Another Week Goes By

Another week has gone by. Time just seems to fly by now that I have gotten older. I remember, as a kid, that it felt like time took forever and waiting a few weeks for something felt impossible. I guess this is something everyone has to deal with as they get older.

I have started to participate in my sub_den discussion list again. A friend of mine told me that maybe I kill the dicsussions because I give too much information in my replies, trying to cover all the bases, and thus leave people with nothing to reply too. I thought about that for a while and I think he was right. So I have been practicing not doing that, in the hopes that discussions will continue even after I post. I really disliked it that people seemed to stop replying other than to tell me how smart I am or some such. Many people over the past 11 years that list has been in operation have stated that they look up to me as a model slave (which makes me very uncomfortable) and as an expert on BDSM (which also makes me very uncomfortable). I am neither a model slave, nor am I an expert on BDSM.

I am the best slave I can be and I still make mistakes. I consider myself to be fairly knowledgeable about BDSM, but not an expert. There are many people out there who know a lot more than I do and have more varied experiences than I do. I've had 3 power exchange relationships, one that was abusive in part due to the situations around the relationship. My current relationship is now 10 years old and we will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in December. So I do not have a lot of experience with play partners, play parties or things like that.

I've enjoyed s/m and b/d activities ever since I became consensually sexually active. They've just always been part of my fantasies and sexual activities from the start. But engaging in play activities is not the same as having served multiple dominants in a collared relationship. Of the three real life collars I have worn, I would have to say the first one wasn't even a dominant, though he was my husband at the time (now ex-husband).  So I get uncomfortable when people hold me up as some sort of bdsm guru or something.

Ahhh well on to the real life stuff now..

The new school year has started here in the South Eastern US. I am still home schooling my son as I did last year. So far, so good! He has done pretty well with doing all of the work I assign him. Even better I have done pretty well at actually teaching him, rather than giving him a list of stuff to do and telling him "Go to it! Ask me if you need help". I am not proud of myself for dealing with it in this manner last year. Part of it was the major depression I was struggling with. As I got treatment for that, I got better at being more actively involved. When I got more actively involved, the better my son did. So this year I have decided to be as involved as I can be, while still making him do the work.

I've been surprised at my response to being more actively involved. I thought I would be bored out of my skull, but instead I find myself enjoying it. We have had many great conversation about history and science, and a couple times about math. We did his annual review last week. This is when a teacher (currently working, retired, or substitute teacher) reviews his work for the year and decides whether he did enough work to pass the grade. HE PASSED! Both my son and I were very very happy to hear that. Not only did he pass but the teacher (currently licensed teacher in our school district) had only one comment for improvement of my home school program; to make him read more. So now he is required to read a book for 1 hour a day and upon completion of the book provide a small book report as proof (for the school district) that he actually read it.

Master has added keeping the boy child's school work to my daily list of tasks. This was at my request, as a way to help me not fall behind or give up. So far, I am doing very well and am proud of myself. Even moreso, I am very very proud of my son!

Other than school starting up again, nothing else has really been going on. Someone posted a comment on an old post I made about BDSM and disability. Thank you for your reply Lee, I appreciate knowing that this blog is still read occasionally by someone other than my master. I agree that disability does not remove the fact that one is submissive or dominant. For me, it just changes how things get done and we have to be more creative about things sometimes.

Well, until next time, Be well and play safe!

A very good day

Today was a great day despite the fact that nasty thunderstorms and havnig a physician's assistant (PA) poking, proding and pressing at my back has caused my pain to be pretty high. First, I had my pain management appointment. The doctor's office has hired yet another new physician's assistant and today was my first time seeing her. I was very nervous because being a pain management patient is difficult even with a great doctor. It is not unusual for the doctors and PA's to assume you are a drug addict without even bothering to read your chart or getting to know you so when you show up at the office for your appointment they already have their minds made up about you and you are now at a disadvantage. Everything you say, your body language etc. are all closely watched for any sign that you divert your medications or don't really need them. I've had doctors tell me that I was too young to have such pain, that breakthrough pain doesn't exist, that its all in my head and more. Right, a broken pelvis is all in my head. But I was lucky this time. Denise, the new PA, is GREAT! She actually listened to what I had to say and when she asked what my diagnosis was and I told her failed fusion to the left SI joint resulting in a permanent compound fracture, she told me that this would cause a great deal of pain. I was very surprised! Usually I have to try and convince the doctors that a broken pelvis is very painful, but not with Denise.

