Collars

A while back the silver necklace that serves as my day to day collar got broken so I was without it for a while. The other day master fixed it and had me kneel before him to place it on my neck once more. Since then I've felt odd. Not bad or anything, just odd. It has made me wonder if having that physical presence on my neck makes more of a difference to me than I realized. I had always thought that my feelings of submission and being owned would exist just as strong whether I had the collar on or not. I was apparently wrong. I had not realized how much I missed wearing the collar until Master put it back on. I remember missing it a great deal at first, but part of it was caused by my own guilt as it was I who broke it and Master said I had to earn it back, which I am glad to say that I did manage to do. But since he put it back on I feel it constantly and my submissive feelings and the feeling of being owned have either become a bit stronger or are just being noticed more often because the collar is a reminder.

I had not realized how "off" I felt without the collar. I guess I just did not realize how much the collar affected me and how important it is to me. I get the same "something is missing" feeling if I remove my wedding ring for any reason. Having the collar back on my neck makes me feel complete again, less "lost". I know this isn't making much sense, but these thoughts have been floating around in my mind for the last few days so I figured I would go ahead and ramble to see if I couldn't figure out why the thoughts keep popping up. My guess is that they keep popping up because I was not expecting such a difference in how I feel. I feel closer to Master, quieter inside, happier, and more balanced.

Is it a bad thing that a material posession apparently matters that much? My feelings of love, devotion, etc to Master have not changed, I just notice them more often. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the millions of things one has to do on a daily basis and not notice one's emotions. Having the collar on my neck, feeling it, causes my mind to stop and notice how I *feel* more often. I like that a lot. I think it is important for people to stop and pay attention to how they feel, specially about their family and friends. People tend to get so busy that they don't allow themselves to truly think about and feel the connections they have for others. For me, the collar helps me to keep from taking my Master and our relationship for granted. It helps me stay in contact with my submissiveness, my desire to please and how much master means to me. I'm not saying that I stopped feeling those things without the collar on my neck because I did not stop feeling them, it was just easier to forget to stop and let myself just think about our relationship (or think about him) and just feel. If the collar helps me to do that more often then I do not see that as a bad thing or as being materialistic. I guess it is just sentimental.

I do not ever want to be without my collar again, same as I never want to be without my wedding ring. I am very grateful that master chose to keep me (and give the collar back eventually) rather than just outright release me as his slave for what I did. I am pretty sure that it is a mistake I will not make again so long as I remember the differences in how I feel now with the collar on and how I felt for the past 8 months or so without it. If the lesson master wanted to teach me had anything to do with realizing the importance of the collar then he suceeded. There are other things I learned as well, but I do keep some things off the internet. LOL

Communication On Lists and My Day

Old Hats and Novices

I brought up the topic of old hats and how they are perceived on my discussion lists because I thought it would make an interesting topic. I was also hoping to see some new faces posting, giving their ideas and opinions on how they read the posts that are put up by old hats. Someone brought up a point I had not really thought of very much, but I have to admit that he has a good point and I have experienced similar many times online, just this time I’ve run into the idealists more frequently then the other. I figure its just a matter of time until I see the other side of the coin as well.

Anyway, he mentioned that he has seen many people who do post in a very bitter, cold hearted, derogatory, and condescending manner to the novices. Rather than admitting that ideals can be goals, something we strive for, and tempering that with some examples of how those ideals don’t always work too well, they just throw out the worst things they can think of or outright insult the one who is speaking in ideals. Such behavior will make it very difficult for novices to feel comfortable posting, asking questions, or to learn anything. It will make people defensive and dig in their heels.

I can understand why someone would become bitter and cold if life has been very difficult for them. But I can’t help wondering why they would then want to participate in a discussion list where the idea is to learn from one another, share ideas and opinions and things like that. For me, when bitterness was something I felt frequently, I was not very open to new ideas and someone speaking in flowery romanticized language just annoyed the heck out of me. I stopped participating in discussion lists because I knew I could not really discuss anything and I was far from open to new ideas or ways of looking at things. What would be the point to be constantly tossing out such bitterness onto a discussion list? To use the really bad experiences one went through as proof that bdsm is a bad thing, or what?

He also mentioned that an argument that has popped up frequently on lists lately is the one over “whose relationship is more real?”. I have witnessed one such discussion of this topic since I started posting to lists again, and a few of the opinions expressed struck me as condescending, but the list was a moderated one so I am sure that some posts did not make it to the list, thus I don’t think I got a very good view of how this argument has been playing out. However, the bit I did see was what he said he has seen. People saying that only live-in 24/7 relationships are real and anything else is a fantasy. People saying that there is no way any power exchange relationship can be done in a long distance relationship or through a computer. Saying things like that defeats the whole purpose of discussion because it makes it very clear that the poster is not open to even considering that another option exists, or that maybe this does work for other people, and they certainly do not appear as if they truly want to try and learn more or understand the other point of view. I can see how such posting styles would very easily cause those who are focusing only on the ideals to hold onto those ideals ever tighter.

It seems sad to me that so many people believe saying things in a polite manner somehow removes the conviction from their opinion, thus they feel they are correct to speak as rudely as they want, or to be condescending. Saying something like “As I have no experience with online relationships, I have a hard time understanding how they could be as real as a relationship where the people live together.” Gets the point across without the direct insult of “online relationships are not real”. It is less combative and more open to real discussion of the topic and the possibility of learning how someone else might believe an online relationship is real.

All of us can only really speak from our experiences, to what works for us and how we came to those conclusions. Sure we can give options of other ways of doing things, but we can’t speak to those things from experience. If the whole point is discussion and learning from one another, then speaking in a way that encourages discussion rather than shuts it down completely would make more logical sense to me.

Wow, blogging two days in a row..it’s a miracle! LOL Today was a good day for me, my pain level is in better control thanks to another series of injections to the disks and the joint, though today I have that “its going to rain” ache going on it is not as bad as it was before the shots. This makes me very happy!! As usual I got an email from master giving me the tasks he wanted me to do in addition to my usual daily activities. He wanted me to clean the bedroom today, which I did. I’ve managed to keep up with the laundry, keep the boy child’s school work going, play games with the boy child, talk with the girl children, cook dinner, post to a few lists, and get everything done I was supposed to do today. I feel real good about it and when master got home he walked into the bedroom and just started smiling, which made me feel even better! Today has been a good day. :)

raven{Az}