You Never Stop Learning

Master and I have lived together for 12 years now, and we are still quite happy with each other. In the past couple of months we both put a little more emphasis on making the power exchange a bit more blatant in our relationship. It had sort of fallen into the background. It wasn't dropped or anything, but due to my being bedridden for 2 years, with extremely high levels of pain and severely curtailed mobility there just wasn't a whole lot of blatant stuff going on. I mean I still handled the things I could do in the manner that master prefers. I still referred to him and he continued to have final say on everything. There just wasn't a lot of daily requirements such as tasks or him requesting service such as my getting his dinner plate, or a drink of water. This occured because I could no longer stand or walk for more than 2 minutes when the changes in my pain levels first started (summer 2010). Over that first year it progressed to my being able to stand for 5 to 7 minutes, but no longer than that. This was very distressing for both of us and of course the situation brought on one of the most severe bouts of depression I have ever gone through.

In my last entry I mentioned how my doctor had switched me to Cymbalta and how it was positively affecting my pain, depression, and my life. It has continued to help me a great deal which has allowed me to develop a social life again! YAY! I'm still working on the "scene reports" (for lack of a better description) of my experiences as the Fall Ball. I have all the basics down and am working on filling in the details, once it is complete I will post it in a series so it isn't a single entry that is 20 pages long LOL

I made new friends with the leaders of our local munch group (as well as some of the members) and thanks to the lower pain level (which increased my mobility again) I started going over to visit Skyclad Mistress a few times a week. I went swimming in her apartment complex pool multiple times. We went shopping together for dresses and lingerie for the Fall Ball, and lots of other fun things. Basically I started having a more normal social life again and it feels fantabulous!

With the relief of much of my depression's symptoms, and the lowering of my pain levels, master and I started talking about ways to once again make the power exchange more blatant in our relationship. As my symptoms improved, I am once again able to do more things around the house without hurting myself or causing a pain crisis. Master is choosing to move slowly with re-implementing service, tasks, play etc. so my physical strength and tolerance can grow and I'll have less chance of a setback. Two years of being mostly bedridden does a number on the strength of one's muscles. Anyway part of this includes writing in my journal again, the written notebook, on a daily basis.

As a result of writing in the journal, and having talks with master we have grown a bit over the last few weeks. It crossed my mind a little bit ago that we have both discovered new things about each other in these last few weeks. This realization caused me to start thinking of how people say things like "you learn something new every day" and other phrases in a similar vein. Master and I have had our issues and rough patches over the past 12 years, just like any couple will have, with the last two years being fairly rough due to my health; but we still have a close bond with each other and can still discover new things as well as continue to grow. What I am finding is that my fear that those two years would result in us growing apart did not come true. Instead we have grown closer together and have learned better means of communicating with each other. I think this is just wonderful because communication is so necessary for bdsm relationships (well any relationship really, but definitely with a bdsm one). With good communication disagreements or arguments don't occur as often and the people involved in the relationship get their needs met more easily. There are apparently always ways to increase good communications skills within a relationship, even one that is 12 years old. :)

I find it nice that even after 12 years together, we still aren't bored with each other and continue to grow as separate people AND as a master and slave and as a couple. We have had some really great talks in the last few weeks and have demonstrated that growth with each other. So now I have another thing to be very happy about thanks to the Cymbalta easing both my pain and my depression. Not only do I get a social life back, go out at least a few times a week, attend parties/munches/events, but I also have a deeper level of trust and intimacy with master again, like we used to have. Some of it kind of stalled during the last 2 years while I was bedridden most of the time. We are once again able to share our thoughts, feelings etc. with each other more readily and openly because the depression is a great deal less severe in me.

I am grateful for the return of a social life, but I am even more excited about and grateful for the ability of master and I to begin growing with each other (while enjoying each other in lots of ways--including the deliciously evil ones LOL) and once more having our m/s relationship be more active and thus grow as well.

Of course being able to play again and make love more frequently doesn't hurt either *wink*

Things are looking much better!

Returning To This Blog

I last wrote in this blog back in March of this year (2012). In that entry I discussed how the power exchange between master and I was different from what I was accustomed to and trained to in the past. We had recently talked a great deal about these things and I found that my decision to let go of my expectations (based on past experiences) turned out to be exactly the right thing to do.

