More online bullshit

Well, yet again someone is trying to discredit me by telling half truths and contradictions. I had to kick/ban someone from my submissives only group for breaking both list rules and the terms of service of yahoo groups. I don't enjoy doing that, but I will do it when I have to.

Yahoo does not allow a group owner/moderator to send unwanted invitations to people, they consider it spam and it is against their TOS. It was brought to my attention by a few people on my list (one of whom had only been there 9 days or so, and was only on my list as it was the only one she had found [through LnR]) that they were receiving unwanted spam invitations to join another group. I asked that they send me a full copy of the invitation so I could see who was doing it. As soon as I found out who it was, I posted about it and banned the person, as I have done to every other person that I found harvesting email addresses and spamming my members in the 12 years my groups have existed. When I found out who it was I was a bit hurt and angry because it was someone I had thought highly of and never thought they'd do this, but they did.

Once she was banned I received two private emails from her partner (I'll call him John Doe). The first wasn't too bad, the second was getting worse and I replied politely telling him why I had banned her. The third email he sent in response was pretty dang bad and filled with insults and things that did not need to be said. I did not respond to this third email figuring to do so would simply cause trouble.

No one on my list discussed this other list, its owners, moderators or members. We moved on to discussing how to swallow cum. I started to receive private emails from people who were telling me what John Doe was saying on his list. He posted a totally unnecessary diatribe of lies and smoke screens to his list, badmouthing me and my list. I am not a member of his list so am not there to defend myself. When someone did defend me they were banned from the list.

I decided that despite my not being on his list anymore, I would respond to his statements here. He asked many questions that are designed to turn the discussion into an argument over things that do not pertain to the subject at hand; the banning of his girlfriend.

His girl (Jane Doe) was banned from my list for spamming people and nothing more than that. It had not been done sooner (she has been on the list since 2005, but never really participated) as no one had complained to me until last week. As soon as it was brought to my attention, I acted, simple as that.

John then posted about how they had not been online in over a week and that Jane had not gone into any group in months. A paragraph later he then stated that Jane went through her backlog of email (since they are set to receive individual emails from many groups, mine included..this means she read group mail, so she went "on the group"), found some interesting people and sent them invites. He posts this 3 separate times, followed again by his statement that she hadn't been on a group in months. Well, you can't have it both ways. This is a direct contradiction but more importantly, it is also a direct admission of guilt.

Despite his contradiction, in three separate posts, he made it clear that Jane did indeed break my list rules and Yahoo TOS. This is exactly why she was banned, nothing more. By sending invites to interesting people one finds through email messages from group emails, one is harvesting the email address off of a group email and then spamming the person with an unwanted invitation. He admits she did this. When I became aware she was doing it, I banned her.

So my response is: Since she did it, what is the big deal? Why did this warrant a rant on his list about all kinds of stuff that did not pertain to the situation at all? Why turn it into a huge drama that it did not need to be? I just don't get it.

As for his other accusations they were made solely to divert attention away from the matter at hand, that his girlfriend broke yahoo TOS and the rules of my list and was banned for it. There was no need for all the mudslinging bullshit that he threw out after that.

Interesting..he posts a major rant, calling up unnecessary crap, providing only a quarter of the truth all to cast the attention away from the behavior of his girlfriend; yet he says I am a drama queen? Pardon me while I continue to laugh myself silly over this...ROFLMAO

Back On The Internet

Well..a few months back I was able to resurrect a very important friendship to me. In so doing I started participating more on my discussion lists sub_den and Dom_sub on yahoogroups. I also joined a few other lists that my friend suggested. For the first time in 7 years I have been able to post as freely as I used to, without losing my train of thought under a sense of fear or anything else. It felt great. I enjoyed participating again, and was not only willing but able to contribute my thoughts, experiences and feelings like I did before.

However, I was expecting mailing lists to be similar to what they were a few years ago. I did expect variations upon rules with each list, that is perfectly normal. What I did not expect was to find that the very rules that have governed acceptable posts to a mailing list, no longer did. I put forth great effort to not attack a person and to word things solely to the idea presented. It is very rare that I fail. I created a post to a list and here it is (removed the words that were not mine )

I changed the topic from an introduction to "No Hesitation or Reservation", the ideal I was speaking to.