It was a great visit and I look forward to working with her in the future. She was easy to talk to, she listened, and she knew what she was talking about. She told me that the reason my appointments were now down to every three months (instead of monthly) is because the office has me on the list of "safe" patients. Meaning they know I follow all the rules, take only what I am prescribed the way it is prescribed, that I am not in danger of becoming addicted, that I don't divert my medication and I won't divert it, basically that I am trustworthy. I already knew that about myself, but it was still very nice to hear that my doctor and PA know it as well.

While I was in the waiting room I was stitching, like I usually do. I met a wonderful older woman named Grace. She comes from Panama and she used to stitch a lot. She can't do it anymore due to her health. She apparently has a lot of patterns that were passed down in her family from her grandmother and mother. She wants to give them to me because she could see how much I enjoyed stitching and she wants the patterns to go to someone who will enjoy them. I was so very touched by this! I will definitely treasure those patterns and probably stitch a bunch of them.

After the appointment I was hurting pretty badly thanks to the physical exam and the thunderstorms that are moving through the area. So I took a short nap, which helped a little. Master comes home tomorrow. I can't wait! I have missed him so much! The house always feels so empty when he is not here. I haven't heard from him yet today but I'm not too surprised. The person who set up his reservations screwed up and his hotel room was booked only until this morning. The hotel is also overbooked so he couldn't just add the day like he wanted to. Luckily a friend and co-worker is at the same symposium as him so he will share his room with master. I can't wait for him to get home tomorrow. I am expecting that when he gets home we will go into our room, close and lock the door and just spend some time together. Neither of us sleep well when we are apart so I am really looking forward to having him back in bed with me.

Due to the increased pain today I haven't done much because I know master would have ordered me to rest and take it easy. His number one rule for me is to not do anything that would hurt my back more. So when I am hurting real bad, I am supposed to take it easy. I am hoping I will feel better tomorrow so I can get some stuff done before he gets home.

All in all a very good day!

Daily Power Exchange

So many people think that a daily power exchange must be full of rituals, strict requirements, and such. This is true of some relationships, but not all of them. My relationship is a bit more laid back, in part because we still have children in the home. With kids in the house, rituals have to be fairly circumspect. For example, master can not require that I meet him at the door naked, collared, and kneeling when he comes home from work. Its just not the thing to do with kids in the house. But master does have some requirements that could fall under "daily rituals" such as the 20 minutes alone in our bedroom when he gets home from work. Most often we take those few minutes to cuddle with each other and just talk to one another, or tease each other. Sometimes there is a spot of play or we make love.

Day and in day out power exchange is pretty much like any other relationship, we have our routines and tend to follow them. So certain things are just done without an order needing to be given. Master has gotten back to sending me a daily email with a list of tasks he wants me to complete that day. With my health issues there is not always a lot of things on that list, and sometimes it consists solely of "take it easy". Since my last post the emails have continued, and I have done the tasks given to me. My depression has gotten much better with the new antidepressant (thankfully!), which has made a major difference in how I feel and how well I can tolerate and handle my chronic pain. I'm still constantly surprised by the differences in those areas (now compared to 2009). I know that eventually I will get used to feeling so much better and feeling that way will become normal again. Until that happens I will probably continue to be amazed at how much better I have been feeling in so many areas.

Last week master and I spent the night at a lake because friends were vacationing in Florida and had rented a beautiful log home on the lake. We arrived Thursday night (the 10th) and had a blast just talking and joking with our friends. The next day they went tubing on a river and I stayed at the house on the lake because I didn't think my back would be able to handle me being stuck in an inner tube for 3 or 4 hours, unable to shift position when I need to. I didn't mind as I had brought my stitching and crochet with me, as well as a good book. I enjoy having time alone occasionally but with 6 people living here, I don't get time alone very often. So I spent Friday the 11th by myself. It was WONDERFUL! I read a book, did some stitching, sat at the dock with my feet in the water just listening to the sound of water lapping against the dock, the sounds of birds singing and watching people water ski on the lake. It was wonderful and I felt more rejuvenated afterwards, like I had recharged my flat batteries.

