This evening was a fairly rough one. I was not feeling very well. My back was screaming bloody murder, most likely from my sleeping on the love seat (I still can't believe how much room a 4 yr old can take up in a full size bed.. LOL).The pain made me cranky because I was having a very difficult time controlling it. And for a while the pain just kept rising. I finally gave in and took an extra pain pill (which I can do, I just don't like doing it) and the pain has finally subsided enough that it is in control. But while it wasn't, I was cranky and I hate being cranky. I don'tlike feeling as if anything I say will come out wrong, or feeling that I will snap at everyone. I don't like actually doing it either. Ron was very tired when he got home from work, he didn't sleep well last night either.

Ron and I decided to move the wedding date from January 26, to December 2. The 26th is the day before my birthday and is the day the LnR munch is supposed to start. (hopefully we will be able to afford having a munch) So we didn't want to hold the wedding too close to the munch and thus make people think they had to attend the wedding and/or give presents or stuff like that. Also, one of the people coming to the wedding (Ron's best friend) mentioned that he may have to bring his son. Now I don't have a problem with children at weddings (large or small weddings) but we are working our butts off to make sure we do not have children in the house for the weekend of the munch. That way, if people wanted to play, they could and we could set aside a couple of rooms to play in. We wouldn't have to worry about kids seeing something they aren't supposed to, or the conversation being inapropriate for the kids. So when Ron's friend said he might have to bring his son with him, and would stay for the munch that weekend, we decided to move the wedding. That way, there will be no problems for the munch. Also, Ron realized that by putting the wedding on Jan. 26, it makes the month rather tight for remembering birthdays and such. There would be 3 or 4 dates one week or so apart that he would have to remember. I'm not sure if he was serious about this, or if he was kidding, but I thought it was rather amusing. :)

The kids seem to finally be accepting the fact that we are going to get married, and I'm glad. But I do still feel like I've caused some trouble between Ron and his daughter. Though, I know logically that any woman he got involved with would have caused problems, I still feel responsible. I know it's probably stupid to feel that way, but I can't help it. I like his kids, and I want them to like me and I think for the most part they do, but the youngest also resents me and is jealous of me. I understand how she feels, and it all makes sense, but it still hurts me. I have talked with her a few times, as I have talked with my daughter as well. I'm not sure though if it is doing any good. I do hope it is. I tried explaining that just as kids their ages need to be with other children their age, adults need to be with other adults. And that by being with another adult it does not in any way mean we love our children less, or that we need them less or that we don't want them around. Hopefully by putting it that way (kids needing other kids) I put it into a manner they could understand. I did ask them why they wanted to hang around kids in their age group, and they said things like they don't have to worry about their friends hating their music (as most adults do), their friends are in the same situations as them (school, boys, homework, siblings etc) so they understand each other, and other things like that. I said that it made sense to me and that it basically boils down to they need someone who can understand them and their lives easily, thus someone their own age. I told them it was the same for adults. With the girls being 11 and 12, I figure they should be able to understand that. I hope they do.

Kyle continues to change every day. He is now speaking in sentences more often than not, and his use of singular words to describe what he wants is becoming more and more infrequent. I am so proud of him for that. Instead of just sayiing "milk!" when he wants milk, he now says "I want milk, please". Though the please is an iffy thing, once in a while you have to remind him to say it, but that's ok. It is still a drastic improvement over how he was just 4 months ago. He has finally started sleeping later again, though today was a miracle, he slept until 9:30 in the morning. I couldn't believe it when ayli told me about that one. But it's good beacuse it keeps Kyle from being real cranky and whiny around dinner time and it prevents us from having to force a nap on the kid. Which, in my opinion, is a good thing. I hate having to argue with the kid to get him to lay down long enough to fall asleep at 1 in the afternoon when he doesn't want to lay down, but needs to lay down. He continues to do very well on his learning programs and now he talks along with thim. Today he counted to 5. He is learning so fast now it's amazing!!

Sam continues to be happier, though she gave me a rough time yesterday. She seemed very cranky in the morning and again after dinner. I don't know why, she keeps telling me she's fine and nothing is wrong. But her behavior sure appeared to be saying something was bothering her. She talked back more than usual and was very uncooperative, which again is unsual for her. Today though, she seems much better.

I've been doing alot of thinking about the wedding and being married again, especially to my master. I wonder if being married to me will somehow increase Ron's feelings of ownership and dominance? It would be interesting if he reacted that way. I also wonder if it will make me feel more owned, or if it will make me feel more "vanilla"? I'm not sure, and I can't know for sure until it happens. I do know that I want to be Ron's wife. I am not afraid of marrying him. I do not think itis a mistake, and having known the man almost 4 years now, I'm pretty sure he isn't going to be some raving lunatic once the vows are said. he is everything he has always described himself as in daily life. I like that. I love Ron, and I have for a few years now. It's is hard to find words to describe how happy I am with him which frustrates me. I hate not being able to find the words to describe something I am feeling. Oh well. maybe they'll come to me in a dream!! LOLOL

Other than those few things, nothing major is running through my mind today. no big thoughts or confusions. no rambling diatribes, which is probably a relief to anyone who reads my blogs. LOL