Well it appears that I got the blog working on the web site. Now to link it from the rest of the site so people can see it. I somehow, lost the two posts I had already created when I set my blog to send to the site. No biggie they weren't really saying much except why I set this up for myself and then a bit about what happened during the day yesterday. Today I've spent alot of time thinking about why I sometimes feel the need to be "right" all the time. Yesterday I snapped at Master out of my need to be right about something that I was wrong about anyway. I have spent alot of time today trying to answer the question of 'why". I haven't really come up with anything that answers it completely. I think it has alot to do with the fact that I spent a great deal of time in the past 2 years living with someone who told me constantly how wrong I was. Wrong for any feelings I had, any thoughts I had, and anything I did. and because I was viewed as constantly wrong, this person decided I wasn't a good person. I felt i dissapointed that person all the time, and they usually said I had somehow. No matter what i did, how I did it or anything else, I was always wrong. So maybe I'm still dealing with the fear of being hated/ridiculed when I am wrong. I do wonder if it isn't partly because people now a days seem to view themselves through someone else's eyes. What someone else thinks is what makes up how someone views themselves. I don't really know. I do know that I have to work harder on being able to accept the fact that I can be wrong at times and it won't be the end of the world and that master won't hate me for it. Sometimes it is very hard to remind myself of these things. Though, on occasion I do manage to do it. Hopefully I can reach a point where I am not as terrified of being wrong. I know that no oneis right all the time. I know that people makes mistakes,myself included. But I tend to hold myself to a much higher standard than I do anyone else. I push myself harder than anyone else ever has. I am my own worst critic and sometimes that makes me my own worst enemy. Sometimes I wonder if that is true of everyone because some people don't seem to tear themselves apart as much as I tear myself apart.

Today, overall, was a good day. The cold everyone has been fighting seems to be making a come back for me, my son, master and arella. I really hate that. Colds drive me nuts. I hope arella, Kyle and Master all feel much better tomorrow. I hate seeing the people I care about sick, makes me go into mother overdrive and try to make them feel at least a little bit of relief. Some people are very offended when I mother them, thankfully no one that I live with seems to be that way.

I am doing better following the rules and tasks that Master has set up for me. I am proud of myself for that. I had been having a difficult time for a little while. Partly because I just wasn't feeling very submissive, and partly because I did not have the medication to control the pain in my back and thus spent most of my time off my feet. He and I had talked alot about the rules and tasks and he told me that he would like to see a bit more formality and obedience in our relationship. I can understand that. So, rather than wait until he started punishing me for not doing things, I put alot more conscious effort into following his rules. I had gotten very used to not following anyone's rules,or having to complete tasks for anyone. Answering solely to myself. Now, I am having to relearn obedience. I feel better when I do follow the rules, and I know it pleases Master. I guess what i like best is it isn't obedience out of fear, but obedience because I desire to please him and I know that doing the things he asks of me, will please him. Well almost time for the discussion in channel tonight so I will write later.