We've been working on the yard trying to get the leaves all raked up and the weeds mown down. There is a lot of sand in the soil around here (very close to the beaches) so we don't have a lush lawn of grass. Instead we have patches of grass and weeds. I've been able to do some of the work provided I go slowly, take breaks to gauge the increase in pain level, and stop when I hit a 6. I am also back to doing housework regularly so the house is neater and cleaner, things are also better arranged (budget, meal planning etc) and easier to keep up with stuff like laundry . Most of the tasks master assigns me have to do with those daily activities. He has learned that unless I am in a pain crisis, I can still move laundry even if I am in a lot of pain. It only requires me to turn the machine on, add soap, and throw in some clothes. It only takes a couple of minutes and can be done even if I am hurting badly. So laundry is quite often a daily task.

With the lightening up of my depression, my sex drive has also returned. So in the past 2 months or so (since my last post) we have played a few times and made love more often. It feels great to be myself again and master is very pleased with me.

Master is in Denver this week for his job's continuing education attending a symposium. So he gave me a general list of things I am supposed to do while he is gone. The first thing, as always, is not to push myself and cause a pain crisis. I miss him so much when he isn't here. I have a hard time sleeping because the bed just feels huge and empty. He also has a difficult time sleeping when he is away from home and for the same reason; when he is away I am not there. We've been talking a lot on the phone and hoping the week goes by quickly. It seems to be doing so because it is already Wednesday, which means he will be home in 2 more days YAY!

Well that pretty much catches this blog up to today. Thank you for reading and leaving comments, I do enjoy reading them!

Oh the repayment for a spot of fun

Master and I went out on a date on the 28th. I spent most of the next week paying for it. We went out to dinner and then raided the book store as we both love reading. My lower back was very very upset by this and hurt like hell. I ended up spending 3 days mostly in bed to try and get it to calm down. When it finally calmed down my period showed up, which is always accompanied by increased pain in my back and pelvis due to cramps and bloating. And now I am sick. Oh yay!

Master has continued daily emails with tasks in them and I've done the best I could, but many of them have had to slide because I was stuck in bed with extreme pain. I did move laundry though after the first two days in bed (I think..this head cold is making it hard to think LOL). Sadly Master woke up sick today and is not feeling good either. Oh well.

Here's hoping next week is a better week.

Daily PE

Master has continued to push and I am loving it. Emotionally and mentally I find myself a lot more relaxed, at peace with myself, and a lot happier when the PE is active between us. I understand that sometimes life gets in the way and the PE has to take a back seat for a little while, but when that goes on for too long I end up feeling a bit lost, confused, and anxious. Like something is missing and I start searching for what it might be. He says that he also feels happier and more at peace, which is wonderful!

I continue to feel much better and no longer depressed. I have managed to do everything that master has set as tasks so far this week and then some. The house is much cleaner, more organized and things are getting done regularly. Master says he feels more relaxed when he gets home now, less stressed and that just makes me feel wonderful!

Ebb and Flow of Control

The ideal of power exchange is that it is always "on". There is never a down time, or a period where the PE must take a back seat while the people deal with other issues or because the people involved are just tired. The reality is that sometimes the obvious measures of control do take a back seat or do become quieter for a while.

In my life there are a lot of issues to deal with on a daily basis. We have children, bills, health issues (mine and his), relatives living with us and a toddler among them. Master has a very stressful job as well. Due to those issues there are times where control becomes very subtle or fades all together. This doesn't mean that we do not know who is in charge, I just mean that things like calling me on not completing a task that day and things like play have to take a back seat. There are times where I was awake for 2 or 3 days due to pain and then I finally crash. When that crash occurs, master lets things slide until I catch up with my sleep and the pain settles back into its more normal levels of annoyance.

