Today has been a quiet day overall. My son has really surprised me. Today he has actually requested to spend time with me. He wanted me to cuddle him, tickle him, hug him, talk with him, and even sit on the couch and watch tv with him. Of course, I did these things. They made me feel so very warm inside!!!! He usually doesn't seek attention from me. Usually I have to initiate it with him, and most of the time he isn't very interested in attention from me. I know why that is also, but I am so grateful that it seems to be changing as well. I think it has a lot to do with us living here with Ron. Kyle is 4 years old, for most of his four years I have been off my feet more often than on them. During that time he has been cared for primarily by other people, not me. Unfortunately I could not physically move around alot, so I couldn't chase him, wrestle with him and such things. So he got used to going to others first. But, my back has been improving since the doc put me back on oxycontin and I've made a great deal of effort to interact with my son. I get him drinks, play with him, talk with him and all that. And I think that today, I got to see the fruits of this. He came to me for attention, even above Ron whom he absolutely adores. I really enjoyed that, a whole hell of a lot. I've had bouts of feeling like a bad mother because of the difficulties my back created as far as dealing with my son was concerned. When I made the decision to have him, knowing it could possibly hurt my back, I had not realized just how long lasting the damage would be and how all encompasing the effects would be. I figured it wouldn't do anything more than cause extra pain. I did not realize it would mean that I would be mostly bedridden for a year awaiting surgery, and then have to have the surgery repeated after getting only 3 months back on my feet before the fusion failed. THe failure being followed by 6 more months of mostly being in bed while waiting for the doctors to decide what needed to be done, and then came recovery. After I recovered as best i could, I was working my ass off, even though I know I wasn't supposed to be working physically like I was, I did it anyway. I realize that I could not help the situation that occured and that I did the absolute best I could by making sure the people who were caring for my son, were good people and were loving towards him overall. Kimmie was an immense help when he was just under a year old. If she hadn't come to be the nanny, I would have lost my children because my husband at the time was so depressed that he couldn't even remember how to boil water, much less watch children. But anyway, though I know it is not my fault because I certainly didn't do this on purpose, I still occasionally feel guilt. So it is truly wonderful to me when my son runs up to me and hugs me tight, or kisses my cheek, or tells me he loves me. Or, like today, tickles me and zurberts my belly and just cuddles beside me to chatter with me. I love it!! Talk about major warm fuzzies!!

Since moving in with Ron, my children have changed dramatically. Kyle used to bite when we lived in the southwest. He would bite, throw things and scream for no reason. Though I know he had plenty of reasons, just couldn't convince the people I was with that the reasons were real. He hardly talked, and refused to potty train. Here, he is fully potty trained, now speaks in mostly clear sentences, can carry on a conversation, his speech is getting clearer, he eats better, sleeps better, and hardly ever tantrums. He has not bit anyone since mid-June when we left the southwest. He is so much calmer, and more secure. I am so proud of him. I really think that Ron and the environment here has a lot to do with the changes in Kyle. Ron is very consistent with discpline and the attention he pays to Kyle. It isn't a once a month play with the kid thing then forget him for the rest of the time and demand he be mostly quiet. Kyle has flourished with this attitude. Ron also encourages me to interact with my kids. He loves to hear that I have played wiht, talked to or in any other way interacted with my kids, especially Kyle. He believes that part of Kyle's slow learning was caused by my lack of hands on involvment, and as guilty as that makes me feel, I have to agree with that. He's probably right. I agree because of the changes in Kyle since I have become more actively involved with him. Sam, my daughter, has changed as well. She is alot calmer, less beligerent, happier, and in so many ways a very normal 12 yr old girl. She is thriving on the consistency in this situation, something she has not had before because of her severe problems making it so difficult to remain consistent with her. Ron is not afraid of her, and he does not back down from her. He relies on me to explain the best way of dealing with her, and follows my guidelines. In doing so, he interjects his own perspective and rules within mine, and between the two of us we have acheived the best situation my daughter has been in for the last 6 years. And finally, she is keeping the progress she has made. It's not just a fleeting thing. I am so very happy with the changes in my kids. Even my daughter and I get along better than we have in 7 years.

