Today has been a quiet day overall. My son has really surprised me. Today he has actually requested to spend time with me. He wanted me to cuddle him, tickle him, hug him, talk with him, and even sit on the couch and watch tv with him. Of course, I did these things. They made me feel so very warm inside!!!! He usually doesn't seek attention from me. Usually I have to initiate it with him, and most of the time he isn't very interested in attention from me. I know why that is also, but I am so grateful that it seems to be changing as well. I think it has a lot to do with us living here with Ron. Kyle is 4 years old, for most of his four years I have been off my feet more often than on them. During that time he has been cared for primarily by other people, not me. Unfortunately I could not physically move around alot, so I couldn't chase him, wrestle with him and such things. So he got used to going to others first. But, my back has been improving since the doc put me back on oxycontin and I've made a great deal of effort to interact with my son. I get him drinks, play with him, talk with him and all that. And I think that today, I got to see the fruits of this. He came to me for attention, even above Ron whom he absolutely adores. I really enjoyed that, a whole hell of a lot. I've had bouts of feeling like a bad mother because of the difficulties my back created as far as dealing with my son was concerned. When I made the decision to have him, knowing it could possibly hurt my back, I had not realized just how long lasting the damage would be and how all encompasing the effects would be. I figured it wouldn't do anything more than cause extra pain. I did not realize it would mean that I would be mostly bedridden for a year awaiting surgery, and then have to have the surgery repeated after getting only 3 months back on my feet before the fusion failed. THe failure being followed by 6 more months of mostly being in bed while waiting for the doctors to decide what needed to be done, and then came recovery. After I recovered as best i could, I was working my ass off, even though I know I wasn't supposed to be working physically like I was, I did it anyway. I realize that I could not help the situation that occured and that I did the absolute best I could by making sure the people who were caring for my son, were good people and were loving towards him overall. Kimmie was an immense help when he was just under a year old. If she hadn't come to be the nanny, I would have lost my children because my husband at the time was so depressed that he couldn't even remember how to boil water, much less watch children. But anyway, though I know it is not my fault because I certainly didn't do this on purpose, I still occasionally feel guilt. So it is truly wonderful to me when my son runs up to me and hugs me tight, or kisses my cheek, or tells me he loves me. Or, like today, tickles me and zurberts my belly and just cuddles beside me to chatter with me. I love it!! Talk about major warm fuzzies!!

Since moving in with Ron, my children have changed dramatically. Kyle used to bite when we lived in the southwest. He would bite, throw things and scream for no reason. Though I know he had plenty of reasons, just couldn't convince the people I was with that the reasons were real. He hardly talked, and refused to potty train. Here, he is fully potty trained, now speaks in mostly clear sentences, can carry on a conversation, his speech is getting clearer, he eats better, sleeps better, and hardly ever tantrums. He has not bit anyone since mid-June when we left the southwest. He is so much calmer, and more secure. I am so proud of him. I really think that Ron and the environment here has a lot to do with the changes in Kyle. Ron is very consistent with discpline and the attention he pays to Kyle. It isn't a once a month play with the kid thing then forget him for the rest of the time and demand he be mostly quiet. Kyle has flourished with this attitude. Ron also encourages me to interact with my kids. He loves to hear that I have played wiht, talked to or in any other way interacted with my kids, especially Kyle. He believes that part of Kyle's slow learning was caused by my lack of hands on involvment, and as guilty as that makes me feel, I have to agree with that. He's probably right. I agree because of the changes in Kyle since I have become more actively involved with him. Sam, my daughter, has changed as well. She is alot calmer, less beligerent, happier, and in so many ways a very normal 12 yr old girl. She is thriving on the consistency in this situation, something she has not had before because of her severe problems making it so difficult to remain consistent with her. Ron is not afraid of her, and he does not back down from her. He relies on me to explain the best way of dealing with her, and follows my guidelines. In doing so, he interjects his own perspective and rules within mine, and between the two of us we have acheived the best situation my daughter has been in for the last 6 years. And finally, she is keeping the progress she has made. It's not just a fleeting thing. I am so very happy with the changes in my kids. Even my daughter and I get along better than we have in 7 years.

Ron has mentioned setting a curfew for me. He thinks that I can't follow the wake up at 6:30 rule to see the kids off to school, if I don't go to sleep early enough. Sadly, I have to agree. Having a curfew is kind of scary to me because I know how difficult it is for me to follow a curfew. I don't know why I have such a hard time with it. I always have, even as a child. It never failed that 5 or 10 minutes before my bed time, I would wake up. No matter how little sleep, how much activity, or how tired I actually am. My mind snaps awake and I can't sleep. I do not want to dissapoint Ron and I fear that setting a curfew may cause me to do just that. however, I can't really blame him for wanting to set one either, I have been staying up very late because I don't have to get up with the kids. Kimmie does that. I didn't ask her to, it just happened. I was getting up with them at the beginning of the school year, then my back sent me to bed for a few days, and she got up with them, and then stopped waking me up. Ever since then, I haven't pushed to be woken up that early. I know it's lazy and selfish, but everytime I've talked about it with Kimmie she insists she doesn't mind. Then we had that snag about emotions going a bit awry when I would stick my nose in and help out, so I backed off. I don't want to make Kimmie feel like I don't think she can handle getting the kids off to school. I also know that I have seriously dissapointed Ron in this area, and I feel guilty for it. I am still unsure of whether or not I will measure up in Ron's eyes to what he believes a mother is and how they should behave. I've never been very hands on with my kids, that doesn't mean I don't interact with them, it just means that I don't spend all day long sitting on the floor playing with them. He has told me what he thinks a mother should be like, and it very closely matches how I am. I guess my insecurity about being a mom is what causes me to fear that I won't please him in this area. I know I have insecurities when it comes to being a mom, partly from being told for so many years that I was a rotten mother. (my parents told me this, my in-laws told me this, some of my former friends told me this, I've had social workers blame me for the abuse my ex husband comitted on my daughter and stuff like that) I try very hard to remember that overall I am a good mother, and that I do my best. Also, I try to remember that I've put up with a great deal of shit from my daughter that no one I know would have put up with for as long as I did. That alone should make me believe I'm a good mom. My insecurity is not as strong as it was just 8 months ago, and I think Ron has alot to do with that as well. His encouragement has allowed me to be more of the mother I want to be, and has paved the way for the results I am not benefitting from. That has gone a long way towards shutting that particular insecurity up. This is a good thing.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about the ways I have changed over the past 6 months, and mostly I like what I see. I am more myself again in that I do not bite my tongue as much as I was and hide my feelings. I don't lie and say "i'm fine" when I'm not because I no longer fear punishment for not being "ok". I am calmer, and PMS has all but disappeared, it's back to it's normal level of slight crankiness that I can easily handle by being quiet. And if someone asks me why I'm being quiet, I tell them I am cranky from PMS and am trying not to snap at people for no good reason. It works. I have not lost my temper once since I arrived here. Ron and I have had our disagreements, but we have never yelled at each other during them. Yet anyway, I'm sure a day will come where we do yell, but I hope it never does. I prefer the communication that he and I have. It allows us to settle differences, misunderstandings and other things that arise without either of us losing our cool. I think it is a much healthier way of dealing with difficulties that arise. We have had our tense conversations, but we both know enough to back off and cool down before we blow up. I really appreciate that. That has gone a long ways towards helping me heal that whole belief that I was an irrational lunatic that needs antidepressants to appear normal. I stopped taking my antidepressents back in April of 2000. And I have not had any problems since. Even the last couple of months in the southwest, I did not need them and I knew it. I was so angry when I figured out that I had continued to take them in order to please my then master because he felt I needed them. I am angry with myself for risking my liver and my health by taking a medication I did not truly need any more.

Well..that's about all that's running through my mind tonight.

I've been feeling rather quiet the last couple of days. Not sad or depressed or anything, just real quiet. Even my mind has slowed down. I think it's trying to give me a break! LOL It isn't often that it does that, so when it does it's kind of nice. My mind often runs constantly. I find myself thinking about so many different things at a time that it can be very tiring. Ron has asked me if something is bothering me, and there isn't anything. I am just feeling quiet and contented. I like that content feeling btw, quite a bit. Though right now I'm feeling a bunch of pent up energy that wants to be expelled somehow, but I have no idea how to do so. It doesn't feel like I need or want to write, I don't have any interest in cross stitching, it isn't sexual frustration (I doubt I'll have that problem for a long time to come..anyway) it isn't a desire to work on the web site or anything. I'm not sure what it is. Sometimes when I get this way it is followed by a bout of writing poems at like 20 or 30 in a week, or articles at 5 to 10 a week, or even stories. Ohhhhhhhhhhh...that's it! I'm wanting to write stories! I just typed that word in and my mind woke up and started tossing images around that would make for some pretty good erotic fiction. Well now that I've found out why I have that feeling I'm going to go exorcise it. I love this blog thing, it is so useful sometimes :)

Today was a rather quiet day. Woke up in serious pain, so took my meds first thing. Then went back to sleep because no one else was awake, and my son was still sleeping. When I woke up again I had some coffee then spent some time updating the web site. I had received a number of emails that were updating my link information for munch groups and such. So I did all that. Then I played the sims for a while. I had some trouble with the game and ended up having to uninstall it and reinstall it all over again. I hated doing that because I lost all my previous game information. Oh well, such goes life with computers.

