I'm visiting my parents this week. It's interesting to say the least. All the people I remember as little kids and babies are now 18 or 19 years old, or married with kids of their own. I've only been away for 5 years, but it's amazing how much time has actually passed. I got married at 18 years old and moved out of my parents house. Since then I've had very little interaction/contact with my relatives. My cousins that I used to visit every week when I lived with my parents are now married and both are mothers. The third cousin was just a little kid when I got married, she is now in college. My nephews are both in High School, with the eldest one having a job, driver's license and a girl friend. I feel so out of synch here, like a time warp or something. I told my daughter today that I don't belong here, and it's true. I don't. I've always felt that I was on the outside looking in with my family, probably because I was adopted and I was never allowed to forget that. I wasn't "blood". Some "relatives" even refused to include me in family gatherings because of that. Interesting how the older Italians are about such things. My parents have gotten old. Which scares me. By my daughter has utterly amazed me. She has been very polite, friendly, and selfless since we arrived. She has helped my mother cook, clean up, talked nicely, laughed, and just been all around a perfectly well behaved, well mannered child and I can't tell you just how proud of her I am. I finally heard the words I've wanted to hear for those 7 long years of hell I went through with her from my parents, they said I've done an excellent job with her and that she turned out OK despite everything I did "wrong" as a mother. Sort of a half assed compliment, but from them that's the best I can get and surprisingly it meant alot to me to hear it. I wish they could have learned to compliment without the "but" there, but that's too much to ask I suppose.

All in all it's been a good visit though somehow hurtful for me. I look around the house I grew up in, and see the pictures of my relatives and realize just how far outside of their loop I am. No one sends me pictures, or letters, even when I send stuff to them. It's like I grew up, moved out, and now I don't exist, which I suppose is fine for them. I know this is the house I grew up in, but it isn't "home" for me. My home is with Ron, Kimmie and all the kids. I miss them so much it isn't funny. At least 20 times every hour I find myself wondering what they are up to, do they miss me, and wanting to go home. I find myself realizing that I am not only mortal,. but getting old. It's an eerie feeling. I told my parents about Ron, leaving out that we got married. yes I am a chicken shit. I don't want to deal with their negative reactions and lectures. At least not when I still have 6 days to stay with them, maybe I'll tell them on Friday, the day before I leave. We'll see. It's just been weird, and I'm having a very hard time sorting out my thoughts. I keep getting these moments of "insight" that are very surprising to me. Moments where I realize things about myself, my life, how things have changed, how much better my life is now, and so many other things. It's very disconcerting at times, joyful at times, and painful at times. Though I suppose that means this trip has been good for me and Sam, I don't know. Maybe tomorrow I will get a notebook (journal) and start writing some of my thoughts down. I can't use the computer much so that doesn't really help me since I can't vent on it like I want to. Also my parents tend to read over my shoulders, so I have to be careful what I say. It's been interesting.

I have had fun, I can't say that I haven't. We;ve had lots of talk and laughter and all that. Well I'm going to stop for now.

It's almost Christmas, and I am finding it so hard to believe that so much time has passed already. It feels like I just got here yesterday, but it's been half a year already. Where did half a year go?? I used to think my mother was nuts when she told me time flies, because to me at that time (as a child) I felt time was the slowest thing in the world, but now it seems like it does fly by. My daughter tells me time is so slow, but I have to look at her and smile because some day she will realize like I have, that time does fly. People tend to get wrapped up in living their lives and paying attention to everything they stuff their life with to keep themselves busy, or have fun, or just relax. It sometimes feels like life is nothing more than moving from one activity to another, and then there are times where there are no activities to do, and time still flies. I guess it goes with getting old. Next month I will be 32, and for some reason 32 is seeming harder and harder to accept, whereas 30 and 31 were not a problem at all. I'm not a child anymore, yet I still feel like one. I guess that it is true that if one feels old, they truly are. Some days I feel ancient.

My daughter took the news of no prosecution alot better than I thought she would. I am very proud of her. She is quite happy that I have not cancelled our trip back to Mass. I figured the trip would be good for her and for me, especially since they dropped any hope of prosecuting the case. I know some will see this as proof that Dennis didn't do anything, but that isn't the case. Sometimes I wish it were the case, but I can't deny the medical evidence and physical evidence stacked against this man. Nor can I forget that there are two other children that he has molested, one of them having overhwelming medical evidence as well. There is no doubt in my mind that this pedophile did indeed rape his own child. But I guess I have finally gotten through to my daughter with my seemingly constant reminders that revenge is just not worth it. I just feel so guilty that my assurances that the District Attorney would do something as soon as she was ready, turned out to be false ones. I try real hard to remind myself that they mislead me by telling me constantly that they would prosecute if I brought her back to Mass for another interview. Oh well.

I am trying very hard to enjoy Christmas, and so far I'm succeeding fairly well. I'm a bit anxious for it to be morning already. I hope the kids like their presents, and the first one to say "He/she got more than me!" I'm going to happily slap silly! (can ya tell I hate that kind of whining?)

Anyway..Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone!