Jealousy In A Slave??? No Way!! (umm..reality bites but yes way!)

The Green Eyed Monster. Jealousy. One of the misconceptions about slaves is that a true slave is never jealous because they are happy with whatever makes their owner happy even if that means a second slave or more. This is not true. In this day and age people are more aware of the baggage they carry around, more aware of their issues and emotional/mental scars. I think part of this is because these things are talked about more often and better known than they used to be. I also think part of this is because society has become a "victim mentality"..meaning, blame someone else for everything and no one takes responsibility for their own actions anymore. But that's a different topic. (and a sweeping generalization too..there are some who take responsibility, not everyone is blind to their responsibilities)

Jealousy however, is a very real emotion. It is most often caused by insecurities and fears. In this day and age there are many people in relationships that have insecurities and fears from prior relationships. For me, there are quite a few. Mostly they center around my being afraid that I am not good enough and will eventually be replaced. Partly due to my disability and how severely it affects my day to day life. Partly because I have been replaced a few times in the past. Once due to having had my ex-husband's child, and thus my body changed. Once due to life being too stressful and the guy just couldn't face me cuz I reminded him of that stress. Once due to my back and how it affected my life. So that has created issues. The first and last ones more than the second. I have worked very hard on resolving the issues and the low self esteem which accompanies them, but it has not been easy. I still occasionaly get twinges of jealousy and fear being replaced. Its not as intense as it used to be, but it is still there.

When this happens I feel very guilty, un-slave like even. I don't want to be jealous or fear being replaced or losing Master. But to hide those feelings and lie about them to him by denying they exist, would be even worse in my eyes. So I tell him about them when they occur, even though I worry that they will upset him, make him frustrated with me, or even make him keep some of his own thoughts or feelings to himself out of fear of upsetting me.

An incident occured last night that brought this up for me and I've spent most of today thinking about it off and on, examining my feelings and reactions. Overall I am very proud of myself and how I am handling it. A year ago this would have sparked off major self doubt, fears and depression. Two years ago, I probably would have withdrawn from Master and "licked my wounds" (which would have been self inflicted anyway, as they usually are.) But this time, I told him how I felt and I have not pulled away, nor have I fallen into constant "I must be doing something wrong" thoughts. I did get the spark of fear that I was not good enough for Master, and my mind used my disability and limitations as proof. But instead of letting that fester, I told Master that the feelings were there. He is a very understanding man and very very patient. I am very lucky to have him. (He doesn't like jealousy and such, but he does understand that with my history, some issues are going to be there and take time to heal.) So we talked about it and that talk made me feel better.

As usual such an incident prompted my mind to start working. I have found that the best way to prevent jealousy is to work on the underlying fears and insecurities. If a person has a strong self-esteem and is secure in themselves and their relationship, they are not as prone to feeling jealous. By working on the underlying self esteem issues and insecurities, one can strengthen their resistence to jealousy.

I have come a long way and this incident proves that to me, and for that I am both grateful and proud of myself. But I know I would not have come this far if it was not for Master's love, understanding, patience, and support.

Honor In Slaves and Slavery

I was on IRC today and found myself involved in a discussion that pops up frequently in some gorean rooms. It was the old "slaves have no honor" discussion. I know that some people believe a slave has no honor of their own because a slave owns nothing, their Master/Mistress owns everything. Personally I do not agree with this.

Honor has been defined and redefined many times. When I use it, I mean it to say that an honorable person is one who is honest, trustworthy and reliable. Doing the right thing even when it goes against the crowd. Standing up for what one believes in. But not being arrogant or domineering.

I was trained that a slave's behavior reflects upon their owner at all times. Because of this, the slave carries part of their owner's honor with them. If the slave behaves in a pleasing and appropriate manner, this reflects well on his/her owner. If a slave behaves badly, this reflects badly on his/her owner. But beyond that, I think a slave has their own honor. In reality, slaves in m/s relationships are not raised to be slaves. So they do not have the cultural backing of a slave, and thus their mental state and their emotional states can conflict with their need to be a slave. a slave, in r/l, is also a human being and probably one that has their own interests, jobs and responsibilities. How the slave handles those areas of their life show whether or not the slave is honorable. The same qualities that define honor for a master or mistres, can be applied to a slave in r/l m/s. A slave needs to be trustworthy, honest, and reliable. They need to be able to do the right thing, even in the face of others who do not agree. They need to be able to stand up for what they believe in, what they want and need, so that they do not rush into collars and then regret them later. Honor is something I believe all human beings should have and it applies to both, dominants and subs/slaves.

Being a slave does not mean that I suddenly lack ethics or honor. I am still the same person I was before I became owned. I still have the same values regarding such things as telling the truth and fulfilling my responsibilities. If anything, my values have gotten stronger as now my behavior reflects not only on me, but on my Master as well. I take that very seriously. I know I am not perfect and I do make mistakes, but I try very hard not to make mistakes, specially in public, because I do not want to reflect badly on my Master. Such behavior fits clearly under the term "honor".

ok..lost my train of thought. I'm multi-tasking and I don't do that as well as I used to LOL