I'm visiting my parents this week. It's interesting to say the least. All the people I remember as little kids and babies are now 18 or 19 years old, or married with kids of their own. I've only been away for 5 years, but it's amazing how much time has actually passed. I got married at 18 years old and moved out of my parents house. Since then I've had very little interaction/contact with my relatives. My cousins that I used to visit every week when I lived with my parents are now married and both are mothers. The third cousin was just a little kid when I got married, she is now in college. My nephews are both in High School, with the eldest one having a job, driver's license and a girl friend. I feel so out of synch here, like a time warp or something. I told my daughter today that I don't belong here, and it's true. I don't. I've always felt that I was on the outside looking in with my family, probably because I was adopted and I was never allowed to forget that. I wasn't "blood". Some "relatives" even refused to include me in family gatherings because of that. Interesting how the older Italians are about such things. My parents have gotten old. Which scares me. By my daughter has utterly amazed me. She has been very polite, friendly, and selfless since we arrived. She has helped my mother cook, clean up, talked nicely, laughed, and just been all around a perfectly well behaved, well mannered child and I can't tell you just how proud of her I am. I finally heard the words I've wanted to hear for those 7 long years of hell I went through with her from my parents, they said I've done an excellent job with her and that she turned out OK despite everything I did "wrong" as a mother. Sort of a half assed compliment, but from them that's the best I can get and surprisingly it meant alot to me to hear it. I wish they could have learned to compliment without the "but" there, but that's too much to ask I suppose.

All in all it's been a good visit though somehow hurtful for me. I look around the house I grew up in, and see the pictures of my relatives and realize just how far outside of their loop I am. No one sends me pictures, or letters, even when I send stuff to them. It's like I grew up, moved out, and now I don't exist, which I suppose is fine for them. I know this is the house I grew up in, but it isn't "home" for me. My home is with Ron, Kimmie and all the kids. I miss them so much it isn't funny. At least 20 times every hour I find myself wondering what they are up to, do they miss me, and wanting to go home. I find myself realizing that I am not only mortal,. but getting old. It's an eerie feeling. I told my parents about Ron, leaving out that we got married. yes I am a chicken shit. I don't want to deal with their negative reactions and lectures. At least not when I still have 6 days to stay with them, maybe I'll tell them on Friday, the day before I leave. We'll see. It's just been weird, and I'm having a very hard time sorting out my thoughts. I keep getting these moments of "insight" that are very surprising to me. Moments where I realize things about myself, my life, how things have changed, how much better my life is now, and so many other things. It's very disconcerting at times, joyful at times, and painful at times. Though I suppose that means this trip has been good for me and Sam, I don't know. Maybe tomorrow I will get a notebook (journal) and start writing some of my thoughts down. I can't use the computer much so that doesn't really help me since I can't vent on it like I want to. Also my parents tend to read over my shoulders, so I have to be careful what I say. It's been interesting.

I have had fun, I can't say that I haven't. We;ve had lots of talk and laughter and all that. Well I'm going to stop for now.

It's almost Christmas, and I am finding it so hard to believe that so much time has passed already. It feels like I just got here yesterday, but it's been half a year already. Where did half a year go?? I used to think my mother was nuts when she told me time flies, because to me at that time (as a child) I felt time was the slowest thing in the world, but now it seems like it does fly by. My daughter tells me time is so slow, but I have to look at her and smile because some day she will realize like I have, that time does fly. People tend to get wrapped up in living their lives and paying attention to everything they stuff their life with to keep themselves busy, or have fun, or just relax. It sometimes feels like life is nothing more than moving from one activity to another, and then there are times where there are no activities to do, and time still flies. I guess it goes with getting old. Next month I will be 32, and for some reason 32 is seeming harder and harder to accept, whereas 30 and 31 were not a problem at all. I'm not a child anymore, yet I still feel like one. I guess that it is true that if one feels old, they truly are. Some days I feel ancient.

My daughter took the news of no prosecution alot better than I thought she would. I am very proud of her. She is quite happy that I have not cancelled our trip back to Mass. I figured the trip would be good for her and for me, especially since they dropped any hope of prosecuting the case. I know some will see this as proof that Dennis didn't do anything, but that isn't the case. Sometimes I wish it were the case, but I can't deny the medical evidence and physical evidence stacked against this man. Nor can I forget that there are two other children that he has molested, one of them having overhwelming medical evidence as well. There is no doubt in my mind that this pedophile did indeed rape his own child. But I guess I have finally gotten through to my daughter with my seemingly constant reminders that revenge is just not worth it. I just feel so guilty that my assurances that the District Attorney would do something as soon as she was ready, turned out to be false ones. I try real hard to remind myself that they mislead me by telling me constantly that they would prosecute if I brought her back to Mass for another interview. Oh well.

I am trying very hard to enjoy Christmas, and so far I'm succeeding fairly well. I'm a bit anxious for it to be morning already. I hope the kids like their presents, and the first one to say "He/she got more than me!" I'm going to happily slap silly! (can ya tell I hate that kind of whining?)

Anyway..Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone!

WOW! I haven't blogged in a while. LOL Ohhh well, things have been rather busy around here with Christmas shopping, preparing for a trip home, kids concerts, reading, talking, and adjusting to the tick list Ron set up for me. It's been a very interesting and event filled month.

Earlier in the month I had spoken with the district attorney in Mass about interviewing my daughter again for possible prosecution of her father who molested her. The DA told me that if I got her up there, they would prosecute. They lied. They called me back today to tell me that no matter how well she does in the interview there is no way they will prosecute the case. They said they believe they have no chance of winning the case with a jury and thus they won't pursue. This crushed me, I was so upset. The hardest part was not crying on the phone with the lady, or losing my temper and tearing her a new asshole, which I desperately wanted to do. But I behaved myself, then I got off the phone and started crying, almost panicking. I wanted to scream, run, anything and everything. It hurt me so much to be told that basically this son of a bitch will get away with what he did to his daughter, and the hell we have lived with for the last 6 and a half years. That he gets to continue living accross the street from an elementary school, and remain free. He doesn't have to pay anything or in any way for the torture he put my daughter through. God but that hurts. I guess I had my hopes up higher than I realized. The worst part was calling Deb and telling her that they won't prosecute for Sam. I know she was hoping they would so Dennis would go to jail and thus pay for what he did to both of her sons. We all thought the case for Sam was so strong, which is what the DA told me and told her. In fact, they told Deb that if I brought Sam to Mass they would prosecute, that they were dying to get their hands on Sam's case because it would put Dennis in jail for up to 40 years with a conviction of Child Rape. They told her this a month ago! What the hell changed in that month? And why is it so fucking hard for the victims in these cases to get the justice they deserve? It just is not fair at all. Not for the kids, or their families who have to suffer through all of this shit for nothing. I felt horrible when I told Sam about it, but I knew that I had to tell Sam. She had to know. my prayers now are that she won't blame herself for them not prosecuting, that she won't think she did something wrong in the earlier interviews or in the past few years that made them unable to prosecute. So far, she doesn't seem to be feeling that way, but I will be keeping my eyes open just in case.

My thought on the decision not to prosecute is that the DA just doesn't want to put forth the effort that would be neccessary to get a conviction in the case. I believe this because of the constant insistence that the case is "too complicated". Well duh! Then I remember that they prosecuted Dennis for the boy who was molested at the same time my daughter was, and either kid could be a collaberating eye witness for the other. But the DA didn't call my daughter as a supporting witness, and the whole thing never went to trial as Dennis took a plea and admitted guilt. That case was literally done with no supporting evidence, with a child who was discussing abuse that took place 5 years before, and that he denied ever having taken place for those entire 5 years. That denial alone could have gotten Dennis a "not guilty" verdict, but they prosecuted anyway and won. But they won't take a case that has physical evidence, an eye witness, psychological evidence, and all that to court. It just doesn't make sense, it really doesn't. I don't understand, and I don't think it's fair. I'm just so fucking upset it isn't funny anymore.

I have decided that since I can't get the pedophile convicted for raping his own daughter, I will hurt him the only way I can, money. He has not paid me child support since 1996, and he is court ordered to pay 92.00 per week. So I have contacted the department of revenue child support enforcement in Massachusetts and will be receiving a packet that will put a file in their offices for Dennis as a dead beat Dad. I do know taht Mass will jail him and set his bail at the exact amount of the child support that he owes me, and he won't make bail until he pays the full amount. The DOR will include interest on this child support, but the basic amount is over 22 thousand dollars. So he will have to pay at least that much to get out of jail. And I will take the money, and use it to buy me a car and put a new roof on the house, two things that the family needs. After he pays the arrears he will then be stuck providing the DOR with 92 a week so they can send it to me. I will use the money to retain an attorney here in Florida and file for recovation of his parental rights based on non-support and child sexual abuse. At taht time, I will also file for a legal name change for Samantha since she no longer wants to be called by his name. She hates him. I know this kind of "pay back" is not exactly what I wanted, but the man should pay in some way for the damage he has done. But I am also so very tired of the whole thing and part of me just hopes he keels over and dies for no reason. That would be a great benefit to the world.