Sadly my depression continued to worsen, as my constant level of pain remained very high (between a 7 and 8 as the normal constant level with spikes to 9 and 10 regularly) as well as my ability to move around remained extremely low. Master did continue to make service type requests of me (such as getting him a glass of water) if my back allowed it, sadly this did not happen very often. Not because he did not want to request service (he did want to; very badly even!) but because I physically could not do it. As a direct result of the constantly high levels of pain and severely decreased mobility (pretty much bed-ridden all the time) my depression hit a level I have not experienced before. This, despite taking anti-depressant medication on a daily basis. Apparently this medication just stopped working.

My doctor replaced it with a different medicine and it helped for a couple months, but not longer than that. I didn't realize that this medication was not really helping me. I wanted so badly to think that I was improving that I ended up in denial about my actual state of depression. I started to use old coping mechanisms from childhood; the ones that helped me to survive even if they did hurt me at the same time. I started dissociating from the people around me. Since I was stuck in bed all day every day, I spent my days surfing the internet. I read blogs, web sites that were supposed to be funny (and some really were!!), YouTube videos and such. I don't recall most of what I read or watched because I wasn't really paying attention. Instead I was using the web as a means of dissociating from my daily life and condition.

In addition to the dissociation, apathy also hit me very hard. I just didn't truly care about doing anything. I read the same book for weeks at a time, over and over, because I just didn't care enough to get a different book off the shelf. It was very bad. I had mentioned these things to my doctor at every visit, but I was ignored. Finally master came to an appointment with me. With him being there the doctor was much friendlier and actually listeened to what master told him (which were the exact same things I had been telling him [the doctor] for months! Anyway the result is that they switched me to a different anti-depressant, Cymbalta. In addition to helping ease depression symptoms, Cymbalta is FDA approved to help treat the pain of fibromyalgia and the muskuloskeletal pain of low back injuries.

I did not expect the Cymbalta to do anything for my pain. After a couple of weeks of taking the Cymbalta at the 60mg dose (half of the usual daily dose for depression) I started to notice changes. I was able to stand for a couple minutes longer, my pain wasn't feeling as "sharp" or "intense" as usual, and my overall constant pain level was lower than usual; instead of 7 -8 I was hovering around 6-7 most of the time. As more time went by these changes continued to get stronger. As a result I had to admit that the Cymbalta must be doing something because it was the only change in my medicine or routine. I began to get excited, though I tried not to get my hopes up too high just in case this improvement was temporary.

Well, it's been just under 4 months since I started taking Cymbalta every day. I haven't had any major side effects, or allergic type reactions to the medicine either. Instead my pain levels continued to change. I am so freaking excited!! I am feeling impatient to find out if the increased to usual dose of 120mg a day will lower my pain even more. Anyway since switching to Cymbalta I can now walk around a store for an hour (dress shopping for the Fall Ball held by Submissive Round Table in FL) without having to sit on the floor. I did have to sit in the dressing room and then againon the chairs near the front door. But instead of needing to sit and it taking 3 or 4 hours to actually help, I only needed to sit twice and neither one was an emergency! I babbled all the way home to Skyclad Mistress's house and for the rest of the night. I was just so excited when I realized what I had done. The pain crisis I was epxecting did not happen even though for the past few years a pain crisis was my usual reaction.

Thanks to this less intense and lower pain level I've actually been able to do more. Even better my desire to *WANT* to do stuff has returned as well! I've been going out to a friend's house to hang around, chat and swim in the pool that the apartment building has. I've been doing more at home such as cleaning, cooking, moving laundry and stuff. I haven't felt this low level of intensity in at least 10 years or so. It is just fantastc! As a result I find myself loving Cymbalta a whole lot more. I am so very very happy with the results!

The Cymbalta made it possible for me to go to my first weekend bdsm event. I was able to stay through the entire weekend! Since this entry is already very long I will write up my experieences at the Fall Ball in another entry.