Ron has mentioned setting a curfew for me. He thinks that I can't follow the wake up at 6:30 rule to see the kids off to school, if I don't go to sleep early enough. Sadly, I have to agree. Having a curfew is kind of scary to me because I know how difficult it is for me to follow a curfew. I don't know why I have such a hard time with it. I always have, even as a child. It never failed that 5 or 10 minutes before my bed time, I would wake up. No matter how little sleep, how much activity, or how tired I actually am. My mind snaps awake and I can't sleep. I do not want to dissapoint Ron and I fear that setting a curfew may cause me to do just that. however, I can't really blame him for wanting to set one either, I have been staying up very late because I don't have to get up with the kids. Kimmie does that. I didn't ask her to, it just happened. I was getting up with them at the beginning of the school year, then my back sent me to bed for a few days, and she got up with them, and then stopped waking me up. Ever since then, I haven't pushed to be woken up that early. I know it's lazy and selfish, but everytime I've talked about it with Kimmie she insists she doesn't mind. Then we had that snag about emotions going a bit awry when I would stick my nose in and help out, so I backed off. I don't want to make Kimmie feel like I don't think she can handle getting the kids off to school. I also know that I have seriously dissapointed Ron in this area, and I feel guilty for it. I am still unsure of whether or not I will measure up in Ron's eyes to what he believes a mother is and how they should behave. I've never been very hands on with my kids, that doesn't mean I don't interact with them, it just means that I don't spend all day long sitting on the floor playing with them. He has told me what he thinks a mother should be like, and it very closely matches how I am. I guess my insecurity about being a mom is what causes me to fear that I won't please him in this area. I know I have insecurities when it comes to being a mom, partly from being told for so many years that I was a rotten mother. (my parents told me this, my in-laws told me this, some of my former friends told me this, I've had social workers blame me for the abuse my ex husband comitted on my daughter and stuff like that) I try very hard to remember that overall I am a good mother, and that I do my best. Also, I try to remember that I've put up with a great deal of shit from my daughter that no one I know would have put up with for as long as I did. That alone should make me believe I'm a good mom. My insecurity is not as strong as it was just 8 months ago, and I think Ron has alot to do with that as well. His encouragement has allowed me to be more of the mother I want to be, and has paved the way for the results I am not benefitting from. That has gone a long way towards shutting that particular insecurity up. This is a good thing.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about the ways I have changed over the past 6 months, and mostly I like what I see. I am more myself again in that I do not bite my tongue as much as I was and hide my feelings. I don't lie and say "i'm fine" when I'm not because I no longer fear punishment for not being "ok". I am calmer, and PMS has all but disappeared, it's back to it's normal level of slight crankiness that I can easily handle by being quiet. And if someone asks me why I'm being quiet, I tell them I am cranky from PMS and am trying not to snap at people for no good reason. It works. I have not lost my temper once since I arrived here. Ron and I have had our disagreements, but we have never yelled at each other during them. Yet anyway, I'm sure a day will come where we do yell, but I hope it never does. I prefer the communication that he and I have. It allows us to settle differences, misunderstandings and other things that arise without either of us losing our cool. I think it is a much healthier way of dealing with difficulties that arise. We have had our tense conversations, but we both know enough to back off and cool down before we blow up. I really appreciate that. That has gone a long ways towards helping me heal that whole belief that I was an irrational lunatic that needs antidepressants to appear normal. I stopped taking my antidepressents back in April of 2000. And I have not had any problems since. Even the last couple of months in the southwest, I did not need them and I knew it. I was so angry when I figured out that I had continued to take them in order to please my then master because he felt I needed them. I am angry with myself for risking my liver and my health by taking a medication I did not truly need any more.

Well..that's about all that's running through my mind tonight.