I just finished a rather interesting book. It's called "Nora, Nora" by: Anne Rivers Siddons. During the first half of the book, I thought it was boring and colorless. With the second half of the book, I was able to see why it was like that. It is a coming of age story for a girl in 1961. But this girl carries the painful belief that she killed her mother by being born. For as long as she can remember, she has always been basically alone. No one was there emotionally for her, though people were there physically. Hence she learned to just kind of plod through life without seeing any of the joys in the basic day to day things all around her. So the first part of the book is written in that same emotional manner. It is devoid of most emotions, except for the occasional glimpses of Peyton's pain and how it affects her current actions, such as showing old home movies to herself in her tiny room at night and no one knows she is doing it. She does it as a way of "finding" her mother, and seeing her "family" for what it used to be, before she destroyed it by being born and killing her mother. Very sad. Then her cousin Nora arrives and things start to change. Slowly at first, then with more speed. Until eventually the book is going at a much faster pace, and the reader can't put it down, so badly do they want to read the end. At first I figured it would have the typical happy ending. Nora marries the widowed father and becomes Peyton's step mother. (they're distant cousins) Peyton passes her first real test of maturity, the speech for her graduation of grammer school before entering high school. (she's the valedictorian). Even when the "old town boy made good" shows up, and Nora falls for him (or seems to anyway), I still thought the end would be the typical fairy tale happy ending. I was pleasantly surprised. In many ways the ending made the book. With the way it ended, and the things said at the end, the whole book takes on so many different meanings, and shows a depth that was not visible on the surface. I find my mind running a mile a minute now, thinking of those things, and those depths, and the raw truth within them. I think the book was supposed to make the reader think, feel, and reflect upon themselves, their lives, and their own coming of age, of that awkward time when we are not children anymore, but are not yet young adults either. When we feel major changes are coming, and we both fear them, want to hide from them, and welcome them, crave them in the hopes that they will bring about bigger and better things. Only to find that when those changes come, they are not as obvious as we had thought they'd be. Instead they are usually quiet, deeply fundamental changes made within the heart and mind of a person, not the exterior or conscious mind. The time in our lives when we begin to see beyond ourselves and our little slice of the world, where we first glimpse the big picture, and the vast possibilities spread out before us. Where we become almost drunk on the sensations this glimpse causes. Where we begin to believe that we will become adults, and thus have an impact upon the world, even if it is only in a tiny way. That impact is caused by our interactions with other people. How we treat them, and whether or not we can truly love one another.

At the end of the book, when Nora is gone, Peyton is laying in her bed being cuddled by her father while she cries for a real long time. Finally the sobbing stops and they talk to one another. At one point the father says "Nobody's safe Peyton, and nobody's free. There's only somewhere between safe and free, and what people are. The only thing we can ever be is just human, and that ends up breaking our hearts. We all try so hard to be strong, or free, or safe, or whatever it is we think we need the most...and in the end, al we can ever be is just us. And it's enough because it has to be. There's not anything else." (p. 262, hardback) Those words touched me, and ring true within me. People are just people. People are always searching for something outside of what they are right now. Something that they consider to be important, and they believe that when they finally get what they are seeking, they will be fulfilled and everything will be wonderful. In this search, we often overlook what we have now, and just how good it actually is. When we do that, we can't find what we seek. What most people seek to find, already exists within them, if they dare to look for it there. I keep thinking that in some ways people are too focused on things outside of themselves as being their satisfaction, when it is what is within them, and what people can give to one another, that will bring not only deep satisfaction, but lasting contentment. Satisfaction is a momentary thing, it can be easily removed by doubt or fear, but contentment lasts longer and though it may be overshadowed by the current stressful situation or crises, or current situation that needs our full attention, it can't be erased. When someone is content with the fundamental structure of who they are, though they may still seek to improve themselves and embrace growth and change within themselves, that contentment is always there and lends the search for improvement a stability that is lacking for those who seek simple satisfaction.

Another passage, said just two lines after the one I quoted above is: " Well, this is what we do. We try to give what little we have to somebody who hasn't got it, and maybe they try to give us back some of what they have, that we haven't got. That's what love is. That's all it is." In many ways I think these are also very true words. Love is a give and take, where each person gives to the other something they need to be complete. Within BDSM, this is exactly how the symbiotic relationship of domination and submission works. The sub and the dom each give to the other, sometimes without even realizing it, the opposite that is needed to complete and balance the whole. With this give and take, comes the love. Maybe people really were put on this earth to love one another to the best of their abilities. No one really knows why we are here. So I guess everyone has to come up with his or her own answer, even if the answer changes over time. And I think the answer does change over time, and with situation. With maturity comes a calmer view of life, one that tends to include such things as this give and take of love as being a major part of the meaning to our lives. With certain experiences comes the ability to see this give and take, and even the symbiosis that can often exist without our conscious thought. There are times when people will automatically give of themselves something that another person needs at that time in their lives. When with someone we care about a lot, and the person is sad or depressed, we may instinctively know they need a hug, or someone to listen to them, or a shoulder to cry on. And we give that to them. In that way, we are providing something they need, but are lacking, with something we have and can thus provide; in that way we show love and caring. We show humanity. It isn’t the major things that matter, it’s these small things we give one another that matter the most. It is these small differences, that when brought together complete a whole, that bind us tightly to one another. It’s these little things that we overlook as we rush about desperately seeking “ourselves”, never realizing that what we seek is already within us just waiting to be brought out. Sometimes this giving from one person to another, takes the form of bringing forth the hidden treasures within another person; so that they can find what they were searching for but had no idea where to look. For example when someone gives another person the means by which to find self-esteem, a sense of worth, or dignity. By teaching an uneducated person the things they need to hold a job that will support them. We aren’t giving them handouts; instead we are giving them the means by which they can help themselves, and thus teaching them skills for living. Something we have, and they are lacking. In the giving, we create a whole. We also get something back; the love.

Very in depth book, or maybe I’m over thinking it, but somehow I don’t think so. Nora was a free spirit, written as the type of person who flits from one thing to another, never settling down and staying in one place. Flitting into people’s lives, drawing them out of the shells they hide in, showing them the pleasures and joys found in their every day lives, then leaving quickly. She is made to seem flighty and uncaring; a user. But in the last few paragraphs, you learn she is not a user, nor is she flighty and uncaring. She is fear driven. She craves stability, and an anchor; a place to call home where she can feel safe and loved, no matter what. Yet, when those things are offered to her, she doesn’t know what to do with them, so she runs away. Peyton’s father speaks of her as a butterfly in flight. She flew into their lives, opening their eyes to the joys around them both between father and daughter, and in life itself. Peyton had said she hated Nora, to which her father replied: “Well, you’d just as soon hate a butterfly. We didn’t give one single thought to what she might need. We just climbed up on her wings. We loved it there; it was a wonderful ride. And she tried to hold us up, but we were too heavy. Finally she had to drop us and go. All the time she wanted an anchor, a place to light, and we were too busy riding her wings to see that.” With these words you see that the selfish ones here, the ones who took but did not give in return, least not in the sense of giving what they had that Nora did not, were Peyton and her father. Though considering their great pain and separation from one another, this is understandable. This seems to be the way many people are; take what they need from whoever is offering it, without considering that what they are giving in return might be something the person does not need nor truly desire, or that what they are giving in return is not what they believe it to be. I don’t think it’s from any inherent selfishness, as I think it’s from the way life has become. Life has sped up dramatically from the way it was 75 years ago. Everything is more power, move faster, and get it done quicker. We do not take the time, often enough, to seriously consider what we are doing with one another and how we are affecting the people around us. People have gotten away from truly interacting with one another, and moved in to interacting with others for what they can give you, not what the interaction can give both of you. There is an awful lot of taking going on, but not a lot of giving.

The other thing that struck a deep chord in me was when the author was explaining a discovery Peyton had about herself. When she gets named valedictorian and asked to give a speech at the graduation, Nora gives Peyton a lot of support and encouragement. From that Peyton starts writing. While she does so, she finds she can view the world in two ways. One way is with the eyes she was born with, and the other is with a pair of internal eyes. Those internal eyes view the world and everything in it with more emotion, impact, and in the terms of this has to be written about. Through writing this speech, Peyton discovers that she has the gift of not only words, but also the sight necessary to give her words life, make them reach the emotions of the people reading them. Make them literally come to life upon the paper, and be more real. This was something I understood because I have often viewed things in more than one way, same as Peyton. I never really thought of it as a “gift”, but I can see how it very well might be. For me, it’s called “being bitten by the writing bug”. It is at those times when my vision broadens, and even the mundane things I see frequently, are imbued with a new life. A whole new level of meaning, intention, purpose, and feeling becomes visible in those simple every day occurrences, acts, and objects. Reading a story to my son is no longer just a chore to get through, or a pleasant interlude that passes before it can truly be enjoyed; instead it becomes a ritual of bonding, a means of passing on to my son a love of words and reading, a love of exploration of the world through books, a way of teaching my son not only the rudiments of our language, but of interactions between a parent and a child, of the give and take of love, the bonding necessary between two people, and to partake in his innocence and wonder at everything he sees. At those times, a walk around the block is no longer just a means of exercising to shut the doctors up, but a discovery of just how beautiful the earth is. How amazing the sunlight looks when it is reflected on the leaves of a tree, or the scent of the air around me, or the feel of wind on my skin. At those times, that walk becomes almost a religious experience, where all emotion is calmed and any anxieties are soothed, so I can just “be”, and enjoy “being”. It was very interesting to see that “writing bug” as I call it, explained in a book I was reading. I’ve read books where the characters are authors, but until now had not come across one where the urgency of writing, the need to get everything down on paper, and that sudden ability to see the bigger picture and capture it quickly before it gets away, are explained or even discussed. Stephen King’s book “Misery” brings up the “gotta” but it’s more of a “got to find out what happens next” kind of thing than a driving force demanding that what is being seen and experienced be written down for the writer to remember, learn from, and teach others with. That ability is indeed a rare one. And because of it’s rarity, I think it may very well be a gift. But I wonder now can this second set of eyes be something the person can use at will, and thus see the bigger picture when they want to, and not just whenever it occurs? Can it be used in such a way that the bearer of it can see more clearly, in order to write specifically for others to read? That’s an interesting thought. I suppose it could be because it is part of the person, and not an external thing taught by a teacher. People can harness their abilities and gifts so they can use them more completely within their every day lives, and to achieve the goals they set for themselves. If this ability is indeed a gift, and is indeed internal, then logically speaking it should be able to be harnessed and the bearer taught to use it like they do any other ability they may possess, like maybe the ability to dance very well, or the ability to understand math easily. The question now is, how? How to harness it, and learn to use it? I don’t have a clue, and I suppose if I did, I’d write a lot more often instead of waiting until the urgency becomes overwhelming to the point that I can’t sleep or eat until I write everything I need to and get it out of my system. That’s something I’ll just have to continue thinking about.

