There has been alot of discussion recently about abuse and abusive relationships. I thought I could handle it, but it seems that I can't. I guess I wasn't ready to handle this topic. So I am considering setting myself no mail on the groups that are currently discussing it and then going back to regular subscription when the topic is over. It's not that I don't want to discuss abuse issues, and it is not that I don't believe it exists. The exact opposite is in fact true. It's beacuse quite simply, the topic hits too close to home for me. The pain is still too fresh and talking about it too much brings it all back and I start getting really "weird". I get that same knot in the pit of my stomach, as if I am expecting him to get pissed at me for being online. I get that same rushing sensation in my ears, as if I am going to pass out or am just out of it. But mostly, it just hurts and I don't like feeling the hurt. It's not that I have ignored any of it, because I haven't. It is that I wish to deal with it slowly, rather than all at once and thus freak myself out completely and end up in a nut hatch. Right now I am struggling with wanting to tell it all,and not wanting to. Mostly out of embarassment. It is an embarassment to me. I know it shouldn't be, because it was not all my fault. But it is. I want to tell the story because it might help someone else to see what they are involved in and to realize that it is not right and that it doesn't have to be that way for them. But I am not strong enough yet to do that. This whole thing is causing some problems in mine and master's relationship. I find myself angry alot of the time. Not at him, or anyone really, just angry in general. That anger is getting in the way. I don't know how to deal with it effectively and I find my thoughts obessing with my past and the shit that happened. Maybe if I just start purging it all, on paper (or computer files because typing is alot faster than hand writing) I will feel better. It is what I did as part of therapy before and it really did help me. I was able to get it all out, and look at it later and see what it all was. The release for the thoughts and emotions was a very neccessary thing for me. So maybe I will do that. But not here, Right now, it is too personal for me to do that here. I do hope that people understand that and who knows, maybe in the future I won't have as much of a problem putting it all out here.

My son has fallen in love with the movie Toy Story 2. He literally has watched it non stop for like 4 days now. I'm almost to a point where I can speak the dialogue line for line. But he loves the movie. He is doing so much better with the educational programs we have for him as well. He can now do alot of the kindergarten one very easily. He does, however, seem to be stuck on the numbers. But that's ok. He is fairly ready for kindergarten. Least he knows the stuff on sight, now comes trying to get him to verbalize what he knows. I have learned that he can now spell his name and will do so everytime arella or I leave our computers for a moment while they are connected to the net and the chat room. Then he'll type his name over and over into the chat room. It's pretty cute :))

My daughter continues doing very well. Though she has a "boyfriend". I have allowed it because it is online (mostly email and a kids chat room on a web site that I sit and watch closely, and sometimes join myself tokeep an eye on her). I figure since the kid is in England, nothing will come of it until she is much older, if ever. She is learning many lessons the hard way now. But she is learning. And I think learning them through a computer screen is alot safer for her than learning them hands on in real life. She knows she is not allowed to date in real life yet and won't be allowed for a few more years. She talks to me about this kid and I like that. I am so glad she feels comfortable enough to talk to me about it. I ticked her off the other day by announcing that Master and I plan on getting married in January. Instead of hitting me, screaming or yelling, she wrote a story. In the story she made me the villain and killed me. She said it made her feel alot better. I had to laugh. When she told me she thought I was going to be so mad at her, and I wasn't. Honestly, I was elated that she chose an apropriate way to deal with her anger. I am so proud of her for that!! So very proud. I love my kids so much, and my daughter is so special to me. She's been through hell and back, and finally seems to be healing completely.

Well, time to go find something to do. Though I am considering starting a new blog, one specificaly for the thoughts I have on abuse and the experiences I went through for a year and a half. Maybe I will do that and post it, but I don't honestly know if I am ready for that. But it might help. I'll think about it for a while longer anyway.