I am beginning to get actively frightened of the pain in my lower back. The neurological symptoms are increasing. I woke up yesterday morning and literally started crying because the first thing I could feel was the pain. My left leg would not move at all. I was almost in a panic. I am very afraid that somehow I have hurt the degenerated disk again. I guess I will find out when I get health insurance and get to the doctor. I will mention it to the pain clinic doctor when I see him again on the 20th. I don'tknowif there is anything he will do for it, but I have to at least let him know what is going on.

Yesterday was an odd day. It started out OK and ended ok, but the middle of the day was not so much fun. I am having my PMS week, which explains why I've felt so "off" for a couple of days. And I am fairly positive that this has been affecting the way I view things. I know that I overreacted to a few things yesterday and in the process said some stuff I probably shouldn't have. But what I over-reacted about still stands as something that I am very much against. The discussion came about about abusive acts in BDSM. No big deal. Normally it is extremely difficult to define any act, by itself as abusive. The act must have the abusive intent behing it in order for it to be abusive. Least, that applies for most things. The question was raised about hitting my lower back. Master stated that if he were to hit it on accident, then continue hitting it on purpose, it would be an abusive act to him. I have to agree with that, especially since anyone who plays with me is made well aware of the dangers of hitting my lower back. With my back the way it is, striking it could cause permanent irreprable damage to the sciatic nerve and thus landing me in a wheelchair. The comment was made that doing such a thing (striking my lower back) on purpose, to teach me a lesson, would be OK. Need less to say this really bothered me.

And I've been thinking off an on ever since. Just where is the line between acceptable punishment and unacceptable punishment in a bdsm relationship. I just can not grasp the idea that maiming someone, or causing permanent physical harm to someone, is an acceptable form of punishment. It may change their behavior, but it doesn't make much sense to me beacuse the behavior would change for the wrong reasons. Some examples that were givne of such things were removal of the clit, cutting off fingertips and creating large scars as a reminder that the person screwed up. I do not think that this is correct behavior. Why purposely harm someone that you are supposed to care for and protect? I just can't see the logic. Now, were these things to be done for body modification purposes, though I don't like them, I can at least understand and accept their occurance. If someone wants to remove their clit, go for it but it certainly isn't for me. I just don't see the purpose in maiming someone because they screwed up. And I can't help it but if someone begged for such a thing to be done in order to gain forgiveness from someone I wonder just where they are psychologically. I mean, to beg to be maimed in order to gain forgiveness for a mistake, just doesn't strike me as all that healthy. I don't know, it's just not something I can conceive of.