It’s been an interesting few days. I have Dreamweaver, versions 3 and 4. It is a program that helps make web pages, but also does a great deal towards maintaining the site. It means I am going to have to do some major overhauling on the pages to get them ready for dreamweaver maintenance, but that’s ok. It will make site wide changes a whole lot easier! If I need to change an email address all I have to do is change the templates and the program will change every page associated with that template. It will keep track of the last days a file was edited and automatically try to upload newer pages than what are on the remote server. It will also make a great deal of other things easier such as adding roll over images, forms, and more!

I got a call yesterday from the chief of the child abuse unit for the district attorney’s office in Massachusetts. I went over everything with him, especially the reasons I felt they were making an unfair decision about not prosecuting Sam’s case. He had to agree with me that the excuse of “it’s too complicated” is a cop out, that they don’t want to do the work on a complicated case. He had to agree that Sam deserves the right to seek justice if at all possible. He had to agree that their job is to prosecute criminals who abuse or neglect children. He had to agree with a lot of what I said. He did tell me he was not personally familiar with the case, but that he would review the case file himself and decide whether or not to move forward with prosecution. He said he would get back to me by the close of business on Friday. This may mean that I have to bring Sam back to Mass for another interview, and that the outcome of that interview will decide it so they do prosecute. It may mean that he feels the case is not winnable, though even he said that if I was giving him accurate facts, the case is very much winnable. I told him there is medical evidence from two separate doctors backing up my daughter and that all her psych files state clearly that Sam’s resultant mental problems were a direct result of having been raped by her father. I also told him that those records will show that Sam has remained quite consistent about her disclosures over the past 6 years, giving the same details over and over to her therapists. He basically agreed that this is all very damning evidence in a trial and would be enough, without her testimony to get a conviction, but coupled with her testimony would almost guarantee a conviction. So now I find myself hoping that they will prosecute. That Sam will finally get the justice she deserves. I also find myself very afraid. Afraid of the pain, disruption and tension this will cause. Afraid that I might not be strong enough to see her through this. Afraid that she might lose and he will be found not guilty even though I don’t think he will let it go to trial since he didn’t let a case that was one kid’s word against his, without medical evidence and with 5 prior years of lies from the child that it did not happen, go to trial. He copped a plea instead. Dennis is a chicken shit when push comes to shove.

Sam, of course, has been a bit tense since we discussed the phone call and what it might mean. I thought it was school stuff bothering her. I guess I have gotten very used to her being “ok” again because I didn’t even think that it could be the phone call and possible trial upsetting her. I feel dumb for that because I should have realized what was making her snippy and tense. Tonight she came to me, crying. She said she was so scared, and remembering it hurt her so much. I held her, let her talk and soothed her as best I could. She said that despite the fear she wants to continue to move forward. I told her that I also am scared, but I didn’t break down. God I wanted to just curl up somewhere and cry for hours, hide, pretend none of this ever happened, but I can’t do that and I know it. Instead I have to be her rock, her support. I have to remain calm as much as possible in front of her. I have to listen to her, soothe her, hold her and be there for her. If I fall apart she will not be able to do this. I know she is a very strong kid. I believe in her. But I also know she will need all the support she can get during this whole thing, especially if it goes to trial. I want to see this man pay for raping his own daughter, but I am so worried that I am not strong enough to deal with the tension this will cause. Maybe I too am panicking a bit, hell I probably am. Especially since I don’t know if they will prosecute or not. I also worry about my relationship with Ron. This is not going to be easy, it will take a lot of my time and concentration. I know Ron is a patient and understanding man. He is very supportive. But I fear that this will put too much stress on the two of us and tear us apart. Situations like this are not easy to live through, and they take a toll on everyone involved. I’m going to need him. His strength, love, and support to survive this. To help me be strong for my daughter I’m going to need him to listen to me and support me. I will of course do the same for him. When all of this first happened in 1993, it was the death blow to my marriage at the time. We just could not over come the pain and the guilt each of us felt and my then husband pulled away from me. Rather than going closer to one another for the support we needed, we both ended up dealing with it as best we could on our own. Neither of us did a very good job of it either. So this experience puts the fear that this will tear Ron and I apart deep inside me. I want so badly to believe that the strength our relationship has had for the past 5 years, and the strength we have now will be strong enough to keep us together through this. Part of me does believe this but I’m not sure if that is just the naive part of me, or if it is my instincts. Ron and I have handled a lot of things together, many of them painful and stressful. We did it by being there for one another and talking to each other. Leaning on each other as needed too. I hope we can continue to do this through this problem too.