I got a package from my mother today. Christmas presents for me and the kids. Some really nice stuff in there. I sent her an email letting her know the box arrived like I had promised her I would do.

I had joined a list last week because someone informed me that an article of mine had been posted on it. I stuck around because my friend asked me to. Someone posted about poly relationships. I did not respond to the original email. Someone responded to that email stating that anyone can walk out of any relationship at any time. I responded to that statement saying that some people do not feel or believe they can walk out. On another list I'm on, I've read many posts from slaves who state flat out that leaving is not an option for them no matter what the relationship were like. This scared me. I am not sure I can accept the idea that a person would willingly and knowingly stay in a relationship no matter what the relationship was like. Of course the question of the relationship becoming abusive came up, and I stated that most people would indeed walk out of a relationship eventually were it to be abusive. This prompted an argument where people kept saying that they would stay no matter what because that was the agreement and comittment they made. But they added things like "I don't ever see the relationship becoming abusive' and how wonderful their relationship and/or master is. So I started to wonder, is it possible that one can not truly view the possibility of abuse and thus leaving when their relationship is a happy one? The answer to that is of course, yes. It is very difficult for people to see beyond their current situation and make hypothesis about different situations. When someone is happy it is very difficult to conceive of a time where the relationship would not be a happy one or would be an abusive one. I can understand that.

Anyway, what I'm wondering about is why are there so many assholes on mailing lists? The first bit I spoke about on the walking out thing, was not a big deal. However, someone responded in a manner that was extremely rude and on my list would have gotten them warned for flaming. The person did not leave any part of the email they were responding to in their response, so I can't say if it was my words that prompted the response. I resplied to that email, and I know I shouldn't have, but I did anyway. And I was less than polite about it too, though I wasn't cruel or anything. The person responded agian and accused me of being on a high horse and such. I am assuming the insults were directed at me because they made reference to one sub telling everyone else what to do, and since I was the only sub responding to the thread with more than just a single email, I thought it was directed at me. Again, no reference was given, so I could not be sure, and I deliberately did not respond with the personal offense I felt. But this list, since the first day I got on it, has shown repeatedly that there are people on it who's main reason for being there seems to be to cause trouble. This person, and one other on that list, are always sending emails that are hurtful, angry, or downright mean to the list. Then they wonder why they get the angry responses they get. They say things like "you missed my point" "I didn't do anything wrong" and stuff like that. This drives me insane. I know i shouldn't let it get to me, I mean these are just people I don't really know, but I just do not like rudeness. I never have. I try my damndest to be polite and on topic when I post to groups, and it really isn't that hard to do. So I wonder why others can't do the same? I know, that not everyone can do those things. I guess it's just another of those things I will never fully understand because I am not like that. Similar to I can't fully comprehend child abuse, or revenge.

I've been thinking about this election stuff, and can't help but think Gore is showing himself to be a very sore loser. Filing in court to have recounts thrown out, demanding recounts after recounts becuase he isn't getting the winning votes he wants. Making this election take so much longer than it should have. So far all the recounts continue to have Bush as winning Florida and thus the white house, but Gore just can't accept that defeat. Personally, I think with three recounts completed showing Bush as the winner, should be more than enough. But, Gore is demanding a 4 th hand recount and got the Florida supreme court to say that a "dimpled" ballot must be counted as a legal vote. In other words, if the "hole" is not completely there, but is dimpled as if it should be there, then that vote counts. I think this is nothing more than a spoiled child refusing to admit defeat. personally, I am now praying that Gore doesn't get the white house because I am afraid to see what such a spoiled little child will do to this country, and our relations with other nations with this kind of attitude. The whole thing has gone beyond agravating and has entered the territory of disgusting as far as I am concerned.

Last night Master and I played for a while. It felt real good! He managed to mark me too, which I know he enjoys doing. I'm still feeling some sore spots today. But I like that. I know that some people think that is weird, and I used to think that, but I don't anymore. It's interesting to see how I've changed over the past four years, most of those changes are good ones I think.

Today is Thanksgiving so we're doing the whole cook everything thing. Sometimes I wonder why we bother with this holiday, it seems to be more of an excess than anything else. I know it's supposed to be a historical thing and an emotional thing where people give thanks for what they have. A day set aside for family and friends to enjoy a meal together and think of the things they are thankful for. So, along that line, I've been thinking about what I am thankful for today. (I know, it's mushy, but hey, it's a holiday I'm allowed. LOL) Anyway, I am thankful for a lot of things actually. For my daughter's progress finally beginning to take root in her mind and become habit. For my son's progress in talking and playing with his imagination. For my kids being with me. For my kids being healthy. For Ron's kids being here and being healthy. For ayli's being part of the family and helping out so much. For my friends who mean so much to me. For Ron who is so wonderful to me. For my health being pretty good. Heck, I guess I'm just thankful for having people who I love, and who love me in return, around me. That is a very nice thing to have. It's something that people tend to take for granted over time, and I try hard not to take it for granted. I try to think about the things that I love about my family and friends, so that I do not take them for granted too often.

The food is almost done, so I figured I'd come online and rest my back it's a bit sore now from standing for so long chopping up stuff for the stuffed mushrooms. Oh those are so yummy! The kids are all addicted to the sims, and now so is Ron and Jeff. The other night Ron built his "dream house" with the sims program. It's really neat to be able to use your imagination and build a house. Ron has this dream house that he has always wanted. It is a HUGE house, but very beautiful. It is, however, square with an opening in the middle for the pool and hot tub. It's certainly an interesting design. But man that would be one expensive house to actually build. He is very hopeful that some day he will be able to have that house, and I'd like to see him get it too.

I can't really think of a whole lot to say, so I'll stop there.

Today was a very interesting day. We got the christmas shopping list all written out, now comes the hard part, buying the stuff. LOL We should be able to do so with very little trouble.Things are still a bit confused, but it takes time to merge two households into one. I think we're doing alot better than I thought we were going to be doing, so this is good.

It's been a rough weekend thanks to my back. On Friday Ron and I did alot of running around, and I ended up in serious pain. Saturday was the same, so I spent the vast majority of the day in bed. Today, I felt a little better so I've been up and moving a bit more, which was nice too. I managed to sleep fairly well last night, and surprisingly I went to sleep at 10:30 and woke up at 8:30. I was quite amazed. I did wake up a few times during the night, and Ron said I was still moaning and stuff with pain, but not as bad as I was Friday night, so that's good.

Today was mostly a very quiet day around here and I liked that. I decided to try playing the sims tonight. It's a game where you create "people" and basically move them through their days from jobs, to cleaning, to recreation, to sleep and everything in between. I normally do not like computer games, but I really enjoy this one! It's very cute, and very amusing. Plus, it was fairly easy to learn so I didn't feel stupid about not knowing the buttons to hit. The first "family" I created, the man set the kitchen on fire cooking dinner, which I had not told him to do. In the process of trying to put it out, he died. It was very odd, but hilarious as well. I "evicted" that family and deleted them, then created a new family. A man and a woman. So far, it is going much better. It is also alot easier to get everything done around the house with two people. And since they talk to each other, they don't start whining for "social company". LOL They do however whine to go to bed, eat, go potty, and have "fun" which means read the newspaper, watch tv, or read a book. Not all that exciting I guess. But it was alot of fun to play.

Tomorrow I see the pain clinic doctor again, so here's hoping he will adjust my medication to take care of this new level of pain while I wait for medical insurance so I can go see a neurosurgeon and find out if it is the disk that needs to come out. Part of me hopes it isn't, but part of me hopes it is. The idea of now knowing what is causing the pain is quite agravating to me.

I haven't done much writing, but I've done some thinking, though not alot of heavy thinking. Mostly I've cuddled with Ron and done pain control this weekend, so not a whole lot to talk about.

night :)

I've been doing alot of thinking about writing. Seriously writing. Writing stories and such has always been a dream of mine, and I think, now that I have alot of time on my hands, that I am going to start working at it. I am badly out of practice, but I figure a little practice will only help me out. Here's hoping.