This can become very frustrating. Even though I understand why it happens, it doesn't change the fact that occasionally my emotions get all confused because of it. When this occurs we end up talking about it and going from there.

We are currently in one of those talking phases now. My pain has been higher because the radio frequency procedure has worn off. Master sends me emails every day with tasks in them, but he decides whether or not to punish for them not being done when he gets home and sees the situation for that day. Days where he comes home and I am in bed due to pain, or sleeping because I was awake for 3 days, or just stressed to the max because the 2 year old was cranky that day, are days where he lets it slide. Sadly, those are happening fairly frequently because of my pain level being higher and thus my mobility is lower. The pain puts a lot of stress on us, and he puts my health and well being before everything. I understand this and I appreciate it a great deal, but that doesn't stop me from having the occasional (and very normal human reaction) negative reaction.

I can only imagine how frustrating this has to be for master as well. Wanting things done a certain way and finding they can be done one day, but not the next, has to be annoying to him as well. Or wanting to play and not being able to because I hurt too much. I feel bad because I know, whether he admits it or not, that my problems must frustrate, annoy, or even downright piss him off on occasion. He is human and has normal human responses. He is an understanding man and he knew what he was getting in to when he collared me and he accepted those limitations. But even when one knows and accepts a situation, they can still have moments where they get frustrated. He has told me in the past that he does occasionaly get frustrated, so I am sure it occurs. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.

No matter what is going on, I know that he loves me and that I do my best to continue to do things for him as much as I physically can. I just wish I didn't have the chronic pain that I have so that I could do more for him. But having an understanding master is just wonderful!

There is a side effect of such a situation for me. I get used to not getting in trouble for not getting all my tasks done and then occasionaly just shrug it off as no big deal, as they don't really matter. When I realize I have been doing this I feel guilty and I realize I have been doing that lately. Not every day, but some days. It is really hard to get back to doing things after I have spent a year in deep depression with no desire to do anything at all. Now that my new anti-depressant is working I have more desire to do stuff and am slowly working at getting back on my feet and doing more.

Well that's it for me. Play safe and have fun!

The Joys Of Play!

I enjoy bdsm pain play activities. I enjoy subspace, but I also enjoy having pain play without achieving subspace. Sometimes I just crave the pain. There is a difference between pain caused by an illness or injury and pain caused by such a scene. My desires for a good spanking had started to ramp up the last couple of weeks, but with the increased back pain we couldn't do anything. Well yesterday I watched some spanking videos and this aroused me and my needs. Last night master and I did some playing and made love. By the second hit I was floating in subspace. Oh it was wonderful!

My nipples and other parts are still sore today but man oh man was it worth it! It satisfied my need for play, but not my need for non-subspace play. That kind of play is harder to do in a house with 6 people because I end up crying and usually fairly bruised, as well the play itself is noisy as he sometimes uses a hairbrush or flogger instead of the cane (which is quieter). Hopefully we will be able to satisfy this need soon.

Today was a decent day. My pain level is up due to playing and fisting last night (which always makes my pelvis hurt, which is why we don't do it very often). Despite the increased pain its been a good day. I had my doctor's appointment, am scheduled for radio frequency diagnostic next Wednesday and I got to drive my Mustang! YAY! I also did some stitching at the doctor's office. I love how, after we play, I am always in a good mood the next day. I feel more relaxed, mentally and physically.

Well that's it for me. Until next time, play safe and have fun!

Thoughts On BDSM, Relationships, Submission etc. and My Self

I wrote an essay about the Common Myths of BDSM back in 2005. I posted it in this blog (you can view original post here if you want.) I got a comment, which of course was written anonymously, on that old post. I get such a kick out of people who post such attacks, they always do so anonymously. Maybe that’s because their attack of another human being’s personal relationship choices is not Christian and they know it. Christianity teaches “Love thy neighbor whether you agree with them or not”, though sadly it seems more accurate to say that it gets taught this way more often “love they neighbor  only if they think and act just like you, otherwise attack at will!”

