I am amazed at how much imprinting occurs on a person from the environment they are raised in and the people who raise them. I have easily slipped back into the bostonian mindset while I've been here. All the little ways of protecting my belongings while at the local mall, wathcing carefully for someone following me, or checking the backseat of the car before getting in, all those things. And the same reactions, responses and thoughts going through me when my parents talk or behave in a familiar manner. The ability to tune out their incessant sniping at one another. The ability to ignore their insults, at least outwardly, and appear to be accepting "constructive criticism" or "parental concern" when inside all I want to do is scream at them for bieng so judgemental and narrow minded people who can't accept someone taht does not meet their exacting standards and expectations from one moment to the next. It's exhausting and so sad. I find myself sitting here, feeling the way I did when I used to sneak a late night phone call to one of my friends to just talk to someone who accepted me for who I am by sitting here after they are in bed in order to blog. to vent. Knowing that this blog can't possibly judge me, and simply accepts everything I type into it. It's a nice feeling, rather stabilizing.

I learned that my parents have been married for 42 years already. I can't believe it. They almost always seem to be complaining about one another, and picking at each other, yet they have been together for that long. Is that becuase they were raised to so strictly believe that marriage was forever, no matter what? or is it because complacency has set in after such a long time making them believe they could not possibly be happy with someone else, or can't even see themselves will someone else? or has such a long time together made them feel that they must stay together because it's a habit? God, those are really sad reasons to stay married, to stay living with someone for such a long time. Maybe I am overly romantic and expecting too much from a long term relationship. Weathering storms and dealing with the many ups and downs of living is something people MUST do in order to have a marriage last more than a couple years. Life is not all roses and chocolate, sweet and pretty. Life is hard, dirty and downright cruel at times. A marriage must be able to withstand both extremees that life dishes out. But does it mean that the love has to be lost? God I hope not. Maybe I am flighty and idealistic, searching for a relationship that will keep the love and intimacy even when it is 40 years old, but I hope I'm not. I've heard of relationships lasting that long where the love was still so evident that it brought tears to my eyes. That is what I want. A relationship that keeps the love, support, caring and intimacy no matter what life throws at us. Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever knows what they are doing, or is it all a guessing game? I don't know but I hope that it isn't all a guessing game, because I suck at those. LOL