I will probably find myself using this blog as not only a place to discuss BDSM, my submission, and my life, but also as a place to work out article ideas and other such writing type thoughts. I tend to think about so many different things, and I tend to lose them if I don't write them down or somehow record the thoughts for later development into articles or poems or short stories or whatever. So I think this blog could be a great help in that area.

Things here have been going pretty well the last couple of days. Except for the severe pain in my back today, that is. I went out with Ron for a while today. We ran some errands and ended up doing a great deal of walking in the process. But we were able to scout out some Christmas present ideas, as well as look at wedding rings for when we do get married. He chose a beautiful one for me, and it's even the kind of ring I've always wanted. I was quite surprised that his taste for a ring on my hand was so similar to my desired style. It was a very sweet and warm moment for both of us I think. We will be doing more talking with the children, of course. I, for one, am still concerned with taking their feelings into account. I do not expect complete acceptance or overwhelming joy at the prospect of the marriage, but am not willing to force acceptance if the complaints are of a very intense and deeply emotional nature where forcing such acceptance would backfire on us into resentment. I do not want to hurt his children, or my own. Thankfully my son is quite young, and he just adores Ron, so he has no complaints. LOL

My back has caused me to feel rather guilty today. I know it's not "right" to feel guilt over my back and the limitations it sets on me, but I don't seem to be able to stop those feelings. I am, however, not falling into a depression or anything over them. They also do not last very long. Mostly I feel guilty about saddling Ron with the restrictions my back will set upon certain aspects of our relationship. I sometimes feel that he deserves someone who doesn't have to spend a couple days a month sitting in bed because she can't walk. However, he understood what the restrictions were before we got involved, so I know he accepted those restrictions. He does not feel the least bit cheated by any of this. Which is a good thing. I don't feel cheated as much as once in a while I feel frustrated. I get so tired of pain. The whole idea of having another surgery scares the bejesus out of me too! I'm tired of being cut open, dealing wiht recovery, physical therapy, and exercises. Not to mention braces and bed rest with initial recovery. Oh well, I will deal with it I'm sure. It's not like this will be my first back surgery, and it probably won't be anywhere near my last one either. But I can hope it will be one of the last ones.

One of the things that continues to run through my mind is the bit about listening and how important it is to effective communication. I think it's sticking in my craw because I know I left it out of my original article on communication. And communication is such a neccessity in BDSM relationships, or any other kind of relationship for that matter. I am going to have to rewrite that article soon or these thoughts are going to drive me nuts! Sometimes that is how I write. Things spring almost completely written to my mind, and they pester me until I write them down. When that happens I can usually sit down and just type as fast as I can to get the thoughts out, then play clean up fixing spelling errors, grammatical errors and moving paragraphs around so the article or story or whatever flows better without seeming to be stilted or limping along. When my writing goes like that, just BOOM and it's done, then I know it will be a pretty good piece of work. I love when that happens to me, because it is such a rush. The desire to write is so intense it literally becomes a driving force that does not stop pushing at me until I get the words out. The act of writing the words, either by hand or in the computer, brings with it an amazing emotional release, that is almost physical at times. When the peice is finished, I get a very intense feeling of satisfaction as well as awe. Usually the awe comes about if the piece basically wrote itself in a short period of time. I'm always amazed when I manage to write a 6 page short story in under 2 hours and most of it is pretty darn good. Or when i have sat down and just wrote out 5 or 6 poems in 30 minutes. Poems that are amazingly clean in their rough draft state. It is at these times when I will sit back and wonder what the hell is inside me. Some people understand this need to write, and the rush that comes with it, and the ability for articles, stories, and poems to literally write themselves. As well, they can understand the pushing desire to write that is so strong is consumes almost all conscious thought until it is released. simi understands this, and she writes in the same manner sometimes. I found that fascinating as well as reliving to know. Knowing someone else feels/thinks/writes in a very similar (or duplicate) manner as I do, made me feel OK because I'm no longer alone with those feelings. I'm not "unique" or "weird". Well, ok, maybe I am weird, but at least I have good company here in the weirdo corner.

Ron is extremely supportive of my writings and I appreciate that so much. He believes in me, and believes I have talent. I like knowing that he believes in me. I'm not so sure about the talent part being as big as he thinks it is. I do think that I have a little talent and can write half way decently, which is alot better than some people I've seen who are actually being published! Ahhh that's my dream though. To be published. A book with my name on it as the author. But I think that's every writer's closet dream. And I think there are alot more writers in the world than people realize. With the internet being such a big deal, and the craze to build web sites, I think it has become an outlet for those closet writers to write. There are hundreds (if not thousands) of sites dedicated to writings be they poems, prose, short stories, or any other form of writing. Web sits about the mechanics of writing, how to submit for publication, where to submit for publication and sites that are basically a gallery of the site owner's writings. I've been to hundreds of sites that contain original pieces of writings in all kinds of genres, and am constantly amazed by the amount of truly enjoyable writing to be found on the web. I'm also amazed at the amount of bad writing that can be found as well. But good or bad, the writing is out there, and people are reading it. It takes alot of courage to put one's private works on display on a web site. You're literally placing your thoughts and ideas, pieces of yourself, out in public for review. Thus you face the possibility of rejection, and rejection is difficult to deal with. I've found though that some rejections are not all bad. Those people who review one's work, and send their comments that include such things as ways to improve the peice or other such constructive criticism have helped me to write better in many ways. But the one thing that has greatly improved my writings skills is to simply write. Write all kinds of things, whenever the mood strikes or even when it doesn't. In this way I practice sentence structure, thought processes, placing those thoughts in logical order, or at least a readable order, selecting words, editing to cut out superfelous words, and so many other little things that seperate a bad peice of writing from a competent one. Even these blogs are an accessory to that writing practice. And I think a very good one too.

Well that's about it for what's running through my mind tonight. So I'll just stop here.

Things to smile about: a rainbow, a warm sweater on a cold autumn morning, the giggles of a 4 yr old child, the emotion behind a personal dream, the hope of realizing a dream

the last couple of days have been quite interesting, though extremely stressful. Ron and I had decided to get married and it freaked out the kids. Which, to a certain extent, I was expecting. But, I was not expecting some of what we got. I got a major intuitive feeling that if we forced the wedding on one of the kids, that the child would resent Ron for it. And, after speaking with the child at length today, I was right on that score. However, from talking with the child today, I think I have opened the lines of communication to her, and smoothed things out a bit.

When I first arrived here I found myself always on edge. Not surprising since I lived the past 18 months on edge, waiting to be yelled at. So my patience was very low and I yelled alot faster than I prefer to. I have put forth tremendous effort to not yell as much as it was what Ron wanted, it was something I wanted to curb myself, and I felt my yelling was scaring his daughter. Sure enough, it was. However, I have made strides in this area. So when the complaint was made that I yell to much, as a reason for Ron not to marry me, I was very hurt. I did however speak with the child and I didn't ask her anything about my yelling, I just explained to her why I had put the wedding off. She was relieved because she had been thinking that I would not marry Ron ever at all, when that was not what I had meant. But I could see how she got that idea, I wasn't exactly clear about it. Anyway, she voluntarily told me that she noticed a great improvement in my yelling. She says she noticed the change over the last couple of days. She decided to spend the week here with us rather than with her mom. I think that was partly because she missed it here and a bunch of other complicated reasons. But from talking to her I was able to find out where my guess work for her feelings and thoughts were correct, and where I was wrong. Overall, I was mostly correct. When I explained to her my reason for putting the wedding off, that being I did not want to cause her any unneccessary hurt, she seemed quite amazed by this. I think I touched her in some way by explaining this to her. All in all, we talked very easily for about 45 minutes, and it was a very enjoyable conversation.

Like with Sam, my daughter, I realized last night that if I wanted things to change between Ron's daughter and myself, I had to make the first moves. So I did. and I am glad that I did. SHe also told me she feels now that she will be fine if Ron and I marry in December. I am very grateful for that. She said she was very happy that I had spoken with her. And I am glad I did too.