This is an ideal I have seen many many times. By this ideal anyone who second guesses their owner, has any reservation whatsoever about an order or rule, is not a slave. This could not be further from the truth in my experience. In reality there are going to be times where the slave has reservations or hesitation or outright disagrees with their owner. Some times those reactions on the part of the slave will be there for very good reason, and sometimes they won't..but they will occur.

This ideal ignores one basic truth of m/s, we are still human. Being a slave does not render us incapable of thinking for ourselves, forming our own opinions or having our own ideas of what is correct in a given situation and what is not. Being an owner of a slave does not somehow miraculously remove human fallibility, failings, or the very human ability of making a bad choice. To expect that an m/s relationship somehow elevates a dominant to the status of omniscient and omnipresent is to set oneself up for some major hurt. To expect that an m/s relationship will somehow make one less prone to be annoyed by stuff that has always annoyed them, is to set an unrealistic expectation that can't be met. An owner is very capable of making a bad decision, or making a decision without having all the facts. Each of us has our strong points and our faults, being involved in m/s does not somehow erase those faults.

If having someone leave wet towels on the bathroom floor after a shower annoys you, then it will still annoy you as a slave. It may take a little longer to annoy you, being able to appease it with "serving him/her" statements, but eventually the day will come where bending over to pick up that towel causes the same angry thoughts it used to cause. Being involved in an m/s relationship does not somehow miraculously make our pet peeves stop being pet peeves. Having those reactions does not make one less of a slave or not a slave at all, it makes them human.


In many cases, and in many situations, a slave will serve and obey without hesitation or reservation. However, having the level of trust that this requires takes time to develop. It takes alot of time. But, it does not mean that there will never be a situation where hesitation or reservation occurs.

raven{Az}

This email was not approved by the list owner. I was told that she felt it ws attacking a person because I left the quote that prompted my thoughts at the top of my post. I was told that if I remove the quote and create a new subject, the post would be approved. Well, I had already created a new subject by changing the subject line of the email to the topic at hand, so I left that mostly the same adding only the word Ideals. I edite the post to read as below:

I have read almost every email that has gone through this list since I joined it a few weeks ago. I have repeatedly seen the same judgemental rhetoric spouted many times, judgemental in that it states "only such and such is a true slave". These ideals, while romantic and really sweet and something many of us strive to achieve, lack a realistic base and in fact can set up someone who is new to the lifetsyle to have expectations that are not realistic and thus they get hurt (be it physically or emotionally). Some of those ideals are things such as a slave should obey without any hesitation and or reservations at all.

This is an ideal I have seen many many times. By this ideal anyone who second guesses their owner, has any reservation whatsoever about an order or rule, is not a slave. This could not be further from the truth in my experience. In reality there are going to be times where the slave has reservations or hesitation or outright disagrees with their owner. Some times those reactions on the part of the slave will be there for very good reason, and sometimes they won't..but they will occur.

This ideal ignores one basic truth of m/s, we are still human. Being a slave does not render us incapable of thinking for ourselves, forming our own opinions or having our own ideas of what is correct in a given situation and what is not. Being an owner of a slave does not somehow miraculously remove human fallibility, failings, or the very human ability of making a bad choice. To expect that an m/s relationship somehow elevates a dominant to the status of omniscient and omnipresent is to set oneself up for some major hurt. To expect that an m/s relationship will somehow make one less prone to be annoyed by stuff that has always annoyed them, is to set an unrealistic expectation that can't be met. An owner is very capable of making a bad decision, or making a decision without having all the facts. Each of us has our strong points and our faults, being involved in m/s does not somehow erase those faults.

If having someone leave wet towels on the bathroom floor after a shower annoys you, then it will still annoy you as a slave. It may take a little longer to annoy you, being able to appease it with "serving him/her" statements, but eventually the day will come where bending over to pick up that towel causes the same angry thoughts it used to cause. Being involved in an m/s relationship does not somehow miraculously make our pet peeves stop being pet peeves. Having those reactions does not make one less of a slave or not a slave at all, it makes them human.


In many cases, and in many situations, a slave will serve and obey without hesitation or reservation. However, having the level of trust that this requires takes time to develop. It takes alot of time. But, it does not mean that there will never be a situation where hesitation or reservation occurs.


raven{Az}

Basically I had reached my tolerance limit for overly romanticized flowery ideals that have little to no basis in day to day reality, and was tired of the judgemental nature in which those ideals had been stated. Many many times the words "A true slave " or "A real slave " were stated as the one true way. The problem is many of those ideals, while great to strive for, are not something people can achieve every single moment of every single day. To ignore that fact, the basic humanity of slaves, is to set a novice up for some serious self-doubt, recrimination, self resentment and other major issues by leading them to believe that if they ever hesitate, have a reservation, question, get upsert or in any other way behave as a human being then they are not a slave.