If Sam reverts too much from this, I will put a stop to it. I’m hoping she won’t but I figure I best be prepared for the worst that way I won’t be overly shocked if the worst occurs. I have to mentally gear myself up for the same hell I lived with for 6 years from her. The tantrums, arguments, disobedience, attitude, nightmares, tears, and all of it. I figure if I gear myself up to deal with her absolute worst, I will be more readily prepared to deal with whatever does happen. I do think she has healed to a point where the absolute worst will not happen, though I have no delusions that this will be easy. This will be one of the hardest experiences her and I have to go through. But I think the end result will be very much worth every single tear shed throughout it if that bastard goes to jail. I think if he does go to jail, she will finally stop feeling that little nagging doubt that she somehow deserved his abuse and that small bit of guilt she still carries within her. For him to go to jail will be absolute proof that he was the one who was wrong, not her. That he was the one who screwed up, not her. But I am so scared. Scared for her, for myself, for my family and for my life. Part of me wants to kill Dennis. Part of me wants to just forget he exists. It is very confusing and I don’t like such emotional roller coasters.

It was so very hard to soothe Sam tonight. I did it right, and I succeeded, I know that. But it hurt me to see her crying over this again, to see the pure pain on her face and the fear in her eyes. She is so young. She is only 12 years old, even though sometimes she seems so much older. It’s at her most vulnerable times that one can very clearly see she is still a child and still needs the loving support of her family. She wrote me a note later telling me she loves me and thanking me for listening to her. I wrote back to her thanking her for talking to me and telling her again that she is strong. She seems to be ignoring all the successes she has already had, dismissing them I suppose because they are in the past, so they are not as fresh in her mind. I reminded her that she has already come a long way and has already succeeded over so many painful things. Telling her again that she is very strong, and that she has my full support at all times.

Ron and I talked afterwards and I told him my fears. I told him what I was expecting as far as the worst case scenario went, and as far as what I truly thought would occur taking into consideration the great progress Sam has made. He told me what I can expect if he gets over stressed and needs a break. I already know that he is pretty good at telling me how he will react in given situations, and so far he has always acted the way he said he would. The things he said he would do for that “break” (like walk around the mall for a little while, or go to a friend’s house and blow off steam) are all things I can easily deal with and not feel abandoned or anything else. Just so long as he doesn’t withdraw from me and refuse to talk to me about what is bothering him at all, or refuse to discuss the situation under any circumstances (which I seriously doubt will happen) we should be ok. I know he loves me and I love him. We work hard to keep our communication alive and working well. We have yet to have a real fight, which is great too! I think that has a lot to do with the fact that we can talk to one another and resolve things before they become so intense or stressful that one of us blows up. (Though I don’t think Ron blows up because he almost never yells, no matter what is going on.)

Sam mentioned being afraid of doing this trial thing, and feeling like she is betraying her family because “This is my dad. My flesh and blood. Though he was wrong, and is a bad person, I can’t get it out of my mind that he is my father” I can understand that, and for her, this must be one of the most difficult aspects of the whole thing. He is her father, and despite everything he has done to hurt him, there is a part of her that still loves him just because of who he is. That has to be so very confusing and painful all by itself. All I could tell her was that I realized that and I understood how hard it is to stand up to one’s parents, but that in this case, she is doing the right thing. I also told her that if she truly felt she couldn’t do this (not just a momentary panic outbreak of fear talking) that I would put a stop to it. That I would not be at all disappointed in her or angry with her. I’m not sure why, but that seemed to really calm her down and she told me that she didn’t really want to stop prosecution if they choose to go forward, but that she is scared. So we talked about fear for a while, and pain, and a bunch of other stuff. She did a lot more of the talking than I did, which is the way it needs to work. But she calmed down a great deal, even smiled as she hugged me and thanked me. God I love this kid so much! I am so proud of her. She has dealt with so many things a kid should not have to deal with, and overcome so many obstacles in her young life. I just wish she could readily see her own strength and see just how great of a person she truly is. Maybe this final act of dealing with her father will help her to see that.