I realize that some people think these same thoughts when reading a blog such as this one, or the web site that I maintain. I am choosing to answer each point raised. Not to attack the original poster back, but with the intention of teaching those who read this and hopefully increase tolerance and understanding of the various relationship styles which exist in this world.  

Anonymous said: master slave relationship? are u sure ure talking about relationship and not just fucking losing ur choice on ur own.i read up the whole article but i still i can't consider you more than a doormat.
u have lost that choice of being yourself...in not only supporting ur "master" in what is wrong but also inenhancing that wrong doing.
 hurting urself physically or emotionally doesnt excuse ur faults but only makes it more obvious...
im not sure ur a believer of god ... because god doesnt allow these pains inflicted on a body he created...
or maybe ur just trying to accept the whole situation because ur "master's" sins wont be forgiven, ...
ur just not another body ... u maybe thinking ... as you said ... but only about him.giving in to his wants it not giving in to his sadist nature. but obsessive thinking is not the right process thoughts.
are ua christian? 'giving' is christianities first need.But not giving up ur life and ur thoughts. or for that matter ur body
pain is not A solution to ANYTHING
BETTER YOU DIE CUZ UR JUST INCREASING THE SIN BAG OF UR LOVING "MASTER"

(Italics are to separate the commentator's words from my own)

Commenter:  Do I consider this a relationship?

Yes I do. Dictionary dot com defines relationship as:

1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.

Our relationship fits all of the above in that we have a strong connection emotionally, mentally, and physically. We are married and we certainly have sex. So yup, I consider this a relationship.

Commenter:  Are you sure you’re talking about a relationship and not just losing your choice? (and doormat comment)

Yes I am quite sure. I entered into this style of relationship with full knowledge of what I was doing and why. My submission is given freely. It was not forced nor taken against my will through domestic violence or abuse of any kind. I still make many choices on my own every single day. Master and I do not engage in micro-management as it is not something that works for either of us. I do not have to have his permission to leave a room, change clothes, etc. I make decisions regarding children, my health, budgeting, and more every single day. Just because I keep his preferences in mind when I make those choices does not mean that *I* am not making the choice. It just means that I have an extra consideration involved in the process of choosing. It is not any different from a vanilla relationship where the wife chooses to wear a specific outfit because she knows her husband likes it the best. I just keep his preferences in mind for all the choices I make.Yes he has final say in everything and can veto a choice I make and I would obey him. But this does not negate the fact that I do continue to make my own choices.

As for the doormat comment: Anyone who knows me knows I am far from a doormat who blindly obeys any order given by anyone, has no thoughts/opinions/feelings of my own and lets everyone walk all over me. Being submissive does not make me a doormat. It takes strength to submit one’s will to another in a consensual healthy way. I am free to form my own opinions, think anything I want to think (or anything that just pops up for that matter LOL), and act in whatever way I choose to. Just like anyone else I have to consider the repercussions of my actions. I just have an added repercussion in the form of my master should I choose to do something I know he will not like. Everyone considers how their actions will affect their partner in any relationship. The difference is in how much weight is given to the partner's preferences over one's own.

 Commenter: You have lost that choice in being yourself.

 Actually I have done the opposite. For many years I struggled to fit into my parents’ ideas and society’s ideas of “normal”. This caused me to suppress large parts of who I am because they didn’t fit in with that ideal. By finally choosing to enter into an m/s relationship I am finally free to express all of who I am, suppressing nothing. I have always had a submissive personality, always wanted to please others and always doing things for others because it makes me happy. Before I knew about bdsm and healthy submission those traits helped me get into a lot of trouble and make unhealthy choices. Now that I understand submission better (and understand myself better) I am free to be all of who I am and do it in a healthy way. So lose myself; not at all. I found myself and I can’t describe accurately how wonderful it feels to finally be all of who I am instead of constantly trying to make myself fit someone else’s idea of who I should be. 

Commenter: "in not only supporting ur "master" in what is wrong but also inenhancing that wrong doing."

Response: This is a matter of opinion. I do not see our relationship as wrong because it is what works for us. I am healthy and quite happy.

Commenter: "hurting urself physically or emotionally doesnt excuse ur faults but only makes it more obvious..."