THis morning, Ron hurt my feelings. I know he did not do so on purpose. From his point of view he was relaying a joke that he had said to his son. But it hurt anyway. When it comes to paying the bills, I am very vulnerable to hurt in that area. I do not feel that I have good control over the bills at this point. THis is partly caused by the financial condition we were both in when we merged our households. And from having guests for a few months, everything got all screwed up. those guests made it that we were paying over a thousand bucks a month for food, and about 400 for cigs. It was truly insane. But as such, things got a bit screwed up bills wise. Anyway, one of the bills that was behind, but getting closer (and it was behind from before I got here) to being up to date, finally got tired of waiting and they came and shut off the electricity. I felt like I had failed Ron, that I had screwed up so bad. I felt that I was irresponsible, even though I knew it wasn't just me but a combinations of many different things that led to this. I tried to explain this to Ron, but i do not know if I actually did or not since the whole cancelling of wedding thing occured late yesterday evening. Anyway he cracked a joke which basically told someone that i was to blame for the electricity going off, and that he was thinking of a sufficient punishment for me. This immediately hit upon my own sense of failure and hurt me to the quick. I couldn't help it. Of course, my reaction angered Ron because he really was only joking and he left angry. I cried for a few minutes in the bathroom with my face in a towel. ayli talked with me and I remained angry almost all day. Until the kids came home and showed me their report cards. They all did very well overall I think. Part of my taking it wrong could have been that I woke up and the first thing I realized was the marriage had been cancelled and I was hurting from that. So maybe i was just already shook up. Who knows.

Anyway it's been a rough couple of days. Overall though, I have to say that I am proud of the way I handled most of it. I didn't lose my cool, nor did I just stop following Ron's rules for me. Which, to me, is a big deal :)

COMMUNICATION

Communication is something that affects every single relationship a person can have. Business relationships, acquaintences, close friends, lovers, children, almost everything. How we talk with one another, and how we listen to one other is what makes up communication. So why is it that something so important is dismissed as no big deal? People have focused for quite a while on learning to talk to one another. Be more open. Express yourself. Talk about what you feel and what you think. Bloggers are a place to do that in. A place to communicate your thoughts and feelings to someone else. Maybe to perfect strangers or maybe to your friends, or maybe just to get your thoughts out of your mind. Everyone is rushing to talk about everything. The emphasis is on talking. Why bother talking if no one is listening? I mean, we all sit around and agree that talking about things is good. Though there is such a thing as over talking something, but that's not my point right now. In general everyone agrees that talking is a good thing to do. Talk out your problems, find solutions. You can't find solutions without talking to identify the problem in the first place. It seems to me that the other side of this coin is getting lost in the shuffle. It is not as often that you will hear someone say "Listen carefully to what someone else is talking about' unless it is in response to a complaint that someone doesn't feel heard. Communication is a two way street. One must talk, and one must listen. And I don't mean the half way listening that so many people do so well. Hear just enough to assume what the other person is going to say, and then break in and respond to your assumed conclusion because half the time the assumed conclusion is probably incorrect. So why isn't more emphasis placed on truly listening to someone else. Actually hearing and processing what you've heard, before you respond to it? I wonder if this is a side effect of the rush rush soceity in which we live. Everyone is rushing to do things, get them done faster, quicker, hurry hurry hurry. People don't take the time to relax and just sit and listen anymore. And it's not just listening to what other's are saying either. people don't sit and listen to the wind, or the sound that rain drops make when they hit something. Or the sound of leaves crunching when you walk on them in the fall. Or the sound of leaves rustling in the wind when they're still on the tree. The sounds of crickets, birds, and insects. There are so many things taht people miss out on by not listening. We don't listen to each other, and we don't listen to the world around us. Sure there are some great listeners out there, and there are some people who do stop to smell the roses once in a while, or just listen to the world around them. But in general this is not something people do regularly anymore. When it comes to inerpersonal relationships, listening and understanding what you are hearing is truly one of the best ways to make that relationship a close satisfying one for everyone involved. It is so easy to break into someone else's sentence, and correct them, or give your opinion of what you think they are going to say. This can so easily create arguments and resentment for not being heard.

I remember reading about communication in the book Men are from mars, women are from venus a few years ago. And it talked alot about learning to be an effective listener. I've read books about "Don't sweat the small stuff" and it too contained information on being a better listener. So why isn't more emphasis placed on learning to effectively listen to someone else? In BDSM we talk about how important open honest communication is to the relationships within bdsm. We talk about being able to discuss anything wihtout fear of retributioon, yet often when a relationship fails, one of the problems that caused it to fail is usualy communication. It wasn't good enough, open enough or non existent. I think when we discuss communication we should include just how important truly listening is to effective communication. Communication is difficult under the best of circumstances. It is sometimes so hard to find the right words to convey what you are meaning or what you are thinking. And in this day and age people jump to conclusions nine times faster. Partly because they aren't listening correctly. Sure, they're hearing the words, but they aren't processing them to get their full meaning. Instead, like everything else now adays, people rush listening up. A person can talk until they are blue in the face, but if they don't feel truly heard and understood, then the door to resolution of a conflict will remain closed because their hurt,anger, upset, or whatever will remain in the way.

Not listening effectively is something everyone does from time to time, even the best communicators in the world. This was brought home to me today when I had a discussion with ayli and realized that I had stopped truly listening to what she was saying. I was still hearing the words, but not processing what they meant. Thus, no real progress was made in the discussion and this leads to arguments and fights. However, if I had truly listened to what she was saying, and processed it before responding the argument would most likely have been avoidable. Another reminder that I can't let up on reminding myself to really listen to someone else. It is so easy to get caught up in life and forget to really listen. This whole thing just made me start thinking about communicating and how we talk to one another. The talking is getting better, but the listening still needs work.

I am beginning to get actively frightened of the pain in my lower back. The neurological symptoms are increasing. I woke up yesterday morning and literally started crying because the first thing I could feel was the pain. My left leg would not move at all. I was almost in a panic. I am very afraid that somehow I have hurt the degenerated disk again. I guess I will find out when I get health insurance and get to the doctor. I will mention it to the pain clinic doctor when I see him again on the 20th. I don'tknowif there is anything he will do for it, but I have to at least let him know what is going on.

Yesterday was an odd day. It started out OK and ended ok, but the middle of the day was not so much fun. I am having my PMS week, which explains why I've felt so "off" for a couple of days. And I am fairly positive that this has been affecting the way I view things. I know that I overreacted to a few things yesterday and in the process said some stuff I probably shouldn't have. But what I over-reacted about still stands as something that I am very much against. The discussion came about about abusive acts in BDSM. No big deal. Normally it is extremely difficult to define any act, by itself as abusive. The act must have the abusive intent behing it in order for it to be abusive. Least, that applies for most things. The question was raised about hitting my lower back. Master stated that if he were to hit it on accident, then continue hitting it on purpose, it would be an abusive act to him. I have to agree with that, especially since anyone who plays with me is made well aware of the dangers of hitting my lower back. With my back the way it is, striking it could cause permanent irreprable damage to the sciatic nerve and thus landing me in a wheelchair. The comment was made that doing such a thing (striking my lower back) on purpose, to teach me a lesson, would be OK. Need less to say this really bothered me.

And I've been thinking off an on ever since. Just where is the line between acceptable punishment and unacceptable punishment in a bdsm relationship. I just can not grasp the idea that maiming someone, or causing permanent physical harm to someone, is an acceptable form of punishment. It may change their behavior, but it doesn't make much sense to me beacuse the behavior would change for the wrong reasons. Some examples that were givne of such things were removal of the clit, cutting off fingertips and creating large scars as a reminder that the person screwed up. I do not think that this is correct behavior. Why purposely harm someone that you are supposed to care for and protect? I just can't see the logic. Now, were these things to be done for body modification purposes, though I don't like them, I can at least understand and accept their occurance. If someone wants to remove their clit, go for it but it certainly isn't for me. I just don't see the purpose in maiming someone because they screwed up. And I can't help it but if someone begged for such a thing to be done in order to gain forgiveness from someone I wonder just where they are psychologically. I mean, to beg to be maimed in order to gain forgiveness for a mistake, just doesn't strike me as all that healthy. I don't know, it's just not something I can conceive of.

Last night was extremely interesting. Ron and I were online for a while together. He started teasing me online, and would come into the bedroom and play with my pussy. He wanted me to stay horny, he succeeded. At one point he inserted a vibrator and had me turn it on and off at his command. I had to put a towel on the chair. LOL We played quite a bit last night and I loved it! We also talked alot.