I have not blogged since Dec. 1.I can't really say why other than I haven't had a whole lot to say. I've been wanting to savor my feelings alone for the last few days, enjoy them privately before placing them out here for others to read. I've been feeling very good for the last week or so. Warm, happy, content, and all that. Those are very nice feelings to have. I am very happy to feel content again. It is truly wonderful to not have so much stress coming from everywhere everytime I turn around. I can relax and play ball with my son. Relax and talk with my daughter. Work on my writing, if I want to. Focus on cleaning the house and keeping it looking the way that makes Ron happiest and most comfortable. It is truly wonderful to be at peace in my life, and in my heart.

The doctor gave me a new medication for my back. It's called Neurontin. It is technically an anti epileptic medication, but it has been proven to be effective on neurological pain such as that caused by nerve damage. I've been taking it since Tuesday afternoon, and it has already made a great improvement in my pain level. The shooting pain down my left leg has dropped dramatically, the tingling, numbness and such have also dropped dramatically. I can wake up and roll over in the morning without crying out in pain, and without dragging my left leg with my hands. I am so happy with these results!! The only problem I have is I must take it with food or it upsets my tummy something feirce. But, I can live with that. I also have to increase my water intake quite a bit to help prevent water retention, and to help my body rid itself of the drug when it should. Most drugs are metabolized in the liver, this particular medication is metabolized in the kidneys, making water a neccessity to it's release from the body. I've been drinking alot of water but so far I don't feel like I am going to float away or anything, which is good too :)

I got up early yesterday and today because I needed the car and in order to get it, I have to drive Ron to work. I do not deal well with 6:00 o'clock in the morning. It took me a good 30 minutes to wake up today. I truly did not want to, but I needed the car. I have to take Sam to her appointment today, and it's too far to walk. Oh well, you do what you have to do. Though I do like the short period of time that I get alone with Ron on the ride to work and the ride home when I pick him up in the afternoon. He told me he likes it too. Ron and I got married on Monday. We are both extremely happy with it. I'm surprised that I got married again, I wonder if that makes me a hopeless romantic, or just a fool. Either way, it doesn't really matter what it makes me other than it makes me Ron's wife, which I truly enjoy being. I have a calm certainty that our relationship is solid enough to go for a long long time. A certainty I have not had before, not in this calm inner way. I do have some fear that I will screw things up, and I know that comes from the false belief I still seem to hold that I fuck everything up. I'm hoping that this fear will continue to fade with time, as it has been doing these past 6 months or so.

That's about it really. Guess I will blog later.

This is a picture of a panel from the AIDS Quilt. Today I searched some web sites about AIDS information to post on the Blogs page of my LnR web site so that I could provide information while participating in the day without weblogs. While doing this I found the site for the quilt. The day about weblogs requests that on December 1, people either do not blog or blog on the topic of AIDS rather than their usual topic. I had planned on blogging about my brother anyway, but this particular item which I found really surprised me. While searching the quilt web site, I found a section that allows a person to search the quilt for the names of AIDS victims. On a whim, I typed in my brother's name and up popped this picture with a list of all the people represented by this block. It is panel number 02663, and my brother is commemorated on it. I am guessing that the panel was created and submitted by Hospice At Mission Hill in Roxbury Mass by the panel that shows the T-shirt with the symbol for that Hospice house on it. I requested ayli to enlarge this graphic so I could see the embedded pictures more clearly because I could have sworn one of them was my brother, and sure enough, it was. I found myself near tears, and very emotional. My brother passed away on May 25, 1991 of AIDS. I remember when my mother first called me to tell me that Walter had AIDS. She was so shocked, and so very ashamed. She had always been embaressed by my brother's homosexuality, which would piss me off to no end. My brother was living in California at the time, and had known he had AIDS for 4 years. He could not afford the medications they had out at that time, they were far too expensive. My brother was in a hospital in California. AIDS had attacked his nervous system and he could no longer walk. He had to live in a wheel chair. All he wanted to do was come home to die. My mother at first did not want to bring him home, but eventually relented. My brother Bobby went out to California to get him, and we admitted him into the Hospice At Mission Hill. I remember having to speak with Walter's doctors to find out if he fit the criteria for the Hospice. The criteria was under 6 months to live. The doctor said my brother would definitely fit that criteria and would probably only last 3 months at the most. I honestly can't remember what month he returned to Mass in anymore, but I do remember he did not make it to 6 months, and died just shy of his 25th birthday.

It was a mixture of emotions that accompanied his return to Massachusetts. There was elation, fear, love, hate, anger, and so much more. He and I spent a great deal of time talking during his last few months. Though we never did settle our old ghosts, but I made the best peace with him that I could. Watching him die was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I remember sitting in the hospice talking with him, and talking with the other residents there. They were all very wonderful people. What amazed me the most was their lack of resentment. The workers of the Hospice were wonderful, loving, supportive people. They treated Walter and all the residents with the utmost of respect and always with obvious caring in everything they did or said. I remember one visit in particular. I had shocked Walter by bringing his neice in to see him. During his estrangement from the family, he had not heard that I had given birth. He did not expect to see Sam, yet I brought her in anyway. My parents were shocked that I would expose my daughter to possible infection by AIDS. I tried to assure them that the risk to her was very minor but they never did understand that. Walter was very happy to meet his neice, and he kept remarking how much she looked like me. I remember that he cried because I brought her in. It was a sweet, yet painful, visit. I visited every day with Walter. As did Bobby and my parents. I will give them credit for that, they did visit him. By the time he slipped into a coma during the last two weeks of his life, they started staying in the hospice's guest room to be with him. He did not want to die alone. I had started staying as often as I could. I went home early in the morning on the 25th of May to get a couple hours of sleep before coming back. I layed down for a short while and around 10 minutes to 6 that morning the phone rang. I knew before I picked it up what the person on the other end was going to tell me, and sure enough, Walter had died. I rushed back to the hospice. My mother was sitting on the couch, totally shell shocked. My father was with her. I went into the room where Walter still lay, and held his hand for a few moments. I remember that his body was still warm. All I could whisper was "May you be at peace now Walter". I cried. It was hard to believe that my brother was gone, but he was. This was a very complicated time for me, in many different ways.

AIDS kills people, though with the new drugs they have for it, HIV positive patients are living much healthier lives before contracting active AIDS. But there are still thousands for whom the drugs do no good. AIDS was once thought to affect only homosexual men, but that also is not true. AIDS can and will strike anyone. It is a deadly sexually transmitted disease, though it can be contracted through other means such as sharing drug needles with an infected person. AIDS is a very scary disease. For some it acts very quickly, for others it acts slowly even going into remission for a while before coming back and taking their lives. In this way it is similar to some cancers. It was not until a couple of years ago that I was finally able to forgive my brother for the many cruel and hurtful things he had done in his short life. I have managed to reconcile myself with that part of my past. This is the first year I have truly felt able to mourn his loss as a loss and not a relief. Walter had the potential to be a truly great man, andI like to believe that he would have become that great man had he been given the time. I wrote a poem about his passing, that was read at his funeral. I could not read it because by then I was a basket case, so a nurse from the Hospice read it for me. It contained the many things he had told me about how he felt about each of the members of our family. The forgiveness he had finally found both for them, and for himself. As well, the outlook he had managed to attain on life, and his sadness that this outlook came at the cost of losing his life. He remarked to me once that "Through the most painful times, come the greatest lessons." and he was right. So, this is for you Walter and the man you were inside. I love you.