These are ideals I have seen spouted many many times, most frequently and vehemently by someone who does not actually live within an m/s relationship as their partner does not live with them, the times spent together vary from weekly, to yearly. It is alot easier to maintain that flowery ideal of perfect submission for a few short hours once in a while, than it is to maintain it every single day under every condition life throws at us.

I have seen far too many wonderful people torture themselves because they did not live up to the ideal that was shoved down their throats as "proper slavery" by some part time slave. I have seen whole relationships crumble because the slave's self doubt became so strong that it was self-defeating and self-destructive.

Years ago when people spouting this rhetoric showed up on mailing lists, they were quickly culled out and people recognized them for what they were. But now, it seems they have their groupies who see them as the epitomy of perfect submission and slavery. It amazes me how much time is spent on those lists patting the "owner" on the back for being such a wonderful slave as well. I realize that any person can find a group of people to follow them and believe in them, and I realize this was bound to happen, but it still annoys the hell out of me. And I don't have to be all "list pc" on my blog.

I know I could leave those lists also, but for now I feel staying does the others on the list better than my leaving because I can offer them a more realistic view of slavery. Romance and ideals have their place, but when one puts forth that their intention is to teach about the lifestyle, then that intention requires that they teach the truth, the reality..not just the romanticized ideals.

raven{Az}

Company Has Arrived

Master's family is here to visit. I really like them, they are alot of fun to spend time with. So I spent most of the day sitting in the dining room talking with one, two or all three of them. (Depending on who was napping and who wasn't LOL) They drove 16 hours to come visit for a week or so. I knew they were coming from months ago. They come every year, which is very nice. This year I felt slightly different, well more than slightly actually, about their visit. Not that I didn't want to see them or anything like that, but on my duty while they are here. I wanted to make Master proud of me as a hostess. I mean, this is his father, step mother and his sister, they mean a lot to him. As his slave, I wanted him to be proud of me and pleased by how I treat them. It is really easy though because I love them lots too. (grin) I think I did a real good job too. They seemed very happy, which was my goal.

Its going to be busy, confusing, noisy and all that for the next week or so, but its also going to be a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to it.

I can't describe how much better I feel after Master and I played the other night. I really needed it! I am a lot more relaxed and more peaceful. I really miss being able to play on a regular basis and sometimes I just *need* the release of pain play. I have noticed though that I can't take as much physically as I used to. I figure it is because we don't play very often due to privacy issues, so my skin isn't as tough as it was. Not that I had callouses or anything, but I did have a higher tolerance level.

There is a girl coming into LnR every day, she is very new to the lifestyle and thus at the whole fear filled confusion stage and trying to figure out if this is right for her or not. She doesn't even understand why she keeps coming back or what the attraction is for her. I remember that stage, though it wasn't as bad for me as I already knew I liked the kinky sex and that I liked making people happy, so for me much of it was major relief in having words to put to my desires, and finding out that I wasn't crazy because alot of other people had the same (or very similar) desires. But I did have the whole experience when I first entered a gorean chat room and something inside me went YES! even louder than it did when I first entered a bdsm room.

Gorean rooms can be very intimidating. There is so much for a slave to know. Positions, language, serves, food, beverages, silks and all the other stuff. I remember being afraid, confused and everything else because I was trying so hard to make myself conform to someone else's idea of what was the right way to engage in bdsm, even though I already knew inside myself that it wasn't completely right for me. I tried so hard because it was such a major relief to finally have those answers and fit in, I did not want to lose it. But I kept going back to the gor rooms. Out of embaressment and shame, I always said it was because the serves and such called to my creative side, the writer in me. But that was only part of the reason. The other part was because I thrive on the structure, I enjoy the rituals, I needed to be owned. Those were things I couldn't tell anyone, even myself, for the longest time. So many people look down on gor as unrealistic, silly, and all kinds of other equally insulting things. As time went on though, I did admit to myself at least, why I stayed in gor rooms and why I kept returning to them if I did leave for a while. Because being a slave is what I wanted and what I need, it is who I am. I can't say that I fully agree with all the gorean philosophy, but most of it I do agree with.

