Tolerance

I found myself embroiled in an argument that basically boils down to the right for people to choose for themselves how their relationship will work, and the whole issue of tolerating relationships that are different from my own. I don't see it as "wrong" to to practice what I preach. I refuse to blackball someone based solely on the borders of their bdsm relationship. And I know for a fact that extreme master / slave relationships do exist, and the people involved are not only happy with them, but flourish within those relationships. Love, romantic love, is not part of those relationships. the slave literally has no rights except whatever rights the master gives them. the master has control of every little thing about the slave, whether or not he chooses to use that control. This, to me,it TOTAL power exchange. Complete. no ifs and or buts. no weasling out of stuff, no wishy washiness. To them it is the ideal relationship, perfect for them. What right do I have to deny them this, something I have seen for myself to be not only real, but very much a caring relationship, though harsh? Am I supposed to tell someone who is more absolute than I am, more extreme than I am, that just because *I* can't live that kind of relationship it is compeltely wrong, they're insane, and to not discuss anything on my list? I am not god, nor do I even pretend to be. I am not some all knowing anything. I am not a mental health professional, so have no right to say that someone else is a sociopath or anything else. I run a discussion list, and I describe it as an open forum for the discussion of the many variances of BDSM. To me the master/slave relationship is just another variance of bdsm. Why is it that by refusing to kick someone off my list who practices this lifestyle choice, I am unsafe, advocating abusive people, not taking the opinions of people I respect (when in fact I am), and worse? I just don't understand it. I have had my integrity, honesty, dignity, morals and scrupals questioned in the last couple of days. All beacuse I defended the right of someone who is controversial to others and different from the mainstream PC View of BDSM to not only exist on my list, but to post on my list as well. And defended the person's right to have his own view of the lifestyle and exercise it. Well, so be it. I will accept it because I do not think I was wrong in doing so. I am however greatly saddened by this whole thing because the ones screaming at me that I am wrong, were the same ones I was defending last week because play they enjoy was being judged as abusive by someone else. Why is it ok for me to defend them, but not defend someone they do not agree with? Then to accuse me of playing favorites? well, I guess I did in a way. I defended someone I knew for a while, rather than remove this person from my list on the demands of people I had only known for a few weeks and had spoken to for about one hour total. (adding all the time up over the past three weeks).

My views on BDSM.

Submission is not submission if the sub can tell their dominant no, or if the sub has the right at any given time to refuse an order from their dom. Submission is incomplete if the sub maintains control over any facet of their life, but this is acceptable if the relationships accepts such limits. SUbmission is not submission if the sub tells the dominant what he can or can't do. A safe word is a form of control for the submissive and as such, I don't want one. SSC is all fine and dandy as a general guideline, but is not of any real value because the definitions of the terms are far to subjective. BDSM should not need to be "softened" to make it more acceptable to society as a whole. Edge play is fun and I enjoy it. A master/slave relationship can exist. When I submit, my master owns me, mind, heart and body. It is up to him what happens to me from day to day, and yes that means he could kill me if he so chose. Which is why I was damn fucking careful in submitting to him, I did not pick someone who might actually kill me. The point is he can do it if he chose to, he has full control of my life. Submission is not something I play at on weekends, it is who and what I am all the time, no matter what I am doing at that time.I am a sub, I always have been. My focus in life, more often than not, is to make someone else happy. I do not require s/m to be happy as a submissive. I enjoy pain play but that is my sexual orientation, not my inherent personality. Domination is abuse when it totally destroys the personality of the submissive involved and is mishandled so as to control the sub through fear, not respect and trust. I could not live a master/slave relationship where romantic love is not part of it, however, I do believe such relationships can exist and can flourish. I have lived one for a while, but learned the hard way that I need the romantic stuff in addition to the control stuff to be happiest and my most fulfilled. But this does not mean that others can't be happy in relationships which are based solely on the balance of power and not on emotional love.

I honestly believe that the reason most people freak out by someone who believes some of what I've written above is fear plain and simple. Just fear. They fear it because it is foreign to them. Thus, they have to denounce it rather than face the fact that yes indeed, there are people who do not need "love' something they think is so damned important. Human beings tend to destroy things that they fear if denouncing it and lying about it can't destroy it, then they will kill it physically. In the cyber medium killing it isn't a real option so they settle for denouncing it and labeling it as "unsafe" and "abusive".

Abuse in BDSM
Any relationship where there is a shifting of control to one person can be used for abuse. Any and every single one. A power exchange relationships puts the majority of the control in someone else's hands. Be it just part of the control, or all of it. Any of those situations can be used in an abusive manner. Not just the extreme master/slave relationship, but a d/s relationship in which the sub still has some control over the relationship, and even the occasional play partner arrangement can be used abusively. Anyone who holds the majority of power over someone else can do abusive things with that power. It is not something that exists more in one relationship type or another. It exists and can be found in any relationship, bdsm or vanilla. Personally, I despise it when someone throws out the argument of a certain relationship type can be manipulated to abuse because the power dynamic is more "total" than thiers. I think they do it because they fear that level of power relinquishment and rather than accept that others can be different, they must denounce it so as not to have to face their own perceived inadequacies. Master/slave relationships are no less prone to abuse than a standard vanilla relationship, or even a vanilla relationship that is set up to be exactly a 50/50 split of power.

Well..I'm done ranting for now.