Today has been a quiet day overall. My son has really surprised me. Today he has actually requested to spend time with me. He wanted me to cuddle him, tickle him, hug him, talk with him, and even sit on the couch and watch tv with him. Of course, I did these things. They made me feel so very warm inside!!!! He usually doesn't seek attention from me. Usually I have to initiate it with him, and most of the time he isn't very interested in attention from me. I know why that is also, but I am so grateful that it seems to be changing as well. I think it has a lot to do with us living here with Ron. Kyle is 4 years old, for most of his four years I have been off my feet more often than on them. During that time he has been cared for primarily by other people, not me. Unfortunately I could not physically move around alot, so I couldn't chase him, wrestle with him and such things. So he got used to going to others first. But, my back has been improving since the doc put me back on oxycontin and I've made a great deal of effort to interact with my son. I get him drinks, play with him, talk with him and all that. And I think that today, I got to see the fruits of this. He came to me for attention, even above Ron whom he absolutely adores. I really enjoyed that, a whole hell of a lot. I've had bouts of feeling like a bad mother because of the difficulties my back created as far as dealing with my son was concerned. When I made the decision to have him, knowing it could possibly hurt my back, I had not realized just how long lasting the damage would be and how all encompasing the effects would be. I figured it wouldn't do anything more than cause extra pain. I did not realize it would mean that I would be mostly bedridden for a year awaiting surgery, and then have to have the surgery repeated after getting only 3 months back on my feet before the fusion failed. THe failure being followed by 6 more months of mostly being in bed while waiting for the doctors to decide what needed to be done, and then came recovery. After I recovered as best i could, I was working my ass off, even though I know I wasn't supposed to be working physically like I was, I did it anyway. I realize that I could not help the situation that occured and that I did the absolute best I could by making sure the people who were caring for my son, were good people and were loving towards him overall. Kimmie was an immense help when he was just under a year old. If she hadn't come to be the nanny, I would have lost my children because my husband at the time was so depressed that he couldn't even remember how to boil water, much less watch children. But anyway, though I know it is not my fault because I certainly didn't do this on purpose, I still occasionally feel guilt. So it is truly wonderful to me when my son runs up to me and hugs me tight, or kisses my cheek, or tells me he loves me. Or, like today, tickles me and zurberts my belly and just cuddles beside me to chatter with me. I love it!! Talk about major warm fuzzies!!

Since moving in with Ron, my children have changed dramatically. Kyle used to bite when we lived in the southwest. He would bite, throw things and scream for no reason. Though I know he had plenty of reasons, just couldn't convince the people I was with that the reasons were real. He hardly talked, and refused to potty train. Here, he is fully potty trained, now speaks in mostly clear sentences, can carry on a conversation, his speech is getting clearer, he eats better, sleeps better, and hardly ever tantrums. He has not bit anyone since mid-June when we left the southwest. He is so much calmer, and more secure. I am so proud of him. I really think that Ron and the environment here has a lot to do with the changes in Kyle. Ron is very consistent with discpline and the attention he pays to Kyle. It isn't a once a month play with the kid thing then forget him for the rest of the time and demand he be mostly quiet. Kyle has flourished with this attitude. Ron also encourages me to interact with my kids. He loves to hear that I have played wiht, talked to or in any other way interacted with my kids, especially Kyle. He believes that part of Kyle's slow learning was caused by my lack of hands on involvment, and as guilty as that makes me feel, I have to agree with that. He's probably right. I agree because of the changes in Kyle since I have become more actively involved with him. Sam, my daughter, has changed as well. She is alot calmer, less beligerent, happier, and in so many ways a very normal 12 yr old girl. She is thriving on the consistency in this situation, something she has not had before because of her severe problems making it so difficult to remain consistent with her. Ron is not afraid of her, and he does not back down from her. He relies on me to explain the best way of dealing with her, and follows my guidelines. In doing so, he interjects his own perspective and rules within mine, and between the two of us we have acheived the best situation my daughter has been in for the last 6 years. And finally, she is keeping the progress she has made. It's not just a fleeting thing. I am so very happy with the changes in my kids. Even my daughter and I get along better than we have in 7 years.

Ron has mentioned setting a curfew for me. He thinks that I can't follow the wake up at 6:30 rule to see the kids off to school, if I don't go to sleep early enough. Sadly, I have to agree. Having a curfew is kind of scary to me because I know how difficult it is for me to follow a curfew. I don't know why I have such a hard time with it. I always have, even as a child. It never failed that 5 or 10 minutes before my bed time, I would wake up. No matter how little sleep, how much activity, or how tired I actually am. My mind snaps awake and I can't sleep. I do not want to dissapoint Ron and I fear that setting a curfew may cause me to do just that. however, I can't really blame him for wanting to set one either, I have been staying up very late because I don't have to get up with the kids. Kimmie does that. I didn't ask her to, it just happened. I was getting up with them at the beginning of the school year, then my back sent me to bed for a few days, and she got up with them, and then stopped waking me up. Ever since then, I haven't pushed to be woken up that early. I know it's lazy and selfish, but everytime I've talked about it with Kimmie she insists she doesn't mind. Then we had that snag about emotions going a bit awry when I would stick my nose in and help out, so I backed off. I don't want to make Kimmie feel like I don't think she can handle getting the kids off to school. I also know that I have seriously dissapointed Ron in this area, and I feel guilty for it. I am still unsure of whether or not I will measure up in Ron's eyes to what he believes a mother is and how they should behave. I've never been very hands on with my kids, that doesn't mean I don't interact with them, it just means that I don't spend all day long sitting on the floor playing with them. He has told me what he thinks a mother should be like, and it very closely matches how I am. I guess my insecurity about being a mom is what causes me to fear that I won't please him in this area. I know I have insecurities when it comes to being a mom, partly from being told for so many years that I was a rotten mother. (my parents told me this, my in-laws told me this, some of my former friends told me this, I've had social workers blame me for the abuse my ex husband comitted on my daughter and stuff like that) I try very hard to remember that overall I am a good mother, and that I do my best. Also, I try to remember that I've put up with a great deal of shit from my daughter that no one I know would have put up with for as long as I did. That alone should make me believe I'm a good mom. My insecurity is not as strong as it was just 8 months ago, and I think Ron has alot to do with that as well. His encouragement has allowed me to be more of the mother I want to be, and has paved the way for the results I am not benefitting from. That has gone a long way towards shutting that particular insecurity up. This is a good thing.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about the ways I have changed over the past 6 months, and mostly I like what I see. I am more myself again in that I do not bite my tongue as much as I was and hide my feelings. I don't lie and say "i'm fine" when I'm not because I no longer fear punishment for not being "ok". I am calmer, and PMS has all but disappeared, it's back to it's normal level of slight crankiness that I can easily handle by being quiet. And if someone asks me why I'm being quiet, I tell them I am cranky from PMS and am trying not to snap at people for no good reason. It works. I have not lost my temper once since I arrived here. Ron and I have had our disagreements, but we have never yelled at each other during them. Yet anyway, I'm sure a day will come where we do yell, but I hope it never does. I prefer the communication that he and I have. It allows us to settle differences, misunderstandings and other things that arise without either of us losing our cool. I think it is a much healthier way of dealing with difficulties that arise. We have had our tense conversations, but we both know enough to back off and cool down before we blow up. I really appreciate that. That has gone a long ways towards helping me heal that whole belief that I was an irrational lunatic that needs antidepressants to appear normal. I stopped taking my antidepressents back in April of 2000. And I have not had any problems since. Even the last couple of months in the southwest, I did not need them and I knew it. I was so angry when I figured out that I had continued to take them in order to please my then master because he felt I needed them. I am angry with myself for risking my liver and my health by taking a medication I did not truly need any more.

Well..that's about all that's running through my mind tonight.

I've been feeling rather quiet the last couple of days. Not sad or depressed or anything, just real quiet. Even my mind has slowed down. I think it's trying to give me a break! LOL It isn't often that it does that, so when it does it's kind of nice. My mind often runs constantly. I find myself thinking about so many different things at a time that it can be very tiring. Ron has asked me if something is bothering me, and there isn't anything. I am just feeling quiet and contented. I like that content feeling btw, quite a bit. Though right now I'm feeling a bunch of pent up energy that wants to be expelled somehow, but I have no idea how to do so. It doesn't feel like I need or want to write, I don't have any interest in cross stitching, it isn't sexual frustration (I doubt I'll have that problem for a long time to come..anyway) it isn't a desire to work on the web site or anything. I'm not sure what it is. Sometimes when I get this way it is followed by a bout of writing poems at like 20 or 30 in a week, or articles at 5 to 10 a week, or even stories. Ohhhhhhhhhhh...that's it! I'm wanting to write stories! I just typed that word in and my mind woke up and started tossing images around that would make for some pretty good erotic fiction. Well now that I've found out why I have that feeling I'm going to go exorcise it. I love this blog thing, it is so useful sometimes :)

Today was a rather quiet day. Woke up in serious pain, so took my meds first thing. Then went back to sleep because no one else was awake, and my son was still sleeping. When I woke up again I had some coffee then spent some time updating the web site. I had received a number of emails that were updating my link information for munch groups and such. So I did all that. Then I played the sims for a while. I had some trouble with the game and ended up having to uninstall it and reinstall it all over again. I hated doing that because I lost all my previous game information. Oh well, such goes life with computers.

I got a package from my mother today. Christmas presents for me and the kids. Some really nice stuff in there. I sent her an email letting her know the box arrived like I had promised her I would do.

I had joined a list last week because someone informed me that an article of mine had been posted on it. I stuck around because my friend asked me to. Someone posted about poly relationships. I did not respond to the original email. Someone responded to that email stating that anyone can walk out of any relationship at any time. I responded to that statement saying that some people do not feel or believe they can walk out. On another list I'm on, I've read many posts from slaves who state flat out that leaving is not an option for them no matter what the relationship were like. This scared me. I am not sure I can accept the idea that a person would willingly and knowingly stay in a relationship no matter what the relationship was like. Of course the question of the relationship becoming abusive came up, and I stated that most people would indeed walk out of a relationship eventually were it to be abusive. This prompted an argument where people kept saying that they would stay no matter what because that was the agreement and comittment they made. But they added things like "I don't ever see the relationship becoming abusive' and how wonderful their relationship and/or master is. So I started to wonder, is it possible that one can not truly view the possibility of abuse and thus leaving when their relationship is a happy one? The answer to that is of course, yes. It is very difficult for people to see beyond their current situation and make hypothesis about different situations. When someone is happy it is very difficult to conceive of a time where the relationship would not be a happy one or would be an abusive one. I can understand that.

