Today has been a quiet day. I didn’t sleep very well until about 8AM, then I think exhaustion finally took over. I managed to complete the changes to the discussion section of the web site. All of the discussion pages are updated and linked to templates with the exception of the main page and the two pages giving log information for 1999 and 2000. I have decided that I will move the discussions back to Sunday nights. Thursdays are just too hard for me. I am too tired by the end point of the week to want to start and host a discussion. With 4 kids and a house to take care of, I just don’t seem to have the energy for them. However, on the weekends, when the housework becomes Ron’s (by his preference) I don’t feel so worn out and am better able to run a discussion.

I am a lot calmer than I was when I blogged last night. I know my panic reaction was inappropriate, not with Ron, but in general. I guess I wasn’t expecting Sam to cry like that, or react that way this quickly. Especially when we don’t know for sure if they are going to prosecute or not. We hope they prosecute, but there is no guarantee that they will. I guess I have lost my old coping mechanisms, though they probably weren’t very healthy either. Mostly I shut off the emotions I couldn’t deal with, in order to remain calm as much as possible. I would fall apart from time to time, in private, and cry or vent in my journal. What finally soothed my mind enough that I could lay down and try to sleep was some poems. I wrote about 7 of them, 3 of which I thought were pretty good. Sometimes releasing the emotions through poetry is such a major relief to me, but I can’t always do it. Often the words just won’t come like I need them to. That’s ok, I have another outlet that I treasure the most, and that means a great deal more to me. I have Ron. Someone to talk to about it all and lean on, knowing he will be there for me. I also have Kimmie and her support, which is invaluable. Neither Sam nor I are alone in this and that makes things a lot easier to handle.

Ron wrote in my blog last night, some very nice things I might add. The situation he describes is not something I view as weak. Screaming, yelling and beating Tony up would not have done any good and only made the situation a lot worse. Ron has a great deal of self control over the outward showing of his emotions, mostly he controls the outward appearance of anger and/or rage. He is not so controlling of feelings of happiness, love, joy, peace, and things like that. Personally, I think being able to control oneself when enraged is a good thing. It is far too easy to not think before speaking when one is talking from a viewpoint of pure anger only. Any situation is merely made worse. It’s not that he doesn’t feel the emotion; he just doesn’t let it control his behavior. This makes it a lot easier to trust him and in my opinion makes him a better man. Now, I have that strength to draw upon in this situation and that alone gives me some inner balance and peace. It’s nice to have that foundation.