*smiles*

I will be there for you my Lady.......and for you...a small sample of my strenght....or weakness.....depends on how you look at it......

There was an afternoon a few years ago....just a few days after the custody battle...that Rose and Tony came to the house to see Rachel.....and when Nathan came out to say hello Rose brushed him off....They were out in the front yard......Rose at that time refused to come into this house....Nathan was hurt and upset by his Moms dismissal of him and went to his room.....So I went out and sat on the front step.....just to be there.....Rachel went inside after a bit and Rose spewwed a bit of her vemon at me.....Saying something to the effect that I didnt have to come outside and ruin thier visit with Rachel......At that moment I wanted nothing more than to kill them both...I would have given anything to do so....but I just sat there......told them that I came out there to tell Rose that she had hurt Nathan baddly......and I was upset that she could do such a hatefull thing to her son....I said this in a total calm voice.....sitting there and smoking a cigar....And Tony looked at me with this face so lacking in comprehension that it was pitiful...and said...."Your upset?,,,,,you sure dont show it" ....to which I smiled....Looked him in the eyes and said....."No actually right now I am enraged......I would cheerfully choak the life out of you both.....but that wouldnt do anything good for the kids would it?.....Rose just gapped at me like a fish out of water and said "Your so cold......its like your dead already.......and I nodded....."I just cant see how letting my anger show would do anyone any good.....not the kids,.....not me....not even you....Frankly your not worthy of my emotion",,,**OK I am paraphrasing a lot here..this was like a 5 minute conversation.....at one point Tony said something like come on down off your step and do something about it....and I said that the momentary pleasure of kicking his ass wasnt worth the trouble of talking to the police about why I did it....or talking to my superviosr...or my commander.....or anyone else for that matter......

So take this for what its worth....was a just too weak to let myself explode like I wanted to......afraid of what might have happened?.....or was a strong enough to keep my head....its something I have debated several times over the years.....I know I am not afraid of the possiblity of getting my ass kicked by Tony.....he isnt strong enough or big enough to do me that much harm......I am afraid that if we had come to blows that I would have killed him....and even a slime ball like him doesnt deserve to die for what amounts to adding Roses infidelity.....does he.....now Sam's dad is another matter entirely....but fortunately he is not close enough that I have to resist that temptation very often.....

Just depend on this.....that the strenght and restraint I showed that day is yours now.....I am strong inside........and I shall be standing with you and with Sam...each day......*grins*...and if I start pulling away....I am sure you can find someway of letting me know I am getting too far away.....like a blog....or a journal....or a whisper while cuddling......

I Love You

Ron