It was and is very much evident Ron and I feel the same way, but I think that was pretty obvious too.

Well I finally made it back home. Home, what a wonderful word that is, and it is truly wonderful to finally have a place that I can not only call my home, but feel that it is completely my home. I have searched for a long time for a place that I could feel at home in, and now I have it. It's amazing though that one doesn't always realize when they have found what they are seeking until they are removed from the situation. By going to Mass to visit family for a week, I realized just how much being here meant to me, and just how good it felt to be here. Realized that I had indeed found my home. While in Mass I missed Ron and Kimmie and the kids so much. I felt kind of lost and very much alone. I did not like those feelings at all. I also realized that the only place I wanted to be was wherever Ron, Kimmie and the kids were. They are my family and my home.

I know the few blogs I put up while I was there probably didn't make much sense, but I didn't have a whole lot of time in which to blog without someone looking over my shoulder and reading what I was typing. And it surely is a bad move to be writing things that would only result in causing an argument if my parents read over my shoulder. Alot of the time I spent up there, I was feeling very confused and very tired. I had forgotten how exhausting and exasperating my parents can be. I got the usual lectures and insults that I have come to expect, and though they don't hurt me as much as they used to, they do still make me feel sad. For the first time, I defended myself to my father and he didn't like it much. However, he did finally stop judging me long enough to finally listen to my reasons for the actions he disaproved of so strongly. He had to admit that I made the best choices I could in those situations. That amazed me. What would have amazed me even more is if he actually apologized for the last couple years of insults and judgements, but I was not expecting one, and he did not disapoint me in that area. He did not apologize. He did however express understanding of the choices I made, but even that understanding was a half assed backhanded insult/compliment mix. I found that I have done some more growing up in that I no longer let them affect me as intensely as they used to. I find it easier to let things slide with them. I guess I have accepted them for who and what they are, and in so doing have reached a point where I no longer expect them to change. I can't change them, I can't change the way they think or their preconceptions, all I could change was my reaction to them, and I finally succeeded. Sure the insults and disaproval still saddened me, but they didn't make me feel like a complete failure or anything like they used to. That is good. I suppose that means I have grown more secure in myself and don't need their approval as badly as I used to need it.

My daughter was very well behaved while we were in Mass. She was polite, helpful, and just wonderful company. Her behavior gave me a sense of vindication with my parents. I've lived with their disaproval of me as a parent, and their verbal insults of my parenting skills for so long that it was very nice to hear them say that she is a good kid and is turning out very well. They didn't exactly attribute her growth or behavior to my parenting skills, but I sure as hell did! LOLOL I don't need them to say it, it was enough for me to see the look of shock on their faces and the comments about how good Sam was because I've waited a long time to hear them say those things. I know who helped her get to where she is, so I didn't need to hear them attribute it to me, but it sure felt good to see them having to compliment her instead of telling me how bad she was. I spent many years defending Sam to her grandparents, and it was certainly nice to not have to do that anymore and to have her behavior back up every defense I have ever had to speak for her. They complimented her to her face, and I took those as silent compliments to my parenting skills because quite simply she learned alot from me as her mother, and I know it.

The really weird part about being in Mass for a week was how quickly my mother tried to treat me like I was 10 years old again or something. And it sure as hell didn't work. We didn't argue about it or anything, but I just simply continued to behave in my normal manner. It was very interesting watching them try to bite their tongues and prevent themselves from giving me a bed time, or telling me to be home at a certain time when I went to visit my friends or any other number of things a parent does with thier children. I am sure it was just as awkward for them since I was the baby of the family, the youngest child. It must be difficult for them to see me as the adult I am now, when they still view me as their child. I tend to have that same viewpoint with my children. In this respect my mother was right, I do understand everything she's ever told me about being a parent, now that I am one.

Well that's about it for now.