Anyway, what I'm wondering about is why are there so many assholes on mailing lists? The first bit I spoke about on the walking out thing, was not a big deal. However, someone responded in a manner that was extremely rude and on my list would have gotten them warned for flaming. The person did not leave any part of the email they were responding to in their response, so I can't say if it was my words that prompted the response. I resplied to that email, and I know I shouldn't have, but I did anyway. And I was less than polite about it too, though I wasn't cruel or anything. The person responded agian and accused me of being on a high horse and such. I am assuming the insults were directed at me because they made reference to one sub telling everyone else what to do, and since I was the only sub responding to the thread with more than just a single email, I thought it was directed at me. Again, no reference was given, so I could not be sure, and I deliberately did not respond with the personal offense I felt. But this list, since the first day I got on it, has shown repeatedly that there are people on it who's main reason for being there seems to be to cause trouble. This person, and one other on that list, are always sending emails that are hurtful, angry, or downright mean to the list. Then they wonder why they get the angry responses they get. They say things like "you missed my point" "I didn't do anything wrong" and stuff like that. This drives me insane. I know i shouldn't let it get to me, I mean these are just people I don't really know, but I just do not like rudeness. I never have. I try my damndest to be polite and on topic when I post to groups, and it really isn't that hard to do. So I wonder why others can't do the same? I know, that not everyone can do those things. I guess it's just another of those things I will never fully understand because I am not like that. Similar to I can't fully comprehend child abuse, or revenge.

I've been thinking about this election stuff, and can't help but think Gore is showing himself to be a very sore loser. Filing in court to have recounts thrown out, demanding recounts after recounts becuase he isn't getting the winning votes he wants. Making this election take so much longer than it should have. So far all the recounts continue to have Bush as winning Florida and thus the white house, but Gore just can't accept that defeat. Personally, I think with three recounts completed showing Bush as the winner, should be more than enough. But, Gore is demanding a 4 th hand recount and got the Florida supreme court to say that a "dimpled" ballot must be counted as a legal vote. In other words, if the "hole" is not completely there, but is dimpled as if it should be there, then that vote counts. I think this is nothing more than a spoiled child refusing to admit defeat. personally, I am now praying that Gore doesn't get the white house because I am afraid to see what such a spoiled little child will do to this country, and our relations with other nations with this kind of attitude. The whole thing has gone beyond agravating and has entered the territory of disgusting as far as I am concerned.

Last night Master and I played for a while. It felt real good! He managed to mark me too, which I know he enjoys doing. I'm still feeling some sore spots today. But I like that. I know that some people think that is weird, and I used to think that, but I don't anymore. It's interesting to see how I've changed over the past four years, most of those changes are good ones I think.

Today is Thanksgiving so we're doing the whole cook everything thing. Sometimes I wonder why we bother with this holiday, it seems to be more of an excess than anything else. I know it's supposed to be a historical thing and an emotional thing where people give thanks for what they have. A day set aside for family and friends to enjoy a meal together and think of the things they are thankful for. So, along that line, I've been thinking about what I am thankful for today. (I know, it's mushy, but hey, it's a holiday I'm allowed. LOL) Anyway, I am thankful for a lot of things actually. For my daughter's progress finally beginning to take root in her mind and become habit. For my son's progress in talking and playing with his imagination. For my kids being with me. For my kids being healthy. For Ron's kids being here and being healthy. For ayli's being part of the family and helping out so much. For my friends who mean so much to me. For Ron who is so wonderful to me. For my health being pretty good. Heck, I guess I'm just thankful for having people who I love, and who love me in return, around me. That is a very nice thing to have. It's something that people tend to take for granted over time, and I try hard not to take it for granted. I try to think about the things that I love about my family and friends, so that I do not take them for granted too often.

The food is almost done, so I figured I'd come online and rest my back it's a bit sore now from standing for so long chopping up stuff for the stuffed mushrooms. Oh those are so yummy! The kids are all addicted to the sims, and now so is Ron and Jeff. The other night Ron built his "dream house" with the sims program. It's really neat to be able to use your imagination and build a house. Ron has this dream house that he has always wanted. It is a HUGE house, but very beautiful. It is, however, square with an opening in the middle for the pool and hot tub. It's certainly an interesting design. But man that would be one expensive house to actually build. He is very hopeful that some day he will be able to have that house, and I'd like to see him get it too.

I can't really think of a whole lot to say, so I'll stop there.

Today was a very interesting day. We got the christmas shopping list all written out, now comes the hard part, buying the stuff. LOL We should be able to do so with very little trouble.Things are still a bit confused, but it takes time to merge two households into one. I think we're doing alot better than I thought we were going to be doing, so this is good.

It's been a rough weekend thanks to my back. On Friday Ron and I did alot of running around, and I ended up in serious pain. Saturday was the same, so I spent the vast majority of the day in bed. Today, I felt a little better so I've been up and moving a bit more, which was nice too. I managed to sleep fairly well last night, and surprisingly I went to sleep at 10:30 and woke up at 8:30. I was quite amazed. I did wake up a few times during the night, and Ron said I was still moaning and stuff with pain, but not as bad as I was Friday night, so that's good.

Today was mostly a very quiet day around here and I liked that. I decided to try playing the sims tonight. It's a game where you create "people" and basically move them through their days from jobs, to cleaning, to recreation, to sleep and everything in between. I normally do not like computer games, but I really enjoy this one! It's very cute, and very amusing. Plus, it was fairly easy to learn so I didn't feel stupid about not knowing the buttons to hit. The first "family" I created, the man set the kitchen on fire cooking dinner, which I had not told him to do. In the process of trying to put it out, he died. It was very odd, but hilarious as well. I "evicted" that family and deleted them, then created a new family. A man and a woman. So far, it is going much better. It is also alot easier to get everything done around the house with two people. And since they talk to each other, they don't start whining for "social company". LOL They do however whine to go to bed, eat, go potty, and have "fun" which means read the newspaper, watch tv, or read a book. Not all that exciting I guess. But it was alot of fun to play.

Tomorrow I see the pain clinic doctor again, so here's hoping he will adjust my medication to take care of this new level of pain while I wait for medical insurance so I can go see a neurosurgeon and find out if it is the disk that needs to come out. Part of me hopes it isn't, but part of me hopes it is. The idea of now knowing what is causing the pain is quite agravating to me.

I haven't done much writing, but I've done some thinking, though not alot of heavy thinking. Mostly I've cuddled with Ron and done pain control this weekend, so not a whole lot to talk about.

night :)

I've been doing alot of thinking about writing. Seriously writing. Writing stories and such has always been a dream of mine, and I think, now that I have alot of time on my hands, that I am going to start working at it. I am badly out of practice, but I figure a little practice will only help me out. Here's hoping.

I will probably find myself using this blog as not only a place to discuss BDSM, my submission, and my life, but also as a place to work out article ideas and other such writing type thoughts. I tend to think about so many different things, and I tend to lose them if I don't write them down or somehow record the thoughts for later development into articles or poems or short stories or whatever. So I think this blog could be a great help in that area.

Things here have been going pretty well the last couple of days. Except for the severe pain in my back today, that is. I went out with Ron for a while today. We ran some errands and ended up doing a great deal of walking in the process. But we were able to scout out some Christmas present ideas, as well as look at wedding rings for when we do get married. He chose a beautiful one for me, and it's even the kind of ring I've always wanted. I was quite surprised that his taste for a ring on my hand was so similar to my desired style. It was a very sweet and warm moment for both of us I think. We will be doing more talking with the children, of course. I, for one, am still concerned with taking their feelings into account. I do not expect complete acceptance or overwhelming joy at the prospect of the marriage, but am not willing to force acceptance if the complaints are of a very intense and deeply emotional nature where forcing such acceptance would backfire on us into resentment. I do not want to hurt his children, or my own. Thankfully my son is quite young, and he just adores Ron, so he has no complaints. LOL

My back has caused me to feel rather guilty today. I know it's not "right" to feel guilt over my back and the limitations it sets on me, but I don't seem to be able to stop those feelings. I am, however, not falling into a depression or anything over them. They also do not last very long. Mostly I feel guilty about saddling Ron with the restrictions my back will set upon certain aspects of our relationship. I sometimes feel that he deserves someone who doesn't have to spend a couple days a month sitting in bed because she can't walk. However, he understood what the restrictions were before we got involved, so I know he accepted those restrictions. He does not feel the least bit cheated by any of this. Which is a good thing. I don't feel cheated as much as once in a while I feel frustrated. I get so tired of pain. The whole idea of having another surgery scares the bejesus out of me too! I'm tired of being cut open, dealing wiht recovery, physical therapy, and exercises. Not to mention braces and bed rest with initial recovery. Oh well, I will deal with it I'm sure. It's not like this will be my first back surgery, and it probably won't be anywhere near my last one either. But I can hope it will be one of the last ones.