Man am I a happy camper! LOL

WOW Far Too Long

It has been a very long time since I have posted to this blog and I feel badly about that. However, things in my life have been rather hectic at times. My chronic pain has gotten worse. I fell and got a new fracture line on the left SI joint on Christmas Eve 2010. I've continued to struggle with depression, specially since I'm pretty much bed-ridden. I had to have a cancerous tumor removed from my right breast in the summer of 2010. I did some fundraising for a family friend who's son was badly burned in an accident, which made my chronic pain even worse. I now can not stand for more than 3 to 5 minutes without extreme pain and having my legs give out dropping me to the floor. This, of course, brought about another tough bout of depression which I am currently trying to fight my way out of and not doing very well. I've been in bed since April-May 2011. As a result of the decrease in my ability to walk and the higher pain levels the overt actions of the power exchange in my relationship (such as play, any formal times, lengthy task lists etc.) took a back seat. We both still knew that Master owned me and that he had final say in all things, but overt behaviors became more erratic (such as getting him a glass of water) based upon my pain level.

Since we had some issues with keeping the power exchange at a more obvious level (rather than just the quiet knowledge of who has final say in everything) I wasn't posting here. We haven't played much in the past year either and we both really miss it. Master and I have spent time communicating and thinking about this. In the past, when the more overt dominant behaviors would drop away in the rush of daily life, I was usually the one to bring it up. I would tell Master that I missed it. We would talk about it and end up with a list of tasks I was to perform, rules to follow etc. As a result he would either try to be a bit more overt or he wouldn't. The latter would quickly replace the former and we'd be back where we started. So a while ago I decided to just stop bringing it up. It didn't change the fact that I was owned, nor that I would do things the way I know he prefers them done. It didn't change the fact that he is in charge and what he says goes in 99% of the situations we faced.

We started talking about this tonight and Master told me that when he feels like he is being prodded to do something it gets his back up and he ends up not doing it because it felt like he was being ordered to do it and he does not like feeling that he is being ordered to do something. I thought that might be the case (took me a while to figure that out), so about a year ago I decided to not bring it up and to just see what would happen. I did continue to follow the rules and do things the way he wanted them done. He still had the right to order me to do stuff (which he occasionally did) and he still had final say in all things. After a short while I started to notice that he was giving a few more orders here and there. I did not try to make a discussion about this requesting more than what he was giving at the time. Instead I just enjoyed it and obeyed. I did thank him when he gave an order, or mention that it felt good, but I did not take it further than that. I was curious to see where it would go if allowed to grow on its own. Over the last few months, this has continued to become more frequent. He continues to be very understanding of my physical limitations, but he has taken me to task verbally for my tone of voice, or taking a joke a bit too far and other things along those lines.

In February we attended the Valentine's Day party for our local BDSM group. We had an absolute blast! It was a lot of fun. My pain made it that we had to leave after only a few hours, which made me feel a bit bad, but overall I just felt wonderful for having gone and we had a great time! Around the same time we also started getting back on IRC and reading stuff on FetLife more often. I noticed that as we, once more, entered a bit more into the community itself (interacting with other bdsmers) his dominance continued to become more overt. I've noticed over the past 11 years that when Master and I participate in bdsm discussions, attend group activities, or hang around the chat rooms (including the gorean ones), that it brings the power exchange part of our relationship more to the fore-front of our minds. As before, this is now the case and this resulted in our discussion tonight.

Tonight we went out to eat at Mellow Mushroom Pizza (great food by the way!) and we talked a lot. One of the subjects we toched upon was the power exchange part of our relationship. We have both learned a lot about each other and how we fit together within our relationship as well as the power exchange parts in the past 11 years together (it will be 12 years in June). I have learned that Master is more quiet in his dominance. He isn't one to be micro-managing, or barking orders all day long. He prefers to teach the slave his expectations and preferences and then expects the slave to follow them whether he gives a specific order or not.

However I tended to focus on having tasks or orders given on a fairly frequent basis. I don't like micro-managament so I'm not talking about that, but I mean things like getting him a glass of water, or doing certain household tasks and things like that. I was used to having a dominant that would give those orders or give me a list of tasks to be completed for the next day on top of my regular daily stuff. So for me, there was some adjustment needed to adapt to Master's more quiet style of dominance as well as for me to realize that I do not need daily lists of tasks in order to feel owned and submissive. Also, within myself is the fact that I need to have limits and have them enforced, including punishment as necessary. Again my past experience differed from what Mastere preferred and as I am his first live-in slave he was still learning what worked for him the best and what didn't work for him. Master does not punish easily, nor quickly. My past experiences and his preferences in this area were not fully compatible. So this was another area that we had to work on and grow together within.