One of the things we discussed was his "taking" of me. The night before last he gave me a back rub, during that he got on top of me and just took me from behind. No real concern for whether or not I acheived orgasm like he usually has. He started whispering in my ear about how I belong to him, and he could do whatever he wanted with him. He was pushing me into the bed and holding me down. I was going nuts. I loved it! Last night, he did the same thing a few times. We talked about it. He said that he had been taking things very slowly, not wanting to go too far too fast. Not wanting to scare me. And not wanting to find himself doing things that he really didn't want to do. This being his first time ever living d/s 24/7 he said he needs to learn just what he wants out of it, and how best to go about getting it. He said he has started to feel alot more comfortable with just taking what he wants from me because it has become obvious to him that I like being used that way. Honestly, I am extremely glad that he is taking his time. Feeling out both himself and me. It is making it alot easier for me to feel very secure in my submission to him, and his use of it. He is a very smart man. No matter what I am feeling or thinking, I can talk to him, and he won't freak out all over me. And he talks to me too, which is something I truly love. I'm am so glad that we are together. He said we are growing together and we will continue to do so. I like that too :)

I did alot of work on the web site today. I set up a toybox so people can buy implements and adult toys from my site and I get a percentage from the sales. I added more books to the books pages, specifically the erotica section. I am very proud of the work. I am hoping that these afiliate programs will help in paying for the site. I would love some day to actually run my own business, but that is a long way off.

Well that's about all I can think of to write tonight.

This evening was a fairly rough one. I was not feeling very well. My back was screaming bloody murder, most likely from my sleeping on the love seat (I still can't believe how much room a 4 yr old can take up in a full size bed.. LOL).The pain made me cranky because I was having a very difficult time controlling it. And for a while the pain just kept rising. I finally gave in and took an extra pain pill (which I can do, I just don't like doing it) and the pain has finally subsided enough that it is in control. But while it wasn't, I was cranky and I hate being cranky. I don'tlike feeling as if anything I say will come out wrong, or feeling that I will snap at everyone. I don't like actually doing it either. Ron was very tired when he got home from work, he didn't sleep well last night either.

Ron and I decided to move the wedding date from January 26, to December 2. The 26th is the day before my birthday and is the day the LnR munch is supposed to start. (hopefully we will be able to afford having a munch) So we didn't want to hold the wedding too close to the munch and thus make people think they had to attend the wedding and/or give presents or stuff like that. Also, one of the people coming to the wedding (Ron's best friend) mentioned that he may have to bring his son. Now I don't have a problem with children at weddings (large or small weddings) but we are working our butts off to make sure we do not have children in the house for the weekend of the munch. That way, if people wanted to play, they could and we could set aside a couple of rooms to play in. We wouldn't have to worry about kids seeing something they aren't supposed to, or the conversation being inapropriate for the kids. So when Ron's friend said he might have to bring his son with him, and would stay for the munch that weekend, we decided to move the wedding. That way, there will be no problems for the munch. Also, Ron realized that by putting the wedding on Jan. 26, it makes the month rather tight for remembering birthdays and such. There would be 3 or 4 dates one week or so apart that he would have to remember. I'm not sure if he was serious about this, or if he was kidding, but I thought it was rather amusing. :)

The kids seem to finally be accepting the fact that we are going to get married, and I'm glad. But I do still feel like I've caused some trouble between Ron and his daughter. Though, I know logically that any woman he got involved with would have caused problems, I still feel responsible. I know it's probably stupid to feel that way, but I can't help it. I like his kids, and I want them to like me and I think for the most part they do, but the youngest also resents me and is jealous of me. I understand how she feels, and it all makes sense, but it still hurts me. I have talked with her a few times, as I have talked with my daughter as well. I'm not sure though if it is doing any good. I do hope it is. I tried explaining that just as kids their ages need to be with other children their age, adults need to be with other adults. And that by being with another adult it does not in any way mean we love our children less, or that we need them less or that we don't want them around. Hopefully by putting it that way (kids needing other kids) I put it into a manner they could understand. I did ask them why they wanted to hang around kids in their age group, and they said things like they don't have to worry about their friends hating their music (as most adults do), their friends are in the same situations as them (school, boys, homework, siblings etc) so they understand each other, and other things like that. I said that it made sense to me and that it basically boils down to they need someone who can understand them and their lives easily, thus someone their own age. I told them it was the same for adults. With the girls being 11 and 12, I figure they should be able to understand that. I hope they do.

Kyle continues to change every day. He is now speaking in sentences more often than not, and his use of singular words to describe what he wants is becoming more and more infrequent. I am so proud of him for that. Instead of just sayiing "milk!" when he wants milk, he now says "I want milk, please". Though the please is an iffy thing, once in a while you have to remind him to say it, but that's ok. It is still a drastic improvement over how he was just 4 months ago. He has finally started sleeping later again, though today was a miracle, he slept until 9:30 in the morning. I couldn't believe it when ayli told me about that one. But it's good beacuse it keeps Kyle from being real cranky and whiny around dinner time and it prevents us from having to force a nap on the kid. Which, in my opinion, is a good thing. I hate having to argue with the kid to get him to lay down long enough to fall asleep at 1 in the afternoon when he doesn't want to lay down, but needs to lay down. He continues to do very well on his learning programs and now he talks along with thim. Today he counted to 5. He is learning so fast now it's amazing!!

Sam continues to be happier, though she gave me a rough time yesterday. She seemed very cranky in the morning and again after dinner. I don't know why, she keeps telling me she's fine and nothing is wrong. But her behavior sure appeared to be saying something was bothering her. She talked back more than usual and was very uncooperative, which again is unsual for her. Today though, she seems much better.

I've been doing alot of thinking about the wedding and being married again, especially to my master. I wonder if being married to me will somehow increase Ron's feelings of ownership and dominance? It would be interesting if he reacted that way. I also wonder if it will make me feel more owned, or if it will make me feel more "vanilla"? I'm not sure, and I can't know for sure until it happens. I do know that I want to be Ron's wife. I am not afraid of marrying him. I do not think itis a mistake, and having known the man almost 4 years now, I'm pretty sure he isn't going to be some raving lunatic once the vows are said. he is everything he has always described himself as in daily life. I like that. I love Ron, and I have for a few years now. It's is hard to find words to describe how happy I am with him which frustrates me. I hate not being able to find the words to describe something I am feeling. Oh well. maybe they'll come to me in a dream!! LOLOL

Other than those few things, nothing major is running through my mind today. no big thoughts or confusions. no rambling diatribes, which is probably a relief to anyone who reads my blogs. LOL

Yesterday was another very good day. I am glad to be feeling better finally. Though, as I had thought, it seems that any emotionally down time in regards to my time out west, is followed by an up time where I have settled some things, layed them to rest so to speak. I do think that the other blog has helped me in that way as well.

Yesterday I put 18 new pages on the site and today I put 4 already. It's been a busy couple of days. I still have to work on my articles and poems, get them written out, cleaned up, and posted to where they belong. But I just haven't found the time. Between working on the site and working on the house (plus spending one on one time wiht Master) I just run out of time. But I'm caught up on the site now, so that's good. Though, it probably won't stay that way forever. The housework is fairly caught up, except my bedroom which needs cleaning real bad.It's not a complete mess, but it's messier than I prefer.

That's about all I can think of writing right now. Later :)

why is it that I always do my best thinking and writing late at night? I was writing in my journal, the handwritten one, about my day and how I was feeling. And it developed into stream of thought on appreciation, submissives and slaves differences in this area, and how the little things can often mean so much. I guess discussing how much I appreciate hearing from master that he is pleased by the things I've been doing caused me to become inspired. So I figured I'd come and type my thoughts in here.

I often tell people that it is the little things that make a difference to people. So far, that statement remains true in my opinion. For me, it is the little things that mean so much. They are the things that mke me proud. Things that give me warm fuzzy feelings. Things that cause me to react in a very service orientated manner. Knowing that master appreciates the things that I do makes me want to continue doing them and causes me to strive to do more for him. Knowing that he likes the house better now, that it feels more comfortable to him, that he finds it a pleasure to come home to it after work, makes me feel very proud and very happy because I pleased him. But it also makes me feel like I am doing the right service stuff. I strive then to keep the house clean (the last couple days, doing what I can, though ayli still does the majority of the cleaning) and comfy for him to come home to. (he said he likes to see the counter clean and empty at night, so for two nights in a row, I did the dishes and the counter was clean and empty, also he likes to not have a mountain of clean clothes waiting to be folded, so I've tried to keep up with the laundry and get it folded and put away before it piles up too high, ayli does the majority of clothes washing, so it evens out that I do the folding.) To many people this does not seem like a big deal, but to me, as a service sub it is. I don't expect him to tell me every night that the house looks great, but I do like hearing it. Noticing and commenting on the many things I do, once in a while, creates a great motivation within me to continue doing those things and to do more. It prevents the feelings of futility as if I were throwing my energy into a bottomless pit and achieving nothing. Giving positive feedback is such a little thing, but it can effect so many areas that it becomes a big thing. Though I think for me, it means so much more due to the fact that I don't feel 100% secure in my abilities anymore, and was having such a hard time for a few days there.