One of the things that continues to run through my mind is the bit about listening and how important it is to effective communication. I think it's sticking in my craw because I know I left it out of my original article on communication. And communication is such a neccessity in BDSM relationships, or any other kind of relationship for that matter. I am going to have to rewrite that article soon or these thoughts are going to drive me nuts! Sometimes that is how I write. Things spring almost completely written to my mind, and they pester me until I write them down. When that happens I can usually sit down and just type as fast as I can to get the thoughts out, then play clean up fixing spelling errors, grammatical errors and moving paragraphs around so the article or story or whatever flows better without seeming to be stilted or limping along. When my writing goes like that, just BOOM and it's done, then I know it will be a pretty good piece of work. I love when that happens to me, because it is such a rush. The desire to write is so intense it literally becomes a driving force that does not stop pushing at me until I get the words out. The act of writing the words, either by hand or in the computer, brings with it an amazing emotional release, that is almost physical at times. When the peice is finished, I get a very intense feeling of satisfaction as well as awe. Usually the awe comes about if the piece basically wrote itself in a short period of time. I'm always amazed when I manage to write a 6 page short story in under 2 hours and most of it is pretty darn good. Or when i have sat down and just wrote out 5 or 6 poems in 30 minutes. Poems that are amazingly clean in their rough draft state. It is at these times when I will sit back and wonder what the hell is inside me. Some people understand this need to write, and the rush that comes with it, and the ability for articles, stories, and poems to literally write themselves. As well, they can understand the pushing desire to write that is so strong is consumes almost all conscious thought until it is released. simi understands this, and she writes in the same manner sometimes. I found that fascinating as well as reliving to know. Knowing someone else feels/thinks/writes in a very similar (or duplicate) manner as I do, made me feel OK because I'm no longer alone with those feelings. I'm not "unique" or "weird". Well, ok, maybe I am weird, but at least I have good company here in the weirdo corner.

Ron is extremely supportive of my writings and I appreciate that so much. He believes in me, and believes I have talent. I like knowing that he believes in me. I'm not so sure about the talent part being as big as he thinks it is. I do think that I have a little talent and can write half way decently, which is alot better than some people I've seen who are actually being published! Ahhh that's my dream though. To be published. A book with my name on it as the author. But I think that's every writer's closet dream. And I think there are alot more writers in the world than people realize. With the internet being such a big deal, and the craze to build web sites, I think it has become an outlet for those closet writers to write. There are hundreds (if not thousands) of sites dedicated to writings be they poems, prose, short stories, or any other form of writing. Web sits about the mechanics of writing, how to submit for publication, where to submit for publication and sites that are basically a gallery of the site owner's writings. I've been to hundreds of sites that contain original pieces of writings in all kinds of genres, and am constantly amazed by the amount of truly enjoyable writing to be found on the web. I'm also amazed at the amount of bad writing that can be found as well. But good or bad, the writing is out there, and people are reading it. It takes alot of courage to put one's private works on display on a web site. You're literally placing your thoughts and ideas, pieces of yourself, out in public for review. Thus you face the possibility of rejection, and rejection is difficult to deal with. I've found though that some rejections are not all bad. Those people who review one's work, and send their comments that include such things as ways to improve the peice or other such constructive criticism have helped me to write better in many ways. But the one thing that has greatly improved my writings skills is to simply write. Write all kinds of things, whenever the mood strikes or even when it doesn't. In this way I practice sentence structure, thought processes, placing those thoughts in logical order, or at least a readable order, selecting words, editing to cut out superfelous words, and so many other little things that seperate a bad peice of writing from a competent one. Even these blogs are an accessory to that writing practice. And I think a very good one too.

Well that's about it for what's running through my mind tonight. So I'll just stop here.

Things to smile about: a rainbow, a warm sweater on a cold autumn morning, the giggles of a 4 yr old child, the emotion behind a personal dream, the hope of realizing a dream

the last couple of days have been quite interesting, though extremely stressful. Ron and I had decided to get married and it freaked out the kids. Which, to a certain extent, I was expecting. But, I was not expecting some of what we got. I got a major intuitive feeling that if we forced the wedding on one of the kids, that the child would resent Ron for it. And, after speaking with the child at length today, I was right on that score. However, from talking with the child today, I think I have opened the lines of communication to her, and smoothed things out a bit.

When I first arrived here I found myself always on edge. Not surprising since I lived the past 18 months on edge, waiting to be yelled at. So my patience was very low and I yelled alot faster than I prefer to. I have put forth tremendous effort to not yell as much as it was what Ron wanted, it was something I wanted to curb myself, and I felt my yelling was scaring his daughter. Sure enough, it was. However, I have made strides in this area. So when the complaint was made that I yell to much, as a reason for Ron not to marry me, I was very hurt. I did however speak with the child and I didn't ask her anything about my yelling, I just explained to her why I had put the wedding off. She was relieved because she had been thinking that I would not marry Ron ever at all, when that was not what I had meant. But I could see how she got that idea, I wasn't exactly clear about it. Anyway, she voluntarily told me that she noticed a great improvement in my yelling. She says she noticed the change over the last couple of days. She decided to spend the week here with us rather than with her mom. I think that was partly because she missed it here and a bunch of other complicated reasons. But from talking to her I was able to find out where my guess work for her feelings and thoughts were correct, and where I was wrong. Overall, I was mostly correct. When I explained to her my reason for putting the wedding off, that being I did not want to cause her any unneccessary hurt, she seemed quite amazed by this. I think I touched her in some way by explaining this to her. All in all, we talked very easily for about 45 minutes, and it was a very enjoyable conversation.

Like with Sam, my daughter, I realized last night that if I wanted things to change between Ron's daughter and myself, I had to make the first moves. So I did. and I am glad that I did. SHe also told me she feels now that she will be fine if Ron and I marry in December. I am very grateful for that. She said she was very happy that I had spoken with her. And I am glad I did too.

THis morning, Ron hurt my feelings. I know he did not do so on purpose. From his point of view he was relaying a joke that he had said to his son. But it hurt anyway. When it comes to paying the bills, I am very vulnerable to hurt in that area. I do not feel that I have good control over the bills at this point. THis is partly caused by the financial condition we were both in when we merged our households. And from having guests for a few months, everything got all screwed up. those guests made it that we were paying over a thousand bucks a month for food, and about 400 for cigs. It was truly insane. But as such, things got a bit screwed up bills wise. Anyway, one of the bills that was behind, but getting closer (and it was behind from before I got here) to being up to date, finally got tired of waiting and they came and shut off the electricity. I felt like I had failed Ron, that I had screwed up so bad. I felt that I was irresponsible, even though I knew it wasn't just me but a combinations of many different things that led to this. I tried to explain this to Ron, but i do not know if I actually did or not since the whole cancelling of wedding thing occured late yesterday evening. Anyway he cracked a joke which basically told someone that i was to blame for the electricity going off, and that he was thinking of a sufficient punishment for me. This immediately hit upon my own sense of failure and hurt me to the quick. I couldn't help it. Of course, my reaction angered Ron because he really was only joking and he left angry. I cried for a few minutes in the bathroom with my face in a towel. ayli talked with me and I remained angry almost all day. Until the kids came home and showed me their report cards. They all did very well overall I think. Part of my taking it wrong could have been that I woke up and the first thing I realized was the marriage had been cancelled and I was hurting from that. So maybe i was just already shook up. Who knows.

Anyway it's been a rough couple of days. Overall though, I have to say that I am proud of the way I handled most of it. I didn't lose my cool, nor did I just stop following Ron's rules for me. Which, to me, is a big deal :)

COMMUNICATION

Communication is something that affects every single relationship a person can have. Business relationships, acquaintences, close friends, lovers, children, almost everything. How we talk with one another, and how we listen to one other is what makes up communication. So why is it that something so important is dismissed as no big deal? People have focused for quite a while on learning to talk to one another. Be more open. Express yourself. Talk about what you feel and what you think. Bloggers are a place to do that in. A place to communicate your thoughts and feelings to someone else. Maybe to perfect strangers or maybe to your friends, or maybe just to get your thoughts out of your mind. Everyone is rushing to talk about everything. The emphasis is on talking. Why bother talking if no one is listening? I mean, we all sit around and agree that talking about things is good. Though there is such a thing as over talking something, but that's not my point right now. In general everyone agrees that talking is a good thing to do. Talk out your problems, find solutions. You can't find solutions without talking to identify the problem in the first place. It seems to me that the other side of this coin is getting lost in the shuffle. It is not as often that you will hear someone say "Listen carefully to what someone else is talking about' unless it is in response to a complaint that someone doesn't feel heard. Communication is a two way street. One must talk, and one must listen. And I don't mean the half way listening that so many people do so well. Hear just enough to assume what the other person is going to say, and then break in and respond to your assumed conclusion because half the time the assumed conclusion is probably incorrect. So why isn't more emphasis placed on truly listening to someone else. Actually hearing and processing what you've heard, before you respond to it? I wonder if this is a side effect of the rush rush soceity in which we live. Everyone is rushing to do things, get them done faster, quicker, hurry hurry hurry. People don't take the time to relax and just sit and listen anymore. And it's not just listening to what other's are saying either. people don't sit and listen to the wind, or the sound that rain drops make when they hit something. Or the sound of leaves crunching when you walk on them in the fall. Or the sound of leaves rustling in the wind when they're still on the tree. The sounds of crickets, birds, and insects. There are so many things taht people miss out on by not listening. We don't listen to each other, and we don't listen to the world around us. Sure there are some great listeners out there, and there are some people who do stop to smell the roses once in a while, or just listen to the world around them. But in general this is not something people do regularly anymore. When it comes to inerpersonal relationships, listening and understanding what you are hearing is truly one of the best ways to make that relationship a close satisfying one for everyone involved. It is so easy to break into someone else's sentence, and correct them, or give your opinion of what you think they are going to say. This can so easily create arguments and resentment for not being heard.