Response: I do not hurt myself physically or emotionally. In fact my relationship with master has done the exact opposite, it has strengthened me emotionally and physically. He supported me while I did a great deal of work on myself healing from an abusive relationship. As I went through the process of putting myself back together. He did not tell me how to do this other than to urge me to see myself in a positive light rather than a negative one.

I have faults and am quite aware of them. I strive to improve those faults. Some of them can be changed and others can’t. Master accepts me for who I am, faults and all. My master helps me while I work at correcting my faults through support and guidance. His goal for me is to see me be healthy, happy, strong, and all those good things as the person I am.

The commenter then goes on to bring up religion, Christianity and how God would not accept sadomasochism or submission as healthy. (for reason of space I’m not going to copy the entire section, scroll up if you want to re-read the last bit before reading my reply.)

I consider myself religious in so far as I do believe in a god. I was raised Catholic. BDSM and my desires for bdsm and my submissive personality were not the reasons I rejected that specific religion. I won’t get into all the reasons why I rejected it as those are too personal but I will say that I do believe in a god. I believe in treating others the way you would want them to treat you. I believe in caring for others. As for God accepting pain play activities, I believe he does and my logic is fairly simple. Sadomasochism is not new. Human beings have been engaging in such activities for thousands of years. Since God created all human beings, he created all varieties that exist within human nature; good and bad. Since he created them, he must accept them or they wouldn’t exist. 

I do not agree that a person can say “God created everything” and then say that He doesn’t accept the very things He made. Though this seems to be a prevalent belief among many religious people. This specific hypocrisy was one of the reasons I rejected Catholicism. Here is an example from my experiences: I was taught that a good woman does not enjoy sex and if she does then she is a sinner in God’s eyes and is unredeemable. This bothered me because God made the human body and the female body contains a clitoris. The entire purpose of the clitoris is to achieve orgasm, thus causing great physical pleasure and enjoyment of sex. God wanted people to procreate and one way to ensure that happened was to make sex enjoyable because, quite simply, if it didn’t feel good we wouldn’t do it and we wouldn’t procreate. If God didn’t want a woman to enjoy sex, he wouldn’t have created the clitoris in the first place.)

I could start providing quotes from the bible that support submission, corporal punishment and sex between spouses as there are many appropriate ones to be found. However, I do not want to get into a religious debate and providing such quotes will do just that.  

commenter: ur just not another body ... u maybe thinking ... as you said ... but only about him.giving in to his wants it not giving in to his sadist nature. but obsessive thinking is not the right process thoughts.

I am quite aware that I am not just another body. I am quite aware that my needs, wants, likes, dislikes, desires, etc. also count. My master is also quite aware of these things and wouldn't have it any other way. Part of getting into a healthy relationship (regardless of bdsm-style or not) is finding someone you are compatible with. Finding someone whose beliefs about relationships are similar to your own. Within bdsm this means finding someone whose opinions and beliefs on bdsm topics and play are a close match to your own. In any relationship the people involved will do things for their partner for varying reasons (make them happy, just because they want to etc.). This also occurs in a power exchange relationship. My master doesn't just give orders or make rules based solely on himself. He takes into consideration my wants, needs, etc. before making his decisions; same as occurs in many vanilla relationships. I know my master always keeps my best interests at heart. We've been living together and married for just a little under 10 years. If he were an obsessive, overbearing, selfish boar I would not still be here.

 I have had similar comments sent to me via e-mail during the 13-14 years I have been online.  At first such comments would send me into a mental tailspin. I would start questioning myself, my choices, my needs/wants/desires …everything.  This tailspin was caused by low self-esteem, emotional baggage, fear, and lack of confidence/trust in myself. As I learned more about bdsm in general, and myself specifically my self-esteem and confidence grew. These comments no longer send me into a tailspin, nor cause me to question my choice to submit within a healthy consensual m/s relationship. Instead they provide me with an opportunity to discuss the various points raised in an effort to educate others. My intention is not to convert anyone into doing bdsm/power exchange if they feel it is wrong for them. My intention is to increase understanding and tolerance of power exchange relationships and bdsm activities as the healthy expressions of self that they are for me and many others.