Everyone likes to know once in a while that their efforts are appreciated. No one likes to feel that they are taken for granted. This goes for subs too, I think. Some seem to think that a sub does not require appreciation. That the sub has a bottomless well of selflessness. I do not think that is true for everyone, but especialy not for those who's relationships include romantic love. Being taken for granted will eventually cause the sub to stop giving as much and they may not even know why. However, I do realize that in those relationships that do not have romantic love as a major part, it may take a lot longer before the sub stops giving as much because a certain level of indifference will be expected. Slaves however, are a whole different ball game. Many of them say that the silent acceptance of their owner is enough appreciation for them. Basically the abscence of any displeasure/complaints is automatically taken as acceptance at the very least, and appreciation/pleasure at the most. I'm not so sure that living something like that day in and day out would neccessarily work. I mean, there has to be a point where the absence of positive feedback/appreciation would breed resentment and anger. I know that for me, in some areas, I don't need anything verbal as feedback. My written journal is a perfect example. Master's silent acceptance of the words written within it are acceptance and appreciation of my efforts to fulfill the task of journal entries on a daily basis. Once in a while it is nice to hear master say he is pleased that I write in it, but I don't need it. His silent acceptance of it is a kind of appreciation in and of itself. An appreciation of my thoughts, feelings, confusions, fears, likes, dislikes, ups and downs, an acceptance of the person I am with all my quirks and faults. I like that.

But now I wonder. Can a slave truly be satisfied without any verbal appreciation or acceptance of their efforts at all? I honestly do not think so. I think their tolerance levels for silent appreciation is higher, especially if they are very secure in their own abilities. To them, the body language of their owner may be the feedback they need. But I can't help but think that eventually this lack of verbal feedback will cause problems. Probably the first to appear would be doubt. The slave doubting that their owner is indeed pleased with their service. Though, I guess it would depend on a lot of things. Like what are the emotions involved, if any? Is the relationship based solely on service without any romantic love? I can see how it might work. But I keep thinking that were a slave to be required to do the majority of household chores, always be available for the owner 's sexual use, and relinquish all control to their owner, yet be basically ignored outside of direct orders with no verbal appreciation or acceptance, that the slave would eventually stop serving because to do so would cause them more harm than anything else. A person can only give so much, without getting anything in return, before the very concept of giving becomes harmful to their mental health. Giving constantly, without ever hearing that what you are doing is appreciated, will cause erosion of self esteem. So why is it that so many online slaves say they do not ever need such feedback from their owners? Do they truly mean it? Or are they unaware of just how difficult it would be to be treated totally like a peice of furniture all the time? I honestly don't know. Or is it taken as a "given" in the m/s relationship that the dominant must give some kind of appreciation to the slave? I mean, in a healthy relationship, such feedback is a given. A healthy relationship includes appreciation of what each person involved does on a daily basis. It may not be spoken about every day, but once in a while the compliments are given. Those few words "You did a good job" or "I like that", can mean so much. I just find it very hard to believe that people can live completely without knowing that they do a good job, without hearing it from time to time. Maybe I'm just not capable of understanding a slave.

I don't see a dominant being less of a dom for telling their sub that they appreciate what the sub does. I can see where certain things become mundane and thus taken for granted over time, like laundry. But even then, when the sub does something a little extra, those few words can be priceless. I can also see where the sub stating to the dom that they are aware of what the dom does, and that they appreciate it is a small thing that is in fact a big thing. People like to know they are doing things right. Especially a service oriented submissive. In their case, their focus is on pleasing the dominant. If they do not ever hear that they are pleasing the dominant, it can be a major problem. Causing the sub to believe they are a rotten sub and don't make the dom happy. I don't know, interesting thoughts though.

Service subs tend to be thought of as nothing more than a maid. This is true from a certain point of view. But not everyone views service as being only housework and things of that nature. There are so many ways to service one's dominant. For me, yes housework is part of my service to him because I can't work. So instead, the house is my job and I do what I can to make the house a warm, comfortable, welcoming place that he feels good about coming home to and feels he can relax in it. I do my best to serve him in other ways as well, such as sexual needs (of course), s/m play areas, listening to him when he needs someone to talk to or someone to bounce ideas off of, giving him backrubs when his back is sore and he'll let me rub it. Making sure he gets his dinner on the night's he works late and is not home by dinner time. Having a fresh pot of coffee waiting for him when he gets home. Things like that are part of service as well, least in my opinion. It's not just cleaning, it's anticipating his desires and meeting those desires without being ordered to. Like the coffee, I know he likes to have a cup of coffee after dinner in the evening, especially if it was a long work day for him. SO rather than wait until he asks me or ayli to make a pot, I've taken to starting a fresh pot about 10 minutes before he is due home. That way, the coffee is already there when he wants it, and it isn't so old that it's nothing more than coffee flavored mud. It is things like this that are considered to be service. I've always enjoyed doing little things like that for others, and most of the time quiet acceptance is enough for me to know it's appreciated. But I do still need to hear the words once in a while. I think needing to hear the words comes from knowing that in order to thank someone for doing something, you have to first aknowledge what they did, then thank them. In the case of service things, when I receive a compliment or thank you, I know that it means master has noticed what I did and why I did it and that he was pleased by what I did. For him to say so, means he is aware of what I do. I think it's that awareness that matters the most. It means that what I do is not taken for granted.

well my mind seems to have wound down, so I'll post this and go to bed. :)

I had a great day yesterday. I finally decided what I was going to do with the anger and pain I was feeling. I created a section on my web site about abuse. I also created a blog to be used specifically for that section. In there I will release my anger and my pain. I also hope to be able to make that section a place that shows both the truth about abuse, and that it can be healed from. Thus showing that just because a person is abused, it does not mean their life is ruined. I do hope, that the section manages to do that. Anyway, the decision to do it made me feel ever so much better. But what really made my day was some things that happened with Master and I. He sent me an email, telling me to be prepared for him that he was on his way home, and to follow the directions he had mentioned the night before as a possible future order. Those directions were for me to kneel on the bed, naked, wearing my collar and the wrist cuffs. Unfortunately I could not follow his orders completely because I had just given ayli (arella) the OK to go lay down for a while. (She wasn't feeling well) I hesitated not sure if I should wake her up or not, and then decided it was too late. He had sent the email 25 minutes before, and I knew it took him 30 minutes to get home. By the time I got the email I only had 5 minutes. So, I got as close to his orders as I could. I had already followed his "no panties" rule so I knelt on the bed, wearing the collar (no cuffs) in a rather long loose skirt. He came in and seemed very pleased to see me there. I told him immediately that I was sorry, but ayli was asleep and I had to watch Kyle. He came over to the bed, sat in front of me and hugged me. Telling me basically that it was the fact that I followed his order as best I could that he was looking for. I had been telling him that I was having trouble being obedient and I wasn't sure why and I felt very guilty. So he decided to test me, not in any way to punish me if I did not obey, but to prove to me that I can indeed be obedient and do things to please him. We started talking, and it was a very warm emotional moment, that I wanted so badly to enjoy but Kyle ran in and wanted his tickle war since Master was home. No problem, I love watching Master play with Kyle. It's so sweet!! The other thing that happened that made me feel real good, was Master gave me a task to do. He handed me a bunch of papers and asked me to type them into MS Word,using tables. I did it in a couple hours. This really pleased him because I had saved him a few hours working time with my faster typing speed. This made me feel really good because I love making things easier for him.

We watched the election results come in. And it amazed me with how close the race was. And it figures, a recount has become neccessary. LOL All in all, I am beginning to feel better, more focused again and a lot less scattered. I really like that. So far, today has gone well. I've done some work on the web site. Hopefully I can get the things I want done completed soon. But it seems that every time I start, a whole bunch of things come up that need done. Graphics that aren't linked right. Typos or spelling errors. New submissions of articles and such. Which is great because I want to present more than just my own point of view. So it never fails that when I sit down to do things that I listed as needing to be done, I end up doing a whole lot more than that. LOLOL Honestly though, I really enjoy it. The web site is taking shape in a way that I am very proud of. And I guess I should be proud, it certainly is a well rounded web site within it's current narrow margins. I want to have some articles on female domination and male submissives, but so far, I haven't found any that I consider to be educational. But I am still looking. Now watch, I'll find abunch of great articles and not be able to reach the author for permission to use them,and thus I won't be able to put them up. But I can hope that it doesn't work out that way. Femdom/malesub is a viable aspect of the BDSM lifestyle and I want it represented on my site. But I want it represented in a classy way. I'll keep looking and who knows, maybe I'll find something soon. I hope so :)

Well I'm going to stop for now. Later :)

