the last couple of days have been quite interesting, though extremely stressful. Ron and I had decided to get married and it freaked out the kids. Which, to a certain extent, I was expecting. But, I was not expecting some of what we got. I got a major intuitive feeling that if we forced the wedding on one of the kids, that the child would resent Ron for it. And, after speaking with the child at length today, I was right on that score. However, from talking with the child today, I think I have opened the lines of communication to her, and smoothed things out a bit.

When I first arrived here I found myself always on edge. Not surprising since I lived the past 18 months on edge, waiting to be yelled at. So my patience was very low and I yelled alot faster than I prefer to. I have put forth tremendous effort to not yell as much as it was what Ron wanted, it was something I wanted to curb myself, and I felt my yelling was scaring his daughter. Sure enough, it was. However, I have made strides in this area. So when the complaint was made that I yell to much, as a reason for Ron not to marry me, I was very hurt. I did however speak with the child and I didn't ask her anything about my yelling, I just explained to her why I had put the wedding off. She was relieved because she had been thinking that I would not marry Ron ever at all, when that was not what I had meant. But I could see how she got that idea, I wasn't exactly clear about it. Anyway, she voluntarily told me that she noticed a great improvement in my yelling. She says she noticed the change over the last couple of days. She decided to spend the week here with us rather than with her mom. I think that was partly because she missed it here and a bunch of other complicated reasons. But from talking to her I was able to find out where my guess work for her feelings and thoughts were correct, and where I was wrong. Overall, I was mostly correct. When I explained to her my reason for putting the wedding off, that being I did not want to cause her any unneccessary hurt, she seemed quite amazed by this. I think I touched her in some way by explaining this to her. All in all, we talked very easily for about 45 minutes, and it was a very enjoyable conversation.

Like with Sam, my daughter, I realized last night that if I wanted things to change between Ron's daughter and myself, I had to make the first moves. So I did. and I am glad that I did. SHe also told me she feels now that she will be fine if Ron and I marry in December. I am very grateful for that. She said she was very happy that I had spoken with her. And I am glad I did too.

THis morning, Ron hurt my feelings. I know he did not do so on purpose. From his point of view he was relaying a joke that he had said to his son. But it hurt anyway. When it comes to paying the bills, I am very vulnerable to hurt in that area. I do not feel that I have good control over the bills at this point. THis is partly caused by the financial condition we were both in when we merged our households. And from having guests for a few months, everything got all screwed up. those guests made it that we were paying over a thousand bucks a month for food, and about 400 for cigs. It was truly insane. But as such, things got a bit screwed up bills wise. Anyway, one of the bills that was behind, but getting closer (and it was behind from before I got here) to being up to date, finally got tired of waiting and they came and shut off the electricity. I felt like I had failed Ron, that I had screwed up so bad. I felt that I was irresponsible, even though I knew it wasn't just me but a combinations of many different things that led to this. I tried to explain this to Ron, but i do not know if I actually did or not since the whole cancelling of wedding thing occured late yesterday evening. Anyway he cracked a joke which basically told someone that i was to blame for the electricity going off, and that he was thinking of a sufficient punishment for me. This immediately hit upon my own sense of failure and hurt me to the quick. I couldn't help it. Of course, my reaction angered Ron because he really was only joking and he left angry. I cried for a few minutes in the bathroom with my face in a towel. ayli talked with me and I remained angry almost all day. Until the kids came home and showed me their report cards. They all did very well overall I think. Part of my taking it wrong could have been that I woke up and the first thing I realized was the marriage had been cancelled and I was hurting from that. So maybe i was just already shook up. Who knows.

Anyway it's been a rough couple of days. Overall though, I have to say that I am proud of the way I handled most of it. I didn't lose my cool, nor did I just stop following Ron's rules for me. Which, to me, is a big deal :)