I remember reading about communication in the book Men are from mars, women are from venus a few years ago. And it talked alot about learning to be an effective listener. I've read books about "Don't sweat the small stuff" and it too contained information on being a better listener. So why isn't more emphasis placed on learning to effectively listen to someone else? In BDSM we talk about how important open honest communication is to the relationships within bdsm. We talk about being able to discuss anything wihtout fear of retributioon, yet often when a relationship fails, one of the problems that caused it to fail is usualy communication. It wasn't good enough, open enough or non existent. I think when we discuss communication we should include just how important truly listening is to effective communication. Communication is difficult under the best of circumstances. It is sometimes so hard to find the right words to convey what you are meaning or what you are thinking. And in this day and age people jump to conclusions nine times faster. Partly because they aren't listening correctly. Sure, they're hearing the words, but they aren't processing them to get their full meaning. Instead, like everything else now adays, people rush listening up. A person can talk until they are blue in the face, but if they don't feel truly heard and understood, then the door to resolution of a conflict will remain closed because their hurt,anger, upset, or whatever will remain in the way.

Not listening effectively is something everyone does from time to time, even the best communicators in the world. This was brought home to me today when I had a discussion with ayli and realized that I had stopped truly listening to what she was saying. I was still hearing the words, but not processing what they meant. Thus, no real progress was made in the discussion and this leads to arguments and fights. However, if I had truly listened to what she was saying, and processed it before responding the argument would most likely have been avoidable. Another reminder that I can't let up on reminding myself to really listen to someone else. It is so easy to get caught up in life and forget to really listen. This whole thing just made me start thinking about communicating and how we talk to one another. The talking is getting better, but the listening still needs work.

I am beginning to get actively frightened of the pain in my lower back. The neurological symptoms are increasing. I woke up yesterday morning and literally started crying because the first thing I could feel was the pain. My left leg would not move at all. I was almost in a panic. I am very afraid that somehow I have hurt the degenerated disk again. I guess I will find out when I get health insurance and get to the doctor. I will mention it to the pain clinic doctor when I see him again on the 20th. I don'tknowif there is anything he will do for it, but I have to at least let him know what is going on.

Yesterday was an odd day. It started out OK and ended ok, but the middle of the day was not so much fun. I am having my PMS week, which explains why I've felt so "off" for a couple of days. And I am fairly positive that this has been affecting the way I view things. I know that I overreacted to a few things yesterday and in the process said some stuff I probably shouldn't have. But what I over-reacted about still stands as something that I am very much against. The discussion came about about abusive acts in BDSM. No big deal. Normally it is extremely difficult to define any act, by itself as abusive. The act must have the abusive intent behing it in order for it to be abusive. Least, that applies for most things. The question was raised about hitting my lower back. Master stated that if he were to hit it on accident, then continue hitting it on purpose, it would be an abusive act to him. I have to agree with that, especially since anyone who plays with me is made well aware of the dangers of hitting my lower back. With my back the way it is, striking it could cause permanent irreprable damage to the sciatic nerve and thus landing me in a wheelchair. The comment was made that doing such a thing (striking my lower back) on purpose, to teach me a lesson, would be OK. Need less to say this really bothered me.

And I've been thinking off an on ever since. Just where is the line between acceptable punishment and unacceptable punishment in a bdsm relationship. I just can not grasp the idea that maiming someone, or causing permanent physical harm to someone, is an acceptable form of punishment. It may change their behavior, but it doesn't make much sense to me beacuse the behavior would change for the wrong reasons. Some examples that were givne of such things were removal of the clit, cutting off fingertips and creating large scars as a reminder that the person screwed up. I do not think that this is correct behavior. Why purposely harm someone that you are supposed to care for and protect? I just can't see the logic. Now, were these things to be done for body modification purposes, though I don't like them, I can at least understand and accept their occurance. If someone wants to remove their clit, go for it but it certainly isn't for me. I just don't see the purpose in maiming someone because they screwed up. And I can't help it but if someone begged for such a thing to be done in order to gain forgiveness from someone I wonder just where they are psychologically. I mean, to beg to be maimed in order to gain forgiveness for a mistake, just doesn't strike me as all that healthy. I don't know, it's just not something I can conceive of.

Last night was extremely interesting. Ron and I were online for a while together. He started teasing me online, and would come into the bedroom and play with my pussy. He wanted me to stay horny, he succeeded. At one point he inserted a vibrator and had me turn it on and off at his command. I had to put a towel on the chair. LOL We played quite a bit last night and I loved it! We also talked alot.

One of the things we discussed was his "taking" of me. The night before last he gave me a back rub, during that he got on top of me and just took me from behind. No real concern for whether or not I acheived orgasm like he usually has. He started whispering in my ear about how I belong to him, and he could do whatever he wanted with him. He was pushing me into the bed and holding me down. I was going nuts. I loved it! Last night, he did the same thing a few times. We talked about it. He said that he had been taking things very slowly, not wanting to go too far too fast. Not wanting to scare me. And not wanting to find himself doing things that he really didn't want to do. This being his first time ever living d/s 24/7 he said he needs to learn just what he wants out of it, and how best to go about getting it. He said he has started to feel alot more comfortable with just taking what he wants from me because it has become obvious to him that I like being used that way. Honestly, I am extremely glad that he is taking his time. Feeling out both himself and me. It is making it alot easier for me to feel very secure in my submission to him, and his use of it. He is a very smart man. No matter what I am feeling or thinking, I can talk to him, and he won't freak out all over me. And he talks to me too, which is something I truly love. I'm am so glad that we are together. He said we are growing together and we will continue to do so. I like that too :)

I did alot of work on the web site today. I set up a toybox so people can buy implements and adult toys from my site and I get a percentage from the sales. I added more books to the books pages, specifically the erotica section. I am very proud of the work. I am hoping that these afiliate programs will help in paying for the site. I would love some day to actually run my own business, but that is a long way off.

Well that's about all I can think of to write tonight.

This evening was a fairly rough one. I was not feeling very well. My back was screaming bloody murder, most likely from my sleeping on the love seat (I still can't believe how much room a 4 yr old can take up in a full size bed.. LOL).The pain made me cranky because I was having a very difficult time controlling it. And for a while the pain just kept rising. I finally gave in and took an extra pain pill (which I can do, I just don't like doing it) and the pain has finally subsided enough that it is in control. But while it wasn't, I was cranky and I hate being cranky. I don'tlike feeling as if anything I say will come out wrong, or feeling that I will snap at everyone. I don't like actually doing it either. Ron was very tired when he got home from work, he didn't sleep well last night either.

Ron and I decided to move the wedding date from January 26, to December 2. The 26th is the day before my birthday and is the day the LnR munch is supposed to start. (hopefully we will be able to afford having a munch) So we didn't want to hold the wedding too close to the munch and thus make people think they had to attend the wedding and/or give presents or stuff like that. Also, one of the people coming to the wedding (Ron's best friend) mentioned that he may have to bring his son. Now I don't have a problem with children at weddings (large or small weddings) but we are working our butts off to make sure we do not have children in the house for the weekend of the munch. That way, if people wanted to play, they could and we could set aside a couple of rooms to play in. We wouldn't have to worry about kids seeing something they aren't supposed to, or the conversation being inapropriate for the kids. So when Ron's friend said he might have to bring his son with him, and would stay for the munch that weekend, we decided to move the wedding. That way, there will be no problems for the munch. Also, Ron realized that by putting the wedding on Jan. 26, it makes the month rather tight for remembering birthdays and such. There would be 3 or 4 dates one week or so apart that he would have to remember. I'm not sure if he was serious about this, or if he was kidding, but I thought it was rather amusing. :)

The kids seem to finally be accepting the fact that we are going to get married, and I'm glad. But I do still feel like I've caused some trouble between Ron and his daughter. Though, I know logically that any woman he got involved with would have caused problems, I still feel responsible. I know it's probably stupid to feel that way, but I can't help it. I like his kids, and I want them to like me and I think for the most part they do, but the youngest also resents me and is jealous of me. I understand how she feels, and it all makes sense, but it still hurts me. I have talked with her a few times, as I have talked with my daughter as well. I'm not sure though if it is doing any good. I do hope it is. I tried explaining that just as kids their ages need to be with other children their age, adults need to be with other adults. And that by being with another adult it does not in any way mean we love our children less, or that we need them less or that we don't want them around. Hopefully by putting it that way (kids needing other kids) I put it into a manner they could understand. I did ask them why they wanted to hang around kids in their age group, and they said things like they don't have to worry about their friends hating their music (as most adults do), their friends are in the same situations as them (school, boys, homework, siblings etc) so they understand each other, and other things like that. I said that it made sense to me and that it basically boils down to they need someone who can understand them and their lives easily, thus someone their own age. I told them it was the same for adults. With the girls being 11 and 12, I figure they should be able to understand that. I hope they do.

Kyle continues to change every day. He is now speaking in sentences more often than not, and his use of singular words to describe what he wants is becoming more and more infrequent. I am so proud of him for that. Instead of just sayiing "milk!" when he wants milk, he now says "I want milk, please". Though the please is an iffy thing, once in a while you have to remind him to say it, but that's ok. It is still a drastic improvement over how he was just 4 months ago. He has finally started sleeping later again, though today was a miracle, he slept until 9:30 in the morning. I couldn't believe it when ayli told me about that one. But it's good beacuse it keeps Kyle from being real cranky and whiny around dinner time and it prevents us from having to force a nap on the kid. Which, in my opinion, is a good thing. I hate having to argue with the kid to get him to lay down long enough to fall asleep at 1 in the afternoon when he doesn't want to lay down, but needs to lay down. He continues to do very well on his learning programs and now he talks along with thim. Today he counted to 5. He is learning so fast now it's amazing!!

