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Friday, February 23, 2001

Sam came home a week ago. She is doing alot better now. Prosecution has been dropped and that relieved her alot. Which, in the area of her mind and feelings, I suppose this is a good thing. I feel sad that Dennis won't pay for molesting his daughter because the damage he caused has been so hard to repair. Part of me is angry about this, not at Sam but at the situation that has allowed a child rapist to go free. The laws in Mass really suck. They have a law on the books that allows prosecution without the child testifying if they are mentally incompetent (dead or otherwise incapacitated) and they can't use it because of the constitution of that state. Not the US Constitution but the Mass one. Really goofy that they even managed to pass laws that are basicaly useless to them. It pisses me off. I am trying to let go of it and just focus on giving Sam as much help as I can so that she will finish healing and get on with life but it isn't easy. I am not as angry as I was last week, so this is good.

Ron and I seem to be experiencing a growth spurt in our relationship again. He is taking more control and using it however and whenever he wants to. I am responding by being more submissive and service orientated. We've been discussing a lot of things like tick lists and punishments and communication and control. Tick lists are not for him, and that's good because I didn't really like it anyway. Punishment seems to be something that will probably disappear from the relationship because of a few different reasons, unless of course I really screw up! LOL He has removed any safeword from me and the ability to say no. He says I can say it, I can say anything I want, but he doesn't have to listen to it and can ignore it if he chooses to. Basically I can't tell him no. I can tell him I'm not in the mood and why I'm not in the mood, but he doesn't have to listen to it. I don't say no anyway unless I have a real good reason like having sex or playing would cause alot of pain in my back, not a little, but enough to land me in bed for a day or so. That is (to both of us) a good reason not to play or have sex. He told me that he has been exerting his control because he was too, feels a need to do so to satisfy himself, not to satisfy me. This is good and it is what I was waiting for. Alot of things were depending on my mood and he wouldn't exert his control unless he felt I was in the mood for him to do so. I understand his reasons for doing this and I have to agree with them. I am grateful that he cared enough about my well being to hold back until I had healed some more and was ready to have that control exerted regardless of my current "mood". He did not want to push too hard too fast and end up hurting me somehow. He wanted to make sure I was ready to submit more before pushing me. He knew, better than I did, how messed up I was after those 18 months in the west. I am grateful for his patience and understanding. Apparently the time has come to push me. He is doing it, and I am submitting to him more mentally and emotionally than I had been. This is good. I think it was his understanding of the situation and patience that allowed me to reach this point where I can submit mentally and emotionally as well as physically. I had begun to wonder whether or not I would reach this point again, whether or not I could trust anyone enough to do it again, but it seems I can and that is good :)

Well that's about all I can think of so I'll stop here.

Wednesday, February 14, 2001

It's been a rough few days. Hectic and stressful. But such goes life I suppose. I haven't really been feeling myself since last Thursday night, though I did feel almost normal yesterday afternoon for a while, but it snapped last night. I haven't even been able to write in my journal. Thanks to the D.A. reviewing the case for my daughter, her memories were brought more into the fore front of her mind, and with them, the emotional pain. She has become depressed and all that stuff again. She was admitted to a local psychiatric hospital on Thursday night for suicidal ideation. Needless to say this really threw me for a loop. I had thought she was handling all of this so well, and dealing with it. But, she kept alot of her feelings and thoughts from me, out of fear that I would tell the D.A. to drop the case for good. She wants so badly to put that son of a bitch behind bars. She doesn't understand why I place her well being before putting him behind bars. I tried to explain it, but her response is she doesn't deserve to be cared about that much. Wheee..didn't that feel great? NOT. I've done all the right things for her, this time same as all the other times. Though suicidal ideation wasn't as big of a deal in the past, though (and I'm guessing it's because she is older) it has become part of her depression for the past year. I can't help feeling like all the progress she made in the past year, of which there is a great deal, is slowly slipping away. She started scratching her skin off her hand yesterday. So now we can add self abusive behavior to the list of symptoms. I had a treatment team meeting yesterday morning, and in there she was doing just fine. But between the time i left the meeting, and the time I came back to visit last night, she became intensely agitated, depressed, weepy, and had scratched some of the skin off her hand. It took the wind right out of my sails, let me tell you! I wanted to badly for all of this to be over, and I feel so guilty. Though everyone tells me it is not my fault, I'm not sure if i believe it or not.
I've found myself wondering yet again about that old saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" and I have to wonder if god is a sadist because he sure as hell has given me and Sam a lot more shit to deal with, and Sam isn't capable of dealing with it. She's been fighting these demons for 7 years now and is still as afraid of Dennis today as she was 7 years ago. It's very depressing and makes me wonder if she will ever really be okay again. I just don't know. I want a guarantee that she will heal. I want a date for when this should be done. I want my daughter back.