There are many more points that could be made, more examples given, and more thorough exploration of each topic that was raised; but I chose to give just basic information as I knew this would be a long post anyway. I am definitely long winded *laugh*.

Found a Distraction

I posted earlier about struggling to keep myself distracted so that I don't overdo it physically and make my back/pelvis hurt more than usual.Well I accidentally found a way to keep myself from doing too much and breaking master's #1 rule; injure a knee and be stuck off your feet. LOL

I didn't do it on purpose or anything, but two days ago my foot got tangled in the power cord for the fan in our bedroom. This caused me to fall and I landed real hard directly on my right knee. Ohmygosh did that ever flipping hurt! And here I thought my chronic pain was bad, this made it seem like nothing more than a stubbed toe! As a result my knee is swollen and quite painful. So far the only thing that seems to help it is to stay off my feet and apply ice off and on throughout the day. I can bend it and walk on it so I'm sure I didn't break anything, but I definitely bruised it real bad. So I spent today mostly in bed icing my knee and trying to sleep, which I failed at. Since it is 4:57AM it is obvious I still haven't been able to sleep.


Not the best distraction, not an intentional distraction, but it certainly works as a distraction from the increasing need to do more.

I am still working on my response to the points raised by an anonymous commenter to this blog. Hopefully I can get it posted soon!

Wednesday

Today was an odd day. I have felt "off" all day. Probably because I was up all night and was expecting my brother to have a major surgery today. Master took him to the hospital but apparently while I was asleep he called to be picked up so my SIL picked him up. The doctor decided, after my brother was all prepped for surgery, that it didn't need to be done right away since my brother isn't having pain in his legs. So they sent him home. This, of course, wasn't what I was expecting to happen today and I was all set for surgery, visiting at the hospital and recovery and instead, none of it happened, so things feel a bit off.

I slept from 10AM to 1:45PM which doesn't help that feeling of things being off a bit LOL

There was no email today because Master was very busy as work with loads of running around outside of the office. But that's okay because he had told me last night what he wanted me to do today. He ordered me to take it easy because I was in a great deal of pain last night (which is partly why I was awake all night) and it was supposed to rain today which always makes me hurt more. So today was a "take it easy" kind of day.

Something interesting did happen though. I posted last night for the first time in a year in this blog. When I connected my yahoo IM to chat with my daughter (possibly..as she is away for a few weeks) I got a message from another slave. She had apparently found my blog and liked what I had posted, so she contacted me via IM. I've spent most of the afternoon chatting with her. She seems like a very nice woman and we have many things in common. We have experienced similar issues in relationships in our lives, we have similar hobbies (she likes to crochet, as do I), she is disabled and is the same age as me. Her master will be moving in with her next week and I wished her well. She sounds so very happy and excited about it! I wish them both well and hope that their relationship brings them both a lot of joy! So now I have a new friend to chat with and that will be cool.

I went over my son's school work (I homeschool him) today, started 1 load of laundry and emptied the trash under my computer desk but that was it. Mentally I want to do so much more now that the depression has lifted but right now I know I physically can't or I will end up in a pain crisis. I hate when this happens because it is very frustrating to have the conflicting desires battling it out in my head. I have a lot more energy (physically, mentally and emotionally) and this makes me want to do more things but I know I can't. So I've been trying to keep myself busy mentally and distract my mind from the things I can't do right now. Hopefully I will get the radio frequency redone in April or May, and then I can start doing more physically.

When master came home from work, we sat and chatted about his day for a little while. I really enjoy those few moments alone with him but we don't get them uninterrupted very often. Our niece, who is 2 years old, lives with us and if we close our bedroom door she gets upset. She'll knock on the door, try to open it (we have to lock it), yells our names and cries. I feel so guilty when I have no choice but to go to bed and close the door because it upsets her. I don't like scaring or worrying her, which me going to bed during the day does to her.