Sam continues to be happier, though she gave me a rough time yesterday. She seemed very cranky in the morning and again after dinner. I don't know why, she keeps telling me she's fine and nothing is wrong. But her behavior sure appeared to be saying something was bothering her. She talked back more than usual and was very uncooperative, which again is unsual for her. Today though, she seems much better.

I've been doing alot of thinking about the wedding and being married again, especially to my master. I wonder if being married to me will somehow increase Ron's feelings of ownership and dominance? It would be interesting if he reacted that way. I also wonder if it will make me feel more owned, or if it will make me feel more "vanilla"? I'm not sure, and I can't know for sure until it happens. I do know that I want to be Ron's wife. I am not afraid of marrying him. I do not think itis a mistake, and having known the man almost 4 years now, I'm pretty sure he isn't going to be some raving lunatic once the vows are said. he is everything he has always described himself as in daily life. I like that. I love Ron, and I have for a few years now. It's is hard to find words to describe how happy I am with him which frustrates me. I hate not being able to find the words to describe something I am feeling. Oh well. maybe they'll come to me in a dream!! LOLOL

Other than those few things, nothing major is running through my mind today. no big thoughts or confusions. no rambling diatribes, which is probably a relief to anyone who reads my blogs. LOL

Yesterday was another very good day. I am glad to be feeling better finally. Though, as I had thought, it seems that any emotionally down time in regards to my time out west, is followed by an up time where I have settled some things, layed them to rest so to speak. I do think that the other blog has helped me in that way as well.

Yesterday I put 18 new pages on the site and today I put 4 already. It's been a busy couple of days. I still have to work on my articles and poems, get them written out, cleaned up, and posted to where they belong. But I just haven't found the time. Between working on the site and working on the house (plus spending one on one time wiht Master) I just run out of time. But I'm caught up on the site now, so that's good. Though, it probably won't stay that way forever. The housework is fairly caught up, except my bedroom which needs cleaning real bad.It's not a complete mess, but it's messier than I prefer.

That's about all I can think of writing right now. Later :)

why is it that I always do my best thinking and writing late at night? I was writing in my journal, the handwritten one, about my day and how I was feeling. And it developed into stream of thought on appreciation, submissives and slaves differences in this area, and how the little things can often mean so much. I guess discussing how much I appreciate hearing from master that he is pleased by the things I've been doing caused me to become inspired. So I figured I'd come and type my thoughts in here.

I often tell people that it is the little things that make a difference to people. So far, that statement remains true in my opinion. For me, it is the little things that mean so much. They are the things that mke me proud. Things that give me warm fuzzy feelings. Things that cause me to react in a very service orientated manner. Knowing that master appreciates the things that I do makes me want to continue doing them and causes me to strive to do more for him. Knowing that he likes the house better now, that it feels more comfortable to him, that he finds it a pleasure to come home to it after work, makes me feel very proud and very happy because I pleased him. But it also makes me feel like I am doing the right service stuff. I strive then to keep the house clean (the last couple days, doing what I can, though ayli still does the majority of the cleaning) and comfy for him to come home to. (he said he likes to see the counter clean and empty at night, so for two nights in a row, I did the dishes and the counter was clean and empty, also he likes to not have a mountain of clean clothes waiting to be folded, so I've tried to keep up with the laundry and get it folded and put away before it piles up too high, ayli does the majority of clothes washing, so it evens out that I do the folding.) To many people this does not seem like a big deal, but to me, as a service sub it is. I don't expect him to tell me every night that the house looks great, but I do like hearing it. Noticing and commenting on the many things I do, once in a while, creates a great motivation within me to continue doing those things and to do more. It prevents the feelings of futility as if I were throwing my energy into a bottomless pit and achieving nothing. Giving positive feedback is such a little thing, but it can effect so many areas that it becomes a big thing. Though I think for me, it means so much more due to the fact that I don't feel 100% secure in my abilities anymore, and was having such a hard time for a few days there.

Everyone likes to know once in a while that their efforts are appreciated. No one likes to feel that they are taken for granted. This goes for subs too, I think. Some seem to think that a sub does not require appreciation. That the sub has a bottomless well of selflessness. I do not think that is true for everyone, but especialy not for those who's relationships include romantic love. Being taken for granted will eventually cause the sub to stop giving as much and they may not even know why. However, I do realize that in those relationships that do not have romantic love as a major part, it may take a lot longer before the sub stops giving as much because a certain level of indifference will be expected. Slaves however, are a whole different ball game. Many of them say that the silent acceptance of their owner is enough appreciation for them. Basically the abscence of any displeasure/complaints is automatically taken as acceptance at the very least, and appreciation/pleasure at the most. I'm not so sure that living something like that day in and day out would neccessarily work. I mean, there has to be a point where the absence of positive feedback/appreciation would breed resentment and anger. I know that for me, in some areas, I don't need anything verbal as feedback. My written journal is a perfect example. Master's silent acceptance of the words written within it are acceptance and appreciation of my efforts to fulfill the task of journal entries on a daily basis. Once in a while it is nice to hear master say he is pleased that I write in it, but I don't need it. His silent acceptance of it is a kind of appreciation in and of itself. An appreciation of my thoughts, feelings, confusions, fears, likes, dislikes, ups and downs, an acceptance of the person I am with all my quirks and faults. I like that.

But now I wonder. Can a slave truly be satisfied without any verbal appreciation or acceptance of their efforts at all? I honestly do not think so. I think their tolerance levels for silent appreciation is higher, especially if they are very secure in their own abilities. To them, the body language of their owner may be the feedback they need. But I can't help but think that eventually this lack of verbal feedback will cause problems. Probably the first to appear would be doubt. The slave doubting that their owner is indeed pleased with their service. Though, I guess it would depend on a lot of things. Like what are the emotions involved, if any? Is the relationship based solely on service without any romantic love? I can see how it might work. But I keep thinking that were a slave to be required to do the majority of household chores, always be available for the owner 's sexual use, and relinquish all control to their owner, yet be basically ignored outside of direct orders with no verbal appreciation or acceptance, that the slave would eventually stop serving because to do so would cause them more harm than anything else. A person can only give so much, without getting anything in return, before the very concept of giving becomes harmful to their mental health. Giving constantly, without ever hearing that what you are doing is appreciated, will cause erosion of self esteem. So why is it that so many online slaves say they do not ever need such feedback from their owners? Do they truly mean it? Or are they unaware of just how difficult it would be to be treated totally like a peice of furniture all the time? I honestly don't know. Or is it taken as a "given" in the m/s relationship that the dominant must give some kind of appreciation to the slave? I mean, in a healthy relationship, such feedback is a given. A healthy relationship includes appreciation of what each person involved does on a daily basis. It may not be spoken about every day, but once in a while the compliments are given. Those few words "You did a good job" or "I like that", can mean so much. I just find it very hard to believe that people can live completely without knowing that they do a good job, without hearing it from time to time. Maybe I'm just not capable of understanding a slave.

I don't see a dominant being less of a dom for telling their sub that they appreciate what the sub does. I can see where certain things become mundane and thus taken for granted over time, like laundry. But even then, when the sub does something a little extra, those few words can be priceless. I can also see where the sub stating to the dom that they are aware of what the dom does, and that they appreciate it is a small thing that is in fact a big thing. People like to know they are doing things right. Especially a service oriented submissive. In their case, their focus is on pleasing the dominant. If they do not ever hear that they are pleasing the dominant, it can be a major problem. Causing the sub to believe they are a rotten sub and don't make the dom happy. I don't know, interesting thoughts though.

Service subs tend to be thought of as nothing more than a maid. This is true from a certain point of view. But not everyone views service as being only housework and things of that nature. There are so many ways to service one's dominant. For me, yes housework is part of my service to him because I can't work. So instead, the house is my job and I do what I can to make the house a warm, comfortable, welcoming place that he feels good about coming home to and feels he can relax in it. I do my best to serve him in other ways as well, such as sexual needs (of course), s/m play areas, listening to him when he needs someone to talk to or someone to bounce ideas off of, giving him backrubs when his back is sore and he'll let me rub it. Making sure he gets his dinner on the night's he works late and is not home by dinner time. Having a fresh pot of coffee waiting for him when he gets home. Things like that are part of service as well, least in my opinion. It's not just cleaning, it's anticipating his desires and meeting those desires without being ordered to. Like the coffee, I know he likes to have a cup of coffee after dinner in the evening, especially if it was a long work day for him. SO rather than wait until he asks me or ayli to make a pot, I've taken to starting a fresh pot about 10 minutes before he is due home. That way, the coffee is already there when he wants it, and it isn't so old that it's nothing more than coffee flavored mud. It is things like this that are considered to be service. I've always enjoyed doing little things like that for others, and most of the time quiet acceptance is enough for me to know it's appreciated. But I do still need to hear the words once in a while. I think needing to hear the words comes from knowing that in order to thank someone for doing something, you have to first aknowledge what they did, then thank them. In the case of service things, when I receive a compliment or thank you, I know that it means master has noticed what I did and why I did it and that he was pleased by what I did. For him to say so, means he is aware of what I do. I think it's that awareness that matters the most. It means that what I do is not taken for granted.

well my mind seems to have wound down, so I'll post this and go to bed. :)