I got so used to the way she's been for the past 6 months. Calm, happy, peaceful. Slept fine. No depression. They'd cut her therapy down to once a month and were planning on cutting out the anti depressant medication in June 2001. She was co-operative and was obeying the rules of the house and all that stuff. She was feeling good about herself and seemed to be enjoying life again. And over the past month, the pain and the fear eroded alot of this and she's going backwards. I am so scared. What if she goes all the way back? I've been praying but I don't know if it will make a difference. Same as always though, I will be there for her and I will continue to try to help her both myself and through professional therapists and psychiatrists. Who knows, maybe this setback was neccessary for her to finally put "paid" to the whole thing. She is certainly having to face her fear. In tucson she faced mostly the emotional pain, and now she seems to be dealing mostly with an intense fear and some pain but nothing like when she was in Tucson. So it is possible that her healing is coming in stages. She takes a bunch of steps forward and when she reaches a place where she is doing well and has been for a while, she takes a couple steps back to pick up the healing process where she left off, and takes a bunch of steps forward again. repeat ad nauseum. I hope that's what this is, because then it may very well be that she is almost done. god I hope so.
Ron is being very supportive, which is nice. But i am finding it so hard to talk with him. All I want to do is be alone, read, or sleep. I am trying not to give into those feelings too much because it isn't good for me. I don't need to become clinically depressed as well. I will be getting a counselor for myself so I have someone to talk to about all of this that is not directly in the situation. Ron will listen, and understand most of what i say, but he is in the situation so that can make talking to him difficult for me. Not beacuse he doesn't want me to talk, or won't listen, but because i feel guilty for venting on him when I know this situation has him upset as well. I don't want to add to his upset, tension, stress level (pick terms) if I can help it. Though, I have been talking with him.

well I'm going to stop here.

Wednesday, February 07, 2001

Gee I am getting so bad about this blogging thing. I was looking for some stuff that I wrote on rituals, I know I wrote a whole bunch of stuff after reading one of Robert Fulgham's books, but I can't find it now. I can't remember if it was in here, or on paper, it isn't in my journal though. It's weird. Oh well, maybe it's in the notebook where I was writing down rough outlines of articles I wanted to do, because I wanted it to be an article.
Ron leashed me to the bed last night and I slept that way, collared and leashed. He seemed to enjoy having me that way quite a bit. I must admit I liked it to. I locked the bedroom door so none of the kids could just walk in and see this. I remember at some point Ron took the collar off and stuffed it under my pillow, I think he was leaving for work, but I can't be sure.
Kyle was cranky as hell today, whining almost constantly. He wouldn't listen to anyone either. Yesterday he got a hold of about 7 raw eggs and cracked them all over the tv room floor. So we had to rent a carpet cleaner and today we shampooed the carpets. Took us most of the day and Ron and Jeff finished the dining room and tv room tonight. The carpets look so much better now!! They were downright filthy! My back is hurting pretty badly now, but I feel like I accomplished a great deal, which is good. Maybe tomorrow I will actually clean the bedroom. LOL
Well that's about it for now. Later.

Friday, February 02, 2001

I don't really have a lot to blog about but I figured I better toss something up here before someone said "You need to blog raven!" LOL It's been a fairly quiet week around here. Ron is sick, no fun there that's for sure. Kimmie and I got a cold but it seems to be over for us and was only a couple of days. So far, thankfully, the kids haven't gotten sick so that's good. I figured Kyle would get sick, but he didn't and boy am I glad of that since he gets cranky as hell when he is sick. I've been reading alot this week, enjoying books that I've read before. I still like the stories though, so that's good. I've done alot of work on the cross stitch for mizu and Qryz, the main part is almost done, just have one rose left and a couple of leaves. Then I get to backstitch it, add the speciality stitches and the beads (if I can find them at Michael's) and it will be done. The funny thing about cross stitch is it seems I have to be in the mood to do it, and if I'm not, I just don't bother with it. Lazy I suppose. Or maybe it's boredom. I don't know. I do enjoy cross stitching and I love the complicated designs because you get a real sense of accomplishment when you finally finish them. And they look so beautiful! Who knows maybe one of these days I will actually complete one for myself LOL I've done a bunch for other people and given them away as presents, but the one I started for myself is half way done and I just keep putting it aside to do projects as gifts. I guess it's just an extension of how I tend to put other people before myself. Well I'm tired, so I'm going to go to bed. Night.