She wants to spend time with master and I, specially when master first comes home. She doesn't like it when I have to sit in bed duriung the day, instead of in the living room where she can get in my lap or easily get my attention. So when I have to go to bed, she screams and cries. I try not to show my pain around her as it scares her and I don 't want to scare her. But soemtimes I can't help it. If the broken bones in my SI joint rub together or pop/snap/grind it sends a sharp pain shooting through me that I don't expect which will cause me to cry out. She loves me, so she worries when that happens. Though it is really sweet and cute when she insists on someone taking her into the kitchen so she can get me an ice pack for my back. She'll give me a hug and a kiss and say "all better?". She is so cute!

Oh! There was one more thing I did today. I started an essay. Yesterday, before I posted, I went through the comment this blog has received and deleted all the spam ones. I came accross a comment that was posted anonymously (of course) attacking me, my master, and our lifestyle choices on the basis of religion. I didn't delete the comment either as that would be unfair. People who post their opinions in response to my posts have every right to air their opinion whether it agrees with my choices or not. Anyway, this made me think for a few moments and I typed my thoughts into MS Word, which of course resulted in the beginning of an essay. Hopefuly I will get it done soon and post it.

Well that was pretty much it for my day. My pain is up to an 8 so I'm going to go to bed and do some stitching!

Today's Happenings

Master has gone back to sending me emails every work day. These emails contain my tasks for the day. Today's tasks were to pick up the bedroom a little bit and move some laundry. I did both. I also did a bit more. I did some picking up in the dining room, including clearing and cleaning the table for dinner, sweeping the floor and I folded some laundry including all the towels. I also did some picking up from the master bathroom and living room. When my pain went up I stopped so I wouldn't over do it.

I've spent the last couple hours stitching in bed. I figured I would take a break from stitching and post in this blog. I am trying to increase my activities but I do have to be careful and not move too fast.



I enjoy getting a task email from him daily, even though my chronic pain makes it difficult for me to do a whole lot, having those few things to do assists in keeping my submissive side alive. The radio frequency procedure has worn off, so my daily pain level has gotten higher. With the higher pain level, my mobility decreases but I am trying to keep moving as much as I can. Since Master's number 1 rule for me is to not push my back or in any way hurt/harm myself, I have to be careful. It doesn't take much to increase my pain level. This effects me in different ways with the biggest being feeling uselessand feeling that I do not satisfy or please him as much as I want to. I try to remember that he will let me know if he is not pleased and that he will not lie to me by telling me he is pleased when he isn't. But that can be difficult to believe, specially when I am stuck in bed for a few days, or when my pain level will not allow me to play or make love. I am my own worst enemy and do a great job of mentally yelling at myself for the things I have percieved as having been wrong. I have gotten better than I used to be, but I do still come down on myself more than I should. This is something I continue to work on.



I consider myself very lucky to have such an understanding Master. One who doesn't demand that I do things that I can not physically do. One who doesn't demand I hurt myself or tell me I am useless, no good, and that he wants another slave because I am disabled. Sadly there are people out there that are not willing to be in a relationship of any sort with a disabled person and I find that to be very sad. I understand that people all have different wants, needs, likes, and dislikes, and what works for one person doesn't work for another but personally I find that such an attitude (disabled people are not relationship worthy type attitude) speaks volumes about the kind of person they really are. It is not a good thing in my opinion either.



It has been over a year since I have written in this blog. I am sorry about that, but it couldn't be helped. I spent most of last year in a deep depression. It ate up everything! I didn't want to write, stitch, or anything else. I did not realize just how bad it had gotten until after my father passed away last June (2009). I asked my doctor to change my medication and it took a while to get it done. I've been on the new medication for about 2 months now and I feel ever so much better! I no longer want to just sit in a chair staring at the TV and doing nothing that I am not directly ordered to do. I have more energy, I sleep better, and I am enjoying things again! It feels marvelous!



I am hoping to post to this blog at least once a week, if not more often. The goal for this blog was to give readers an idea of what living in a 24/7 m/s relationship could be like. I understand that everyone's relationship is different but I wanted to help people to realize that an m/s relationship still has to deal with all the regular every day stuff a vanilla relationship must deal with. I thought that in order to show this it would be a good idea to blog about my relationship with my Master.

Until next time, play safe and have fun!