So over the past few months as I have noticed him giving more orders, rather than bring it up I just went with it. I was curious to see how it would develop if I let it grow naturally, on its own and in whatever manner Master wanted to go. I am happy to say that it continues to grow naturally. I'm also happy to say that I've managed to reach a point within myself that I do not need a daily list of things to be done (though I do enjoy it when it occurs, like when Master used to send me daily emails).  I would still enjoy receiving emails with tasks in them, but I no longer need them to feel like i am serving Master.

While talking tonight Master told me why he would often pull back when I brought up the subject of wanting/needing/missing more overt dominant behaviors. I had figured it was something like that but it was nice to have his explanation. We had a very good conversation. He told me that he had intended to continue with the more overt dominant behaviors becaues he noticed that I responded to them very well.

It is still pretty amazing to me how I can still learn new things about Master; even after almost 12 years together. He has said he will try to help motivate me to fight this depression and apathy, to help me get back a better quality of life despite the pain. I really hope he continues to do that as I have proven, more than once, that I can't do this all by myself.

So here we go again and I will try to write in here more often as Master told me he wants me to write a journal entry every day, whether it is on paper or on one of my three blogs. He doesn't care which method I use, so long as I use one. His reasons for this are fairly simple; in the past I have always done better when I was writing every day and since I've stopped I seem to have more difficulty in fighting my depression, working things out in my own mind, and more.

I love you Master and I thank you for your patience and your love!

Another Week Goes By

Another week has gone by. Time just seems to fly by now that I have gotten older. I remember, as a kid, that it felt like time took forever and waiting a few weeks for something felt impossible. I guess this is something everyone has to deal with as they get older.

I have started to participate in my sub_den discussion list again. A friend of mine told me that maybe I kill the dicsussions because I give too much information in my replies, trying to cover all the bases, and thus leave people with nothing to reply too. I thought about that for a while and I think he was right. So I have been practicing not doing that, in the hopes that discussions will continue even after I post. I really disliked it that people seemed to stop replying other than to tell me how smart I am or some such. Many people over the past 11 years that list has been in operation have stated that they look up to me as a model slave (which makes me very uncomfortable) and as an expert on BDSM (which also makes me very uncomfortable). I am neither a model slave, nor am I an expert on BDSM.

I am the best slave I can be and I still make mistakes. I consider myself to be fairly knowledgeable about BDSM, but not an expert. There are many people out there who know a lot more than I do and have more varied experiences than I do. I've had 3 power exchange relationships, one that was abusive in part due to the situations around the relationship. My current relationship is now 10 years old and we will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in December. So I do not have a lot of experience with play partners, play parties or things like that.

I've enjoyed s/m and b/d activities ever since I became consensually sexually active. They've just always been part of my fantasies and sexual activities from the start. But engaging in play activities is not the same as having served multiple dominants in a collared relationship. Of the three real life collars I have worn, I would have to say the first one wasn't even a dominant, though he was my husband at the time (now ex-husband).  So I get uncomfortable when people hold me up as some sort of bdsm guru or something.

Ahhh well on to the real life stuff now..

The new school year has started here in the South Eastern US. I am still home schooling my son as I did last year. So far, so good! He has done pretty well with doing all of the work I assign him. Even better I have done pretty well at actually teaching him, rather than giving him a list of stuff to do and telling him "Go to it! Ask me if you need help". I am not proud of myself for dealing with it in this manner last year. Part of it was the major depression I was struggling with. As I got treatment for that, I got better at being more actively involved. When I got more actively involved, the better my son did. So this year I have decided to be as involved as I can be, while still making him do the work.