There has been alot of discussion recently about abuse and abusive relationships. I thought I could handle it, but it seems that I can't. I guess I wasn't ready to handle this topic. So I am considering setting myself no mail on the groups that are currently discussing it and then going back to regular subscription when the topic is over. It's not that I don't want to discuss abuse issues, and it is not that I don't believe it exists. The exact opposite is in fact true. It's beacuse quite simply, the topic hits too close to home for me. The pain is still too fresh and talking about it too much brings it all back and I start getting really "weird". I get that same knot in the pit of my stomach, as if I am expecting him to get pissed at me for being online. I get that same rushing sensation in my ears, as if I am going to pass out or am just out of it. But mostly, it just hurts and I don't like feeling the hurt. It's not that I have ignored any of it, because I haven't. It is that I wish to deal with it slowly, rather than all at once and thus freak myself out completely and end up in a nut hatch. Right now I am struggling with wanting to tell it all,and not wanting to. Mostly out of embarassment. It is an embarassment to me. I know it shouldn't be, because it was not all my fault. But it is. I want to tell the story because it might help someone else to see what they are involved in and to realize that it is not right and that it doesn't have to be that way for them. But I am not strong enough yet to do that. This whole thing is causing some problems in mine and master's relationship. I find myself angry alot of the time. Not at him, or anyone really, just angry in general. That anger is getting in the way. I don't know how to deal with it effectively and I find my thoughts obessing with my past and the shit that happened. Maybe if I just start purging it all, on paper (or computer files because typing is alot faster than hand writing) I will feel better. It is what I did as part of therapy before and it really did help me. I was able to get it all out, and look at it later and see what it all was. The release for the thoughts and emotions was a very neccessary thing for me. So maybe I will do that. But not here, Right now, it is too personal for me to do that here. I do hope that people understand that and who knows, maybe in the future I won't have as much of a problem putting it all out here.

My son has fallen in love with the movie Toy Story 2. He literally has watched it non stop for like 4 days now. I'm almost to a point where I can speak the dialogue line for line. But he loves the movie. He is doing so much better with the educational programs we have for him as well. He can now do alot of the kindergarten one very easily. He does, however, seem to be stuck on the numbers. But that's ok. He is fairly ready for kindergarten. Least he knows the stuff on sight, now comes trying to get him to verbalize what he knows. I have learned that he can now spell his name and will do so everytime arella or I leave our computers for a moment while they are connected to the net and the chat room. Then he'll type his name over and over into the chat room. It's pretty cute :))

My daughter continues doing very well. Though she has a "boyfriend". I have allowed it because it is online (mostly email and a kids chat room on a web site that I sit and watch closely, and sometimes join myself tokeep an eye on her). I figure since the kid is in England, nothing will come of it until she is much older, if ever. She is learning many lessons the hard way now. But she is learning. And I think learning them through a computer screen is alot safer for her than learning them hands on in real life. She knows she is not allowed to date in real life yet and won't be allowed for a few more years. She talks to me about this kid and I like that. I am so glad she feels comfortable enough to talk to me about it. I ticked her off the other day by announcing that Master and I plan on getting married in January. Instead of hitting me, screaming or yelling, she wrote a story. In the story she made me the villain and killed me. She said it made her feel alot better. I had to laugh. When she told me she thought I was going to be so mad at her, and I wasn't. Honestly, I was elated that she chose an apropriate way to deal with her anger. I am so proud of her for that!! So very proud. I love my kids so much, and my daughter is so special to me. She's been through hell and back, and finally seems to be healing completely.

Well, time to go find something to do. Though I am considering starting a new blog, one specificaly for the thoughts I have on abuse and the experiences I went through for a year and a half. Maybe I will do that and post it, but I don't honestly know if I am ready for that. But it might help. I'll think about it for a while longer anyway.

Today was a pretty good day. Had a couple of interesting conversations. Found out what was bothering arella and it's all straightened out, which is good because I really hate it when she's upset. I don't like seeing people I care about upset. But, that's just me. I found myself wondering just what is too personal for a blog? I mean, many things can be put out here for others to read? So how can one decide what is too personal, and what is not. I guess it is different for everyone, and it might even be that some people think "no one is going to read my blog" but I don't think like that. I know people read mine because I get emails in response to them. Not a whole lot, but at least one every couple of days, or someone will mention it in channel. It isn't a problem, but it is sometimes a kind of weird reminder that this thing is being read. Which, in and of itself, is part of what it was created for. So I wonder, just what is too personal to put up here. I think for me, it will be anything that I really don't want to have to talk to alot of other people about. Those things, for me anyway, are probably best left off the blog.

Today was a very..............weird day. arella seemed upset about something, but kept saying she was fine. It sort of put me off, wondering if I had somehow done or said something that hurt her, but I couldn't think of anything. Then, a little later, master seemed upset, and again I didn't know why. He did a few things that are unusual for him, which all and all isn't a big deal. He can be unusual, anyone can. But, the look on his face told me he was upset about something and I didn't know what. So I ended up being on edge, and cranky myself. I really hate it when that happens. I really wish that my moods were not so easily affected by the moods of those I love. It would be nice to not get all tense and scared when the people around me are visibly upset about something, or upset because they are having a bad day. Bad days happen to everyone.

I spoke with a friend of mine who is a doctor about the new symptoms for my back. They told me to have the disk taken out. Whoopee. Just what i wanted. Well, It isn't something I didn't already know so that's ok I guess. I knew eventually this would have to be done, but I had hoped it wouldn't be needed so quickly. Now I wonder how much damage I did working 12 hour days, and spending so much time on my feet and carrying heavy things? I'm not sure I want to know the answer to that.

Things here are going well. I've been struggling a bit with feeling submissive, but I think it is being affected by PMS. I think I've started PMS already, I hate PMS with a passion. About the only way I have found to effectively control my mouth is to not talk. Which makes everyone think I'm pissed, even when I'm not. But it is better than snapping at everyone then feeling guilty as sin for doing it. Maybe one of these days I will learn a better way of dealing with PMS. PMS always makes me see things from the wrong perspective, and make mountains out of molehills. I wonder if menopause is going to be as bad, if not worse than PMS? I guess I'll find out eventually.

My mother sent me an email basically being pissed at me for not sending get well soon cards to her and my dad who both had surgery in the last couple of weeks. Well duh mom! because no one told me when the surgeries were going to be, despite promising me they would. How am I supposed to send cards when I have no clue of when the surgeries are taking place, and what the surgeries are for? It's so reminiscent of my being yelled at for not visitng my grandmother in the hospital when she was dying, no one told me she was sick. I had no clue she was in the hospital, yet somehow I was expected to know this? It really burns me up. And here I thought I was no longer effected by this kind of crap. I'm not pyshichc. But, it still hurt to have my mother get so upset with me for this.

I've been feeling rather guilty too since it seems I'm not marking as much as I used to. I don't know why. My diet hasn't really changed, and as far as I can tell, neither has the way we play. Oh well, I guess it's not a big deal and I'm probably just making a mountain out of a molehill. Time to set up another blog on the LnR site. Later!

I think the time has come for me to go see the neurosurgeon again. This painful stuff when I wake up just keeps getting worse. It is centered around the L4-5 area where I have the degenerated disk. I wake up, and my lower back just doesn't want to move and when I do move it, it hurts like hell for like 30 minutes or so. I'm afraid of seeing the neurosurgeon because I know they are going to want to remove the disk and fuse the two vertebrae. I don't want another surgery. I'm so tired of surgery and recovery and all that shit. But getting up is just so very painful. My left leg won't move, my right leg twitches, my entire lower torso burns with pain and the area directly around the disk does not want to be touched at all. The muscles all feel like they haven't been moved in years, not just a few hours while I was sleeping. It's really weird, and very scary.

Well time to go fold some laundry.

Things to make you smile: love, baby giggles,satisfaction of a job well done, music, stillness, grass growing and birds singing..

Making love. I just read a rather interesting way of looking at this concept. For many people those two words, spoken together, mean having sex. Here is the passage I read. It comes from a book by Robert Fulgham called "Maybe, Maybe Not", on page 172 of the hardcover edition.

What is this making love?" I explained that it was a popular euphamism for having sex - going to bed, getting laid- whether married or not. He replied that for Cretans, "making love" is a serious notion summarizing the process of marriage and family. When two families agree that a son and a daughter would suit one another, it is expected that over time the man and woman will work at becoming compatible partners in the same spirit one might work at acheiving competence in a life's vocation. This is making love"

When I finished this small chapter, I closed the book and sat back with my eyes closed. Just allowing my mind to drift a little, considering this idea of making love. People define love very differently. How a person is raised, the culture they grow up in, differnet experiences they are exposed to all affect their definition and view of love. We have managed to pick apart love. Fitting words to explain the different ways in which human beings love one another. There is the love between friends, that usually means a close bond is formed, secrets are almost non existent, and silence between these friends is almost never uncomfortable. A friend's mistakes are more easily forgiven, and their faults readily accepted. This is unconditional, non romantic love. Friends love one another, but they are not "in love". Lovers however, are in love. This situation is often described as warm fuzzies (those tingling warm sensations around the heart) sweet nothings, staring deep into one another's eyes and getting lost, all kinds of other romantic notions based on a myriad of emotions that our lover is the catalyst for. Is this really making love? The sharing of these warm emotions, from one to another? Or is there more to making love?