I can't agree that ALL women should be submissive and ALL men should be dominant, based solely on gender, because human beings are just not that simple. I can agree that for some people this is correct for them, but it isn't correct for all. The other things such as being honorable and such, I agree with whole heartedly. I am a strong individual, with my own opinions and I am not afraid to voice them most of the time. I can be stubborn and annoying (of course). I am a smart ass, and love to crack jokes and engage in verbal banter. These are all things that I had been taught a slave can not be. When I finally looked into it for myself, I found that not only is that not true, but that many slaves are very similar to me. That many dominants who want slaves, prefer slaves who are capable, intelligent, have a good sense of humor and all the rest. Most do not want someone they have to watch all the time or give directions to for every step of every little thing they do. They want someone who can be told "I want you to do these things" and then know that the slave will do the best they can to meet that expectation and handle whatever comes up while doing so in a manner that would be pleasing to their owner. That slaves are not mindless robots who are all alike or are just people who can't handle their own lives at all so prefer someone else to make all their decisions for them. This is just not true. Yes I give Master the power to make all my decisions for me, and he has final say in everything, but that doesn't mean I am relieved from the responsibility of handling my life. In actuality, I am required to not only handle my life, but to do it well enough to please him.

It is kind of nice to finally be able to say to myself that I am a slave, and I like it. :)

Rough Day

Today ended up being a rather rough day. I read a Xanga entry (blog entry) from my step son that really hurt my feelings. He seems bound and determined to see everything I do, don't do, say or don't say as negative and against him, no matter what it actualy was. And I know that any explanation I give him won't matter, he continues to see things in whatever way he has decided is "right" in his mind. Usually that means whatever makes him look most innocent. Still though, it really hurt my feelings to see him turn around what actually happened when he showed up unannounced and unexpected the other day so that it looks like I purposely snubbed him because I hated him. I don't hate him. I don't like everything he does, but I don't hate him.

I got punished last night, for not doing laundry. I did some laundry today, there isn't much to do though, only a few small loads left, which is kind of nice. So I had my guilt with me today. I always feel guilty when I screw up enough to actually be punished because I know Master does not punish easily.

Then to make matters worse someone decided it would be a good idea to tell me I am not a slave, nor a sub, because I do not immediately agree with everything Master says or does and that I am more than willing to tell him if I think he is wrong. After that blog of my step-son's this crap did not help at all. This guy scares me because he puts himself out there as a wise knowledgeable person about BDSM, and he tells people he has online only experience. I've done both, online and real life, and there is a major difference between the two. It is alot easier to type in "kneels before so and so" in real life when you are angry, not feeling well, cranky or what not than it is to actually do it in r/l. THere are fears and such that crop up in real life, that don't crop up online because in r/l its all real. The dominant is really going to tie you up, or really expect you to do all the housework or whatever is in your relationship. Online, typing in that you wash the dishes is alot more fun than actually washing dishes in real life. I've done both as I said before so I speak, from my experiences, to both. But I try to be very reality based when it comes to teaching newbies. In my opinion it is wrong and downright dangerous to teach a bunch of newbies that they should never ever question their dominant and that if they do they are a bad submissive or slave. In reality subs and slaves question their dominants (and themselves) quite often. The longer the relationship goes on, the less questioning is done because the people involved know each other better, but there are still times where questions are raised.

How each individual relationship handles these questions is one thing, and it does vary. Some require that the slave ask permission to speek freely before they can tell the dominant their feelings or thoughts. Some do not require that. Some require a combination of that. But every master/slave relationship I know of has some kind of arrangement made in which the slave can (and is expected to) question their dominant, or give their opinion and evidence if they think the dominant is wrong. To be told that this is not allowed is a fantasy and a dangerous one. I've been in a relationship where questioning the dominant was not allowed at all and obedience was expected even when I knew the dom was flat out wrong. It was very damaging to me because I was the one who had to deal directly with the mistakes he made. I was the one who got hurt physically or emotionally because the dom was too insecure to let me give my opinion.

We talk about communication a great deal in bdsm. We say how important it is to keep a relationship healthy and happy. Being able to give one's opinion is part of the communication in any relationship. To deny one participant the ability to do that, is to effectively cut them off from communicating at all. Without the communication trust suffers, resentment builds and the relationship eventually dies and at worse it can become quite abusive.

If being able to speak my mind, at my owner's insistence, makes me not a slave or sub in someone else's eyes, then they need glasses and a reality check. I know what I am and I know who is in charge and has final say in all things, and it is not me.