Company Has Arrived

Master's family is here to visit. I really like them, they are alot of fun to spend time with. So I spent most of the day sitting in the dining room talking with one, two or all three of them. (Depending on who was napping and who wasn't LOL) They drove 16 hours to come visit for a week or so. I knew they were coming from months ago. They come every year, which is very nice. This year I felt slightly different, well more than slightly actually, about their visit. Not that I didn't want to see them or anything like that, but on my duty while they are here. I wanted to make Master proud of me as a hostess. I mean, this is his father, step mother and his sister, they mean a lot to him. As his slave, I wanted him to be proud of me and pleased by how I treat them. It is really easy though because I love them lots too. (grin) I think I did a real good job too. They seemed very happy, which was my goal.

Its going to be busy, confusing, noisy and all that for the next week or so, but its also going to be a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to it.

I can't describe how much better I feel after Master and I played the other night. I really needed it! I am a lot more relaxed and more peaceful. I really miss being able to play on a regular basis and sometimes I just *need* the release of pain play. I have noticed though that I can't take as much physically as I used to. I figure it is because we don't play very often due to privacy issues, so my skin isn't as tough as it was. Not that I had callouses or anything, but I did have a higher tolerance level.

There is a girl coming into LnR every day, she is very new to the lifestyle and thus at the whole fear filled confusion stage and trying to figure out if this is right for her or not. She doesn't even understand why she keeps coming back or what the attraction is for her. I remember that stage, though it wasn't as bad for me as I already knew I liked the kinky sex and that I liked making people happy, so for me much of it was major relief in having words to put to my desires, and finding out that I wasn't crazy because alot of other people had the same (or very similar) desires. But I did have the whole experience when I first entered a gorean chat room and something inside me went YES! even louder than it did when I first entered a bdsm room.

Gorean rooms can be very intimidating. There is so much for a slave to know. Positions, language, serves, food, beverages, silks and all the other stuff. I remember being afraid, confused and everything else because I was trying so hard to make myself conform to someone else's idea of what was the right way to engage in bdsm, even though I already knew inside myself that it wasn't completely right for me. I tried so hard because it was such a major relief to finally have those answers and fit in, I did not want to lose it. But I kept going back to the gor rooms. Out of embaressment and shame, I always said it was because the serves and such called to my creative side, the writer in me. But that was only part of the reason. The other part was because I thrive on the structure, I enjoy the rituals, I needed to be owned. Those were things I couldn't tell anyone, even myself, for the longest time. So many people look down on gor as unrealistic, silly, and all kinds of other equally insulting things. As time went on though, I did admit to myself at least, why I stayed in gor rooms and why I kept returning to them if I did leave for a while. Because being a slave is what I wanted and what I need, it is who I am. I can't say that I fully agree with all the gorean philosophy, but most of it I do agree with.

I can't agree that ALL women should be submissive and ALL men should be dominant, based solely on gender, because human beings are just not that simple. I can agree that for some people this is correct for them, but it isn't correct for all. The other things such as being honorable and such, I agree with whole heartedly. I am a strong individual, with my own opinions and I am not afraid to voice them most of the time. I can be stubborn and annoying (of course). I am a smart ass, and love to crack jokes and engage in verbal banter. These are all things that I had been taught a slave can not be. When I finally looked into it for myself, I found that not only is that not true, but that many slaves are very similar to me. That many dominants who want slaves, prefer slaves who are capable, intelligent, have a good sense of humor and all the rest. Most do not want someone they have to watch all the time or give directions to for every step of every little thing they do. They want someone who can be told "I want you to do these things" and then know that the slave will do the best they can to meet that expectation and handle whatever comes up while doing so in a manner that would be pleasing to their owner. That slaves are not mindless robots who are all alike or are just people who can't handle their own lives at all so prefer someone else to make all their decisions for them. This is just not true. Yes I give Master the power to make all my decisions for me, and he has final say in everything, but that doesn't mean I am relieved from the responsibility of handling my life. In actuality, I am required to not only handle my life, but to do it well enough to please him.

It is kind of nice to finally be able to say to myself that I am a slave, and I like it. :)

Thoughts Continued

Well I was talking earlier about how Master has tightened the leash on me and how my response has been to like it and have an increasing need to serve and to please, and that this surprised me. For a long time I believed that I would never truly feel this way again, at least not with any lasting depth to it. I was wrong. I am very glad that I was wrong too. It means I have healed from things I thought I would not heal from. Not only healed, but gone beyond where I was before. Most likely this is because I know more about myself than I used to know, partly due to all my experiences, good or bad. Everything I have been through and everything I have done, has contributed to the person I am today. Today's experiences will add to that and contribute to who I will be tomorrow or next year. Looking back to myself a year ago, I don't seem like the same person. And I know I am not. The fears I had then, are either completely gone or robbed of their ability to truly frighten me. They no longer prevent me from doing what I want to do, which is good.

