasant to stitch for long periods of time. The more complicated designs drive me nuts as well, but at least they are interesting to stitch. My friend Shelly told me that I stitch better than she does because the back of my projects are almost as neat as the fronts. Which is the way they are supposed to be. I can't say how hers look because I have only seen one of her projects and taht was years ago so I no longer remember what it looked like very clearly. I don't recall the back being real messy or anything. well that's about all I can think of tonight.

Well tonight was not a real good night overall. Ron's ex went home from the hospital today and the kids went to visit her. Of course the 3 yr old went too, which was good I know he was missing his mom. Anyway, the kids all came here for the night. We ordered pizza which made all the kids happy. Then Ron left to do an inspection at work. While he was out he called his ex's house to see if she needed milk or anything, she said yes, he bought it and dropped it off over there. Thus ensued a conversation about custody of Rachel. Ron had informed the ex that he was taking custody of Rachel back because he no longer considered the ex's house safe for the child due to drinking and drinking while driving. I agreed with this decision for those reasons and the whole emotional manipulation crap the ex puts the kids through. Personally I find it completely deplorable. The ex brought the subject up in front of her mom and her sister who were there to help her, most likely figuring they would back her up or somehow intimidate Ron into backing down. Ron did not and repeated the drinking/driving reasons for taking custody back. (which is a simple matter since legally Ron is the custodial parent of both his kids and the custody arrangement was temporary pending the child's safety with her mom) The ex's wife and mom looked quite uncomfortable at this reason since they had no idea that the ex had been drinking while in the accident that broke her legs, though alcohol was not a factor in the accident and the ex was not cited for drunk driving though her car was impounded. Anyway, Ron then left and returned home. He walked in to find my trying to find out why my son had bit the ex's son. I spanked my son for biting and made him apologize. I knew however that my son had to have been pushed into biting because he just does not randomly bite for no reason anymore and has not done so in at least 4 months. Turns out the ex's son had punched my son in the back. Having misread the time (vcr clock said 8:30 and it is an hour off) I ordered that both kids could go to bed. I was tired of the whining, they both seemed very tired and were whiney and cranky. I figured a half hour extra sleep wouldn't hurt either one of them. Just as the phone range and it was the ex demanding that Ron return her son to her and citing that Rachel told her I hated her guts (which I do as a matter of fact, though the hate is a fairly recent thing that came about because of the drinking and driving thing, I have no tolerance for such irresponsibility at all) and that I yell all the time and stuff like that. Basically making me feel that she felt/said (through implication) her son would not be safe with me. I however, did not know if these were new "stories" being told my Rachel, or just a repeating of old stories Rachel told the ex months ago. Either way, I became extremely hurt and frustrated by this shit. I felt that we had bent over backwards for this lady, in more ways than one. We've accomodated her constantly changing work schedule, allowed extra visits with the kids, allowed the temp custody arrangement (thus her chance to prove herself a fit and safe parent, which she failed to do), and more. Ron is always trying to help her out. Yet this woman is never fucking satisfied. personally I think she is very pissed that Ron got involved with another woman and is trying to cause trouble in the relationship. I remember him telling me a couple times that she asked to come back to him, and once he even considered it for the sake of the kids. But he ended up telling her no. From this I feel that she wants him back, and is pissed that she didn't get it. Anyway, I felt very frustrated and very angry. Rather than be grateful that she had people willing to help her during her recovery (which will be at least 2 months in a wheelchair, crutches after that and probably physical therapy) so she doesn't lose her son to the state, she insults the people caring for her son and helping her out. Biting the hand that feeds her. Same shit from her, different day I suppose. It feels to me like every three weeks there are accusations against me that are being attributed to Rachel's mouth. I really don't know if she tells new stories, or if the ex just throws an old complaint at me, but it still hurts. I try very hard to get along with his kids, and be their friend. It is not easy because there are times when, as the adult, I feel it neccesary to discipline/correct them for something and I don't feel safe doing so because I never know how this story will get interpreted by their Mom or how it will get re-told to her. It makes me very afraid to do anything with his kids, even be friendly. But if I don't make overtures to be friendly, I get accused of ignoring them and favoring my own kids. I want so desperately to just tell this woman to fuck off, but I don't. Because, like Ron, I know she will hurt her kids if I do. She tells the kdis things that are total fabrications, in the attempt to make them dislike their father, or to gain their sympathy. Things like "Your dad took you from me for no good reason" which is not true. It's a very difficult situation for the kids and for Ron. Ron has done a great deal over the past 6 years to help his ex, in the interest of keeping the peace so the kids don't get "hurt", but his ex does not return any of this and the kids have come to expect this as the proper treatment from their dad to their Mom. Some of this helped Rachel keep alive the hope that her mom and dad would get back together, to the extent that the divorce still hurts as much now as it did when it first happened. This made for a hellacious mess when Ron and I announced we were going to get married. I don't know what to say or do with his kids anymore, and I am very afraid to do anything. It really angers me that their mother treats them this way. I could name alot of examples and I've only been here a short while, I'm sure there are alot more situations that I am not aware of because I was not physically here. Sometimes I want to just run away rather than fight this woman because it is not a fight I can win. In her Kid's eyes I automatically lose because I am not her, and if I argue with her it will be me who is wrong no matter who or what starts it. It is extremely hard being the step mom in this situation, and the kids don't exactly help. Ron says we will talk with Rachel tomorrow to find out if the stuff her mom is still saying is from recent stories or old accusations that I have already adressed. I do not yell anywhere near as much as I used to. In fact, I've only raised my voice twice this week. and not once was it directed at her. Once was to be heard over a screaming 3 yr old..the other at my daughter for going off the deep end over something that didn't really matter that much.

I try very hard not to get frustrated, but I can't help it sometimes. I just want to slap this woman. She has made it blatantly obvious since I got here that she does not like me, resents my prescence in her kids' life and all that. She has not been nice to me at all, and even went so far as to complain to her kids that i ignore her when she comes in the house. Which I wasn't doing. I would say hello, she never asnwered me, so I stayed away from her figuring that is what she wanted. She tells Ron tonight that she gets upset because this used to be her house and it is hard for her to see someone else (another woman, me) living in it as "their" house. I really believe that the ex wants Ron back, maybe not for who he is, but to be closer to her kids, I don't know for sure why, but I do believe I am right. I just which she would stop hurting her kids and making their lives so much more difficult than they have to be. Maybe I should slap the bitch.

Oh well. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. It will certainly be queiter without the 3 yr old here.

It's been a hectic few days. We have an extra kid around the house this week, hopefully he won't be here much longer. It is a hell of a lot more work to have two children under 5 yrs old in the house. I finally got my luggage and spent time yesterday unpacking it all. Now I have extra clothes to wash, oh goody! Things still feel a bit "awkward" between me and Ron. I don't know for sure why but it's there. I think it might have to do with my having been gone for a week. That's long enough to start to adjust to my not being here, and now I'm back so maybe we're trying to get back into synch with each other. Or maybe we just need a good long intense play session. Who knows? I don't.

I finally got Dreamweaver to work for me and printed out the tutorial so I can do it without being connected to the net. It looks like this program will be a great deal of help to me in maintaining the web site. Now comes learning the darn program. LOL It shouldn't be that hard, I'm not exactly stupid, but sometimes new programs can be so intimidating. I really do hope it speeds up the time it takes me to update the site and makes it easier to manage it. HOpefully if it does these things, I will finally be able to work on my private site and get some of that stuff updated. I've wanted to add things to my personal site, like pics of me and my kids, but I haven't had much of a chance to do it yet.

I have decided to become active in the whole child abuse thing and see if I can't either force them to prosecute or change the laws so other parents do not get lied to like I did. It really pissed me off to find out taht I was being given lip service, and in turn lying to my daughter. I mean if they really didn't want to prosecute the case, why did they bother telling me they would? What a waste of my time and everything else.

I really can't think of much to blog about but I tried.

It was and is very much evident Ron and I feel the same way, but I think that was pretty obvious too.

Well I finally made it back home. Home, what a wonderful word that is, and it is truly wonderful to finally have a place that I can not only call my home, but feel that it is completely my home. I have searched for a long time for a place that I could feel at home in, and now I have it. It's amazing though that one doesn't always realize when they have found what they are seeking until they are removed from the situation. By going to Mass to visit family for a week, I realized just how much being here meant to me, and just how good it felt to be here. Realized that I had indeed found my home. While in Mass I missed Ron and Kimmie and the kids so much. I felt kind of lost and very much alone. I did not like those feelings at all. I also realized that the only place I wanted to be was wherever Ron, Kimmie and the kids were. They are my family and my home.

I know the few blogs I put up while I was there probably didn't make much sense, but I didn't have a whole lot of time in which to blog without someone looking over my shoulder and reading what I was typing. And it surely is a bad move to be writing things that would only result in causing an argument if my parents read over my shoulder. Alot of the time I spent up there, I was feeling very confused and very tired. I had forgotten how exhausting and exasperating my parents can be. I got the usual lectures and insults that I have come to expect, and though they don't hurt me as much as they used to, they do still make me feel sad. For the first time, I defended myself to my father and he didn't like it much. However, he did finally stop judging me long enough to finally listen to my reasons for the actions he disaproved of so strongly. He had to admit that I made the best choices I could in those situations. That amazed me. What would have amazed me even more is if he actually apologized for the last couple years of insults and judgements, but I was not expecting one, and he did not disapoint me in that area. He did not apologize. He did however express understanding of the choices I made, but even that understanding was a half assed backhanded insult/compliment mix. I found that I have done some more growing up in that I no longer let them affect me as intensely as they used to. I find it easier to let things slide with them. I guess I have accepted them for who and what they are, and in so doing have reached a point where I no longer expect them to change. I can't change them, I can't change the way they think or their preconceptions, all I could change was my reaction to them, and I finally succeeded. Sure the insults and disaproval still saddened me, but they didn't make me feel like a complete failure or anything like they used to. That is good. I suppose that means I have grown more secure in myself and don't need their approval as badly as I used to need it.