Please God let us make it through this and let justice be done. Please. After all these years, give Sam the justice she deserves.

She asked me how a person knows what is the right thing to do. I told her that most of the time the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do as well but that once it is done, a person will be glad they did it no matter how hard it was. This, sadly, is the truth. It seems that people are the most satisfied with themselves when they have achieved something that was very difficult to achieve, worked hard to get something they wanted or to succeed in their lives. The hardest fought battles bring the most complete satisfaction. Again I reminded her of the many things she has already successfully fought. Telling her that what she has already gone through was the worst part, and it was. Facing the memories, the intense pain, the soul deep fear and the mind numbing dissociation were all so very difficult for her. Recovering her self esteem and a larger belief in his being wrong than in herself was a completely uphill battle that she won. Realizing that despite the pain she has lived through, life was still worth living and succeeding it was hard for her. Learning to open up and love people, and let them love her without all her fear based anger defense mechanisms (fighting, attitude, rudeness..all designed to push people away so she couldn’t get emotionally hurt again) were extremely difficult to repair. Learning to trust again was hard. Learning to see the good things in life, and in herself was hard. Talking, in detail, about the things he did and how it made her feel was extremely difficult. All of those things combined are a lot harder to do than testifying. I reminded her that she had the same fear reaction when she prosecuted that kid in school for touching her inappropriately all the time and that she still managed to do it. That she remained calm even when the kids attorney accused her of misplacing her memories of her father onto this boy’s shoulders and responding with a calm “that’s not true” instead of immediately yelling at the lady or attacking her. Basically reminding her that she has testified in court before, and that she succeeded then. I told her very clearly that testifying again will not be as difficult as all the healing she has had to do. She had to agree when I listed all of that and more, that she has faced some very difficult things and that she has succeeded. Again I told her that to be scared is normal and expected and it’s ok. She was so grateful. When she left the room, I wanted so badly to just break down and cry. To scream..throw things, break something. Anything. Lose it completely. But I didn’t. I couldn’t because I knew she was still awake and she would hear and that if she did hear it, she would lose confidence in my ability to support her. Even now, a few hours later, my mind is still jumping from point to point, my heart still beating fast, and tears still brimming in my eyes. The thought “I can’t do this!” keeps forming in my head over and over. Though I logically know this is fear based. It’s not that I can’t do it, it’s that I am afraid to do it. I am afraid. God I hate being afraid. I am also so very angry! Angry that it took this long to even get someone to review her case carefully and without bias. Angry that she absolutely has to take the stand if it goes to trail because Mass is a backwards state. Angry that it happened. Angry that he has gotten away with it for 6 years. Angry that I was stupid enough to listen to the so called professionals when he started hounding for visitation after not seeing her for a year and a half. Even angrier that the court gave it to him and I was dumb enough to go along with it. Angry that it ever happened. Angry that he would do this to his own child. Angry that she has so much pain inside her. Angry that she had to live with this kind of pain. Angry that she lost her innocence at 5 years old. Angry that she stopped looking at the world with that wide eyed child’s amazed view when she was 5. Angry that her life has not been everything I had hoped it would be. I wanted so badly for her to be happy, and to grow up normally without being touched by such violence and pain. I wanted her to never have to deal with serious self doubts, suicide thoughts or anything else. But none of that happened. It was torn from her when she was 5 and her father thought it would be OK to have sex with her. Where the fuck did he ever get that idea? What a sick bastard! I once said that it was as if he had killed her, and it was. The child she was disappeared. She was replaced with this terrified, pain wracked wreck who couldn’t sleep, think or feel safe enough to go outside. Who couldn’t believe she was worth anything at all. For years she fought those demons, fought the nightmares, and she almost lost. It was that almost losing that gave her the courage she needed to finally face it all and heal it, to get on with her life and stop living in the past. To stop hiding. I am so very proud of her.

Mostly though, I am so very scared of what the near future will bring. If they prosecute, which I honestly hope they do, my life (and hers) is going to get so much more complicated and stressful. I just hope I am strong enough to deal with this. Please God give me the strength to help my daughter through this, please.

Ok I have to stop here before I lose my mind. I need to go do something else and concentrate on something else before I start obsessing over it and find myself unable to function or think about anything but all of this. It is truly a terrifying thing to face when one is facing placing their own child on a witness stand to prosecute their own father for rape.