Everyone agrees that a relationship takes time, effort, and communication. All relationships have thier ups and downs. Each experience bringing with it an opportunity to grow closer, and an opportunity to grow apart. Which way the experience results in seems to be determined by how the people deal with the experience. By the definition of making love above, people make love every day. Every conversation, argument, small disagreement, agreement, or interaction with a loved one is part and parcel of making love. All these small day to day things, which we all do numerous times, are what make or break our relationships. These are the things that will make a relationship last for a lifetime, or destroy the relationship leaving nothing but bitterness. So why then, must we push so often to be romanced? wined and dined? Are these acts so important? Or are the few stolen moments from daily life's busy work to hug one another what really matters? Are the nights out more important than that gentle kiss when you need one so bad what counts? I think that it is a bit of both. The romance is a nice way to show our innermost love feelings for our loved ones, to take the time out of our busy lives and spend them with the one we love the most. Focusing on being with one another. However, the bond of love needs more than these fleeting dates. those stolen private moments, those discussions where you can bare your fears, hopes, dreams, successes and failures and receive support and love for them. those moments where a complicated situation arises and by working together, it is not just overcome or lived through, but triumphed over because the gain is more than figuring out the situation, it is figuring out how to compromise with one another, how to work together side by side to get a job done. those moments where partners realize that the other does a certain thing better than they do, and thus give up their need to control that chore, is what brings about the lasting love that is the mainstay to a long and happy relationship. Love is not in candy, flowers or gifts. It is not in money, movies, or things. Love is those million and one little things that we do for one another every single day of our lives together. With each new day, people have either made love or sabotaged it. Love is not the hot steamy sex human beings engage in just for fun. Love is work, very hard work. There are days where those warm fuzzy feelings just are not there, but this does not mean the love is gone. People must come to expect that the wonderful intense sparks that flew upon a first meeting between people who are chemically compatible, will fade over time, so if you want the relationship to last, there better be more substance to it than just really good sex. Love is accepting your partner for the person they are, this includes their strong points and their weak ones. Love is compassion, understanding your partner's ways of doing things. Even arguments can be seen as making love when looked at from the viewpoint of trying to hammer out a working arrangement for whatever is causing the argument. I think love is both the spark, warm fuzzies, and the work that goes in to keeping love alive.

I like reading the books by Mr. Fulgham. They present every day situations in different points of view. Always giving me lots of things to think about. Sometimes I find his books to be so soothing to me, yet energizing. They often help me to see that the things which bother me so much at times, are really just minor inconveniences not major problems. That there can be good things in the worst of situations. And that every situation has more than one side to it. Often, his books contain alot of stories that make me laugh, yet remind me of things I take for granted, or overlooked. And teaching me things I hadn't thought of for more than a passing second or two, like this "making love" thing, and the rituals thing the other night. I often read his books more than once, usually when I'm feeling a bit "lost" inside and need to refocus myself. Then, they're like a drug, I have to re-read all the ones I have. And they never fail to put me in a more philosophical frame of mind. I like that :)

Today was a good day overall. Kyle wasn't too cranky. Though he refused to take his halloween costume off. He went as a soldier and spent the day saluting people and marching around off and on. It was cute. His imagination has grown by leaps and bounds over the past 4 months. He now pretends to be a cat, a dog, a frog, and today a baby. I am glad to see him engaging in more imaginative play rather than turning to tv and video games to provide his entertainment. I know this phase probably wont' last very long in this technological society we are living in now, but I am going to try and enjoy it to the fullest while it lasts. Children grow way too fast as it is. I just have to look at my 12 yr old daughter to know the truth of that. to me, she was just born yesterday, but she is now 12 years old. Sometimes I find myself looking at her and being totally shocked by how tall she is, how grown she looks and how much time actually has passed. Life gets so busy once you have children, it is so easy to get caught up in the day to day busy work, that you miss the growing up your child does. Every now and then, it's good to get those glimpses of the big picture. For me, they help to slow me down a bit so I don't miss everything. Sort of a bitter sweet experience.

Master had a rough day at work today. When he came home, he looked so darn tired. I wanted so badly to make him feel better. I did not get the feeling that he wished to be alone so when he sat down, I started rubbing his neck. He smiled, relaxed and moaned softly. This told me he liked what I was doing so I repositioned myself behind him and rubbed his back for him. He seemed alot more relaxed after that. I also cuddled him for a little while. He explained his day to me, and I have to agree he had the day from hell today. I am so glad that he opens up to me like that, and talks about what made his day so difficult. Rather than coming home and snapping at me, or picking a fight with me to burn off his excess energy. I was a little afraid that he might do that, but I reminded myself that he is not the same man who did those things. That reminder helped me to keep my perception from going to far into left feild. While we were laying in bad doing the talking and cuddling thing we try to do every night, he told me that before I moved in a day like the one he had today would have put him in a funk for at least a couple of days. He said that because I am here, I make him happy and when he comes home to me, it helps him to release the stresses and pressure of the day, and thus, he didn't fall into a funk. Hearing that made me feel very good. I like knowing that just my presence makes him happy and provides him with something he needs. But I don't think I'll ever get to a point where I rely on just my being here to make him relax after a hard day. I really enjoyed rubbing his back and holding him while we talked a bit. I guess that by doing these things together, we are making love work. I like that :)

My intention of following the rules he sets down for me more closely, has stayed strong. I continue to follow his rules, even pausing before moving anything heavy, trying to figure out how much it weighs so I don't go over the weight limit for my back. Something that I didn't think I would ever be able to do. I have also found myself pausing before I speak out loud, especially to the kids, so that I do not snap for no reason, or immediately defend myself against my daughter. I am very proud of myself for that, and I hope that with the passage of more time, these things will continue to improve. I am not perfect at them, but I am better than I was. I can see the improvements that I've made in those areas, which master had pointed out to me. I must say that I also really like not having to take a punishment because I haven't done anything to deserve one. That feels real nice. :)

Someone asked me in an email today what my regular days are like as a 24/7 submissive. Honestly, my days are not much different than any other stay at home mother. I wake up in the morning, though I usually don't get up real early partly because of my back, and I'm not sure what else factors into that, if anything at all. I then eat something, take my meds and have a cup of coffee, while i wait for my brain to wake up enough that I am not acting cranky. (some days nothing I do seems to prevent the cranky snapping first thing upon waking up). I will usually do some housework of one sort or another. Though there is one job that is mainly mine (though arella and master do it as well) and that is folding laundry. I try real hard to keep up with the clean clothes and get them folded so we don't have mount clothing in the laundry room. There are the numerous trips to the kitchen for drinks and food for the 4 yr old child. I spend some time online after I first wake up answering emails and chatting on IRC. Then I get offline and do whatever housework my back will allow me to do. I also spend some time every day playing with my 4 yr old, tickling games and light wrestling matches. Twice a month I sit down and pay the bills. Then the older kids come home from school and the standard questions of how was your day, do you have homework and such are asked. Then there are the usual discussions with my daughter about her day. She tells me alot of things about how she feels and such. These discussions are getting easier as we remove the tension between us. Then comes dinner, which most of the time arella cooks. I have taken to serving master his dinner for him, sort of a small service for him. He likes it too. During dinner comes the multitude of times we have to tell the 4 yr old to actually eat. Then comes the mini mystery of who's turn it is to do dishes. Usually after dinner comes some quiet family time. Goofing off, lauhging, talking, cuddling and stuff. around 8PM usually, I get online for a couple hours in the evening. Around 10 or 11 PM on weekdays, I get offline and sit in bed with master. often arella joins us, and the three of us talk about all kinds of things. Those are basically the things I do on any given day. As for the d/s, I am required to wear a bracelet at all times, and I only rarely take it off. I have two necklaces/collars that I can also wear, but sometimes I have to go a couple days without wearing them as the skin on my neck gets itchy if I wear a necklace too often. I have a dress code so to speak. There are times where master calls from work and gives me a short list of things he wants me to do that day. So basically, it's a pretty typical day for me. But I always know who is in charge, and if a major decision needs made I defer to master.

well I think I'll stop for a while, I just ramble on for ages in this thing.