Something interesting happened today. I missed Master while he was at work. I have not experienced missing someone just because they went to work in any prior relationship. Master says it's because I love him more. I don't know if it's that I love him more or not. I'm not really questioning it though, I don't see it as a bad thing. My attempts at following his rules better continue to go well. I think it's a good thing that I am working on fostering my desire to please him. It is something I was afraid I had lost because of the past year and a half. So it's nice to see that I havent' completely lost it, and that I can still enjoy completing tasks set for me. I continue to take this slowly and move one step at a time. Trying to fix everything at once, just overwhelms me. So I have had to prioritize things and work on them in order of most importance. I have also had to retrain myself to look for the forward movement in those areas, so that I can see where I am making progress and where I'm not. Because true change does not happen overnight, and usually happens one small step at a time. If I set my focus only on the "large steps" then I will never reach my goal. Some of my goals are to be able to trust completely again, feel my emotions, reveal my feelings to others, and allow myself to enjoy being submissive again. I have other goals that are not bdsm related such as work towards a better relationship with my daughter and help my son get to where he should be in he development. I am also making progress on those. Goals are important I think because without them we would stop growing and when a person stops growing, I believe that person is then for all intents and purposes dead.

I finished the article "Three Views Of Consent" for the e-zine Crystal Bridge. Ricci says it is a good article. I do not think it has the depth that many of my articles usually have, and it's probably because I covered 3 different viewpoints in a single article. But, that is how it came to my mind, and how it wanted to be written, so that's how I did it. When I write, I find it is best (and easiest) to let my articles write themselves, then play "clean up" on them after it's all written out. I suppose that isn't much different than how others write, a rough draft, then a few re-writes and finally the finished product. It feels good to be writing again. I really missed doing it. I have done a little bit of work on my book today, not too much. I kind of feel guilty for not working more on it because it is a dream of mine to get it published, and I already had one publisher express interest in it. But, I am afraid of finishing it and having it rejected, but also afraid of having it published. Kind of makes my writing more "real" somehow. For some reason, writing articles on a web site, doesn't feel like the same thing as writing for a book does. A web site, though many people read the words on them, is surreal somehow. less real. Probably because it can't physicaly be touched. A book is more *there* more real somehow. Rather interesting way to view it I suppose. I know that eventually I will finish it because my curiosity will get the better of me, and eventually I will reach a point where my dreams no longer scare me, and/or no longer seem completely unattainable. Master pushes alot for me to dream of things I want to do, and where I'd like to go in my life. Something I had stopped doing a couple years ago. I am now trying but mostly I hide my dreams from others, and only look at them for a few moments a day. Which is better than I was before when I couldn't even think of a single dream or goal I had for myself personally.

Well I think that's it for today.