My daughter was very well behaved while we were in Mass. She was polite, helpful, and just wonderful company. Her behavior gave me a sense of vindication with my parents. I've lived with their disaproval of me as a parent, and their verbal insults of my parenting skills for so long that it was very nice to hear them say that she is a good kid and is turning out very well. They didn't exactly attribute her growth or behavior to my parenting skills, but I sure as hell did! LOLOL I don't need them to say it, it was enough for me to see the look of shock on their faces and the comments about how good Sam was because I've waited a long time to hear them say those things. I know who helped her get to where she is, so I didn't need to hear them attribute it to me, but it sure felt good to see them having to compliment her instead of telling me how bad she was. I spent many years defending Sam to her grandparents, and it was certainly nice to not have to do that anymore and to have her behavior back up every defense I have ever had to speak for her. They complimented her to her face, and I took those as silent compliments to my parenting skills because quite simply she learned alot from me as her mother, and I know it.

The really weird part about being in Mass for a week was how quickly my mother tried to treat me like I was 10 years old again or something. And it sure as hell didn't work. We didn't argue about it or anything, but I just simply continued to behave in my normal manner. It was very interesting watching them try to bite their tongues and prevent themselves from giving me a bed time, or telling me to be home at a certain time when I went to visit my friends or any other number of things a parent does with thier children. I am sure it was just as awkward for them since I was the baby of the family, the youngest child. It must be difficult for them to see me as the adult I am now, when they still view me as their child. I tend to have that same viewpoint with my children. In this respect my mother was right, I do understand everything she's ever told me about being a parent, now that I am one.

Well that's about it for now.

*smiles*

Guess all you want too my love....Me?....I know....you are my love....my friend....my soulmate....my life.....and I shall love you every day....till I pass from this world....and if I have any say about it....beyond that........I Love Thee....I Love Thee.............I Love Thee.....or was that not evident?

I am amazed at how much imprinting occurs on a person from the environment they are raised in and the people who raise them. I have easily slipped back into the bostonian mindset while I've been here. All the little ways of protecting my belongings while at the local mall, wathcing carefully for someone following me, or checking the backseat of the car before getting in, all those things. And the same reactions, responses and thoughts going through me when my parents talk or behave in a familiar manner. The ability to tune out their incessant sniping at one another. The ability to ignore their insults, at least outwardly, and appear to be accepting "constructive criticism" or "parental concern" when inside all I want to do is scream at them for bieng so judgemental and narrow minded people who can't accept someone taht does not meet their exacting standards and expectations from one moment to the next. It's exhausting and so sad. I find myself sitting here, feeling the way I did when I used to sneak a late night phone call to one of my friends to just talk to someone who accepted me for who I am by sitting here after they are in bed in order to blog. to vent. Knowing that this blog can't possibly judge me, and simply accepts everything I type into it. It's a nice feeling, rather stabilizing.

I learned that my parents have been married for 42 years already. I can't believe it. They almost always seem to be complaining about one another, and picking at each other, yet they have been together for that long. Is that becuase they were raised to so strictly believe that marriage was forever, no matter what? or is it because complacency has set in after such a long time making them believe they could not possibly be happy with someone else, or can't even see themselves will someone else? or has such a long time together made them feel that they must stay together because it's a habit? God, those are really sad reasons to stay married, to stay living with someone for such a long time. Maybe I am overly romantic and expecting too much from a long term relationship. Weathering storms and dealing with the many ups and downs of living is something people MUST do in order to have a marriage last more than a couple years. Life is not all roses and chocolate, sweet and pretty. Life is hard, dirty and downright cruel at times. A marriage must be able to withstand both extremees that life dishes out. But does it mean that the love has to be lost? God I hope not. Maybe I am flighty and idealistic, searching for a relationship that will keep the love and intimacy even when it is 40 years old, but I hope I'm not. I've heard of relationships lasting that long where the love was still so evident that it brought tears to my eyes. That is what I want. A relationship that keeps the love, support, caring and intimacy no matter what life throws at us. Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever knows what they are doing, or is it all a guessing game? I don't know but I hope that it isn't all a guessing game, because I suck at those. LOL