I'm writing again, more consistently than I have for years and without fear of reprisal either. I am beginning to enjoy the process of writing again, the way I used to and am excited about it. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to explode because all the ideas I had in the past for articles and essays are still there, but they are not alone anymore. More ideas have been added. Apparently part of my mind contiuned generating ideas whether I was actually writing or not. I find myself with more ideas than time to write them all LOL. ITs okay though, I have plenty of time and I am sure I will be allowed to continue to write. Master could tell me to stop, but I know he won't do that. It is too much a part of me for him to want to get rid of it. Its a part of me that attracted him to me.

Losing things that make one the person they are, is often a fear that many people new to the lifestyle have, specially when discussing or considering slavery. I try to explain that a healthy master / slave relationship does not destroy who the slave, as a person and human being, is, instead it enhance them and many do not understand. The fear of losing one's self is a strong fear, one that is hard to overcome. In the wrong relationship, it is a possibility. Once people here that, they assume it will happen in every relationship simply because of the loss of control a slave has. But it doesn't work that way. In the right relationship, the slave grows and who they are is enhanced, not removed. Yes, some things get changed. For me its been learning better control of my temper and my mouth. Things I have wanted to learn but could not learn entirely on my own. The rest has been minor things like changing how I fold clothes to a way he prefers and likes. Would he change my showing intelligence? not at all. Would he change my comittment to my web site? no. why? because these are things which are important to me. He might ask me to not do them for a day or so, to spend alone time with him. But he would never make me feel guilty or neglectful for doing these things.

Well that's all I can think of and I have to go because a friend has called me.

Thoughts on recent events

Well, most people who know me, know I live in a household with 10 people in it. 2 are my kids, 2 are Master's kids, 2 are kids we picked up, 1 is Master's son's new wife, then master and myself and the nanny ayli. We are up to 6 cats (got two new kittens cuz master and I are softies LOL), 2 rabbits, 2 ferrets and a dog most of us don't really like. So our house is never quiet enough, or lacking people enough for us to play very often. Specially not playing hard because we have to keep the noise down. heck, the kids think we are making love or playing if we are simply giggling or laughing and the door is closed. this can be so very very annoying sometimes. Anyway, last night for the first time in months, ALL the kids (except the youngest) were GONE! YAY!! Luckily, the youngest was asleep so we closed and locked the bedroom door and for the next hour and half, we had a great deal of fun without thinking about noise levels or anything or anyone else. I know I really really needed that. Master said he did too.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about things recently. Mostly because I have noticed some changes in myself and in master that make me think. Master has certainly grown as a dominant and a master over the past year. He more easily accepts the fact that he enjoys being served, without feeling guilty for it. He accepts and enjoys the fact that sometimes he just wants to make me go "ow!" without feeling guilty or feeling as if he is abusing me. He demands more of me on a daily basis than he did before. Not so much in task areas, but in areas of behavior. The biggest being my mouth. I am quite sarcastic and a smart ass. I am real good at one liners and comebacks. Most of the time I am very good at knowing where the line is between funny and too much. But Master has recently moved that line backwards a bit, so I reach "too much" a bit faster than before. The most interesting part of this is my reaction to it. I kind of expected to be upset somehow if or when he tightened the reins on me. I have gotten used to having a lot of freedom, though I didn't really like it. Over the past year, he has pulled back how much freedom I have. So I expected to be upset by it or worried about it. But I'm not either one. Instead I find that I am happier, calmer, more focused and centered within myself. It just feels right.

As a result my desires to please and to serve have simply grown stronger. Sometimes the intensity of them does scare me, but it is not a huge amount of fear. Its just a fleeting fealing that doesn't last more than a few seconds. Woops. Matser wants the computer. I'll try to finish later or tomorrow.

New Tasks

I have a new responsibility, but its one that should be both a lot of fun and a lot of work. Ayli and I are now the leadreship of out local BDSM group! It should be a lot fun. Getting to meet new people, getting out of the house at least one night a month. I'm hoping we will make somre good friends in the grop.

Ok I am falling asleep here So I am going to have to stop here. I'll try to write more tomrrow