I've been surprised at my response to being more actively involved. I thought I would be bored out of my skull, but instead I find myself enjoying it. We have had many great conversation about history and science, and a couple times about math. We did his annual review last week. This is when a teacher (currently working, retired, or substitute teacher) reviews his work for the year and decides whether he did enough work to pass the grade. HE PASSED! Both my son and I were very very happy to hear that. Not only did he pass but the teacher (currently licensed teacher in our school district) had only one comment for improvement of my home school program; to make him read more. So now he is required to read a book for 1 hour a day and upon completion of the book provide a small book report as proof (for the school district) that he actually read it.

Master has added keeping the boy child's school work to my daily list of tasks. This was at my request, as a way to help me not fall behind or give up. So far, I am doing very well and am proud of myself. Even moreso, I am very very proud of my son!

Other than school starting up again, nothing else has really been going on. Someone posted a comment on an old post I made about BDSM and disability. Thank you for your reply Lee, I appreciate knowing that this blog is still read occasionally by someone other than my master. I agree that disability does not remove the fact that one is submissive or dominant. For me, it just changes how things get done and we have to be more creative about things sometimes.

Well, until next time, Be well and play safe!

A very good day

Today was a great day despite the fact that nasty thunderstorms and havnig a physician's assistant (PA) poking, proding and pressing at my back has caused my pain to be pretty high. First, I had my pain management appointment. The doctor's office has hired yet another new physician's assistant and today was my first time seeing her. I was very nervous because being a pain management patient is difficult even with a great doctor. It is not unusual for the doctors and PA's to assume you are a drug addict without even bothering to read your chart or getting to know you so when you show up at the office for your appointment they already have their minds made up about you and you are now at a disadvantage. Everything you say, your body language etc. are all closely watched for any sign that you divert your medications or don't really need them. I've had doctors tell me that I was too young to have such pain, that breakthrough pain doesn't exist, that its all in my head and more. Right, a broken pelvis is all in my head. But I was lucky this time. Denise, the new PA, is GREAT! She actually listened to what I had to say and when she asked what my diagnosis was and I told her failed fusion to the left SI joint resulting in a permanent compound fracture, she told me that this would cause a great deal of pain. I was very surprised! Usually I have to try and convince the doctors that a broken pelvis is very painful, but not with Denise.

It was a great visit and I look forward to working with her in the future. She was easy to talk to, she listened, and she knew what she was talking about. She told me that the reason my appointments were now down to every three months (instead of monthly) is because the office has me on the list of "safe" patients. Meaning they know I follow all the rules, take only what I am prescribed the way it is prescribed, that I am not in danger of becoming addicted, that I don't divert my medication and I won't divert it, basically that I am trustworthy. I already knew that about myself, but it was still very nice to hear that my doctor and PA know it as well.

While I was in the waiting room I was stitching, like I usually do. I met a wonderful older woman named Grace. She comes from Panama and she used to stitch a lot. She can't do it anymore due to her health. She apparently has a lot of patterns that were passed down in her family from her grandmother and mother. She wants to give them to me because she could see how much I enjoyed stitching and she wants the patterns to go to someone who will enjoy them. I was so very touched by this! I will definitely treasure those patterns and probably stitch a bunch of them.

After the appointment I was hurting pretty badly thanks to the physical exam and the thunderstorms that are moving through the area. So I took a short nap, which helped a little. Master comes home tomorrow. I can't wait! I have missed him so much! The house always feels so empty when he is not here. I haven't heard from him yet today but I'm not too surprised. The person who set up his reservations screwed up and his hotel room was booked only until this morning. The hotel is also overbooked so he couldn't just add the day like he wanted to. Luckily a friend and co-worker is at the same symposium as him so he will share his room with master. I can't wait for him to get home tomorrow. I am expecting that when he gets home we will go into our room, close and lock the door and just spend some time together. Neither of us sleep well when we are apart so I am really looking forward to having him back in bed with me.

Due to the increased pain today I haven't done much because I know master would have ordered me to rest and take it easy. His number one rule for me is to not do anything that would hurt my back more. So when I am hurting real bad, I am supposed to take it easy. I am hoping I will feel better tomorrow so I can get some stuff done before he gets home.

All in all a very good day!

Daily Power Exchange

So many people think that a daily power exchange must be full of rituals, strict requirements, and such. This is true of some relationships, but not all of them. My relationship is a bit more laid back, in part because we still have children in the home. With kids in the house, rituals have to be fairly circumspect. For example, master can not require that I meet him at the door naked, collared, and kneeling when he comes home from work. Its just not the thing to do with kids in the house. But master does have some requirements that could fall under "daily rituals" such as the 20 minutes alone in our bedroom when he gets home from work. Most often we take those few minutes to cuddle with each other and just talk to one another, or tease each other. Sometimes there is a spot of play or we make love.

Day and in day out power exchange is pretty much like any other relationship, we have our routines and tend to follow them. So certain things are just done without an order needing to be given. Master has gotten back to sending me a daily email with a list of tasks he wants me to complete that day. With my health issues there is not always a lot of things on that list, and sometimes it consists solely of "take it easy". Since my last post the emails have continued, and I have done the tasks given to me. My depression has gotten much better with the new antidepressant (thankfully!), which has made a major difference in how I feel and how well I can tolerate and handle my chronic pain. I'm still constantly surprised by the differences in those areas (now compared to 2009). I know that eventually I will get used to feeling so much better and feeling that way will become normal again. Until that happens I will probably continue to be amazed at how much better I have been feeling in so many areas.

Last week master and I spent the night at a lake because friends were vacationing in Florida and had rented a beautiful log home on the lake. We arrived Thursday night (the 10th) and had a blast just talking and joking with our friends. The next day they went tubing on a river and I stayed at the house on the lake because I didn't think my back would be able to handle me being stuck in an inner tube for 3 or 4 hours, unable to shift position when I need to. I didn't mind as I had brought my stitching and crochet with me, as well as a good book. I enjoy having time alone occasionally but with 6 people living here, I don't get time alone very often. So I spent Friday the 11th by myself. It was WONDERFUL! I read a book, did some stitching, sat at the dock with my feet in the water just listening to the sound of water lapping against the dock, the sounds of birds singing and watching people water ski on the lake. It was wonderful and I felt more rejuvenated afterwards, like I had recharged my flat batteries.

We've been working on the yard trying to get the leaves all raked up and the weeds mown down. There is a lot of sand in the soil around here (very close to the beaches) so we don't have a lush lawn of grass. Instead we have patches of grass and weeds. I've been able to do some of the work provided I go slowly, take breaks to gauge the increase in pain level, and stop when I hit a 6. I am also back to doing housework regularly so the house is neater and cleaner, things are also better arranged (budget, meal planning etc) and easier to keep up with stuff like laundry . Most of the tasks master assigns me have to do with those daily activities. He has learned that unless I am in a pain crisis, I can still move laundry even if I am in a lot of pain. It only requires me to turn the machine on, add soap, and throw in some clothes. It only takes a couple of minutes and can be done even if I am hurting badly. So laundry is quite often a daily task.

With the lightening up of my depression, my sex drive has also returned. So in the past 2 months or so (since my last post) we have played a few times and made love more often. It feels great to be myself again and master is very pleased with me.

Master is in Denver this week for his job's continuing education attending a symposium. So he gave me a general list of things I am supposed to do while he is gone. The first thing, as always, is not to push myself and cause a pain crisis. I miss him so much when he isn't here. I have a hard time sleeping because the bed just feels huge and empty. He also has a difficult time sleeping when he is away from home and for the same reason; when he is away I am not there. We've been talking a lot on the phone and hoping the week goes by quickly. It seems to be doing so because it is already Wednesday, which means he will be home in 2 more days YAY!

Well that pretty much catches this blog up to today. Thank you for reading and leaving comments, I do enjoy reading them!

Oh the repayment for a spot of fun

Master and I went out on a date on the 28th. I spent most of the next week paying for it. We went out to dinner and then raided the book store as we both love reading. My lower back was very very upset by this and hurt like hell. I ended up spending 3 days mostly in bed to try and get it to calm down. When it finally calmed down my period showed up, which is always accompanied by increased pain in my back and pelvis due to cramps and bloating. And now I am sick. Oh yay!

Master has continued daily emails with tasks in them and I've done the best I could, but many of them have had to slide because I was stuck in bed with extreme pain. I did move laundry though after the first two days in bed (I think..this head cold is making it hard to think LOL). Sadly Master woke up sick today and is not feeling good either. Oh well.

Here's hoping next week is a better week.